03x07 - Bush is a p*ssy

[bunniefuu]

"Dear david,
congrats on
your big break.

Love, bob."

[ Laughing ]

Hey man, i think
we gotta do this.

Well, i think, you're
totally overreacting.

Guys, it's not
even an argument.

This is why you have
an understudy,

For situations
just like this.

David, i can do this.
I am so ready.

I--I think
he'll be great.

The audience
is waiting.

Ok, all right.

Great.

Kedzie, david, you
guys have a great
show. I'm outta here.

You know, bob,
you really should
do your errands

Before the show.

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Narrator ]
tonight, the part
of bob odenkirk

Will be played by
kedzie matthews,

Winner of the san diego
red owl rye laff-Quest

And college comic of the year,
southwest region, 1992.

[ Audience cheering ]

[ Audience clapping ]

Hey everybody,
it's that newfangled
bob and david.

[ Audience whistling ]

Hi, everyone.

Hello.

Hey, i'm david cross.

I'm bob odenkirk.

[ Audience laughing ]

Man, we got
a great show
tonight, bob.

Oh, yeah, oh,
yeah, we sure do.

All right. I know
what you're thinking.

Hey, did steve mcgarrett
and don h* have a baby ?

[ Audience laughing ]

I know, what the hell
was i thinking ?
I don't know.

That's great, kedzie.

It's not exactly
in the script, but...

Oh !

Oh, i'm sorry
i strayed from the
precious script, master.

[ Audience laughing ]

Shall i ring the bells
as penance, master ?

Bells are weird, huh ?
Think about bells.

I mean,
alexander graham bell,

What the hell was on his
answering machine, eh ?

"To speak to the inventor,
press one now."

Hey, riff, man, riff !

All right.

Ah ! Here i go.

Hey, where'd you
get this audience ?
Look at these people.

This is like dante's inferno
meets romper room.

[ Audience laughing ]

I see weirdo, and freaky,
and nerdy and...

I don't even want to
talk to this guy.

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Cashier laughing ]

[ Cashier ]
look at that.

What the f*ck !

Move it !

You see this guy
on the beach,


[ Making whirring sound ]

$1,500, so he can find


It's true !

What's going on ?

Uh-Oh ! Intruder
in sector 7.

Danger, will robinson !

Jesus, david.
I got to the...

I go to the store
to get some eggs

And you let this guy
take over the show ?

Bob, this guy's hilarious.

[ Audience laughing ]

Who is this guy ?
The eggman ?

Pleased to meet you,
sir. I'm the walrus.

How are ya ?

[ Audience clapping ]

Quick impression:
paul mccartney sneezing...

Coo, coo, coo, cachoo !

[ All laughing ]

Mr. Show now
comes to you in...

Egg-Vision !

[ Bob ]
ok, all right,
enough.

Enough, all right ?

You know what
i wanna know ?

How come you got the cart
with the good wheel ?

I go to the store, i always
get the cart with the wheel
that wants to go over here.

Right, right !

Jesus, david !

Bob !

[ Audience cheering ]

Bob, e-Everyone
loves him !

Hey, you're fired.

[ Audience laughing ]

Hey, you know what ?
I'm fired, too.
I love this guy !

Kedzie, come
out here, man !

[ Audience whooping ]

Hey, man, listen.
Hey, go !

Free associate !
Have a stream-Of-
Consciousness ! Do it !

All right. The comedian
is being let loose
into the wild

To go habitate with
the wily audience.

It's like wild kingdom
around here,

You know
what i mean ?

This guy sucks !

None of these people
seem to think so.

I don't care, i'm
funnier than he is.

Oh, yeah ? If you're so
funny, how come you don't
have your own show ?

I did until
you fired me !

Well, i just don't
think he's so great.

He makes more money
than you do.

[ Man ]
that's right, bob.
Listen to your friend.

A person who makes more money
than you is better than you,

And therefore
beyond criticism.

This is called
the worthington law,

And it's used to gauge
the value of human worth.

Carl espick,
economist and editor
of value magazine...

Yeah, that's right.
So, what do you think ?

Ah ! Wrong !

Whatever you were gonna
say doesn't matter because
i make more money than you.

That's if you're 80 percent
of the public.
So, i'm right !

Each year, value magazine
ranks the 500 best people
in the history of the world.

Did you know that,
according to
worthington's law,

The opera singer
who called himself

"The great caruso"
was nowhere near as great

As sammy hagar,
the red rocker ?

So shut up, caruso !

