01x09 - What Menace Doth the Mailman Deliver!

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Melter. It's your best friend,

M.O.D.O.K., back again.

How you doing, buddy?

Let's see. What happened

since the last time I was here?

Oh, I saw a fat squirrel!

And also a time-traveling version of me

kidnapped me and my family

and tried to force us

to k*ll each other at m*rder World.

Oh, and we've got two Lous now.

Uh, they've both agreed to split

the same amount of food as one Lou,

so our grocery budget is unchanged.

Anyway, the family's great.

Mine, not yours.

Your family's really struggling

to respect my personal space!

Please, it's my anniversary.

I just wanna visit my husband.

I won the footrace through the cemetery.

Well, you didn't need to push my son

into an open grave.

I very much needed to.

He was going to win.

Anyway,

things with my family are on the upswing,

but my dreams of taking over the world

have never felt further away.

Ever since I signed that contract,

I've lost all my power at A.I.M.

-I'm a mailman at my own company and--

-[widow crying]

Are you trying

to be the loudest criers of all time?

-Go take a lap!

-[crying continues]

Oh, Melty, I don't know what to do.

Give me a sign.

[landscaper] Time to turn over a new leaf.

Yep, that's what I call raking.

Turning over new leaves.

-Hmm, no sign there.

-[man] Let's start a new chapter.

"Just then, the boy wizard screamed

into the fiery goblet,

'It's time for a life change.'"

What a weird way to start a chapter.

[woman] What you're doing isn't working.

-Try something different.

-Okay.

-Are you close?

-No! Switch it up!

Come at it from a new angle.

[groans] I can't hear myself think

over this very busy graveyard!

Well, thanks for nothing, Melter.

I knew you wouldn't be any help.

Wait. Knew! That's it. Try something new!

[door opens, slams]

Oh, God. I can't find the mail cart.

M.O.D.O.K.'s gonna k*ll me.

He only gave me two jobs to do.

Mine and his.

Ph-Phil! Have you seen the mail cart?

It's Tom.

Phil's been missing for two weeks.

-Everyone's pretty worried about--

-So what? He's probably dead!

The mail cart's only been missing

for five minutes!

There's still a chance to save it.

The squeak of the mail cart. Oh,

it's haunting me. My own telltale cart.

Hey, Gary. Just need to scooch on by.

Oh, no. You found it first.

Please don't punish me again.

I don't wanna eat so much spaghetti

I have to go to the hospital.

Punish? What are you talking about, Gary?

I'm just doing my job.

So, is this like a secret plan?

Are we gonna get back at Monica?

Overthrow GRUMBL?

-[gasps] What's in the cart?

-It's mail, Gary. I'm a mailman.

-You're not a mailman.

-Indeed not.

I am a mail person,

because women carry things too.

Often, they carry much more.

What is happening?

Gary, you need to relax.

You need Relax Magazine.

That's mine! And I need it!

Whoo! Now that's a lake.

Not a single g*dd*mn wave.

Enjoy your day, Doris.

[M.O.D.O.K. whistling]

-Out of the way, you human stain!

-Oh, Monica. A package for you.

[shouts]

What was that? A b*mb?

Some kind of poison?

Well, your little plan failed.

I think it's your Blue Apron.

I can't believe you roundhouse kicked it

into the air. That was like six meals.

Why are you delivering mail?

Is this some sort of revenge thing

to get back at me

for replacing you as Scientist Supreme?

That was my guess too.

Hey, boss. Package for you.

It sounds like slacks.

Sounds like Nantucket Red.

That's gonna look really nice

on your body.

Uh, thank you. Aren't you gonna call me

"shitbag" or something?

No. Do you want me to?

No.

Then back to mail!

Because these good, hardworking people

need their edible underwear.

-[agent] That's mine! Slide 'em on me.

-You've got it, Carl.

Careful! [laughs]

Wow.

When did M.O.D.O.K. become

the perfect employee?

[alert tone]

Oh! Gotta go.

-I-I never know whether to go first, or--

-We. Go. First.

Now you.

Things are going great

with the production of the GRUMBL GRome.

By Christmas,

everyone on Earth should have

this smart hub speaker in their house.

Liar! We know you've had setbacks.

The Board sees all.

Sure, but we're still on track

for December, and--

New plan. We're stepping up

the release date. To Tuesday.

But that's months earlier than we planned.

