01x15 - Houseboy 2000

[bunniefuu]

hey kids hi don't get

up what's wrong you guys look so sad

don't worry 18's just around the corner

and then you'll be able to see the

director's cut of N9 and A2 weeks all

you

want there you feel better now we're

hungry and mom's still sleeping she's

exhausted well of course she is you know

it's hard work being a mother wife and

Scourge of the

Town hey I'll tell you what I'll make

you a nice nutritious breakfast what do

you say Chris remember Mom doesn't like

you touching any of our utensils hey

your mom is lucky I showed up before a

group of social workers descended on

this place and slapped you into the

nearest foster home I mean look it's

7:00 and and you guys are out of your

cribs Blue from

malnutrition let's see what do you kids

like to eat for breakfast now nowadays

huh how about

ribs oh my God Chris What on earth oh

you're up kids get a couple more plates

Leah stand in the place where you live

now

think about dire and wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face think the place where you

live wonder why you having people stand

in the place where you live

now Direction wonder why you have it now

in the place where you were now

face the place where you live wonder why

why you have stand in the place where

you

are so

stand see then spray with fire

extinguisher let stand and

serve ah okay who likes dark

meat you have burned my kitchen beyond

recognition it's not burned Sharon it's

blacken my beautiful

wols it took the painter and me three

days to come up with this color oh and

I'm not allowed to make my own little

statement as your friend I suggest you

get on your bike and pedal your fat rump

home as fast as you

can hey Sharon it looks a lot worse than

it really is I mean just a little 409

and before you know it your kitchen's

going to look SPI and spoy spoofy

spon I think you're looking at 2 Grand

worth of damage

here really even after the 409 make sure

that you get a check for $2,000 tomorrow

thank you sir thank you very much oh yes

o thank you o hail Caesar oo Alam salana

o Anana

fana hey so this turned out to be kind

of a cool fire after all huh and none of

those annoying smoke alarm wies to shat

over

either oh my are you saying the alarm

was disabled no no yes yes yes it was I

uh I took the batteries out of it I

always do whenever I cook because I

always make gobs and gobs of

smoke you know once my aunt's smoke

alarm went off and it totally screwed up

her sense of balance and she did so love

her trampoline intentionally disabling

alarm totally violates our agreement I'm

very sorry but you get

nothing

Chris you have destroyed my kitchen

ruined our insurance policy

I Larry I think we finally have enough

to put him behind bars Chris $2,000 is a

lot of money Larry come on don't worry

I'll pay you back I'll pay a little out

of my salary each week you know not

enough to make me uncomfortable but uh

you know we should be even by the year

201 hey maybe even 2010 if I go back to

domestic

cheese hope my my knives didn't melt in

the

fire hey wait a second guys Shield your

eyes from the light bulb over my head I

got a great idea I'll work it off Sharon

I'm sure you could probably use a

strapping young lad around the house

couldn't you sure but I don't need a fat

drooling

imbecile no of course you don't I agree

what's the point look come on Lor's

always telling me how you're whining and

moaning about not having enough help

around the house and how you you never

want to lift a finger oh he is is he

honey I didn't say anything Chris may

have inferred a thing or two great then

it's all settled I'm your new Uncle

Charlie you have no idea what you're

setting yourself up for no way

darling I could actually make him do

anything couldn't I well I I draw the

line at

section you have a deal great

[Music]

