02x05 - Operation Hell on Earth

[bunniefuu]

people of the
world, unite !
it's bob and david !

[ Audience applauding ]

Thank you very much !

Thank you !

We have a great show
For you tonight.

Uh, but first
We have a special
Guest with us.

Yeah, that's right--
Our daughter.

Come out here,
Superstar !

Come on !

Daddy !

Daddy !

Aww.

[ Audience applauding ]

Isn't she
Great, folks ?

Hey, kids are our
Future. I just made
That up, just now.

Yeah, we're gonna
Raise her right.

Yeah, with lots of
Love and listening.

Hey, show them how
You tap, superstar.

Tap your way
Into their hearts.

Oh, look at
Her go !

Yeah !

[ Audience applauding ]

Oh, she is going
To be so, so
Well-adjusted.

I know i won't
Make the same
Mistake with her

That my mom
Made for me--

You know, makin'
Me fight for
Attention and all.

Hey, david. You
Want a flashback
About that ?

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Harp glissando playing ]

Hey, little davie !
Look at you ! Ha !

Ain't ya the
Cat's pajamas ?
Look at him go !

Yoo-hoo ! There's
Someone up here,
Too, you know.

Oh, honey--
Oh, look,
He's droolin'.

Oh, drooly,
Drooly, drooly !

So--so what ?

I can drool
Better than the
Dumb baby !

[ Audience laughing ]

Oh, come on,
Honey !

That's no way for
A dame to act !

Piss on it !

Heh-heh, sweetheart,
Language !

This family sucks !

Heh-heh, honey,
It's the '20s.

[ Audience laughing ]

Suck my d*ck !

Annie !

[ Baby crying ]

Sugar plum ! Baby drawers !
Edsel woman !

Ahh.

So you can see, bob,
It's pretty clear why
I came out the way i am.

Yeah.
Knees up !

[ Audience applauding ]

So, bob, what's
Your excuse ?

Well, i, too, was driven
Into this business
By my parents,

But for different
Reasons, david--

Financial ones.

[ Harp playing ]

Hey, little bobby,
Time for bed.

I'm not tired !

Oh, i bet you fall
Asleep by midnight !

I don't wanna
Bet anymore !

C'mon honey,
It'll give you a
Chance to break even.

C'mon, pal. How
Much you bet me ?

$5 zillion !

$5 zillion,
You're on !

C'mon, midnight !

Hello, sweet 12 !
C'mon boxcars !

Give it to me,
Snoozy ! Give me
Some "z"s !

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Harp playing ]

Yowza ! This
Isn't your game !


Down, my friend !

[ Both ]
Da win ! Ha ha !

You now owe me
And your mother

$50 million octillion
Gazillion !

We're rich !

[ Both laughing maniacally ]

[ Harp playing ]

And, uh, well, david,
That's my story.

I ended up owing my
Parents so much money,

That the only way
I could pay them back

Was to get a
High-paying job in
Show business...

Which i'm still
Looking forward to.

Hey, when did you
Grow that moustache ?

A few weeks ago,
I started, yeah.

But, superstar,
You're never gonna
Have those problems !

As long as you
Keep tapping !

Tap !
Tap !

C'mon, i wanna
See sparks fly !

Tap ! Go, go, go, go !
Let's go !

Knees up !
Put a hole in that stage !

Let's go !
Tap, tap, tap !

[ Harp playing ]

And that's my flashback.

That's why i'm so
Screwed up, 'cause
Of my 2 dads--

Bob odenkirk
And david cross !
d*ck lickers !

Superstar,
Let's go !

All right,
b*tch, shut up,
Ya f*ck' as*h*le !

Oh, what precious
Little darlings !

How old
Are they ?

This one's 24 months,
And this one's 8 months.

How old
Are yours ?

This one's 1056
Months, and this
One's 1072 months.

[ Groaning ]

Shut up !

Tap !
Tap away !

Shut up !

They're the reason
I'm like this,

Because i was
Deprived shitless !

