02x01 - Chris Moves Out

[bunniefuu]

[Applause]

and in the place where you live now

think about Direction wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you having to

stand in the place where you

live M Direction wonder why you have it

now stand in the place where you were

now

face the place where you live wonder why

you hav stand in the place where you

are get

aive uh dear parents I bid you good good

morning and now with your permission I

would like to commence with something I

like to call the I have a big

announcement to make

dance I have a big announcement to

make boy enough already what do you

think this is Studio

54 he's right sweetheart besides you

know acting goofy on an empty stomach

always makes you

vomit boy for some reason dancing makes

my groin hurt

ah anyway mother father as you both know

today is my birthday how old are you

anyway

50 Daddy no no today I'm 31 years old

and that leads me to my big

announcement do you know what I found on

my pillow this morning oh my God lice

cry it out loud boy you'll infest the

whole house no dad no I I didn't find

lice

I found hair my hair at least I'm I'm

pretty sure it was my hair I mean I

suppose there's an outside chance that a

small albino AP crept into my bedroom

window while I was asleep and then put

his head on my pillow but I think it

would get the point you SI well the

point is I I'm getting too old I'm I'm

getting too old to live with my mother

and my father I mean 30 was fine but

come on

31 geez we're talking dorville dorville

USA

1020 at any rate dear parents at this

point I would like to announce to you

that I am officially unequivocally

irreversibly and puky

pluy moving

[Music]

out yeah I'll believe it when I see it

Chris honey I hope you're not jerking us

around again you really are leaving this

time aren't you yes ma no this this is

the real thing this is an end of an

era and as they say in the Jewish

religion when a boy turns 31 today I am

a man I'm leaving

home

oh well I guess the only thing left to

do now is for me to express my feelings

in

song we had joy we had fun we had

Seasons in the Sun we had wine but the

wine like the seasons have all gone like

get the hell out

already hey the Georg girls swinging

down the street so Fancy free nobody you

meet could ever see the loneliness there

inside you P

there girl why do all the boys just pass

you by could it be you just don't try or

is it the clothes you

wear you're always window shopping but

never stopping to

buy so shed those doy FEA

and a little bit hey there Georgie girl

there's another GE inside bring out all

the love you hide and oh what a change

the world would see a new Geor

go hey there Georgie

dreaming of the someone you could be

life is a reality you

can't don't be so scared of changing and

rearranging

yourself it's time for jumping down from

the

shell a little bit hey there Georgie go

there's another Georgie deep inside

bring out all the love you and what a

change that

be the world would see and you

ge wake

[Applause]

