01x02 - The Prettiest Week of My Life

[bunniefuu]

what's with him I haven't seen him this

happy since he had his picture taken at

the auto show with Adam

West son is everything all right did you

make a new friend on the teen chat

line it's nothing like that Mom Dad I've

got a little surprise for the two of you

I think I might just buy you a 30 room

man in Beverly Hills California complete

with push button phones did you win that

raffle at the paint store no ma I won

the genetic raffle look at this face

what do you see look at it Dad what do

you see what do you see say it say it

well it's a face yeah but what kind of

face uh pale pasty psychotic no Dad it's

a neatly chiseled well Grom drop dead

handsome face Chris have you've been

using polyurethane in an unventilated

room again

no now brace yourselves you two I'm

going to become a male

model you're always saying I can do

anything I want to do if I put my mind

to it this is something I can do without

putting my mind to it at all yeah but

Chris you can't just walk into the

Glamorous high-paying world of male

modeling it it takes hard work it takes

dedication and a semi moderate amount of

attractiveness ma don't you think I know

that I'm like a rough diamond that just

needs a little polishing that's all

and that's exactly what Handsome Boy

Modeling School is going to do for me

look at this ad I found in the Penny

Saver today Handsome Boy Modeling School

wants handsome fellas to train to become

successful male models bring your

beautiful face and a check for $60 down

to our Swank offices located off Route 9

behind the carpet warehouse son maybe

you want to think about this a little

more Dad I can't I'm not getting any

younger these are the prettiest years of

my

life damn I'm late for my personal

interview now when I walk out this door

here it would be nice if I knew in my

heart that I have your blessings your

best wishes and your full support well

you

[Music]

