- Blue Ribbon Content presents:
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[TV dial clicks,
upbeat music plays]
[click]
- Chance of flurries tonight,
and the crime advisory
not expected
to dip below bright orange
till after the--
[click, piano music plays]
- The International Children's
Goodwill Assembly,
uniting children
around the world
with goodwill internationally.
[click]
- ♪ The day breaks violently ♪
♪ Dark purple shadows long ♪
[click, dramatic music plays]
- Ahh! What is that thing?
- A freak, an abomination,
a tasteless joke told
by nature.
His mother named him
Waylon Jones,
but he had a face
even she couldn't love
and a twisted soul to match.
Now Gotham City knows him as
the sewer-dwelling flesh-eater
called k*ller Croc.
[echoing]
- k*ller Croc!
- And he is at large to prey
on the innocent.
- [growls]
- 18 months ago,
k*ller Croc was released
from Arkham Asylum,
given a job as a dishwasher
in the Narrows,
declared rehabilitated,
and maybe he was
until dinnertime rolled around.
- [growls]
[people screaming]
- Why is this fiend at liberty
under our streets?
Who supported
the furlough program
that set
Waylon "k*ller Croc" Jones free
to eat that poor knitting club?
Who turned him loose
on that retirement home?
Councilman Garland Borkley,
and now he wants to be mayor?
Does Gotham really need a mayor
who's soft on cannibalism
of the elderly?
This election day,
send Garland Borkley a message.
Vote Hamilton Hill.
He doesn't care
what anyone says;
eating people is wrong,
no matter how old they are.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Hamilton Hill
the man for our times ♪
♪ The man for our town ♪
- ♪ Ooh, Hamilton Hill
the man for our times ♪
- ♪ And he's strongly against
consuming your fellow man ♪
- ♪ Ooh, Hamilton Hill,
Hamilton Hill ♪
♪ The man for our times ♪
- Remember, folks,
a vote for Borkley is a vote
for Nana getting eaten alive
by a crocodile guy.
I'm Hamilton Hill,
and I approve this mess--
[static]
[smooth music]
- Gotham City, skyscraper teeth
bite at a red moon.
Join us now for a tale of "Life
and Death in Gotham City."
February 10th.
As Valentine's Day approaches,
a dead man's grin seems to wax
in the night sky
like a Cheshire Cat's.
Just four days remain
until the Joker's latest
murderous theatrical
is to be staged citywide.
Meanwhile, the Riddler grows
frustrated with his failure
to capture
the public imagination,
and his frustration gives rise
to evermore violent plays
for attention.
In Gotham's underworld,
seismic upheaval
as the Penguin is engaged
in all-out w*r
with his gangland adversary,
a badly deteriorating Two-Face,
who has just barely survived
a plunge into Gotham Harbor.
We rejoin our adventures out
at the abandoned zoo
on Amusement Mile.
In the renovated
House of Large Cats,
Catwoman spends
a rare quiet evening at home.
Whilst reclining
on a luxurious divan
amid hoards of stolen loot,
two strange figures
in monks' robes
usher in an arrival.
- Goddess, Goddess!
- Goddess.
Goddess of the silver
astral mystery,
you have a visitor.
- Uh, hi, Catwoman.
I'm sorry
to show up unannounced.
- Vicki Vale, "Gotham Gazette."
Thank you, Nephra.
Thank you, Setka.
That's all.
- The moon is hung in
the heavens for you, Goddess.
- Your glorious dawn shall be
the full moon, my goddess!
- Um, what are those guys?
Are they, like--are those guys,
like, priests or something?
- Acolytes, they worship me.
- They what?
- It's a long story.
The short version is,
I stole this atrociously
adorable amulet,
and don't you know,
a cult of cat worshippers
came along with it.
[chuckles]
As long as I wear
this necklace,
those two cue ba*ls
are convinced
I'm the cat goddess
Nephrashazaradbaba.
- Well, isn't that something?
[laughs softly]
- I don't have the heart
to set 'em straight,
and I don't really do henchmen,
so you know,
this is nice.
[door creaks]
- Your glorious dawn shall be
the full moon, my goddess!
- See?
[chuckles] Nice.
Copy that, Nephra.
So what's up, sister?
Should've called first.
I like you, but I don't really
have an open door policy.
- Well, I don't really have
a door,
so my options are limited
right now.
- Whoa, is that luggage?
Like, is all that your luggage?
[laughs]
Oh, don't tell me...
- Yeah, evicted.
I don't know how,
but Mayor Hill is on to me.
the loss of my rent-controlled
loft is the least of it.
My sources on the street
are clamming up.