up they must not have heard me well I

guess it's time for the heavy

a*tillery hey

get out of here you bum a train tracks

are on the other side of town sir please

before you embarrass yourself any

further let me assure you I am not a

hobo don't give me that crap I've roused

enough transient butt in my day to know

a slobbering brain dead derelict when I

see one okay fine I see I'm going to

have to prove something

here sir what does the label on my pants

say

Jord Dash correctamundo and how many

bums do you know that wear designer

pants Point well taken sorry Chief what

can I do for you well um according to

your ad in the classified section here

um you have a room for rent I don't have

any room for rent wait a minute that's

not my

address oh oh jeez I I'm sorry I must

have misread it I wanted 23 Maple and

and this is uh 4 York

Lane yeah well I I guess you must get

that all the time with the you know the

phonic similarity and all anyway a

thousand apologies say and I do hope you

enjoy the rest of your day get lost you

jerk

oh what a sweet man hey K uh how much

were you uh planning to spend on a place

uh $150 a month you know ironically you

are in the right place yeah I must have

given the paper the wrong address by

mistake I got a habit of placing ads

when I'm drunk my name is

Gus well this is

it yeah very interesting huh now it's

funny it it kind of looks like a garage

yeah there is a slight garage Motif

that's what I had my designer go

for oh yeah no I think it's actually the

garage door over there that gives it

that whole garage feel actually that's

what they call a French horizontal door

it lends itself to the overall French

garage

theme yes huh oh well then I take it

you've been to g*y

perie oh yeah I'm over there at least

once a month you know basically uh

clothes

shopping sounds

fun hm now that's interesting is that me

or does it smell like cars in

n that's probably that pile of gasoline

soaked Rags you'll find it after a while

the fumes will make you

happy oh this place has everything

jeez well Gus in in keeping with my

lifetime history of making snap

irrational decisions I'll take the place

let me add the lease and I'll just put

my old Bob Hancock on

it oh here just sign this okay oh now

that's that's odd this looks like a

receipt for an oil change yeah I'm

saving papers ex set the whole

rainforest

deal uh here's the key to the place it's

one of those new electronic jobs you

might have a rough time getting copies

made a second Gus this place is a garage

and don't try to deny it either because

it says garage right here on this little

crazy Gizmo that you gave me all right

you got me it's a

garage well that's great

I like it even

better oh my gosh you know this is like

a dream come

true all my life I've lived over a

garage and I could only dream of what it

would be like to actually live in a

garage oh sure let all the ordinary

losers live in their apartments and

their their Posh mansions and their

laundry shoots I wanted a special place

a a place that's different that's that's

holy

a place that's only reserved for

precious

exalted shiny

cars yeah right uh well here's your

fully ex*cuted copy of the lease and U

welcome aboard tenant oh well thank you

very much

Gus as Bogart said at the end of

Casablanca I think this is the beginning

of uh two guys who kind of tolerate each

other I'm going for a beer now don't

bother

me I think I've died and gone to

heaven well I'm home homie h*m*

homeron oh you know now that I look

around to this place it's a bit of a

wreaking filth

hole well I better just roll up my

sleeves and start spruing up the

place

there just

so boy that was a bit of an a*s

grinder now this place is almost clean

enough to have sex in unfortunately it's

time for

bed wait a second Mom and Dad aren't

here I can stay up as late as I want

this calls for some wild cavorting in my

undies oh now come on just because your

mom and dad aren't here it's no reason

to go Hog Wild besides they're right if

I don't get my 9 hour sleep I get very

cranky and very

cicky Hey

kid who are you G I own the place

remember are you some kind of squirrel

brain or

something

oh oh yeah yeah well what do you require

of me sir well I thought you might need

some blankets they stink a little but I

didn't think you'd

mind no you're right I don't mind thank

you very much hey you really fixed the

place up you got a decorator's

eyes yeah um you know I'm right in the

middle of preparing for bed here and uh

well I have quite a vigorous toilet

ahead of don't let me stop you

kid do you mind if I ask you what you do

for a living sir I'm uh retired oh

retired from what I was a cop for a

while okay a cop wow hey that's really

neat could you get free hot

dogs neat you want neat kid I'll give

you a neat neat is when you bust your

butt for 12 years protecting scum like

you and then they tell you you're

through at 39 just because one night yet

a few too many and your partner dared

you to pee on the

captain could you get free

cheese Hey kid are you from one of those

institutions that lost its funding and

had to kick everyone out in the streets

would you teach me

so look I'm just going to grab a couple

of pounds of bacon for breakfast and

then I'm going to go by the way I know

how many steaks are in there so don't

try any

crap Hey listen wouldn't you like to

just hang out here and and tell me

police stories until the Sleep Pixies

come I guess I'm just going to have to

rename him Mr grouchy

pants

okay

oh boy my first night alone in my new

place suddenly I'm a strong young veal

sexy

Bachelor hi my life is going to be great

from now on I can play my Bongos as loud

as I want I can have as many women as I

can lift I'm going to become a

responsible

independent

man m

I miss mommy and

daddy okay come on come on relax you're

31 years old and according to many

experts that's old enough to spend one

night

alone

Mo you saw me standing alone without a

dream in my eyes see there there there's

somebody on the other side of the wall

there not not unlike

Daddy

jeez what the hell is that he could be a

monster I didn't get a good look at his

teeth what if what if their razor sharp

and pointy and and his stomach's a

little pudgy what if he has a young boy

in his stomach

[Music]

