01x05 - The Grim Reaper Wears a Teflon Coat

[bunniefuu]

Unidentified warplane sighted
heading for New York City.

Our detection system shows nothing!
Mayday! Mayday!

[ALARM BLARING]

New York is under attack!
Intercept and destroy!

WOMAN: A force field is shielding
the warplane! It's getting through!

And that, gentlemen,
is what could happen

if our prototype fighter-b*mber
fell into the wrong hands.

It's equally deadly in deep space
or under the sea,

totally undetectable
and completely indestructible.

An unstoppable Grim Reaper
with the equivalent of a Teflon coat.

I assume we've no reason to worry
about security procedures

in the interim.

The Reaper is guarded
by trusted employees.

Anyone foolish enough
to come looking for the Reaper

will wish he hadn't!

I tried to talk the brass out of it,
but they insist on delivery.

But we did take the contract.

But that was only after
a lot of senatorial arm twisting.

Tony didn't want this job.
Did you, Tony?

No, l...

WANDA: Are you having fun
in Washington, Tony, darling?

I'm sure Julia is a delightful
traveling companion.

So far, we've only had time
for business, Wanda.

But thanks for thinking about us.

[GIGGLES]

Julia, you are always in my thoughts.

If you have no further need
for my services,

I'd like to take some time off.

I'd rather you stuck around
until we deliver the Reaper'

-but if you really feel...
- I do.

- Well, then bon voyage.
-I didn't ask you!

Well, anyway, the bottom line is,
our government footed the bill,

and you invented
the Reaper's control system.

- So if worse comes to worst...
-I can always try to figure out

how to pull the plug on it
before it rains destruction

on some defenseless foe, right?

Right! And in the meantime,
the Grim Reaper is safe.

Safe as a baby in its mama's arms,
if mama were a Green Beret!

DREADKNIGHT: There's
Stark's installation!

Blacklash, Blizzard, Grey Gargoyle,
Whirlwind, attack!

Ryder, alert w*r Machine!

Sanders, help me take out
these intruders!

Sorry, I'm taking you for granite.
"Granite," get it?

[LAUGHING]

I'm turning all of you to stone.

DREADKNIGHT: Hurry, now! We must
be wearing our time-warp suits

when we infiltrate the hangar.

Go. Go! Go!

GUARD CAPTAIN: No sign of
security breach on the perimeter.

[YAWNING] Quiet and boring.
Just how I like it.

[EXPLOSIONS]

How could we be under attack?

All units to the hangar, on the double!

DREADKNIGHT: Go! Go! Go! Go!

Stark's weapons have no effect
because we are in a different time field!

On to the Grim Reaper!

Engage flash apparatus now!

Blinding light! The Reaper! No!

W8 gone!

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

Order. Order! Order!
You were saying, Mr. Hammer?

Tony Stark promised to deliver
an aircraft

to protect our shores
from tyranny, Senator.

Unfortunately, Mr. Stark has neither
the ability nor intention of delivering!

That's why you called this inquiry!

Now, I call on all concerned citizens

to demand Stark return the money
he took for services not rendered!

Hall of Armor computer to Iron Man.

Angry mob
has been demanding explanation

for Stark Enterprises' failure

to deliver the Grim Reaper
to the government.

I have recorded the situation
for databank retrieval.

Welcome home, Tony Stark.

Every time that bozo opens his mouth,

Stark Enterprises stock
drops ten points.

The Mandarin must have tipped him off,

and he knows
we can't refute his charges.

Julia! Jim! I just brought
these security camera tapes in

from the skunk works.

They show the time of attack.

That's impossible!

They show the Reaper
as if it hasn't been taken!

TONY: Century,
what's the true situation at the works?

What's the story up there?

First, this facility was most definitely
attacked by The Mandarin's forces.

Fortunately, the Grey Gargoyle
did not give them

a maximum ossification charge.

And second, the Grim Reaper is gone.

TONY: Then why do security tapes
show that it's still there?

- Either the tapes are crazy or we are.
-Well, we'd better find out which,

because once the Grim Reaper
goes operational...

Even Iron Man might not be able
to stop the Reaper

if The Mandarin turns it against us.

We must hope this does not occur.
Century out.

We can't go after the Reaper
until we figure out

exactly how The Mandarin
pulled off his vanishing act.

Or he could snatch it back from us
anytime he wants!

