01x06 - The Big Birthday Caper/Two Penguins Too Many/Luminians on the Loose/The Space Refugees

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The Adventures of Batman
with Robin, Boy Wonder.

Batman and Robin, Dynamic Duo
against crime and corruption...

...whose real identities
as millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne...

...and his young ward, d*ck Grayson...

...are known only to Alfred,
the faithful butler.

Ever alert, they respond swiftly
to a signal from the police.

And moments later, from the secret Batcave
deep beneath Wayne Manor...

...they roar out
to protect life, limb and property...

...as Batman and Robin,
caped crime fighters.

Batman and Robin,
scourge of Gotham City's kooky criminals:

The Joker, Clown Prince of Crime.

The Penguin, pudgy purveyor of perfidy.

And the cool, cruel Mr. Freeze.

Watch out, villains,
here come Batman and Robin.

NARRATOR:
The world's most impregnable bank vault...

...on the 39th floor
of the Gotham Building...

...with concrete walls,


...and a security system that is turned off
once a day for exactly 32 seconds...

...while a new combination is installed
on the vault.

Now, at the precise moment...

...the world's most impregnable bank vault
is sucked dry with two seconds to spare.

And who is responsible?

The Penguin.

[LAUGHING]

BATMAN:
Fantastic.

ROBIN:
Unbelievable.

GORDON:
But there it is, Dynamic Duo.

The perfect crime.

ex*cuted with uncanny precision timing.

I gotta say, whoever did this is a real pro.

Could it be The Joker?

-Negative.
-Not The Riddler either.

So that leaves--

-The Penguin. Yes, it's got his style, but--
-But what, Batman?

He's got to owe the diabolically ingenious
structure of this crime to someone else.

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, in an isolated marshy area...

...several miles from Gotham City...

PENGUIN:
It worked perfectly. Ha, ha!

COMPUTER: Of course it did.
-Thank you.

COMPUTER:
You're welcome.

Who's talking in here
while I'm concentrating on my work?

COMPUTER:
I am.

Well, be quiet.

Who are you?

COMPUTER:
He is The Penguin.

-I thought I told you to be quiet.
COMPUTER: Sorry.

-I am The Penguin. The computer was right.
-Of course the computer was right.

-It's always right.
COMPUTER: Thank you.

-Will you shut up?
COMPUTER: Sorry.

Oh, yes, I remember you now.

You've been testing some
of my inventions.

And what little goodie
have you cooked up today?

BILLINGSLEY:
This electromagnetic ray.

It works beautifully.

An electromagnetic ray. Ha, ha!

Great. Oh, computer.

Plan and program a robbery
utilizing your electromagnetic ray.

And include
all Batman countermeasures.

COMPUTER:
Order acknowledged.

Not enough information for the
Batcomputer to be of help, I'm afraid.

Guess we'll just have to wait
and see what happens next, Batman.

NARRATOR: Well, Caped Crusaders,
you don't have long to wait...

...for at this moment,
another Penguin caper takes place.

[LAUGHING]

Robbery! Robbery!

Help!

Batman, armored car on Highway 90.

We're on our way, commissioner.
Come on, Robin, to the Batmobile.

The Dynamic Duo. Excellent. Ha, ha!

The Penguin.

-Well, I'll be--
-How about that?

Quick, the Batapult.

[LAUGHING]

That should decoy the Dynamic Dodos.

Elevation 67 degrees. Blast off.

Got you.

BATMAN:
Now, Mr. Peng--

-Great g*ns.
-Holy robots, Batman.

We've been had.

NARRATOR: Now, on the other side
of town, the real Penguin is playing it safe.

We must find out who or what is behind
The Penguin's scientific crime binge.

According to the Batcomputer,
The Penguin is using a computer.

Old buddy, we're going to have to set a trap,
not for Penguin, but for his computer.

Aha. So Batman is bringing
all his Batcomputer tapes and cards...

...to police headquarters
for a lecture tomorrow.

Computer, what could you do
with all of Batman's computer records?

COMPUTER:
Yummy, there is nothing I could not do.

NARRATOR: The next day,
at the lecture hall in police headquarters...

PENGUIN: A little smoke screen
to make them blind...

...and radar goggles to let me see.

[LAUGHING]

In here is my complete
Batcomputer crime file.

With this,
my Batcomputer can track down--

[COUGHING]

And without it, you're helpless.

[PENGUIN LAUGHING]

[BATMAN COUGHING]

BATMAN:
I can't see.

ROBIN:
Smoke.

So far, so good.

Now everything
his crime computer tells him...

...will also show up on our Batcomputer.

COMPUTER:
Danger. Danger.

You have been tricked
by a microcircuit punch card.

Switch to channel X.

-What happened?
BATMAN: A circuit change, I guess.

Now watch carefully
for important information.

Check.