Silence! We hunger.

For we are Hexus the Living Corporation.

We move from planet to planet

enslaving the populations,

devouring their resources,

and now we've targeted your Earth.

First we acquired GRUMBL to gain trust,

then A.I.M. to gain tech,

then AIM the instant messenger.

To cyber with hot babes.

And now we will release the GRUMBL GRome,

which will emit a mind control frequency

subduing humanity

-and paving the way for our invasion.

-Yeah, no. I know the plan.

-But this timetable is--

-Are you having second thoughts, Austin?

About selling out all of humanity?

-Not this man of his word.

-[barking]

The bag.

-[barking]

-Oh, that?

-That's just Daddy's doodle, Sherlock!

-[barking]

It looked at me!

We've gotten really close

since I rescued him.

I was hoping I could have him as

a companion, so I'm not so sad and alone.

Denied!

Labradoodles will be the first to fall!

Get back to work on the GRome!

-Right. Sorry I even asked.

-[Sherlock panting]

Okay. Listen to me. The Board--

[whirring]

Sees all.

And is very excited

about moving up the release date. Yay!

[wheels squeaking]

Sorry to interrupt.

Just had a tiny bit more mail to deliver.

Ooh, some Valpaks.

Extra thick today, I'd say.

Okay.

Monica, as our Scientist Supreme--

Congrats on that.

Do you think we can get this glitch fixed,

or do we have to delay the GRome launch?

-No, I fixed it.

-Oh. You did?

Howdy, GRome.

What's the temperature in Helsinki?

[GRome] The current temperature in Hel--

[both scream]

It's still k*lling people!

Two people! Down from ten.

That's not bad considering how swamped

I am with all this other bullshit work.

The Jiggle-Os have grown sex organs

and are reproducing at alarming rates

and in an alarming number of positions.

Two deaths, while impressive,

is not good enough.

We're gonna have to delay the launch.

I'm really disappointed!

[Sherlock growls, barks]

[panting]

E-E-Excuse me. I have something to say.

Is this about the Valpaks?

Just throw 'em in the trash.

I think I can fix the glitch

if we hack the redundant AAC array

-and index the 1080k SQL feed.

-Monica?

That could work.

Well, then, I guess…

[whirring]

…the accelerated launch…

[whirring]

…is a go. M.O.D.O.K.,

I'm assigning the GRome to you.

-I shan't let you down.

-No. Don't you see?

He wants to be

the Scientist Supreme again.

Oh, Monica. This'll free you up

to c*ck the Jiggle-folk.

You know,

fry off their little penises with a laser.

Or whatever you want!

I'm not here to micromanage.

Laser or you're fired.

[whistling]

M.O.D.O.K.'s locket!

He only takes this off

when he's showering, which he never does.

There's my Gar-Bear.

Come on. Gotta hit the road.

First day of bison hunting season.

-Big Mike! I-I--

-Uh-uh. Not today.

-Look. It's M.O.D.O.K.'s locket.

-It's beautiful.

Get in the truck.

You don't understand. This is the future.

A world not of false promises,

but hard facts, where science is king.

What about our lockets?

Mine with a picture of you,

and yours with a picture of--

That ain't me. What is that?

It's a picture of M.O.D.O.K.'s locket.

Ooh-wee! Why don't you just throw me in

a swimming hole full of water moccasins?

I've never seen him like this, Big Mike.

He's losing faith in his dream.

Ever since he sold the company and signed

that contract. Ever since Austin--

Austin. Austin's the cause of all of this!

M.O.D.O.K. needs me.

That ungrateful son of a b*tch

always needs you.

It's too important. What he's

fighting for. What we're fighting for.

And if you don't get that,

maybe you don't get me either.

Everyone said, "Big Mike, be careful.

Watch out for this one."

Now I done get it.

Austin. [glass breaks]

I wonder what's in his locket.

-[Sherlock panting]

-I failed you, dog.

I can't save you

and I can't live without you.

So I say we leave this world together.

By eating these cyanide pills

dipped in delicious organic cashew butter!

-[barking]

-No! Cashew butter death ball!

-[Sherlock whines]

-[Austin sighs]

Okay, plan B. You get the humane death,

and I'll shiv myself

to death with this house key.

Ow! Ow!

My abs are just too rock-hard!

Hey, Mr. Austin! Just taking

a quick state-mandated lunch break.