I'll tap on your brain,
You son of a b*tch !

My parents were very
Thoughtful and warm

And stable, and
That's why i grew up

To be an accountant.

I want better for her.

We're teaching
Mr. Weathers to

Deprive his daughter
Of just the right things.

That way, his
Daughter can grow up
To be a doctor,

An astronaut,
Even president of
The united states.

[ Audience laughing ]

We're depriving our son
Of attention for those
First few months,

And then we will
Be unfairly
Rewarding him.

And i'm mothering
Him too much.

This will confuse
His sexuality.

You're going to
Become a famous
Southern playwright,

Aren't you, boy ?
Aren't you, cole ?
Aren't you ?

I was raised
In a log cabin,

And my family moved
Frequently, plus...

My father touched
My butt hole.

That's why i'm
On your penny.

My father touched
My butt hole.

This made me thirst
For knowledge.

Hey !

[ Audience laughing ]

My father touched
My butt hole.

[ Giggling ]

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Announcer ]
berlin, 1938...

hitler reveals
to a stunned nation

no one had ever
touched his butt hole.

[ Audience laughing ]

If we work
Together, people,

We can return america
To her god-given glory.

America first !

[ All ]
America first.

Ok...

[ Audience laughing ]

Here's what--
This is what america
Is gonna look like

After the mandatory
Relocation is enforced.

New york city will
Become known as

"Little israel."

I figure all the jews
Will love that.

Is that ok,
Ms. Shapiro ?

That's fine, ken.

Ok, now, down here
Is gonna be your
"New africa."

See, your coloreds
Keep to that.

Uh, ken,

I don't see
Virginia there.

Oh, well, chris,
That was going to be
Part of "h*m*,"

Which is over--

See, them h*m*
Get to sodomizin'--

Yeah, i'd kinda like
To be by the beach.

Well, ok. I guess,
I guess the coloreds
Can have virginia, too.

We'll annex that--

Ah, ken, ken, ken.

[ Audience laughing ]

Where's
h*m* now ?

Well, josey,
I was gonna give it--
Oh, i guess we could--

How 'bout mississippi ?
That's good.

Ken, you had promised
The west coast ?

Well, yeah, but i'm
Gonna need that
For "new new delhi,"

For them damn
Indians.

Where will
You go, ken ?

Well, hell if i know,
Rejit. I mean,

You know, i was
Going to be over here,

But the g*y's got it,
So i guess i'll annex
This, move this over,

And make--
I'll be here, with the
Rest of the white race

In "new america" !

Will you
Keep in touch ?

Of course
I will, rejit.

You've been a dear
Friend, and i'll
Miss you terribly.

All of you, ok ?

Let's all promise
To call and
Write often !

And use the
Internet for once !
E-mail !

I'll get a web-page
Site going.

Ok, but let's
Stay focused,
People.

Ok, now our next act
Will be called
"Operation hell on earth."

This is it, people,
The time has come.

The cleansing rain
Is nigh at hand !

The cleansing rain !

Ok, um, now,

"Operation hell
On earth" will
Consist of placing

A 300 pound
Homemade b*mb in
A rented van

And explode it at
An undisclosed
Location.

Now, ms. Shapiro,
You've got the
expl*sive plastiques.

Oh, i'm sorry, ken,
I didn't have
Time this week,

I was preparing for
The yeshiva festival.

Oh, i
Understand. Ok.

I can't believe this !
Ken has time for you !

That's ok, rejit.

No ! I seem to remember
2 weeks ago, when your
Car broke down,

Ken drove you
Around for a week
Like a chauffer.

I'm sorry, i was
Knitting the chupahs.

I don't care !
Listen, everybody,

This is ken's one thing,
"Operation hell on earth,"
The victory of the white race.

You know ? Let's
Make it happen !

Ok, thanks, rejit.

I'll pick up
The expl*sives, ok.

Uh, now, john, you
Rented the van--

Uh, i didn't
Get around to it.

