- Blue Ribbon Content presents
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[radio static]
- ♪ So if you're down
and you're out in old Gotham ♪
♪ And you got nothing
but your soul left to lose ♪
♪ They got a name for that
in old Gotham ♪
♪ They call it
the Gotham ♪
♪ Infirmary ♪
♪ Blues ♪
- ♪ WGVO ♪
- And now a message
from Gotham City mayor,
Hamilton Hill.
- Good evening,
citizens of Gotham City.
Tonight we announce a bold new
experiment in law enforcement.
Effective immediately,
The Gotham City
Police Department is engaged
in an official partnership
with the self-described
world's greatest detective
known as the Batman.
[paper rustles]
Yep, that's right.
An unidentified civilian will
be helping the city's cops
solve crimes, which,
[breathy chuckle]
I mean, sounds super ill*gal,
but they tell me it's not,
so fantastic.
In order to summon the services
of the Batman,
we will be installing
a bat-shaped searchlight
on the roof of police HQ.
We'll just shine
this Bat-Signal in the sky
whenever we need him.
Seriously, folks,
that's our official arrangement
with this guy.
I mean, he wouldn't give us his
phone number, apparently,
so--you know what?
Maybe the guy doesn't
have a phone.
You know, the guy
with the nuclear rocket car
and all the gadgets
on his belt, yeah.
Well, you know, he's drawing
a city paycheck now,
I guess for, what,
beating the snot
out of turnstile jumpers?
Does this not sound
like insanity to you people?
I mean, I'm reading this thing,
and I'm like--okay, look,
you voted for it, you know?
It was proposition B,
by the way, if you care.
I don't.
[ice clinks in glass]
Anyway, long story short,
we now employ
at the city level
a mysterious man in a bat mask.
And you know,
there's gonna be a creepy light
in the sky all the time now,
and if you see it,
it ain't a movie premier,
all right, kiddos?
It ain't good news.
That's pretty much it.
All right, Gotham pride.
- This has been a message
from Gotham City mayor,
Hamilton--
[radio static]
[soft music]
- Gotham, a glittering web spun
by a conspiracy of spiders.
Join us now for a tale of "Life
and Death in Gotham City."
February 3rd.
After five years
of vigilante crime fighting,
the caped crusader has
begun an official partnership
with the Gotham City police.
They will surely
need his immediate assistance,
as the notorious gangster known
as Two-Face is experiencing
a violent breakdown
after the second anniversary
of his tragic disfigurement.
We rejoin our adventures deep
in the cavernous sanctum
of the secret Batcave.
There is no sign of the master
of the house.
Instead, a young student is
hunched before the towering,
twittering cybernetic miracle
known as the Batcomputer.
[beeping]
- Page down...page down...
index and cross-reference.
- While his classmates
at Gotham Public have
long since
closed their textbooks
and gone to sleep
for the night,
Robin the Boy Wonder
yet toils at his studies.
But no mere schoolwork is this.
- Okay, I read
the entire psychiatric profile
Batman compiled
and his methodology report
cross-referenced
with GCPD forensics.
Have I read all of Batman's
case files about Two-Face?
[negative beeping]
What?
Well, how many pages is that?
[beeping]
Oh, no way.
It's not natural.
Where does a man find time
to write all this stuff?
[beeping]
I wasn't actually asking.
Look, Bruce is too close
to this.
Harvey Dent was
his best friend.
I need an objective rundown
on this guy.
And no more reading
psych reports.
Don't you have
the movie version or something?
[beeping]
- And now it's
Gotham City One's
award-winning documentary...
- Aw, yes!
- Series "Ghosts of Gotham"
with your host Jack Ryder.
Tonight's episode,
"Scarred for Life:
The Harvey Dent Story."
- It's one of Gotham City's
most tragic tales.
A lion-hearted litigator
becomes a fractured fiend.
Once a beacon of hope
for a brighter Gotham,
former district attorney
Harvey Dent is now
one of the city's
most erratic public enemies.
As Two-Face, he's believed
to run a vast criminal empire
within Gotham City.
But a canny combination
of legal genius
and vicious intimidation
has thus far allowed him
to evade arrest.
Harvey Dent was born
to a modest household
in the Gotham Narrows.