He's spending a lot
to keep people quiet.
- I feel for you,
but you don't think
you're moving in here, do you?
- I guess not.
Come on, Gracie.
[cat meows]
We'll try to find
a pet-friendly fleabag.
- The beleaguered journalist
hefts her collected
worldly belongings.
- Seriously?
Is that a cat carrier?
- What, this?
This is Gracie.
Sorry if she disturbed you.
She's 15.
I'd ditch her, but Gracie
and I are kind of inseparable.
I found her half-starved
in a storm drain
in the middle
of w*r-torn Santa Prisca.
I smuggled her out
of the country,
and we've been together
ever since.
Let's go, Gracie.
- [sighs]
Darn it.
I got a pretty serious weakness
in my defenses.
Does everyone know that
about me?
Fine, Gracie and you can stay
just for a little while.
- Thanks, Catwoman.
I owe you,
not that you're hard up.
Good grief,
did you steal all this stuff?
Look at this place.
- Ugh, don't.
It's a dump.
But I'm working on it.
I want to get this waterfall
running again,
and I'm seeing a lot
of Italian marble
and Chinese silk in my future.
- Is this a Georgia O'Keeffe?
- I don't know.
I just like dirty pictures.
- You have good taste,
lots of it.
But I can't imagine choosing
to live way out here.
You're a brave woman.
- How's that?
Well, isn't your closest
neighbor the homicidal comedian
down the road
at the old funfair?
- Oh, I'm not so afraid
of the clown.
Little known fact,
when you go to the circus,
it's the lion tamer
you gotta watch out for.
[tiger growls]
Come here, sweetie.
- Holy safari, Catwoman.
Tiger tamer, you mean.
I hope they're friends
of yours.
- That's just Dagger,
and here comes Shank.
My new girlfriends.
I recently liberated them
from a ding-dong
with a sword gimmick
named King Scimitar.
They're the reason for the
present luxurious surroundings
and the reason why
I'm rounding up a pile
of fast cash
to spruce up the place.
[Joker laughing]
And you know, to put
some new locks on the doors.
Just a single girl and her cats
living alone after all.
- Well, I'm sorry
to disturb your peace,
but I'm not sure
Mayor Hill will stop
at just inconveniencing me.
He sends leg-breakers
after his leg-breakers.
- Listen, don't you think we
should drop this whole thing?
Hill's got his reelection
locked up,
which means he's got
a lot of free back rubs
coming to him
from the criminal underworld.
We can't get at him,
not with this
k*ller Croc scandal
torching Councilman Borkley
in the press.
- Well, unless a bigger scandal
knocks it off the front page.
- You got one handy?
- The Joker was released
from Arkham
almost six months ago,
and sure,
he's kept a low profile,
but he hasn't exactly
stopped murdering people.
You ever wonder why he gets
to live such a quiet life?
- Say I did.
What's your investigative
insight, Scoop?
- There's evidence Mayor Hill
is deliberately keeping
the heat off Joker.
- Get out.
- I'm serious.
- Well, Joker's k*lled a lot
of people
over the last five years.
And the mayor is looking
the other way?
Even seen-it-all Gotham City
won't let that slide.
But for heaven's sake, why?
What's in it for him to let
the Joker do his sick thing?
- I don't know, but together,
we can get the whole story.
- Great, lead the way.
- It's in Penguin's safe
at the Iceberg Casino.
- Ha, oh, okay.
We're not being serious.
- No, I'm serious.
Penguin knows everything,
and blackmail over
this Joker business is what
keeps the mayor dancing
Penguin's jig.
- That's so interesting.
Where else you headed tonight,
Mars, Atlantis,
Paradise Island?
- I thought you were
a cat burglar.
- And what does that mean
to you exactly?
Someone who can walk
through walls,
melt solid steel,
and take point-blank
machine g*n fire
while being viciously insulted?
[chuckling]
Nobody robs the Penguin,
sweetie.
That's why he's the Penguin.
- Well, that's the way
to bring Hamilton Hill down.
- Suddenly, an idea is born,
and it's twins.
- Wait, Harvey Dent, Two-Face.
- Two-Face?
- He's got resources I don't.
He runs an entire
criminal syndicate
second only to the Penguin's,
whose guts he hates.
All I got is
these two coconuts.
- Goddess, Goddess!
- Goddess, Goddess.
- Goddess,
I have iced nectarines
and sugared lemon rinds.
- And I shall lie here should
you wish your perfumed feet
not to touch the ground
when you rise.
- Uh-huh, that's tops, guys.
See, I hear Harvey doesn't
just have an ax to grind
with the bird,
he's got the rock
to grind it on.
