03x08 - It's a No-Brainer

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
tonight's mr. Show,

Brought to you by
puny devil kneehigh socks.

They devilishly
come up to your knees.

[ Audience applauding ]

Hey, everybody,
it's bob and david.

Hello.

Hey, hey.

All right.
All right.

Hi.

Hello, everybody.
Hello.

Well, we have a great
show for you tonight.

That's right,
the doodletown
junkies are here.

Yep, yep, and we're
gonna have a visit

From capt. Mr. Sergeant and
the marine corps improvisers.

Oh, wow.
They're special.

[ Protestors ]
mr. Show unfair !
Mr. Show unfair !

What the hell ?

Mr. Show unfair !
Mr. Show unfair !

Mr. Show unfair !
Mr. Show unfair !

Let bob and david speak !

Why won't you let
bob and david speak ?

It's us, this is us.

We're speaking.

Right now.

All right ! Yo !
Yeah, yeah !

All right, and i'm gonna
teach you how to make

My famous 5-Alarm
christmas dinner.

[ Protestors ]
kick us out !
Kick us out !

Why won't you kick us out ?

Kick us out now !
Kick us out !

Kick us out !

Oh, ok, fine.
We will.

Hey, security.

Get in here.
Yeah, get these guys.

[ Both hollering ]

Kick us out !

They're kicking
us out !

They're kicking
us out !

They're kicking
us out !

Why won't you
throw us out ?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did it.
Good protest.

Yeah.

[ Folk music playing ]

Yeah, man,
we showed 'em.

Great. Let's get
something to eat.

Yeah, man,
i'm hungry.

You got any change ?

Nah. I don't
have any change.

[ Both ]
give us a hot dog !
Give us a hot dog !

Give us the hot dogs
we demand,

Or close down
this hot dog stand !

Give us the hot dogs
we demand,

Or close down
this hot dog stand !

[ Engine sputtering ]

f*ck !

Dude.

Yeah, yeah.

[ Both ]
we had a bad car,
we want a good car !

Give us a car, hey !
Give us a car, hey !

We had a bad car,
we want a good car !

Give us a car, hey !
Give us a car, hey !

[ Protestor #1]
what do we want ?

[ Protestor #2 ]
to get laid !

When do we want it ?
Now !

What do we want ?
To get laid !

When do we want it ?
Now !

[ Both ]
hey, hey ! h*, h* !

The girls we slept
with have got to go !

Hey, hey ! h*, h* !

The girls we slept
with have got to go !

Hey, hey.

[ Announcer ]
they're america's most
successful protestors,

Protesting their way
to riches and fame,

And gaining control
of a multinational

Oil conglomerate
along the way.

Sirs, we have a problem.

[ Protestors outside ]
no more oil !

It's protestors.

[ Protestors outside ]
no more oil ! No more oil !

No more oil !

No more oil !

No more oil !

[ Both ]
no more slogans,
no more pests,

We don't need
your damn protests !

No more slogans,
no more pests,

We don't want
your damn protests !

No more slogans,
no more pests ! We
don't want your...

Although this emotional day
seems to be coming to an end,

It is far from over.

An undercurrent of rage has
reached its boiling point,

Suggesting that even
the most benign incident

Could touch off
a full-Scale riot.

[ All chattering ]

A riot has seemingly
broken out here.

It's just a
terrible scene.

We are right here, live.

As usual, channel 6
on the spot news cameras

Are the first on the scene.

[ Announcer ]
this is channel 6
on the spot news.

When news breaks,
we're there,

Capturing news as it happens.

Channel 6: we make the news !

Good evening, i'm ty hutley
and this is on the spot news.

Tonight, our top story:

Fire in the southland.

With the scoop, our reporter,
hayden lewis is there.

Hayden ?

Ty. Hayden lewis.
I'm standing here

On the outskirts of
ameretta national forest

Where a fire has
just broken out.

Channel 6 cameras
are here first.

Local fire crews have only
moments to contain this blaze.

[ g*n firing ]

I'm sorry, i have to
interrupt you there, hayden.

Our reporter has
just been shot in the
ameretta national forest.

Once again, our
channel 6 cameras are
first on the scene.

Reporter belinda gilronan
is there.

Yes, ty, it's true.

Senselessly, tragically,

The body of a local television
reporter lies motionless,

Here on the outskirts of...

[ Groaning ]

...ameretta forest.

No confirmation on
the victim's condition.

But once again, channel 6
is first on the scene.

All right, we'll check
back on that story later.

