01x07 - This Man... This Makeover!

[bunniefuu]

[rats squeaking]

Adaptoid! Adaptoid! Where are you?

I'm so "hungy"! I need brain food.

Maybe gravy in a pita pocket? Adaptoid!

[groans] I'll do it myself. [grunts]

[grunts]

[groans] I'm all out of fixings

for Gravy Grabbers?

Hmm.

Well, maybe. [sighs]

[gargles]

[fizzing]

Well, that was a mistake.

I gotta get out and get more food.

Alleys aren't for sleeping, you menace!

Ugh, Wonder Man.

They're for trash and stray cats!

Just so everyone knows,

I actually love the homeless,

but this particular homeless person is

a villain,

and his tent his evil lair. [grunts]

But I'm not bothering nobody.

You're bothering property values.

I'm a victim of the dot-com crash.

[Wonder Man] That was 20 years ago.

Get yourself together, man!

-[door opens]

-[bell chimes]

I'll have one child's party-size lasagna

topped with sesame chicken.

Can you write something like "Congrats on

your cool life, M.O.D.O.K." in soy sauce?

But don't make the lasagna

so hot this time.

I keep burning my fingers.

Yes, sir. We understand

that you eat with your hands.

I'll have you know, the last six times

I ate here, I completely soiled my chair.

But I count every three diarrheas

as one strike.

So, it's three more chair craps

and you're out, buddy!

If this continues, I have no choice

but to write in an ADA complaint.

The American Diarrhea Association,

of which I have just become a member

because of your lasagna--

-Jodie!

-Hey, M.O.D.O.K.

-Hey, Jodie! Did you hear any of that?

-Yes, I heard all of it.

Well, you misheard.

What are you doing here?

Having dinner. Wow, that's a big box.

Are you expecting company?

Why else would I order

a child's party-size lasagna?

I'm having lots of kids over,

a very sophisticated soccer team.

[chuckles]

It's really good to see you, M.O.D.O.K.

Whoa, whoa.

Is this hobo asking you for change?

[laughs] No, Wonder Man.

This is M.O.D.O.K.

Ah! The famous M.O.D.O.K.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I thought you were homeless.

[chuckling]

I'm sure you can understand why.

I'm Wonder Man, pending Avenger,

underwear model and lover of your wife.

[Wonder Man, echoing]

Lover, lover, lover, lover. Lover, lover…

[echoing] I'm so sorry, M.O.D.O.K.

I should have told you.

[gargling]

Jodie, get back. Your husband was bitten

by a raccoon and has rabies.

Wrong! I ate baking soda.

And if I did have rabies,

it would not be from a raccoon!

It would be from the many rats I live with

in my apartment. Good night!

[groaning]

[host on TV]

This is Marveltainment Tonight.

They're calling them

Hollywood's sexiest couple. "Wonderjo"!

Sources close to the couple are saying

that the gorgeous Wonder Man

is the literal opposite of M.O.D.O.K.

in every way.

-Do you know you're out of gravy?

-Yes, that's how I got in this mess!

From these photos, it's pretty clear

that the raven-haired beauty

is extra satisfied

with Wonder Man's famous assets.

Oh, so she's into a*s now.

Ooh! What's this? Could it be my weekly

Sad Man's Magazine?

"Jodie and Wonder Man cordially invite you

to attend their paperback release party"?

They're throwing a party together?

And inviting me to my house?

Initiate self-destruct mode.

[male electronic voice]

One minute to self-destruction.

M.O.D.O.K., no! Don't k*ll yourself.

Living is for married men, Gary!

Maybe this is her way of saying

she wants to be with someone

who takes care of themselves.

And maybe one day that could be you!

Thirty seconds to that sweet release.

So what you're saying is that Jodie is

still madly in love with me?

-Well…

-Yes, it's so clear now.

The invitation, the touch on the shoulder.

She's only dating Wonder Man

because he's perfectly symmetrical.

If I can do the same, I can show Jodie

that M.O.D.O.K. can also be…

[choking] …traditionally handsome.

Abort self-destruction!

Commence Mission: Supreme Hotness.

Melissa! Melissa, hey!

-Oh, my God.

-Melissa. I'm-- I'm wet.