I might be able to work
with that.
Just gonna say it once though,
this is a whole lot of ill*gal
you're talking about,
Miss Uptown, crimes up to
and including inciting a riot.
[chuckles]
Think you can hang?
- Catwoman, I break the law in
this crooked town all the time.
The end of the night,
I sleep just fine
'cause when my head
hits the pillow,
there's a little more truth
in this rotten city
than there was when I woke up.
Don't worry about me, Catwoman.
I can hang.
- Hm, game on,
"Gotham Gazette."
Now, let me give you a hand
with that luggage.
- Oh, no, no, no, no need.
Don't disturb the cat.
She's probably--
- There's a name and address
on this cat carrier.
It isn't yours.
- Okay, the cat's
my neighbor's.
- [chuckles] I should've known.
- I pulled the fire alarm
at my building,
and I took the cat
when everyone--
- You sociopath.
A storm drain
in w*r-torn Santa Prisca?
- Hey, I'm pretty sure
I fed her for a weekend once.
- Inseparable?
- You would've said no.
I'm gonna give her back.
I'm not a monster.
- Her name's not even Gracie.
This says Gertie.
- Gertie, gah!
That's it.
Ugh, that was on the tip
of my tongue.
♪ ♪
- In an urban jungle of crime,
the zoo is a refuge
from the wild savagery.
Such inversions are common
amidst "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Gotham Daily Quick Pick ♪
♪ Mega Power Draw Lotto ♪
♪ This time
you're definitely gonna win ♪
- Good evening, Gothamites.
It's time for your lucky lotto
drawing for the night.
And here come
those ping-pong ba*ls
wheeled out to us by
the lovely Celeste Delmonico.
Thank you, Celeste.
Get your tickets ready.
We're just about to--
[g*nshots, people scream]
- Shush, I'm making
an entrance.
Ladies and gentlemen
of Gotham City,
put your hands together for
the commissar of conundrums,
the Julius Caesar
of devious teasers,
the one and only artist
of crime,
the Riddler!
[laughing]
[applause track playing]
- What is that?
Who's doing that?
- Hey, thank you,
thank you, people.
Hey, diddle-diddle,
the bat and the riddle.
How's everybody doing tonight,
huh?
- What is all this--
- Oh, it's not obvious?
You're all hostages.
Ms. Tuesday, if you please.
[g*n c*ck]
- All right, so put your hands
up and everything.
[g*nsh*t, body thuds]
- What the--he put
his hands up, Ms. Tuesday.
So why'd you sh**t him?
- I don't know, I guess
I didn't say I wouldn't.
- Well, no you didn't,
but usually...
never mind.
You have your process.
Well, good evening,
Gotham City.
I'm Eddie Nygma,
that world-famous artist
of crime
also known as the Riddler.
[laughs]
And this, this is my lovely
assistant Ms. Tuesday.
[whistles]
- Ugh.
- So do get your tickets ready,
ladies and germs,
'cause it's showtime,
all right?
Celeste Delmonico, pumpkin...
- [sobbing]
- Go ahead and tumble those
ping-pong ba*ls, will you?
I know you're scared,
but this is live TV, okay?
They pay you to crank,
so crank.
And the first number is...
[ba*ls bouncing]
we have a nine!
The first number is nine.
Ms. Tuesday, would you
do the honors, please?
- Ugh, this is lame.
- You said you wanted
to do this.
You insisted we do this.
- You wish I insisted.
- Oh, no,
you said you wanted to do it.
- I didn't say I wanted
to do it.
I said you shouldn't do it.
- And what, why not?
- Uh, because
you're a cringe fest?
Look, I'll just do it.
I don't even care.
Say it again.
Read the ball.
- The first number is nine.
- Engine, engine number nine,
running down old Gotham line.
If the train should
jump the track,
do you want your money back?
- There we go.
Oh, boy,
this sure sounds like trouble
with the number nine train,
doesn't it?
But hold on, there's more.
Go ahead, Celeste.
It's a crank.
You turn it.
Don't just stand there
letting your nose run.
- [sobbing]
[ba*ls bouncing]
- See, Ms. Tuesday?
This is fun.
This is the artistic part.
Without this part,
we're just criminals, see?
- Whatever.
- You're having fun.
The next number is five.
Ooh, what do we have for five?
- Engine, engine number five,
none on board is left alive.
As it barrels towards a ditch,
who will throw
the dead man's switch?
- Ooh, the five, too.
That's just ominous.
Next is number three.
- Engine, engine number three
accelerates aggressively.
Ahead a light comes into view.
Is that engine number two?