deal

oh good morning Mr P hi we're up bright

and early and I suppose you'll be

wanting your coffee Chris the last time

as a 10-year veteran of Sharon I beg you

not to do this look I'm going out of

town for a couple of days and you don't

know what you're letting yourself in for

Larry would you relax jeez I know how to

take care of myself around Sharon gosh

you know unlike you I still have a

little steel left in my

shorts wait

what good

morning oh good morning me lady morning

I'm here to do your bidding me lady

shall I draw you a bath me lady

Fair all right Chris drop the idiot in

Waiting routine here are the house rules

first speak only when spoken to MH

second obey orders instantly upon

hearing the phrase now get out and third

I want no tra of your personality

whatsoever you are

vapor boy that's a relief for a second

there I thought you wanted me prancing

around on something really short and

tight where are you spoken to you know

that's funny that reminds me of a funny

story when I was in first grade Mrs

Wallace told me that she didn't want to

hear a peep out of me so when she turned

her back I went

peep

Chris that's precise L the kind of crap

that is history in my presence well come

on Sharon it was just a joke okay fine

deal's off you owe us $2,000 see you in

court Larry call the lawyer okay all

right fine you win jeez do I yes yes

Miss

Sharon yes Miss Sharon now once with the

eyes cast

downward yes Miss Sharon now say it

higher

yes Miss Sharon

now yes Miss Sharon

in KN

Sharon my life is story book

[Music]

perfect now get

out

there a new game like to play you see

game with

reality treat me like a dog down on my

knees we call it Mon

and we call it master and

[Music]

Serv it's a lot I L

the

you

and I wonder if this mil still

[Music]

good

[Music]

this is the

[Music]

[Music]

one domination the name of the

game the wonderful at the end of the

day let's play monster of ser let's play

[Music]

