01x08 - The Sitting

[bunniefuu]

I'm short of one of those American jigo

come on in and clean my pipes type

things come on I'm

joking hey look at this place really

Charming nice can I give you one little

suggestion one word

Endust young man I've been watching you

deliver my papers for some what is it 25

years now it's actually 20 years please

I'm not an idiot oh not at all you're a

special special boy oh well thank you

very much that's what my teachers always

used to say you know I don't usually do

this cuz I think it kind of cheapens me

but uh I'm going to make a little

exception here to Mrs Cen keep on

trucking your pal Chris

oh thank

you what's this little figure that's one

of the keep on trucking guys remember

them they're very popular in the early

7s they kind of stood like this I don't

know if you remember them or

not I'm really not doing them Justice

though their boots were much larger

almost

exaggerating can I have a cheese

sandwich well anyway would you have any

interest in house sitting for a night I

have some urgent family business that

will take me out of town and with all

the burglaries in this area I'd feel

better knowing that someone responsible

was going to be in the house and I need

someone to take care of my little dog

Louie that's a cute

one let me get this straight I would

have this place all to myself

yes Chris what are you

doing nothing I'm sorry

well look uh if I were to agree I

suppose there' be uh some sort of

recompense in the form of uh cash and

prizes I don't know what that means uh

I'll give you $50 and some chocolate

how's that sold

American now here is a list that I need

to have you look at okay wait a second

hold the phone stop the presses I knew

it was coming sooner or later all the

Mind numbing details and don't worry Mrs

Cohen I'll take care of everything I'll

Water the fruit and I'll walk the titty

and I'll dust the doilies I won't sit in

that chair cuz I belong to Grandpa

toty you have a good time off you go

have a good time at the ball right

me

wow stupid salesman look I don't want to

buy Chris it's tomorrow night not

today sorry that was an apology S I

don't know what I was thinking I'm

stupid asn't like

Bonkers stand in the place where you

live now think about Direction wonder

why you haven't now stand in the place

where you were now face think about the

place where you live wonder why you

have't people stand in the place where

you live now look out Direction wonder

why you have down in the place where you

were now

face the place where you live wonder why

you have stand in the place where you

are so

stand hi this is Christopher Peterson

uh-huh say do you still have that thing

for incredibly Rich

guys well let's just say that Mr Ed

McMahon paid me a little visit this

weekend that huge old weird Victorian on

Maple mine uh-huh see you around 7 okay

wow wow this place is more spectacular

than the Liberace

Museum oh my God she's here the girl of

my dreams the girl I've been

psychotically obsessed with since the

sixth grade is here to see me for my

money things got to be just right okay

the scene is set for

love hello Stacy pooki Hana that's

Hawaiian for welcome to my home Dark

Island

Princess

so this is your home huh

yep what's that

smell well that's actually a delightful

blend of Lysol um boiled beef and High

karate really kind of smells like my

grandmother's house well you know a lot

of uh tough guys are into that Macho

thing but uh I'm secure enough to get in

touch with that little old lady inside

of

me with all this the knick-knacks and

curio cabinets and

doilies uh well um these are action

doilies for

men Billy Idol has a whole bunch

of would you like a snack um I've got

diet ginger ale mint tea uh I think I'll

pass okay so kind of a cool bachelor pad

huh is this H you mean this thing that

uh kind of looks like a walker yeah

that's uh actually a noflex it's kind of

like the parallel bars I do a lot of

working out on it got to give one of

these

[Music]