Excellent. Excellent.

Now feed them information
which will lead them to the sulfur pits...

...and their doom. Ha, ha!

COMPUTER:
Wilco.

NARRATOR:
Several hours later...

...not realizing they are following
false information...

...the Caped Crusaders land the Batcopter
on the isolated marshlands, and then...

[BATMAN COUGHING]

BATMAN:
Sulfur pits.

We've been tricked.

Got to get out of here.

Sorry, can't make it.

NARRATOR: Has the Dynamic Duo
at last been conquered by The Penguin?

Stay tuned for part two
of “The Crime Computer"...

...coming up next.

NARRATOR:
The Penguin, foul, fiendish felon...

...has moved in
on Professor Willingham Billingsley...

...a scientific genius whose computer
has led Batman and Robin...

...on a wild Penguin chase,
to what appears to be their doom.

But what's this monstrous thing?

A prehistoric insect?

It's a Professor Billingsley invention.

[COUGHING]

Oh, dear me. This will never do.

All I want to know is,
why did you save them?

With these two around, this is dangerous.
They must be eliminated.

No, no, no, Mr. Parrot. I-

Penguin! Penguin!

BILLINGSLEY:
Oh, yes.

I'm going to program my computer
with their brain waves.

Then when the computer knows
everything they know...

...It can predict every thought
that will enter their heads.

No. I say do away with them instantly.

BILLINGSLEY:
Nonsense.

This is the ultimate experiment.

Man versus the machine.

Now, go away.

Whatever you say.

[MACHINE POWERING UP]

Done. Release them on the marshes.

Give them a 15 minute start,
then have your men hunt them down.

The computer will tell you
their every move.

They don't stand a chance.

Are you all right, Robin?

I feel a little strange. Come on.

Let's find the Batcopter.

The computer says
they will head for sector 104.

Hunting party number one, close in.

Roger. We're ready. Out.

MAN 1: Hey, wait--
MAN 2: Look out!

Hey!

ROBIN:
Here, Batman, quick.

PENGUIN [OVER RADIO]: Computer
just advised you will be ambushed...

...from a tree behind you.

Roger. Out.

So that's it.

The Penguin's punks are hunting us
by computer.

It's a game.

A deadly game, Robin.

Computer advises
Batman now has a communicator.

All future orders will be given
by flare signal. Ha, ha!

Too bad, Batman.

Holy accuracy.

That computer's right on the button.

Yes. I'm afraid we're in
for the battle of our lives.

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor...

...Alfred, their loyal butler, is worried.

If I only knew where they are.

Oh.
Perhaps the Batcomputer can help me.

[LAUGHING]

Marvelous.

The Cowled Kooks are heading right
for the crocodile's lair. Ha, ha.

Looks like a pathway over here, Batman.

[ROARING]

Batman, help.

Batman, duck.

Bees! Aah!

Come, Robin. Time for us to attack.

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, back in the Batcave...

The marshlands.

Said to be secret laboratory
of Dr. Willingham Billingsley.

Hmm. They just might need me.

To the Batboat.

COMPUTER: Dynamic Duo will next attempt
to infiltrate this laboratory.

Here? Will they succeed?

Why not ask us in person, Penguin?

COMPUTER:
The answer is yes.

Oh, shut up.

It's all over, Pengy.

It works. By gum, it works.

On to other things.

Wait. Don't turn it off, you ninny.

Just one push,
and over you go to your doom. Ha, ha!

Oh, boy,
we sure could use some help now.

Batman, Robin, where are you?

Now you've got us, Penguin,
don't you want to unmask us?

You clever creep.

You want me to come close enough
so you could grab me.

COMPUTER:
Ask me.

Batman's identity is recorded
in my memory bank.

Marvelous.

Who is Batman?

COMPUTER [STAMMERING]:
Batman's identity is B—

I have been tricked
with a self-destruct card.

No, no, not my baby.

My life's work.

It's going to explode.

Must get out of here.

COMPUTER:
Two plus two is 22.

The sum of the four sides of a triangle
is C-A-T.

BATMAN:
It's too late, professor. Come on. Hurry.

COMPUTER:
I I'm finished.

So you see, professor,
we planted that secret card...

...hoping The Penguin would ask
the computer our secret identities.

And that would make
the computer destroy itself.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

Ha, ha. Look down there.

Ha, ha. That Alfred.
He never fails to amaze me.

[BATMAN & ROBIN LAUGHING]

NARRATOR:
Central Police Headquarters...

...where millionaire Bruce Wayne
is visiting with Commissioner Gordon.

Congratulations, commissioner.

Your charity drive reached its goal, I see.

GORDON: Thanks to your
generous donation, Mr. Wayne.

My pleasure.

But isn't that a lot of money
to be left at the charity fair?

Indeed. That's why I'm personally
picking it up promptly at 5.

