01x05 - Bubi, Bubi, Who's Got the Ruby?/1001 Faces of the Riddler/The Mysterious Mr. Mist/The Trap of the Super Spacemen

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The Adventures of Batman
with Robin, Boy Wonder.

Batman and Robin, Dynamic Duo
against crime and corruption...

...whose real identities
as millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne...

...and his young ward, d*ck Grayson...

...are known only to Alfred,
the faithful butler.

Ever alert, they respond swiftly
to a signal from the police.

And moments later, from the secret Batcave
deep beneath Wayne Manor...

...they roar out
to protect life, limb and property...

...as Batman and Robin,
caped crime fighters.

Batman and Robin,
scourge of Gotham City's kooky criminals:

The Joker, Clown Prince of Crime.

The Penguin, pudgy purveyor of perfidy.

And the cool, cruel Mr. Freeze.

Watch out, villains,
here come Batman and Robin.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

NARRATOR:
In the library of stately Wayne Manor...

This, d*ck, is a faithful rendering
of the fabulous Trojan horse.

I know, Bruce.
The old Greeks hid in it to conquer Troy.

Right, chum.
Well, a valuable replica of that...

...Is on its way right now
to the Gotham City Museum.

-A gift of the Wayne Foundation?
-Yes.

But I'm worried about its safe arrival.

-Why, Bruce?
-I don't know, really.

But I'd just feel better
if it were guarded by--

-Batman and Robin?
-You know it.

Come on. To the Batcave.

NARRATOR: A little while later,
the fabulous replica on a big freighter...

...plowing toward Gotham Harbor.
And in the sky...

...the fantastic umbrella ship
of that wily bird of crime.

Birdie, fire one.

NARRATOR:
Can this be a hijack on the high seas?

It certainly appears to be.

But suddenly, coming out
of the horse's hollow belly...

Can it be? Yes, it is.

The Dynamic Duo? On Whirly-Bats?

Whoopee!

BATMAN:
Steady as you go, Robin.

Batman again.

Will my life never be free
of that interfering crime spoiler?

Lucky thing Pengy didn't know about the
Greeks hiding in the original horse, Batman.

Yes. Now let's get it to Gotham City
before any more pilfering pirates appear.

-What's up, commissioner?
-Batman. Thank the stars you're here.

The Riddler cut in on the police network
with a message for you.

We taped it. Listen.

RIDDLER [ON RECORDING]: Mairzy doats
and dozy doats and little lambs eat ivy.

Any fool knows a horse eats oats,
and where it's stashed is jivey.

[RIDDLER LAUGHING ON RECORDING]

Jivey. Isn't that silly, Batman?

Another of The Riddler's rattling riddles.

-Let's see.
ROBIN: Any fool knows a horse eats...

Oats. He found the horse.

-Right.
GORDON: I don't get.

Explain later. Come on, Robin.

There's not a batsecond to lose.

NARRATOR: At this moment, at a towering
grain elevator near the Gotham Docks...

Hold it. If we open those doors,
we'll be swamped in breakfast cereal.

Okay, Robin, pour it on.

MAN 1: Hey.
MAN 2: Hey, watch out, will you?

MAN 3: Help.
-Here's your mairzy doats, Riddler.

Ha, ha. Okay, turn them off.

Now let's get this antique equine
to Gotham Museum.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back in
the bizarre hideout of The Penguin...

It's your own stupid fault, Riddler.

You're always sending him clues.

It's a habit I can't break.

Well, perhaps Batman is one bad habit
we can both lose.

Forever. Listen, I have got a plan.

Gee whiz, Batman, why in the world
are we going to visit The Penguin...

...in that buzzard's own nest?

Because he's invited us, Robin,
under a flag of truce.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

Ah! The Caped Crusader
and the Boy Wonder. Heh!

Welcome. This is my surprise.

Into this computer, I have programmed
all your vital statistics, Batman...

...together with the vital statistics
of all your logical alter egos.