But don't worry.

It's only 'cause I tried to drown myself.

Melissa, is that your wet dad? [chuckles]

Initiate self-destruct. [muffled groaning]

Uh, smothering yourself

won't make me go away. I need help.

[muffled] I'm never helping you again!

-Just hear me out.

-No way, Dad. You never listen to me!

There is nothing you can say

that would make me help you.

Absolutely nothing!

Please, Melissa!

Your mom's ready to move on.

This is my last shot at winning her back.

I need a makeover!

That's right. A makeover.

Everything that bothers you, change it.

Mall. One hour.

Looks like my teenage daughter is

gonna help me get laid.

-Hey, Jon Jon.

-[squeals]

[both kiss]

Is it classic lunch Wednesdays?

Because I'm ready to take a bite into

this peanut butter and Melly!

I'm M.O.D.O.K.

Oh, my God, M.O.D.O.K.

Are you serving me crater-size pores?

And who gave you permission

to have such a big, gorgeous face?

M.O.D.O.K. seeks permission from no one!

I love how tedious you are.

Before we get started, I have two rules

when it comes to fashion:

turtlenecks show class

and brown hides stains--

[shushes] The canvas doesn't speak.

-Uh-huh?

-Too Carrie Bradshaw.

Too Terry Bradshaw.

Your giant blackheads are giving me life!

Oh!

Call the fire department.

Too Hawaiian Punch,

not enough Kool-Aid Man.

Too Goth Pilgrim.

Too fast. Too furious.

Ugh, you're naked!

So, how often do you wash your hair?

[chuckling] Well, some of it got wet

when I tried to k*ll myself.

I love this Clooney-Caesar,

but I think it's time for a change.

You're about to have a hair moment.

[gasps] The new me. I love it.

Uh, I haven't done anything yet.

You're just so nice!

[M.O.D.O.K.] So how do I look?

You look…

as good as you possibly could, Dad.

Now it's time to makeover

your toxic masculinity--

Gotta go!

-[piano playing]

-[shutter clicking]

[hip-hop music playing]

[hydraulics hissing]

-The handsomest man has arrived!

-[all gasping]

It is I, M.O.D.O.K., and I brought a date!

[chuckling] It's a Jiggle-O!

She's also a snack.

Get yourself a woman who can do both.

Mmm. Chorizo-flavored.

Oh, no! Look at Dad's face.

He went rogue and used a ton of fillers.

Oh. I sense a wrinkle.

Release the filler bots!

-[buzzes]

-[guests gasp]

They're just collagen spiders.

They're more afraid of you than you--

Oh, no, wait. No, they're not scared.

No one move!

[screaming]

Oh, my God. M.O.D.O.K.?

Wow, he looks incredible.

Do you like my chair's butt?

Made of human fat.

Get a pic before it turns rancid.

Jodie, as your publicist, I have to say

that you are literally changing lives

and breaking chains

with your hardback book.

It's so inspiring,

I could rip you to pieces.

[chuckles] Thanks, Brandi.

The thing is, hardback sales are dipping.

People find it too hard.

But I have the solution. A softcover.

You mean a paperback?

No. Your softcover's coming out in

a month, and this has to be your moment.

You are so close to going Goop!

-I'm sorry. Excuse me?

-Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop.

We need your lifestyle brand

to Goop hard and Goop soon.

It's not enough to just trend.

You have to stay trending.

Hold on, I gotta take

a quick sip of the Goop.

I call water "Goop"

because it's everywhere.

Ew.

I really need you

to lean into the Latina thing.

Talk about how your abuela smuggled

the recipe for her posole over the border.

My grandma's from Boulder, Colorado.

She eats canned soup.

Then how you played stickball

with your brujas in Queens.

Wait, dress like a skeleton!

No, wait.

You should cha-cha instead of walking.

The cha-cha isn't how Mexicans walk.

Jodie, I'm getting the sense

you think this is r*cist.

Very much so, yes.

If you aren't gonna spice it up for mama,

then we need a big public-inciting

incident to make people care.

You need more! More trench coats,

more black gloves, more red, more maps

and a lot more big, bossy,

wide-brimmed hats.

You're describing Carmen Sandiego.