All right, but first,
our cameras have caught
a sn*per in action.

[ g*n firing ]

[ Crowd screaming ]

That's right, ty,
the terror began only a
couple minutes ago...

Channel 6 is here, once
again, on the spot.

That's the one, officer.

That's the show that
k*lled my husband.

[ Man chattering on t.V. ]

All right, the rest of
you is free to go.

[ Announcer ]
v.T.V. We get
away with m*rder.

You're watching v.T.V.,
t.V. With an extra "v."

[ Female announcer ]
we sent 5 american
college students...

Rachel.
Peter.

Tammy.
Chut.

Billy.

[ Female announcer ]
...on a 3-Week,
all-Expenses-Paid trip

To the most historic
places in europe,

To find 6 hidden bean bags.

We've been to jolly,
old england.

g*y france.

And n*zi germany!

[ All cheering ]

[ Female announcer ]
previously on culture hunt...

[ Imitates whipping ]

Excuse me, sir, have
you seen a bean bag ?
Did you see a bean bag ?

[ All yelling ]

Yeah!

Yeah, i got it !

I got it !

[ Woman ]
this week, amsterdam.

This is the main room.

In 1942, anne frank and
the entire frank family

Moved into
this very attic.

In june, the allies
were already...

Hey, dude, we'll
take this room.

Cool.
Cool.

[ Sighing ]
hey, man.

Let's find that bean bag
and get to the hash bar.

Oh, yeah.

[ Gargling ]

Wow, dude, man.

It all happened right here.
I mean, right here.

Don't even...

Just keep looking.

Yeah, it's
creepy, huh ?

[ Sighs ]

But, dude, man,
i can't imagine what
that would be like.

You know, bein' locked up
with your entire family

For 2 whole years--
Even your grandma.

Yeah, that would be like

Thanksgiving from hell.

[ Laughing ]

Bean bag.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

f*ck !
Did you find it ?

No !

It says here that they
couldn't use the bathroom

While the store was open.
That's like 8 hours.

sh*t, man. I could not
hold it that long, man.

I'd turn green,
and sh*t.

That would be tough.

Hey.

Remember when we had
to drive cross-Country, and
we had to pee in bottles ?

Sure, remember that
time i filled up that
entire bottle in one pee ?

You beat
eddie gordesky's record.

That i did.
Yeah !

[ Woman shushing ]
[ imitates urinating ]

[ Sighing ]

Hey, man.

Bet old annie frank
beat my record.

It doesn't say.

Man, they're not gonna
put that in there.

[ Sighing ]

Nice house, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's bigger
than i expected, you know.

It's, like, it's roomy.

Can you imagine
being holed up in my
apartment for 2 years ?

Now that would
suck donkey dicks.

sh*t.

Hey, man, you still
lookin' for a place ?

Yeah.

Wouldn't mind
a place like this.

sh*t, yeah. Man,
f*ck' secret
entrance, and all that.

That would be
the bong room.

Yeahhh !

[ Person shushing ]

Well, at least they
didn't have my landlord.

Tsk. Yeah, man,
that dude's, like,
a total naz--

Hey, what's wrong
with you, man ?

Tsk.

Man, this place
is bummin' me out.

Yeah, must be the
color of the walls.

Yeah.

Walk it off, man.

[ Whistling ]

[ Babbling ]

Loosen up.
You got a hacky
sack ? Let's hack.

No, man. This--This
isn't workin' for me.

Think about the
bean bag, man.

I mean, what kinda god
would make a world where...

Dude...

Where a bean bag
was so hard to find ?

Yeah ! Exactly.

Be strong for
the bean bag !

For the bean bag !
For the bean bag !

Right.
For the bean bag !

Right.
For the bean bag !

For the sake of...
dude, dude, dude !

Oh , sh*t.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

[ Both grunting ]

Say, "yeah."
Say, "yeah."

Yeah !

[ Both cheering ]

We found the bean bag.

You're welcome.

[ Camera clicking ]

[ Man #1 ]
well, that was our
trip to that place.

And here's a map
of europe we drew.

[ Man #2 ]
we saw france, and
berlin, and europe,

And england.
Yeah.

We would have
gone more places,

But there were
only 6 bean bags.

[ Projector whirring ]

[ Narrator ]
europe cowers on
the edge of a beast

Called the communist
soviet union.

Red all over:
the communist conspiracy.

Good evening,
i'm jack webber.

This is timmy.
Hello, timmy.

Look what i have.
It's your toy rubber ball.

Would you like
to play with it ?