Now, this electronic wizard...

...Is going to answer
the big question of our time:

Who is Batman?

[LAUGHING]

-Batman, is he--?
-Cool it, chum.

PENGUIN:
Let the computer speak.

[PENGUIN LAUGHING
AND COMPUTER BEEPING]

ROBIN:
Holy Toledo.

That's a picture of--

PENGUIN:
Millionaire Bruce Wayne.

Ha, ha! Batman is Bruce Wayne.

Bruce Wayne is Batman.

NARRATOR: Swiftly, Batman's hand moves
to a tiny button on his utility belt.

Look, now it--
It's Commissioner Gordon?

No, it can't be.

Something's wrong.

The circuits have been jammed.

Obviously, that computer
just can't make up its electronic mind.

You tricked me, somehow, Batman...

...and I'm going to get even.

ROBIN: Batman, do you think Penguin
really knows who you are?

Of course not, Robin.

Just cool it. It'll pass.

NARRATOR:
What's this? An assailant?

With poison dart?

ROBIN: Look, a tiny paper umbrella.
Must be The Penguin's calling card.

BATMAN:
Read it, Robin.

"Since Batman's birthday is nigh,
we are tossing a big party for him...

...at Polk's Pavilion tomorrow afternoon.

The Penguin and The Riddler."
What next?

BATMAN: That's one party
I have no intention of attending.

NARRATOR:
But as the Dynamic Duo...

...resume their everyday identities
at Wayne Manor...

My word, Mr. Wayne.

Another of Penguin's calling cards.

Open it, Alfred.

PENGUIN [ON RECORDING]:
Greetings, residents of Wayne Manor.

Penguin speaking.

A tape recorder in the handle.

PENGUIN: Since Bruce Wayne
has the same birthday as Batman...

...they had both better show up...

...or provide proof
they don't have the same identity.

[PENGUIN LAUGHING ON RECORDING]

Oh, dear.

d*ck:
Holy dilemmas.

How can Bruce Wayne and Batman both go
when you're one and the same man?

No question about it now, chums.

Batman and Bruce Wayne
must both attend that birthday party.

But-- But how? How can you?

You'll know soon enough.
To the Batcave.

NARRATOR: A birthday party
for Batman and Bruce Wayne.

But how can they both go?

Don't miss the conclusion
of this exciting story.

Coming up next.

NARRATOR: To steal the priceless replica
of the Trojan horse...

...The Penguin and The Riddler
arranged a big birthday bash...

...for Batman and Bruce Wayne...

...claiming evidence
that they are one and the same.

But the Caped Crusader
has a plot of his own.

Now, at Polk's Pavilion,
a pagoda-like structure in Gotham Park...

We're all set now, Riddler,
for our honored guests.

But the riddle, Penguin,
is which will arrive first?

Batman or Bruce Wayne? Ha, ha.

Now, can Batman be far behind? Ha, ha.

Boys, greet Mr. Wayne now.

Well, this is quite a party.

No millionaire fights so well.
He must be Batman. He must be Batman.

I'll find out.

Have a party favor, Mr. Wayne.

Now we'll see
if he's wearing a face mask.

Hee-hee.
Ooh, he's the real Bruce Wayne, all right.

Now, if Batman does not make
an appearance...

Someone mentioned Batman?

-The Dynamic Duo.
-Get set to unmask Batman.

[SINGING] Batman's a jolly good fellow
Batman's a jolly good fellow

[LAUGHING]

Holy flat notes.

Uh, perhaps a piece of cake...

...will be more to your taste,
Boy Wonder?

Surprise! Surprise! Ha, ha!

ROBIN:
Penguin's punks.

Riddler's rowdies.

Watch out, Batman, this is my party now.

Let's make this bash really swing.

NARRATOR: If this is Bruce Wayne,
can this be Batman?

As the villains ponder, millionaire Wayne
hurls himself at the Caped Crusader...

...plunging off the pavilion.

And now, Batman reveals his clever ploy.