Hey ! Who's better than
saint francis of assisi ?

Well, how about, uh,
darryl strawberry ?

See ya later,
saint frannie,
ya schmuck.

Hey, guess who's better
than van gogh ?

Let's see, after adjusting
for inflation...

Almost everybody.
He made nothing !

So that means that i'm
better than van gogh and
galileo put together.

And i'm better
than you, brainiac.

In 1995, steve peters
had no money.

He was a public
school teacher,

So his opinion
wasn't worth very much.

But then, in 1996,
he won the lottery,
and he was a great man.

Greater than einstein,
who made very little.

But then, guess what this
genius-For-A-Day does.

He goes and gives
his money to charity.

Now he's about
as dumb as einstein.

Way to go, einstein.

So, read value magazine,
and get to know the 500
best people in the world.

[ Announcer ]
order now, and with
a one year subscription,

You'll receive this
value magazine ranking
monkey absolutely free.

He can tell you
where you rank.

Just press his head,
and learn your
worth as a person.

Beep, beep !

You're now ranked


Beep, beep !

I'm moving up.

[ Intercom buzzing ]

Yes ?

[ Secretary ]
mr. Haversham ?

Your siamese-Twin brother
is here to see you.

You mean,
my ex-Siamese-Twin brother.

Send him in.

Ted. My man !

Hey, ned. Long
time no see.

Yeah, 6 months.

Yup.

Yup.

So, face it,
bro, heh,

This little experiment
does not seem to be
workin' out.

It's working for me !

I love being separated.

I've got my own
office, my own job,

My own apartment,
my own bed. What ?

Bro, it's our
old pants !

Oh, ned.

Ted...

Man, don't you remember
how mom used to say

That we were attached
because god never
wanted us to be apart ?

Remember, she
used to call us

"2 for one."

Forget it. There's no way
i'm getting re-Attached.

Face it, ted,
things aren't as
great, you know ?

I mean, not since we
used to work together,
and we used to--

No !

I worked. You sat on
my a*s and did nothing.

Fine.

You know, you
can cut me off,

But you can't cut
off the memories.

I'll be honest with you, ned.
I am gonna get re-Attached.

Oh, that's great !

But not to you.

To john werster
in marketing.

You b*stard !

I'm sorry !

The last thing
i wanted to do was get
re-Attached to anybody,

But we met
at the company picnic,
during the 3-Legged race,

And we're
perfect together.

[ Knocking on door ]

I'm sorry !

Ted, i...

John !

That's him,
isn't it ?

Ted, i need
to talk to you.

Uh, now's not
a good time.

It's important, ted.

Oh !

This is
keith dunlop.

Hi.

You b*stard !

What do you say, bro ?

[ Doctor ]
mr. Haversham.

Mr. Haversham !

Doctor, how did it go ?

The re-Attachment
was a success.

However, there
were complications.

I wish there were an
easy way to say this...

Your brother died.

No !

There's got to be
a better way.

[ Announcer ]
do you hate
giving bad news ?

Then why not reach for
the bad news breakers ?

Mrs. Montgomery ?

We got your
tests back, and...

What is it, doctor ?

Girls ?

[ Both ]
you'll never walk again.

Well, thank you
for telling me.

[ Mrs. Montgomery ]
they are darling.

[ Announcer ]
nobody likes to get
or give bad news,

But let's face it,
sometimes you have no choice.

[ Both ]
your wife is
cheating on you.

Aw, who wants
ice cream ?

[ Both ]
the house is surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.

Where are they ?
Where are the
little sweetie-Pies ?

Where are you ? I've
got milk and cookies.

Oh, look ! There you are !
Oh, good, you're just how i--

The bad news breakers are
perfect for any occasion.

[ Both ]
there were no survivors.

[ Cameras clicking ]

[ Both ]
ready...

Aim, fire !

Turn a frown upsey-Daisy,
with the bad news breakers.

[ Both ]
vito benvitucci
sleeps with the fishes.

Hey, ain't you two
dolls ? Run along, now.

Hey, what's
that, boss ?

Ah, they got vito.

So, alls i'm
sayin' is 24.

What about 24 ?

That's it. That's
the highest number.



That's it. Where're you
gonna go from there ?

Yeah, yeah. 24.
Forget about it.

That's vongole.
What about 18 ?

Yeah, 18. Now that's
the biggest number.

No, 24 is
the highest number.

Look, ya got 10,
then ya got 10 more,
then it's like...

What's this ? 4 more.