His father was a domineering--
- Hey, let's fast-forward
to the--
[fast-forward whirring]
- But all that hope and promise
would come to a violent end.
- Yeah, to the that.
- The date was February 2nd.
The place was
the old Gotham courthouse.
Harvey Dent had
shocked the city
by finding a witness
willing to testify
against a prominent
Gotham businessman
and suspected crime kingpin,
none other
than Oswald Cobblepot.
- [cackling]
- Some call him the Penguin,
though rarely to his face
and never more than once.
It would have been
the biggest conviction
of Harvey Dent's
storied legal career.
Instead, it was the last case
he ever tried.
[crowd chatter, gavel thuds]
- Can you please state
your name for the record?
- The name's Jackson Pratkins.
- Jackson Pratkins,
are you also known
in the Gotham underworld
as the contract k*ller
called Jack Sprat?
- Yeah, that's me.
Jack Sprat, by baseball bat,
by knife, or gasoline.
[crowd murmurs]
That was my gimmick.
But that's not me no more.
I done some bad things,
but I want to make it right.
- That's what we're here
to do today, Mr. Pratkins.
Now, when did you first
accept payment
for ill*gal activities
from Oswald Cobblepot?
- I'm sorry, Cobble-who?
- Oswald Cobblepot.
You may know him
as the Penguin.
- Oh, the casino man,
impresario extraordinaire
Oswald Cobblepot.
I never met him.
- You nev--[chuckles]
Mr. Pratkins, I remind you
you are under oath
and in your sworn statement,
you detailed numerous
criminal transactions initiated
by Oswald Cobblepot.
- Oh, you misunderstood.
Sure, I said Mr. Cobblepot
oughta be in jail
'cause he robs me blind
every payday
at that socko casino of his.
You know Stoveplate Sullivan
plays there
every Saturday night?
Exclusive engagement.
[laughter]
Beat that, folks.
- Mr. Pratkins, you are gonna
be charged with perjury,
and your plea deal will be void
unless you tell this court
the truth.
- Isn't it true that you...
- [muttering]
- m*rder*d Gotham City
Councilman Hubert Wainwright
on orders
from Oswald Cobblepot?
- [sighs]
- And isn't it in fact true
that Oswald Cobblepot himself
was present
at the scene of the crime
as evidenced by this article
of his personal property
recovered by the police?
This very distinctive
custom-made umbrella.
One more chance, Mr. Pratkins.
Can you testify
that this umbrella belongs
to the Penguin?
- Well, since you put it
that way,
hand me that, uh, um-brella,
so I can get a better--yeah,
thank you, counselor.
Oh, yeah, it seems
I do remember something
about Penguin's
special umbrellas.
I remember there's
a little secret button here
on the handle, hard to see,
so take a real close look,
handsome.
- What are you--
- We pause for a moment
to warn our viewers
that what you are about to see
is extremely disturbing.
Parental guidance
is strongly advised.
- Have an acid spritzer, Dent!
- Ahh!
- Courtesy of the Penguin!
- Oh, my heavens!
The umbrella was booby-trapped.
- The district attorney's
been--oh, God!
Mr. Dent, your face!
- Video pause.
- The Boy Wonder,
wise beyond his years,
takes a moment to reflect.
- And just like that,
his mind broke clean in two.
Makes you wonder if we're all
held together on the inside
by what we're made of
on the outside.
Makes me wonder, anyway.
How 'bout you, Alf?
- Ah, well, there's no
getting the drop on you,
is there, Master Richard?
- Indeed, Robin has been
silently joined
by the majordomo
of the household,
the Batman's most trusted ally,
Alfred Pennyworth.
- So you heard me approach
even on my softest cat feet?
Your powers of detection
are rapidly improving--
- Nah--well, yeah,
but this time I more smelled
the grilled cheese
and tomato soup you got, Alf.
Cream of tomato
with a little bit of garlic.
[stomach grumbling]
Whoa, did you hear that?
I think my stomach
just screamed at me.
- Yes, Master Richard,
you've studied through supper
again tonight.
- Really?
That's not like me, Alf.
[slurping, gulps]
I'm worried about me.
- I'd say you're worried
about Master Bruce.
- I know Two-Face isn't just
another psycho gangster
to Bruce.
They were so close.
It's so personal for him.