Quickly, Alfred. While Robin
keeps my guests happy, let's make a switch.

Good show, Mr. Wayne.

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, Robin keeps things swinging.

Get Robin, you birdbrains. Grab him.

Come on, come on, let's get going.

[PUNCHING]

Excellent, Alfred.

You continue as Bruce Wayne
to keep fooling Penguin and Riddler.

Gone. Robin?

Here, Batman.

Are you okay, old chum?

-Never better.
BATMAN: Good.

Where'd everybody go?

Last I heard,
Penguin was cackling something...

...about corralling the old Ulysses caper.

Hmm. Ulysses was the Greek general
who dreamed up the Trojan horse.

You mean Penguin and Riddler
pulled a double-ploy on us...

...to grab the horse from the museum?
BATMAN: I'm afraid so.

Great ba*ls of fire, what happened here?

A bit of a fracas, commissioner.

So Penguin and The Riddler...

...could sneak out
to steal the Trojan horse.

Great g*ns.

You must stop them or I'll lose my job,
my reputation, my pension.

Don't worry, commissioner.
Let's go, Robin.

If Batman and Robin can use this trick,
so can Birdie.

[expl*si*n]

PENGUIN:
We may not have unmasked Batman--

RIDDLER:
But we pulled the caper of the century.

[RIDDLER CHUCKLES]

Look, Batman, they've got the horse.

Easy, Robin. I took the precaution...

...of planting a homing transmitter
in the horse, just in case.

-All we've got to do now is follow it.
-Crazy.

BATMAN:
According to my calculations...

...the police helicopter should arrive
in just three minutes. So let's go now.

RIDDLER:
The Dynamic Duo. Again.

PENGUIN:
Get them. Get them.

[SHOUTING AND GRUNTING]

Ha! Some pun.

Let's wrap them up, Robin.

Riddle me this, Riddler.

What puffs and puffs
but makes you get out of breath?

You smart aleck kid.

-I'll--
ROBIN: Smoke. Aha!

[COUGHING]

BATMAN: Robin, where's Penguin?
-Look up there.

The police will take these characters.
Let's ground that bothersome buzzard.

ROBIN:
I'm with you.

Blast that Dynamic Duo.

I'll get them yet.

-There he is.
-Ready Batapult.

Batapult ready.

Speed, wind direction, altitude, angle.

Got them lined up?

Lined up and locked on.

BATMAN:
Okay, let fly.

Roger.

Yikes!

Good shot, chum.
Now haul him in with the Bat-winch.

Roger.

Stop. I demand you, stop.

This is unlawful, undignified.

NARRATOR:
Not much later, in stately Wayne Manor...

...a happy gathering.

Happy birthday, Mr. Wayne.

BOTH:
Happy birthday, Bruce.

Oh, thanks, Alfred, d*ck, commissioner...

...but a single candle?

I'm, uh, ha, ha, slightly older than that.

Oh, go ahead. Light it, Bruce.

BRUCE:
Okay.

"Happy birthday,
Bruce 'Batman' Wayne"?

[STAMMERING]
What?

Ha, ha! What a wonderful joke.

Imagine Bruce Wayne as Batman.

How incredible.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

NARRATOR:
The Gotham City Library...

...where Batgirl, in her guise
as plain Bab Gordon, is librarian.

Oh, no, not him again.

[LAUGHING]

[THUDS]

Holy collision.

The Dynamic Duo.

-You dropped this.
-Oh, thank you, Boy Wonder.

BABS:
You won't believe this, Batman...

...but The Joker's been borrowing books
on pirate lore by the dozens.

He must be up to something.

BATMAN:
Not necessarily.

He may just be improving his mind.

I don't care what Batman says.

I think The Joker's up to no good.

And I'm going to find out as Batgirl.

NARRATOR: A little while later,
the girl Caped Crusader arrives...

...at a sandspit of land
far out in Gotham Bay.

What's this?
A ship with The Joker's name and flag?

