01x12 - Today, I Am a Woman

[bunniefuu]

(distant car horn honking)

(theme music playing)

MOON GIRL:
♪ Ooh, my feet touch
the ground ♪

♪ Here I am world
Hear that trumpet sound? ♪

♪ Yeah, I have arrived ♪

♪ And me and my girls
Bout to dip and slide ♪

♪ Swerve better make way
Skurt-skurt ♪

♪ I've got rules to break
Working non stop ♪

♪ Now it's time to drop ♪

♪ Ooh, honey boom
Cute, smart, and clever ♪

SINGER: ♪ If you didn't know it
Now-now you know ♪

♪ Moon Girl Magic ♪

MOON GIRL:
♪ Yeah, I'm magic ♪

SINGER:
♪ Thought you knew? ♪

MOON GIRL:
♪ Thought you knew, baby? ♪

♪ Genius, inspiration
overflow ♪

♪ Moon Girl Magic ♪

MOON GIRL:
♪ Moon Girl Magic ♪

SINGER:
♪ Thought you knew? ♪

MOON GIRL:
♪ Thought you knew, baby! ♪

RUDY: Ha ha!

Rockin' Rudy!

Comin through!
Hoo-hoo-hoo!

(snorts)

Rockin' Rudy,
you better pump those brakes!

Ha ha ha!

(growls)

Oh, oh, we're playing chicken?

Well, joke's on you,
'cause I am a duck!

Ha ha!

You will never catch me,

I'm the craziest cat
in Canarsie!

♪ Rockin' Rudy
is rollin' out! ♪

- Ugh! He's vapor.
- (grunts)

We'll nab him next time.

(squeals)

Oh, I've got Shabbat Dinner

with Casey's dads
in three minutes!

- (grunts)
- Of course, I'll save you
some challah!

(grunts)

(hip-hp music playing)

- Thanks for the ride, D!
- (grunts)

(elevator dings)

(elevator dings)

Shabbat Shalom!

ANTONIO: Let's eat!

Dig in, bubelehs!

Mmm! What is this dish called?

Asopao de Brisket.

Puerto Rican-Jewish fusion.

- It's me as a dish!
- (giggles)

Speaking of you,

are you so excited
for your Bat Mitzvah--

i.e. the religious
coming-of-age ceremony

for 13-year-old Jewish girls?

I did my homework.

You're exactly right, Lu.

And lemme tell you:

our Casey-face is doing
a fantastic job

learning the Hebrew
she has to sing
for the ceremony.

- I'm kvelling.
- (exclaims in Spanish)

All those years
of Karaoke training

are payin' off, right, mija?

ISAAC: Oy, don't tell me
you're looking at...

...pictures of the Triplets'
b'not mitzvah?

Again?

Wait, who are The Triplets?

(all groan)

My rich, smug,
carbon-copy cousins.

Lara, Laura, and Laurel.

They had their
Bat Mitzvah last month.

Made-to-order gelato,
prototype VR games,

kangaroo petting zoo,

alucinante swag bags...

And worst of all,
my social-media idol ,

Odessa Drake, posted that
she heard the party was, quote,

"off the gold chain!"

Odessa's the most
influential influencer

who's ever influenced!

If she types one word
about your party,

i-t's a smash hit.
- (Lunella sighs)

Casey, Casey, Casey.
Girl, what are you
worried about?

You could throw
the party of the year

with three dollars
and a jar of pickles.

Actually, she already did.
Her sixth birthday.

It was featured in
the style section.

Thanks, Lu,
but this will be less of a party

and more
of a private bagel reception.

Who doesn't love bagels?

And if I know you,
you got this on lox.

(nervous chuckle)

You know what
this moment calls for?

Claro que si.
The wedding photo.

Aww! So beautiful!

ISAAC: It was just us,
our inner circle,

and an impromptu take-over

of the Sheep's Meadow
in Central Park.

ANTONIO:
It was simple, sure,

but when we looked around
at all those faces...

ISAAC:
The faces of our chosen family,

ANTONIO: We realized we had
everything we needed.

Because we got to share that
day with the people we love.

(both) It was perfect.

Thanks, Dads.
I really needed that.

And who knows, maybe
the Triplets won't even come!

The Triplets are coming.

Well good!
'Cause this chocolate fountain

is gonna knock their
cashmere socks off

at your bagel reception!

(gasps, grunts)

Ahh!

- (squelching)
- Oh, jeez.

I may have juiced up
the impeller too much.

- (groans)
- Hey, you okay?