Well, maybe later.

Run along, now.

Children, they seem
to be everywhere,

In our homes, churches,
and schools.

While on the surface
they may seem innocent,

Inside, it's another story.

[ Narrator ]
little brother, big menace !

[ Jack ]
we now know that within every


Is a system of strings
and pulleys operated
by a small dwarf.

This dwarf is an employee
of the international
communist league.

Here's a simple test
to see if your child is
really a costumed dwarf.

Hit him on the head
with a hammer.

Good night and
god bless america.

Hello, i'm jack webber.

That was me
back in 1959.

My series of short
propaganda films scared
a lot of good people

Into doing some
pretty bad things.

Chipped teeth, broken skulls,
and shattered childhoods

Are the legacy
of those films.

Now i'm here to
clean up my mess with...

[ Man ]
take it back, jack !

Firstly, little boys are
not puppets of communism.

At the time i said that

My son was going through
a troubled pre-Adolescence,

Coupled with some
serious abandonment issues.

Just because a child
is defiant

Doesn't mean they
want to overthrow
the government.

Sometimes, they just
want a cookie,

A game, some attention.

Attention that
a drunken father
cannot provide.

I'm sorry, tim.

In another film,
i warned of the
increasing frigidity

Of women
in these united states.

Let's take a look.

[ Narrator ]
the eagle vs. The skirt.

The women of america
are out to bring this
country to its knees,

One man at a time.

Case closed !

At the time
i made that film,

Women in streets,
and bars, and lounges

Seemed to be turning
a cold shoulder to
the american male.

This impression was
based solely upon my own
experiences with women,

Which, at the time,
were rocky, at best.

I don't blame women
for not liking me.

I didn't like me.

I was one big
ball of hate.

I ruined weddings, parades,
funerals, debutante ba*ls,

The chinese new year,
and once a year,
my own birthday.

I was a time b*mb of
rage and i exploded,

Striking out at the
dalai lama, who was in this
country on a goodwill mission.

At his holiness' request,

I was sentenced to spend
one week at his mountain
retreat at tibet.

Well, one week turned
into 8 years.

During my time at naipur,

I learned that we are
all one with nature,

And the river of life
flows out my 3rd eye.

I've laughed like a child
at the feet of the buddha

And i've learned to
really eat a peach,

And not simply consume it.

Now, i'd like to
share my newfound
awareness with you

Through this
humorous calendar book,

Jack webber's 365
wrong predictions.

It's a fun
and funny way

To recount
frightening world events
that never came to pass.

[ Man ]
the jack webber calendar.

Use it in your home,

Your office,

Or if your office
is in your home.

Ah !

Put it up
on the wall.

All right, there
it is. One day old.

Hey, "dream of a lifetime."

We're a simple
mom and pop charity.

You know, we grant dying
kids one last special
dream, you know.

Hey, we're not big like
"make-A-Wish" or
"starlight," you know.

But hey, that doesn't
mean we're not legit.

Dream of a lifetime.

Dream of a lifetime !

[ Both ]
yeah !

This will be fun.

This is a read-Out
of the in-Patient list

At the, uh, pediatrics
ward at st. Joe's.

Oh, here we go!

Terminal entitilitus:


Hey, let's do it !

All right.
Yeah.

Yeah, wha--
Yeah, yeah, ok.

But, my. Trumick, you
know, if you want to go
to make-A-Wish, go ahead.

But, you know, i'll tell
you what they're gonna say.

They're gonna give
you a "maybe."

Hey, jimmy, hi !

Uh, say, this is lamar kath
from dream of a lifetime.

How would you like to
meet shaquille o'neal ?

Yeah, you would ?

How about michael jackson,
today ?

Yeah, that's right.

Think make-A-Wish
can do that ? No.

Yeah, i'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna take you
to the game tonight.

I'll see you in 20 minutes.

I'll meet you
at the hospital.

Yeah.

Ward 7. No, i got
it all here.

I got a computer print out
of all this stuff. Yeah,


Yeah, 6 months to live.

It's totally legit.
Dream of a lifetime,
you can look us up.

Not right now,
we don't have
the phone listed.

But-- No, on monday...

Yeah !
We got him, we got him.

Yes.

Piece of cake, man.

Hollywood ? The number
for michael jackson.

Yeah , yeah.
The michael jackson.

As in, the king of all pop.

Can you look again, please ?

[ Sighing ]

When can we go in ?

Probably pretty soon,
probably pretty soon. You
want to see shaquille, huh ?