- Uh-oh, that sounds like
a head-on collision.
Well, folks,
your winning numbers are--
oh, we're not done?
Then where are we going,
Celeste Delmonico?
[g*nshots, people gasp]
Get back here, you nut.
Trying to crawl away.
Hang in there.
I know you got one more in you.
Round and round she goes,
and finally, we got...
the loneliest number, one.
- Engine, engine number one.
The engineer has got a g*n.
If he shoots
the brakeman dead,
can Batman stop
the train instead?
Okay, that one was my favorite.
- Oh, you like that one?
- It was decent.
- See?
I told you.
I told you I was cool.
- Oh, my God, just no.
- Once again,
the winning number is 9-5-3-1.
What do you win?
That would be telling.
The good news is, you're all
holding the winning ticket.
Good night and good luck,
Gotham City.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Gotham Daily Quick Pick ♪
♪ Mega Power Draw Lotto ♪
♪ This time
you're definitely gonna win ♪
[smooth music]
- Gotham, the city is an urban
artery opened lengthwise.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
In the pitch-black wee hours
of the new day,
after-hours
at his favorite restaurant,
Osteria Mezzaluna,
sits Two-Face,
his wits decomposing rapidly.
He is beginning to suspect
his only friend has been lying
to him.
- [tossing coin]
Good side.
- Good side.
- [exhales sharply] Good side.
- Ugh!
What are you trying
to do to us, coin?
that's a new record.
That's not normal.
That's not--
- Please, Signore Dent.
You pace so much.
Sit down.
I get you some nice
pelle pitone two ways.
Maybe a nice double martini?
[slams table]
- Is it dinnertime, Vincenzo?
You know we eat dinner exactly
at 2:22 a.m. every night!
How hard is that to remember?
- So sorry, excuse.
Excuse, Signore Dent.
- Something weird going on,
Vincenzo.
We think we might be
going crazy.
- Oh, how can you say this,
Signore Dent?
Two-Face crazy?
This is such a silly idea
that's never occurred
to Vincenzo.
- Our coin, Vincenzo.
I just flipped 14 good sides
in a row, 14.
Does that seem right to you,
Vincenzo?
[bell rings, door opens]
- Evening, Two-Face.
Sounds like you need change
for that dollar.
- Cat.
Hey, Vincenzo.
You let in a stray.
Nothing here for you, kitty.
Now shoo.
- Okay, I'll hang out.
Geez, Harvey, both
of your yous look terrible.
IS this because of the Penguin?
I heard you two were fussing
and feuding.
- Well, you know,
he burned my face off
with a trick umbrella,
so no, we're not too close.
- That's ancient history.
I'm talking about
this last round of horseplay.
I'm not the hall monitor,
but I'm pretty sure I heard
Penguin started it,
and now you're letting him get
to you.
If Oswald Cobblepot is living
in your head now, too,
it's gotta be crowded in there.
- And just where are
we supposed to go
to get the Penguin off
of our mind, huh, toots?
Whole stinking town's talking
about his tacky gala.
- Ugh, it's so tedious.
Ice Age this and Ice Age that.
- Big deal, bunch of idiots
showing up to gawk
at one of them--whatchu
call--hairy elephants,
you know, what's the--
from the caveman times.
- Woolly mammoth is what
he's trying to say.
- [slams table]
Are you making fun of me,
college boy?
- Long story short,
we'd delight in seeing some egg
on that bird's face
tomorrow night.
- Interesting,
what's your play?
- We don't got a play.
- You're just gonna let him
preen all night
in front of Gotham's toniest?
Disappointing, you two.
Seems like a prime opportunity
for some humiliating
criminal vandalism.
- We tried to shut him down
and tie him up in court,
but he got loose.
[tossing coin]
- Bird sees us coming now.
Too much heat, too risky.
- [chuckles] Well, sure it is,
for your operation.
What, Bob and Bub are gonna
pull off that job?
- Okay, get lost, kitty-cat.
Vincenzo, you got a laser
pointer or spray bottle?
See if you can get this puss
to vamoose.
- You're not using
your imagination, Harvey.
You want to send Penguin home
with a limp in his waddle,
yeah?
You know how good I am
at what I do.
I could do it for you.
- Oh, is that so?
Like do what?
- What do you think happens
when you let a cat
into the birdcage?
- A moment passes,
then two voices ring out
in laughter.
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
You know what, puss?
We love it.
- [chuckles]
Doesn't that sound fun?
- We're definitely interested.
Vincenzo,
a chair for the kitty.
And get her anything else
she wants,
a saucer of milk or something.
- Ugh, I'm so tired
of that joke, Harvey.
