- Blue Ribbon Content presents
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
- No, this has nothing to do
with the Joker.
I don't care what you heard
on "Jack Ryder."
The Joker is uninvolved.
[sirens wail, crowd screaming]
- This is dispatch.
Go ahead, Commissioner.
- Yeah, copy, dispatch.
We gon' need all
the available resources
to the harbor ferry station.
It's panic here
at the Iceberg Casino,
utter confusion.
There's a forklift hauling away
a damn frozen elephant.
- Uh, Commissioner,
can I get your exact 926?
- My 926 is Riddler's crashing
Penguin's party
literally
with an ocean liner.
But the Scarecrow drugs
are making the crowd think
that they're under attack
by the Joker.
- Say again, Commissioner?
- A hoax Joker panic
at Penguin's place
sparked a riot caused
by Riddler
using Scarecrow's drugs.
- The Riddler is using drugs?
Over.
- Riddler caused a Joker panic
with the Scarecrow drugs
to attack the Penguin.
- Ah, copy that, sir.
A 12-16? Over.
- Yes, a 12-16.
We have a 12-16 in progress.
Batman is engaging
the situation in a speedboat,
but that ocean liner
is not gonna slow down.
We need to mobilize
for a mass casualty event.
Full medical response.
- Mass casualty, sir?
Over.
Doesn't the Batman have
a plan to--
- I don't think so, dispatch.
Batman's saying that
there's nothing he can do
to turn the ship around.
- Commissioner,
what is the Batman's 926?
- I don't know what he's up to,
dispatch.
I just believe the good people
of this city can trust
in the Batman.
Although,
it sounds completely insane
when you say it out loud.
[smooth music]
- Gotham,
a rising tide lifts all boats
except the one
that's taking on water.
Join us now for a tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[waves breaking, ship whirring]
The flagship
of the Gotham Star Lines
is a 150-foot tall,
three-funnel,
coal-driven ocean liner
called the "Queen Beatrice."
[seagulls squawking]
And it is on
an inevitable collision course
with the Penguin's floating
Iceberg Casino.
Who is the hellish helmsman
on the "Queen B.'s" bridge
who so passionately courts
maritime disaster?
[Riddler laughing]
None other than
that irascible inquisitor
the Riddler.
[over loudspeaker]
- [laughs]
Good evening,
patrons of the Iceberg Casino.
I thought the conversation
might be a little awkward
right now, so I thought
I'd try a little icebreaker.
[laughs]
[off loudspeaker]
- Lame.
- Oh, is everything lame,
Ms. Tuesday?
Oh, that must be so tedious
for you.
- But hope is not forgotten.
A black splinter of aquadynamic
perfection knifes
through the water ahead
of the coal-driven titan.
It is the Batman's custom-built
submersible speedboat,
every bit the aquatic equal
of the famous Batmobile.
- Robin, that ocean liner is
coming in hot on the casino.
Try to suppress the panic
and be ready.
I only have one option.
I have to get the Riddler
to cooperate with me.
- Deftly, the Batman
maneuvers his craft
alongside
the soot-belching behemoth
and hails the bridge
over ship-to-ship.
[over loudspeaker]
- Riddler, this is Batman.
I'm here to negotiate.
- With what?
I'm driving
the 800-foot long torpedo,
you caped cretin.
Do you not even get that?
- Riddler, be reasonable.
You've won.
Slow the ship.
Nothing can
stop the impact now,
but if you put it
in full reverse--
- Ha, steady on, Ms. Tuesday,
but you know-you know what?
You caught me in
a very charitable mood, Batman.
I was gonna detonate
the shipment of frag grenades
in the cargo hold
as I made my escape,
from all this delicious mayhem
I've cooked up,
but I'll spare you that
if you can solve this puzzle.
Riddle me this:
You pick me out from a crowd,
and--
- Riddler, we don't have time
for this.
- Don't freaking interrupt me
when I'm riddling, Batman.
- Riddler--
- The nerve!
I don't come to where you work
and slap the vengeance
of the night out of your--
- Riddler, have a shred
of compassion.
Those people are terrified.