monst there all done Miss

Sharon yes that's very nice Chrissy but

but you know I think I prefer that pair

a oh no please please Miss Sharon no

I'll do anything I can't take it

anymore my lungs are black from oven

grease I have blisters on my vacuuming

hand what have you done with my parents

they know

nothing

please oh please stop this

madness but

Chrissy to quote the Carpenters We've

Only Just

Begun hi

honey well hello sweetheart how was your

trip fine where's Chris onto the

floorboards well I figured I'd come home

on the the place would look like the end

of Taxi

Driver pardon the intrusion Miss Sharon

but your sweaters are all pillis now and

it's time for your 4:00 lip

bombing hey Chris that's pretty

funny oh hello Mr Sharon would you care

for a light nutritious snack I'm here to

serve okay okay it's very funny and I

cut it out gee my neck is certainly

stick if from all this

reading

ah wait a minute he's not

joking what have you done to my friend

oh Larry what are you getting so worked

up about I've simply broken his will and

got at his

soul as you can see I've left his

pitiful shell

Intel this is one thing I will not put

up

with unless of course you want want me

to so as to the subject of breastfeeding

in public restaurants we still lack

5,000 signatures before we can get that

legislation to city hall now of course I

could send Chris door Todo until he

drops well I'll be happy to do anything

I can Miss Sharon I mean after all it's

only natural a breast is just a gland

like your tonsils or your liver or your

ears and my God how many ears do we see

hanging out in restaurants now noways I

mean if anything should be covered up

it's like living in Paris in the

20s would you like some more

Pate oh my God Miss Sharon's glass is

almost empty and there's no more mineral

water out here oh no Miss Sharon I'll

get some for you right away I'm sorry I

am an unworthy fool aren't I chis is

incredible an absolute

gem hello Chris oh hello Mr Shar Sharon

that's a lovely sack that you have I'm

afraid I can't talk right now Miss

Sharon is out of mineral water and you

know what that means oh you poor

brainwashed b*stard now Mr Sharon you

know how Mrs Sharon doesn't like that

salty sailor

language hey what's going on help it's

dark here mommy help I'm in a

sack I am

in oh help I'm still in a

sack it's okay buddy it's going to be

okay where am I you're in your room

Chris where's Miss Sharon she's not here

she's far away you're safe she can't

hurt you

here what's going on listen to me very

carefully Chris my wife's done something

she's very good at she's eaten your

soul don't be ridiculous Larry I'm the

same Chris I always was now if you'll

excuse me I have to go get Miss Sharon

her mineral water and then take all the

salt off her prels the way she likes

them CHR listen to yourself I can't

allow this to happen it's too depressing

you used to be a really fun terrific

idiot but now you remind me of well me

my soul may be lost but by golly yours

shall survive Larry you're talking like

a hippie and a catnip Factory I'm fine

okay Mr wise a*s if you're so fine let's

see you stay away from Sharon for more

than 5 minutes without breaking into a

cold sweat and I throw this out she's

probably parched by

now that should be a piece of cake I

mean you know it's not like I'm a robot

with a power pack up my

butt okay so maybe it's a little stuffy

in

here that or I have a power pack up my

butt I knew

it what the hell are you doing what the

hell is this sorry it's for your own

good buddy what where the hell did this

chair come from I made it in my hobby

shop isn't it

neat what's going on here hey ah Mr

Sharon what are you doing I don't need a

haircut hey hey I can't move I can't

move what's happening relax Chris this

isn't going to be pleasant but it's

going to be worth

it H Oh no you're not going to make me

watch an evening at The Improv with bud

fredman are you no Chris something with

even lower production

vales

no honey hold the hot dogs up so I can

see them that's it this is going to be

the best Fourth of July ever sweetheart

oh Miss Sharon you look lovely let me

take that tray for you hi Sharon hey

finally found something simple enough to

cook that you can't screw up

huh oh I guess I spoke too soon still

buy the cheapest cuts of meat huh Sharon

Larry get your loser idiot friend

out of here look it's hot dog hot dog

boy come on give me a hot dog

kiss

away from me you

idiot see you used to be so cool mustn't

upset Miss Sharon no no speak when

spoken to speak when spoken to another

exciting Easter and um here the eggs

here's a pretty pink one that Amy did

Bobby here's that pretty blue one you

did isn't that nice it's cut do

boy what are we going to church or

something tired of this stupid

joke look Sharon I got some mistletoe

you know what that means that means that

somebody's going to have to give hot dog

boy a big hot dog French

Kiss God it's Easter you idiot hot dog

boy

[Music]

invincible

[Music]

what an

idiot you're an

[Music]

idiot you're an

idiot

ID no Miss Sharon is good Miss Sharon is

love thear has maintained her figure

after two children you're an

idiot idiot

idiot hey hey Larry Larry I'm cured I'm

cured Larry really I am I'll never

listen to Sharon again oh thank you

Larry thank you I'm

cured stop it Chris what do you think I

came to town on a melon truck I'll tell

you when you're cured wait there's more

Cru an idiot

you're an idiot idiot idiot

idiot you idiot you idiot you

you where did you get this awful tape I

made it my home video Aid System pretty

cool

huh why Chris what are you doing here

out of my

sight I was left to put the dishes in

the dishwasher by myself I looked round

but you were nowhere to be seen off

without so much as a mistress may I

Sharon it's over your days of Chris and

Roses have come to an end he's not going

back I'm directing all my Fury at Chris

now Larry but I'll recharge and k*ll you

later Chris is free I've broken him of

your noxious spell is that so that's

right Miss sh Sharon I'm back to the old

me well we'll just see about

that Chris pick up that PIN for

me in your

dreams Chris I'm

waiting you no

all right just an impartial Observer

honey oh my I seem to have dropped my

sweater I do wish someone would pick it

up for

me

[Music]

no pick up your own damn sweater yes say

it again pick up your own damn sweater

yes now Taylor with one of your singers

pick up your own damn sweater you

wh go ahead say it she's a

oh my gosh no I was going to say

she's a horrible young lady I would

never say something that awful to such a

fine lady no because I'm hot dog

boy hot dog boy the man hot dog Bo want

a big hot dog hot dog M come on get away

from me you

all my good work completely down the

drain well someone is going to have to

pay for this and you don't have to be

Columbo to figure out

who it was worth

it what a cool chair

pick up that sweater for me yes Miss

Shar let me get

that sure

[Laughter]

huh I guess from now on it's just going

to be one day at a

[Music]

time tomorrow night Tom Garrett and

Nancy Allen star in the world broadcast

premiere of poltergeist