02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

- "Batman:
The Audio Adventures."

[jazzy music playing]

♪ ♪

♪ When it's just me and you ♪

♪ That magic number is two ♪

♪ That magic number ♪

♪ Is two ♪

All right!

Hey!

[song ends]

- How 'bout another round,
handsome?

Those ice cubes look dry.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yes, you are too kind.

Welcome, molls and dolls,
to the Aurora Borealis Room

at Oswald Cobblepot's
spectacular Iceberg Lounge.

Oh, we're just getting jumpin'
tonight, mm-hmm.

That was
"Two is the Magic Number,"

and before that, "The Number 2
Second Street Serenade."

So now grab your better half.
We're gonna double down

with "Ain't We a Pair."

[light applause]

[jazzy music playing]

♪ Two of a kind ♪

♪ Two in a million ♪

♪ Twice can be nice ♪

♪ Or double the trouble ♪

♪ Ain't we a pair ♪

Boo!

- Whoo-ee, somebody needs
a fresh drink.

- Come on!
Play "Three Day Weekend."

- Easy there, sir. We're
playing "Ain't We a Pair."

[chuckles] Have a drink
and enjoy the show.

- No, I'm sick of it,
all right?

All night long,
it's "Tea for Two,"

"Bicycle Built for Two,"

"Doo Bee Doo Makes Two"--
twos all night long!

I got the number two coming out
of my rear end here, all right?

Enough with the two!

Play something else!

- Please, sir,
we have a set list.

We don't take requests.

- I wanna hear
"Three Day Weekend."

- Sir, we have a VIP guest
upstairs who insists on a--

- Oh, really?
Oh, thank you so much

for the news flash, Vicki Vale.

You think this whole
town doesn't know

who's up in room 222?

You got Two-Face
hiding out up there!

[shocked murmuring]
Yeah, I said it.

- Sir!
- Ah, that's why no one's

seen him lately, all right,
'cause he's cracked.

He's shuffling around in a
bathrobe, talking to himself--

not that you'd notice
the difference, am I right?

- [chuckling]
- Sir, I'm going to have to--

- Yeah, what?
You're gonna have to what?

You're gonna--
you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?
I pay 15%

off the top of my operation
to Oswald Cobblepot,

who last I heard, didn't, eh,
truck with the funny farm.

- All right?
- Yes, of course,

Mr. Miniscule, it's just--

- Wh--hey, hey.
Fats Miniscule expects

a certain, eh,
standard to be freakin' upheld!

And that means you keep
the Arkham bait locked up

in the rubber room, capisce?

You don't let them
give the orders.

All right, and another thing--
[door opens]

[door closes]

[microphone feedback whines]

What? What?
[coin clinks]

What's everybody looking at?

[footsteps approaching]

[coin clinks]
Oh.

F-f-f-f-f--I--

- [as Harvey] We're trying
to sleep upstairs...

[as the Other]
And you're not helping.

- [hushed chatter]
- Uh, hey.

Hey, T-t-t-t--
uh--buh--uh, Two-Face,

um, you're looking real, uh--
real--

- [as Harvey] Easy, easy.
You seem nervous, Fats.

[as the Other]
Relax. What's the matter?

You heard we been...

[as Harvey]
A little erratic lately?

- Hey, you understand, I--

I was just blowin' off
some steam, you know?

- I--I didn't mean--
- [as the Other] We said relax.

[as Harvey]
We're not crackin' up, Fats.

You know, we're just
maybe a little, uh...

[as the Other]
Overworked right now.

[as Harvey]
Pour him a double, Gigi.

You see?
We're not such a bad guy.

[as the Other] People think
we're such a bad guy.

[as Harvey] But we have
a devil on one shoulder

and an angel on the other,
just like everyone else.

[as the Other]
You know, like in the cartoons.

- Argus Studios.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

- [as Harvey]
Angel over this side...

[as the Other]
And a devil over here.

Right?
On your worst day, it's...

[as Harvey]
Still a 50/50 proposition

which shoulder wins.

[as the Other]
And this isn't even

your worst day, is it?

- No, no, i-it's not?

No, sure it ain't.

And good news for you,

we listen to our angel
all the time.

[as Harvey]
But here's the problem, Fats.