NARRATOR: But what's going on
in the headquarters reception room?

M-- Mr. Bruce Wayne.

But I just saw Mr. Wayne
in the commissioner's office.

[AS RIDDLER]
Things are not always what they seem.

[LAUGHING]

Must have been The Riddler in disguise.

And this probably contains
one of his infernal challenges...

-...to the Masked Manhunters.
-What does it say?

GORDON: "Riddle me this, Batman.
Where is the hottest spot in town today?"

I must contact Batman at once.

Uh, yes. Well, I'll be on my way,
commissioner.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
in The Riddler's weird hideout...

MAN: So, what are these disguises
gonna do for us, Riddler?

They're gonna help me trap Batman.

In a very short while,
I'll have him chasing his own tail.

NARRATOR: And now, in the secret Batcave
beneath stately Wayne Manor...

According to the Batcomputer...

...the hottest spot in Gotham City
is the Gotham Steel Mill.

What would anyone wanna steal there?

Of course.
That riddle is designed to create confusion.

-What do you mean?
-I'll explain in the Batmobile.

Let's go.

How do we look, Riddler?

Like true-blue officers of the law.

And I defy even Batman
to see through this disguise...

...of Commissioner Gordon. Ha, ha.

You see, Robin, The Riddler hopes
we'll be racing across town...

-...while he raids the last place we'd think of.
-Where's that?

Where a thermometer is recording
the biggest heat in town.

-Make way for the commissioner.
-Thank you. Thank you.

Your generous contributions will now
be delivered to the Gotham Charity Fund.

ROBIN: It looks as if you guessed wrong.
-What do you mean?

ROBIN: There goes the commissioner
with the money.

That man is an imposter.

Stand by for Bat-turn.

But-- But how do you know that,
Batman?

The commissioner told me
he was coming here at 5.

It's only 4:30 now.

-Riddler, they're onto us.
-Get rid of them. Hurry.

Smoke Bat-Grenade, Robin.

On the way.

Let's get out of here.

-They're out of control.
-Activate Bat-winch now.

Okay, now let's deliver this package
to the police.

I can't understand it.

How was Batman able to see
through my disguise?

Oh, it had to be a lucky guess.

Well, it won't happen next time when I raid
the Gotham Track and Field Meet.

This telegram just arrived, Batman.

It says, "Riddle me this, Batman."

"Where is the biggest vault in town?"

Since when did The Riddler turn
to simple vault heists?

Thank you, commissioner.

This sounds like
another deceptive riddle.

[LAUGHING]

And with this mask, men,
our getaway is assured.

Get set now for our next caper.

I've got it. By "biggest vault,"
The Riddler must mean pole-vault.

He's planning a caper
at the track and field meet.

BATMAN:
Check. Let's go.

MAN: And from last year's winner
to this year's champion is handed down...

...the gold, jewel-encrusted
championship belt.

I'll take that, champ.

[LAUGHING]

MAN: Cover all exits.
The Riddler is somewhere inside.

How will we ever spot him in this crowd?

Wait, Robin. Look. Over there.

Look how clumsily
that athlete is carrying the shot put.

-Do you think that's--?
-Tell you in a second.

-What--?
RIDDLER: The championship belt.

Come on, chum. Like this vault, Riddler?

[RIDDLER SHOUTING]

Hold it, Boy Wonder. Stand back.

This hammer is loaded.

[RIDDLER LAUGHING]

BATMAN:
It contained another message.

What's this one say?

"Riddle me this, Batman.
Who is the top wrecker in town?"

-Top wrecker? What--?
-Let's go, Robin.

-Where to now?
-The wrecking crew...

...at the old Gotham Towers.

Then the top wrecker
would be the foreman.

Either that, or that man way up there.

ROBIN:
The Riddler.

Activate Batapults.

What--?

A booby trap.

[RIDDLER LAUGHING]

Grab them. You Masked Manhunters
have thwarted me for the last time.

Take them down to a lower floor
and tie them up tight.

That wrecking ball is coming closer.

Holy tight spot.

[LAUGHING]

In another few moments, the ball
will reach their floor and down they will go.

Look out, Robin.

-Look, Robin, that jagged piece of pipe.
-I see it.

[LAUGHING]

BATMAN:
Hurry. It's just a few feet above us now.

Ha, ha! The next shot should do it.

-We made it.
-Yes, but we're not out of trouble yet.

They're out.

But I'll still send them to their doom.

He's trying to knock us off.

-Follow me, chum.
-Right behind you.

What are they trying to do?

-Hold them off.
-This must be the welcoming committee.

They're missing one member.

-Oof!
-Relax, Riddler. You're in no hurry now.

We've got a new disguise for you,
Riddler.

Only this one won't fool anybody.

You-- You Caped Creeps.

[BOTH LAUGHING]