02x16 - School Pageant

[bunniefuu]

Einstein, darwin, edison,
alexander graham bell
are all smarty-pantses, but

Alexander graham bell
are all smarty-pantses, but
the chance is they all burn in

Are all smarty-pantses, but
the chance is they all burn in
hell

The chance is they all burn in
hell
yes, they're the devil's

Hell
yes, they're the devil's
clientele

Yes, they're the devil's
clientele
so think with your heart

Put a mortarboard on your

Aorta

Think with your heart and come

Graduate unto the lord-a

Think with your heart
jesus wouldn't ask for
anything lesser

Jesus wouldn't ask for
anything lesser
think only with your heart

Anything lesser
think only with your heart
he's our sweet savior, not a

Think only with your heart
he's our sweet savior, not a
college professor

He's our sweet savior, not a
college professor
think only with your heart

College professor
think only with your heart
[ applause ]

Think only with your heart
[ applause ]
god bless you.

[ Applause ]
god bless you.
Go with the lord.

God bless you.
Go with the lord.
You know, lily, dale, and I

Go with the lord.
You know, lily, dale, and I
thought it would be fitting to

You know, lily, dale, and I
thought it would be fitting to
come out here to the

Thought it would be fitting to
come out here to the
moralton zoo compound and sing

Come out here to the
moralton zoo compound and sing
our songs in front of god's

Moralton zoo compound and sing
our songs in front of god's
creatures.

Our songs in front of god's
creatures.
Oh, that's right, leif,

Creatures.
Oh, that's right, leif,
honey.

Oh, that's right, leif,
honey.
Oh, honey.

Honey.
Oh, honey.
Especially right here, where

Oh, honey.
Especially right here, where
the lamb and the lion lay down

Especially right here, where
the lamb and the lion lay down
together.

The lamb and the lion lay down
together.
[ Roars ]

Together.
[ Roars ]
amen, lily, honey.

[ Roars ]
amen, lily, honey.
You see, this is our final

Amen, lily, honey.
You see, this is our final
farewell performance.

You see, this is our final
farewell performance.
Orel: oh, no!

Farewell performance.
Orel: oh, no!
Clay: hear him out.

Orel: oh, no!
Clay: hear him out.
But don't worry.

Clay: hear him out.
But don't worry.
Leif and I are going to be

But don't worry.
Leif and I are going to be
working on a solo project

Leif and I are going to be
working on a solo project
together.

Working on a solo project
together.
Oh, honey.

Together.
Oh, honey.
Um, and I'm going to write a

Oh, honey.
Um, and I'm going to write a
famous musical -- a famous

Um, and I'm going to write a
famous musical -- a famous
broadway musical.

Famous musical -- a famous
broadway musical.
Thank you! Thank you! Thanks!

All right, class, it's time

Again to hold our annual

Elementary-school juvenile

Pageant for children.

This year we have the honor of

Welcoming ex-crucifolk

Dale armature, who will direct

The world premiere of his

Never-before-wanted musical,

"Crooning jesus."

Orel: gosh.
I just have to get that part.
I was born to play jesus.

I just have to get that part.
I was born to play jesus.
Doughy: gee, orel, who else

I was born to play jesus.
Doughy: gee, orel, who else
would be even half as good as

Doughy: gee, orel, who else
would be even half as good as
you?

Would be even half as good as
you?
Uh-huh. "A" plus. "A" plus.

You?
Uh-huh. "A" plus. "A" plus.
"A" plus. Uh-oh. "A"?

Uh-huh. "A" plus. "A" plus.
"A" plus. Uh-oh. "A"?
[ Sighs deeply ]

"A" plus. Uh-oh. "A"?
[ Sighs deeply ]
"a" plus.

[ Sighs deeply ]
"a" plus.
Junior, what's this --

"A" plus.
Junior, what's this --
"crooning jesus"?

Junior, what's this --
"crooning jesus"?
It's a flyer for the school

"Crooning jesus"?
It's a flyer for the school
pageant, father.

It's a flyer for the school
pageant, father.
But what's this meshugga?

Pageant, father.
But what's this meshugga?
Crooningwhat's crooning?