I wish Wanda hadn't picked this time
to take off.

Her hex sense
might have given us an insight.

Julia, see if you can track her down

while Jim and I
try to solve this mystery.

But I can help with that, Tony.
And besides, we've got...

We need her, Julia.

As long as the Grim Reaper
is in Mandarin's hands,

none of us is safe.

THE MANDARIN: Congratulations
are in order, Modok!

We have acquired a weapon
of supreme destructive power

from under Tony Stark's nose.

And left him confused and disoriented!

My dear Modok, I may occasionally
undervalue your genius,

but not this time.

I salute your devious ingenuity.

Your appreciation
is my greatest reward, Mandarin.

For one of my intellect,
the plan was simplicity itself.

Each of these suits is a self-contained
space-time continuum converter.

So, while Stark's defense systems
thought they were fighting our warriors,

they never really entered the hangar

until after those fools thought the
Grim Reaper had already been stolen!

Bravo! In recognition of your genius,

I insist that you pilot the Reaper
on its maiden flight!

L'.]

[STUTTERS]

No. Great one, I am unworthy!

Nonsense!

Of course, Tony Stark will have set
fiendishly brilliant booby traps

to annihilate any unauthorized pilots.

But that shouldn't pose a problem
for one of your intellect.

Of course not, Mandarin.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Warning,
unauthorized pilot approaching.

It will not be so difficult.

Warning.

[YELLS]

- I did warn you, didn't I?
- Get control!

THE MANDARIN: [ON RADIO]
While you're up there, Modok,

show me
what the Grim Reaper can do!

MODOK: That eyesore of a village
and gaping peasants.

I have the perfect demonstration,
Mandarin.

Weapon systems armed
and locked on the...

[RAPID BEEPING]

What? What is going on?

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
I've been programmed

to disintegrate any intruder,

but I'm going to give you a break.

Unauthorized pilot ejection.
Happy landings, little dorkmeister!

[LAUGHS]

Reaper computer touching down.

It appears Modok's aeronautical skills
may have been overrated.

Hammer. I want you to increase
the pressure on Tony Stark.

I want him so busy

he won't have time to even think
of coming after the Reaper!

ANNOUNCER: Due to escalating mob
violence targeting Stark Enterprises,

Tony Stark's government contracts
have been canceled.

Bartender, call the front desk, please.
I'm checking out!

Let's take another look at the tape
from Security Camera One.

You need rest, Tone. We all do.

JIM: At this point, I can't tell
if the Reaper is coming or going!

But we still don't know
how The Mandarin pulled it off.

You're exhausted, Tony.
Let me drive you home.

Thanks, Julia, but I do my best thinking
when I'm driving. Alone.

JIM: Tone wants to ignore the shrapnel
next to his spine,

but if he's not careful
he might never walk again!

It's Stark! Get him!

You crook!
We're gonna hammer you for Hammer!

Hey! What's going on?

Tony! Oh, no!

Hey, do me a favor.
Next time you get beat up,

ask them to concentrate on your head
and leave your legs alone!

Bringing you back from near paralysis
was rough enough the first time.

Start kicking, soldier!

Tony!

- I'm so glad to see you alive and...
-Kicking!

Listen, Nurse Ratched,
I think that you...

Tony! I heard the news.

I was thoughtless and foolish

-to leave when I did.
-Wanda!

This is not
the luncheon of the week, ladies!

This is supposed to be a therapy
session! What is it with you two?

Stop! All of you!
I don't have time for this!

Time? That's it!

Ladies, I can't thank you enough!
As always, you are my inspiration!

TONY: Watch closely. At the exact
moment the Reaper disappears,

on Camera Three, you'll see
that both Jim and the clock are frozen.

However, if we run the outside
surveillance camera tape

in synch with the tape
inside the hangar,

you can see that what we thought
was a freeze-frame

is actually an extended moment
frozen in time,

during which the actual theft
took place!

Those suits must be
time-space distorters,

able to project events from the future
back into the past.

Which is why the cameras
didn't pick them up

and the defenses couldn't stop them!

Exactly. Because at that time,
they weren't really there!

Century, maintain internal security here

in case The Mandarin decides
to try an end run. Meanwhile,

I want w*r Machine, Hawkeye,
and Spider Woman to join Iron Man.

Hall of Armor computer acknowledges
arrival of Tony Stark.

Extending access to refit platform.