already no he he could be sharpening an

axe right now what what if he's a madman

and he wants to cut me up into a

thousand pieces until I'm just a couple

more slabs of bacon in his in his

freezer from hell what if I've just

fallen into the lair of the Devil

Himself he's balding exactly the way the

devil would be balding isn't he yeah he

is he's going to k*ll me yeah he's going

to k*ll me no he's going to k*ll

me what the

hell you're going to eat me will you

shut up you fat

creep must k*ll

evil you doing you

maniac merciful k*ll me quick stop my

neck oh skito I'm not going to k*ll you

listen not to the devil for hexes lies

with the truth and

vermouth I could k*ll you right now but

I'm not going to see that proves that

I'm not going to k*ll you oh yeah I do

see well okay hey I'm sorry about that

whole devil thing all right and hey you

know I I think this little episode has

kind of brought us closer and you know

something I think I feel a hug and a

moment coming on TCH me and I'll punch

your teeth through the back of your

neck but we're so afraid of our emotions

aren't

we look I'm going to bed now but if you

scream again I will k*ll you can't

believe when I let into my house for a

lousy 150 a

month well it shouldn't be too bad I

don't think oh it's kind of comfy

okay oh oh this is

good that's it you're a stiff in the

river you little PUK don't understand it

was a giant spider a giant leggy spider

on my pillow so there's spiders all over

this garage well what if he crawled up

into my

underpants look early a few arachnids

aren't going to hurt you I probably even

have a couple on me

[Applause]

all right but if you don't like it

I'll just spray a little

insecticide

thanks makes me feel

[Music]

[Laughter]

better ooh I should have read the

label oh jeez oh woo oh my ah hey I did

it I spent a night by myself which

proves I can live alone in my new home

like a full-fledged

adult and having proven that I see no

reason to put myself through that living

hell ever

again

oh my old sweet sexy room I was such a

poest fool ever to have left

you

okay Mom Dad did you notice anything out

of the ordinary about my old room we

kept it exactly as you left it dear then

had it filled with cement

geez I've only been gone since yesterday

well some guys will work at night if you

throw enough money

around hey you know I tried calling you

guys last night and for some reason I

couldn't get through we had the number

changed they had a half price thing

going if you also changed all the locks

on the doors so what's the new number it

escapes me now we'll call you with it no

don't bother that won't be

necessary because I want to come back

home

I knew it under 24 hours you owe me 10

bucks

class and he's crying you owe me another

five great oh wonderful well then it's

all settled I'm moving back now just

until I get the tunnel started into my

old room I guess I'll have to be bunking

with you guys huh it'll be like reliving

my late teens chis you ever heard the

term no way in hell CH your father has

strong feelings and I myself would

rather rip off my own head than have to

ever set eyes on your damp sticky

laundry

again oh okay wait a second all right I

know what you two guys are trying to do

here okay you're acting this way to make

me grow up it's that tough love thing

right you care enough about me to hurt

me more than you

know now this is a valuable lesson look

we're glad you're getting that angle on

it Chris we don't care if you learn a

damn thing the point is they'll open a

Vatican in Vegas before your butt ever

touches a mattress in here

again father dear father thank you thank

you you're the greatest oh jeez boy you

know you've done everything right in

bringing me up that should be obvious

it's the reason that I Rose to be head

paper boy in a Scamp 15 years now you've

given me the greatest gift of all the

gift of knowing when it's time to move

on I truly do believe that now in my

cholesterol clogged

heart and well hey since I've learned

this lesson so well what do you say we

all celebrate by having one last

breakfast together huh Chris please

don't make us call the cops you never

sto teaching do you you old

bragger well farewell sweet loins of

whom I am the fruit

of did he just call me an old

b*stard hi thought something was

stinking up the place this rodent must

have crawled under there and died well

heat good tonight

huh you're all I got

left well this is quite a different

person from the hysterical young boy who

couldn't get to sleep last night tonight

is a new beginning for me tomorrow is

the first day of the last 10 years of my

life I'm going to get up I'm going to

make myself breakfast and do my own

shopping and sign up for jury

duty boy I love my new home and my new

life and you know I don't think I've

ever felt more secure and safe in my

whole

life

we've been asked to explain to you how

much comedy there is on Fox tomorrow

night you're talking about the lineup of

In Living Color Rock Married with

Children and Herman's head it's like

they bring you a plate full of Comedy

you're starving you start eating you can

eat for hours on end and yet there's

still a plate full of Comedy see now I

don't see it that way I see you turn on

the tap for a little comedy and boom out

comes Niagara Falls that's how much

comedy there is tomorrow night Sunday

night on Fox where the sea stands for

comedy