01x11 - The Inconceivable Escape of Dr. Devizo

[bunniefuu]

MAN: You've now arrived
at prison level.

Please remove all metal
from pockets and rectum.

Okay.

GROANER: Warden's coming.

Rex, a word.

I'm having a hard time
finding out what I'm
officially charged with.

Tell it to the judge, Menace.

Well, you know,
that's sort of my point.

I was looking over my papers
and on the trial date,
it says NA.

I can't even get a phone call.

I have cats!

I've got bigger fish to fry.

Oh, f*ck the fish!

I've got a saltwater tank,
Rex. Let me call
my sister, please.

Titanium Rex.

COMPUTER: Identity verified.

All right, let's do this.

Titanium Rex.
You brought me a gift?

I did.

Subtopian scotch.

That is your preference,
right, Dr. Devizo?

I drink it on occasion.

Ah, yes. The occasion
of your impossible escape.

From every prison
that's ever held me.

One year to the day
from my incarceration.

You've never been held by
the League of Freedom before.

Your League isn't
what it used to be, eh?

A pink drug addict?
The American idiot.

An oversized p*ssy.

And your nebbish robot.

You forgot about Black Saturn.

Oh, I mentioned the p*ssy.

This pathetic team
you've assembled

is your greatest
weakness, Rex.

I'm as good as free.

We'll see about that.

You're not going to leave
without pouring me
a drink, are you?

I want you to see
what you'll be missing
when you don't escape.

In fact, I doubt
you'll even make it
out of that chair.

Holy sh*t!

While you're spoiling me,

be a dear and bring me
the final "Hunger Games" book.

The prison library is abysmal.

[SIGHS] It's gonna be
on hell of a day.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[WHIRRING]

[GROANS]

You want
some Cooch?

[GASPS] Argh!

Don't get mad. Get Brad!

[CRASHING]

[BEEPING]

[EAGLE SCREAMING]

All right, team, listen up.

Midnight is
the one year anniversary

of Dr. Devizo's capture,

and you all know
what that means.

We going to Red Lobster?

No. It means
he's going to try to escape
in the next 24 hours,

and we are going to stop him.

And then Red Lobster?

Actually, that would be nice.
Cool.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
[GROANS]

Looks like the vultures
are already circling.

Sergeant Agony,

no one's held Devizo
for more than a year.

Do you honestly believe
the League will be the first?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Where'd you get that?

I'm almost positive this will
be a national embarrassment

and more proof that the League
is a bloated tick

on America's a*s!

Did that an...
Did that answer your question?

As much as I hate
Devizo's crimes,

I have to respect
his intelligence.

He called you a p*ssy.

What? Well, f*ck him!

f*ck him right
in the eye!

Everyone keep their cool.

Brad, Cooch. Devizo might
have help on the inside.

I want you to toss
every prisoner's cell.

Toss their salads?
Like eat their buttholes?

Toss their jail cells.
Jesus.

Saturn, I need you to...
March down to Devizo's cell
and call him a p*ssy.

No. I want you outside,
staking out our perimeter.

Now, Jewbot, I need you to man
the prison's access point.

No one gets in or out
without League credentials.

Oh, I guess I'm gona need
some of those if you
want me to help. [CHUCKLES]

Uh...

Which, from your expression,
I can tell you do not.

You're still an intern, Lex.

I want you to inventory
the supply room.

If Devizo's got his hands
on so much as a plastic fork,
I want to know about it.

Excuse me, you want
me counting things? [CHUCKLES]

You've got a walking
calculator right here.

A walking calculator
with feelings.

Ranger, I'm going
to need you to...

Sorry, Rex. Because of your
infidelity with my wife,

Gloria has given me 24 hours
to have intercourse
with another woman.

Apparently, a 2011 movie,

and no one else ever,
called it a "Hall Pass."

Ranger, keeping
Devizo on lockdown
is our top priority.

Sorry, Rex. Not that I don't
want to help the man that
intercoursed my wife

for how many years was it?

I'd rather not say.

You'd rather not say.

Well, I'd rather not, not make
use of this little baby.

You printed one out?

I've been learning Photoshop.

Now I'm off to find
a suitable young woman.

Don't call me.
Because I'll be having...

Intercourse?
Intercourse!

[LAUGHS]

The chances
of that ending well

.0000000000001%.

Ranger will come around.

I've got a job to do.

Look alive,
m*therf*ckers.

This cell's getting tossed!

Well, let's get
this over with.

What the hell
are you doing?

What? You guys have never done
a body cavity search before?

Not on the clock.

Well, it's part of
the process. Go on.
Take a look around.

Holy sh*t!

Quite the pooquet.

Damn, dude.
Clean as a whistle.

Brad, come look
at this dude's turd wallet.

Magnificent.

Spread 'em.

Thank Snorfle, you saved me!