don't stand in the place where you live

now think about Direction wonder why you

have it down stand in the place where

you were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you have stand

in the place where you live

now out Direction wonder why you have it

now stand in the place where you were

now face with us the place where you

live wonder why you hav stand in the

place where you

are

stand that's great honey it must be

beginner's luck hi I'm here for the

interview oh sorry I'll be right with

you uh hey you didn't park in the carpet

store did you because they'll tow you

they're

b*stards honey my 10: is here I got to

go yeah well just just keep it in the

trunk and I'll take care of it when I

get home I love you

too how about that my wife just bagged

her first deer W she sounds like a

wonderful woman she is uh not much in

the face department but she's got a

heart of gold so I'm Ted Baines

president of Handsome Boy Modeling

School Welcome to our Swank offices you

have the

$60 uh well Mr Baines why don't you

first tell me a little bit about the

handsome boy curriculum H look

son we run a very intensive onewe

program here it's not for everybody if

you qualify you'll be taught all the ins

and outs of mail modeling but excuse me

are those are those cheek

implants uh no not that I know

of then you got some great cheekbones

wow well thank you I always thought my

nose was my best feature can you see it

take a look yeah good nose it's a Roman

pug which is very

rare very lucky so let's answer a few

questions here see if your qualifi name

uh Chris Peterson okay occupation uh

paper boy

and you're giving that up to become a

male model that's gutsy kid you got

something down below

huh all right now would you consider

your build to be muscular athletic trim

or lean uh well actually it's it's more

like soft

dough that's

good all right and uh

lastly are you or any member of your

family affiliated with the television

program 60 minutes

no occasionally I enjoy Andy Rooney but

that's that's okay I like him too all

right well let's add up your score and

see if you qualify then yep just as I

figured you

qualify get the 60 bucks yes I do and

you just sign here and you are now

officially a male model in training

great here your traine kept

Wow first classes tonight you'll be

instructed by an internationally famous

male model of good luck thanks Mr Baines

I won't let you down I promise well as

long as this check clears your Aces with

me

wow

hi uh excuse me is this seat taken

actually it's reserved for a model in

training not for members of the

custodial staff oh my sounds like

someone's drawing battle lines well let

me tell you something pal what you're

going through right now is called an

awkward stage okay you'll grow out of it

I was an ugly duckling once too now look

at me I'm a beautiful

Swan let's get something straight you

little

troll you can sit there but I don't have

time for your inan squawking I'm going

to graduate Head of the Class I'm going

to make so much money I'll be able to

buy my own island in the Caribbean how

exciting can I just say one thing you're

nuts you're living in a plan World stay

out of my way understand because this

Rocket's headed for the stars and there

isn't enough oxygen up there for the two

of us I'm sorry what did you say you had

a butt

lift how

embarrassing our students please take

your seats let's begin I'm Ted Baines

president of handsome boy and I am your

modeling instr instructor uh excuse me

you're the internationally famous male

model sort of I used to appear at home

improvement shows as king

plywood right now I will be instructing

you in all areas of fashion modeling you

learn all the basic poses such

as the G I wonder what time it is

pose and the what's off in the distance

while I'm being handsome pose

and of course the ever popular could I

have a side order of bacon with that

please

pose uh excuse me I can do those poses

in my sleep am I going to be able to

move at my own speed in this class or or

am I going to have to keep Pace with the

rest of these

snails is it possible for you to go 5

minutes without saying something stupid

actually no I think 30 seconds is my

limit what you you doing I'm not doing

anything this is just the way my body is

and where my hand is I'm in my own space

there's absolutely nothing ill*gal about

it and you can't do a thing about it yes

there is I can slap your hand away okay

that's a salt and battery and now I can

sue your a*s hey come on you two no cat

fights in my

classroom what's your name son I am

Sapphire great name very flashy I like

that and what's your name again uh I am

Sparkles interesting thing well Sapphire

Sparkles all of you this next week will

be full of a lot of pain and a lot of

sweat it won't be

easy some of you won't make

it those of you who do May achieve the

ultimate Pinnacle of this glorious

occupation a runway show at a local

department

store

God how I pray you all have that

experience just once in your

life and now

Gentlemen let's make

models right the attitude is like

saying

scum you're all

scum I'm better you're all

scum pretty woman walking down Street

pretty warm up kind of like to me pretty

warm

up I don't believe you you're not the

truth no one could look as good as

you

Mercy Pretty Woman won't you Parton me

pretty woman I couldn't help but see

pretty woman

that you look lovely as can be are you

lonely Just Like

[Music]

Me Pretty Woman yeah yeah

yeah pretty woman look my

way pretty woman stud stand

up I promise uphold the high standards

of the male model profession to give

100% at every photo session to be

punctual and reliable and not to throw

too many dissy

fits models sit

[Music]

down is she walking back to

me yeah

she's walking back to

me

[Music]

[Laughter]

oh Chris what are you walking like that

for did you dislocate your hip Dad I'm

pacing and that's my model walk and for

the last time my my name is not Chris

I'm Sparkles Chris is dead and he's

never coming

back it's been a week since I graduated

handsome boy how come nobody's called

with any work from me I don't know about

an hour ago I accidentally knocked the

phone off the hook for 3 seconds maybe

everyone try to call you

then Dad how can you be so clumsy at a

time like this if they can't reach me

they'll give all my jobs to Sapphire who

she I'll get it I'll get it hello hello

yes yes this is Sparkles

Peterson oh hello Mr

Baines yes I'm available for oh well

Fantastico yes I'll be there with bells

on okay

byebye well Mr naysayer I'm going off on

my first professional modeling gig who's

it for dear you know Ma I forgot to ask

I only know it puts me one step closer

to the ultimate Pinnacle of success in

my field a runway show no Chris I'm

going to be honest with you I was a

little dubious when this whole thing

first began but now I got to tell you

I'm I'm really impressed go get them

Speckles thank you it's Sparkles but

thank

you so are we going to finish up the ad

for muscle quick today yeah we got the

after shot now we got to do the before

some fat guy's coming in we're going to

take his picture in the same pose and

then we slap on Muscle Man's face you

know that old

scam wow

Mr muscus now great he's a real

blob Sparkles professional male model

Sparkles don't you like work for the

circus or something you know I never

have but uh that would be a challenge

those people put in incredible

hours so uh where do I get made up uh

well you don't need any makeup for this

oh you know you're probably right I have

uh what's called combination skin and

that seems to have a glow of its own

Under The Lights

EXA why uh why why don't you move over

here and we'll line up the shot all

right great okay so what's the shot for

anyway you don't know no they just said

it was a rush

job you must be another handsome boy

graduate well actually this is an ad for

a new uh health drink oh well fabulous

that's wonderful I wish you much luck

with

it so uh does this mean there'll be a

free crate of the stuff or walk

you know because I've heard about those

kind of perks why don't we get started

sure oh nice what is that a little

reggae yeah that's nice that ought to

loosen me up a little okay ready

something like this great

okay

unbelievable this good

good you know what let's let's try some

crazier stuff okay why don't you uh why

don't you take the jack

great idea I should have thought of that

myself terrific idea that off okay

something like this good hey okay that's

incredible this is so wonderful I can't

believe I'm actually modeling and I'm

really good at it too aren't I you know

what why don't we take the tie off throw

it in the air go nuts for yeah great

terrific idea okay should have thought

I'm new at this

but

doing this and the poses are just

they're kind of like pouring out of me

okay take your shirt off

[Music]