Damn right I am. She's a Latina icon!

Jodie, tough talk. You didn't look good

from your left side. It's common.

Think of yourself as a UPS truck.

You can only go right.

Now oink with me, my little piggy,

because you are gonna be my prized hog!

[imitates pig snorting]

Jodie, you aren't oinking with me.

Is there something wrong, pig?

I don't like it when you call me "pig."

Calling women "b*tches" is derogatory.

That's why I said "pig," Jodie.

'Cause they're smart. They solve puzzles.

[sighs] Look, I love my heritage,

but I'm not interested in being

someone else's idea of Latina.

People will just have to accept me

for who I am.

I hear you loud and clear.

You wanna have a baby with will.i.am.

[sighs]

I'm so far behind Chicken Goop

for the Wealthy Mother's Soul.

Oh, have you read that? I recommend it.

Really amazing. Changed my life.

It changed my life too.

I wish I could buy it for every woman

I respect. Which is every woman.

I'm sure the author would like that.

Yeah, I wish I could meet her

and pick her brilliant mind.

Too bad she got hit by that train

and her guts sprayed everywhere.

-Excuse me, what?

-Sorry. I know you're the author.

I was trying to be playful.

I'm nervous and I'm bad at flirting.

I knew you were flirting.

Is there any chance I could,

I don't know, get your number?

I'm actually getting out of something

right now.

Don't know if I'm really ready to, uh--

Look, the last thing I wanna do

is pressure you.

But if you ever decide you are ready,

whether that be months from now

or years from now,

let's say no more than two years,

-look me up.

-I'm ready. Here's my number.

-[cell phone rings]

-[groans] Damn. Work thing.

Ultron just hacked Uber.

I will call you later.

[cell phone rings]

[Brandi] A magical spider should be

writing messages in a web above you

because you are such a hog!

-Wait, why?

-I said "Go Goop,"

and you dirty little pink-skinned,

curly-tailed, magnificent, oinking Jodie,

you're dating Wonder Man?

Who is Wonder Man?

It's in the tabloids. Aren't you a writer

or something? Don't you read?

The guy I just met?

La, la, la, la, la! I don't wanna hear

about your filthy sex life.

I want to read about it in the press.

This is perfect.

You have to keep seeing him.

It will do wonders-- Ha!--

for your book sales.

Oh, you sloppy barnyard beast.

You are eating

right out of the Wonder Man trough.

I'm not doing this

for the publicity, Brandi.

I'm just gonna go on one date

with Wonder Man because it's what I want.

Okay, whatever you say, b*tch-- I mean

"babe." I mean "pig." Gotta go. Bye.

So you grew up in Colorado.

What was that like?

You know, it could be tough at times.

It's pretty white there.

Ah, right, the snow.

So, uh, how'd you get into acting?

-My grandma.

-Oh, really?

Yeah, she was the one who noticed

that I just had a thing

for reaching out

and touching the human heart.

Also, she was a powerful movie producer,

and she made them put me in movies.

Can you believe

our bodies are made from stardust?

[stammers] Does it ever get exhausting

having your life on display for everyone?

Well, you might think it's superstitious

or even a little silly,

but I believe that if I don't pose

for the cameras, I will die.

-A-yo!

-Oh, my God, oh, my God!

-Wonder Man! Will you sign my tire iron?

-Of course.

Hey, lady!

I-I-I'm right here.

I didn't know nothin' about you until

you started datin' my buddy Wonder Man.

I read your book in one night.

You see that cab over there?

It used to smell like sewage,

and now it smells like a car. A car!

Aw, the eighth step of Jodifying:

make things smell like they are.

Can I have a hug?

-Can I borrow $1000?

-No.

[crowd cheering]

Wrong side!

Number two on the best sellers list!

America's ready to taste your Goop.

And we want America to say,

"It tastes great."

Amazing.

Not amazing.

You're so happy. People hate that.

-[cell phone chimes]

-Oh, no. You just dropped to three.

What?

How quickly are they updating this list?

You were trending,

and now you're trundling,

like the bed under the bed

no one wants to sleep on.

[gasps] What do I do?

I wanna be a pig, not a bed.

You need drama. Something scandalous

to push you to number one.