Oh! I wish I could work for you nonstop!

I think I have a new plan, Sherlock.

I call it "Plan M."

-[Sherlock whines, barks]

-[Austin gasps]

Sherlock!

Mmm. Microwave oatmeal.

[Monica] Look at that as*h*le.

He's clearly planning my demise.

I will not rest

until I find out what M.O.D.O.K.'s up to.

So hot!

I have to stop M.O.D.O.K.

from repairing the GRome.

If he fixes it, the world ends.

Well, it's probably ready now.

Austin is k*lling M.O.D.O.K.'s spirit,

so I must k*ll Austin's body.

[exclaims] Oh, so hot! What the hell?

I only put it in for ten minutes.

[all] It all comes down to M.O.D.O.K.

Well, it's gotta be cool by now.

[screams] Still so hot!

Hey, Monica.

Carmilla!

I told you a million times, call me Mom.

Or, when I'm hiding from M.O.D.O.K.

in my dead manatee, Momatee.

And why are you hiding from M.O.D.O.K.?

He's planning something!

He's coming for me.

You should've seen the way he was

eating oatmeal! He's unhinged!

[breathing heavily]

So, how was the Teen Zone, honey?

The same as it was four days ago

when you were supposed to pick me up.

[laughing] That wit!

Oh, just like your father.

You are my father.

You cloned a male version of yourself

to inseminate you.

Hey, baby girl. Can you do Daddy a favor?

Grab that ax over there and k*ll me!

Ignore that deadbeat.

Now come here and give your creator a hug.

You just spinal tapped me, didn't you?

I had to make sure

you're not him in disguise.

Did I tell you he's after me?

Did I tell you about the oatmeal?

Ever since you became Scientist Supreme,

it seems like you do less science.

I do plenty of science around here.

[gasps]

You're trying to undermine my confidence!

You've just given yourself away,

M.O.D.O.K.

-Battle Orbs, k*ll!

-[Battle Orbs] Time to fly, time to die!

[electronic voice] Result: Not M.O.D.O.K.

I knew it was you, and I love you.

What the frig is this?

Are we blasting, or are we blast--

Scram, you Battle Orbs.

Oh, I just love

when my little angel visits me at work.

Your sweet, sweet face. So beautiful.

You're such a, uh, a ten.

You just injected me with Pym Particles,

didn't you?

I think that M.O.D.O.K. might be

inside me.

So, go ahead and take a look around

and do a m*rder if he is.

Whatever gets me out of this conversation.

Watch and learn, Manica.

This is how you raise a daughter.

[snorts, exclaims] That's the sh*t.

M.O.D.O.K. M.O.D.O.K. needs me.

Must k*ll Austin for M.O.D.O.K.

Chanted my obsession while working out,

check.

Read Catcher in the Rye

and highlight the funny parts, check.

What's left? Oh, make poison dart.

-Wakey-wakey, Mr. Snakey.

-[hisses]

If he wants to live,

Austin has to make like

a mid-'70s muscle car and Dodge Dart.

Oh, Gary! Why don't you ever say cool

stuff like that in front of M.O.D.O.K.?

-[electronic voice] Om.

-Oh, Peaceful Pause time!

How about you and I take

a thoughtful walk?

I know a great deserted back alley

67 blocks from here. What do you say?

-I'm in. For tomorrow.

-[Austin sighs]

Today I need to finish the GRome!

You're working so hard!

I'm worried about your vitamin D.

Let's get some sunshine

away from all these sun-blocking cameras.

I guess I could take a couple of minutes.

Oh, I can't. I forgot my walking jacket.

-You can use mine.

-That's perfect.

But,

I once borrowed a jacket at a country club

and got scabies from a very rich man.

So now I have

a strict no-jacket-borrowing--

Please go outside with me.

I'm begging you.

I've never been outside with you

and never asked you to go outside with me.

But I need it today.

And it's so nice outside.

[tearful] I've seen you go outside

with other people.

But the one day I need you

to go outside with me,

all you wanna do is not go outside.

And I'm begging you. Please!

I can't say no to that.

Howdy, GRome. Can you say no to that,

and then set a meeting for us

after the launch?

[GRome] Updating calendar.

My face! My face!

It didn't k*ll anyone!

Just a simple maiming. Progress!

No. Please. We have to talk.

[whirring]

[alert tone]

Those cameras are really loud.