- Well, good,
let them quake in their boots
when they hear
the name Eddie Nygma,
the artist of crime.
Now then, Batman, quiz time.
Riddle me this:
You pick me out from a crowd
and give me--
- No, Riddler,
you don't understand.
The word got out
that the Joker's behind this.
- What?
The J--those idiots, as if!
They think the Joker
could pull this off?
- Yes, those people are
in an absolute blind panic
because they have no idea
it's only the Riddler
behind all this.
Please, slow down.
- You insufferable mediocrity.
I'm speeding up.
Ms. Tuesday, five more knots.
- Riddler, k*ll those people
if you must,
but at least let them know
it's just you
and not the Joker
doing them in.
- Ms. Tuesday,
ahead full steam.
Open the bilge main
and scuttle the jargon-jargon!
Iceberg Casino dead ahead.
Come on, Gotham,
let's party like it's 1912.
[laughs]
- But just as Riddler is done
counting his chickens...
- Speak up, Ms. Tuesday.
What?
[alarm beeping]
The depth finder says what?
[crash]
Ahh!
- Like a mad dog
that suddenly finds itself
at the end of its leash,
the enormous cruise ship
lurches hard to a dead stop
well short of impact
with the casino.
- What the--Ms. Tuesday,
what in the wide world
of sports did we just hit?
- You just hit
a very large sandbar
off the west side
of the casino barge, Riddler.
You ran aground,
and the casino is safe.
- Huh?
- Probably unpleasant
for your hostages,
but nothing the medics onboard
can't handle.
- No, no, what-what sandbar?
There's not-there's not--
There's no ever-loving sandbar.
How did you do this?
I'm looking at the depth charts
right now.
I memorized the--
- Oh, it's not on any charts.
That's an ill*gal debris pile
from all the dumping Penguin
did during construction
of his floating eyesore.
- I hit a pile
of Penguin's trash?
- He greased
the right city bureaucrats
to keep it off the official
charts and surveys,
but it's there,
as any real Gotham sailor
will tell you.
- You knew.
You knew I was headed
for failure.
- Yes, but only if I could get
you to run aground
before you noticed anything
on your depth finder,
so thank you for accelerating,
Eddie.
[helicopter whirring]
- No...
no, no!
- GCPD is dropping SWAT teams
onto the deck
of the "Queen Beatrice" now,
Eddie.
Give yourself up,
and I'll put in a good word
for you with Dr. Arkham.
- I'm never going back
to that repulsive bug hatch!
I'm never,
never going back to that!
- I'll get you a view
of the eastern sky
from your cell, Eddie.
You can see Venus
most mornings.
Maybe I can even get you
a deck of cards.
- Never, Batman!
The artist of crime
never surrenders!
Ms. Tuesday, retreat!
Evacuate!
All ashore
that's going ashore!
- Batman
to Commissioner Gordon.
Stand by to fish Riddler
out of the harbor.
He's going overboard any minute
if your SWAT teams don't
get him first.
I cannot assist at this time.
Valentine's Day is almost here.
Knowing the Joker,
I have a feeling
in about 27 hours
we're going to fondly remember
this near catastrophe.
[suspenseful music]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
take your seats.
We are about to begin
tonight's performance
of the bittersweet comitragedy
called "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
- Did you see that?
The Batman did it!
The cruise ship stopped!
[crowd chatter]
- M-Mom, D-Dad, where are you?
- I thought the Iceberg was
a goner for sure.
Pretty big letdown.
- Doesn't even seem like
anybody got hurt.
- Did someone say
the Joker did this?
- P-please, can somebody--
- Oh, Riddler.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that makes more sense.
- Excuse m-me, please.
I-I can't f-find my--
- [whistling]
[thud]
Ow!
Easy there, chief.
- Oh, p-pardon me, sir.
- No, pardon me.
This is heavy.
It's called a galvanized
twin-spinning autoclave.
Looks like you're having
a bad night.
What's your name, kid?
- B-Bryce.
- What's the trouble, Bryce?
- I can't find my mom and dad.
We stopped to try
and see what was happening
in the harbor,
and we got split up.