The angel on our shoulder has
an angel on his shoulder.

You follow?
[coin clinks]

- Yeah, yeah, no, I--I--
- I mean, 'cause we can

listen to our angel,

but is our angel listening...

[as the Other] To his angel?

We don't know.
See, 'cause the angel has

a devil on the other shoulder.
[coin clinks]

[as Harvey] If our angel
is listening to his devil,

we might be better off
listening to our devil.

[laughing] I mean,
he's got an angel, right?

- Uh, I, uh--
[coin clinks]

- [as the Other]
'Cause hear us out,

if the angel has a devil
on one shoulder,

who's that devil listening to?
His devil?

[as Harvey] I mean,
the shoulders are getting

pretty small here, Fats.

[laughing]
But we're not done.

That devil has a devil,
and that devil has a devil,

and that devil--oops,
he listened to his angel,

but that angel listened
to his devil,

and who are a devil's
better angels anyways?

- Are they good at being bad?
- Uh--

- [as the Other] How many
devils on how many shoulders

are we listening to
when the angel starts

making with
the chin music, Fats?

- I--
- How far back do we have to go

to get advice we can
really trust here, Fats?

How many times
does the path split, Fats?

[shouting] Do you see why
this makes it so hard to sleep?

- Wait, wait, wait,
what are you gonna do to me?

- Us?
[bones crack]

We ain't doin' nothing.

- We're going back to bed.
- [sighs]

- [as Harvey]
It is an unseemly hour

for questions
of moral relativism.

[as the Other] We're callin' it
a night and leaving it

to our angel and our devil
to sort it out.

That's what we keep 'em
around for.

- Oh, thank God.
[door opens]

Oh, and here they are now.

- Evening, boss.
- This guy giving you

- trouble, boss?
- [as Harvey] Boys,

Fats here wants to know more

about internal moral conflict.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait
a minute. Who are these guys?

- Oh, that's our angel
and our devil.

[as the Other]
We told you we can't trust

the two wise guys
on our shoulders.

[as Harvey] So we hired
dependable replacements.

- [gulps]
- Hey, Bob, be an angel

and leave Fats a few teeth.

- Oh, no.
- You got it, boss.

- And Bub,
I'm gonna pretend I didn't see

those brass knuckles,
you sneaky devil.

- Ohh, no.
- What knuckles, boss?

- Piano Man, how 'bout
"Two Tickets to Timbuktu"?

[piano playing]
Good night all, and we are

so very sorry
for the intrusion.

- [over sounds of beating]
- ♪ Let's get away ♪

[the Other singing along]
♪ We'll leave today ♪

- ♪ I got two tickets ♪
- I'm sorry!

♪ To Timbuktu ♪

[the Other scatting]

[beating continues]

- Gotham, a fleshy fruit
rotting sweetly

inside a rind of asphalt.

Join us once again
for another tale

of life and death
in Gotham City.

February 28th,

unable to return to sleep,
Harvey Dent instead returns

to the work
that has run him so ragged

these last two weeks...
[Two-Face muttering]

An avalanche
of emergency filings,

petitions, court injunctions,

a Byzantine maze
of legal skullduggery.

But to what purpose?

[Two-Face laughing]

The answer is known only

to the addlepated
attorney extraordinaire

and his new business partner
slash taskmaster,

Oswald Cobblepot.

[Oswald laughing]
While Batman and Robin seek

to suppress the steady
crescendo of madness

being conducted
by the Scarecrow,

the full flower
of the Penguin's devious plot

is poised to bloom
with noxious effect.

The nerve center
of Gotham Police Headquarters

and its familiar odors
of aftershave,

burnt coffee, and desperation.

[phones ringing, chatter]
On one wall, a map

of Gotham City roughly
the size of a subway car.

Each thumbtack represents

- a crisis in progress.
- No, no, I need twice

- the amount of men downtown now.
- Each pinprick

a conflagration
of criminal mayhem.

To say that
a badly beleaguered

Commissioner Gordon lacks
the necessary resources

to cover the ongoing
catastrophe

would be the literal truth.

- What do you mean,
we ran out of thumbtacks?

What, in the whole building?

Well, take down
your kids' valentines.

[phone slams]
Lieutenant, we just got word

that Penguin has
completely folded

his protection racket
in the Narrows.