You can't possibly know.
I cannot sit down
where drinks are served
without hearing that gasser.
- [laughs]
That's 'cause it's funny
because cats like milk.
Anyways, we're guessing
you want access.
- We can get keycards
and disarm codes
to the Iceberg Casino.
And we can get a copy
of the security protocol,
but you're going to have
to put on a show.
- Oh, you'll get two cartoons,
two newsreels,
and a double feature.
- Deal.
- Deal.
- Now all that's left is
to discuss my fee.
- Your fee?
I thought you said this was
for fun.
- I said it'd be fun.
It's not for fun.
I'm obviously not gonna do it
for free, dumb-dumb.
- Hey, who's dumb?
- We're giving you the keys
to a casino full of mob loot.
That's not adequate
compensation?
Do the job
and you take whatever you want
on your way out.
- Ha-ha, you want demolition
and mayhem
and a humiliating spectacle.
I'm not getting out of there
with anything
but my nine lives, gruesome,
best case.
- Bah.
- [chuckles]
And you've proved my point.
You don't know this business,
and you do need my help.
Guess what?
It's not free or cheap.
- Neither would say it,
but both of Two-Face
sees the wisdom in this.
- We'll pay you 20 large
if you really deep-fry
the Penguin's gizzard.
- No, no, no.
You want me to go
pants the Penguin
at his big bar mitzvah,
you'll double that, minimum.
You know how to double things,
right, Harv?
- You're crazy, lady.
You're out there
where the busses don't stop.
- We won't do it.
$20,000's the offer.
- Okay, you drive a hard
bargain, Mr. Harvey Two-Face.
$20,000 it is.
I know you're very particular
about numbers.
Now then, it's almost 2:22 a.m.
Let's eat.
- We're in business.
[snaps]
Vincenzo, bring us
a double cut pork chop,
burned on one side.
- Uh, pink on the other side
with two twice-baked potatoes.
- A double scoop
of chocolate chocolate chip.
- And a couple fingers
of two roses rye.
- You can just say the usual,
Signore.
- No, Vincenzo, we can't.
That's the whole problem.
Anyways, just bring
Ms. Catwoman whatever
she'd like.
- Thanks, Harvey.
Gee, what do I want?
I guess I'll start
with a three-bean salad.
["three" echoes]
- Wait, wait, how many beans?
- And a four-cheese pizza.
- What are you doing?
- Say, can you do
a five-alarm chili?
[numbers echoing]
- You-you shouldn't do that.
- You're ruining our appetite!
- Then a half-dozen oysters.
- [groaning softly]
- And finally,
seven-layer cake for dessert.
- That's...that's cute,
all them ugly numbers.
- I'm hungry.
- Nice try, but it won't work.
The price is firm, $20,000.
- You both agree with that?
- We're not [grumbles]...
we're not paying you more money
to change your dinner order.
- $20,000, final offer.
- Loud and clear, Harvey.
Vincenzo, my good man,
Thousand Island dressing
on the three-bean salad
and a 7 and 7
with a float of triple sec.
- Vincenzo, don't bring any
of that junk to our table.
It's...making us queasy
just thinking about it.
- Okay then, if you prefer,
just put a dozen cookies
in a box
with about 75 pounds of tri-tip
for my cats,
and I'll be off.
- Ah, can't take this
right now.
- A thousand pardons, Harvey.
I'll just 23 skidoo.
- Okay, okay, please,
this is our nightmare.
- We'll pay whatever you want.
Just cut it out.
Please, please,
just bring us back to two.
Bring us back to two.
Bring us back to two.
[echoing stops]
- Cancel that order, Vincenzo.
On second thought,
I'll have what they're having.
Congratulations, Harvey.
For the price
of $20,000 times two,
you just melted Penguin's ice.
- Cat versus bird,
who will prevail
in this classic conflict?
Victory can mean many things
when dealing
with "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[phone ringing,
classical music playing]
- Finally, the caterer!
[quacking laughter]
It's about time,
you culinary cretin.
Where are my gonads?
- I--what?
No, Mr. Cobblepot, this is--
- I ordered 12 pounds
of peeled and poached
sea elephant gonads,
and if the ambassador
from Santa Prisca isn't
enjoying them on Melba toast
tomorrow evening...
- Okay--
- You're going to be
the only caterer in town...
- Sir--
- Who takes all of his own
meals through a tube!
[cackles]
- Uh, Mr. Cobblepot, sir,
I-I'm not the caterer.
It's Mayor Hamilton Hill, sir.
- [squawks] Huh?
Mayor Hi--what?
What are you doing calling me
on my personal line, Hill?