- Pretty late to be toddling
on the town, Bryce.
- Huh, Mom thought so too.
Mom said to take a taxi.
Dad said, "Let's walk."
We were walking home
from the movies.
- Walking home from the movies.
You don't say.
What picture you see?
- M-monster movie.
B-Basil Karlo played a mummy.
- Ooh, Basil Karlo.
Scary?
- Not so much,
I'm much more scared right now.
- Really?
And why is that, Bryce?
Because you're all alone
right now?
- Because you're the Joker.
- Who, me, the Joker?
No, I'm--I'm just Blabbo
the birthday clown, Bryce.
Nothing to worry about.
- I just want to g--I just
want to go home now.
- Sure, sure,
I just want to chitter-chat
a little first, Bryce.
You seem like a bright boy.
You got time to talk with your
old uncle Blabbo, don't you?
- I-I--
- Listen, Bryce.
What's so scary
about the Joker anyhow?
He's not a big guy, is he?
Skinny, maybe 6-foot flat
in elevator shoes, right?
- I don't know. I--
- Bryce, there's
a snarling sadomasochist
in a bat getup at large
in this town,
and you're afraid of a guy
who goes around
with a smile on his face?
That makes sense to you, Bryce?
- W-well, uh--
- I think Joker is
misunderstood.
All the best people are.
Take me, for example.
Nobody gets old Blabbo.
Nobody even tries.
You know what I'm talking
about, don't you, Bryce?
- I--I don't know.
- Sure you do.
Mom wanted to take a taxi.
Dad said walk.
Anybody ask Bryce?
- N-n-no, Dad just yelled.
- Dad just yelled.
Well, I got bad news for you,
Bryce.
That's what Dad does.
I'm saying it only gets worse
for guys like you and me.
You got a pretty healthy
stammer there,
don't you, Bryce?
- Y-yes.
- And people aren't nice
about it, are they?
- No, they're not nice
about it.
- And sometimes,
you think about hurting them.
[ominous music]
Nothing wrong with that.
Listen, Bryce.
Blabbo has
a full dance card tonight,
so I gotta go,
but when's your birthday?
- April 1st.
- No fooling!
[laughs]
I knew I liked you.
Here's an early
birthday present
from Blabbo the birthday clown.
Go on, take it.
[liquid bubbles]
- What is it?
- It's a prank, a gag,
a practical joke,
the kind that teaches
a valuable lesson.
Next time you could use
some yucks,
put a few drops
of that green stuff
in Dad's scotch,
and see what happens,
or maybe a dash in Johnny
Jockstrap's milkshake,
or loudmouth
Susie Poodleskirt's soda pop.
You're a good boy, Bryce.
I know you'll think
of something clever
to do with it, maybe not soon,
but someday.
You're gonna be
a superstar, Bryce.
I can always spot 'em.
- Bryce, Bryce!
Where the hell is that kid?
- Oh, that's my dad.
- You better go.
- But hey,
I gotta ask you something.
- Yeah?
- How do you spot 'em?
Like, how do you know
I'm gonna be a superstar?
- Easy, Bryce.
Because as soon
as we really got in a groove,
you stopped stuttering.
[whistling]
- Bryce, there you are!
- What?
I'm fine, Mom.
- He's fine, Marsha,
wandering around out to lunch
as usual.
- Who was that man
you were talking to?
- D-don't worry about it, Mom.
- He was just here
a minute ago,
the man in the purple hat.
- He's j-just a new friend,
Mom.
You always s-say
I need new friends.
- New friends,
how about a friend?
- Dad, don't--
[siren whooping]
- It's the GCPD!
Please disperse!
[mysterious music]
- Gotham,
a city that precipitated
out of a solution of despair.
Join us now for a tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
February 13th.
Squatting on
an entire city block
of Gotham's toxic
Chemical District
in the Narrows,
the Ace Chemical plant
is an infamous brick behemoth
belching noxious fumes
into the dark Gotham night.
Following up
on the enigmatic mention
of a secret Project Joy Cure
in the contents
of Penguin's safe,
a lithe feline figure steals
into an unmarked laboratory
to startle a scientist hard
at work over a microscope.