But what's this meshugga?
Crooningwhat's crooning?
It's like canting but without

Crooningwhat's crooning?
It's like canting but without
the "no jesus."

It's like canting but without
the "no jesus."
I see.

The "no jesus."
I see.
Junior, my son, when we finally

I see.
Junior, my son, when we finally
realized the messiah was right

Junior, my son, when we finally
realized the messiah was right
under our noses the whole time,

Realized the messiah was right
under our noses the whole time,
there was one loss that was too

Under our noses the whole time,
there was one loss that was too
heartbreaking to ever utter out

There was one loss that was too
heartbreaking to ever utter out
loud.

Heartbreaking to ever utter out
loud.
[ Sniffles ]

Loud.
[ Sniffles ]
and that was the loss of all

[ Sniffles ]
and that was the loss of all
those canting lessons you took.

And that was the loss of all
those canting lessons you took.
When I think of how we flushed

Those canting lessons you took.
When I think of how we flushed
all my hard cash down the --

When I think of how we flushed
all my hard cash down the --
unh-unh-unh-unh.

All my hard cash down the --
unh-unh-unh-unh.
Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry,

Unh-unh-unh-unh.
Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry,
uh [clears throat] when I think

Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry,
uh [clears throat] when I think
of how we flushed all your hard

Uh [clears throat] when I think
of how we flushed all your hard
work down the crapper by

Of how we flushed all your hard
work down the crapper by
accepting christ as our savior,

Work down the crapper by
accepting christ as our savior,
holy oy!

Accepting christ as our savior,
holy oy!
But now, junior, I want you to

Holy oy!
But now, junior, I want you to
get the lead role in this

But now, junior, I want you to
get the lead role in this
fakakta play "crooning jesus."

Get the lead role in this
fakakta play "crooning jesus."
You hear me?!

Fakakta play "crooning jesus."
You hear me?!
Yes, father.

You hear me?!
Yes, father.
Maybe we can get your famous

Yes, father.
Maybe we can get your famous
uncle bernie to come see it.

Maybe we can get your famous
uncle bernie to come see it.
The man would plats like joseph

Uncle bernie to come see it.
The man would plats like joseph
when mary broke the news.

The man would plats like joseph
when mary broke the news.
Orel: blessed are those who

When mary broke the news.
Orel: blessed are those who
hunger and thirst

Orel: blessed are those who
hunger and thirst
they're what I call the

Hunger and thirst
they're what I call the
opposite of worst

They're what I call the
opposite of worst
but most blessed are those of

Opposite of worst
but most blessed are those of
whom I'm most proud

But most blessed are those of
whom I'm most proud
the brave little guys with

Whom I'm most proud
the brave little guys with
semi eyebrows

The brave little guys with
semi eyebrows
that's my sermon on the

Semi eyebrows
that's my sermon on the
mount

That's my sermon on the
mount
thanks!

Mount
thanks!
Good job, orel.

Thanks!
Good job, orel.
Orel: gee, thank you, sir.

Good job, orel.
Orel: gee, thank you, sir.
Come on, orel, keep it

Orel: gee, thank you, sir.
Come on, orel, keep it
moving.

Come on, orel, keep it
moving.
Who's next?

Moving.
Who's next?
Junior christeen.

Who's next?
Junior christeen.
Christeen?

Junior christeen.
Christeen?
Christeen, christeen, christeen.

Christeen?
Christeen, christeen, christeen.
Ooh, like in famous

Christeen, christeen, christeen.
Ooh, like in famous
bernie christeen, broadway

Ooh, like in famous
bernie christeen, broadway
musical producer?

Bernie christeen, broadway
musical producer?
That's my uncle.

Musical producer?
That's my uncle.
We see him every

That's my uncle.
We see him every
"h-h-hchristmas."

We see him every
"h-h-hchristmas."
H-h-hchristmas?

"H-h-hchristmas."
H-h-hchristmas?
But if I get in the play,

H-h-hchristmas?
But if I get in the play,
he'll make a special trip to

But if I get in the play,
he'll make a special trip to
come see me in it.

He'll make a special trip to
come see me in it.
I see.

Come see me in it.
I see.
Okay, let's see what you got,

I see.
Okay, let's see what you got,
kid.

