02x06 - Growing Pains

[bunniefuu]

By the pricking

of my thumbs,

something wicked

this way comes.

[GRUNTS][GROANS]

Sorry!

Every crook for himself.

[GASPING] [YELLING]

[GRUNTS]

[SIRENS WAILING] MAN: Help! Lemme out!

Hey, Spidey!

Back in black, huh?

I approve.

[GASPING] What? Hey!

Hey!

[MUFFLED CRY]

[MUFFLED GROAN]

[GRUNTING]

Livin' on the edge

Fighting crime

Spinning webs

Swingin' from

the highest ledge

He could leap

above our heads

Villains on the rise

And the city's victimized

Looking up

with no surprise

Arriving

in the speed of time

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Presume not that

I am the thing I was,

for I have turn'd away

my former self.

MAN: It's happening again!

[GROANING]

Stay calm, Colonel.

Slow, deep breaths.

Deep breaths?

That's all you got?

Help him!

My boy's clothes

are shrinking

right off him!

Actually,

he's getting bigger.

Uh, not that

that helps, either.

I got ya, Johnny!No, Pop, stay back!

No wonder this lab

goes through funding

so quickly.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

It's okay.

Attack's over.

And, hey,

I taught that wall

a thing or two.

Are you joking

about this?

Too soon, huh?

[GRUNTING]

This should help.

Why don't you

try it on in my office?

Carefully.

[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]

What's happening

to my son?

He was exposed

to the alien life form

on the hull

of his space shuttle.

[STAMMERING]

Colonel Jameson was

infected by the Symb

Uh, the life form?

Actually, he's infected

with microscopic spores

that hitched a ride

on the life form.

The way gum

sticks to a shoe.

We've been tracking

his condition for months.

Since entering

the Colonel's system,

the spores have

multiplied exponentially.

Dr. Connors thinks

they may have originated

on a high mass,

high gravity world.

Like, like Jupiter.

I don't care if

they're from Jersey!

If those spores

aren't out of my son

in 4.2 seconds, I'll

It's just not

that simple.

My gene cleanser

had no effect.

Neither did extreme

heat or cold.

I had limited success

destroying individual

spores with electricity,

but in the meantime

JOHNNY: I get to

wear the fancy suit.

I hear it's all

the rage on Jupiter.

You look like

a fool superhero!

The spores are chemically

altering your mass,

making you

heavier, stronger.

This, uh, "Jupiter-Suit"

will slow you down,

regulate your heartbeat

and help you function

in Earth-normal gravity.

Plus, the ladies

love a man in uniform.

It's good to maintain

your sense of humor.

Any personality changes

might imply

the spores are

chemically altering

your mind as well.

FLASH: Hey, Sha Shan!

You didn't come

to my party!

[SCOFFS] Why would I?

[STAMMERING]

[CHUCKLING] Oh.

You didn't understand.

See, I invited you

as my date.

Don't you know

who I am?

Only the best

quarterback M-cubed

has ever seen.

The reason

the Mustangs

won State.

The hero who threw

the winning pass

at cost of life

and limb

[GRUNTS] I know who

you are, Flash.

We're in bio together.

Look, I've never

seen you throw a pass.

But I've seen you

set off the sprinklers

in the lab twice.

Fine. Walk away!

You think you're all that?

I can date

any girl I want in

this crummy school!

Reputation, reputation,

reputation!

Oh, I have

lost my reputation.

I have lost

the immortal

part of myself,

and what remains

is bestial.

[WHISTLES]

[GROWLS]

I have to get

to the paper,

but I'll drop you

at home first.

Uh, you mind

if I tag along?

I've got a paycheck

waiting at the Bugle.

Sure, kid, get in.

We can split

the fare.

[CAR CREAKS]

Sorry. Guess that's

the sound of me

kissing a normal

life goodbye.

Been there,

kissed that.

Well, maybe shutting

a door on normal

can open a window on

What are you

babbling about, Parker?

He's infected!

It's not contagious.

Eyes front!

[STUTTERING]

I'm just saying, he's been

given great power.

Maybe great responsi [PHONE RINGING]

[BEEP] What.

What?

[CHUCKLING] What?

Spider-Man's back

in black, and on

a crime spree!

What? I want everyone on it.

Victim stories,

eyewitness accounts,

oh, and the headline

Oh, What a Tangled

Web We Weave!

[GROWLS] I have finally

got what I need

to take

the web-head down.

Hold the front page,

Robbie, I'll call you back!

You can take

the web-head down!

Uh, excuse me?

Look at you, boy!

You got the costume,

the powers.

All you need

is a hokey name!

Uh, Captain Mass!

No, that's too hokey.

Strong-Man!

[GRUMBLING] Nah,

that's too generic.

Uh, Sky Colonel

Colonel Jupiter!