It's not that I want
a highly-publicized
star-studded red carpet event

that goes down as the best
Bat Mitzvah in Jewish history,

it's just that ...

...yes I do! It's my dream.

Is that terrible?
Am I the worst?

Oh, no, no, you're the best.

And if that's what you want,
then that's what you'll get.

What's that, Casey?

Oh! You said there are gonna be celebrities
at your bat mitzvah?!

No way!

Wha-- Yes...?

- What are you talking about?
- I got you, Case!

That's amazing!

I can't believe Moon Girl
and Devil Dinosaur are coming!

And that everyone
in this room is invited!

(cheering)

(upbeat music playing)

(both exclaim)

(chomps, munches)

- (whimpers)
- Nah, too fluffy?

Okay, let's try the ba*ls
from 2nd Avenue.

♪ Bar'chu et Adonai
Ham'vorach... ♪

(phone chimes)

Ugh, it's probably
my dad reminding me

to write my Bat Mitzvah speech.

Great-Matzoh-ba*ls-of-Fire!

Whoa! What is it, girl?

(gasps) Odessa just DM'd me!

She heard about
Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur

- and she wants to come!
- (squeals) That's huge!

(laughs) I can't wait to see
the look on the triplets' faces.

Odessa only posted
about their party

but she's gonna be at mine!

Oh, this never would have
happened without Moon Girl, Lu!

I gotchu, Case!

As long as I still get to come

to the ceremony as me,
and not Moon Girl.

You couldn't pay me
to miss that!

Uh, duh!

- This is gonna be épico!
- (Lunella exclaims)

(upbeat music playing)

Ahh! A Bat Mitzvah morning.

The sun is shining.
New York is alive.

- (tires squeal)
- (cars honk)

Ah, like music, baby. Gershwin.

Ah, Shabbat Shalom, Rabbi
Ryda!

And a million thanks for letting
Casey do this...

not entirely traditional
bat mitzvah red carpet.

As long as you're
in the sanctuary at call time,

I don't care
what you do out here.

Plus, I like Moon Girl.

She's a real supermensch.
(gasps) Speaking of...

Give it up for
the Woman of the Hour...

(sing-song) Casey!

♪ 'Cause, I got pretty,
Pretty girl swag on ♪

♪ Hand done nails
Gonna make it last long ♪

♪ Bad attitude
But I make it fashion ♪

♪ Pretty, pretty girl swag on ♪

♪ Pretty, pretty girl swag on ♪

♪ Hand done nails
Gonna make it last long ♪

♪ Bad attitude
But I make it fashion ♪

♪ Pretty girl swag on ♪

♪ Swag ♪

What an entrance, mijita.

She got that from me.

- Oh, so must be Casey's dads!
- Moon Girl!

Color me starstruck!

Casey's really come alive
since you started
working together.

(chuckles)
Our collab was beshert.

And she speaks Yiddish!

This one's a keeper!

Love the red!

- You match my shoes.
- (Devil Dinosaur grunts)

(tires squeal)

(dramatic music)

The triplets are coming.
The triplets are coming!

- (panting)
- Hey, hey.
Deep breaths, you got this.

I can't wait till they see...

(hip hop beat)

Odessa!

(cheering)

♪ 'Cause we have the throne
Bring it! ♪

(gasps) Odessa,
it is such an honor!

Casey!

Major gratitude for having me,
this is gonna be sick!

And girl, that dress...
(grunts)

Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur!

(grunts)

Hey everyone, Odessa here at
Casey Goldberg-Calderon's
epic Bat Mitzvah

with my favorite superheroes,
M-G and Big D in the house!

Now do me a super sweet solid
and click like and subscribe!

- (sighs) I can't feel my face.
- (giggles)

So M-G-- can I call you M-G?

I'm just gonna do it!

Did you bring your
Bubble Blaster?

I am obsessed
with the Bubble Blaster.

(chuckles) Are electrons
subatomic particles?

Um... yeah, they are.

I, I keep all my gadgets
in my pack.

It would be absolutely iconic

if you did, like,
a demonstration for the crowd.

Oh, but it's your party, Casey.
Totally up to you.

That would be iconic!

But it's up to M-G.

Casey, you know I got you!

Make some noise
for the Bat Mitzvah Girl!

- Dang.
- Impressive.

Whoa.

(gasps) My phone is blowing up!

People are saying
this is the coolest event
of the year!

It's a good feeling, right?

Every day is Christmas
when you're famous.

- Hanukkah.
- Uh-huh. Sure.