Okay, let's see what you got,
kid.
Be good, be good, be good, be

Kid.
Be good, be good, be good, be
good, be good, be good, be good.

Be good, be good, be good, be
good, be good, be good, be good.
[ Muttering ]

Good, be good, be good, be good.
[ Muttering ]
for my audition, I will be

[ Muttering ]
for my audition, I will be
playing the role of jesus,

For my audition, I will be
playing the role of jesus,
singing the song that ends

Playing the role of jesus,
singing the song that ends
act one.

Singing the song that ends
act one.
[ Clears throat ]

Act one.
[ Clears throat ]
I'm not --

[ Clears throat ]
I'm not --
[ clears throat ]

I'm not --
[ clears throat ]
ach-chem.

[ Clears throat ]
ach-chem.
I'm not a jew anymore

Ach-chem.
I'm not a jew anymore
I've raised myself up off that

I'm not a jew anymore
I've raised myself up off that
dirty old floor

I've raised myself up off that
dirty old floor
I've thought of a new

Dirty old floor
I've thought of a new
christian way to be

I've thought of a new
christian way to be
a religion based on little old

Christian way to be
a religion based on little old
me

A religion based on little old
me
I've found the key to heaven's

Me
I've found the key to heaven's
door

I've found the key to heaven's
door
because I'm not a jew

Door
because I'm not a jew
anymo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-re

Because I'm not a jew
anymo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-re
mmm.

Anymo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-re
mmm.
Oh, my god.

Mmm.
Oh, my god.
I am a good writer!

Oh, my god.
I am a good writer!
[ Chord plays ]

I am a good writer!
[ Chord plays ]
hello, crooning jesus.

[ Chord plays ]
hello, crooning jesus.
Orel: haven't gotten the part

Hello, crooning jesus.
Orel: haven't gotten the part
yet, mrs. Gray.

Orel: haven't gotten the part
yet, mrs. Gray.
Oh, tut, tut, orel.

Yet, mrs. Gray.
Oh, tut, tut, orel.
You're a natural.

Oh, tut, tut, orel.
You're a natural.
Orel: ha ha!

You're a natural.
Orel: ha ha!
Well, if it isn't the star of

Orel: ha ha!
Well, if it isn't the star of
the singing-song show.

Well, if it isn't the star of
the singing-song show.
Orel: fingers crossed,

The singing-song show.
Orel: fingers crossed,
officer papermouth.

Orel: fingers crossed,
officer papermouth.
Me, too, orel.

Officer papermouth.
Me, too, orel.
Break a leg, little jesus.

Me, too, orel.
Break a leg, little jesus.
Orel: cast list should be up

Break a leg, little jesus.
Orel: cast list should be up
by now.

Orel: cast list should be up
by now.
Thanks, doc.

Oh, no!
Omelet face mask?
Rev. Putty: yeah. You get it?

Omelet face mask?
Rev. Putty: yeah. You get it?
I think so.

Rev. Putty: yeah. You get it?
I think so.
Rev. Putty: judas had...

I think so.
Rev. Putty: judas had...
Both: egg on his face.

Rev. Putty: judas had...
Both: egg on his face.
Rev. Putty: it's sort of a

Both: egg on his face.
Rev. Putty: it's sort of a
switcheroo.

Rev. Putty: it's sort of a
switcheroo.
No, it isn't.

Switcheroo.
No, it isn't.
Rev. Putty: sure, because you

No, it isn't.
Rev. Putty: sure, because you
wouldn't expect him to have a

Rev. Putty: sure, because you
wouldn't expect him to have a
whole omelet on him.

Wouldn't expect him to have a
whole omelet on him.
Reverend, I'm a writer.

Whole omelet on him.
Reverend, I'm a writer.
I know a switcheroo.

Reverend, I'm a writer.
I know a switcheroo.
That's not a switcheroo.

I know a switcheroo.
That's not a switcheroo.
Rev. Putty: then what is it?

That's not a switcheroo.
Rev. Putty: then what is it?
I don't know. Nothing.

Rev. Putty: then what is it?
I don't know. Nothing.
Rev. Putty: but it's funny.