Now Two-Face's psychos
are taking a bloody chunk

out of every small-timer
south of Barr Street.

For every move
we can anticipate,

we get something like
this Mama Dagmar m*rder.

All right, listen up.
We need to move

while the situation
is still fluid.

Penguin and Two-Face combined
is a wide-awake nightmare,

and it's just getting
warmed up.

But there's chaos
while they consolidate,

and we can work with that.
Our ace in the hole

is Penguin's ill*gal dump site
in the harbor.

Oswald Cobblepot's
whole front operation

is in federal trouble.

That's why he's
gone into hiding.

But we have to find him
and put the heat to him

before he forms
a legal strategy

- with Harvey Dent's help.
- Commissioner?

- All right, now, drawing him
out isn't gonna be easy.

- Not when we got--
- Commissioner,

someone's here to see you.

- It's a really bad time.
All right, I'm trying to--

It's Oswald Cobblepot.

- Say that again.
- He says he wants to give

- a statement on the harbor dump.
- He what now?

- He's in interrogation
room three.

Damn it, we're too late.

All right,
you tell his lawyers that--

No lawyers, Commissioner.

He waived his right to counsel.

He what now?

- Commissioner Gordon knows
Oswald Cobblepot better

than to trust this seeming
reversal of fortune.

But on the other hand,
when a good cop smells a rat,

he follows his nose.

- Lieutenant, meet me
in interrogation room three.

[radio chatter, door opens]

♪ Mama goonie bird ♪

♪ Has many chicks ♪
[door closes]

♪ Many chicks has
mama goonie bird, meh ♪

- Mr. Cobblepot.
- [startled squawking]

Oh, what h*, Commissioner.

You startled me.

I say, you're looking
prosperous, old egg.

- We've been looking
for you pretty intently

for the last two weeks.

What is it that brings you
in here tonight?

- Well, Commissioner,
it's my giving nature.

Sometimes I curse
my boundless charity.

I've got a present for you,

and I just couldn't wait
to see you open it.

- From beneath his chair,
the portly provocateur

produces a large
and elegantly wrapped parcel.

I hope you don't mind.

- Mr. Cobblepot,
have you been drinking tonight?

- Say again?
Into the new

hearing aid, old smoke.
[high-pitched squealing]

- Are you intoxicated,
Mr. Cobblepot?

[laughing] What?

No!
Why, I'm dry as salted cod.

And not otherwise impaired?

This is a voluntary statement?

- Aren't you curious what
I've brought you, old sport?

- I'm interested
in your statement regarding

the ill*gal dump site
you are responsible for.

You are aware
you are being recorded,

and this recording will be
entered as evidence in--

Dump site? Dump site?

Why, no nature lover you,

Commissioner,
that's quite clear.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, you haven't heard?

Your dump site in the harbor
has been declared

a "protected marine habitat."

It's home to a thriving
population

of Gotham Bay hagfish.

- Thriving?
That's an invasive species.

Immigrants, by another name.

And Gotham is such
a welcoming place.

At least the right
environmental groups have been

encouraged to think so.

You'll find all the paperwork
on file at City Hall.

- Already filed?
- Yes.

I've recently allied myself
with first-rate legal support.

You really don't want
to open the gift?

- And is this legal support
being provided by Harvey Dent?

- [squawks]
Hearing aid,

old boy, speak up.
[high-pitched squealing]

- Are you admitting
you are working

with the Two-Face
criminal syndicate?

- Oh, I'll admit
to any old thing you like.

Just open your present,
Commissioner.

I just can't stand it.

- And who let you bring
a package in here?

- Oh, it's been thoroughly
determined to be harmless.

They searched me
to my skivvies.

This is a police station
after all.

Open it.

[sighs]

[packaging tearing]

I don't know what you're
playing at, Mr. Cobblepot,

but you've been made aware
of your rights and, uh--

[cuckoo clock chiming]

Do you like it?

It's a cuckoo clock.

- I can see it's
a cuckoo clock, Mr. Cobblepot.

Yeah, but I-I don't know
what all this--

- What, you don't know
what this is all about?

Well, then I'll tell you
all about

the obstreperous cuckoo bird.