Have you gone barking mad?
I've got a gala tomorrow night
I'm trying to coordinate.
- No, no, no, I know, sir,
and trust me, I am so sorry.
I-I just thought
that you should know something.
I've got a lot of heat on me
right now.
- Oh, really, Hill?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, let me cry you
the blue Nile.
That's what you get
for being a gutless stooge.
- Well, no, no, sir,
but it's real pressure,
Mr. Cobblepot, like Vicki Vale,
"Gotham Gazette" pressure,
yeah.
- [quacks irately]
Vicki Vale.
- And I gotta warn you, sir,
that she knows
you've got the goods on me
and that it's in your safe,
and I know she wants it.
- Well, thank you, Mr. Mayor,
but you realize
you're warning the whale
about a piece of krill.
Vicki Vale is not getting
into my safe,
you dissipated dunce.
- Of-of course not.
[laughs uncomfortably]
She never could.
But I just thought--well,
Catwoman might be helping her.
[chuckles nervously] Um,
Mr. Cobblepot?
Sir, are you still there?
[line beeping]
- [squawks irately]
That's my caterer
on the other line, Hill.
We'll discuss this later
at your nearest inconvenience.
- Yes, sir, Mr. Cobblepot,
and again--
[line disconnects]
Sorry about calling--hello?
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a city built
with bricks and glass,
and b*ll*ts and bombs.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
At the headquarters of the
Gotham City Police Department
in a small basement office
are the fearless men and women
of the b*mb disposal unit.
The grunt work is done
by three b*mb squad detectives
known affectionately
as Team TNT.
[phone ringing]
- Tyson, Terrigan.
- What's the word, Neaves?
- That was Gordon on the phone.
They found yet another
riddle box.
This one's
on a number five elevated,
just like he said
at the lotto drawing.
- Fricking Eddie Nygma.
Why won't that guy take
a half day ever?
- Box is big.
It's the same general
configuration as the boxes
discovered on the one
and the three trains.
This is tough.
Somebody's gotta take
the lead on this,
and I just want to say--
- Detective Neaves looks
at her colleagues
with the grim responsibility
to tell them she is--
- Not it,
totally called not it.
It's Tyson's turn.
- Ah, yes, it would be,
but it is not
on account I traded
my next riddle box
for Terrigan's next
Scarecrow b*mb.
- How did I lose that one?
Scarecrow guy's on the street,
and riddle guy was locked up
in the rubber motel.
- Eh, you bet against
the wizard of crime, Terrigan.
- Nah, he calls himself, like,
the commodore of crime,
I'm pretty sure.
Wait, is it Captain Crime?
- Who, Riddler?
It's the maestro of vice
or something stupid.
And it ain't important
right now, okay?
Game faces, people.
Riddle box.
I don't want my tombstone
to read,
"He was decapitated
by a question mark," you know?
That's not a good death.
- Hey, speaking
of not good death,
you see that Joker vic
they pulled out
of the harbor this morning,
that Polish guy?
- [groaning] Yeah.
- Great day in the morning,
was that once a person?
- Why, Tyson, why do we gotta
talk about the clown right now?
- I don't know, Neaves.
Word is, even the Batman
doesn't know exactly what
he's up to for Valentine's Day,
and that's not good.
- Yeah, man,
I'd trade two Scarecrow bombs,
a riddle box, and anything
the freeze guy's got
for taking one Joker package
off my hands.
- Yeah, at least you know
the Scarecrow's gonna be scary,
and Mr. Freeze is
gonna be cold.
No telling what's
in the Joker package.
- Could be anything.
It's gonna be whatever
he thinks is funny
on that particular day.
Let me tell you a Joker joke.
[suspenseful music]
You guys didn't overlap
with Sergeant Meeks, did you?
He had the pleasure
of dealing with one
of the very first
Joker packages
this crew had to deal with.
- Sure, about five years ago.
- Now, back then we knew
the clown was dangerous,
but we didn't know how
he operated.
So Meeks takes point,
gets the purple box open,
and it's a b*mb, sure enough,
but a b*mb like you never seen.
[b*mb hissing, beeping]
I mean, this thing looks like
a ray g*n crossed
with a time machine crossed
with a whoopie cushion.
It makes no sense.
About the only thing
Meeks recognizes is
a cell phone detonator.
- Well, someplace to start
at least.
- Yeah, except then it rings.
Meeks thinks he's dead.
Btu it's not even a detonator.
It's just a cell phone.
Somebody on the other end
wants to have a conversation.
[Joker laughing]
- Was it him?
- It's him.
It's the Joker.