go ah it's really good for your uh Tri

voidal oh wow a piano can you play uh

well no I tinkle really come on play

I'm a sucker for musicians well if you

put it that way

sure kind of uh working on a a piece

right now as a matter of fact uh

beautiful dreamer are you familiar with

it no it's kind of a jazz zido type

thing beautiful

dreamer you are the sunshine of my eye

so Don't Go Changing View

beautiful

dream why don't we just pretend that I

never showed up no no wait we we're

supposed to have dinner hey you know I

know a great pizza place not far from

here and they deliver of all things why

don't I give him a call and we'll have a

pizza

pie hello yes this is Chris Peterson

calling from my own home at 1403 Maple

guess and I'd like to order a large

pizza pie with everything except for

mushrooms pepperoni sausage onions and

all that other

crap no this is my

home no she doesn't live here

anymore no we had an argument we broke

up and I kicked her

out you know I bet this isn't even your

house and you're probably not rich look

I got to go you know something I was

going to give you a ceramic Kitty of

your choice but now in your dreams

you're a jerk okay fine

that just means there's more pizza for

me needs her I don't need her I don't

need

anybody I'll just watch some

TV no TV is that

legal well I just entertained myself the

oldfashioned way the way people used to

entertain themselves before there was TV

I'll use my

imagination you drink my milk

but you ate my

fish well was probably just one of those

normal house settling noises something

like

that I love you I love

you okay there's nothing to be worried

about you're fine in a big old

comfortable smelly damp Eerie weird

Victorian house cut off from the rest of

the world there's nothing to be nervous

about

Hello Larry hi um are you and your

lovely wife Sharon busy

tonight isn't this fun we're playing

parlor games Larry most married couples

on Saturday night go out to dinner or

dancing a show okay

enough my turn oh doctor must my kidney

come out yes Mr patient I'm afraid it

does I pray your nose does not

Buzz

yes I did it I beat you two again I'm

the best boy if I set in my score I bet

I could get into any medical school in

the country Larry come on one more game

well Chris you've already won best out

of 30 we're fatigued tired

nauseating come on guys uh how about

Canasta or look you you could just spend

the night here Larry you could take the

bed I I'll take the sofa Sharon you can

take the

basement Chris I think I'm starting to

understand what it is you really want

here no Sharon believe me it's not what

you think although I feel that sexual

tension as much as you

do you want us to stay here because

you're scared little Chrissy Peterson's

scared to stay in a big old creepy

Gothic God only knows who died here

house being [ __ ] I'm not a afraid of

anything

really not even what's behind you all

right Sharon that's the oldest trick in

the book I'm not turning

around I'm not going to do it Sharon

it's just a trick I'm not going to turn

around is you're not going to make me

turn around mm look I'm not turning

around I'm

not see I didn't turn

around you know this is kind of fun

maybe we could stay a little longer

longer all right wait guys all right

I'll be honest with you yes I am scared

the fact is I am scared out of my butt

there's strange noises in this place and

you know I'm not superstitious at all

but I think there may actually be

monsters in here did you guys hear that

no what the hell was that good night

idiot

Larry

I got to pull myself together I got to

collect my thoughts I'm a

man I'm going to call

Mom hello hi Daddy it's Chris how's it

going I just called to say hi and so we

could do a little catching up how's your

heal Chris you've only been gone 3 hours

well I know but I didn't want us to

drift apart heaven forbid you know Dad I

was just thinking maybe I should come

home I mean you know with all the

burglaries in the neighborhood you know

I'm young and healthy and and I can

defend myself but you and Mom are old

and feeble you're the prime candidates

to be bludgeon to death we'll take that

chance you better stay put you have a

responsibility son you promised Mrs Cow

and you'd look after her house and you

can't go back on your

word all right Dad put mom on you're

starting to annoy me now

hello dear how's it going Mom I'm really

scared and I didn't want to tell Dad

because he'd think I was a p*nsy don't

worry Sonny already thinks that this

this house is really spooky and I'm

starting to hear strange noises what

kind of

noises well off the top of my head I

don't know stuff like

uh you know stuff like that

it's probably the house settling you're

just a little Punchy because you're

tired why don't you go to sleep hey Ma I

I know this sounds a little silly but uh

would you mind singing me one of those

lullab that used to send me off to

Dreamland of course

honey when the shark bites with his

teeth dear scarlet ribbons start to

spread fancy gloves though wears Ma

dear though there's never a trace of

r on a sidewalk Sunday morning lies a

body oozing

light okay there there's nothing to be

frightened of it's just a window

rattling that's what they're supposed to

do happens all the time that's why

they're called

Windows okay I'm very close to crying

now

[Music]