JOKER:
Dig, me hearties.

Dig, we must.

[LAUGHING]

So that's The Joker's game.

He's making a movie of Treasure Island.

But why is that camera pointing away?

[THUDS THEN BATGIRL SHOUTS]

She's out cold, Joker.

Take her to the ship.

While you languish here,
I and my hearties...

...will continue our spectacular production
of the ages.

[LAUGHING]

The Joker took my utility bag,
but not my Bat-buckle.

I must signal for help.

SOS from Batgirl.

-Plot it, chum.
-Roger.

It's coming from Skull Island.

BATMAN:
To the Batboat. Fast.

NARRATOR: At this moment,
in the Joker's ship's brig...

...Batgirl finds she can reach
the Jolly Joker ensign...

...and cleverly turns it upside down.

ROBIN:
Look, on that old pirate ship.

-An upside down flag.
-It's the international distress signal.

Let's go, Robin.

Repel boarders!

Avast, swabs. I'll torpedo those two.

Bat-hooks out.

[GRUNTING]

ROBIN:
Look out, Batman.

[LAUGHING]

BATGIRL:
About time you two got here.

What's this movie caper about?

The Joker's not making a movie.
The cameras are empty.

I saw a map on the set...

...and it shows a treasure buried
on the island by a Captain Krink.

There's no Captain Krink
in Treasure Island.

But there was a gangster
named Big Arnie...

...who pulled a $10 million heist
from Krink's Armored Car Service.

He buried the loot and left a map
of its whereabouts before he died.

Great. So, what do we do now?

We are prisoners,
and Joker took our utility belts.

But The Joker didn't take this away
from me.

ROBIN:
A hairpin?

-What good is that?
-Watch.

Beautiful. Let's go lower the boom
on Long John Joker.

-I've had enough.
-This is m*rder.

Mutinous dogs.
Dig until I tell you to stop.

If the loot's not here, move to a new spot.

The Joker must be around here
somewhere.

BATGIRL:
Help!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

BATGIRL:
Very funny.

But I landed on something hard.

ROBIN:
Holy pieces of eight. A chest.

We've found Big Arnie's loot.

Dig, men, dig. We'll all be rich.

Guess The Joker's crew
got discouraged...

...just a few inches away from finding it.
BATMAN: Easy, now.

Holy smokes.

My goodness.

Are you kidding, Batman?

That's merely millions.

Just bear with my spendthrift ways
while we change The Joker's script.

-But why?
-You'll see, chum.

Go draw The Joker and his buccaneers
away for a while.

Okay.

Yo-h*-h*! And The Joker's a creep.

The Boy Wonder. After him.

-Here's the Bat-lung. You know what to do?
-Of course. See you later.

That's the Boy Wonder's last cliffhanger.
Ha, ha!

Back to the digs, me boyos.

Look, the chest. We've found it.
Ha-ha-ha!

They've taken the bait. To the Batboat.

-How did it go?
-Great. Hang on.

Now to open the chest
and get the goodies.

Batboat to starboard!

JOKER:
The blasted dynamic dodoes.

-Batgirl.
-Shiver your timbers...

...and raise your hands, Joker.

Unlimber the cannon.

-They're firing a cannon.
-Stand by for evasive action.

Joker's slowed them down.
I'll help them catch up.

JOKER:
Avast, ye lubbers!

I must escape. Aah!

ROBIN: Looks like Long John Joker's
struck his colors.

JOKER:
You won, Batman.

But the loot, where is it?

Gone with the island winds, Joker.

But that was a fortune in greenbacks.

And all counterfeit.

The Krink's car that Big Arnie heisted
was a decoy.

And left the map for suckers?

[LAUGHING]

What's that hyena laughing at now?

JOKER:
Just this, Batgirl.

You can't jail me for looking
for phony money I never really found.

No, but the laugh's on you.

I'm locking you up for making a movie
without a permit.

What? You can't do that to me.

[ALL LAUGHING]