That's it!

But, Pop,

you hate superheroes.

JAMESON:

When did I say that?

JOHNNY: Every hour,

on the hour?

[GROWLS]

Nah, I hate

masked heroes.

What are they

hiding, anyway?

But you're

an astronaut!

The world already

knows and loves ya.

You love him, right? [GRUNTING]

Johnny boy, you can

be the one to bring

Spider-Man to justice!

But what if

Spidey's innocent?

Don't confuse

the issue!

Oh, I can't believe

someone is posing as me,

framing me again!

Please be Chameleon.

Please be Chameleon.

Please be

[TIRES SQUEALING] Uh-oh.

Can you move?

Can you unlock

the door?

[GASPING] You again?

[SCOFFS] No, not again.

See, I'm the real Whoa!

[GRUNTING]

Like looking

in a mirror, bro.

The funhouse kind.

Why strew'st thou sugar

on that bottled spider,

whose deadly web

ensnareth thee about?

Fool, fool!

The day will come

to curse this venomous

bunchback'd toad

O villain, villain,

smiling cursed villain!

That one might smile!

And smile! And be a villain!

Go, villain!

[CHEERING] Yeah!

Bro, it's been

too long! [HISSING]

[LAUGHING]

[EXPLODING]

Whoa!

Better call it in.

Get help.

[BEEPING]

Wait. I am help.

[SCOFFS] C'mon, Jameson,

you're not seriously

thinking about

leaping tall buildings

in a single bound?

Colonel Jupiter away!

So, I'm

a little confused.

Do you want to frame

me or squash me?

You make it sound

so complicated.

[GRUNTS]

All we want

is to destroy

every single aspect

of your life.

Is that so wrong?

[GROWLING]

[BOTH GASPING]

[GRUNTING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Can I take

a pain check?

I have actual human

beings to save!

No go, Bro.

When we're done,

the whole world

will hate you.

[GRUNTING] Almost as much

as we do.

Hi. Uh, I'm uh,

Colonel Jupiter.

I saw the fire,

thought I could help.

Thank you,

young man.

Glad I could help. WOMAN: [SCREAMING] Help!

This way!

Stay low! Come on!

[PEOPLE COUGHING]

That's it.

One at a time!

No ticket required!

[SCREAMING] No! Mom!

[GASPING]

Who are you?

Colonel Jupiter, Ma'am.

[BOY YELLING] Mom!

Happy to be of service.

Is there anyone in here?

VOICE: Get lost!

I'm afraid I can't

do that, mister

parrot.[SQUAWKING]

Get lost! Get lost!

[SQUAWKING] Get lost!

[RUMBLING]

You good? Yeah.

Enjoying the hero thing?

[CHUCKLING] Oh, yeah.

You know, we should

think about making

this a regular thing.

Half as many Ock arms

The Sinister Six

divided into the

Manageable Threes

[CHUCKLING]

I could get used to MAN: There he is!

Spider-Man

made me crash!

The fire's his fault!

And then what,

I stopped

for a quick

change of clothes?

It wasn't me!

I'll help you explain

it to the police. [SIRENS WAILING]

And answer a few

easy questions like

'What's my name?"

No, thanks.

It'll be okay.

Don't fight me

on this.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

[BEEPING]

Sorry, gotta swing!

But let's do the team up

thing again sometime!

[RAPID BEEPING]

[HISSING]

LIZ: [SNIFFING]

Petey, have you

been smoking?

[STAMMERING]

What? No! No,

I'd never smoke.

[SNIFFING]

I would, however,

put my Spidey suit on

without washing it first.

Ugh! Gross!

Say something, please?

[GIGGLING]

I'll see you

in class.

Sweet!

[SNIFFING] Do you

smell barbecue?

[GRUNTS]

Sha Shan Nguyen.

She's like totally

immune to the Flash.

'Cause she's got

a brain?

Exactly!

So you're gonna

tell me how to make

her go out with me.

Me? Why me?

Because A,

somehow you got

Gwen and Liz to like

your scrawny butt,

and two,

if you tell anyone,

you'll spend the rest

of Junior year stuffed

in that locker.

[STAMMERING]

I guess you could try

taking an interest

in the things she likes?

Drama, huh?

[CHUCKLING]

How hard could it be?

Doubt thou

the stars are fire.

Doubt that

the sun doth move.

Doubt truth

to be a liar.

But never doubt I love.

[CLAPPING]

Such spirit.

Such passion.

Now that's the kind

of audition I like to see!

[CHUCKLING]

Thank you, my dear.

The cast list will

be posted tomorrow.

Next!

QB1 is ready

for his tryout!

[SIGHING]

You'll have to

wait your turn.

Doesn't anybody

know who I am?

MAN ON TV: The strange

web of crime continues

as Spider-Man

defaced City Hall.