- As you know, Master Bruce
believes in the good
inside all people.
Nowhere does his commitment
to this bring him more pain
than in the tragic case
of Harvey Dent.
- Do you think he goes easy
on him, Alf,
'cause they were friends?
- I know that he does not.
- Yeah, but how do you know,
Alf?
On the roof of Yin and Yang's
last night--
- On the roof of Yin and Yang's
last night,
I understand a man's life was
saved by a lucky coin toss.
- Yeah, guy caught
a lucky break.
- Did Master Bruce tell you
what would have happened
had he not?
- No.
- Master Bruce told me
he had decided
that the very instant that coin
revealed itself unfavorably,
he and Mr. Dent were going off
the edge of that roof
and down six stories
into a trash strewn alley.
- Yow!
Dent would have been
lucky to survive,
and I don't even know
if Bruce could--
- He was going to do
what he always does,
put himself between Gotham City
and any b*llet fired
at his fragile heart,
no matter the permanent damage
he may suffer.
[beeping]
- I don't know.
I'll ask.
Hey, Alf, are you staying?
- Am I staying?
Am I to understand
that machine is asking?
[beeping]
- Yeah, 'cause if you are,
it says,
take a seat 'cause you--
- I what, precisely?
- You irritate the Batcomputer
when you just,
you know, kind of stand around.
- Oh, do I irritate that
abominable electric gremlin?
I hope I give it ceaseless
digital nightmares.
- Suddenly,
with nary a breath of air,
the ambient gloom reveals...
- Give Alfred your seat, Robin.
- Batman!
Did you hear him come in, Alf?
'Cause I did not.
- We're taking the Batmobile
downtown.
Gear up and meet me on
the platform in three minutes.
- You're dialed all the way up
on this one, boss.
- There's already a problem
with the new Bat-Signal
at GCPD HQ.
It's the Joker.
He's back.
- With a whispering noise,
he again disappears
into the darkness.
- Alfred, you said Bruce
believes in the good
in all people.
Does that count even--
- I misspoke, Master Richard.
- Ah, I was afraid you were
gonna say that.
Two-Face is a maniac,
but he knows it.
The Joker, he's so--
- At peace with his torment,
sir?
- More like strengthened by it.
Do you think he knows how crazy
he is, Alf?
The Joker,
does he know how sick he is?
- No, Master Richard, in fact,
the Joker is very much worse
than ignorant of his depravity.
He thinks he's cured.
He believes he used
to be hopelessly lost.
Then he met Master Bruce.
Now he believes everything
makes sense.
♪ ♪
- Deep down, don't we all fear
that the lunatic knows a truth
the sane man does not?
That would mean sanity is built
upon a lie.
But if that is true,
then truth is indistinguishable
from the ravings of a madman.
A brief pause
to disentangle that conundrum
as we ready ourselves
for the next tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
[music fades]
[line trills]
- Thank you for calling
the Gotham City
Feline Rescue Shelter.
All our volunteers are busy
right meow,
but no kitten,
someone will be right with you.
- Meow-she, meow-she,
Gotham City Feline Rescue.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, listen.
I want to make a donation.
- Well, that's just purr-fect,
sir.
I can help you with that.
May I have your name?
- I'm not giving you my name,
lady.
I said I want
to give you dough.
What's with the third deg--
[whip cracks]
Ow!
Okay.
I'll tell--okay, I'll tell her!
[panting]
My name's Harrison Pignuckle.
- Boss Pignuckle, the slumlord?
From the Narrows?
- Come on, slumlord?
That's liable, lady.
I got--
[whip cracks]
Ahh!
Okay, okay.
Slumlord is probably fair,
probably--
Okay, so please help me out.
I want to give you a donation,
so that you can save
the kitty-cats or whatever.
- That's very generous,
Boss Pignuckle.
What size donation would you
like to make today?
- I don't know.
I was thinking like 40 large.
[whip cracks]
Yow!
Like 80 large, maybe--
[whip cracking]
Ahh!
Okay, okay, okay.
An even hundred.
Please, what will
make you stop?
- My goodness, sir!
You're gonna make a bunch
of fuzzy widdle pussycats
so very happy.
Now, may I pause to put you
on hold for a meow-ment?
- What? No!
Please don't take long!
