01x03 - How Many Herring in a Wheelbarrow?/In Again Out Again Penguin

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The Adventures of Batman
with Robin, Boy Wonder.

Batman and Robin, Dynamic Duo
against crime and corruption...

...whose real identities
as millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne...

...and his young ward, d*ck Grayson...

...are known only to Alfred,
the faithful butler.

Ever alert, they respond swiftly
to a signal from the police.

And moments later, from the secret Batcave
deep beneath Wayne Manor...

...they roar out
to protect life, limb and property...

...as Batman and Robin,
caped crime fighters.

Batman and Robin,
scourge of Gotham City's kooky criminals:

The Joker, Clown Prince of Crime.

The Penguin,
pudgy purveyor of perfidy.

And the cool, cruel Mr. Freeze.

Watch out, villains,
here come Batman and Robin.

NARRATOR: In the hallowed halls
of Gotham City Museum...

...millionaire Bruce Wayne
is personally supervising the placement...

...of the world-famous Maharaja Ruby.

Magnificent, isn't it?

Sure is, Mr. Wayne.

-Uh, what do I do with this?
-What is it? I didn't order anything else.

A statuette of the Penguin? How did--?

[PENGUIN CHUCKLES]

It worked just beautifully.

Worked like a charm, Penguin.

Yes. I'll take the million-dollar ruby...

...you take the millionaire playboy.

He'll come in handy as a hostage...

...in case Batman
starts breathing down our backs.

[WHISTLES]

Up. Up we go.

You know, this is one of those
disappointing moments in crime biz.

Here I steal
the city's most valuable possession...

...and her wealthiest millionaire...

...and there are no witnesses
to give me credit where it's due.

HENCHMAN:
Yeah, Pengy.

[PURRS]

Don't be too sure about "no witnesses,"
my fine feathered friend.

This map should help Batman find you,
Mr. Penguin.

Then he can do my work for me.

[PURRS]

NARRATOR: Unaware of the treacherous
fate met by Bruce Wayne...

...his ward, d*ck Grayson,
is busily perfecting his boxing skill...

...on the heavy bag.

[BAT-SIGNAL BEEPING]

Wait, Master d*ck. The Bat-signal.

And not a moment too soon.

Uh-oh.
And Bruce is tied up at the museum.

Try to contact him.

Tell him Robin will meet Batman
in Commissioner Gordon's office.

Of course I'm glad to have your help,
Robin.

But the enormity of this crime
calls for Batman.

Especially since his good friend
Bruce Wayne was abducted by the thieves.

Bruce Wayne? Abducted?

That's right.
Do you know where to reach Batman?

Well, uh-- You see, he's, uh,
out of town on a special case.

I'll just have to handle this alone.
Along with the police, of course.

Uh, I'll be running along, Dad.

I'm sure the Boy Wonder will handle this.

[THINKING]
With the help of Batgirl.

Uh, yes, Barbara, of course.

I'll start at the scene of the crime,
and see if I can pick up the crook's trail.

Good thinking. I'll go with you.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, the peace
and quiet of Resthaven Cemetery...

...Is shattered by the arrival
of a copter full of crooks.

Ah. The solitude of the cemetery.
It makes such a perfect hideout.

Not a living soul knows we're here.

[CHUCKLES]

[MEOWS]

Wrong again, birdbrain.

By this time, Batman too
should know where you are.

PENGUIN:
Take Wayne down below.

We'll hole up here
until it's time to rendezvous with the yacht.

Then it's off to South America
with a million-dollar ruby in our kick.

Get the chopper out of sight, at once.

A heliport in a mausoleum.

My, but you're a clever little man.

I look forward to our yachting party.

[LAUGHS]

A map of Resthaven Cemetery.
I don't like the look of that.

ROBIN:
A circle drawn around this grave.

Hmm. I think somebody is trying to tell us
where the Penguin's hideout is.

Might be a trap.
I'll have my men surround the place.

No, commissioner, please.

