Sx05 - World w*r Tree

[bunniefuu]

♪ I took a stroll ♪

♪ To see nature and its trees ♪

♪ But what I saw ♪

♪ I couldn't unsee ♪

♪ There was litter everywhere ♪

♪ And an oil-covered bear ♪

♪ The buzz of saws turning
ancient oaks into lawn chairs ♪

♪ I heard a sound ♪

♪ In the rustling
of the leaves ♪

♪ It made me wish ♪

♪ That we could talk
to the trees ♪

♪ If trees could talk ♪

♪ What would they tell us? ♪

♪ Climb up our trunks,
give us a big ol' hug ♪

♪ And please don't fail us ♪

♪ They are not just pencils,
paper and hot-tub decks ♪

♪ They put O2
in the atmosphere ♪

♪ Let them bend your ear ♪

Everybody!

♪ If trees could talk ♪

♪ They'd say they love us ♪
♪ [They'd say they love us] ♪

♪ So let's stop k*lling every tree
in sight and let them hug us ♪

♪ If trees could talk ♪
- Still profoundly moving.

It's hard to believe that
decades after this song...

human beings are still
clear-cutting forests.

Even harder to believe,
that video lost the Moonman...

to 'Right Now' by Van Halen.

The Crystal Pepsi song?
- The same.

Even now the Sequoia National Forest...

it's being decimated
for a new oil pipeline.

Tens of thousands
of trees will die.

And no one would hear their
screams if not for our work.

Yes, if not for...

the Arbor Orator!

This Earth Day, if humanity
won't listen to reason...

we will make them
listen to the trees.

Earth Day.

I didn't know they
did this anymore.

I think it would be a good
PR-move to let the world know...

that the League of Freedom
supports the trees.

I thought this was
gonna be that festival

where they set
that giant dude on fire.

That sounds horrific.

Ooo, I think I hear a drum circle.
Let's go do that.

Sure, that sounds fun.

What are you doing?

These forests are teeming
with mosquitoes.

Luckily, I found some
old DDT in my w*r chest.

Don't be shy.
There's plenty for everyone.

Earth Day! Love the Earth!

Hey, how long is this thing?
I have a patchouli allergy.

And by that, I mean I hate
everyone that wears it.

No one's leaving until
we shut this pipeline down.

Optocorp?
That's my dad's company.

That thing represents
half my inheritance.

What's that for? Traction?

We're chaining ourselves to trees
so they can't cut them down.

Give me that thing!
Sorry, Liplor.

Can't make the drum circle.
Would love to, but... you know, chains.

There's been a misunderstanding.

This is a clean oil pipeline.
- There's no such thing as clean oil.

What are you, a scientist?

Yes.

Please, keep this
conversation between us.

Welcome, everyone!

As you know, some of the
oldest trees in the forest...

will be bulldozed
if we don't stop this oil pipeline.

This Earth Day is special.

One, we have one of the
original artists from the classic song:

'If Trees Could Talk,
What Would They Tell Us?'

Hello!

The song was an abject failure.
Not only in stopping deforestation...

but also at the 1992
Video Music Awards.

And goodbye.

But today those mistakes
will be erased.

Today the trees will be heard!

As Van Halen would say...

'Right Now!'

What is that thing?

Today the trees will talk!

Guys, Lex brought us
to Crazy Town.

Let's pack up before we get
tied to this sh*t show.

Dad, look.

Did-did it work?

Barry, dude, they've
got faces. Keep up.

Steinhouse, you're on, baby.

Song still holds up.

Step aside, I've got this.

♪ If trees could talk ♪

♪ Oh, what would they tell us? ♪

♪ Climb up our trunks,
give us a big ol' hug ♪

♪ And please ♪

♪ Don't ♪

♪ Fail us ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Your instrument...

what is it made of?

Oh, well, uh...

I guess I hadn't thought of that.

Looks like old-growth pine.

You make music with the
corpses of my brothers?

Doctor, you might want
to step away.

w*r it is.

You idiot!
Who told you to play God?

Maybe get your digs in
after I've found my arm.

Okay, that didn't work.

Ranger, Saturn,
protect the civilians.

Liplor, Cooch, I need
you to... Where is Cooch?

Still better than
a drum circle!

You mutilate my kind?

It was on the ground.

Your daughter is safe!

Probably don't take
his word for it.

That's weapons-grade DDT.

Stay the hell away
from my pipeline.

I... I mean these kids.

What are you doing?
This is Earth Day!

You're like a kid sh1tting
in his own birthday cake.

To stand up to your barbarism,
we would sh*t in a million cakes.

Okay, we've clearly passed
the point of reason.

So trees are assholes.
- It certainly looks that way.

Cool, we've wasted our lives.

My tracker's pointing north.
- That device tracks Cooch?

No, my rings.
They're 40 grand a pop.