I've been in there
for 13 bleepblaps.

BRAD: Got something?

Uh... Nope.



Who buys Shank Energy Drink?

Shank me!
Huh?

Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

No, not the Donkey Punch.

Toss me one of
those Date Grapes.

[GULPS]

Ahhh!

Aren't you supposed
to be outside?

Perimeter duty?
I don't think so.

No one calls me a p*ssy
and gets away with it.

I'm taking the dance
right to Devizo's lab.

That sounds awesome.
Can I help?

Sorry, Lex. It took me
three cans of Shank to
come up with this plan.

It's a little extreme
for an intern.

Now watch out
because I am Shanked.

[EXCLAIMS]

Wait! How many cans did you...

[GROWLS]

Oh, it stings so bad.

Oh dear. This getup is going
to be catnip to the ladies.

Where are you going?

Some bordello?

American Ranger doesn't
pay for it, sister.

I'm going to find
a nice watering hole

and see if the moves I used
to land you still work.

You're going to step
on a land mine

and let them nurse
you back to health?

Maybe I'll play it by ear.

Ranger, I love you.

I... I love you too, Gloria.

But I stand for
truth and justice.

You boned my friend,
so I have to camshaft
a 22 year old.

It's just the way it works.

Back again, Rex?

Let's see you escape
while I'm three feet away.

Maybe I already have, Rex.

Maybe I'm just a figment.

Ow! Son of a b*tch!

There's no bluffing your
way out of this cage, Devizo.

Let me break it down for you.

The cell doors can only
be opened from the outside,

by a League member.

REX: And then there's
the matter of the laser grid,
deactivated by voice commands.

And if you get through that,

this whole wing goes
into lockdown

to the tune of two 225 ton
spring-loaded blast doors.

But you won't have
to worry about any of that.

Because first, you'll
have to get past me.

Oh, Rex. I have as many
tools as I could ever need.

I have the League
of Freedom, and I have you.

And I'm not going anywhere.

But whatever will
we talk about?

Well, that's your problem.

I brought a book.

You monster.

Cinna's okay, right?

Rex? Rex?

DR. DEVIZO: Rex?

Jewbot. I'm ready.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Sorry, I thought
I sent you a text.

Droid.

Oh, just leave it on.

It didn't go through,
my bad. Anyway,

you're going to process
me as a prisoner,

so I can bury my foot
in Dr. Devizo's taint.

The hardened criminals
of Gen Pop will eat you alive.

That's why I'm leaving
Black Saturn behind.

Say hello

to Mange.

What are you saying?

Mange.
Come again?

Mange.

Mange!

Will you just process me?

Is that wise?

Do it. I am inmate 4976.

Aka, Mange...
All right.

Oh, wait!
Take it easy, dude!

My arm!
Welcome to Candyland, b*tch.

Oh, wait!

Yeah, new blood!
New blood!

Tear him a new one, Quiplash!

Nice mask.

Does it protect
your face?

Yes, yes it does.

Your quips suck.
Mine do... I mean, yours do!

Oh! Ah!

[STUTTERING]
Ah! Oh, my God!

Ah! No!
Oh! What is that?

Maybe we should
have a safe word.

Good idea.
The safe word will be...

[STATIC CRACKLES]

Jewbot, that's not...
That's not a word!

Sweet dreams, scumbag.

[GIBBERING]

Jewbot, come back!

GROANER: He's not
going to help you.

No one is.

Thank God, it's you!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Take it easy!

Do I know you?
[STAMMERS] What? Ye...
Of course, yes.

We did the banana
puppy job together.

I don't remember that.

Well, I was banging
nitrous pretty hard there
for a five year period.

Well, stick with me
and I'll show you the ropes.

Nothing? This usually kills
with new guys.

Yeah, you're not
ready to laugh.

Hey, is Blazer still
cranking it over there?

I'm afraid so.

Yeah, we're just going
to let him finish.

Ugh! When the hell did
the "Hunger Games" start?

It... Don't tell me
anything.

What? She chose Peeta?

I can't do this anymore.

It's starting to feel
like I'm punishing myself.

Ugh. You never did
appreciate art.

Maybe, but I never actively
assaulted it either.

I mean,
for Christ's sake, Devizo,

little black squares?

Do they know, Rex?

What are you talking about?

Your team.
Do they know
what I used to be?

That you were once
a member of the League?

Helping us fight crime
with the gadgets you built,

until that wasn't
enough for you.

You wanted to level
the planet and build
a new world from scratch!

My design sense
is unparalleled.

It only makes sense that
I be allowed a greater canvas.

That's the worst use
of a canvas than
these stupid black squares.

You never could
appreciate what was
right under your nose!

Is that why you left?

I didn't pat you
on the head enough?

Hold on. Hold... Hold on.
What?

I've got to use the bathroom.
I'm going to have a...