- Good evening, doc.
- Oh, good heavens!
- Oh, no, no,
put that phone down now,
or you hit the linoleum hard.
[receiver clicks]
Smart move.
I'm in a mood,
and hurting people seems
like an easy solution
to all my problems right now,
okay?
So just keep me supplied
with other options.
- You're not supposed
to be in here.
- Honey, I don't think people
are supposed to be in here.
How do you stand the smell?
For a place
that used to make perfume,
it sure smells
like a pantyhose fire.
- You're her.
You're Catwoman.
Is--is this a robbery?
- Not exactly.
I was actually thinking
we could just chat a little.
- Chat about what?
- About whatever you want
to chat about, darling.
How's work going?
Have you bought a pair
of shoes this decade,
or where you live,
do those still cut it?
Hey, how about,
what's Project Joy Cure?
- I can't--
- Start anywhere.
Like my friend at the "Gazette"
just found out,
two of your three predecessors
here in special projects
are suddenly collecting
big disability
for gouged out eyes,
disfigurement--
- What? They didn't tell me--
- Well, the third just moved
into a tiny one-bedroom
in the heart of beautiful
Mount Gotham Cemetery,
no view but no walk-up either.
- You-you can't do this.
I don't--I don't have
the authority to--
- Look, I just swam here
from the Iceberg Casino.
Cats and water? Please.
You really don't want
to test my cool.
I know the mayor is providing
cover for Ace Chemical
while they develop
Project Joy Cure.
It's k*lled one lab coat
and sent two more
to the plastic surgeon.
What is it?
- Please, Catwoman,
I can't tell you that,
even if I wanted to.
- [scoffs] Well, that's weird,
Dr. Langstrom.
Can I call you Francie?
- Well, it's Francine,
actually--
- 'Cause the sign
on your office says
you're the project director,
fancy Francie,
at least, unless and
until you get your eyes
mysteriously scratched out
like the last guy.
But here's the thing, Francie,
maybe we just met,
but I don't want that for you.
I'm here to help you
make a career choice
that won't require
a disability settlement
and reconstructive skin grafts.
So let me in to see what
you're sciencing in there.
- You are not gonna
like the answer.
- Unlock the door
to the testing lab.
- Please don't make me.
- [draws blade]
Open it.
[keys clacking]
[electronic beeping]
[door hisses open]
- Dr. Langstrom relents.
The heavy containment door
is opened.
From the darkened laboratory
comes laughter,
mirthless, horrible,
inhuman laughter.
[laughter and rattling]
- What are you doing in here?
What are you keeping
in those cages?
- They're test subjects.
They're--
- Are those lab monkeys?
What's wrong with them?
Why are they--for the love
of God,
why do they have
such horrible grins?
- I know they're suffering.
Project Joy Cure is not
a success yet,
but we're trying to--
- Is Project Joy Cure--are
you testing Joker toxin
on these poor suffering
creatures?
- Well, a-a diluted
formulation, yes,
but it's for a good cause,
I swear.
- You poisoned these animals
with Joker toxin?
You're watching
these wretched creatures
laugh themselves to death?
- No--well, yes,
the Joker's trademark poison
causes fatal delirium
and convulsive laughter.
It's a gruesome death
brought on
by the brain's pleasure centers
literally exploding,
but a weakened dose
of this drug, a safe dose,
it could be
a revolutionary antidepressant,
perfect happiness pills.
- Happiness pills?
- Even the ice-blooded Catwoman
is chilled
by the ghastly hubris
of this scheme.
- The evidence I saw
in Penguin's safe, the Joker,
how does he fit
into this sick scheme?
- I don't--
- Anything but the truth,
and it gets ugly
in ways you will hate.
- The...the Joker
has been using
an abandoned Ace Chemicals lab
near the cannery
for his personal experiments,
sneaking in and tinkering,
testing--
or he thinks he's sneaking in.
- He's not sneaking in?
- Ace Chemical knows about it.
- They're letting the Joker use
an industrial chemical lab?
- It's worse than that.
They're paying Mayor Hill
to keep GCPD off his back,
give him all the room he needs
to do his work.
