01x13 - From Catwoman with Love/Perilous Playthings

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The Adventures of Batman
with Robin, Boy Wonder.

Batman and Robin, Dynamic Duo
against crime and corruption...

...whose real identities
as millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne...

...and his young ward, d*ck Grayson...

...are known only to Alfred,
the faithful butler.

Ever alert, they respond swiftly
to a signal from the police.

And moments later, from the secret Batcave
deep beneath Wayne Manor...

...they roar out
to protect life, limb and property...

...as Batman and Robin,
caped crime fighters.

Batman and Robin,
scourge of Gotham City's kooky criminals:

The Joker, Clown Prince of Crime.

The Penguin,
pudgy purveyor of perfidy.

And the cool, cruel Mr. Freeze.

Watch out, villains,
here come Batman and Robin.

NARRATOR:
Gotham Municipal Park...

...where, in an exact replica
of a small French castle...

...the famous jewels
of King Charles the Great are on exhibit.

Beautiful, aren't they, Mr. Wayne?

And priceless too,
Commissioner Gordon.

Are you sure they're quite safe
from robbery?

Ha, ha! Indeed.
We've organized maximum police security.

Besides, this glass is wired
to an alarm system...

...so sensitive,
one footstep, one touch, will set it off.

Sounds like maximum security, all right.

NARRATOR:
But d*ck Grayson has spoken too soon.

For, at this very moment,
in her hideout outside of Gotham City...

...the Catwoman lays a bold plan
before her henchmen.

Tonight we steal the crown jewels.

What? The crown jewels?

Impossible.

How?

Nobody can get into that glass room
without bringing every cop in the city.

[MEOWS THEN LAUGHS]

We don't try to get into the glass room.

We take the whole works, castle and all.

NARRATOR:
Later that night, in stately Wayne Manor.

You look worried. What is it?
The crown jewels?

Yes. Even though the police protection
and the alarm are superlative.

You'd feel better if we double-checked?

You read my mind.

Beat you to the Batcave.

CASEY: You know, Murphy, no crook in his
right mind would attempt to rob this place.

You're right, Casey.

Hey, what's that?

Saints preserve us!

They're stealing the whole castle!

[g*nshots]

-g*nshots?
-Yes. Coming from the park.

-Batman, look.
BATMAN: Incredible.

To the scene of the crime.

I tell you, Batman.

It was over and done
before a body could turn around.

"Now that the jewels are mine,
I'll deal with the highest bidder.

The Catwoman."

Tell commissioner we'll be in touch.

Let's go, chum.

What do we do now, Batman?

We do nothing.

Bruce Wayne is going to do a little business
with our feline friend.

What a perfect evening.

Those gems will make us rich
beyond dreams.

We're over the hideout, Catwoman.

Lower away.

Drop the camouflage net.

Word's out.
I alerted all our underworld contacts...

...that Bruce Wayne is ready to do business
with Catwoman.

We should be hearing from her soon.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in
his secret hideout, the Funhouse...

...the Clown Prince of Crime
reads of the Catwoman's caper.

Oh, that's rich.

What a magnificent crime.

I wish I had pulled it.

As a matter of fact, I think I shall.

[LAUGHING]

NARRATOR:
Now, back at Wayne Manor...

...a shadowy figure stealthily st*lks
the library entrance.

CATWOMAN: One false move, Mr. Bruce
Wayne, and you're in for a long catnap.

I'm not armed, Catwoman,
and as promised, there are no police here.

Purrfect.
Then we can have a nice little talk.

Now, what is your offer
for the crown jewels?

One million dollars.

Attractive.

But before I accept,
I want to hear a few other bids.

Very well. But as a sign of good faith...

-...here's a down payment of $100,000.
-Mm.

A pleasure to do business with you,
Mr. Wayne.

I'll be in touch.

BRUCE: Yes, I know you will, Catwoman,
and much sooner than you think.

-Did it work?
-Perfectly. I planted a homing device on her.

Give her a head start, then track her
with the Batmobile radar system.

-How did you plant the homing device?
-Ha-ha-ha.

As a matter of fact, d*ck,
it cost me $100,000.

CATWOMAN:
Purr. A hundred thousand big ones.

I like the way that man operates.

Lovely, cat lady.

You must take me in as your partner
on the crown jewels caper.

Aah! Are you kidding, Joker?

I'll be your sales agent.

I'll guarantee you top dollar.

Forget it, you creepy comic.

Who needs you?

Sometimes I'm so clever I can't stand it.

From now on, my dear feline friend...

...whither thou goest, I will go.

ROBIN: The signal blip's stopped moving.
-Means she's back at her hideout.

And unless I miss my guess...

...the castle is close by.

JOKER: The joke's on me
if the castle and the jewels...

...aren't under that camouflage net
yonder.

Okay, but how are we gonna get
into the glass room for the jewels...

...without setting off the alarm?

We're not going to enter the glass room,
my good man.

These fellows are gonna do it for us.

They're trained to respond
to a dog whistle.

Hey, we got company.

-This is it, Robin.
-Let's go get them.

But quietly. We need the element
of surprise on our side.