They chat a while, pretty
normal stuff, considering.
Joker says he finds Meeks
interesting,
wants to know more
about a man who chooses
to disarm bombs for a living.
What does he value?
So he says he'll trade
deactivation instructions
for Meeks' home address.
- Oh, no way.
Oh, no way!
What do you do?
- Well, Meeks about flips
'cause this thing is gonna
take out a city block
in a few minutes.
But then again, his three kids
are at home alone.
[children laugh]
In the end, he agrees.
He's gotta.
He gives the Joker his address.
The Joker tells him
what wires to cut.
- He was sh**ting straight?
- It was a complicated bit
of business,
but it's on a level.
Meeks deactivates the b*mb.
[wires snap]
Then the Joker just says
"expect the unexpected"
and hangs up.
Meeks rushes straight home.
It takes him forever.
Thank God the kids are
all right.
- Yes, thank God.
- But they say they had a visit
from the nicest clown.
- Oh, I don't like this.
- "The clown left us a present.
Can we open it, Daddy?
The clown said to wait
until you got home."
Sure enough,
there's another purple box
on the kitchen counter,
just like the first one.
- What the hell does he do?
- Of course he grabs the kids,
and they are out of there.
He's on the next flight to stay
with his sister in Co-city.
- Man, I'da gone
to planet Krypton.
- So he lands over in Co-city,
gets off the plane.
He's cranky 'cause the kids
are horribly airsick.
And there's a million messages
waiting for him from the team.
- Oh, no.
- "Come back, come back."
Everyone is begging him
to come straight back
to Gotham City.
They got the package open,
and you know what's inside?
Little tiny bottle
with three pills in it
and a handwritten note
on a purple card.
- What?
What did the--
- Two words.
It said "the antidote."
- Oh, f--
- Yep.
Joker had poisoned
his three little kids,
but he left Meeks the antidote
to administer to save
their lives.
All Meeks had to do was
open the box.
"Expect the unexpected."
Of course Meeks didn't get back
from Co-city in time.
He's in Arkham Asylum now.
- Oh, man.
- That's the clown's idea
of funny, Neaves.
Anyway, let's go.
Gonna be a long day.
Three riddle boxes, you know?
Even so,
I'd trade three riddles
for one joke
in this town any day.
[pensive music]
- They say laughter is
the best medicine,
but it turns out medicine is
even better medicine.
This humorous jape is
brought to you
by the perverse comedian
performing every night
on the stage of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[on mic, echoing]
- This Saturday
at Gotham's
fabulous Iceberg Casino,
Oswald Cobblepot invites you
to return to the Ice Age.
[mammoth roars, trumpets]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
[tap shoes tapping]
- ♪ The party started back
a couple ages ago ♪
♪ When the neighborhood
was nothing ♪
♪ But the ice and the snow ♪
♪ She was a proud pachyderm
out shaking her trunk ♪
♪ But they encased her
in a glacier ♪
♪ And we carved out a hunk ♪
♪ She's a mammoth mama,
she's a gala gal ♪
♪ See her frozen patoot,
win a pile of hot loot ♪
♪ At the Iceberg Lounge,
go and tell your pals ♪
♪ It's the night we call
the smoking hot ♪
♪ RSVP to Cobblepot ♪
- The Ice Age Gala
this Saturday
at the Iceberg Casino,
afloat in the center
of Gotham Harbor.
Tickets are sold out,
but how bad do you want them?
Maybe we can work
something out.
[suave music]
- Gotham, a city where
the abyss dares not gaze back.
Join us for a tale of "Life
and Death in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
Deep in the calciferous depths
of the cavernous Batcave,
the Batman is joined at
the console of the Batcomputer
by his young protégé,
the Boy Wonder.
- How was school?
- Ugh, still can't stand it.
Want to run away
and rejoin the circus.
- I sympathize, but Alfred is
not homeschooling you.
Public education
built this country.
Here, have a look at this.
Batcomputer,
gamma four gamma epsilon.
Index 12.2.1.
[electronic beeping]
Thank you, noted.
I'll recode your software
to compensate.
What do you see here, Robin?
- Citywide chaos.
It looks like the Riddler show
is back for season whatever.
Man, that guy is thirsty.
What's the latest?
- Of the four trains
Riddler threatened
during the lotto drawing,
only one was a legitimate
danger to civilians.
none seriously.
When engine number nine did
indeed jump the track--
- And did they?
- Excuse me?
- Want their money back?
- Not now, Robin, please.
I was up all night.
Riddle boxes were found
on the three remaining trains
Riddler mentioned at stations
in the Chemical District.
Here.