Yeah.
Yeah!

You wanna meet him,
huh ? He's gonna--

That's where they park
the cars. Shaquille, uh,

Probably parks right there
and also the teams come in...

I'll show you
when we go.

Hey, hop, hop, hop !
Jimmy, come on.

Hi, how are you ?

Thank you.
Tonight's a good night--
She's feeling really good.

Oh, good, good.
Thank you so much.

All right.

Well, hello there, kiddo.

Hey, i was talking to
a friend of mine who
wanted to meet you.

Who ?

Michael jackson.

Really ?

Yeah ! I dunno,
he said he wanted
to stop by today.

Is today a good day ?
I don't know. Is it ?

Yes.

Oh, yeah, it
is. All right.

That might feel
great. Give me 5 !

All right,
all right.

Excuse me. Folks, i'm sorry,
but visiting hours are over.

Hey, what about that
soda i asked for ?

Is that thing
coming, or what ?

Sir, there's a machine
down the hall.

Well, i guess
he's not comin'.

What ?

Y-You said
he was coming.

Y-Y-You told her
michael jackson was coming.

You told us.

Well, i guess i'll
see you guys later.

Take it easy, corrie.
Feel better.

I'm gonna sue you
to kingdom come.

I'm gonna sue you.

How about that ?
Yeah, how about that ?

Did you see the
look on her face

When i told her
michael jackson was

Coming to meet her ?
Yeah.

Did you see that ?
Yeah.

Well, don't take
that away from her.

This kid's like
a broken record, ok?

[ Pathetic kid voice ]
"hey, mister, i'm
sick, you know.

I wanna see
shaquille o'neil."
Hey, jimmy.

So, he's not
your son ?

No, no, he's
not my son...

Oh, hey, here's the dad.

Hey, mr. Drew.

Son, are you
all right ?

Everything's fine.

Are you all right ?

All right,
all right.

Hey.

Hey.

How did it go ?

Huh, so-So.

Yeah ?
How about you ?

Great, great.

But the parents...

Ah, the parents !

Right ?
Yeah.

Hey, well,

They're under a lot of
stress, what with their
dying kids, and all.

So you know...

What do we got
tomorrow ?

Oh, tomorrow !

We got
todd jaspers !

He's got
walter p. Francis syndrome.

What's his dream ?

That's the best
part about it.

He wants to see snow.
He's never seen snow.

Easy !

You know, snow,
frozen rain.

It's a no-Brainer.

Get some water
in a freezer !

That's it.

f*cking landlord.

We've got no
bottled water, either.

Ah !

Hey, let's use
this cola.

Here's some snow !

Mother is the
necessity of invention.

Yeah.

You read it
here first.

Ah, i don't know.

What, it's
snow. Look.

Yeah, it's just
that it's brown.

Yeah.

Hey, i know.

Put some
macaroni in it.

All right,
good idea.

Good idea. You're
right, you're right.

Hey, look !

Hey, look
what we got !

Say hello.
Hello, todd.

Hi.

Look what
you're wearing.

Your muffler
and your sweater.

That's good because guess
who paid us a visit ?

Jack frost
himself !

That's right,
let's go. Come on.

King of the snowmen.

[ Both ]
ok, here we go.

Hey, watch
your step.

Ok, slow down,
you might slip.

It's slippery there, huh ?

Look at this.

Oh, my goodness,
jack frost !

Hey, get out of here !

A winter wonderland.

Hey, look at this, todd.

Say, "merry christmas,
and here i come !"

Where're you goin' ?
Hey, mom !

What ?

[ Grunting ]

He got cold,
i guess.

Heh, dream of a lifetime.
Well, hey,

Maybe we bit off more
than we could chew.

Jeff's keepin' it going
while i'm in here.

So, you know,
we're refocusing.

So, you know, no
more terminal kids.

'Cause from now on,
we're just gonna work

With kids who
have head colds,

Uh, influenza, the pinkeye,

You know, and no more
unrealistic requests
or celebrity meetings.

From now on,

We just ask the kid,
"hey, what's something

That you wouldn't
mind doing ?"

[ Narrator ]
got you tense ?

Then try crazy devil
kiddie massage cream.

Anyone between the ages
zero and 8 will tell you,

That fun and games
are hard on muscles.

Shoulders, calves, and
all major "play points"

Can become a target
for aches and pains.

That's why kids reach
for the healing power

Of crazy devil
kiddie massage cream.

Also great for you
rattle-Weary babies.

Crazy devil penetrates
layers of cute chub

To k*ll pain where it starts.