Do you know anyone who could bring big,

irreparable public drama into your life?

And if I did have rabies,

it would not be from a raccoon!

It would be from the many rats that

I live with in my apartment. Good night!

[chimes, beeps]

We're done here. Let's go.

Great, because this restaurant's insane.

What does "child's party-size" mean?

And how much is a "diaper's-worth

of chow mein"? Why did we ever come here?

-[piano playing]

-[guests chattering]

Mom, I wanna stop playing.

My fingers are starting to bleed!

Oh, honey, you can stop playing

when RuPaul gets here.

I shouldn't be turning pages.

I should be up on the piano,

singing sultry songs

and crawling around

like the Fabulous Baker Boy I am.

No! I'm hoping RuPaul does that!

Now shush up and be the perfect children

I described in chapter 18!

-He's here.

-Who? I can't see past this damn brim.

[gasps] M.O.D.O.K.?

Wow, he looks incredible.

Yeah, an incredible train wreck.

And you orchestrated this whole thing.

Or should I say "porkestrated," you pig.

[singsongy] We've hit the truffle trove!

[both imitate pig snorting]

Wow, you look great, M.O.D.O.K.

I love your new bone structure.

Why, thank you, Jodie.

I picked out my cheekbones all by myself.

Please don't make a scene.

It's not the time or the place

to pick a fight with Wonder Man.

Even though you and I both know you'd win.

And with everyone watching.

I mean, you'd be an instant legend.

Wow.

But don't do it. Don't you dare… do it.

Oh, well, don't worry.

I've changed. I'm a new man.

I literally have pieces of other men

grafted to my body.

Oh! Look who I found!

And M.O.D.O.K.

I'm glad you're here tonight, brother.

As am I.

Being friends

with my girlfriends' husbands

has always been very important to me.

This tattoo means "blended family"

in Wakandan.

Same here. About the importance.

And just so you know, I told the kids

there is no rush to call me Dad.

Thanks for that. Would you like

to walk the red carpet with me?

More than anything.

Make room, Bruce and Ashton,

because here comes another guy

who's being very cool about everything.

Bring it in.

If it weren't for Jodie,

I'd be bathing in a river of your blood.

I'd rip out your throat

and feed it to stray dogs.

If it weren't for Jodie,

I'd wreck you, bro.

But the only k*lling I'm doing

is with kindness.

It's official!

We're going four-wheeling together!

I love that this man sleeps in my bed!

Jodie,

they're just holding each other sweetly.

You said there would be drama!

Wherever M.O.D.O.K. goes,

catastrophe follows.

This sucks.

Mom's just using us to make her look good.

Yeah. Which is stupid, because

her outfit already makes her look amazing.

Screw this.

If this is a party, then let's go party.

Good thing Dad doesn't keep

a lock on the liquor cabinet.

Yeah. Time to be bad.

But maybe the baddest thing we could do

is do as we're told.

-Ooh!

-Ugh.

Damn. No Kahlúa! That's my drink.

-What is this?

-Oh, no way.

It's Dad's Skinny Boy Laser-Rita g*n!

It's a ray that makes you feel drunk

without drinking anything.

I shouldn't be holding this. I thought

it was one of those safe b*llet g*ns.

[slurring] I feel like a Golden Girl!

sh**t me!

[slurs] I don't know if I'm feeling it.

Did I hear someone talking sh*t?

Listen closely, Wonder Man.

You're going to ruin Jodie's big night

by punching me so hard

that you'll get blood

all over this red carpet, ruining it.

[chuckles]

I would never do that to my queen.

I'm gonna be on my hands and knees

looking for my teeth in the grass

while my kids cry.

If anyone's gonna get punched, it's me.

By you.

Nuh-uh. You're gonna kick my d*ck off

in front of my son.

-I'm cool, brother.

-Oh, no. I got martini all over you.

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

He's not embarrassed at all.

He's got a gorgeous body.

[Melissa] Here comes

the mothertruckin' ruckus!

-Whoo!

-[guests gasp]

[strains] Take that, piano!

Rock and roll music is what's cool.

Oh, no! Billy Joel! What have I done?

I gotta know one thing, M.O.D.O.K.