Oh, you'll wish you never
gave me the opening, old bean.

[laughs]
Birds are a passion of mine,

don't you know?

At any rate,
your merry little cuckoo bird,

that selfsame winsome
little warbler

that so inspired Handel
and Beethoven, well...

[laughing]
He's actually a vile

sort of chap known
as a brood parasite.

Doesn't that notion
chill your blood?

Parasitic birds? Bleh.

Fine feathered fiends?

And indeed, the cuckoo bird
is detestably ruthless.

It doesn't build nests.
It doesn't feed its offspring.

It deposits its eggs
in the nests of other birds,

the ones that
are none the wiser.

- Yeah, I know where you're
going with this, Mr. Cobblepot.

You think you're clever,
don't you?

- And then
the little cuckoos hatch,

and the unsuspecting
host bird feeds them

like their own.

The GCPD is like a big,
cozy nest,

isn't it, Commissioner?

And you're the mama bird,
aren't you?

How many cuckoos do you think
you're feeding?

- If you're telling me
I've got bad cops,

I know I got bad cops.

I know who's on the take,

I just can't prove
who's paying 'em.

Are you taking credit
for that--on the record?

As I said, old bean,

I'll confess
to whatever you like.

How about old Mama Dagmar?

Such a sweet
and tender old lady, eh?

Or she was eventually,

but it took more than once
through the grinder.

[laughs] But that's Mama D.

She can be tough.

Take my word for it,
I had to turn the crank.

- [laughs]
- Lieutenant!

Get a booking officer
down here.

Oh, would you?

I think O'Malley
is on duty tonight.

His smile lights up a room.

[cuckoo clock chimes]

You see, the cuckoo has
taken up residence

at the top of the hour,
Commissioner.

All the other eggs have been
pushed out of the nest.

Nobody here but us cuckoos.

- What are you talking about?
I still run this--

This is a courtesy call,

because believe it or not,

I respect you, Commissioner.

I don't know,
I think it's the mustache.

You're under new management,
effective immediately.

Harvey Dent has arranged
everything.

Expect the announcement
shortly.

- [chair scrapes]
- Announcement? What annou--

- Now then,
you are going to have

quite a gauntlet to run
with the press.

This went very badly.

- Ha!
You mind, uh,

lending me that hearing aid,
Mr. Cobblepot?

[door opens]
I thought you just said--

[agitated squawking]

I've never been so outraged
in my life!

I'm going to have your job
for this, Gordon!

- Commissioner.
- Where does

he think he's going?

Is that the press
outside already?

It's inhumane!

Why, you can't treat
a taxpayer like this!

Get out of my way!

You'll be hearing
from my lawyer!

- Ay, ay,
don't let him walk out of here.

- He just confessed to--
- Sir, we have a problem.

The recording equipment
in the interrogation room--

- Lieutenant, if you gonna
tell me that you weren't

- rolling on that--
- We were rolling,

Commissioner,
but listen for yourself.

- [staticky recording]
- What the?

- There was high frequency
disturbance

inside the room with you,
some kind of signal jammer.

- Damn it!
That wasn't no hearing aid.

Ay, stop Cobblepot!

- Commissioner,
we can't detain him.

There's no record
of what went on in that room.

It's gonna be our word
against his.

[cuckoo clock chimes]

- Lieutenant, get me duty
rosters from all precincts.

Pronto! Don't say who's asking.

Restrict O'Malley to desk duty.
We were right about him.

And get me on a burner phone
to the Batcave.

Penguin is making his move--
right through our front door.

- The last outpost of law and
order assailed from within.

And the distance narrows
between life

and death in Gotham City.

[bright music plays]

Hey, Gotham teenagers.

What it is?

This Friday night
at the Gotham Riverwalk,

enjoy a wholesome evening
of positive messaging

and a drug-free environment
at the Youth Musical Festival.

- ♪ Give me some affection,
baby ♪

♪ Yummy, ummy, ummy,
yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Love is a confection, baby ♪

♪ Yummy, ummy, ummy,
yeah, yeah ♪

- Remember, staying off
Scarecrow drugs is as simple

as saying
G-L-A-R-B-I-M-A-C-T-A-F-I-N,

which spells GLARBIMACTAFIN,

which stands for
"Get lost, all right, buster,

I made a choice to abstain
from ill*gal narc--"

- We interrupt this broadcast
for a breaking news bulletin

from Gotham City One.