I don't know. Nothing.
Rev. Putty: but it's funny.
You can have it.

Rev. Putty: but it's funny.
You can have it.
Fantastic. Thank you.

You can have it.
Fantastic. Thank you.
Orel, come in!

Fantastic. Thank you.
Orel, come in!
Congratulations, kid!

Orel, come in!
Congratulations, kid!
Orel: j-j-judas?

Congratulations, kid!
Orel: j-j-judas?
Y-y-yes!

Orel: j-j-judas?
Y-y-yes!
Orel: not jesus?

Y-y-yes!
Orel: not jesus?
No, not quite, but between

Orel: not jesus?
No, not quite, but between
you and me, you got the

No, not quite, but between
you and me, you got the
better role, and he was jesus'

You and me, you got the
better role, and he was jesus'
closest disciple.

Better role, and he was jesus'
closest disciple.
Orel: yeah, but --

Closest disciple.
Orel: yeah, but --
I know. It's a big "but."

Orel: yeah, but --
I know. It's a big "but."
Orel: judas betrayed jesus.

I know. It's a big "but."
Orel: judas betrayed jesus.
I just can't, mr. Armature.

Orel: judas betrayed jesus.
I just can't, mr. Armature.
Orel, he's a pivotal

I just can't, mr. Armature.
Orel, he's a pivotal
character, and there's a great

Orel, he's a pivotal
character, and there's a great
song.

Character, and there's a great
song.
Get a load of it.

Song.
Get a load of it.
[ Upbeat music plays ]

Get a load of it.
[ Upbeat music plays ]
bouncy, isn't it?

[ Upbeat music plays ]
bouncy, isn't it?
I hate you, jesus, you rotten

Bouncy, isn't it?
I hate you, jesus, you rotten
little fink

I hate you, jesus, you rotten
little fink
your sermon never pleases, and

Little fink
your sermon never pleases, and
your parables all stink

Your sermon never pleases, and
your parables all stink
your eyes are beady, nose is

Your parables all stink
your eyes are beady, nose is
weird, a goofy basket case

Your eyes are beady, nose is
weird, a goofy basket case
I'd like to take your stupid

Weird, a goofy basket case
I'd like to take your stupid
beard and rip it off your face

I'd like to take your stupid
beard and rip it off your face
orel: mr. Armature?

Beard and rip it off your face
orel: mr. Armature?
Mr. Armature?

Orel: mr. Armature?
Mr. Armature?
What, what, what?!

Mr. Armature?
What, what, what?!
Orel: [ voice breaking ] I

What, what, what?!
Orel: [ voice breaking ] I
can't imagine ever singing that

Orel: [ voice breaking ] I
can't imagine ever singing that
in a million years!

Can't imagine ever singing that
in a million years!
It's totally in your range

In a million years!
It's totally in your range
and everything.

It's totally in your range
and everything.
Orel: I had my heart set on

And everything.
Orel: I had my heart set on
jesus!

Orel: I had my heart set on
jesus!
We can't always get what we

Jesus!
We can't always get what we
want, kid.

We can't always get what we
want, kid.
And sometimes we even never get

Want, kid.
And sometimes we even never get
what we want.

And sometimes we even never get
what we want.
Orel: but [sniffles] who

What we want.
Orel: but [sniffles] who
could play jesus better than me?

Orel: but [sniffles] who
could play jesus better than me?
Oy vey and hallelujah!

Could play jesus better than me?
Oy vey and hallelujah!
I did it. I'm jesus.

Oy vey and hallelujah!
I did it. I'm jesus.
I'm jesus already!

I did it. I'm jesus.
I'm jesus already!
So, you see, orel, that's the

I'm jesus already!
So, you see, orel, that's the
long and the short of it.

So, you see, orel, that's the
long and the short of it.
I can't have two jesuses.

Long and the short of it.
I can't have two jesuses.
I mean --

I can't have two jesuses.
I mean --
orel: I'm sorry,

I mean --
orel: I'm sorry,
mr. Armature.

Orel: I'm sorry,
mr. Armature.
I cannot play judas.

Mr. Armature.
I cannot play judas.
Sure you can.