- For God's sake, why?
- Because Ace Chemical
goes in when the Joker's gone,
and they scoop up
his leftovers.
- Oh, my God.
- They collect
his used test tubes,
take pictures
of his whiteboards for study.
- And that's where you come in,
to help skim a profit
out of a mass m*rder*r's
garbage can.
- I know the things he's done,
but you can't deny it,
he's a twisted genius.
It'd be a terrible waste
to just let all his brilliance
rot inside that diseased mind.
- You think you can farm
good ideas
from the Joker's brain?
You idiot!
You ignorant--
nothing grows
in that sewer but death!
- So absolute is her shock
at the nightmare scene
that Catwoman failed to notice
private security has arrived.
- Hey, you, freeze!
- But Catwoman does not intend
to leave tonight in handcuffs.
- [grunts]
- With a powerful swipe
of her claw,
she removes the grate
from a ventilation duct
and disappears
into the crawlspace labyrinth
beyond.
- She's gone!
That was that Catwoman,
wasn't it?
You okay, Doc Langstrom?
- I'm fine, Gus,
but the project secret is out
ahead of schedule.
- Should I contact the--
- No, I'll be the one
to tell him,
and I will take
full responsibility.
He won't be understanding.
If I never see
my husband again,
tell Kirk I love him,
and if people got hurt,
tell him I did all of this
for him.
[suspenseful music]
- Who is the Project Joy Cure
mastermind?
And why has he taken
such a keen interest
in the twisted chemical
confections of the Joker?
That is another tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
[music fades]
[voicemail beep]
- Yeah, hello,
Mr. District Attorney.
This is
Commissioner Jim Gordon.
I wanted to apologize
for the heated words earlier.
I didn't mean to suggest
that I'm happy
about an ocean liner almost
capsizing on my watch.
I'm saying any way
you look at this,
it's a win for us and a setback
for the Penguin.
That ill*gal dump site of his
in the harbor is
a federal crime, right?
And forget it if the Gotham
Star Lines brings a lawsuit.
Cobblepot doesn't have
the legal big g*ns to--
- [clears throat]
Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon.
- Yes?
- You remember we got that tip
about a counterfeiting outfit
in Little China?
- Mm-hmm, you found it?
- Well, we found
the printing press,
but it wasn't counterfeit.
- Are those
wedding invitations?
- Sort of.
Have a look for yourself.
- What the devil does this say?
- Esteemed colleagues
and associates
of the Gotham underworld--
- It is with great enthusiasm
that we announce the merger
of two trendsetting
criminal syndicates
that have become synonymous
with high volume,
four quarter franchise crime
in our greater
Gotham metro area.
[squawks]
- Effective on the second
Tuesday of quarter two,
the estimable Oswald
Chesterfield Cobblepot,
capo of the Iceberg
organization,
is uniting with the august firm
of Dent and Dent,
injury attorney
and injury infliction services.
- There will be no
material changes
in the day-to-day operations
of our protection rackets,
whisper campaigns,
or witness intimidation.
Our kneecapping policy
will remain unchanged.
- If you have any questions
regarding the pending merger,
shove 'em up your nose.
- Thank you for the privilege
of threatening
and/or bribing you in pursuit
of our shared criminal agenda.
We look forward
to a fiscal year
of profitable misery
for all of Gotham City.
[together]
Cobblepot, Dent, and Dent,
look for the sign
of the double-headed eagle.
- Lieutenant, you like coffee?
- Yeah, sure I do,
Commissioner.
- Great, put a pot on.
Then scare up a corkboard,
a box of thumbtacks,
and every file we have on the
Cobblepot and Dent syndicates.
Combined, they control nearly
and with Scarecrow causing
instability for Black Mask...
- What does it mean?
- It means Penguin and Two-Face
are a whisker away
from complete control
of the Gotham underworld.
I'll take milk, no sugar.
[smooth music]
- Gotham City,
if you were forsaken,
you'd be home by now.
Join us once again for a tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
In the Batcave infirmary,
a nightmare unfolds.
[monitors beeping rapidly]
- [frenzied laughter]
I get it, Bruce.