Ha, ha! The caped creeps.

Pulling the old element-of-surprise bit.

-We'll fix that.
-What are you doing?

JOKER: Sending a note to the Catwoman
to warn her.

Then, while she's busy
taking care of them...

...we'll take care of the crown jewel.

Mm. What do you think, pet?

Should we grab Wayne's million
and call it a day? Or should we--?

[SNARLING]

"Sharpen your claws, Catwoman.
The Dynamic Do Dos are about to drop in."

Places, everybody.

ROBIN:
There's no one here, Batman.

Guess again, Boy Wonder.

Robin, look out.

Heh, oh, this is almost too easy.

Well done, boys.

The cheese will be on me.

HENCHMAN:
Those guys don't know when to quit.

As of now they do.

Stand clear.

NARRATOR: It certainly does look like quits
for the Dynamic Duo.

Don't miss the exciting conclusion,
coming up next.

NARRATOR:
While unknown to her...

...the Joker was stealing the results
of her lawless labors...

Ha-ha-ha!

NARRATOR: ...the fiendishly foul Catwoman
prepares to seal the doom...

...of the overcome and unconscious
Caped Crusaders.

Now, moments later...

...the feline felon discovers
she has been robbed.

[HISSES]

The Joker. It could only have been he.

Come, we must find him.

We ain't got a chance.

He's got too much of a head start.

Besides, we don't even know
what direction to look.

You forget, we have our own expert
in tracking rodents.

Come, cheetah, I have work for you.

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, trapped inside the cave...

...the Dynamic Duo
slowly regain consciousness.

-Robin. Robin, are you all right?

I guess so...

...but let's get out of here.

I'm itching to catch up
with that cat lady and her pack.

Easier said than done, chum. She's sealed
off the entrance with a landslide.

Holy dilemma.

It's a big risk but our only chance.

Give me your Bat-grenades.

He's got the scent now.

Rev up the copter.

Go, get the mice, pet.

Let's go. Keep the cat in sight.

[SNARLS]

What a wonderful country, this.

Where else
could a red-blooded boy like me...

...outwit the Catwoman...

...make off with a million dollars' worth
of jewels...

...and make fools of Batman and Robin
in the bargain?

You're gonna use a Batarang
to set the grenades off?

BATMAN:
Check. When they explode, run for it.

We've got to get out
before this whole mountain comes down.

-Ready?
-Ready as I'll ever be.

Blast!

-I'm glad I'm not still in there.
-Likewise.

Come on, chum. Let's blow this place
and get back on Catwoman's trail.

Good, she's still got the homing device
on her. Give her the g*n, Robin.

-Look, the cheetah's leaving the road.
-Of course.

He's just taking a short cut.

Now that grinning goon
is going to get his.

[LAUGHING]

What a lovely feeling...

...to hold a cool million dollars'
worth of jewels in my lap.

You know something, Joker?

I got a crazy feeling
we're being followed.

Look. Behind us.

Catwoman's cheetah.

That female fiend is after us.

It's catching up to us, Joker. Step on it.

What do you think I'm doing?

They're trying to get away.

Close in for the k*ll.

The Catwoman,
she's right on top of us, Joker.

Get away, you foul feline!

Get away from me!

[LAUGHS]

Let me give you a lift, Mr. Funny-Man.

What are you doing? Let go of my car!

CATWOMAN:
Lift them up!

-Now what?
-Head for the river.

They've changed direction, Robin.
Make a quick left.

You wily wench,
you'll pay dearly for this.

[CATWOMAN LAUGHING]

My, but he's in a foul temper.

Let's cool him off a little.

-Dunk him.
-My pleasure.

[BOTH COUGHING]

What are you trying to do, drown me?

Not a bad idea, Joker.

And that's exactly what I will do...

...unless you turn those jewels
over to me at once.

No! No!

I stole those jewels fair and square.

They're mine now.

Fat lot of good they'll do you
at the bottom of the river.

Now, do I get the jewels
or do I dunk you like a doughnut all night?

Ugh! You win, you wicked witch!

-Pull me up!
-Lower the rope ladder.

Batman, look.

BATMAN: So the Joker's got
his sticky fingers in this too, eh?

-Yeah. They're both getting away.
-Not yet.

Stand by for Batapult. With luck,
we can catch on to those pinchers.

-All set?
-Fire away.

Flip up and in through the door.

-I'll get them from this side.
-Check.

If we don't take them by surprise,
we never will.

We will. One doesn't expect company
to drop in while flying in a helicopter.

I promise you, you vile vixen...

...I'll pay you back for this.

Meow. Now, now,
don't be a poor sport, Joker.

And the same to you, Catwoman!

-Batman. The Dynamic Duo.
-It can't be.

Stop. I don't know how
you got out of that cave...

...but I guarantee
you won't get out of this alive.

BATMAN:
Don't bet on that.

All's well that ends well,
eh, commissioner?

Yes. But it almost didn't end well.

The Catwoman almost unloaded the jewels
before the Dynamic Duo caught up with her.

-Is that a fact?
-It is.

Someone had given her 100,000 deposit
on the jewels.

