01x19 - The Big City

[bunniefuu]

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stand in the place where you live now

think about your and wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you hav people

stand in the place where you yeah

now out Direction wonder why you have it

now stand in the place where you were

now the place where you live wonder why

you hav't stand in the place where you

are so

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stand

[Laughter]

oh what oh oh hello Queen Elizabeth hi

you look very Regal today hey why did

you just throw that brick at that

construction worker after all you got to

expect some cat calls when you shake it

down the street like that even in sleep

he embarrasses us Fred you know it's

dangerous to wake him when he's

sleepwalking I love taking that

chance oh H oh hi Ma hi Dad oh damn

wasn't as good as last time when we had

to pry him down off the

chandelier well I uh I have no idea how

I got here or why but uh who cares I

guess I should blurt out the reason I'm

as giddy as a squirrel in a convenience

store I finally saved up enough money

for my big trip to the big city what are

you crazy boy the big city will chew you

up and spit you out like a w of horse

meat yes it's hor there all the people

just bustle right past you and the

ladies are painted up like dim store

Huzzies ah you won't be there more than

5 minutes before you'll get suckered

into a game of chance and somebody will

slip you a

Mickey all right Dad everything's bad in

the city but everything's perfect here

in the suburbs right oh yeah nothing

ever goes wrong here we never grow old

and die in the suburbs nobody ever Burns

their tongue on a bowl of pea soup and

everybody has pizza ovens it's always

just a Pleasant Valley Sunday here in

status symbol land

glce could we at least use a stun g*n on

him look ma dad you you've kept me

hidden away for too long under your

skirt and in your pants it's time for me

to go off and Sample life to its fullest

to to eat of the fruited loins of our

for

fathers well I better get going I have a

ticket on the 501 Sonic b*llet train so

jeez the big city I can't wait the

Eiffel Tower the the Acropolis the the

Leaning Tower the Aztec Ruins chis none

of those things are

there I never thought I'd see the day

you're blatantly lying to me so that

I'll stay here jeez what do you take me

for a

[ __ ]

wa uh how do you get this section of the

wall to open turn the

knob oh oh what do they think of next

a**l Track

29

wow oh boy it's even more modern and

Hightech than I

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imagined

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[Applause]

wow

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wow

[Applause]

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watch hey look I didn't hear an excuse