[jazz music]
- I will be darned--hey,
Margaret, Janice!
Guess what?
Catwoman,
she got us another one!
[laughter]
♪ ♪
- Gotham, a flawless diamond
on a rattlesnake's back.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
[soft dramatic music]
To distant observers
of the Gotham skyline,
the headquarters of the Gotham
City Police Department
rises high like a lighthouse
set upon the concrete shore
of an angry glass ocean.
But any ships depending
upon its light tonight
would be doomed
to wrack and ruin
for pitch-dark is
its only offering.
Commissioner of police
James Gordon is prepared
to light a candle and to curse
the darkness if need be.
♪ ♪
- I mean, we just finished
installing the signal,
what, this morning.
When did that giggling lunatic
have time to--
- [indistinct speech]
- Well, obviously,
I've got the b*mb squad
coming up,
and no, I'm not evacuating
myself any further.
We promised
the first official lighting
of the Bat-Signal tonight.
And I'm gonna be here
to explain to the Batman
why we didn't deliver.
- [indistinct speech]
- Because I'm police
commissioner, sergeant.
That makes me the Batmanager.
- [indistinct speech]
- Well, was it funny?
Well then,
I wasn't trying to be funny.
- The newly installed
Bat-Signal is
a repurposed naval destroyer
searchlight
capable of producing a beam
of up to 68,000 lumens.
That is, when it is
not lovingly wrapped
in purple polka dotted
wrapping paper
and tied
with a bright green bow.
- Sure, it looks like it could
be rigged to explode.
This is the Joker
we're talking about.
Anyway, he said he'd be here
any minute.
- [indistinct speech]
- No, not the Joker--Batman.
On the phone just now.
Of course he has a phone.
- What's the situation,
commissioner?
- Oh, sweet bride of Joseph!
How did you--and the kid, too?
- Good evening,
Commissioner Gordon.
- You two snuck up on me
on top of a skyscraper.
Well, that is borderline
not credible.
- I see the Joker got
to our signal
before you could use it.
- Yeah, I don't have any
excuses to offer you, Batman.
We came up tonight
to turn it on like we planned,
and well, there it is,
gift wrapped and strewn
with flower petals.
It's almost romantic?
- I don't have time for
his perverted theater tonight.
He thinks the world is his
private "Punch and Judy" show.
- Well, the b*mb squad is
on their way up.
They're my best--no, no, no,
no, no, Batman, what you--
- Without hesitation,
Batman relieves the Bat-Signal
of its gaudy exterior.
Underneath,
all seems undisturbed,
except resting atop the massive
bat beacon is...
- What is it?
- It's a music box.
- Are you sure it's a--
[delicate music]
Okay, yeah, that's a music box.
- As the metallic melody shreds
the nighttime stillness,
the Batman grits his teeth.
- I thought so.
It was just a matter of time.
- Okay, that's bad.
- That's bad?
What's bad?
What is it?
- It's the waltz.
It's--
- It's Strauss,
the waltz from his opera,
"Die Fledermaus."
- Die Fleder--what now?
- It's German, means "The Bat."
- There's a bat waltz?
- It means the Joker is ready
to resume the dance.
- Okay, so should I know
about the dance?
- Oh, you're gonna hear
about the dance.
- It was the second time
I'd faced him.
You remember,
he'd gone away to Arkham once,
but they had no idea
what they were dealing with.
The Joker broke out of maximum
security in nine hours.
Evidence indicates
he only stayed
on the premises that long
to pick off
extra staff as they showed up
for the late shift.
He hunted down
and strangled everyone
on the faculty softball team.
For some reason, he found that
devastatingly funny.
[Joker laughing]
- Two days later,
I cornered him
at the Archer Park
sky tram terminal.
He was filling the cable cars
with department store
mannequins arranged
in obscene poses.
- [gasps]
- [laughs]
- Joker was convulsing
with laughter.
- [laughing]
- I admit it,
I was careless, emotional.
I didn't care what
his sick setup meant.
I wasn't gonna give him time
to ramble to a punchline.
[blows landing, grunting]
I took him down
without a struggle.
So it was only a moment later
that I realized
he'd stuck me with something.
I don't know how a needle got
through my suit,
but it did.