[exciting electronic
music plays]

♪ Gotham City One ♪

- [cameras flashing]
- Good evening, Gotham City.

This is Jack Ryder live
on the steps of City Hall

where we have been told
to expect a statement shortly

from Oswald Cobblepot,
who earlier had this to say.

- It is my sad duty
to come forward

as a private citizen
to report my ordeal.

No one should have to endure
what I just went through

in that interrogation room.

My fellow Gothamites,
there is a terrible corruption

at the heart of the Gotham City
Police Department.

A fearsome, fetid rot,

and it goes by the name...

Batman.

- Gotham, a glass hammer
shattering on impact

with the inevitable.

Join us once again
for another tale

of life and death
in Gotham City.

In a squalid tenement
on Gotham's derelict fringes,

two drug dealers cower in the
inky darkness of blind panic.

- Oh, man. It's him!
[clattering]

- It's him!
- Hey, lock the dang door!

- You dope,
he's already inside!

- An old German myth relates
that if a bat flies

into your house,
the devil is after you.

- Where?
- I don't know where.

It's too dark.

- A more recent
Gotham City tale has it

that if a bat flies into your
ill*gal narcotics laboratory,

the devil will be
the least of your concerns.

- sh**t him, Scud!
He's up there.

[cape flutters, g*nshots fire]

No, you stupid.
He's over there.

- [crashing]
- I think I got him.

I think I got him.
I think I--

[g*nshots fire]

- Did you get him?
- Yep.

- I got him.
- You sure?

I'm totally sure. I got him.

I absolutely got him...

I think.

- You didn't.
- Aah!

[punches landing]

[crashing, beating]

[yelling, grunting]

- Case journal: successful raid
of the narcotics

manufacture site operated
by the narcoterrorist

known as the Scarecrow.

Civilian identity
remains unknown.

In his criminal persona,
he styles himself

as the Master of Fear,
a reputation he maintains

by the sadistic application
of psychoactive chemistry.

His Scarecrow drugs make
the addicts crave his horror.

- [cape flutters]
- [groans]

- I recognize his g*ons,
a couple of dead-enders

from a west side motorcycle
g*ng called Dem Bones.

Ride or die types.

So why were there
no motorcycles parked outside?

The narcotics lab
is a high yield operation.

Custom equipment optimized
for an unknown purpose.

He's making something new.

But why is he making it
up here?

There's no street trade
in this district.

Why is he assuming
voluntary risk

to move his product downtown?

Or is he moving
the addicts uptown?

Bikers with no motorcycles.

Drug dens with no drug addicts.

Whoever the Scarecrow is,

there's a structure
to his eccentricity.

Elective inefficiencies
indicate an urgent need

to work around
a larger problem.

For all the terror
of his criminal persona,

this is a man who shows every
sign of being motivated--

by fear.

But a fear of what?

What frightens a nightmare?

- Batman to Batcave.
- Robin here.

I've swept the site.

No sign of the Scarecrow.

I'm returning
to the cave to deal

with Commissioner Gordon's
concerns.

Has the Penguin begun
his press conference?

- He just started. You're
gonna want to hear this.

Patch it through.

- And no sooner
had I presented myself

voluntarily and in full
cooperation with my civic duty

than I was locked in a room
to be viciously intimidated

by the so-called Batman.

- [audience clamoring]
- Listen to him lie.

- The truth of what he says
is irrelevant, Robin.

It's not possible
to disprove his story.

But what's his angle here?

- This is the sorry state
of police work

in Gotham City?
[chuckles]

Is Gordon running
a law enforcement organization

or a Hallow's Eve spook house?

I say this is what happens

when we let the police police
the police--

this and worse!

It's long past time that
the GCPD was subject

to civilian oversight.

- Of course.
I should have seen this coming.

- Civilian oversight?
What's he talking about?

- Per the provisions laid out
in the city charter,

I have filed an injunction for
the immediate establishment

of a civilian review board
of all police operations.

- He can't make that happen,
can he?

He can't.

But Harvey Dent can.

This is the endgame
of their partnership.

They're formalizing
the systematic

corruption of the police force.

