01x10 - Zoo Animals on Wheels

[bunniefuu]

Mom Dad listen to

this the Greenville Community Theater

will be holding auditions today for

their upcoming production of the musical

zoo animals on Wheels prior singing

acting and dancing experience of plus

but not

necessary know what that means well I'm

not crin but I think it means you're on

the verge of embarrassing

us exactly I didn't know you were

interested in acting dear

I'm not interested in acting Ma I just

have the urge to perform on stage in an

animal costume there's a difference you

know Chris why this show it sounds a

little what's the word I'm looking for

stupid zoo animals on Wheels was the

toast of Broadway it was Andrew Todd

Keller's Masterpiece the concept is pure

genius what would it be like if zoo

animals put on roller skates danced

around and sang songs do you know what

that does for an audience insults their

intelligence no it uplifts them it makes

them feel happy and Alive kind of like a

Mountain Dew

commercial I better get going Mom Dad

I'm walking out of here as Chris but I

may very well come back as Chris the guy

who has a small part in a local musical

you think about that for a

[Music]

while

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stand in the place where you live now

think about dire and wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face about the place where you

live wonder why you have people stand in

the place where you live

now about Direction wonder why you have

it now stand in the place where you were

now face us the place where you live

wonder why you have before stand in the

place where you

are so

stand

wow

Excuse Me Miss um can you tell me where

the auditions are being held for the zoo

Sharon oh my God I'm in shock here I

thought you were just a normal housewife

and all along you had a secret job as a

janitor what are you doing ordering some

more Ural pads for your information a*s

I happen to be head chairperson of the

Greenville players I'm also lead actress

in this production so what would that be

the role of the Town

[ __ ] what what the hell are you doing

here anyway five simple words Sharon I'm

here to

audition

Missy you audition for a place in my

theater group oh I think you've been

breathing too much newspaper ink

Chris tackle all you like Margaret

Hamilton but I'm going to land a role in

this

play

Over My Dead

Body because you're born

free thank you very much please Chief

shave for very stirring oh sorry I

screwed up the second verse I'm a little

smashed that's quite all right thank

you bye next up uh Chris Peterson this

is the guy I was telling you about brace

[Laughter]

yourself I I was prepared to come out

here and and give you a little example

of my singing voice but I was just

informed that your pianist doesn't have

the Sheep music to Dream

Weaver um so instead I thought I'd

recite to you a little Fable and I can

only pray that you do not go on me once

upon a time in a small Midwestern

Village there lived a young handsome

goose who wanted desperately to be in a

local production of a hit

Musical on his way to the audition the

goose met up with an evil ugly ape named

Sharon Sharon told the goose that he

couldn't appear in the play because she

was Queen ape of the theater company and

there were no geese allowed but the

goose decided to ignore the ugly ape and

audition

anyway the funny thing is that my fable

has no ending I I leave that in your

capable hands my dear

director and now as a little bonus I'm

going to dance for you okay honey hit

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it what did I tell you is he pathetic or

what he's perfect he's exactly what I'm

looking for someone who's naive and

innocent almost bordering on diwi it

someone I can shape and sculpt he's an

airhead I mean if you put him in this

production they'll shut us down like

they do freak shows in the

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south

you're looking at our male lead are you

insane what about Chason he's been our

male lead for the last 10 years it is

done stop Mr

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Peterson congratulations you have just

landed the male lead in our production

of zoo animals on

Wheels huh rehearsals begin tomorrow at

noon see you

then

oh oh sir oh I'd just like to thank you

for giving me this

opportunity you know in a world full of

cynics and pessimists and

anesthesiologists it's it's comforting

to know that fairy tale endings can

indeed come true I feel like Cinderella

in more ways than I care to go

into thank you thank you and I Shan let

you

down hi Sharon

hi

they say the neon lights are bright

on

now this pivotal scene where Chris the

sickly wilderbeast kisses Sharon her

Royal Highness lady stripes we must

believe that their love is conveyed not

only from their

lips but from their

[Music]

soul guess what Sharon I had a sub for

lunch they say the women treat you fine

on the RO

away but look at at them just gives me

the

[Music]

blues cuz how for God's sake look at him

William he's an embarrassment he's

turning a fine piece of theater into

something silly and ridiculous don't be

a fool a man's unique he's an enigma I

haven't witnessed this much stage pres

at a performer since I saw red fox in

the drop a

can

they say that I won't last too long on

Broadway I've kept a Greyhound

bus it's showtime

folks

[Music]

o Jason how can you stand being

Peterson's

understudy don't you feel just a little

insulted that a hideous untalented [ __ ]

has the role that you should

play what can I do

sh if I complained the whole cast would

think I was a Class A number one [ __ ]

obviously our dear director has a thing

for fat balding amateur

[Laughter]

types

you know he'll probably have to stand

trial for k*lling the

[Laughter]

[Music]

plague fine have it your way sherff I

wouldn't appear on the same stage with

you for all the money in the

ocean and you you're lucky I'm a

gentleman and we never Strike a

lady I can't believe it he actually quit

oh there is a

God has anyone seen Chris I have some

last minute instructions for him

regarding the scene where he wrestles

The Evil

Monkey I'll tell you what happened he

overheard these two mad pies trashing

him and he ran

off now will regardless of what caused

Peterson's departure we should feel

lucky that we have Jason to take his

place well I don't feel very lucky you

wi Chris Peterson absolutely embodies

the total spirit of zoo animals on

Wheels Sharon all of Greenville is out

there you either get Chris back right

now I don't care what it takes or I'll

see to it that you never work in this

worthless to bit hick town again for the

record I think you both or a couple of

Class A number one

[ __ ]