Yeah, but 18.

Look, look.
Count with me
here, all right ?

Ok. Ya got one, right ?
Ok, then ya got 2, right ?

Then there's 3, ok ?
Oh, then here comes 4--

Shut up ! Quit
your counting !

You're a bunch
of cajoles .

I'm trying to read the
damn racing form, here.


and that's it. Let it go.

Sorry, boss.

Yeah, sorry.

I am sorry, don corelli,
that i said 18.

I forgot about 19.

And 20.

And 21.

And 22--

Shut up, here !


That's it, all right ?

Sorry.

[ Knocking on door ]

Oh, hey, boss.
Here's them cannolis
you wanted.

It's, uh, $25.

Here you go.

Keep the change, kid.

Um, what...

What did ya
give him, boss ?

Nothin'.
It doesn't matter.

I gave him 30.



What about 30 ?

Well, it's higher than


Yeah, yeah ! 30.
Forget about it.

Hey, 30 ?
What about 31 ?

Jimmy, you stay
the hell outta this,
and stir that sauce.

I'm stirrin',
i'm stirrin'.

Well, how about 32 ?

I'm warnin' you.

I just gotta
say it, boss. 33.

Goddammit !

The next one of you fullatos
that adds a number
to another number

Is gonna hear
it from my .45.



What ?


sayin', boss.

Frankie, why you
do this to me, huh ?

I'm godfather to your
nephew, for christ's sake.

Well, you said 45.

And 46 is bigger.
It's one more.

Come here.

[ Sniffing ]

Come here.

Hey, 47 !

I'll deal wit'
you in a minute !

Listen,
who's your
papazola, eh ?

You, boss !

At your wedding,
who covered your
begenzo, huh ?

You did, boss !

Yeah. Now, i want
you to answer me

From here,
from your heart.

What's the
highest number ?

I don't know !

I'm so
confused anymore !

Danny said 47,
and i--

Danny's dead.

I'm right here, boss.

Oh, jesus !
Oh, jesus !

Boss, you shot danny !
Yeah.

He was only 49 !

Hey, 49 !

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Stammering ]

You shot danny, and
frankie, and jimmy !

Yeah, that's right.

Boss, they was
only adding numbers

To other numbers !

Boss, nobody
cares, boss !

Nobody cares !
There's a million
people out there, oh--

What did you say ?

I--There--There's...


who don't care.

You are my son.

Here.

I want you
to go out there

And i want you to make sure
that everybody knows

That 24 is the highest
number there is.

I don't wanna hear
no more arguments

About it nowhere.

Yeah, sure, boss.

Ah...

[ Whimpering ]

I am 24-Years-Old.

Science has ascertained that
there may be as many as...



To say we k*lled


Is an exaggeration.

[ Announcer ]
the answer to tonight's

"Guess the attendance"
contest is...

24.

Another sold-Out crowd.

[ Band playing ]

[ Salini ]
ah, marching band music.

Was there ever such
a glorious expression
of man's soul ?

A tempestuous siren
who called to me.

But, lo,

Did i possess the brilliance
to tame her ?

The brilliance of
a john baptiste philouza,

The impudent boy genius

Who was both my mentor

And my tormentor ?

[ Woman ]
sal ?

Salini, i think
my time is here.

No ! You hold
that baby in !

He needs all 9 months

To develop good lungs,
and--And fingers.

He will be a woodwind.

The devil it will !

Woman, you will bear
me a marching band !

I'm trying !

Bah !

All you give me
are drummers !

[ Clattering ]

[ Grunting ]

I'm going to
the general store

For a phosphate.

[ Salini ]
but bicarbonates
and creamed ice

Were merely a distraction.

I needed a melody.

For in 2 days,
hilford hanson,

The eleventy-12th
president of
the united states,

Was to hold
a marching band competition.

Suddenly the wellsprings
gushed forth !

[ Trumpeting ]

[ Hissing ]

[ Trumpeting ]

[ Both ]
philouza !

Oh, hi ! Hi,
ladies ! Hi !

[ Salini ]
but, lo,
'twas not from me.

Rather it sprang

From that amorous
rogue, philouza.

Hey, sally, what's up ?

Philouza, hello.
Hello, ladies. I--

What was that melody
you were humming
a moment ago ?

I don't know.
Nothin'.

Why ?

I...

Wrote it down in
case you wanted it.

Why would i want
that old thing
when i can have this ?

[ Making drumming sounds ]

[ Trumpeting ]

[ Salini ]
john baptiste philouza's music

Revealed a world of
unimaginable beauty.