Okay, okay, we can do this.

Well, go on, I'm listening.

You know what?
I'm going to wait.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Sir, by your apparel,
I assume you're
the young woman's father.

Now, I'm a straight sh**ter,

so I want you to know
if I take your daughter out,
there could be intercourse.

This is my
girlfriend,
you tool.

A swing and a miss.

Oh, my gosh, your face.

I recognize you.

You're American Ranger.

Yes, and you must
be a rodeo clown.

Oh, my God.
My dad loves you.

Fantastic.
Let's give him a call.

I'd like permission
to buy you a drink.

Oh, my gosh.
I'm laughing.

You're funny.
My name's Mary.

Mary. A little exotic.

Oh, I love your fedora.

Touching a man's hat?

Good God, woman.
Miss Manners would
break your thumb.

Two PBRs. Thank you.

That's a lot of ink.
Were you in the service?

I've waited tables.

Oh, boy.
You want this, Ranger.

Bottoms up.

I fought for my country.
I'm not going to drink
Rudolph Pabst Swill!

Now, I'm sure you've heard
that you should never
pick up the soap,

but that's only
half the battle.

You get soap in
your eye as well.

Let's just say your hand
will find three hard dicks

before you find
your washcloth.

Uh, I'm more
of a bath guy.

Back in the shower.
Towels off.

Oh, my God.

Holy sh*t!

Ah! You could lasso
a calf with that thing.

You know it's more
of a burden
than you think.

Really?
No it's freaking
awesome, man.

Look at it!
No, no!

Keep it away from me!

Ahhh! Dammit, I can't see!

Can someone hand me
a washcloth?

No! Don't!

And then we had to use
that boy's body as a flotilla,
and eventually as sustenance.

You get used to the sight,
but the smell...

The smell stays with you.

So to answer your question
that, Mary, is the craziest
thing I've ever done.

Wow, I thought I had
you beat with

my roommate and
her boyfriend.

I'm not quite sure
how to broach this, but...

Do you have any
interest in having
intercourse with me?

My apartment's
down the street.

I think my roommate's gone.

Not that, that
matters apparently.

Oh, come on.
You left the League

to pursue your
twisted fantasies about
rebooting the world.

No, Rex.

I left the League when
I found out you were
sleeping with my wife.

What? No, I didn't

think you knew about that.

Oh yes, I knew about that.

A case of subterranean
super herpes is
hard to explain away.

I've got that cleared up
by the way.

Oh, thank you.
I was very concerned.

I never knew how much
hate was inside of me
until my love left.

You created
this darkness, Rex.

It was an honest mistake.

And American Ranger?

Was that a mistake as well?

How did...
And how is he taking
your betrayal, Rex?

DR. DEVIZO: Is he flirting
with his dark side?

Acting selfish to hurt
the ones that hurt him?

Ranger.

If you let him go
down my path,

what kind of evil
will he find?

But you can't leave me.

Your friend's not
that important.

Is he?

Ah! Jewbot?

Do not take
your eyes off him.

Where are you going?

To save my friend.

[LAUGHING]

We're wasting our time.
I want to see Devizo now.

Well, relax, dude.
Don't freaking touch me!

[SIGHS] I've had enough
male contact for
a long, long time.

When this place
gets me down,
I crank out some sets.

I'm not sure I can lift this.
I'll spot you.

Are you going to stand
like that?

And away we go.

Oh, come on.
I can see your d*ck.

Hey, there, buddy.
We all been talking about you.

Oh, cool.
What's the word?

[SCREAMS]

Nobody never heard
of a villain named Mange.

Now, you listen here.
Mange is under my protection.

Oh, God.
It's touching my face.

Don't get involved, Groaner.
This is bigger than you.

Nothing is bigger than him.

You tell Devizo
that if he wants Mange,
he has to come through me.

I can smell it!

That won't be necessary.

It's staring at me!

Won't be necessary?
What does that mean?

What does it want?

Devizo wants to see him.

Hey, you hear that, buddy?

Get your d*ck
out of my face!

[KISSING NOISES]

Okay, is that your
tongue, for God's sake?

I'm sorry.
Mary, please stop.

What's the matter?
You seem a million
miles away.

I have an admission
to make to you.

I have no plans to ask
for your hand in marriage.

This is simply
a posterior telephone call.

Yeah. No, I know.

It's retribution intercourse.

Oh, okay.

To get back at my wife.

A 100% on board.

Okay, I guess
everything is above board.

Let the intercourse begin.

An eye for an eye.

[MARY MOANING]

Stop it, Ranger.

Rex, what are you doing here?

I'm stopping you from making
a mistake we'll all regret.

I'm not that bad.
Oh, my God.

Have you been
talking to Dave?

I'm sorry, Rex.
Gloria broke my heart.

Gloria thought
you were gone, Ranger.

We both did.