If they find out you're closing in,
they might harm Mr. Wayne.

I'd better go it alone, sir.

Good thinking, Wonder Boy,
and good luck.

Not on your pinfeathers, young Robin.

I think you may need help.

This is it. Now what?

[ALARM RINGING]

-Uh-oh, company.
-Hey, Pengy, somebody's opened the grave.

Company? At this hour?

Well, let's see who it is.

[CHUCKLES]

The Boy Wonder, in person.

This must be the place.

I shall advise Mr. Wayne
to expect a guest.

Mr. Wayne, I advise you to stand clear
of that panel to your left.

You're about to have a visitor.

Come into my parlor, my little bird.

[PENGUIN CHUCKLING]

What's that?

-Robin.
-Oh!

Now, there's a lad
who knows how to make an entrance.

[LAUGHS]

You'll pay for this, Penguin.

Temper, temper, Mr. Wayne.

I merely mean to provide you with company
in your final hour.

[LAUGHS]

Robin, are you all right?

-Boy, I sure bungled this one.
-Don't worry about that.

We've got to find a way out of here.

PENGUIN [OVER SPEAKER]:
Forget it, Mr. Wayne, not a chance.

I'm sorry you have to get yours
along with the Boy Boo-boo...

...but that's life.

Or I should say, in this case, death.

[LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: What foul fate does the
Penguin plan for Bruce Wayne and Robin?

We'll find out soon enough, I'm afraid.

So don't miss
the thrill-packed conclusion...

...coming up next.

NARRATOR: In an effort to rescue
Bruce Wayne from his abductors...

...the Boy Wonder
has only succeeded in falling—

Uh, sliding into the same trap.

[GEARS GRINDING]

-What's that noise?
-I don't know. Sounds like--

-Great g*ns, the walls are closing in on us.
-Holy nutcracker.

How do we get out of this?

BRUCE:
Looks as if we've got us a problem, pal.

ROBIN:
I'd say we've got two of them.

Why struggle, gentlemen?

You have so little time left.

Why not relax and enjoy?

At least it's a cozy way to go.

[CHUCKLES]

BATGIRL:
There go the bad guys.

Got to find the good guys.

Never send a boy Robin
to do a Batgirl's work.

What happened?

I don't know, but I'm not knocking it.

Batgirl, what are you doing here?

I thought you might need some help
to rescue Mr. Wayne.

But I was too late to stop the Penguin.

-He got away in a helicopter.
-That figures.

Wait, I seem to recall his saying something
about meeting a yacht in the harbor.

Let's go, Bru-- Uh, Mr. Wayne.

Uh, would you drop me off
at Wayne Manor, please, Robin?

Sure thing, sir.
Batgirl, you wait for me on Pier 6.

And keep the yacht in sight.

I'll get Batman and the Batboat,
and pick you up.

I'll be waiting.

Ahoy, captain. Hoist your mizzen mast.

Scuttle the poop deck.

Cut your jib.

[CHUCKLES]

South America, here we come.

[CATWOMAN LAUGHS]

Not so fast, Pengy lover.

-You?
-Yes, Pengy baby.

It's time to feed the Kitty.

-Ugh! No. No.
-I'll take this purloined precious.

You felonious feline, don't think
you're going to get away with that.

Aah! Hit the deck.

Enough of this tomfoolery.

HENCHMAN: What's happening here?
What's happening in my aft?

Better step on it.
They'll be sailing with the morning tide.

Check. First stop, Pier 6 for Batgirl.

You double-crossing mangy alley cat.
I'll get you for this.

[CATWOMAN PURRS]

I doubt it, Pengy old boy.

[CHUCKLES]

Come, Catmen, to the catamaran.

BATGIRL: I'm glad you're back
in time for the fun, Batman.

So am I, for more than one reason.

Heads up. That catamaran is sailing
right across our path.

Suffering surfboard.

Good grief, too close for comfort.

Sunday sailors,
should be made to walk the plank.

Ease off, chum.
There's the yacht. Ease off more.