right do what take your shirt

off you said you're a professional M we

got to have this for the ad well nobody

said anything about taking the shirt off

don't worry about it you're doing

fantastic I know really there it

is that's this this what you're talking

about something like this

y

[Music]

yeah no that's it I'm not modeling

anymore for the two of you well I guess

I just have my first taste of the filthy

side of this business need I remind you

sir I am a male model not a male

prost*tute I'm going home now to

vonet this turned out to be a lovely day

didn't

[Music]

it Are we almost done sweetheart my legs

are getting a little numb just shift

your weight honey I gave you a break an

hour ago okay but it looks like Bobby's

getting ready to faint

again

freshh air Amy and Bobby you get back

here I'm not done

yet oh Larry Larry you're not going to

believe what I've been through

today Chris huh you do not live in this

house if you want to come over call

First this will give us ample time to

get in the car and drive away that's

very nice Sharon just stamp on my heart

in my time of need Larry I just came

from my first modeling gig it was a

total disaster who would have guessed

Larry it was awful they treated me like

I was Marilyn Chambers they made me take

off my top thank you for putting that

image in my mind don't you understand

those photos could wind up anywhere oh

modeling just sucks I'm completely

revolted and disenchanted pretty much

the way you probably felt on your

honeymoon Chris Chris it's real simple

what happened here you wanted to be a

male model but you can't be and as usual

you are the last one on the planet to

figure that

out you know Sharon for once in your

life you might be right I guess I just

couldn't see beyond the brim of my

handsome boy trainee cap I'm a failure

as a model that's not exactly true

you're a failure at many things all I'll

ever get are cheap sleazy ads while guys

with half my looks will be prancing up

and down the runway at drexler's

department store making everyone in the

audience feel like dirt damn why can't

that be

me wait a second it can be me it can and

you know what I'm going to do I'm going

to go down to drexler's and I'm going to

live my dream one way or another I'm

going to be in a runway

show hi how you

doing oh my God they're

gorgeous

this is the most beautiful piece of

clothing I've ever put on my

body okay this is it folks line

up my first runway show and I'm only

30 sappire Sparkles what are you doing

here I'm on the show honey what are you

doing

here you're in the show who did you

sleep with I got my job for the PO

agency Sweet Cakes what agency could you

possibly be with oh well I'm actually

with the I'm better than you agency it's

affiliated with the ieder guts

agency wait a second I know what you're

doing you're crashing the runway show

you pathetic little tit Mouse yeah

that's right pal and nobody's going to

stop this little pathetic Mouse tit or

whatever the hell is come on move it up

move it

jeez what's a little tit Mouse now stop

I bruis

easily Nisha yakira flatters the

buttocks with bold blacks while

delicately highlighting the groin area

with double pleats and avoiding the its

sentu shoulders of the

80s the overall silhouette commands

attention while gently guiding the eye

to the growing area without betraying

the muted beauty of the butex region all

right I give up you win

good oh my God it's Misha yakira in

person oh that's him huh uhhuh huh what

was that Sapphire you're going to go out

there and stick your backside out in an

unflattering

way betraying the muted beauty of the

buttocks but that would go against

everything Mr Yakir is trying to achieve

this shut up it isn't

true no no stop I would never betray

the he's an impostor he barely graduated

handsome boy let me go oh my that's sad

isn't it

well I have to go model Mr Yak Kira's

new spring line now properly excuse

me I had finally made it it was a dream

come

true every penny of the 60 bucks I paid

handsome boy was up there on that

Runway the crowd looked on with a

combination of awe love and

[Applause]

admiration and I could tell by the faces

of my fellow models that I was doing

everything just

[Music]

right I even caught a glimpse of my old

instructor Ted Baines I could tell he

had never been

[Music]

prouder everything had come full circle

I could now retire with dignity but for

a few moments I was a star I felt like a

cross between Samson Valentino and for

some reason Nancy

Reagan it was the single most beautiful

experience of my young life with the

exception of the moment when some fat

guy threw his sneaker at me for no

apparent

[Music]

reason before I knew it Security Forces

rushed the stage to protect me from my

adoring f

hands someone once said the worst thing

about climbing a mountain is that once

you've reached the top there's nowhere

else to go well I don't know what the

hell that means I think it has something

to do with camping but one thing I do

know is that for a single fleeing moment

I had peaked I was a winner I felt like

Secretariat the night he won the Indie

[Music]

500

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

oh

[Music]