I get it!
I finally get the joke!
[laughing]
- d*ck, you've been poisoned
by the Joker.
You have to stay still
so Alfred
can get the needle in.
- He's crashing, Master Bruce.
Blood pressure, respiration.
What did that fiend do to him?
- Ambush
down by the waterfront.
- [laughing]
I was raised in a circus,
Bruce.
I've been around clowns
my whole life!
But I never got the joke
before tonight!
[laughing]
- Joker hit Robin point-blank
with--I don't know what
he hit him with this time.
It was aerosolized,
sea wasp toxin possibly,
laced with--
- Sir, the antidote is
having no effect.
- Ah, why are clowns funny,
Bruce?
Do you know?
Do you get the joke?
The Joker's joke,
it's the joke he's been
telling the whole time.
- Stay still, Robin.
Alfred, sedative.
- Clowns, they're dead men,
Bruce!
You get it?
The pale white faces,
the rictus grins!
[laughing]
Clowns, they're corpses, Bruce!
Isn't it funny?
We're all gonna die!
You're gonna die,
and I'm gonna k*ll you!
[laughs]
- Alfred, he's seizing.
Give him another 200 ccs of--
- It's no good, sir.
That tranquilizer was meant
for the largest wildlife.
It's--
[monitor flatlines]
- No.
- Sir, I'm so very sorry,
but he's gone.
Master Richard is gone.
Robin is dead,
and it is your fault,
Master Bruce.
- [laughing]
Isn't it funny?
We're all gonna die!
- No!
- Master Bruce!
- [screaming]
- Master Bruce,
you are dreaming!
- [breathes heavily] What?
- You were having a nightmare,
sir.
- Fear not, we have returned
to the waking world
where the Boy Wonder yet lives.
But alas,
the Joker remains at large.
- A very disturbing
and loud nightmare.
- Alfred.
- The Batman lifts his head
from the Batcomputer console
as his expressions of anguish
and panic dissolve
into the stoic mask
of the dark knight.
- Yes, I--thank you, Alfred.
I know.
I have them on purpose.
- I'm sorry, you what?
- I try to have nightmares
intentionally
whenever I'm forced to sleep.
With a micro-dose
of Scarecrow drugs
and various lucid dreaming
techniques I've devised,
I can simulate various kinds
of psychic trauma
and develop
the appropriate defenses.
- You program
your own nightmares?
Sir that is--that's--well--
- It's invaluable
psychological training.
- It's appalling, sir,
with respect.
All this time, I thought
at least when he sleeps,
he gets some peace.
I should've guessed you'd
find your way around that.
- Alfred, you know sleep
is a luxury
I can't afford right now.
Joker goes live tomorrow
with something he's calling
Dark Purple Dawn.
I have to figure out
what Dark Purple Dawn is.
Is it a drug, a poison?
Is it a person or event?
I need to get ahead
of the Joker's plan,
anticipate his thinking.
- Is there any percentage
in anticipating the movements
of a bull inside
of a china shop, sir?
Destruction is inevitable.
- But the Joker is not a bull
in a china shop, Alfred.
He's more like a shark
at a shipwreck.
He's going to bite
where he smells the most blood.
- I was going to suggest
sausages for breakfast.
Melon it is.
- Remember, the Joker lives
to find new ways
to laugh
at the existential joke.
Trouble is,
laughter is a potent drug.
Overindulgence dulls the mind,
sends it to dark places
in search
of once wholesome thrills.
- Well then, if I may,
bless your cotton socks
for never touching the stuff,
sir.
- My point is, no joke remains
funny after repeated tellings.
A cunning comedian is always
looking for a change up
when it's least expected.
But that's where I have
the Joker where I want him.
This time,
I'm going to be the one to zag
when he's preparing to zig.
Computer, pull up sigma
epsilon two index mercury.
[electronic tones]
- Good question.
Vector point seven,
radius point seven,
full spectrum.
- Do you ever spout
meaningless gibberish
at that thing to pull my leg,
sir?
[electronic tones]
- Good thinking,
refine to 0.71
and dilate all residual
heuristic reflux.