-I wanna take them by surprise.
-Aye, aye, skipper.

ROBIN:
My, my, look at that.

-It's Batman.
HENCHMAN: And Robin.

How did he get out alive?

How should I know, birdbrain?

Isn't this a pleasant surprise?

Well, it looks as if
someone's beaten us to it.

Yeah, some fisherman
sure made himself a catch.

Cut the comedy, Caped Crusaders.
Let us down.

First, Penguin, hand over the ruby.

Too late, Batman.

That pilfering, pusillanimous pussycat
stole it from me.

-And if I ever get--
-The Catwoman.

-We've got to find her.
-But where do we start?

-Of course. She was in the catamaran.
-The what?

That boat we almost collided with
is called a catamaran, or cat for short.

Come on, we can catch her
with the Batboat, easy.

-Let's go.
-Hey, wait. What about us?

BATMAN: Hang around a while, Penguin.
We'll be back for you later.

Come back, you miserable refugees
from a Halloween party.

BATGIRL:
There she is.

BATMAN:
And there's the tiger cat herself at the tiller.

If she spots us, she'll make a run for it.

Right. Batgirl, you take the wheel.

-Robin, into the Bat-scuba gear. Come on.
-Check.

[PURRS]

Pretty good, eh?

The Penguin does all the dirty work
and we wind up with the prize.

HENCHMAN 1: Yes, ma'am.
HENCHMAN 2: Real great. Yeah.

Keep the cat in sight,
but don't let them know.

-Roger. Wilco.
-Hit the drink, Robin. Now.

I get a million-dollar ruby...

...the Penguin takes the rap...

...the Boy Wonder is finished...

...and Batman is nowhere in sight.

[CHUCKLES]

Did you ever notice how fast time passes
when you're having fun?

How about sharing the fun with us,
pussycat?

[SHRIEKS THEN GRUMBLES]

-Didn't think we were gonna miss the fun?
-The ruby, hand it over.

Hmph. You can't be serious.

-Get them, men. Quickly.
BATMAN: Go, Robin, go.

A perfect time for me to leave.

Good show, fellas.

Oh, no, you don't, pussycat.

[GRUMBLES]

Get away from me. Get away.

Not on your nine lives, Kitty cat.

[CATWOMAN SHRIEKS]

I've always meant to ask you, Catwoman,
who does your hair?

You rodent.

Batgirl's got Catwoman in the net.

Good, let's round up the other villains
for the police.

Oh. Glad to see you're none the worse
for your experience with the Penguin.

Never better, Ms. Gordon.
Thanks to Robin.

-And Batgirl.
-Of course.

-Excuse me, please.
-d*ck, does she remind you...

...of someone we know?

Yeah, she sort of looks like...

Aw, no, it couldn't be.

Well, I guess not.

NARRATOR:
A few miles outside Gotham City...

...on the edge of a chasm
across a sheer rock cliff...

...a dedication ceremony
is about to begin.

As mayor of Gotham...

...I am proud to dedicate
these great new cliff sculptures...

...of the Dynamic Duo.

MAN:
Raise the tarpaulin.

ROBIN:
Good grief. Look at that other face.

It's the Joker.

[JOKER LAUGHING]

Look up there.

Face it, Dynamic Duo...

...I think I deserve
immortalizing in stone too.

[LAUGHING]

To the Batcopter. Come on.

-Where's laughing boy now?
BATMAN: Must be hiding nearby.

Let's go down.
I'll put the copter on hover.

Holy atrocities.

Now it's a rogue's gallery,
not a monument.

Hey, what gives?

-I'm stuck.
-So am I.

And sinking in.

ROBIN:
This isn't stone.

It's some weird, sticky plastic.

A miserable Joker trick.

Fight to get free, chum.

[LAUGHS]

You are trapped, dynamic ones.

That plastic will soon absorb you.

Swallow you alive.

[LAUGHS]

ROBIN:
Sinking deeper.

BATMAN:
Don't give up, pal.