me big fell are you looking for a good

time no I just want to stand here all

day and get jostled until my shoulder

separates ooh a tough guy huh I think I

can handle

that wait a second oh my God gosh you're

one of those filthy LIC ridden

prostit*tes aren't you jeez you know

what I got to get a picture of you from

my mom do you

mind

smile great thanks a lot oh now I have

to wash up do you have a wet nap on you

preferably one that's UNC cuz I have

allergies and it's hey FL eyes yes watch

the dog keep your eye on the dog dog's

in the dog house which house is the dog

in I'm I'm sorry have have you lost your

dog what it name poofy but down the pee

and the

shells well okay $20 sounds like a lot

of money for three shells in a pee but

then again I am out of them so there you

go well done for the

day she's full better save this for

later hey stick legs with a fat gut yes

that's me I saw you stuff in your mug

how about a nice cold tall one to wash

you down

oh sure great thank you very much uh

wait a second this wouldn't by any

chance be a Mickey would it yeah right I

just come up and give you a Mickey on

the street look you don't want it

there's a swell guy over there looks

thirsty no no no I'll take it I'll take

it sure sure thanks GE what a friendly

Town M

that's delicious kind of tastes like

root beer except more

mediciney thanks very

much come on hey son come on get up out

of there now come on go get yourself a

coffee and a bowl of Stew down at St

Mary come on don't sit on me you're fat

you'll squash

me what is this now acute paranoia I

think somebody slipped you a Mickey no

that's impossible I specifically asked

about that now listen son I've been

walking this beat for the last 25 years

I know a Mickey victim when I see one

and you sunny boy have been hat and by

the best in the business Barney the

Mickey Sullivan slips him a Mickey makes

offer their wallet like he was pulling

panties of a groundhog oh no my wallet

just happens to be happens not to be in

there it's gone my wallet's gone how

police help

police well top ofth the morning officer

om anything going on here that'll put me

on the map well the Saints be praised if

it isn't May Evans the reporter from the

evening star okay all right I've got to

keep my wits about me that's what I have

to do uh let me just retrace my steps

now I was standing here and and then I

passed out over here was it over here oh

how am I going to do this I can't do

this this is like trying to find a

needle and a hay stack I'm like a rat

caught in a maze hey I smell a story not

at all just another kid who lost these

wallets correction a big fat wallet

stuffed with all my mad money and my

little thimble puppets named patina and

scapini now listen something a lost

wallet might be big news out in the

boonies but here in the big city that's

stories as common as a body on the

trolley tracktion and that's exactly

what's wrong with this big luck of a

town apathy cynicism skepticism well I'm

going to put a stop to that me May Evans

look it's Jimmy sticky finger Simons

I've been after him for 3 weeks he's got

me Lucky

Charms so what's your name SMY is

Peterson Chris Peterson but I can't

prove it because my wallet's gone but I

think my ID picture look something like

this boy I'm going to put you on the

front page I can see it now small town

boys wallet store City hangs its head in

shame

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wow

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Mr wallet

boy here is your unbaked pizza with no

toppings sauce or cheese why did you

order it like that because I

can this is incredible I knew this story

would be big but never this big oh the

city hasn't been this excited since the

siese pinheads came to the bana

Museum

have your autograph oh sure kid what's

your name Kyle okay to Kyle

k um why don't we just make it to the

kid I'm sorry I have problems with those

foreign names there you go wallet boy

the mayor's outside he wants to give you

the key to the

city well I'm not sure I'm ready to

exchange keys yet I mean we've only been

dating a

[Laughter]

week

[Applause]

W boy as mayor of Our Fair City uh

excuse me actually it's called the big

city jeez and he's the mayor who Town's

in big

trouble in recognition of your

accomplishments of the last 24 hours I

would like to present you with the key

to the city oh well that's that's very

nice um I have to soak for about another

5 minutes would you be a Flower Drum

song and just run into my bedroom put on

the nightstand for

me wallet boy JD

Windell listen uh we'd like to sign you

up to an exclusive merchandising deal

you know wallet boy dolls watches rat

poison the works all printed with your

catchphrase I've lost my

wallet wow jeez everything is happening

so fast to me I'm sorry you're going to

have to give me a little time to think

this over I'm

sorry okay where do I sign right

here it's the usual uh 982 split same

deal The Beatles got yeah and they're

rich aren't they oh boy wow this is all

so wonderful I can't believe it you know

my parents were completely wrong I mean

the big city isn't cruel and

nasty I want you all to know that I

shall never change I shall always be the

the simple wallet boy that you've all

grown to to love and and to

worship who the hell sneezed all right

that's it everybody get the hell out out

out get the hell out they're all

disgusting infested siant get out you

two out got your infested spores all

over me who knows where the hell you've

been look at all these imitations we've

got the governor's of the ball the

Ambassador his reception the district

attorney STI Hawkins dance sanitation

commission is Cillian the Department of

Water and pow wait wait wait wait I I'm

sorry I I don't want to disappoint the

sanitation commission or anything but uh

they're just going to have to party

without this bearded lady because I am

putting my big rump right here on this

Seely postr phonic and going into a

pay-per-view Haze oh sure and while you

sit up here letting your feet go soft

another kids out there who's lost his

bike so then he becomes bike boy and

you're back in Hicksville tossing fish

wrapping for

peanuts jeez never thought of it that

way I guess this being a lovable victim

business is more Cutthroat than I

thought well I'm not going to take any

chances hey everybody I'm the most

pathetic deserving Ru in this whole big

city and I'm going to prove

it

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W here do

you

hey wallet boy you think you're such a

big shot and I got a little message for

you from the

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underworld we love W that was a