I cannot play judas.
Sure you can.
Come on, judas.

Sure you can.
Come on, judas.
Give it a try.

Come on, judas.
Give it a try.
[ Upbeat music plays ]

Give it a try.
[ Upbeat music plays ]
hit it!

[ Upbeat music plays ]
hit it!
Orel: I hate you, jesus,

Hit it!
Orel: I hate you, jesus,
you rotten little fink

Orel: I hate you, jesus,
you rotten little fink
your sermon never pleases, and

You rotten little fink
your sermon never pleases, and
your parables all --

Your sermon never pleases, and
your parables all --
cut!

Your parables all --
cut!
Kid, you're k*lling me here.

Cut!
Kid, you're k*lling me here.
Orel: I just can't,

Kid, you're k*lling me here.
Orel: I just can't,
mr. Armature.

Orel: I just can't,
mr. Armature.
I guess I'm not a good enough

Mr. Armature.
I guess I'm not a good enough
actor to really hate jesus.

I guess I'm not a good enough
actor to really hate jesus.
[ Sighs ]

Actor to really hate jesus.
[ Sighs ]
okay, okay.

[ Sighs ]
okay, okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Think, think, think.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Think, think, think.
Okay. Think, think, think,

Think, think, think.
Okay. Think, think, think,
think, think, think.

Okay. Think, think, think,
think, think, think.
I got it. Got it.

Think, think, think.
I got it. Got it.
You don't have to be a good

I got it. Got it.
You don't have to be a good
actor, orel.

You don't have to be a good
actor, orel.
You can be a good christian.

Actor, orel.
You can be a good christian.
Orel: I can?

You can be a good christian.
Orel: I can?
Sure.

Orel: I can?
Sure.
I mean, if you look at it in the

Sure.
I mean, if you look at it in the
grand scheme of things, there

I mean, if you look at it in the
grand scheme of things, there
it wasn't for grumpy old judas.

Grand scheme of things, there
it wasn't for grumpy old judas.
Orel: oh!

It wasn't for grumpy old judas.
Orel: oh!
In fact, you might even call

Orel: oh!
In fact, you might even call
judas one of the bigger heroes

In fact, you might even call
judas one of the bigger heroes
of christianity.

Judas one of the bigger heroes
of christianity.
Orel: a hero?

Of christianity.
Orel: a hero?
You betcha!

Orel: a hero?
You betcha!
He was real important to the

You betcha!
He was real important to the
religion.

He was real important to the
religion.
Orel: hmm...

Religion.
Orel: hmm...
Then you know what,

Orel: hmm...
Then you know what,
mr. Armature?

Then you know what,
mr. Armature?
What, orel?

Mr. Armature?
What, orel?
Orel: I think I can judas

What, orel?
Orel: I think I can judas
jesus!

Orel: I think I can judas
jesus!
Great news!

Well, do you see him?
Do you see your uncle famous?
Um, yes, there he is.

Do you see your uncle famous?
Um, yes, there he is.
Get out of the way.

Um, yes, there he is.
Get out of the way.
Let me see.

Get out of the way.
Let me see.
Oh, lord.

Let me see.
Oh, lord.
He's really here!

Oh, lord.
He's really here!
Aaaaah!

He's really here!
Aaaaah!
Orel: what's the matter,

Aaaaah!
Orel: what's the matter,
mr. Armature?

Orel: what's the matter,
mr. Armature?
They're here -- lily and

Mr. Armature?
They're here -- lily and
leif!

They're here -- lily and
leif!
Orel: the most popular 2/3 of

Leif!
Orel: the most popular 2/3 of
the crucifolk?

Orel: the most popular 2/3 of
the crucifolk?
Yeah, them!

The crucifolk?
Yeah, them!
Orel, this show has to be a hit.

Yeah, them!
Orel, this show has to be a hit.
It has to!

Orel, this show has to be a hit.
It has to!
Orel: golly.

It has to!
Orel: golly.
Golly's right!

Orel: golly.
Golly's right!
The stakes are high, pal.

Golly's right!
The stakes are high, pal.
The stakes are...