I'm not letting some
d*ck tree walk off with one.

And Cooch is pretty cool, too.

The forest is too dense!
We're blind in here.

I think the white powder
you covered yourself in...

might be harming the wildlife.
- You hear that in your drum circle?

You're speaking
nonsense, hippie.

Rex, it's gonna take us
days to comb this forest.

Keep looking, and we'll figure
out something on this end.

And my arm?

They'll tell me if they
find a human arm.

It's got a tattoo of Dave Matthews' face
on the bicep, if that helps.

How do we find
three trees in a forest?

With the help of someone who
could see the forest and the trees.

And I know just that person.

For thousands of seasons,
these creatures used us at their whim.

And we were too slow
to stop them.

But the fools have
given us their speed.

Hey, I want off
this stupid ride!

Have you been there
the whole time?

Yeah, dude, I chained myself to you
so they wouldn't cut you down.

And to get out
of the drum circle.

I'm sorry, we're at w*r,
and trees take no prisoners.

What?
- You got bark beetles, dude.

Bark beetles are fatal.

I have nothing to do now
but wait 'til...

Are you eating them?
- Yeah, so?

Why would you do this for me?
- I'm hungry, dipshit.

I mean, hungry
to save your life.

An animal! k*ll it!

I'll do the honors.
- The cat belongs to me.

Sweet Root
has taken a sl*ve.

Let the animal know the fear of living
at the whim of a tree for once.

Come, we have work to do.

Who lives here?

The person who's going
to help us find Cooch.

Planetessa?

Your old teammate
from Da League?

Looks like you've been...
roughing it.

You don't look
so great yourself.

Rex, it's been a while.

You must want something.

Well, you know, it's Earth Day and
since you are one with the Earth...

we thought we should...

say hi.

You haven't cared
about Earth Day...

since the royalty checks
from our terrible song dried up.

You didn't donate
the royalties to charity?

I donated my talent.

Rex?
- Blades?

Okay, the secret's out.
Blades and I are shacking up.

Literally. We live
in a shack now. Her idea.

Wait, don't you have retractable roller
blades implanted in your feet?

I didn't see a lot
of paved road for...

Fifty miles, and they don't
really retract anymore.

Gears got pretty jammed up
with twigs and pebbles.

But the disability checks
keep the lights on...

and let Planetessa
work on her book.

Manifesto. Looking for another
proofreader if you're...

Not interested.
- No thanks.

Fine. Blades can do it.

You guys seen the movie 'Misery?'

What do you want, Rex?

A member of my team has been
taken hostage deep in the forest.

We're retired, Rex,
and in love.

Yeah, that's what's
happening here.

In love, with no TV.

You're the only one we know
who could talk to trees.

Trees? What does this have
to do with the trees?

Scientists ended up bringing
three sequoias to life...

with these big scary faces.

Real 'Wizard of Oz'-sh*t.

Humanity... Fools, all of you.

The trees, they look calm,
unmoving, but they're just slow.

And Mother Earth made them
that way for a reason.

If you watched a decade
of forest growth in one hour...

you'd witness warfare that makes
'Saving Private Ryan' look like 'La La Land.'

You'd see clans of mighty oaks
starving their adversaries of sunlight.

Great pines poisoning
the groundwater of defenseless elms.

Trees are assholes, guys.

And they won't stop until their
greatest enemy is destroyed.

Man.

What do we do?

We need to talk
to Mother Earth herself.

Cooch! Cooch!

Okay, I'm not gonna
fight about this...

but I'm pretty sure you've
slathered yourself in poison.

Poppycock! Birds and squirrels
die every day.

Get off of there!
This is Optocorp property.

Not some tree-squirrel
[bleep]-shack!

Saturn, the pipeline
is leaking crude oil.

Clean oil.

Regardless it doesn't seem to be doing
this delicate ecosystem any favors.

Liplor, let's talk about this
whole environmental movement.

It sounds real groovy
on a bumper sticker...

but the reality is,
Planet Earth is our playground.

Given to us to enjoy as we see fit.

And if we make a few bucks
along the way...

what's the harm in that?

That sounds shortsighted,
simplistic, almost...

Am I saying this right?
Dirt stupid.

Are you saying this innocent,
black goo is scary?

Or this miracle of science
is somehow bad?

Where are we going, anyway?
- Silent, sl*ve!

No, I want her to know
what fate awaits her kind.

We travel to the Father Tree,
first sequoia of this land.

His roots touch
this entire forest.

We will sap-share with the Father Tree,
and through his roots...

bestow every tree with our gift.

We will have an army
that will end...

the days of man.
- Uh, sorry.

Know you were on a run there,
but she's asleep.

I was just talking to myself?

I was listening.

Don't patronize me.

Humans... they must not stop us.

Move!

That is a beautiful tree.

It sprung from the breast
of Mother Earth like a thick, wiry hair.