If Spidey

wasn't responsible,

then why did he run?

You're making

a big mistake,

web-head!

[CHUCKLING]

[ACCELERATED BEEPING]

Stacy, you have

one second to explain

why Spider-Menace

isn't behind bars!

Pleasure to see

you too, Jonah.

Maybe I can help.

You heard about

this "Colonel Jupiter?"

You mean, your son?

Well, that's beside

the point!

What's the point?

Here's the point.

He single-handedly

rescued a

billion people

from a fire covering

90 city blocks!

Deputize him,

and he'll have

the web-head

on a chain g*ng

in 5.1 seconds!

But which web-head,

Jonah?

This is a recent

security tape.

And this is

older footage. Look

The fighting style,

the suit, the build

They're all different.

The camera adds

ten pounds.

That bug's still

terrorizing our city!

This isn't the first

time the Bugle

got it wrong

when a copycat

dressed up as

the web-slinger.

Now, you really want

to embarrass yourself

and your paper, again?

[GROWLS] [PHONE RINGING]

[BEEP] John?

You were right about

Spider-Man all along, Pop.

But I'll crush him!

Well, uh, see

The cops

aren't 110% sure

the real Spidey's

the problem.

Uh, for now, why don't

you save some cats,

kiss a couple of babies?

The city'll eat it up! No!

[BEEPING RAPIDLY]

Spider-Man's mine.

And I'm going to

stop him permanently!

Johnny, Johnny,

that's the sporkes talking.

They're confusing

your brain.

Colonel Jupiter

is not confused!

Come on, Venom,

where are you?

COLONEL JUPITER:

Spider-Man!

Hey, Colonel,

I'm glad you're here.

I could use a little

[GRUNTING]

[SPIDER-MAN GROANING] [RAPID BEEPING]

Oh, it is excellent to

have a giant's strength,

but it is tyrannous

to use it like a giant.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

Easy, Colonel.

Look, I'm sorry

about that little

dust up after the fire

Who are you kidding?

You can't trick me

by switching costumes.

There aren't two

bugs in this city

shootin' webs!

Oh, believe me,

I've got my trademark

lawyers working on that.

[CRASHING] Whoa!

[GRUNTING]

The spores

must have altered

his brain chemistry.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

[GRUNTING]

[BEEPING ACCELERATING]

[YELLING]

[YELLING]

That's it.

Doc Connors

said electricity

only had limited success

destroying the spores.

But maybe the problem

was limited electricity!

I just need to lure him

to the nearest major

source of juice.

Hey, Colonel Stupider!

Is it true you're

getting denser

by the minute?

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

Plan's working. Yay.

[STEADY BEEPING]

You can't run forever,

web-head.

My least favorite

part of the plan.

Now you'll learn

the true meaning

of power!

You want power?

Try two million volts!

[SCREAMING]

[LONG BEEP]

[BEEPING STOPS]

[POWER DIES DOWN]

[BEEPING RESUMES]

"I will be brief.

"Your noble son is mad.

"Mad call I it,

"for to define

true madness,

"what is't to be

nothing else but mad?"

This is supposed

to be English?

CURT: The spores

are completely out

of your son's system.

He should eventually

be able to resume

a normal life.

Uh, I miss the power.

[STAMMERING]

I need it.

I have to get

the power back!

Give me back

the power!

[GRUNTING]

Give it back!

Must

Must get the power.

Must The power

[MUMBLING]

[SIGHING]

We'll give you

some time alone.

MAN: Don't know

anyone named Max.

My name's Electro.

[ELECTRICITY CACKLING]

Electro, I tell you!

Another one of yours?

DEVEREAUX:

All right, slowly.

No pushing.

Oh, Glory, we're in.

Thank you,

Shakespeare. You too, Kenny.

Hmm, tight. [GASPING] Harry,

you got a lead!

Congratula Yeah, thanks,

just a sec, okay?

Dad? Dad, I got

the lead in the play!

Plus, I have

a girlfriend now.

Uh, did you

just say you're

proud of me?

I have to find Venom.

It's not safe for Gwen

or anyone I care about.

I miss the Colonel already.

[LAUGHING]

Petey, I'm in.

I made the cast!

[STAMMERING]

Uh, wow. That's great!

Hey, you made it.

Cool.

Suppose this means

we'll be seeing

a lot of each other.

That seems unlikely.

Since you aren't

on the list.

What? [GASPS]

Obviously,

the director's

incapable

of recognizing

our natural charisma!

I'm so stuffing

Parker in a locker.

JAMESON: This is all

Spider-Man's fault!

He destroyed my son!

If I ever get my hands

on that wallcrawler, I'll

[ALL GASPING]

You want

the wall-crawler?

No! Then here's a scoop

Peter Parker

is Spider-Man!