[breathing heavily]
[Joker laughing]
[laughter slows]
I suddenly felt
an electrical fire
in my central nervous system.
[grunting]
I knew instantly
it was a curare derivative
edged with some
psilocybinoid compound.
[Joker chuckles]
But this was just
useless knowledge swirling
with the rest of my mind
down the drainpipe.
I was paralyzed.
He could've finished me,
but it was clear
that was the last thing
on his mind.
[Joker laughs]
He crawled over to me.
He whispered in my ear.
He said he had a dream.
- He had a dream...
- [distorted] I had a dream
the night we met.
- He said he...
both: Dreamed we were dancing
the waltz at a feast
at a funeral,
and all of Gotham City
was there.
- Mayhem and violence locked
in embrace.
And we'll keep dancing
until Gotham is in ruins,
and we are redeemed
by the madness we share.
[laughs]
- I came to.
He was gone.
But as I shook off his drugs,
I felt like I'd just woken
from his dream, too.
[radio chatter]
- Okay, well,
this complicates things.
You picked a heck of a time
to go on the clock
with the GCPD, Batman.
Two-Face is losing his grip,
Catwoman is treating
every two-bit racket
in town like
her own personal candy shop,
and now the Joker.
About the only good news
I have to report is
we may finally get somewhere
with prosecuting the Penguin.
We have a witness willing
to testify.
- Ask Harvey Dent about
a suddenly cooperative witness
against the Penguin.
- No, no, no,
this time he's clean.
It's no less than
Senator Morgan Montgomery.
Since we lost Thomas Wayne,
rest his soul,
he's the closest thing
to a moral compass
Gotham's seen in a long time.
Penguin can't get to him,
I'm sure of that.
- Hm, we'll see.
Report any new Joker activity
to me immediately.
Time is of the essence.
I just wish we knew
how much time we've got.
- We do, until Valentine's Day.
The Joker is going to attack
the city on Valentine's Day.
- What?
How do you know?
[winds music box, music plays]
- The waltz, Robin, you notice
something off about it?
- You're right, Batman.
It's in the wrong key.
- Yes, it's in B minor.
- B minor?
Holy stalker alert.
I get it now.
This whole stunt, the flowers
and the gift wrapping,
this is a Valentine to you,
Batman.
- A Valentine and a threat.
- What threat?
- B minor, commissioner.
The Joker is saying,
"Be mine or..."
- Or what?
- We have 11 days
to figure that out.
[smooth music]
- Rages are red.
Violence are, too.
On the feast day
of St. Valentine,
the Joker comes a-courting.
Will he have Batman's heart?
The answer in a future tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
- The following is
a dramatization,
but the subject is
all too real.
We apologize for the coarseness
of the language.
Nevertheless, it is authentic,
we believe,
to the teenagers of Gotham
City's public schools.
- Say, look alive there,
you sorry lot of nincompoops!
- Why, it's our straight arrow
schoolmate Clean Pete
giving us the business.
- Yeah, hi, Pete.
- What's the news,
Clean Pete?
- Why, I've just had a windfall
of a small but tidy sum.
What do you say we go see
a scary creature feature
at the Monarch Theatre?
- A creature feature?
[scoffs]
- Boo!
- Snoresville!
- Go find a windowsill
and dangle.
- You got too many points,
you cube.
- We're going to a creature
feature in real life
with these swell
Scarecrow drugs.
- Scarecrow drugs?
- They take you
on a spook house ride
through your mind, daddy-o!
- Want to try some?
- Like all addicts,
we're eager to give away
our drugs for free!
- I don't know if I should.
- Your teenagers know them
by many names:
October surprise,
Jack Pumpkinhead,
skeleton dust, trick, treat,
candy corn,
ghosties, and witchers.
They're Scarecrow drugs,
designer narcotics
which give users intense
adrenaline-charged episodes
of panic and euphoria.
And they're in Gotham's schools
and on her playgrounds.
Talk to your children
about Scarecrow drugs.
Tell them it's not neat-o
to take a fright trip,
and it's not cool
to kick a daymare.
Tell your teenagers
if they feel pressure
to take Scarecrow drugs,
they should just say
"GLARBIMACTAFIN."
It's the with it way
to say "no way."
GLARBIMACTAFIN stands for:
"Get lost, all right, buster?
