01x10 - Persona

[bunniefuu]

What'd I miss?

Aunt May, I can't believe

you don't have it on!

They discover alien life,

and you're not watching?

Oh, Peter, aliens

are bug-eyed monsters

who say, "Take me

to your leader."

This is a mud stain

on the space shuttle.

Not mud! Organic mud!

Living mud!

From outer space!

NASA's not

releasing images.

But if we zoom in

on this shot

of the shuttle

right there,

on the hull.

That dark patch is

extra-terrestrial life.

Primitive, obviously.

But organic.

Earlier today,

the alien life form

was flown to

Empire State University,

where it will be studied

by the country's top

bio-geneticist,

Dr. Curtis Connors.

Yes! An in!

I hope.

[PHONE RINGING]Hello? [LAUGHS]

That's right, bro,

the ooze has landed!

And Dr. C's

back in the game!

He's been kind of lost since,

you know, the lizard thing.

Discontinued

most of our research.

But we're back

in business again!

I have to see it!

Can you hook me up?

No go, bro.

Dr. Martha's spoken.

No visitors,

no reporters,

and for sure,

no photographers

she already knows

she can't trust.

PETER: As usual,

Peter Parker's

out of luck.

But maybe

Spider-Man's not.

After all,

Spidey's got

a zoom lens,

and the lab

has a skylight.

And now, a peek

at our strange visitor.

And our strange

visitor's visitor.

Livin' on the edge

Fighting crime

Spinning webs

Swingin' from

the highest ledge

He could leap

above our heads

Villains on the rise

And the city's victimized

Looking up

with no surprise

Arriving

in the speed of time

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

BLACK CAT: A school locker

has better security.

Perfect!

I stop a crime

in progress,

get pictures

for the Bugleof me

and a hot cat burglar

and slap my peepers

on the ooze! Hat trick!

Come to kitty.

Gee, I never thought

I'd be rescuing

the icky alien from

the beautiful damsel.

Well, I do believe

it's Spider-Man.

Easy, cat-lady.

I don't want a fight.

Name's Black Cat.

And cats don't fight

spiders.

[GRUNTS]

We just bat them around!

[ALARM RINGING]

Whoa!

Oh, you better not get

your goop in my hair.

Don't worry.

It comes off with ice

or peanut butter.

Lovely. You've got

a sweet little skill set

there, Spidey.

You want in on this gig?

We could split the take.

Gig? Take?

These words are

strange to me.

A certain captain of industry

offered an indecent amount

of cash to steal that slime.

Said something

about unlimited

scientific potential.

Are you sure

he was a full captain

of industry

and not some industrial cadet

showing off for the girls?

[SCOFFS] I know

when a man's

showing off.

So what

do you say,

hot stuff?

Want a slice

of the mud-pie?

It is tempting.

But then I'd have

to turn in my super-hero

discount card.

Mmm, too bad.

I like us together.

But we only just met.

And I'm not that

kind of spider.

Give a cat a chance,

and she'll make you

that kind of spider.

[CHUCKLES]

Stop. I'm blushing.

What in theDr. Connors!

[GRUNTING]

Two's company. Three's

a corroborating witness.

The life form!

Where is it?

Black Cat!

She must have

But how?

When? Call the cops!

I'll go after her!

[SIGHS] So much

for this gig.

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]Bad kitty!

Maybe I can

still find her.

Oh, heck, I never even got

a good look at the gunk.

VENDOR: Read all about it!

Spider-Thief

and accomplice

steal ET!

And Spider-Man's

come in through

the skylight before?

Yes, but never

to steal anything.

I actually thought

Spidey was a hero.

And I actually thought

Pete was a human being!

But he was here

last night

taking pictures,

and couldn't

even be bothered

to call the police!

Don't bother, Gwen!

Bro had his

second chance.

I'm done!

Boss, I'd like a word!

How about "scram"?

Or two words, "Scram, kid"!

Or 17, "Get out of my office

in 2.3 seconds,

"or I'll staple you

to a flagpole!"

How did you count so

Uh, never mind.

I can't believe you're

printing flat-out lies!

Lies? You callow,

insubordinate pup!

The Bugle

only prints facts!

And whatever

it takes to connect

the facts together.

Yeah, but I was there,

uh, taking pictures

from the roof.

Spidey was trying

to stop Black Cat

from stealing the ooze!

She got away,

but they didn't

leave together.

Looked that way

to an amateur like you,

but it's standard

crook behavior.

They met up later

to divide the spoils.

Ask Dr. Connors!

He was there!

Last night?

Read the article, kid.

Connors didn't

discover the theft

till early this morning.

What?

Why would

Dr. Connors lie?