- Ugh, you do.
I know you do.
- Here, Alfred, look.
It was painstaking work,
but the evidence
is irrefutable.
- Sir, forgive me,
what am I looking at?
- Finally, Alfred,
it's some insight
into the mystery I've agonized
over for the last five years,
the Joker's past,
his identity before that night
I first encountered him.
He's gone
to extraordinary lengths
to destroy all traces
of the man he was
before the Joker was born,
but this, Alfred,
this is a breakthrough.
When he finds out what I know,
it could mean the end
of the Joker forever.
[smooth music]
- Stop me if you've heard
this one before.
Years ago, a dark knight
chased a red hood
across a high catwalk
in a chemical factory.
The hood fell, and a joker rose
from beneath it.
But who do you think was under
the hood in the first place?
The punchline very shortly,
delivered
with deadpan precision
by the legendary team
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[beep]
- Ace Chemical
marketing department
test reel 3 side A, start.
[beep]
- Are you listless, depressed?
Has all the joy
gone out of your life?
When was the last time
you laughed inside?
[echoing]
- Joy Cure.
- Put a smile in your brain
with Joy Cure,
another chemical solution
from Ace Chemical.
[echoing]
- Joy Cure.
- Ask your doctor if Joy Cure
is right for you.
If he says no, ask him again
after you introduce him to
your friend Dr. Ben Franklin.
See if that loosens up
his prescription writing hand.
It usually does.
Medical school is expensive.
Joy Cure, coming soon
from Ace Chemical.
- "Life and Death
in Gotham City" epilogue.
Now leaving Gotham City,
his majesty King Scimitar I,
a man who was a failure
at being a fraud.
Once a monarch in his own mind,
he is now reduced to nothing
but a single sword
and a set of marching orders,
"leave town or else."
After being wiped out
by Catwoman,
he has spent a wretched week
on the streets...
[thud, man groans]
Trying to salvage
his criminal bona fides.
He was not successful.
- Oh!
- Like so many before him,
Gotham City has hocked him up
and makes ready
to expectorate him
far beyond the city limits.
But this little man
with big ideas,
convicted to exile from
the city he sought to rule,
is about to accept
a strange reprieve.
- Hey, buddy.
Hey, sword man.
- Go away!
- You with the big pigsticker,
hey, I'm talking to you.
Say, aren't you King Scimitar?
- No way, man.
I don't even know
who this King Scimitar is
you're talking about.
And hey, bub, don't you see,
even I have
a way different haircut
than King Scimitar, man, right?
Use your eyes.
- No, you're King Scimitar,
the cavalier of crime,
the sword of Gotham, yeah?
I'd know you anywhere.
- Wait a minute.
I know you, too.
You, I think you're
the Joker's man, yes?
They call you
Charlie Charliehorse, huh?
- Oh, me?
[chuckles]
Eh, I'm just
an old stickup artist.
You know, I was lucky
to be grabbing gumdrops.
Say, I heard about you
and the Catwoman thing,
cleaned you out, huh?
Some bad beef.
You were going places.
- Yes, Catwoman, she ruined me.
- If it's any consolation,
you were far from the first.
Kitty-cat uses all
the small-timers around town
as a personal ATM.
- It's no consolation.
- Hey, no offense.
Even the Joker didn't become
public enemy number one
overnight.
- Yes, he did!
He k*lled the whole Gotham
philharmonic orchestra
with a flamethrower
disguised as a slide trombone.
That's pretty good.
- Oh, yeah, his "When
the Saints go Marching In" bit.
That was a classic.
You're right, strong debut.
Couldn't do that bit today.
It's a different time.
But anyway,
you'll be back, right?
Just a bump in the road
for the king, yeah?
- No way, man.
I was a small-time,
and now I'm ruined big time.
I own nothing but this sword.
I'm on my way right now
to a pawn shop to sell it,
then maybe a bus ticket.
Maybe King Scimitar can
start over in Central City.
I don't know.
Maybe I go home to my native
of Latava.
- That's too bad.
Joker sees real promise in you.
- Who does, Joker does?
Me, King Scimitar?