I don't
Believe this !

Ken gets around
To helping you
Every 2 minutes

When your basement
Floods with that damned
Sump pump of yours !

You know ? You have
Time for calling ken,

But you don't have time
For calling to lend
The stupid van !

Well, soon, rejit.

Soon ? Soon,
You're a balloon !

[ Audience laughing ]

All right, rejit.

Hey, ken, i had an idea
On the van thing.

Well, it's about
The b*mb, actually,

Because that
Will wreck the
Van, right ?

So let's do this--
Let's get a recording

Of a loud boom,
Play that over
Some speakers,

And then
Scatter debris.

Then it's like an
expl*si*n,
But the van's ok.

I like that.

Hey, suggestion--
Make the debris biodegradable
For the environment's sake.

Yeah, but--

Also, let's make sure
That it's after 8:00,

So that none
Of our supper's
Are disturbed.

Right, and could
We keep the
Speakers low ?

Ok, y'all--

You know, maybe
It shouldn't be
A boom at all.

Maybe it should
Be a song--

you really dropped
a b*mb on me
By the gap band, or--

Oh, right !
Just a suggestion !

Or something
By billy ocean.

[ Snapping fingers ]

* Caribbean queen *

[ All chattering ]

Ok, fine.

We'll play
caribbean queen

At 8:00 from
A rented van.

Oh, um, 8:15.
We eat late.

Ok, 8:15.

Well, there's
"Operation hell on earth."

Whatever.

Yeah.

We did good.

Oh, what's
Wrong, ken ?

Oh, i just wanted
An expl*si*n
Is all, rejit.

Oh, i'm a failure !
This ain't a proper
Hate group.

Y'all don't
Hate nobody.

Yes, we do !

We hate !
We hate !

No, rejit,
No, you don't.

See, you got to
Be taught to hate,
It don't come natural.

You know, i mean...

I may be a good hater...

But i sure am
A lousy teacher.

[ Audience laughing ]

In fact, the only thing
I really hate right now...

Is me.

[ Audience laughing ]

Ken, no,
Come back ! Ken !

I guess
That's it then.

Ok, so now let's talk
About the chocolate
Sale and fun fair.

No, we're not going
To talk about
The chocolate sale

And fun fair !

We are going to
Go through
With this.

That man is
The greatest man
I have ever known !

We are going to go
Through with "operation
Hell on earth" for ken !

For ken !

[ Billy ocean ]
* caribbean queen

* now we're sharin'
the same dream *

* and our hearts
can beat as one *

[ Audience laughing ]

* no more love
on the run *

* caribbean queen

* now we're sharin'
the same dream *

[ Announcer ]
the world held hostage--
day one.

one has to wonder how much
of this we can all take.

Once again, it seems
As if the inmates

Have taken over
The asylum. Glen...

Terry and rod...

Bill, superstar...

Burton...

Famous mortimer,
I.P. Freely...

Bo-bo, sleepy...

Charlene,
Freddy...

Tex-mex...

Deltoid, from
The planet
Homunculus...

The american dream...

Heywood yablowme.

You're probably
Wondering why i called
You all here today.

Your mother and i
Are getting a divorce.

I...

I know, it's tough.
It's tough
On all of us.

There's no reason
For people to stay
Together when...

[ Sighing ]

Maybe i could've been
More of a companion to
Your mother, and maybe...

Been there more
For her, but...

That's all water
Under the bridge now.

But such is our world.
When we return,

The president testifies
Before a senate
Subcommittee,

And i found my keys.

With more on how
I found my keys,
Here's channel 7's

Brick sprickly. Brick ?

This is brick sprickly
For lucky 7 news.

number 7 in the community
for over 7 years.

Boy, that divorce
Is gonna screw them
Kids up somethin' awful.

That's too bad.

You know, you gotta
Put the kids first.

That's my moral
In this job--
Kids first.

Andre, stay in school.

All right.

You get to know the boys,
And that's good.

Yeah, you know.
I tell ya.