♪ crazy devil rubs away

♪ the childhood aches
from too much play ♪

[ W just look for r ]
the crazy devil

With the googly eyes !

Hello, i'm anders la vance,
uh,

High priest of
the first church
of satan reformed,

St. Paul, minnesota.

Thank you all for coming.

The reason i've called
this press conference
is to say,

Enough ! Stop it !

Thank you.
Stop the savage

Character assassination
of satan

That takes place at
the hands of the media

And the marketplace.

Time and again,

Satan is portrayed
as a bumbling boob...

A clown, a klutz, a loser.

Satan is dolled up,

Caricatured,

And turned into
a cartoon to be laughed at.

No--

Please, please.

No other religious group
has to put up with this.

He is my co-Pilot,

And i will not stand
for it any longer.

Sorry.

Now, i'd like to
introduce my partner

In this endeavor,

Archbishop truesdale

Of the chicago catholic
archdiocese.

Tru,

You come out here.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, daniel, madeleine.
Hello, how are you ?

We are here to
say, "enough."

Satan is no joke.

Hear, hear.

Yes.

This dumbing down
of the devil's image

Has got to stop.

Absolutely.

Satan is to be feared
and despised.

Now, why would i fear
a silly character
like this ?

Why would i praise
a silly character
like this ?

Ask yourself that, huh?

Yes, it's true.
It's true.

We each have an interest
in seeing evil incarnate

Represented in
realistic terms.

Hail, satan.

Ang', i didn't
step up when you--

Well, i was supporting--

Archbishop, is
that a pentagram
you're wearing ?

Hmm ?

Oh, yes, yes.

Um, yes.

Anders gave this
to me for national
friendship day.

And tru gave
me a beautiful
ostrich skin wallet.

So, you're friends ?

Yes, yes.

Uh, i go to
anders' house for--

For barbecues and
toss-Abouts and

He comes over and
he'll housesit for me.

Oh, by the way, i'm sorry
about the mess last time.

I don't know
what possessed me.

I have a lot of
fun with that.

He's incorrigible,
this one.

Stick around, you'll
hear it-- A lot.

Look at him go.

Did someone put
a nickel in you ?

Anyway,

The point is,

We are here to say,

[ Both ]
"heaven and hell,

Together, we can do it !"

We're touring the
country in a series of
what we're calling

"Fun raisers."

It's a great way to remind
people that the battle between
good and evil continues.

All right, so if
everybody's ready

Let's get sloppy.

Ha, ha! Are you


I hope you are because
you're gonna have each
other over for dinner.

Let's go through
the menu, shall we ?

First up, the soup
du jour of the day.

Not in a cup, not in a bowl,
but in these balloons.

It's gonna
get sloppy !

And it should go great
with what you're wearing.

Next up, dodge,
parry, crust!

And old-Fashioned joust
using these loaves of bread.

How about a little salad ?

Hope you don't mind
tossing your own...

With the salad-Zooka.

It's gonna get sloppy !

Then, it's the main course,
a heapin' helpin'
of sloppaghetti.

And mama mio, let's not
forget that sauce.

Then we're gonna
move on to desserts.

Splish, splash,
you'll be takin' a bath

In this bath of
strawberry mousse.

Neither god
nor the devil

Could resist this
neat, sweet-To-Eat
dessert treat.

Are you guys ready ?

Yeah.

[ All ]
let's get sloppy !

[ Host ]
all right, go to it boys !

Whoa ! That soup is
all over the place.

Looks like one
for team pitchfork.

There they go, they are
moving on from the soup.

Oh, here comes the bread.

Oh-Oh, oh-Oh !
En garde , they say.

Mom told you not to
play with your food.

Apparently she never
saw our show.

[ Laughing ]

You're going to get
your vegetables !

Oh, boy, they are
racking up the points !

There's goes
the spaghetti.

They say it's good if
it sticks to the wall.

I don't know what's
gonna happen here.

Here--Oh !-- Sauce time !

Oh, boy ! These are a couple
of saucy wenches,
i'll tell you that much.

Well, you boys
have been very good.

Let's move on to dessert,
you ate your dinner so good.

And they're in there.
Don't stop now !

Keep goin', keep goin' !

Whoa ! Whoa !

Whoa !

[ Audience applauding ]

[ Ducks quacking ]

Well, they don't seem
to be biting much, ang'.

Hmm.

Yeah, except for
the mosquitoes.

[ Chuckling ]

You get me every
time with that one.

Yes, i do.