I made a choice to abstain
from ill*gal narcotics."
- GLARBIMACTAFIN!
[upbeat piano music]
- ♪ If you missed it,
we'll say it again ♪
♪ That word is GLARBIMACTAFIN ♪
- Hello, Gotham City.
I'm Mayor Hamilton Hill
reminding you
if you want to keep Scarecrow
drugs off the street,
that word is GLARBIMACTAFIN.
Seriously?
What, did a cat walk
across a typewriter?
What am I reading here?
How is anyone gonna
remember this?
Mother Mavis, how much did
we pay for this campaign?
How much?
You know what?
Hey, forget it.
We're going with GLARBIMACTAFIN
apparently.
Hay, Paul, great work.
You too, Phil.
The amazing Peabody brothers,
everyone.
No, I'm not being sarcastic.
No, no, no, I'm not.
No, GLARBIMACTAFIN--
GLARBIMAC--am I say--
GLARBIMACTA--
no, it's great, Paul.
It is.
You know what it sounds like?
Diarrhea medicine.
[snorts]
Scarecrow drugs.
[drink sloshes]
[gulps, sighs]
Can't kids just get drunk
like we did in school?
You know, something wrong
with good old booze, huh?
Why do they have to fry
their brains with the chemicals
that masked psychopath
keeps pumping out?
No, I'm not doing another take.
Use this one, go ahead.
- This has been a message
from the mayor's council
for drug abuse.
[smooth music]
- Gotham, a city where birds
of a feather
all cook in the same pot.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
[music fades]
An elegant brownstone in one of
the few remaining neighborhoods
unblighted by Gotham's
criminal malaise.
Senator Morgan Montgomery
is concluding a meeting
with the assistant
district attorney
before his court appearance
tomorrow.
- Is that all you'll be needing
from me?
- That's all for tonight,
Senator.
You need your rest.
It's gonna be a long day
of testimony for you.
With your help, we can
finally make some charges
against this mafioso stick.
- I'd be happy to do it.
Oswald Cobblepot is the rot at
the heart of this great city.
And the first step
of its rehabilitation
is his swift excision.
- It's not everyone who would
stand up to the Penguin
in open court.
- The Penguin.
Oswald Cobblepot is a bully
and a thief hiding
behind a tissue-thin veneer
of respectability,
and it's time more people
in Gotham City knew it.
- There are bound
to be reprisals
from the Gotham underworld.
Oswald Cobblepot will try
to get to you.
- This isn't some back room
in his ridiculous
frozen casino.
He doesn't scare me.
Here, let me get the door
for you.
Oh, council,
you forgot your umbrella.
- Thanks, but you're mistaken.
I didn't bring an umbrella.
Good night, senator.
- The bewildered legislator
stares
at the strange umbrella
in his hand.
How did it get
in his umbrella stand?
Was it there before?
Such is his confusion
that he almost fails
to notice the note attached.
- What's this?
"From the desk
of Oswald Cobblepot."
What is this?
- Elegant script inked
in a steady hand
onto the finest vellum.
It reads...
- Bonsior, Senator Montgomery.
Please accept this umbrella as
a token of my limitless esteem.
It is my ardent hope
that an umbrella is sufficient
to deflect the consequences
should the dark clouds roll in.
I myself always carry
an umbrella.
Sometimes, I carry two
because it is a sad truth
that the cruelest devastation
can thunder down
out of the clear blue sky.
Here's an interesting fact.
Certain bush tribes
of New Guinea
must blindfold
their infant children
when they're outdoors.
Do you know why?
It's because in that part
of the world,
the nankeen kestrel bird is
known to swoop down suddenly
and pluck out
their babies' eyeballs,
which they devour on the spot.
[bird shrieking]
You and your wife Mary
have a baby,
don't you, Senator Montgomery?
What a coincidence,
I have a nankeen kestrel bird.
[bird screeches]
[quacking laughter]
Kindest regards to you
and yours, Oswald Cob--
- There you are.
What are you reading?
- Oh, Mary.
You startled me.
- Not so loud, dear.
[baby cries]
Oh, you woke the baby.
What is it, darling?
What are you reading there?
You look positively ashen--
- Nothing, dear, nothing.
Go back--go back upstairs.