- Sionis Plaza, Ace Chemical,
and the "Gotham Gazette."
Anybody get hurt there?
- Not from the riddle boxes,
thankfully.
GCPD b*mb squads are
getting them open as we speak,
but I fully expect the contents
to be harmless,
preening and condescending
but harmless.
- How can you be sure?
- The Riddler's pathological
arrogance compels him
to forewarn of his crimes
in advance, Robin.
It's not a challenge
for him otherwise.
Those train stations
aren't his targets.
They're his signed confession
of the crime
he's about to commit.
- He commits crimes to hype
his other crimes too?
Did this guy steal
the Joker's whole act?
- He's very sensitive
about that accusation, but yes.
Now look at the locations,
Robin.
Gazette, Ace, Sionis--G.A.S.
He's announcing a gas attack.
That's not even coded.
He's boasting.
The attack is likely planned
for the evening rush.
That's in less
than half an hour.
[electronic ringing]
The question is, where?
- Gordon is calling.
- Go ahead, Commissioner.
What do you have?
We need to act quickly.
- Batman, the b*mb squad
finally got all three
riddle boxes opened safely.
- Nothing but messages inside,
correct, Commissioner?
- Just as you said, Batman,
same message all three times.
- A riddle no doubt.
- Just a single question,
"Can you spot the crook?"
- That's it?
"Can you spot the crook?"
In this town,
you gotta be way more specific.
- "Can you spot the crook?"
- The miraculous mind
of the super sleuth
kicks into high gear.
- "Can you spot the crook?"
Interesting.
Stand by, Commissioner.
Riddler's intent is obvious.
[electronic beeping]
- Who are we looking for,
Batman?
Who's crooked?
- Not who, Robin.
He doesn't mean crook
like criminal.
He means a hooked shape,
like a shepherd's crook.
And it's not spot
as in to lay eyes on.
He means to mark with a spot.
"Can you spot the crook?"
If you draw a crook
and then a spot--
- You have a question mark.
How do you do it, Batman?
- Deduction is merely
improvised transportation
on little-used mental roads,
Robin.
- If you say so.
- Now look at this map
of Gotham's gas mains.
Those three train stations,
Gazette, Ace, and Sionis,
are all on the same
city gas line.
- Okay, not good.
The route that pipeline runs is
shaped like a crook.
- And when you mark the spot
below the pipeline crook,
it gives us a location.
- Bruce, the dot
in the question mark,
it's the Wayne Foundation
building.
- That fiend.
The Wayne Foundation is hosting
the International Children's
Goodwill Assembly today.
He's targeting children, Robin.
- Have the Commissioner
evacuate!
- No time, I'm accessing the
Wayne building security system
remotely from the Batcomputer.
Then we can--
[alarms blaring]
- A riot of warnings
and buzzers rises
in a cacophonous chorus
of complaint
from the cave itself.
- Batman, what happened?
The whole cave is
going haywire!
- Some kind of malware
running back along my signal
from the Wayne building
right into our mainframe,
but that's--that's impossible.
No one can hack
the Batcomputer.
[high-pitched static]
[Riddler laughing]
- You did not just call this
the Batcomputer, did you?
[laughing]
- Riddler.
- He's system-wide, Batman!
He can see and hear us.
- Oh, Batcomputer.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
Oh, Batman, I feel like
I just caught you
singing bat showtunes
into your bat hairbrush.
- Communications are down,
surveillance down,
system core.
- Oh, I don't want this
for you, Batman.
It's that thing where
I just want the embarrassment
to be over for you
so I feel better.
- Initiate lockdown protocols.
- [mockingly] "Initiate
lockdown protocols."
[snorts]
Oh, you beautiful lackwit.
[laughs]
Your admittedly rad-a*s rank
is mine now.
It's a sophisticated system,
maybe even challenging.
Talks weird,
but as for "no one can hack,"
please.
I'm the artist of crime.
- He's in at the alpha code
level, Batman.
- I never know how much
comprehension is going on
in that sloping skull
of yours, Batman,
so let me be clear
what just happened.
I am now
in complete remote control
of the fabulous secret Batcave,
and...
- On the huge computer monitor,
Edward Nygma's
cathode ray smile
flickers
with slick self-satisfaction.
- After another
incoming calculation,
I will know
its hidden location.
♪ ♪
- The pasha of puzzlement is
storming the very gates
of Batman's inner sanctum.
- You guys got snacks,
or should I pick some up
on my way over?
[laughing maniacally]
- Will he breach the Batcave?
Stay tuned.
The answer to come
in the next tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
[Riddler continues laughing]
♪ ♪
To be continued.
[upbeat music]
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