Was this god and
the angels conversing ?

Or was it the devil ?

Or was it god and the devil

Interrupting each other ?

♪ boom, chh-Ch-Chhh ♪

♪ boom, chh-Ch-Chhh

♪ a-Boom, chh-Ch-Chhh

[ Trumpeting ]

[ Salini ]
alas, i would never
be what he was,

For i was haunted
all my life...

By mediocrity.

[ Gasping ]

Oh, hey, salini.

Hey, i decided
to apply myself.

I entered that
"president's marching
band song" thing.

What are you
made of, philouza ?

[ Woman ]
philouza !

Philouza !

Not tonight, rebecca,
for i have work to do !

Oh, come now, philouza.

The lady wants
to see you.

She wants to
see everybody.

Oh, but, how
can you resist

Those fine wrists ?

That bit of neck

That is sort
of showing ?

And those delectably
thick pantaloons

That are just under
her underskirt ?

Philouza !

Yeah.

Have you a penny ?

Well...

Here's a nickel.

Take the whole night.

And have some of
that new-Fashioned
peanut brickle,

On me !

[ Clattering ]

Hmm.

[ Band playing ]

[ All clapping ]

Well, mr. Salini, that
was fine. Just fine.

Uh, what do you
call it, again ?

It is called "messiah's
passion fanfare no. 4

For tubas and flutes."

Ah, yes.

Well, now i look forward

To hearing
mr. Philouza's march,

If he should
ever show himself.

Well, i'm afraid if
we wait any longer,

The century will have
finished turning !

Oh, there's philouza !

[ All murmuring ]

I'm sorry i'm late,
president hanson.

Much apologies, sir.

A little too much
sarsaparilla ?

[ All laughing ]

Oh, this will never work.

These are all out of order !

What's wrong,
philouza ?

A few too many of
mr. Graham's crackers ?

[ Coughing ]

[ Laughing ]

Well, philouza ?
Come on !

Oh ! It--

[ Sputtering ]

[ Trumpeting ]

[ Band playing ]

[ All clapping ]

Bravo ! Bravo !

I just threw it together !

Philouza,

That was magnificent.

You truly are the winner.

Mr. Salini,

I believe that i'm
the eleventy-12th
president, here.

Mr. Philouza's march

Was inspired
and brilliant.

Too brilliant.

You see,
brilliance upsets people.

It makes them feel inferior.

Better that
they should make do

With mr. Salini's
blustery hooplah.

The prize is yours.

[ All clapping ]

[ People whistling ]

[ Salini ]
my dream had come true,

But at the cost of knowing
that i was mediocre.

And while
future generations

Might discover
philouza's brilliance

And weep at its beauty,

I had a specialist
remove my tear ducts,

So that
i would never again.

[ Band music playing ]

[ Audience clapping ]

So you see, fellas,
what happens

When you choose
mediocrity

Over originality.

So, that's why kedzie
became so popular, huh ?

What ? 'Cause
he's mediocre ?

Yeah.

No, no, no !

It's because
he's hilarious !

Ha-Ha !
I love this guy !

He's like bram stoker's
lincoln, right ?

Ingmar bergman
meets beetlejuice !

[ Audience laughing ]

Hey, you know
what pisses me off ?

You know what
pisses me off ?

Directions on cans of soup.

Do we really need this ?

"Empty contents
into saucepan."

No sh*t ? I was just
gonna open the can

And pour it right
down my throat.

[ Audience laughing ]

Don't you think star wars
would've been better

If popeye the sailor
was in it ?

Wouldn't that have
been a better movie ?

"Alls ya gots ta do
is use the force !"

[ Cackling ]

Come on !

Why didn't george lucas
put popeye in that movie ?

What if obi-Wan kenobi
was a jewish guy ?

"Use the foreskin, luke.
Use the foreskin."

I don't know.

Why do women take
so long to get ready ?

[ Audience laughing ]

What the hell is this ?

My wife can be
in the bathroom
for 3 hours.

She comes out,
she looks the same
as when she went in.

Let's talk about
you, now.

Tell me whatever
is on your mind.

Cat's are weird. Where
are the cat owners ?

Who are you
talking to, kedzie ?

Get off of the couch,
ok ? You're shedding.

Hey, how about bob vila ?
You ever seen this guy?

This old house.
How about the real
world, all right ?

This week,
mrs. Vila gets half
of this old house

In this old
divorce, come on.

Who are these people ?