01x13 - The Wedding of Iron Man

[bunniefuu]

[GRUNTING]

JIM:
It doesn't have to go this way, Tone.

There's still time to change your mind.

- No! I won't.
-Then that's it. Let me do that.

I always looked forward
to sharing your happiness one day.

I just never figured it'd be so soon.

Neither did I, Jim, but as
Shakespeare said in Julius Caesar,

"There's a tide in the affairs of men

"which, when taken at the flood,
leads on to fortune."

[CRYING]

JIM: Good fortune or bad?

TONY:
Will was never real clear about that.

SAM: Not since Madonna
married what's-his-name,

and Liz Taylor married everyone else,

has a wedding generated
as much ballyhoo

as this hastily announced union

of legendary billionaire bachelor
Tony Stark

and his beautiful Vice President
for Research and Development,

Julia Carpenter.

[WANDA CRYING]

The best man is Stark's Vice President
of Security, James Rhodes,

and the maid of honor
is the bride's daughter

from a former marriage, Rachel.

And this is Sam Jaggers of Hard News
saying I'll be right here,

waiting at the church, on time,
to bring you further reports

of these momentous
and completely unexpected nuptials.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...

TONY: I'm surprised to be here, too.

It's not that I don't care for Julia.
I do, and for Wanda,

and for Veronica Benning,
my physical therapist, but...

It all started nine days ago.

I'd been reviewing video records
of our Watchman tank

trashing Justin Hammer's vehicle
in a field test.

The test ended with a close-up of a
computer virus The Mandarin planted

to sabotage the Watchman's program.

But, while watching other tapes
of our activities, I became aware

of something that could mean
our lives were in great danger.

A single, unanswered question

that kept rearing its very ugly head,
time after time.

All right, lay it on us, already, man.

I don't wanna be late
for the Dodger game.

But you have a whole nine awnings
to get there if it doesn't rain.

Not "awnings." Innings.

And it never rains
in Southern California.

I heard that in a song,
so it must be true.

Right, songs never lie,
like, Yes, We Have No Bananas.

In my galaxy,
music always conveys truth,

therefore, I resent your condescension.

[WHISTLES]

Cool it.

Now, I want you to watch the tapes
I went through,

and see if they raise the same question
for you that they did for me.

Like the Watchman tank test,

the first dry run of our overland tanker
was a complete success.

Except that The Mandarin's g*ons
were waiting in ambush.

It looked like they might have been
tipped off by a mole on our team,

but we finally learned
it was one of Modok's devices

that told Mandarin when the tanker
was leaving our security lot.

But we all know this,
dear Tony. I do not understand

how your seeing it again
raised a question in your mind.

- I'm drawing a blank on that, too, Tone.
-As am I.

TONY: Then let's review my recent visit
to our microchip plant

to check out a phony eruption alarm.

After drawing Iron Man to the scene,
The Mandarin planned to destroy him.

That's when I reminded myself
that Stark Enterprises

has a dozen geothermal plants
powered by volcanic energy

at locations all over the world.

Then how did The Mandarin know
which volcano-powered plant

Iron Man would want to check out
in person?

Yes, Tony. And also,
how did The Mandarin learn

that you had invented
the Watchman tank

and overland tanker in the first place?

Right. For him to know those things,
The Mandarin would need to have

some kind of undetectable bug
planted right here in the Armory.

- Impossible!
-That's nuts!

Yes, not even The Mandarin could do
such a thing without our knowledge.

Or could he?

TONY: Why don't you decide about that
after the next tape?

As you recall, I was secretly doing
a little sub-oceanic gold prospecting

when I needed to raise money fast

to save our company from a bankruptcy
engineered by The Mandarin.

Things were going smoothly
at 4O fathoms down,

until Julia and Wanda did some
sharp detective work and found me.

And then,
within thousands of miles of ocean,

the Living Laser found me, too.

And that, I submit,
was neither coincidence nor bad luck.

It's final proof that The Mandarin has
somehow managed to eavesdrop on us

-for quite some time.
-Yes. I agree with Tony.

- Get real.
-I'm not sure.

No, neither am I.

Look, it's the only explanation
that makes sense.

Until we find Mandarin's bug,
our house is made of glass

and we're running around
without any pants.

Now, let's get busy.

[ECHOING]
Now, let's get busy. ...get busy.

...get busy. ...get busy. ...get busy.

THE MANDARIN: Your animatronic
raven is early today, Modok.

[CHUCKLES] How touching.
It must care for you deeply.

Yes, every raven loves a cuckoo bird.

[LAUGHS] Modok? Cuckoo?

Oh, really, Hypnotia, you are a scream.

[LAUGHS CONTENTEDLY]

Yes. I must remember
to tell David Letterman

you're available for a guest shot.

Enough chit-chat. What crumb has
your raven gleaned for us this time?

Oh, no. Iron Man's team is reviewing
tapes of encounters with our forces.

This means they will soon realize

that we have been spying on them
all along!

Now Tony Stark, or Iron Man,

will undoubtedly learn
the secret of your raven.