Really? Uh, ahem.

What happened to the money,
commissioner?

It was confiscated by the city.

We're using it to purchase
a better alarm system.

Just goes to show you
that consorting with criminals...

...doesn't pay any more than crime itself.

Right, Bruce?

Uh, so it would seem, d*ck.

Ha-ha-ha. So it would seem.

NARRATOR: The annual dinner
of the Gotham Antique Society...

...where the tables are set
with priceless antique silverware.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention, please.

An unusual entertainment
has been promised us...

...by Senor Chapeau Fedora
and his troupe.

Thank you, my friends.

We begin our performance
with my trained white rabbits.

Ha-ha-ha! See how well-trained they are?

They steal for me...

...but only the best.

We've been duped. Stop them!

Hold them off, my faithful knaves!
Ha-ha-ha!

NARRATOR: As word of the raid
reaches Police Headquarters...

...the famed Bat-signal lights up the sky...

...summoning the Caped Crusaders.

Holy rolling derby. Look at that truck.

That, Robin, means, our old friend,
The Mad Hatter, is in town again.

Ha, ha! Batman and Robin, eh?

Ha-ha-ha! Watch me bring the Batmobile
to a screaming stop.

Holy living roadblock.

Hang it. The Mad Hatter knows
we won't plow through that sea of bunnies.

Now we are safe from pursuit.

And soon we'll celebrate
with our priceless loot.

NARRATOR:
Temporarily stymied...

...the Dynamic Duo returns
to the Batcave...

...and resume their everyday identities
in the library of stately Wayne Manor.

BRUCE: Obviously, the Mad Hatter's added
a new wrinkle to his MO.

-Like what, Bruce?
-You saw it.

That wild hatter,
plus black-hearted knaves, white rabbits.

-What do those things remind you of?
d*ck: Alice in Wonderland.

BRUCE: Check. Wouldn't surprise me
if he stages a mad tea party scene.

Why can't we start our celebration now,
Mad Hatter?

Because, my dear Mock Turtle...

...we have more to plunder
before we take swift leave of Gotham City.

Okay. So what's our next caper?

We purloin a rare teapot.

One worth as much
as all the tea in China.

NARRATOR:
Soon, in the Gotham Art Gallery...

...where an enormously valuable
Chinese teapot is on display...

And this lovely teapot
dating back to the fifth century...

...Is worth over $100,000.

[MAD HATTER LAUGHING]

What in the world?

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

MAN:
Tear gas!

My eyes! Can't see!

Move quickly. Knaves.

Careful, this is worth a king's ransom.

Yes, commissioner?
Gotham Art Gallery, we're on our way.

What's up, Batman?

Another Mad Hatter caper.

Stop right there, Mad Hatter,
we've got you cold.

Ha, ha! You're talking
through your hat, Batman.

ROBIN:
Holy plastic cocoon!

Ta-ta, Batman.

By the time you extricate yourselves,
we'll be far away.

BATMAN:
Bat-torches, Robin.

ROBIN:
That villain's got a big jump on us.

BATMAN:
We can still pick up his trail. Buckle in.

Go on, boys, you know what to do.

-Yes, indeed.
-Indeed, yes.

Look out!

-Another one.
ROBIN: They're made up...

...to look like Tweedledum
and Tweedledee.

BATMAN:
We'll snag them with Batarangs.

-They're going to lead us to the Mad Hatter.
-Check.

TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM:
Yow!

TWEEDLEDEE: What are you doing?
TWEEDLEDUM: What are you doing?

BATMAN:
Since you won't reveal your hideout...

...we'll take dirt samples
from your shoes...

...before we turn you over to the police.

NARRATOR:
Now, in the Batcave crime lab...

...the Dynamic Duo analyzes
the telltale soil specimen.

ROBIN: Phosphate content, average.
-Nitrate, high.

Iron, six-millionths percent.

Hmm. Sulfur, eight-millionths.

The geological chart shows only one locale
with that soil content.

ROBIN:
That must be the place.

To the Batplane. Let's go.

Look, Batman.

Tire tracks leading into a cave.

BATMAN: That must be it.
Set plane on automatic hover, Robin.

We'll slide down for a look-see.

ROBIN:
Yow!

BATMAN: A revolving floor.
ROBIN: And the walls...

...studded with sword blades!

[MAD HATTER LAUGHING]

Welcome.

Welcome, Caped Crime Fighters...

...ha-ha-ha, to our mad, mad tea party.

BATMAN: Speed's building,
threatening to throw us into those swords.

What do we do?

How long do you think you can hold out
against the increasing centrifugal force?

Ha-ha-ha!

Hang on, Robin,
and pray this Bat-hook catches.

What's he trying to do?

BATMAN:
Entertainment's over, Mad Hatter.

Flee! Every man for himself.

BATMAN:
Up and at them, chum!

That takes care of the rear guard.

Now for the main troops.

[CRASH]

We asked Commissioner Gordon to secure
a going-away gift for you.

Yes. I agreed.

It makes the perfect present.

Here you go, buddy boy, a jailbird hat.

[BABBLING]

[BATMAN & ROBIN LAUGHING]