[CHUCKLES]

Spider-Man must be

quite confused

right about now.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello, General.

No, regretfully,

I have no alien

to deliver.

A known competitor

beat my team to the lab

by mere minutes.

Of course,

your down payment

will be refunded.

Goodbye.

So no paycheck?

No paycheck.

But this story

in the Bugle,

it's sparked an epiphany.

Mason, I need all

your mechanical ability.

And, Beck,

your special effects

expertise.

Yeah, so what else is new?

Which captain of industry

or high-ranking politico

you posing as this time,

Chameleon?

This time I have

someone a little

different in mind.

SPIDER-MAN: Black Cat

must have taken the muck.

Okay, so there's no proof

in any of my pictures,

but I know

I didn't take it!

And what's with Dr. C?

Spidey saved him

from a permanent case

of lizard-breath.

I mean, how could he betray

the old web-head that way?

And how am I ever

going to clear my friendly

neighborhood name?

SPIDER-MAN:

And the crazy thing?

They think I stole the alien.

I never even got

a good look at it!

Ooh, that's

a good look for you.

I'm flattered, truly.

See, I knew we made

a connection!

You! You're

the real thief.

[SCOFFS] Because

I stole your heart?

Heard it before, swinger.

What the heck?

I've been looking for you.

I know I don't like

being blamed for crimes

I didn't commit.

Or any crimes, really.

Bad for business.

So the frame-up

must really annoy

an ex-primary

color guy like you.

Huh? Uh, yeah.

You didn't steal

the ooze, did you?

You know I didn't,

short, dark

and handsome.

You were there.

So unless you took it

I didn't take it!

Calm down.

I didn't think so.

But if you're

fed up enough

with the thankless

hero thing

to match your image

to mine,

then I have to ask,

are we going to be

bad guys together,

partner?

Or just plain bad?

[CHUCKLES] Was it

something I said?

SPIDER-MAN: I guess

I found the ooze.

Or it found me.

Face it, Spidey.

Alien life has permanently

bonded itself to your suit.

Best case, you're in

for one monster of

a dry cleaning bill.

[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

Perfect,

now I'm flying

a glider!

Gotta get to Central Park!

No!

Eddie and I lost our parents

in a plane just like that.

Whoa!

Can't believe

I made that leap.

I hope I'm

strong enough

for this.

[GRUNTING]

Trouble is,

I'm not close enough

to a building

for my web to carry.

Still, nothin' to lose.

How slick!

But did I do that,

or did the ooze

actually upgrade

my spider-ness?

Look out!Run!

SPIDER-MAN: If I could use

the ooze to help more people

as Spider-Man,

and, not incidentally,

earn a bit more photo money

as Peter Parker,

then maybe it's okay

that I, sort of,

unintentionally

stole the slime

from the Connors' lab,

and maybe it's better

for everyone

if I don't return it.

'Course, that's not

really my call.

But obviously,

it was the right call.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I could get

used to this.

Hey, Aunt May!

[GROANS]Aunt May,

what's wrong?

Oh, Peter, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to frighten you.

It was just the heat

from the stove.

And I am a little tired.

I'm not surprised.

You've been

cooking nonstop.

There's enough food here

to feed the Rhino.

[STAMMERING]

I'm testing recipes.

We can give the extra

to the food drive.

Come on.

Let's get you to bed.

[CAR ALARM RINGING]

Spider-Man

just robbed a bank!

FLASH: Cut it out!

Aw, what's

the matter,

Fwashie?

Does the twuth hurt?

[ALL LAUGHING]

It's not the twuth!

I mean, it's not true.

Hey, if it's Make

Fun of Flash Day,

how can I help?

Wittle Fwashie's mad

because his hewo

turned out to be

a big cwook!

I told you!

The guy in the pictures

ain't the real Spidey.

Any guy can put on

a costume.

Puny Parker wore

one last week!

SALLY: Can Puny Parker

stick to walls

and sling webs?

Face it, Flash.

The Buglehas undeniable

photographic evidence.

Forget the Bugle!

There's no way

I'm ever going

to believe

Spider-Man's

turned to crime!

Then you're the only one!

[LAUGHING]

CHAMELEON:

No sudden moves,

friends.

Your friendly

neighborhood web-sh**ter's

in a frisky mood!

[WHISPERS]

Behind you.

My insect early-warning

system's tingling!

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

Fill 'er up!

JAMESON:

Wonderful! Perfect!

Tomorrow's front page!

Mr. Jameson,

these pictures

Too late, Parker.

Got all the pictures

I could ask for.

Best of all,

Joe anonymous

is letting me

have 'em for free!

As I predicted,

the web-head's

turned out to be just

another thug in a mask.