I thought you were a bloodthirsty k*ller

with a night and you're just a little

froggy plain as

day maybe some candy soothed my

stomach oh

my

it's probably one of those new fad

candies like pop

rocks okay 911 that's the number for

me hello

police yeah hi this is Chris Peterson at

1403 Maple I'm house sitting for an old

lady and uh the house is making some

awfully strange noises and the candy

just caught fire yeah I don't know what

code that would be probably 916

something like that probably a very high

number listen could you send a patrolman

over to spend the night with me oh you

can't uh what do you mean I'm tying up

the line well I oh it's a felony oh it's

a felony beep oh there goes my call

waiting okay I'm going to have to go

thanks for calling I called you okay

byebye wait there's that 24-hour line

that helps

men

hi thanks for calling Candy's fantasy

line who am I speaking to Chris Peterson

that's a sexy name what are you wearing

Chris uh I'm wearing a shirt and slacks

and shoes and socks and Underpants why

are you asking me that are you drunk

what are you into Chris H well I'm into

talking to somebody right now cuz I'm a

little scared of ghosts listen honey

you're going to have to be a little more

specific about what what you want

because I don't know what the hell

you're talking

about did you hear that did you hear

that oh it's turned into an evil

serpent okay now we're getting

somewhere hello Andy Andy are you there

oh no oh no they're they're out there in

the lines the phone instead it's that

it's that Manson group it's it's squeaky

and and Tex and and Lenny and

[Music]

Squiggy who's

there pizza oh yeah right you can't be

the pizza guy I ordered pizza 5 hours

ago and it never came so obviously his

truck's overturned in a drainage ditch

somewhere go ahead try again you don't

take the thief that comes out out of my

pocket and that makes me

mad you're a burglar go ahead admit it

no I'm not you P door well then you're a

zombie I saw NY the Living Dead the good

version the Black and White Version the

one everyone talks

about stay out leave me

alone oh my God it's the devil dog hell

from

hell

[Music]

noise oh I hate when the walls breathe

it's so

stupid oh I'm sorry sir no go ahead you

can breathe all you want it's great

country what second thought why don't

you go back to where you came from from

which is Hell or or maybe some place

[Music]

[Music]

worse please I pray that's just bad

plumet

[Music]

my God what a horrible dream and I look

so

[Music]

fat oh I'm in need of a complete

neurological

workup all right don't panic Don't Panic

I'm sure you can make everything look

nice and spiffy before she gets here

here is it's me Mrs Cowan the door seems

to be

stuck oh no I'm dead oh no and I just

know she's not going to pay me

now probably going to be some litigation

involved with this too

Hi how are you welcome home did you

bring me

anything I'm just joking you know

because when I was a little boy and my

parents used to go Al on trips they'd

always have to bring me a little gift

back otherwise I cry and I

cry I mean you know how kids

are do you like pudding

what in God's name happened

here oh uh well you must be referring to

the fact that things look a little a

skew yeah uh well you know it got kind

of blustery last night this is

irreplacable

well you know I'm no antiquarian but I'm

I'm fairly certain you can go down to

Woolworth and get a crate of these for

about 20

bucks oh Mrs Cowan I can't lie to you

there's something dreadfully wrong with

your house I don't know what it is it's

it's either evil spirits or or really

bad carpentry but it was a nightmare

last night

it hey hold it right there that

a*s oh so you did all this you destroyed

my

home hey yeah yeah that works yeah he

did all

this little Mister take what doesn't

belong to him huh you are a fiend sir

hey wait a minute I tried to rob you but

I never leave a mess if this jerk hadn't

went nuts and barricaded the door I

would have been out of here hours

ago who are you going to believe Mr chop

him up and stuff him under the

floorboards or me Chris Peterson

American paper boy Deluxe hey you got to

believe me he may even be dangerous hey

hey shut up unless you want another

ceramic Kitty Shut language young man

language I'm sorry ma'am like you've

never used language like that

before I guess it's time to call the

police boy you don't know what a relief

it was to find out there was somebody

upstairs all night boy with all those

noises I was starting to think I was

going a little crazy you know like a

time to take me off to the rubber room

in the funny jacket but now I know I'm

I'm as sane and healthy as apple pie

hey no dial

[Music]

tone I assume we all saw that saw what

yeah

what okay excuse me now while I go do

this go ahead no Second Chances you'll

witness the most death defying beats

ever attempted on the world world's

greatest stunts a 1H hour special later

tonight and this Thursday tune in to Fox

for special Thanksgiving episodes of The

Simpsons and babes can you think of a

better way to spend the holiday than

laughing now stay tuned for Married with

Children

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