I should probably fix that.

Just call me the work-obsessed beaver.

Never stopping, never ceasing beaver.

Chomping at this and that. [chuckles]

That's the expression.

[sighs]

Austin. We need to talk. Right now.

[stammering] I can explain.

We got new outfits. Be honest.

Which one of us looks the best?

[Austin] You all look the same.

Aren't you like one thing?

[Hexus] One hive mind, but each tendril

has a distinct personality.

I like pretty faces.

I like ugly faces.

And I'm an a*s man.

[Austin] Well, you guys look amazing

and very different to me.

I've gotta get back to work.

Also, we've had a change of heart

about your dog.

He shall not die in the invasion.

Wow! Thank you so much.

We want him dead now.

His unconditional love is

too much of a distraction.

You will shred him and serve us his meat.

-[barking]

-No, Sherlock. This is bad.

I want to eat your dog plain.

I want to eat your dog Baja style.

See how different we all are?

Now that I heard his order,

change mine to Baja style.

Me too. Make it three Baja style.

Well, it's up to you, snake.

[hisses]

[Gary] Well, I guess

that snake is hiss-tory.

And M.O.D.O.K. misses another gem.

[Gary grunting]

Monica's gotta have something in here

that'll help me warn M.O.D.O.K.

That's a problem for tomorrow.

[muffled screaming]

[Monica] You screamed the whole way here.

-You really embarrassed me.

-I'm scared of bags.

-M.O.D.O.K. Tell me everything.

-Oh, my name's Gary.

About M.O.D.O.K., you moron!

Oh, my favorite topic.

I know everything about M.O.D.O.K.

-What is he up to?

-Oh, I don't know that.

[Austin screaming]

-What was that?

-Wasn't me. My screams sound like--

-[Gary screams]

-[Monica gasps]

M.O.D.O.K. Battle Orbs!

Is this another false alarm?

We want guaranteed action.

This is not the time to negotiate.

I need you right now.

Oh. Then I'd say that makes this

the perfect time to negotiate.

How about I guarantee

you can k*ll this guy no matter what?

The guy who just chewed off his own hand?

It's M.O.D.O.K.

He's hiding in my fusion chamber.

Attack! This is a guaranteed k*ll.

Here we go, boys!

-[screaming]

-[barking]

-Battle Orbs, stand down.

-You've gotta be kidding.

-[grunting]

-[barking, panting]

Austin?

-[Austin grunts]

-[Sherlock barks]

Dear God. I let myself get distracted!

M.O.D.O.K.'s gone!

He's out there doing something. I know it.

I need to find him!

Where in the world is M.O.D.O.K.? [echoes]

[J.A.R.V.I.S.] Sir, Avengers Tower

is under attack.

[Iron Man] On my way.

-[shouting]

-[Angar shrieks]

All right. Let's do this quick.

I got three minutes

before my Crest White Strips come off.

[M.O.D.O.K.] Iron Man.

Can we talk?

[panting]

[exclaims]

M.O.D.O.K.!

Ma'am, here's a draft of the press release

for the GRome launch.

[agent] Monica, a bunch of Jiggle-O babies

commandeered an Amtrak train this morning.

What's the s-- [screams]

[Doris] Hey, is that

an invisible battle suit?

-No!

-We need to start this meeting.

Where's Austin?

[grunting]

[barks, panting]

[Doris] Oh, great. Let's begin. Item one.

Oh, God. He's here.

[panting]

Hey, everyone!

Or should I say, "Howdy, GRome."

-[all gasp]

-[agent] Oh, no!

[GRome] Hello, M.O.D.O.K.

Don't you mean M.O.D.O.K., GRome?

I don't understand.

It talked without k*lling! We can sell it!

That's right! I fixed it.

[applause]

[grunting, barking]

Clap. Clap. Clap. The Board is pleased.

The Board's here! That's great,

because I have even more good news.

I've secured a brand ambassador

for the GRome launch.

My ex-wife's ex-boyfriend, Wonder Man.

The Hunchback Quarterback himself!

We love it!

I haven't even gotten to the best part.

Tell us. Tell us. You have to tell us.

I sold A.I.M!

Clap. Clap.

Wait, what?

[grunting, barking]

Yeah, I have the same question as Austin.

What do you mean, you sold A.I.M?

I sold my shares.

Now allow me

to introduce the new owner of A.I.M.