It's a good feelin'.

Some of these kids,
I'm like a surrogate
Father to 'em.

Others, i'm more
Like an aunt.


Recognized as
A great-aunt.

You know, and that's
A good feeling.

[ Whistle blowing ]

* recruiters

[ funky music playing]

* recruiters *

[ Carter ]
there's one kid in particular
i've had my eye on.

young will hawkins.

he's 5 years old.

[ Audience laughing ]

i guess ty
has the same idea.

Well, ok, you know,
I don't have the money

That a
Carter blanchard's got.

I'm not with lafonte,
I'm not with loyola.

I'm with indiana basin
Silt college.

We have 2 buildings,

And we play outdoors.

But we mean well.

You're nba
Material. You are.

You got it
Goin' there.

I'm tellin' ya.
You got a future.

You decide what
Your route's
Gonna be.

Come to indiana,
Or you freeze your
Butt off in, uh, chicago.

Oh, yeah, 'cause--
'Cause indiana's hot
All year round.

[ Ty ]
yeah, i guess we're both
tryin' to sign will, you know.

That's what's
So great about

Indiana basin
Silt college,
All right ?

Because we got
Majors in
Everything.

Well, have you
Declared a major
Yet, will ?

What you wanna
Be when you
Grow up, son ?

A fireman.

Fireman ! Bingo !
Well, we've got a
Great 2-year degree

To become a fireman
Or a policeman,

Or you could
Become an astronaut

Or a cowboy.
We've got a 2-year
Cowboy degree.

I understand you're
Talking to somebody
Tomorrow.

Yeah.

Who are you
Talking to ?

You talking to
The guy from lafonte ?

[ Father ]
That's right.

Is it carter ?
Carter blanchard,
He's a fast talker.

You gotta watch
Where he's coming from,

He's a magician.

You know, he says one thing
And his hands are over here,

Watch his hands.

Here i come,
And i'm bearin' gifts.

I brought along some
Tokens of gratitude,

To show you guys
My gratitude.

What we got here ?
For mom, some slippers.
Lafonte slippers.

You wear those
On your feet and
Around the apartment.

And, dad, what
Have we got for you ?
It looks like

A lafonte university
Vest. I feel
Like santa claus.

And for little
Will, i got
The little man

The little
Lafonte ball.

And, uh, for
The family, homemade
Potato soup, ok ?

Mom, this is about
What's best
For will, ok ?

Now, i know you're
Gonna be seein' other
People from other schools.

The man from
Indiana basin...

Silt.
Silt. He was here.

Oh, mr. Keenan.

Yeah, good man.
Good man, mr. Keenan.

Small school,
No accreditation,
But a good man.

See, mom, lafonte sees
Will as more than
A basketball player.

Because we think
That will's got
The potential

To not only be a
Professional basketball
Player, but also,

President of
The united states
And a movie star.

Hey, you hear that ?
A movie star !

And a reverend,
Too, possibly.

Don't quote me
On that one,
'Cause i don't...

[ Audience laughing ]

Right, yep,
Right there.

Yep, and that'll hold
Will for 14 years.

You don't... Ok.

And, will,
If i can get you
To sign that for me.

Declare your intent
Right there.

Right where poppa
Put his old "john henry."
There you go.

Will, congratulations,
You're a blue deacon.

Now, how about
We all enjoy...

Some soup.

[ Grunting ]
Ha, ha !

Whoo !

That's
Potato soup.

i made it personally.

i've got to get
the jump on the
big schools, you know.

so i'm chasing
younger and younger kids.

it's kind of hard, you know.

You leanin' towards
Indiana basin ?

And, the, uh,
The full program,
We're a...

Full 2-year
Program still, uh...

All the things we
Were talking about--

Suckers and toys,
And, uh, and all that
I promised to you.

Well, ok,
He's obviously--
He's going to cry now.

And i pushed him.
And, you know, i've
Been here 3 times.

And i thought, you know,
You might be ready
To make a choice.