And yes, we were
drawn into an affair,

but that's only because
we saw you in each other.

Right, Gloria?

Oh, hello.

Honey, I know I look like
Father Time rode me hard,
put me away wet.

And you still look like you
did on our wedding day.

But if you go
through with this,

I'll know the man
I married is dead.

And we might as
well get a divorce.

You know what
you always said about
divorce right, buddy?

It's call me bullshit!

Call me bullshit,
that's right.
Yeah, call me bullshit.

We've got a long way
to go to fix this, Ranger.

Let's get started.

Sticking it out when
a marriage should
be pronounced

dead on arrival
is the American way.

Let's do it.

Right after I stomp
three kinds of sh*t
out of this little hussy.

Whoa! Don't go there!
Let me go!

We're just three hours
away from Dr. Devizo's

inevitable escape.

Are you Team Devizo?
Or Team Freedom?

Devizo! [CHEERS]

MAN ON TV: And our
polling shows that is
a common sentiment.

Hey, Cooch, does Rex
still have eyes on Devizo?

What? He's not even there?

But what if he... No!
I'm coming down there.

Your artwork appears to be
binary in nature.

Why, you're the first one
to notice.

You know it's a puzzle?
Too complicated for most.

Hmm, interesting.

A scrambler virus?
No, no, no, no, no.

JEWBOT: [STAMMERING] Cooch!

I'm coming, Jewbot!

JEWBOT: Help!
Cooch!

Identity verified.

[STUTTERING] The door's open!
The door... Do... Door!

Hey, who's scuffing me?

Someone who knows
a hyper evolved cat
is still just a cat.

You're on your own now.

Black Saturn.

COMPUTER: Identity verified.

What was that?

Mind your own
g*dd*mn business!

Devizo, time to see
who the real p*ssy is.

Uh... This would be
less confusing if
you weren't holding a cat.

A bad guy in the cell block?
It's a jailbreak!

No, it's just me!
Oh no!

[SATURN GROANING]

Black Saturn.

Identity verified.

[COOCH GRUNTING]
Wait, it's me.

Whoa, hey!
Let go of me, dude!

COOCH: What are you doing?
I'm going to f*ck you up!

Cooch! You son of a b*tch.

[YELLING]

Hold up, Brad. Hold up.

[PRISONERS CHEERING]

PRISONERS: Hooray! Hooray!

Is everything okay... Oh!

Oh, crap.

Now we know we'll fight
for each other, Ranger.

Yes, and that
a woman in her 80s

has no business fighting
a woman in her 20s.

That was ugly.

Rex, look! What the hell?

Devizo.

Ugh! Get off me!

MAN ON TV: Dr. Devizo has
done it again, viewers.

Punking the League of Freedom

and holding intern
Lex Lightening hostage.

I'm too close, aren't I?
Let me just... Sorry.

Kip, you are not helping.

Let her go, Devizo.

Ah, Rex. So glad
you could join us

for the last moments
of your daughter's life.

I'm so sorry, Lex.
This is all my fault.

[GROANS] Lex.

Just as you once stole
the most important person
in my life, Rex,

I will now steal yours.

Any last words, darling?

Saturn, Donkey Punch me!

What kind of sick
sh*t are you guys into?

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]
[LEX GRUNTS]

No one

calls my boyfriend a p*ssy,

but me!

MAN ON TV: If you're just
joining us,
the League of Freedom

was bailed out on national
television by their intern.

That's like if Monica Lewinsky
k*lled Osama bin Laden.

What year is it, Jim?
Enough with the Lewinsky sh*t.

That's the last time
Devizo calls me a p*ssy.

Ow! Clock out, Lex.
That hurt!

Good as new.

Well, well, well,
looks like your daughter
made good, Rex.

I don't remember
inviting you in, Agony.

I don't remember not caring.
Oh wait. Yes, I do.

What do you want?
Everyone's talking about Lex.

Having her as a full member
would go a long way

in restoring America's
faith in the League.

And that's exactly why
I petitioned Congress

to forbid you from
taking on new members.

Boom! Got the letter
right here.

What is this?
Give me that.

Oh...

I know you're not
getting a membership
in the League, Lex,

but I want you to know
that I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, I hear your cell mate
mysteriously disappeared.

Oh, we're...
We're still doing this?

I want you to know,
he's going to be okay.

Oh, Jesus.
f*cking embarrassing.

I have it on good authority
that he's very thankful
for everything that you...

I know you're
Mange, Saturn.

Uh... [STAMMERS]

SATURN: I'll never
forget you!

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

Dear Rex, surely you realize
that Dr. Devizo

does not fail
this spectacularly

without intention
and only in the name
of something larger.

Will you figure out
what it is in time?

Could you stop me
even if you do?

[GASPS] The last page!
Torn out! Who?

[SCOFFS] Who's
the p*ssy now?