Chris honey where are

you you know I I I think that we should

clear the air and and not let a silly

misunderstanding ruin our

friendship Chris sweetheart where are

you

sugar

Chris

so here you

are my how lovely it's like a little

Retreat how did you find me well it

wasn't hard I just followed the gobs of

makeup well here I am where I belong in

my new home since I played a dog in the

show I guess I belong in a dogghouse

Chris play a wilderbeast in the show

wab Beast skunk dingo what's the

difference they're all in the dog

fan

Chris sometimes I get oh pardon me

excuse me very Chris I

Chris sometimes I get the impression

that you think I don't like you now just

because a person goes through her life

loathing criticizing and ridiculing

another person doesn't mean she hates

him sometimes it means just the opposite

yeah I think that's how it works on the

planet

Venus I came after you because I think

it's high time I recognize your

many admirable

qualities okay go ahead name them well

uh here let me give you a little hint

I'm extremely

[Music]

[Applause]

good I can't say that Chris please don't

make me okay fine I'll just stay here

then my God are you an attractive man

what a handsome man you

are I wonder how good an actor I am how

I wish I had a little feedback on that

Grace you fabulous actor you're the best

thing in the play then all that stuff

you and Jason were saying I I guess

could it be that you guys were just uh

jealous jealous absolutely my God you're

psychic

all right I guess you've kissed enough

wab butt for one night I'll come back

first I have one last important question

which one of these dogs has

gas since the beginning of time zoo

animals have sat patiently in their

cages while we humans stared pointed and

threw cannons at them but oh what a

magical day it would be if these

confined beasts could leap from their

cages free to sing free to frolic free

to roller skate all right gladus that

ought to do it let's go

[Music]

fre I'm a giraffe I'm a giraffe I'm a

giraffe I'm a giraffe I have a long neck

I have a long neck cuz I'm a giraffe I'm

a

giraffe clear something up for me

glattus is he a

giraffe I a cranky old seal and I live

upon the ice but if you throw me a face

I act very

nice I'd like to throw a a rock at her

[Music]

great sh**t me glattus I'll give you a

million bucks just sh**t

me I'm the

lonely wilder beast

proud yet frail from my nose to my

tail but here's the good news I've got

wheels on my shoes and with some music

to guide me I know I can

lose everybody come

on

[Music]

and that's the opening friends

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[Applause]

B don't be sad Wise Old jellicle hippo I

know you're dying of thirst and this

Village has no water but hey I know

something that'll make you happy what's

the one thing all zoo animals love when

they're sad a

show that's right a light show with

disco music everyone

[Music]

dance glattus is is it actually

medically possible to die of

embarrassment living in a zoo can be

very sad people stare at you and make

you

mad oh how I wonder what they would

do if animals stared at them like they

were in a zoo

[Music]

how do you like

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itare feel good now isn't that

true

youare at you it doesn't feel good now

isn't that

[Music]

true you lousy b*stard I'll k*ll

you okay glus now's our chance let's get

out of here while he's

distracted you think he'll be all right

yeah the guy in the Llama suit will back

him up moveing

Sy out of my way you meddling Guardsmen

for I have a date with her Royal

Highness lady Stripes you a poor homely

wilderbeast have a date with Lady

Stripes that is so funny a thought I I

think we shall laugh

now

silence silence you wretched hyenas oh

my suddenly we're very quiet aren't we

from this day forward no one shall mock

the fat kindly Willer Beast I don't

remember the word fat being in the

script be gone

servants for you have just insulted my

future

Prince oh your

highness I am at a loss for words I

guess the only thing left for us to do

is kiss each

other oh

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God

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I bet the old man never gave you one

like that

huh and now we shall rule the animal

kingdom together as man and wife and

here's our first

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Proclamation no more zoos no more cages

only roller skates disco music and an

occasional light show so zoo animals

Rejoice for we are all

[Music]

free we're zo animals on that's what we

are animal on Wheel proud we come so

upon the street and on

[Music]

[Applause]

the fat kids pretending to enjoy

something you actually didn't is an

important adult social

[Applause]

[Music]

skill nice job Sharon Linda Blair

couldn't have done it better herself

well thank you you actually ended up

doing quite well yourself

congratulations you know Sharon I don't

think I can keep this moment to myself

give me a second excuse me ladies and

gentlemen hi can I have your attention

for one moment please thank you I would

just like to say that doing this play

has been the most wonderful experience

of my life mainly because I forged a

relationship with my Leading Lady the

very lovely the very talented Miss

Sharon Potter Shar come out

here now I would like to make one thing

perfectly clear however that despite our

steamy passionate love scene during the

play uh offstage Sharon and I do not

jump each other's bones although uh

given uh the opportunity and I think I

speak for Sharon we probably could

because during our now legendary kiss I

think we both felt uh peculiar stirrings

you know where so uh the next 350

performances are going to be kind of

interesting if you know what I

mean

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