Now I shall return to Gotham City...

...and pull off the caper
of my crime career...

...where the matador gets the girl.

[LAUGHS]

What did that jerky Joker mean by that?

BATMAN:
Forget that, Robin.

We've got to figure a way out of this.

Hope this works.

ROBIN:
Now we've had it.

Ah. Not yet, chum.
We both forgot our hovering Batcopter.

NEWSMAN [ON RADIO]: News flash.
Batman and Robin are reported missing...

...following dedication
of their stone sculptures.

[LAUGHING]

NARRATOR:
At stately Wayne Manor...

...Bruce Wayne and d*ck Grayson
try to puzzle out the Joker's clue.

"Where the matador gets the girl."

It doesn't make sense.

It must mean something, d*ck.

Excuse me, Mr. Wayne...

...but may I have tomorrow night off
to attend the opera?

They're playing Carmen, you know.

Carmen. That's it.

The matador gets the girl in Carmen.

The Joker's going to pull a caper
at the opera.

And I think I know what it is.

In today's Gotham Times.

Look, the Tetrazini Tiara.

Worth 2 million smackers.

Yes. And the soprano's going to wear it
tomorrow night at the performance.

ROBIN: The paper says
it's under guard backstage...

-...at the Gotham City Opera House.
-Come on, d*ck.

We're going to see Commissioner Gordon
as the Caped Crusaders.

Your plan's risky, Batman...

...but it may teach the Joker
a lesson he'll never forget.

-Okay, go to it.
-Thanks.

Now, Robin, we've got to make up
for our own grand opera:

The Revenge of the Caped Crusaders.

NARRATOR:
That night, after rehearsal...

...in the empty
Gotham City Opera House...

[LAUGHS]

With the Caped Crusaders gone...

...No one can stop me
from stealing the tiara. Ha, ha!

Joker, look, up there.

HENCHMAN 1: The Dynamic Duo.
HENCHMAN 2: Ghosts.

It can't be. Get up there and investigate.

HENCHMAN 1:
The faces are gone.

HENCHMAN 2:
Maybe they were never there.

The Caped Crusaders. Run.

No time to lose. I must get the tiara.

Ah. There it is.

Batman.

[STAMMERING]
You're a ghost too.

You can't scare me.

The boy ghost again.

No, no. Go away.

Maybe they're not ghosts after all.

Must get away from them.

[LAUGHING]

They vanished.

In mid-air.

We've really got him worried now,
Batman.

The old mirror vanishing trick
must've really shook him up.

Ghosts or no ghosts...

...I'm going to get that tiara.

[LAUGHS]

There goes our bull, matador.

Check, Don Robin, and he's got the tiara.
Let's go.

[LAUGHS]

ROBIN:
Talk about the Phantom of the Opera.

BATMAN:
There he goes. Come on.

Look out, Robin.

Wow. That was some trap.

You can't trap ghosts. Come on.

There he goes.

BATMAN:
To the Batmobile. Hurry.

I have the tiara but I must make sure...

...If the Dynamic Duo
are really dead or alive.

Retouch your makeup, Robin.
We're going to need it for the grand finale.

If the daring duo's dead,
their bodies will be buried in--

BATMAN:
Now, hear this, Joker.

[STAMMERING]
Batman's voice.

The curtain is about to come down
on The Revenge of the Caped Crusaders.

No. You're dead.

You must be.

[YELLS]

Help! I'm sinking.

Guess we gotta save him to get the tiara,
right, Batman?

Yes. And for the closing act,
at Gotham Jail.

[GRUNTING]

Bravo, Caped Crusaders.

Obviously your scheme to play phantoms
paid off.

Ha! But at least I ruined your
precious monuments, Dynamic Duo.

Sorry to disappoint you...

...but your physiognomy
has been blasted off the cliffs.

Yes. And for vandalizing public property,
we'll add a few months to your sentence.

In you go.

Oh, no. No, no.

Take them away. Please.

[LAUGHING]