The stakes are high, pal.
The stakes are...
High atop this mount

The stakes are...
High atop this mount
with my sermon clutched in my

High atop this mount
with my sermon clutched in my
hands

With my sermon clutched in my
hands
I didn't expect that.

Hands
I didn't expect that.
Where's orel?

I didn't expect that.
Where's orel?
And now I will tell you of

Where's orel?
And now I will tell you of
my 40 days of fasting

And now I will tell you of
my 40 days of fasting
all: 40 days of fasting

My 40 days of fasting
all: 40 days of fasting
40 days of fasting

All: 40 days of fasting
40 days of fasting
make yourselves at home

40 Days of fasting
make yourselves at home
this story has a way of

Make yourselves at home
this story has a way of
lasting

This story has a way of
lasting
holy cow!

Lasting
holy cow!
It's like a church out there!

Holy cow!
It's like a church out there!
Orel: hot dog!

It's like a church out there!
Orel: hot dog!
...hungry, but I didn't get

Orel: hot dog!
...hungry, but I didn't get
all that...

...hungry, but I didn't get
all that...
Hey, look, it's orel.

All that...
Hey, look, it's orel.
Orel: there he is! Get him!

Hey, look, it's orel.
Orel: there he is! Get him!
But why, judaswhy?

Orel: there he is! Get him!
But why, judaswhy?
Orel: well, because...

But why, judaswhy?
Orel: well, because...
I hate you, jesus, you rotten

Orel: well, because...
I hate you, jesus, you rotten
little fink

I hate you, jesus, you rotten
little fink
your sermon never pleases, and

Little fink
your sermon never pleases, and
your parables all stink

Your sermon never pleases, and
your parables all stink
your eyes are beady, nose is

Your parables all stink
your eyes are beady, nose is
weird, a goofy basket case

Your eyes are beady, nose is
weird, a goofy basket case
I'd like to take your stupid

Weird, a goofy basket case
I'd like to take your stupid
beard and rip it off your face

I'd like to take your stupid
beard and rip it off your face
prancing gaily on the water

Beard and rip it off your face
prancing gaily on the water
a long-haired scrawny clod

Prancing gaily on the water
a long-haired scrawny clod
you may be someone's daughter,

A long-haired scrawny clod
you may be someone's daughter,
but you sure ain't the son of

You may be someone's daughter,
but you sure ain't the son of
g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-god

But you sure ain't the son of
g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-god
I hate you, jesus

G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-god
I hate you, jesus
with your boring miracles

I hate you, jesus
with your boring miracles
you smell like a hundred

With your boring miracles
you smell like a hundred
cheeses have been shoved right

You smell like a hundred
cheeses have been shoved right
up my nose

Cheeses have been shoved right
up my nose
[ cheers ]

Up my nose
[ cheers ]
[ crowd chants "judas!" ]

[ Cheers ]
[ crowd chants "judas!" ]
I did it!

[ Crowd chants "judas!" ]
I did it!
[ Laughs ]

I did it!
[ Laughs ]
hey, famous bernie christeen.

[ Laughs ]
hey, famous bernie christeen.
What do you think?

Hey, famous bernie christeen.
What do you think?
What do I think?

What do you think?
What do I think?
I think if it wasn't for that

What do I think?
I think if it wasn't for that
pandering judas song, this play

I think if it wasn't for that
pandering judas song, this play
would be totally forgettable.

Pandering judas song, this play
would be totally forgettable.
Forgettable?

Would be totally forgettable.
Forgettable?
My play is not forgettable!

Forgettable?
My play is not forgettable!
[ Sobbing ]

Bloberta: I hate you,

Jesus

Clay: you rotten, little

Fink

Your sermon never pleases

And your parables all

Stink

Your eyes are beady, nose

Is weird, a goofy basket case

I'd like to take your

Stupid beard and rip it off your

Face

Rev. Putty: prancing gaily

On the water, a long-haired

Scrawny clod

You may be someone's daughter,

But you sure ain't the son of

All: g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-god

I hate you, jesus, with

Your boring miracles

You smell like a hundred

Cheeses have been shoved right

Up, shoved right up,

Shoved right up my no-o-o-o-se

[ Laughter ]

Orel: wow.

Everyone sure hates jesus!

Whoops.