-[knocking]

-[Iron Man] Let me in.

-[M.O.D.O.K.] They don't open.

-What? I can't hear you.

They don't open!

-What? The windows don't open.

-You have--

-You have to go around!

-What? Hold on.

I-I'm just gonna go around.

Well, that was less dramatic

than I was hoping for.

-[Iron Man] Well, I heard that.

-As I was saying,

I sold a controlling stake of A.I.M.

to Iron Man.

You don't have enough shares.

True. My shares alone aren't enough.

But Iron Man will have

a controlling stake of A.I.M.

when he buys all the shares

held by Monica.

What?

I want you to sell all your shares

to Iron Man.

Why would I ever do that?

Nice invisi-suit, by the way.

I'm selling my shares to Iron Man.

-[agents gasp]

-[Hexus] What?

And like that, A.I.M. is yours.

Cool. Let's get down to business.

First order of business,

A.I.M. is no longer

in the world-taking-over business.

Why am I saying "business" so much?

That's none of your concern!

Who'd I get? Come on. Admit it.

I got that guy. I know I got that guy.

The GRome! Yes, the GRome!

But what of the GRome?

Oh, yeah. I'll release it.

M.O.D.O.K. showed it to me.

It's gonna make me a…

GRome, what comes after octillion?

You have to say, "Howdy, GRome."

Well,

that's humiliating, and I won't say it.

And I know the answer anyways.

It's nonillion.

I'm about to become a nonillionaire.

Oh, right.

And before I forget, M.O.D.O.K.? Monica?

You're fired.

And that's how you get out of a contract.

[grunting, barking]

Word of advice.

Leave the science to the scientists.

[grunting]

-[Sherlock barking]

-[Austin breathes heavily]

I used dashes instead of periods.

My lawyers say it's dubious,

so we might wanna pitch on that.

I spent all this time fighting

to get A.I.M. back,

I forgot what A.I.M. really is.

It's not some stupid building.

A.I.M. is M.O.D.O.K. and Monica.

Monica and M.O.D.O.K. is A.I.M.!

Time to get back to doing what we do best.

Science for science's sake.

And with you as Scientist Supreme,

we'll soon take over the world.

Wait. If I'm Scientist Supreme,

what's your title?

[Monica laughing]

You tiresome piece of sh*t.

M.O.D.O.K.! Wait!

You can't let them release the GRome!

The Board is Hex--

[M.O.D.O.K.] Oh, sh*t!

I did it! I saved you!

Jesus, Gary. You k*lled Austin.

You're a sick, twisted psycho,

and you're obsessed with me.

Which makes you a perfect fit

for my new company.

Great! Can I have the weekend

to fix things with my husband?

No. We start tomorrow.

Also, I probably won't be in the office

for at least a month.

-[M.O.D.O.K.] Put the dowels in first.

-The dowels don't do anything.

-It's the screws that hold the weight.

-Manual says dowels first.

-[Monica grunts]

-Did it again. Bring in another one.

-[Gary] Big Mike!

-Bison burgers! Fresh off the hunt.

-[gobbling]

-Ugh!

-You better be worth it.

-And you better make more of these.

[stammers] 'Cause they're good.

Hey, something's been bothering me.

I know you had to get out

of that contract,

but of all people,

why sell it to your mortal enemy?

'Cause this.

Howdy, GRome. Who's better-looking?

-Wonder Man or Iron Man?

-Thor.

-Oh! This is awful.

-Just wait.

[alert tone]

Did you hear that? It sounds like--

-Oh, God! Oh, God!

-What's going on?

It took me just two minutes

to fix the GRome.

But two days

to calibrate a single wavelength

that drives all animals bonkers!

[animal noises]

-There's something in my suit!

-sh**t the squirrels!

-They're friends to the homeless!

-[Iron Man screaming]

[laughs] Nice work, Scientist Supremer.

Today Stark, tomorrow the world.

[Hexus] All right, Janice.

The job interview is almost over.

But first, tough question time.

What is your biggest weakness?

You must reveal it!

Um…

I work too hard, I guess?

Maybe I care too hard?

Those are good things.

Those are your weaknesses?

You have to be our new CEO.

Do you accept, Janice?

-I guess.

-Excellent.

The invasion is still on.

And now with Janice by our side,

Hexus shall stop at nothing

to destroy M.O.D.O.K.