But, uh, well,
He's got a
Thoughtful look.

He's got the
Gemini t-shirt.

He's all tired.

Hey, you got
The shirt. And,
Uh, that's all...

I've said all
I can say.

And i thank you.
All right, i'm
Gonna cry, too.

Goodbye, ok.

[ Ty ]
i like bein' the underdog,
but it's hard.

I'm just checking
Your baby's ankles.

Seein' if he's got
A good kick, you know ?

Kick for what ?

Oh, basketball.
If he's got a
Hook or a jump.

Basketball ?

Can i just feel ?

No.

Geez, ty, what was
The name of that kid,

One kid from
East detroit,

Got in that pickup
Game, had that
Stop-and-pop shot.

You know, the
Kid with...

What's wrong ?

Ty ? What are
You doin' ?
What's wrong ?

I've been...
I've been thinking
About quitting.

What ? What are
You doin-- what are
You talking for ?

I can't do
It anymore.

What are you
Talking about ?
Come on.

I don't want them
To see this.

W-well don't cry.
Take some crackers.

I'm just going
To get out of
Here, and, uh...

This is a rotten,
Rotten deal.

I'm thinking about
Running away

From my
Grandma's house.

Ty, come on, ty.
I'm sick of living there.

I'll just take a bag,
A sleeping bag,

And i'll just run
As far as i can,

And i'll find food
Wherever i can.

I don't like you
Talking like this.

Come on, this
Is craziness.

I'm out. I'm out.
I'll pay my bill later.

I'll take care of it.
I'll send you money by mail.

No, don't send me... No--
Where are you going, ty ?

Look at that, see ?
That's what this job does.

Look at him ! Look
At this, would you ?

[ Audience laughing ]

All right, listen to this.

"Dear will hawkins,

"We regret to inform you
That you are being dropped

"From the
Athletic program.

"You're family is invited
To in--keep--am--my...

"Or any and all
Complimentary gifts awarded
While in the program.

"However, a representative
Will be stopping by

"To pick up
The potato soup.

"Sincerely, carter blanchard,
Athletic representative."

See that ? See that ?

See, that's because you
Was a ball hog, see ?

Shootin' the
Ball too much.

You're a point guard,
You're supposed
To distribute.

It's your fault,
And you're just
Sittin' around

Eatin' chocolate
And gettin' fat...

Conditioning.

[ Audience laughing ]

Could've been something.

[ Harp playing ]

"could've been something."

"Could've been something."

And there's my story.

My father never
Forgave me for
Blowing that deal,

But my love of chocolate
And basketball flourished.

And i stand before
You today, the president

Of the world's largest
Producer of little
Chocolate basketballs.

[ Audience applauding ]

So f*ck you, dad.

You negative prick !
I blame you for
My success !

All right, give
It up for will.

Good blame, will.

Good blame !

All right, it's hour 56
Of the blame-a-thon,

And we're not
Stopping till we have
One million blames.

Remember, our phone
Operators are standing by

With their thumbs
Up their asses,
Waiting for you to call.

So call.

All right, we're gonna
Break up this begging
With a little entertainment.

We're f*ck' lucky
To have this next act,
'Cause he's good.

He just finished
A 40-week tour, opening
For ray f*cking stevens !

Give it up for
Fartin' gary !

[ Audience applauding ]

Hey, everybody,
I'm fartin' gary !

And it's great
To be here at this year's
Blame-a-thon.

Um, you know, folks,
I can do all kinds of farts.

I can do little
Granny farts.

[ Quiet farting ]

Or great big, beer drinkin',
Truck driver farts.

[ Loud farting ]

I can fart
Like a turtle.

[ Farting ]

Or i can fart
Like an astronaut !

[ Broken farting ]

Say, do you folks
Like impressions ?

Wh--

Ok, here's john wayne
At a party where
He was honored

After receiving
His "best actor" oscar
For rooster cogburn.