- Beginning
at midnight tonight,

the current police command
as well as the rank and file

will answer directly
to the head

of the new
Civilian Review Board,

a post to which,
given the circumstance,

I nominate myself.

- Holy chain of command,
Batman.

He can't be serious.

- He is.
The Penguin and Two-Face

are taking over the GCPD
in broad daylight.

- And it's going to work.
- How do you know?

Because it was my idea.

- Your idea?
- I see it as nothing less

than my civic obligation...

- Before Batman decided
to join the police force,

I had settled on a plan
to reign in growing corruption

by making Bruce Wayne civilian
commissioner of police.

District Attorney Harvey Dent
had it all worked out.

Then he had his accident.
[Penguin laughing]

It seems Two-Face has
taken the plan off the shelf

with Penguin
in the starring role.

But what's his play, Batman?

How does he get the public
behind him?

This town loves
Commissioner Gordon.

- And to give you an idea
of what you can expect from,

well,
a Commissioner Cobblepot,

I'm going to do
what the GCPD hasn't done,

what Commissioner Gordon
won't do,

and what the Batman has
repeatedly failed to do.

Put your trust in me,

and I will finally bring in...

the Joker.

Wait, what did he say?

- Get Gordon on the line.
We knew the consolidation

of the two biggest criminal
syndicates would bring chaos,

but this is chaos torn
to pieces by wild animals.

The Penguin and Two-Face have
just declared w*r on the Joker.

- Yes, the Penguin
and Two-Face have climbed

behind the wheel
of a nitro-burning nightmare

for a citywide
demolition derby.

Join us next time as we rev
the engines and pop the clutch

for the inevitable high-octane
head-on collision

between life and death
in Gotham City.

- [sighs]
[TV turns on]

- [high-pitched ringing]
- The Harlequin is coming soon

to Gotham City.

The Harlequin is coming soon--

- In baseball news,
the streak continues

for the mighty
Swat Fleishacker

and the Gotham Gaslamps--

- Basil Karlo, horror classic,
in a newly remastered--

- ♪ Whoa, hey,
diddle, diddle ♪

♪ There's a crack
in the fiddle ♪

♪ So the count won't
cover the tune ♪

♪ 'Cause-- ♪

[movie projector whirs]

- From Hollywood's legendary
Argus Studios...

[g*nsh*t, scream]

Who knows what evil dwells

in the heart of the dark
of the city?

One lone defender
of the night...

I am justice.

- Look! In the shadows,
on the rooftops...

I am vengeance.

- It's a specter.
It's a shade.

It's--
[comedy sound effects]

Oh! Ack! Ack! Sorry!

Sorry, I'm okay, everyone.
[laughing] I'm okay.

It's just really dark
out here.

- It's Bat-Mite!

Mysterious miniature
masked marauder

of Gotsumgum City.
[comedy impact]

- Ow! Okay, okay, ow.
[canned laughter]

No, I'm not as okay
as I thought I was.

- He fights a never-ending
battle for...

- Oh! Nope.
Not tonight, I don't.

Moving around is agony.

Does anyone see my wallet?

I think I dropped my--

it's a brown wallet.
I can't find it.

- ♪ He's Bat-Mite,
the dim knight ♪

♪ He's the world's greatest
defective ♪

♪ He's out on the prowl
in his cape and his cowl ♪

♪ So you evildoers
best beware ♪

- Argus Studios presents
the manic antics of Bat-Mite.

- Yuh-oh!
- The brand-new cartoon comedy

taking Gotham City by storm.
Short features

showing exclusively
at the Monarch Theater.

And don't miss daily
comic strip appearances

- in the "Gotham Gazette."
- Eh, yuh-oh!

- Bat-Mite is a work
of fiction; similarities

or endorsement to any actual
persons known or unknown

should not be implied;
Argus Studios does not condone

extralegal vigilante activity
of the sort lampooned herein.

- ♪ He's out on the prowl
in his cape and his cowl ♪

- Ow! Okay,
now my shoulder's dislocated.

- I hate that.
- ♪ So evildoers best beware ♪

- Someone, please, I-I need
help getting into a taxi.

[high-pitched ringing]
Anyone?

[laughing]

To be continued.

[noir music]