- Your instructions are?
- Basic armor.

Menu available.

Engage interlock mechanisms.
Adjust for weaponry.

Adjusting for weight differential.

Measuring.

Interfacing data
with armor components.

Presentation for armoring up.

Basic armor retrieval.

Basic armor complete.

Engage and interlock.

Adapt to neuromimetic sheen.

IRON MAN: It's time to bring the
Grim Reaper home. Thrusters on!

You have conquered the Grim
Reaper's intruder rejection systems?

Yes, Mandarin.
It was extremely difficult, but I...

[CHUCKLES] Then it is time.

We will now strike
at the heart of American defense

and destroy the Pentagon,
with one swift and deadly blow!

[THE MANDARIN LAUGHS]

With the Grim Reaper
in my possession,

Iron Man will be powerless to stop me!

Mandarin! We're being assaulted!
We've come under fire!

Deal with it!

Modok. You and I shall reap
a grim harvest of destruction!

Hawkeye! Say hello
to our reception committee.

Yeah, welcome to the circus, g*ons.

Does the fool think to harm us
with such primitive weapons?

It will be a hot day in the Himalayas
before you trick me again!

w*r MACHINE: Hawkeye's down,
and the Grey Gargoyle is on him!

Get ready to be
your own headstone, Hawkeye.

[GROANS]

I've stoned myself!

w*r MACHINE: Look out! Whirlwind
and Blizzard made a cyclone of ice!

Hawkeye, warm things up!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Overheating!

Dreadknight!

Iron Man, shouldn't we help?

Their job was to provide a diversion,

and I've always found Hawkeye
and w*r Machine most diverting!

[SCREAMS]

You'll pay for that.

SGHSOI' scanners on.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

Bingo.

Now, Modok,
launch our doomsday attack!

Not in this lifetime, Mandarin!
You don't have the time!

You meddling rust bucket!
I'll melt you down for scrap!

And now, we must be going.

Are you all right, Julia?

Yes, thanks to you.
And we've got the Reaper.

No Tony Stark or Grim Reaper.

What?

Good morning, gentlemen!

I'm pleased to deliver the Grim Reaper,
on time and under budget.

Stark! He delivered after all!

TONY: I don't get it.
I know that was Hammer's limousine,

but I can't figure out
what he was doing there.

Well, you'll have to ask The Mandarin.

He says Gesundheit
and Hammer starts to sneeze.

Jim, those military Joint Chiefs.

According to Pentagon records,

General Roy Haley was k*lled in action
in Vietnam in 1968!

Then we just delivered the Reaper
to three of Mandarin's stooges!

TONY: And it's my responsibility
to get it back.

JIM: I had Century and Spider Woman
load your armor on board

with the special hydraulic
exoskeleton pack, just as you asked,

but stopping the Reaper
won't be a piece of cake.

Be careful, Tone.

Hear me, my warriors!

Once I have used the Grim Reaper
to set the White House aflame,

you will be airlifted into the capital

to bring America to its knees!

[CHEERING]

IRON MAN: Get ready,
the Reaper is straight ahead!

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Reaper
computer overridden by Mandarin.

The Mandarin rules.

Iron Man approaching.
Destroy! Destroy!

- Mounting shields.
-He can't touch us'.!

On to the target area!

IRON MAN: [ON RADIO]
Take a memo, Julia.

Congratulations to all
Stark Enterprises personnel.

You have built
a truly amazing warplane.

And I offer my apologies for using my
hydraulic-augmentation backpack

to render it useless!

[SCREAMS]

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Out of control. Falling. Tough luck.

Eject! Eject!

I'll be back, Iron Man! Bank on it!

- Well, I hope I'm not too late.
-Actually, you're just in time.

IRON MAN: And now that the Reaper
has departed,

the world can truly rest in peace.

HAMMER.' Well, Sam,

since Stark Enterprises
failed to deliver the Grim Reaper...

They did return the government's
money, though, did they not?

Perhaps, but we can't fight
our country's enemies

with wedded-up dollar bills.

And Stark Enterprises
can't pay off its debts

with money we've just given back
to Uncle Sam.

We can always rebuild a company, Jim.

But America is a miracle
which no force on Earth could restore,

if we'd allowed the Reaper to destroy it.

No, I'd do the same thing again,

even if it cost me
a thousand companies.

- No regrets, then?
-No regrets.

'