You broke my birdie.

Its usefulness has ended!
But yours has not.

Replay every record of Armory activity
the raven brought us,

and cross-check it
against the complete video file

of our confrontations with Iron Man
and his lackeys.

[GRUNTS] As you wish, Mandarin.

Somewhere within that material
is the information I've been seeking

since I first began my quest
for world domination,

the true identity of Iron Man.

But many believe Iron Man
is merely Tony Stark's guardian robot.

Yes. And what Earthly difference
would it make

if there were a man in that armor?
An enemy is an enemy is an enemy.

Iron Man cannot be k*lled,
but the man inside can.

Find me the name of that man,
and I shall exterminate him.

Then, the rule of The Mandarin
shall truly begin!

Julia Eugenia Carpenter,
do you take this man

to be your lawful wedded husband?

TONY: If The Mandarin
had been spying on us,

I assumed he'd try to get in
one last deadly shot

before we shut down
his bugging operation for good.

Unfortunately, it took me a while
to figure out

what form that final as*ault
was gonna take.

JIM: Stop.
Rewind sequence to 12:22:15.

COMPUTER: Processing.

[REWINDING]

Once again, The Mandarin knew
we had found Ultimo.

Perhaps his bug was tuned
to our search scanners.

My theory doesn't tie in
with the Watchman tank,

or Iron Man's visit to the volcano,
or anything else!

Hey, we'll find
The Mandarin's bug, Tone.

We just gotta keep punching.

I cannot discern any cosmic trace
of a concealed device

which might have given The Mandarin
advance warning

of our plans to neutralize Ultimo.

I sense a strong probability that
The Mandarin's bug was undetected

because it was not here when Jimmy
did his electronic security sweeping.

Oh, give me a break, Wanda.
That bug was either here or it wasn't.

My hex sense does not lie,
my little Cabbage Patch cutie face.

Then how, pray tell,

does your hex sense tell you
the bug was able to go back and forth?

By Pony Express
on the freeway, maybe?

- That's it!
-Pony Express?

Back and forth! If The Mandarin's bug
somehow went back and forth,

we would have missed it,
because it wasn't always here!

Computer, stop, rewind, and rerun

video files Kappa, Iota,
Lambda, Omicron.

COMPUTER: Very good, Mr. Stark.

TONY: Access video records
of any communication link in common.

COMPUTER: Processing.

The Armory monitor!

The Mandarin must have been
tapping in

each time we used it
to transmit secret information.

Yeah? How? The Armory monitor's got
more anti-bug gunk on it

than a sunburned Boy Scout
at a jamboree in the Everglades.

Startling as this may be, I find myself
in complete agreement with you, Clint.

Computer, stop and feature
Screen Three.

COMPUTER: As you wish.

There! The Mandarin's bug
must have been here

while Tony and Jim were using
the monitor to home in on Ultimo.

All we have to do is conduct a search
to find out where it was.

The only question is,
where do we start looking?

Pry me.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

- Pasadena.
-No idea.

Conduct a search. "Conduct."
Conductivity!

If the bug made physical contact
with the monitor,

it could have affected the rate
of electrical conductivity!

Can I send away for the brochure
to explain what you just said?

Bingo! The conductivity was altered!

But there couldn't have been a bug
in the building then, Tony.

Jim swept the place, and it was clean.

So "in" is out. But what about
on the building? Computer!

Show us the Armory roof at the time
of the change in conductivity.

COMPUTER: The roof, and environs.

WANDA:
So that's how The Mandarin did it!

CENTURY: We have no way of knowing

how long The Mandarin
has been eavesdropping.

Consequently, we cannot tell how much
he really knows about our plans, or us.

For our own protection,

we must assume that it's more
than we want him to know.

And he also knows
we're on to him now,

which makes him
more dangerous than ever.

How do you figure that?

Because he'll only have
one last chance to finish me off

before the playing field levels out.

- Finish you off, my precious?
-Yes.

The one secret
The Mandarin wants to learn

is the true identity of Iron Man.

By now, he may have collected
enough information to work that out.

And if he has,
it'll mean the end for Tony Stark.

There, Mandarin. We attempted
to replace Ultimo's occipital template,

but Iron Man continued to interfere.

That tells me nothing.

Recall the video record
of our fight with Iron Man,

when we captured
a Stark communications satellite

and inadvertently
brought him on board.

But at a time when Stark should have
been fighting to preserve his business,

he was nowhere to be seen.

Hmm.

Yes. Reprise our confrontation
with Iron Man,

when we finally located
his hiding place

after his battle with Fin Fang Foom.

[GROANS]

I do not understand
why you insist on viewing

sickening repeat performances
of our numerous failures.

I would just as soon watch reruns
of Gilligan's Island in Norwegian.

JUSTIN: Yes, Mandarin. I must confess
I find this a major-league bummer.

Ooh.
That sounded so contemporary, Justin.

[LAUGHS]

I'm delighted you think so, Hypnotia.

Silence, you blithering bunglers!

Look. That demeanor,
that body language, those eyes!