Joker knows
who is King Scimitar,
that's what you're telling me.
- Oh, sure, he goes nuts for
a fellow with a tight gimmick,
and you, my friend,
got a tight gimmick.
- Yeah, man,
the cavalier of crime,
the sword of Gotham, ha-ha!
I think that's the good stick,
right?
I still got some mileage?
- Oh, no doubt.
- Ah, this Mr. Joker, did
he know how I got this sword,
this special sword here
to--to k*ll the Batman?
See, what I do is I say,
"It's steel was folded
ten thousand times
with the face of the dev--"
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you kidding?
Come on.
He loves that bit, loves it.
- Imagine that, wowie zowie.
You know,
maybe I made a bigger mark
in Gotham more than I think.
- Well, the boss'll be sorry to
hear that you're leaving town,
but it's a good thing
I caught you.
Here, he wants you
to have this,
a little gift from the Joker
in admiration.
- The stunned small-timer
takes a dark purple package
from the nefarious clown's
consigliere.
- Whoa, thank you,
Mr. Charlie Charliehorse.
Please tell Mr. Joker
thank you from King Scimitar.
- As soon as Charlie
is out of view,
the disgraced drug lord
eagerly tears off the lid
of the box to find nothing,
just a soft pop and a cloud
of acrid purple miasma.
- [coughs]
What the--it's nothing.
It's nothing but a box
of purple stink.
Should have known the clown was
just playing a joke, right?
Heh, nothing good ever happen
to King Scimitar.
Now I am late.
Pawn shop gonna close.
- Pawn shop?
Oh, dear cupcake,
how could you?
- The voice is like
a thousand goose feathers
tickling King Scimitar's
happiest memory,
but whose is it?
Where is it coming from?
- Who is that?
- It's me, my sweet, sweet pea.
- Who is--
- Who?
Oh, my sweet, my sugar beet,
you wound me.
Haven't I always been here?
- In a moment,
King Scimitar knows
it is his weapon, his sword.
[high-pitched laughter]
Once it was the most precious
possession he owned.
Then it was the only possession
he owned.
In a mysterious twist of fate,
now he finds it owns him,
body and soul.
- Sword, it's you?
You speak to me?
You are so beautiful.
Oh, beautiful.
- How can you lie to me,
my lamb chop, my lettuce leaf?
I don't feel beautiful.
I'm so cold and hungry.
- I want to give you
everything,
but I have nothing,
only you, my sword.
- What I crave costs nothing,
my pumpkin.
If you love me,
you will give me my fill.
- I shall.
I must!
What is this thing you need,
my love?
- Violence.
- King Scimitar is moved now
by a purpose greater than any.
Whatever King Scimitar
does next,
he does out of mad,
hopeless love.
- I am King Scimitar.
You shall be my queen.
I will wash Gotham City
in a boiling tidal wave
of bloody violence for you,
my sweet Slasha.
That's your name, isn't it?
[high-pitched laughter]
Did I always know that?
[heartbeat thumping]
Queen Slasha.
- I love you, my king.
- I love you, my queen.
- We will do such
pretty things,
but first, revenge
against that wicked kitty,
that homewrecker.
- Catwoman!
- Together, my butterball,
my apple tart, together,
let's see how many ways
there are
to skin a cat.
- As the deranged bladesman
rampages off into the night,
a short distance away,
Mr. Charlie Charliehorse
returns to the tombstone grin
watching the scene
from the shadows.
- Bravo, you did it, boss.
Look at him.
He's head over heels in love
with that strip of tin.
What do you think?
- I think King Ding-a-ling
is a royal moroon,
but he does have
a tight gimmick.
I do go nuts for a fellow
with a tight gimmick.
- I mean, the, uh, experiment,
Dark Purple Dawn,
is it a go, you know,
for showtime?
- We got a green light,
Charlie.
Oh, boy, what a panic
this is gonna be,
a real 101 proof riot.
The very last thing
the Batman will expect is
for the Joker
to b*mb Gotham City
with weaponized love.
[oldies upbeat music]
- Love is strange,
none more so than the love
that takes root
in the toxic soil
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
To be continued.
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
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