Don't bring it up
when you see her.

She's self-conscious about it.
- Hey, we've all been there.

How do we talk
to Mother Earth, exactly?

We don't have to put these
things in our mouths, do we?

They kind of do what they want.

Really not cool
making me walk, guys.

Though I am glad
I missed out on that.

Humans...

How did you get here?

DMT? LSD?

'Shrooms?

Oh, I wish.
Weird nose vines.

Planetessa?
- Yes.

We've been sent to ask your aid
in saving the human race.

The trees are attacking...
- Earth Mother sees all!

Why should this concern me?

Well, they want
to wipe out humanity.

Humankind spends its days
polluting my waters...

destroying my forests,
off-roading in my deserts.

Humanity is the Menendez
brothers of children.

Leave now.
You guys suck!

You know what? Wait.
You think we're all bad...

but for every as*h*le
hunting African elephants...

there's a group
of strangers rolling...

a stranded whale back
into the ocean.

Uh, I mean, for every executive
sucking oil out of you like a tick...

there's a thousand engineers
working on clean energy.

So, yeah, we've got
some bad eggs...

but most of us love you and want
to keep taking care of you!

And I'm to believe you're
two of the good ones?

What have you done
to help your Mother Earth?

I wrote a song.
- Dad, no.

Song? What song?

Well, it was called
"If Trees Could Talk..."

parenthetical,
"What Would They Tell Us?"

You wrote "If Trees Could Talk?"

I love that song!
- What?

Clearly written with a great
love of nature.

And donating all of your
royalties was a nice touch.

Steel Bark plans to inject
his sap into the Father Tree...

whose roots connect
all of the sequoias.

You must sever these roots.

How do we find the Father Tree?
- It's simple, girl.

Wait, I wanted to grab
an autograph, but... Oh, sh*t.

We're here.

The Father Tree.

So this tree made all of you?
Guy's a bone machine!

Silence!
- Oh, you guys don't get along.

I get it.
Wasn't around much?

Will you shut your mouth?

You are here to bear witness
to the end of your kind.

Take this gift, Father,
and share it with your brood.

And you could've been
around a bit more.

Steel Bark.

You know how you could
tell the age of a tree?

You count the rings.

Cooch, are you okay?
- I'm not at a drum circle...

so there's that.

In my day, trees
knew their place:

flagpoles, cigar store Indians,
the occasional gazebo.

Those days are over.

Thorn Black, Sweet Root,
sever their blood roots.

You know how much longer
we're gonna be in here?

'Cause I really had to go
to the bathroom...

and I'm kind of worried
my body can't hold it.

Humans in the treescape.

You trespass
in this sacred realm.

Now die!

Aah, what is this
foul substance?

It's just DDT.

Damn, Liplor,
you're getting [bleep] up!

Thank you, Cooch!

Father, receive me!

What is this?

My mind races.

The speed of the
mammals infects it.

Trees should not
have this power!

The same could be said for man.

Liplor, get up!

I've upset you.

You beat the sh*t out
of my friend, dumbass.

Hey, wait, what are you...

Timber!

We have to use the oil
to burn the trees.

But my inheritance!

Just do it!
- Fine!

Sorry, buddy.

You're too late.

What is this?

Steel Bark wants to turn all
your children into his army.

There will be a w*r the likes
of which we've never seen.

The trees will surely win, but...

Mother Earth
will be ravaged.

The great balance we've had
for millennia would disappear.

Sever my roots.

You got it.
- No problem.

Yeah, but it will k*ll me.
Should've said that first.

So let's make it
a moment, okay?

Okay, I'm good, thank you.

That doesn't feel
as good as you'd think.

Let's do this.

Father, what are you doing?

I think we won.

This place could use
a nice controlled burn.

That is hot.
Maybe we run.

He saved us.

And gave his life to do it.

I wish I could
tell him thank you.

Oh, you can.
I'm a tree...

so it's probably going to take
a couple of months to die.

Oh! Do you want us to stay or...

No, I'm good.
I appreciate it, though.

Okay, thanks again!

You're back!
Also, Lex, you peed your pants.

Did not get back in time.
Pretty embarrassing.

But we saved Planet Earth.

You did, but I think the rest
of your team got a little sloppy.

Fantastic.

The threat of the sentient
sequoias has been neutralized.

I can't think of a better way
to celebrate Earth Day...

than to bring balance
back to nature.

Would doing
what you just said...

without razing a hundred acres
of nationally protected forest be better?

Yes, objectively.
But that fire has proven...

that the Optocorp pipeline
is an environmental menace.

It's been officially shut down!

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

Happy [bleep]
Earth Day, everyone!

Mother [bleep]!

That'll be bleeped, right?

Cooch, are you okay?

Yeah, just saying
goodbye to the forest.

Happy Earth Day, Liplor.

Happy Earth Day to you, Cooch.