Do you wanna be on the right or the left

when we both walk Melissa down the aisle?

-Jodie's just using you for sex.

-What did you say?

Jodie is just using you for sex.

Take it back, M.O.D.O.K.

You're just a body

that Jodie is primally attracted to.

-Jodie loves me.

-It's just lust.

And when she's done receiving

all the bone-tingling orgasms

I could never provide,

she'll drop you like a hot bowl of grits.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

[grunting]

Jodie… [groans]

…just loves your huge p*nis!

It's barely above average!

M.O.D.O.K.!

Jodie, he hit me. I'm hurt.

I saw everything.

M.O.D.O.K., you provoked him.

I'm a victim.

Oh, please. The new hair, the new teeth,

the new butt you stapled to your chair.

It's all so superficial.

You're always gonna be the same M.O.D.O.K.

-But Jodes--

-I suggest you leave.

After tagging yourself in a photo

with the book and posting on Instagram.

[guests applauding]

[squeaks, retches]

-[both chuckle]

-This is amazing.

Yeah. I have been wanting

to get squirrels drunk for forever.

No. No! I'm talking about

us actually hanging out.

Yeah, you've been all right.

I used to think that Dad sucked

more than anyone,

but then I met Wonder Man.

Geez, Mom really knows how to pick 'em.

Mom kinda sucks now too.

I know! She's such a phony.

Man, they are not handling

the divorce well at all.

At least we have each other, Lou.

Yeah, we'll always have each other.

Well, until I go to college.

[sighs] Yeah. Yeah, until then.

Oh, oh! I'm gonna try to get

these two neighbor dogs to bang.

-[dogs bark]

-Nice!

I missed, but they started anyway.

[door slams]

[rats squeaking]

Chapter one. "Honoring your space."

[Jodie]

Your home is a reflection of your spirit.

[rats squeaking]

Oh, sh*t.

My book is number one, baby!

Eat my p*ssy, Chicken Goop!

I'm so happy for you, babe.

I knew if M.O.D.O.K. saw us

at that takeout place,

he'd show up and make a scene.

Oh, and you! Bravissimo!

How come you're never that convincing

in movies?

So, what's next for "Wonderjo"?

I thought we were going ax-throwing

after dinner.

No, I mean, like, for our brand.

This relationship is so hot,

we need to keep it simmering.

Are you just dating me for the fame?

Yeah.

Ooh, we should get caught

in a bribery scandal.

But who would we bribe? And for what?

Jodie, I had real feelings for you.

Really?

Wait, what do you mean, "had"?

If you're breaking up with me right now,

we need to be in a much more public place.

What happened to you?

You made me beat up your ex-husband.

You gave your son a peanut allergy!

-You laughed at that!

-I was in love!

You're always talking about

how we should pose for the cameras.

That's because I'm shallow,

and how dare you hold that against me!

You know, I always… wondered, trademark,

how you could have been married

to a supervillain, but now I get it.

You're just like M.O.D.O.K. Maybe worse.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go slam a Dumpster lid

on the Tatterdemalion's fingers.

Goodbye, Jodie.

Oh, God.

It all went perfectly according to plan,

just like you said.

Then it's time to enact the second phase.

Mmm, yes, the next phase.

I 100% remember it,

but if you could just

say it out loud anyway?

Whatever, because it's so good.

I believe he's referring to me.

[cackling]

Why is he laughing?

He didn't say anything funny. Who is this?

Arcade.

He's a specialist of death. [laughs]

[both cackling]

Am I missing something?

That wasn't funny either.

[Jodie] Chapter three.

Jodifying isn't only about

organizing your closets.

It's about spiritual tidiness.

Chapter ten.

We hold on to things

because we're afraid of losing them.

But ultimately, we hold on so tight

we lose the most important thing of all:

ourselves.

Letting go is essential

to living in balance.

Jodie, there's something I wanna say.

You were right. I really needed to change.

I'm still in love with you

and wanted for it to work out between us.

But now… [inhales deeply]

…I know that I was trying

for my own sake, not yours.

The right thing to do is to let go.

Jodie, what are you doing?

[both moaning]

Come here. [moans]

-Mmm.

-[Jodie moaning]

[Jodie] I missed you so much.