Soon he'll be caught,

jailed and run out of town!

How can he be jailed

and run out of town?

I'm giddy as a schoolgirl.

SPIDER-MAN: [SIGHS]

Never thought I'd be on

the lookout for

Well, me.

Hey, crime-spree!

Was hoping you'd swing

this way again.

Cat! Listen,

I'm innocent!

Obviously. Doesn't that

imposter know black is

the new red and blue?

I'd turn him

black and blue

if I could find him.

Well, as it happens

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

How can you be so

sure he'll hit here?

I think like a thief.

A boat full

of overdressed

fat cats

is a can't-miss

proposition.

Wait.

Ooh.

Mayor Waters is wearing

the Stuyvesant Tiger!

[SIGHS] I want it.

Cat, no door prizes.

Try focusing

on how we get aboard.

Please,

I'm a professional.

I come prepared.

Hello! So glad

you could make it!

I'm wearing a fortune

in borrowed jewels, Captain.

Let's get this boat moving

before a certain arachnid

decides to crash my party.

I still don't buy it,

Your Honor.

I've seen Spider-Man

in action.

I can't believe

he's turned to crime.

Believe it, Stacy!

The Bugle'sbeen

saying for weeks

the web-head's a fraud.

Now that I'm proven right,

I assume you've taken

the proper precautions.

GEORGE: Don't worry, Jonah.

My officers

are all on alert

for Spider-Man.

Besides, if he was coming,

he's too late now.

[CHATTERING]

Hors d'oeuvres,

Your Honor?

Norman!

Wonderful of you

to come.

Are you happy to see me,

or my contribution?

And if my answer

is "both"?

Then I'm investing

in an honest politician.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Demitasse, Sergeant?

SPIDER-MAN: Sweet ride!

Haven't you heard?

Crime pays!

I'm not listening.

[HUMMING]

[CHUCKLES]

Almost there.

Hold on tight!

Don't worry.

I don't slip.

Not why I said that.

[STAMMERING]

Uh, we're close enough.

Ooh, my kitty sense

is purring.

[MAN SNORING]

Guess Cat was right.

And so I raise my glass

to thank you

for all your support.

And after the election

your city will

thank you, too.

[ALL GASPING]

As will your friendly

neighborhood Spider-Thief!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]I knew it!

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

CHAMELEON:

Fill 'em up, folks!

Take him!

[SNORING]

Your Honor,

if you hold that

Tiger too tight,

I bite!

He's too tall.

This guy's a fraud.

Spider-Man is not a fraud!

Can't believe

I just said that.

[WHISPERS]

Behind you.

[GRUNTING]

That's spider

strength, people.

Think I can fake that?

SPIDER-MAN:

Actually, I do.

And who are you

supposed to be?

Spider-Man.

The real one.

The real one?

You don't even have

the costume right!

I'm in mourning

for my buried rep.

[GRUNTING]

Just like picklepuss

will be when he's forced

to print a retraction.

Retraction!

Listen, web-head,

nobody tells J. Jonah

See? Even

the jolly one

himself knows

I'm the genuine article!

[GRUNTING]

Now that's

spider strength!

Accept no substitutes.

Demitasse,

Spider-Man?

[ALL COUGHING]

MAYOR: They took the tiger!

We need to go!

Incoming!

[BOTH GASPING]

We'll let them

settle this

Spider-Man

to Spider-Man.

[PUNCHES LANDING]

Thanks, Cat,

I owe you one!

At least.

Whoa!

Wow. A new onesie.

I can feel it

balancing me.

Compensating for the boat,

the water, everything.

How about a taste

of spider punch?

Please tell me

I don't sound

like that!

Or at least that I offer

a higher quality quip.

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMING]

The one and only,

got it.

My hero.

You heard me,

a retraction!

[WHISPERING]

But on Page 42.

In four-point font.

[CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO]

I'm satisfied

you're innocent,

Spider-Man.

We'll find out

what Chameleon did

with the ET.

Actually, I sort of

SPIDER-MAN:

What are you doing?

You tell the truth

and they'll take

the suit away,

and you need

its power

to help people.

I sort of figured

you'd say that.

Then I'll say this, too.

As long

as you wear a mask,

some folks will

always wonder.

Night, Captain.Captain Stacy!

The tiger!

It's not here!

All right, Chameleon!

Where's the

[MUFFLED YELLING]

We made

a pretty good team.

Maybe you should

change sides.

Okay, then why

did you help me?

You really don't know?

Mmm.Oh.

[SIGHS]

Wow, Cat.

I had no idea you

felt that way.

Um, Cat?

Here, kitty,

kitty, kitty.

[GROANING]