[ Airy farting ]

[ Audience laughing ]

Oh, look, at
The same party,

It's america's eternal
Teenager, d*ck clark !
Hey, d*ck !

[ Long farting ]

So that's your secret.

[ Audience laughing ]

Ok, let's go say hello
To some of the folks here

At the blame-a-thon.

Hi, sir.
What's your name ?

Ben kather.

Ben kather,
Don't you mean...

[ Farting ]

[ Audience laughing ]

Hi, ma'am, and what
Do you do for a living ?

I go to school.

You go to school ?
Don't you mean
You go to...

[ Farting ]

...School ?

[ Laughing ]

Hi, sir. Where
Are you from ?

L.A.
Ha-ha, you mean more like...

[ Farting ]

[ Audience laughing ]

All right.

Ok, folks, we've
Had a lot of fun,

But now i'd like
To get a little serious
If i could.

You know, there's a lot
Of kids out there
Who are hurting.

And this next
Story is called
"Give peace a chance."

One day, i went to
The united nations
Building.

[ Farting ]

And when i was there,
I opened up a special door.

[ Farting ]

And, folks,
Would you believe it ?
There before me

Stood a delegate
From every country
In the whole planet.

It was amazing.
It sounded just like this !

[ Loud farting ]

[ Audience laughing ]

Uh, that wasn't me.

[ Loud farting ]

Ma'am, ma'am, please.
What are you doing here ?

I'm trying to do
Something here.

Oh, sir, i'm sorry,
That was me.

[ Farting ]
I'm sorry,
You're wonderful.

Isn't he
Wonderful, folks ?

[ Audience applauding ]

He's so funny.

Carry on, carry on.

Ok, i went to
The u.N. Building,
And the door--

[ Farting ]

Sir, please !
I have a wife and
Family to feed.

I'm sorry, i had
Chinese for dinner. Oh !

This is how--

[ Farting ]
Oh, god !

[ Farting ]
Oh.

Oh, i'm sorry, come back.
I'm all done !

[ Quiet farting ]

* if at first
you don't succeed *

* don't despair
'cause all you need *

* is a 2nd wind
and it's blowing in *

* with a 2nd chance
for love *

[ Farting ]

...In 1812.
I hope that helps you with
Your book report, carlisle.

Thanks, rudy.

[ Audience applauding ]

Rudy, you've
Gotta help me.

What is it,
Vaughanese ?

Well, my husband and i
Got a 3-bean casserole
From his boss's wife,

And we threw
It away.

But they think we
Ate it this afternoon,

And they're coming
Over any minute now.
Can you help us ?

Well, what
Can i do ?

You can do an
Impression of my
Husband farting.

I'll try.

[ Farting ]

So, todd, you know
We're considering you

For this big
Promotion, right ?

Yes, sir.

Well...

What did you
Think of my wife's
Casserole ?

Uh, it was good.

Really ?

I don't hear
You farting.

[ Audience laughing ]

What kind of
Casserole was it ?

3-bean.

[ Loud farting ]

[ All laughing ]

[ Farting ]

[ Laughing ]

Come on,
Stop talking--

Oh, superstar,
Stop watching
That crap !

But the funny man
Was farting.

[ Sighing ]

You know, that
Kind of garbage

Is what's ruining
The youth of america.

Honey, you should
Be watching our show.

Daddies, we don't
Get cable.

You know, i
Think somebody's
Been spoiled.

I think somebody needs
To tap until she learns
Not to talk back

To daddy in
Front of daddy.

Now, tap !

You tap stage,
m*therf*ckers !

Older superstar !

What the hell ?

Come here,
Little me !

I think it's time
For daddies to tap.

Start tapping !

[ Laser firing ]

Now, start
The music !

Don't stop !

Bring the cast
Out here !

Get them out here !

What should
They do ?

Start tapping !

Tap !

Tap !

Tap, dave !

Tap !

Tap !

[ Older superstar ]
Tap, cindy !

Tap, martha !

[ Laser firing ]

[ Laughing ]

Tap !