♪ Yo, no time like today
Let's get it ♪

♪ My best can't stop me
Winning ♪

♪ On the way to the top
No limit ♪

♪ No time like today
Let's get it ♪

-♪ Let's get it ♪
-♪ Yo ♪

♪ No time like today
Let's get it ♪

♪ My best can't stop me
Winning ♪

♪ On the way to the top
No limit ♪

(cheering)

You liking this,
Goldberg-Calderon?

Case?

Coming at you live
from Temple...

I'm Casey, and you're lucky

that you get to witness
the coolest Bat Mitzvah bash

in N-Y-C history!

- (squeals)
- MOON GIRL: Yo, Case!

Yo! Let us try
the Glitter-Slinger!

Dude, leave her alone.
That thing is not a toy.

Oh, come on, M-G!

Do the poor boy
a super sweet solid!

Yeah! Please?!

I-- (sighs) I don't know.

Go for it, champ.

- Gotcha!
- Hey!

(groans) This is gonna be
everywhere forever!

So, the Triplets
are pinching themselves,

Odessa's got your
fame game covered...

Legendary party status achieved,
(chuckles)

dream fulfilled, right?

Earth to Casey?

That glitter shot blew up faster

than your chocolate fountain!

Heh. Yeah, so, whaddya say

we wrap this thing up
and I can go change?

Casey! Family photo
before we go inside.

Wait, where's Lunella?

Ah, perfect timing.

I'll do a quick change
in the photo booth

and get into my dress,
okay, Case?

Commence phase two.

Casey, let's grab
a pic of your fam for my feed!

I can't believe this!

A bucket list moment.

Okay, um, uh, Moon Girl,

can you take a picture of her
taking a picture of us?!

Oh, uh...

(sad music playing)

Okay, people, love the energy,

but we have some Torah to read,
so let's save the schmoozing

for the bagel reception,
all right?

Wasn't that incredible?!

Case... you know, I think
it's time for me to tap out.

Oh, just five more minutes.

Thanks to you,
this party is, like, next level.

You're not listening.

I'm telling you I'm done.

And I really don't want
to be late for the service.

Oh, sure, of course.

Hey, maybe Moon Girl
should stay out here

while you do your thing inside!

That would cement this as
the event of the season.

Even better than
the haunted house quinceañera

where they hired a real ghost!

I've done case studies
of that party!

Listen, truth be told,
the ceremony is actually
super boring,

- so would ya mind--
- Okay! We gotta talk.

Case, what's your problem?

Ahh! Your foot's on my dress!

See! You even care more about
your precious dress

than this conversation!

Why are you so mad?!

Aren't you happy for me?

And this whole thing
was your idea!

And a brilliant one,
I might add.

That was before I knew you were
gonna turn into a Bat-Zilla!

(gasps)

Is that what you
really think of me?

I definitely know
what you think of me

after that red carpet.

Not as your best friend,
that's for sure.

Is this about
the Glitter Slinger?

It's about all of it!

(sighs) But I guess you care more

about throwing the party
of the century

than being my best friend.

- I n--
- ISAAC: Casey, it's go-time!

(sad music playing)

- (shutter clicks)
- Wait!

(gulps)

(gasps)

Come on, D.

- (grunts)
- Show's over.

(groans)

I just need to grab my backpack.

(sighs) Where'd it get to, anyway?

(whirring)

(gasps) Hey!

(gasps) Odessa Drake's
a bad influencer!

BEYONDER:
This heiress caught
everyone unaw-eiress.

Odessa was born into a life
of glam and scam

as the daughter
of the head of New York's
elite Thieves Guild!

Her jam?

Stealing superhero gear
and fencing it to fund
her social life.

Unfollow this villain!

Ay! Ayo! You stole my stuff
and my best friend!

(laughs) I told you--

(laughs)

I'm your biggest fan!

(grunting)

(roars)

You don't wanna
mess with me, M.G.!

(gasps)

(laughs)

Guard this door, D--
do not let her slip out!

(grunts)

(Jewish music playing)

Good Shabbos. Good Shabbos.

Good Shabbos. Love the hair.

Casey, sweetheart,
are you all right?

I haven't seen Lunella,
have you?

(sniffles)

(whirring)

(sighs) Now where did she?

Ahh!

You betrayed Casey
just to take my tech?!

Yup! But you can have this back.

I don't even know
what this does.

Well, it does this.

(music starts)

(record scratch)

Quiet please!

- BOTH: Hey!
- No playing music in temple!

Not on Shabbos!