I should have realized it long ago.

Since Stark first constructed
Iron Man's armor

and escaped from my custody,

he and Iron Man
have never been seen together.

The reason is simplicity itself.

Tony Stark and Iron Man
are one and the same!

[LAUGHS] And now that I know,
Tony Stark is a dead man!

-"...till death us do part"?
-I do.

I now pronounce you
Mr. and Mrs. Anthony Stark.

You may kiss your bride.

[CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING]

Tony Stark is a dead man. A dead man!

[LAUGHING EVILLY]

A dead man!

[ALL CHEERING]

SAM: And I'm afraid it's official, ladies.

Tony Stark has now joined the ranks
of the legally unattainable.

- TONY: Goodbye, everybody!
-Thanks for coming!

And as the deliriously happy couple
drives off, this is Sam Jaggers saying

that when they reach their secret
honeymoon rendezvous,

I'M be waiting in the bushes
with my camera crew.

At Hard News,
we don't quit until you do.

THE MANDARIN: Slowly. Slowly.

[THE MANDARIN CHUCKLES]

We don't wish to frighten our lovebirds,

for the moment.

Tony Stark is Iron Man?

I still can't accept
that premise, Mandarin.

THE MANDARIN:
You will, my dear Justin.

It was a beautiful ceremony,

-wasn't it, darling?
-It was, sweetheart.

If I'm not mistaken, we're being
pursued by some uninvited guests.

I certainly hope so.

After all, a girl doesn't get married
to her dream man every day,

so it really should be
a special occasion.

- We have a cloud on our tail.
- So I see.

I hope our mutual friend
will be there when we need him.

Clint is unwrapping his wedding
present right this second.

Out.

They're increasing speed.
They must have spotted us!

Then let the games begin.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

- Computer! Armor vehicle!
-COMPUTER: Armoring.

JUSTIN: Stark's car is armoring itself!

THE MANDARIN:
That will do him no good whatsoever.

Blizzard! Lead the couple
in a traditional wedding dance.

BLIZZARD: Oh, how I danced
on the night we were wed.

I needed a wife like a hole in the head.

JULIA: Look out!

- Hit the thrusters!
-TONY: They won't fire!

- They're clogged with ice!
-JULIA: We're falling! Hang on!

LIVING LASER: Take one chilled
sports car and heat to 2,000 degrees...

Compensate for
temperature differential.

COMPUTER: Accommodating
life support requirements.

...then stir well...

- Stabilize gyroscopes!
- COMPUTER: Processing your request.

WHIRLWIND: ...and serve with a twist,
on the rocks.

Tony. Tony, can you hear me, darling?

Someone help me! Help!
Tony's been hurt!

But not badly enough!

[LAUGHING]

What?

Not to worry, Stark.

That would be far too easy an ending.

My congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Stark.

Particularly to you, Mrs. Stark.

It's not every day
a girl gets to be a bride,

and a widow, in the same afternoon.

This will not be enjoyable
for you, Mr. Stark,

but it will be a true delight for me.

- JULIA: No! Stop!
-Watch!

I hate to see Tony suffer,
more than you can imagine,

but a girl can't always follow her heart.

Getting uncomfortable, Stark?
Or do you mind if I call you Iron Man?

IRON MAN:
I don't think Tony would mind, but I do!

But Stark is here!
Which means you shouldn't be!

IRON MAN: Some days
you just can't count on anything.

- BLIZZARD: Iron Man!
-But he's supposed to be Stark!

Evidently, nobody thought to tell him.

This means Tony will live.

I'd like to belt you again, honey,
but a girl can't always follow her heart.

What is he doing up there?

HAWKEYE: Making sure you turkeys
are looking the wrong way.

DREADKNIGHT: Up, Knightwing!

No, Dreadknight! Hypnotia is mine!

BLIZZARD: Get us out of here!
LIVING LASER: Fast!

Chicken-hearted cowards!
Stand and fight!

No! Put me down!

[THE MANDARIN SCREAMS]

[MODOK SCREAMS]

I shall not rest
until you are all food for jackals!

w*r MACHINE: Way to go!
JULIA: You were wonderful!

CENTURY: Well done!
HAWKEYE: Neat-0!

Tony? Iron Man?
But this is not possible!

What?

[GASPS] But, if you are Tony,
and you are Tony...

- But I'm not Tony. I'm a robot.
-A robot married Julia?

You mean I cried my eyes out,
and nobody told me?

We wanted to make sure
your tears looked real, Wanda.

It isn't nice to fool the Scarlet Witch,
my precious pumpkins.

SAM ON TV: And so, the marriage
of the decade was nothing more

than an elaborate hoax,
designed by Tony Stark

to misdirect the attentions
of the financial community

while he cleverly restructured
his corporate debt

without affecting the price of his stock.

Oh, so smart.

Well, at least I finally have you
all to myself.

- It was a lovely wedding, sweetheart.
-Oh, shut up and dance.

Sweetheart. Sweetheart. It was a lovely
wedding, sweetheart. Sweetheart...

'