joke oh my why you have me go jeez I

can't believe we danced all through the

night until the sun rose and poked its

yellow manliness through the

clouds there's the Metropolitan State

Building it's 50 stories T yeah yeah you

know I I heard that if you drop a penny

off the top floor there it could bore a

hole through a pedestrian's head and go

all the way through him and come out his

toe I bet a quarter would probably k*ll

him they're the Aztec Ruins see I knew

it jeez you know you're kind of cute for

a sensational headline grabbin

circulation Boos and

freak jeez I don't know whether to thank

you or call you a cold heartless [ __ ]

why don't we just split the

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difference oh Chris I'm sorry I mean

you're swell and all but I don't know if

it's you I love or the phenomenon called

wallet boy who cares let's just make out

oh Chris don't you want to know may

there are certain questions in life that

go unanswered like like where does meat

come from and uh how do fish breathe and

and what's the square root of nine it's

three you're not of this

Earth

boy W boy boy w wow it's him W

boy oh my

oh dancing all night oh meeting

luminaries right and left the crowd

chanting my name on every street corner

I feel like the Incredible Mr

Limpet hey

may tell me the truth it's it's me you

love isn't it I mean it's not wallet

boy Chris I have to be honest if you're

looking for guarantees I have to say at

this point I really have no idea

you've just made me the happiest man in

the whole

world I'll get

it hello wallet boy Chris it's

Dad just some more boobs pretending to

be my

parents uh look Mr Rich Little

pretending to be my dad isn't going to

get you jack spit okay well being your

dad hasn't exactly been an embarrassment

of riches either dad it is you hi you

left your wallet here

chowderhead are you kidding oh jeez boy

is that a load off okay thanks Dad bye

hey

may may you want to

laugh I didn't lose my wallet at

all no in fact I left it at home snug as

a bug in a rug believe

that boy I can't wait to tell everybody

I can't wait to see the faces on this

city oh citizens of this big city let

me have you got scre What oh please

oh part of this gets out on the street

they'll tear you apart like a

Thanksgiving

turkey well wait just a mangy horse

minute here are you talking about my

crowd the wallet

biacs Chris they loved you because you

were a victim not an

idiot well gee uh if they find out

what's going to happen to my free

lifetime hotel suite hello

YMCA well damn it do something just keep

your trap shut nobody will be the wiser

oh All I Need is Another scam like the

wringling brothers

unicorn what was wrong with

him hello Winnie boy have I got the tea

on wallet boy it turns out he's not on

the up and

up one moment

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moment these stupid b*stards they still

love me if they only knew the truth they

hang me up by my own intestines

CHR Chris instead of waving that big fat

wallet around why don't we just put

sandwich boards on that say Robins we're

old Chris we have your wallet we brought

it for you from home

Chris did you hear that he didn't lose

his wallet he left it at home he's no

hero he's a dumbass he's taking us s CHS

wait a second wait a second those people

aren't my parents I mean can't you see

there's no family resemblance whatsoever

I mean I'm fully clothed and they're

wearing bath

robes wait a second wa wait wait okay

all right so maybe I didn't lose my

wallet does that make me a bad

person is it a crime to have inspired an

entire city to Rally behind a young

boy I mean look at what's happened here

you were all once

coldhearted cynical ice blooded

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b*stards and now look at you I've

transformed all of you into tender

God-fearing puppy loving marshmallows

floating on top of a golden cup of hot

nutritious

cocoa now don't you all just feel the

slightest bit

silly get

him

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wait I guess this whole town is against

me huh May except for you I can see it

in your eyes do you see an angry mom

headed this way cuz that's what I'm

seeing what about us you know how I

couldn't tell whether it was you I loved

or the phenomenon wallet boy yeah we've

asked the judges and we have a decision

wallet Boy by a

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mile what these morons don't realize is

that I still have the key to the

city we changed the lack idiot oh

jeez come on guys let me in huh please

come

on okay fine I'll just wait out here

until you change your minds and I can

wait believe me I've got all the time in

the

world

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sh

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