Aw, my apologies.

Seriously, no disrespect.

I just work better
with a soundtrack, you know?

- We can split?
- Yeah. Cool.

Where were we?

♪ Hava Nigila ♪

♪ Mishpocheh over everything ♪

♪ Nosh and shmooze
And dance and sing ♪

♪ Ayyy ♪

♪ Mazel tov ♪

♪ Le khaim ♪

♪ Ayyy ♪

♪ Altz iz gut ♪

CASEY: ♪ O vey, I don't know
What's come over me? ♪

♪ Clout chasin' made me
Go a little nuts ♪

♪ Couldn't see through
All of the shmutz ♪

♪ Likes and follows
Made me hollow ♪

♪ But I have seen the light ♪

♪ My BFF and this yenta ♪

♪ Are in a girl fight ♪

♪ Girl fight! ♪

I have always loved this story
from the Book of Samuel.

About David and Jonathan,

best friends who would
do anything for each other.

For their mishpucha.

And now we have
the privilege of hearing Casey

give a speech
about her Torah portion.

♪ Hava Nigila ♪

♪ Mishpocheh over everything ♪

♪ Nosh and shmooze
And dance and sing ♪

♪ Ayyy ♪

♪ Mazel tov, Le khaim ♪

♪ Ayyy ♪

♪ Altz iz gut ♪

Wow. I've always
wanted to do that. (chuckles)

I crumpled up
my speech because...

my heart just wasn't in it.

I had completely spaced
on the point of today.

I am so honored
you're all here
to celebrate with me.

I was wrong to care more about
what happened outside

than what happens in here,

with the people in this room.

And honestly, this room feels
empty without my whole family.

I owe so much to my dads,

but also to my chosen family...

...especially my best friend.

♪ Hey! Mazel tov ♪

(grunts)

Odessa?! You-- you're--?

Bad? You know it.

Uh, you coulda just used
the bubble blaster--

It was symbolic!

Ugh... you ungrateful...
follower!

Don't you know I can ruin you?

- (laughs)
- (gasps)

Let me go with the gadgets
and this party will go down

as the stuff
legends are made of.

Otherwise,
I post the scathing review

I just typed behind my back.

Spoiler alert:

worst bat mitzvah in history!

- Go for it.
- (gasps)

As the Talmud says...
"Any press is good press."

We'll take that.

Thank you. (stammers) Why?

'Cause this was...

The kookiest...

And coolest...

Best Bat Mitzvah ever.

I can't believe you did that.
What about your dream?

My, uh, my dream just
needed some re-engineering.

(chuckles)

I'll stick Odessa-hot-messa
in the coat room

till we decide what
to do with her.

Wait! On your way out,

could you possibly...
find my friend Lunella?

I need to tell her something.

Tell her what?

That I'm really, really sorry.

For losing sight
of what actually matters.

And for hurting her feelings.

I bet she'd forgive you.

She's probably sorry
for stoking the flame.

And I bet she's extra sorry

for missing your
big moment up there.

Hey, Casey?
Speaking of your "big moment",

do you think we could, uh, maybe
get back to that?

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Rabbi.
Oh, and Moon Girl?

Could you also tell Lunella that

I wanna do
the Torah portion over again?

There's a seat waiting for her.

Absolutely.

CASEY: ♪ Baruch Atah Adonai,
notein ha Torah ♪

Amen!

ALL: Mazel tov!

Now who's ready
for a b*mb bespoke bagel
and nosh buffet?

(slurps, grunts)

I can fix this.

(upbeat music playing)

("Hava Nigila" playing)

(laughs)

ALL: Mazel tov!

(Casey laughs)

Oh, speaking of laughter,

did you ever let Odessa
out of the coat room?

No, did not.
She's still in there.

But don't worry.
I made a few calls.

(grunts)

Is this about me
borrowing your stuff?

(nervous chuckle)
Let's take a chill pill, okay?

I can explain.
I was gonna give it back.

(nervous chuckle)

♪ 'Cause, I got my pretty,
Pretty girl swag on ♪

♪ Hand done nails
Gonna make it last long ♪

♪ Bad attitude
But I make it fashion ♪

♪ Pretty, pretty girl swag ♪

♪ Pretty, pretty girl swag on ♪

♪ Hand done nails
Gonna make it last long ♪

♪ Bad attitude
But I make it fashion ♪

♪ Pretty, pretty girl swag ♪

♪ Pretty girl swag ♪

♪ Pretty girl swag ♪

♪ Pretty, pretty girl swag ♪