And for God's sake,
close the skylight
in the nursery tightly.
I need to make a phone call.
[rotary dial whirs]
[line trilling]
Yes, this is
Senator Montgomery.
I'd like to leave a message
for the assistant DA.
No, it can't wait
until court tomorrow.
Because I won't be
in court tomorrow.
♪ ♪
- In Gotham, the rain falls on
the just and the unjust alike.
But only the Penguin
holds an umbrella.
Such is "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
"Life and Death in Gotham City"
epilogue.
On the rooftop
of GCPD headquarters,
the brand-new Bat-Signal has
been completely disassembled
and inspected
by the indefatigable members
of the b*mb disposal unit
to ensure the Joker left no
unpleasant surprises behind.
- Well, yeah,
I'd say that's it, Neaves.
Just check "no"
on all the forms.
There's no trip wires,
no charges of any kind,
no chemical residue,
no k*ller jack-in-the-boxes.
- Jacks-in-the-box?
- Let's say jacks-in-boxes.
Just put down
no jacks-in-boxes.
- Can you believe this is
how we spend our nights now?
The first line of defense
against lethally bad jokes.
- That does make you think.
I got to admit it,
I never thought about it
before the whole Joker
nightmare started.
- Thought about what?
- I mean, about how laughter is
like a kind
of temporary insanity.
- Aw, brother, here we go.
- No, the Joker might be
onto something.
Think about it, have you ever
just-just lost it laughing?
Like, worried you're gonna
pass out or wet your pants.
I mean, if that's not losing
your marbles, then what is?
- Wait, have you been reading
those weird flyers
he leaves around town,
Terrigan?
Yes, you have.
- No, heck no.
Those things'll
drive you crazy,
but you know,
sometimes I do catch 'em
on the TV or the radio when
he hacks into the broadcast.
- Can we not do something
about that, by the way?
- Don't get me started.
- I mean, psychopaths are
always hacking
into the public airwaves
in this town
and spouting their kooky poems
and riddles and codes
and whatever the heck,
and I work a ten-hour shift,
and I gotta deal
with this bologna
when I'm trying to relax?
- My thoughts exactly, right?
I'm trying to watch Jack Ryder
one night,
and the signal breaks up,
and then suddenly,
it's just Joker just sitting
at a desk, right?
Just silent.
Maybe a clock was ticking.
I don't remember.
But the Joker doesn't
say a word.
He just starts pulling
all these cheap novelty gags
out of a paper sack, right?
And arrange 'em, just, pah,
pah, arranged 'em on his desk.
You know, the chattering teeth,
and an arrow through the head,
and a rubber chicken,
can of spring-loaded snakes.
You know the stuff.
It's all that stuff.
He laid it out, all the junk,
and that was it,
just stared at the camera for,
like, another two minutes.
Then it was over.
- Weirdo.
- I don't know, Neaves.
You didn't see it.
All those corny jokes there
sitting there lifeless
on the desk,
it wasn't funny.
It was a wide awake nightmare.
The human teeth
and a bird carcass
and the snakes, and I think
there was fake vomit.
This heap of sick trash looked
like it came out of a trunk
of a serial k*ller's car,
and they were supposed
to be jokes.
And then all of a sudden
I've got it.
The joke is,
it's all a horror,
and if you're laughing,
you've lost your mind.
- That's real fricking
cheerful, Terrigan.
- Let's just say, I stick
to the cowboy movies now.
I don't take in a lot
of comedies.
Who knows if one day I'll start
laughing and never come back?
- Detective Neaves reaches
for an easy response
to this seemingly
absurd concern,
but she comes up empty-handed.
Fortunately, Gotham City
decides to change the subject.
[crash]
- Holy crow, what was that?
- Sounds like
a structural collapse,
transformer expl*si*n.
[people screaming]
There's smoke rising
near Arkham Asylum.
Sure looks like a breakout.
- Always Arkham Asylum,
always a breakout
with that place.
- Neaves, I think we better
get this signal thing
put back together pronto.
This one's gonna be
for the Batman.
[sirens wailing]
- As sirens wail to life,
a distant sound is heard
somewhere in the city below.
Muffled laughter,
or is that sobbing?
And how is it possible
to confuse the two?
That mystery
forms the central axis
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
To be continued.
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
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