01x03 - Natural Selection

[bunniefuu]

All right. Grab all the cash

from the register and safe.

But don't eat nothing!

Mrs. M's my great-auntie.

SPIDER-MAN:

So you'll rob

the piggy bank

but won't touch

the cookie jar?

Wow.

You must qualify

for nephew of the year.

Twisted division.

Spider-Man! Get him!

SPIDER-MAN:

"Spider-Man. Get him."

Really? Is that

the best you got?

I mean, I go

to all this trouble to turn

you into famous spider-perps.

The least you could do

is keep things interesting.

I always do.

I'm really

quite creative.

[EXCLAIMING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

SPIDER-MAN:

Now let's review

that to-do list.

Stop the crime. Check.

Took pictures of

my web-slinging self

to win theDaily Bugle' s

photo contest.

Check. Check.

Hightail it home

before curfew.

Check. Check. Check.

Yup.

For once I'm making

all the right moves.

All the smart choices.

MARTHA: Curt?

Yeah. Right there, hon.

[GROANING]

Living on the edge

Fighting crime

Spinning webs

Swinging from

the highest ledge

He can leap

above our heads

Villains on the rise

And the city's victimized

Looking up

with no surprise

Arriving

in the speed of time

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

[AUNT MAY SIGHS]

AUNT MAY: All these bills.

I'm home!

And before 10:00,

thank you very much.

Peter, making your curfew

with only seconds to spare

is hardly cause

for celebration.

Aunt May,

don't stress.

Okay?

I know you've

been struggling

to make ends meet.

But that's all

about to change.

Believe me.

CURT: Billy's reading

about lizards?

He wanted to know

about those new skinks

at the lab.

[YAWNS]

He is a Connors.

Come on.

Let's go to bed.

Yup. Aunt May's

troubles are over.

That Bugle prize money

is as good as

No! The window

caught the flash!

They're all useless!

[GROANING]

[MOANING]

[GROANING]

[SCREAMS]

Curt, what is it?

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

I can't believe it.

It worked!

What worked?

What did you

Curt,

tell me you didn't use

that lizard DNA formula.

Some lizards

regenerate lost limbs.

And some lizards

stick to walls and

eat raw meat.

That doesn't mean

you risk your life to

Martha,

look at the results!

Don't you see

what this means?

To me? To the world?

We can literally

heal millions of

Mom? Dad?

Hey, partner!

Whoa! Dad, your arm!

[LAUGHING]

[BELL RINGING]

[GIRL WHOOPING]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

[CHUCKLES]

There's Parker.

[LAUGHS]

This is perfect.

By the time we're through,

he'll be a shivering wet rat!

I mean, more than usual.

Dude, you missed.

[SCOFFS]

Dumb luck.

Jerk's lousy with it.

Hey, Puny Parker!

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

[ALL GASPING]

Whoa.

Check out Parker.

BOY:

They didn't

nail him once!

GIRL:

How'd he do that?

PETER:

Oh, secret identities reek.

Come on, quarterback,

can't you complete a single

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Move, geek-ette,

or you're next.

Please, you haven't

got the game.

If you could hit

a target under pressure,

would we have

lost to Bronx Tech?

You choked like

a cat with a hairball.

[STUDENTS CHUCKLING]

Dude, you want some

aloe vera for that burn?

Come on, Einsteins.

[RAND CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING]

Anything's better than just

standing there and taking it.

Excuse me?

Standing there

and taking it is

Nerd Survival 101.

Besides, I got

bigger problems.

Still no

Spider-Man

pictures, huh?

Pete, counting on

winning that prize money

for your aunt might not be

Well, what else

am I supposed to do?

I never asked

to be broke or

semi-grounded

or smart enough to be

Flash's drenching boy.

You stop right there.

I'm so not letting you

wish away your big brain.

If it's so big,

how come it can't

solve my problems?

Big but unripe.

Give it time,

cantaloupe boy.

About time!

The Connors are

due back any minute.

Here, bro.

We've still

got cleaning

Save it

for later,

kids.

First, we celebrate.

Ooh, cake!

BOTH: Chocolate!

What exactly are we

[STUTTERING]

Your hand.

Your right hand.

[EDDIE GRUNTING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[LAUGHS]

Got you!

Uh, sorry.

What, are you kidding?

Do you know how thrilled I am

to lose at arm wrestling?

Doc, this is huge!

Your lizard formula

is the cure for, like,

every lost limb and

amputation in the world!

We're talking

guaranteed Nobel Prize.

MARTHA: [CHUCKLES]

Slow down, Eddie.

Bad enough my husband

used himself as a guinea

Billy, Eddie installed

Space Whackos 2

on the office computer.

Whackos? Wicked!

If you're gonna

crank the volume,

close the door, please!

Take off your shirt, dear.

What, are you kidding?

It's freezing in here.

All right.

What?

MARTHA: Lizard DNA

is more primitive

than human.

And the reptilian part

of your brain is growing.

It's growing.

I'm regressing.

I can feel the change.

[GROANING]

Curt, please.

You need to keep

a clear head.

No, you need to hurry.

I'm losing control.

[SIGHING]

The formula creates

new reptile sequences

faster than I can ID them.

I don't know how we'll

ever knock 'em all down.

Wait, bro.

What if we work

from the other end?

Create a human DNA

filter that knocks

out the lizard code?

Like the noise filter

on a cell phone.

Yeah. Nice try, bro, but

No, wait!

That could work.

A gene cleanser.

Yes. Yes, of course.

I should have

seen it before.

My notes.

They'll have all

the data we need.

So it'll remove

any non-human DNA.

Even spider.

Hey, Billy.

How long were

you listening?

I don't want

to talk about that.

Okay.

What do you want

to talk about?

The book says

some lizards lay

hundreds of eggs

and never see them hatch.

Uh-huh.

Most of the babies

get eaten by predators.

And the parents

don't even care,

[WHISPERS]

'cause they've only

got lizard brains.

Billy, trust me.

Your dad will always

care about you.

Even if he turns

into a monster?

[CURT YELLING]

Curt!

I've made a terrible mistake.

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[ROARING]

Curt? Curt,

do you recognize me?

[GASPING]

Doc, stop!

We just want to

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[HISSING]

Eddie?Finish the gene cleanser.

I'll follow the doc

and call in with

a location.

I should get going, too.

Aunt May'll ground me

if I'm not home by 10:00.

Pete,

you can't leave now.

We have to help.

Well, I just

I can't be late.

She worries.

Peter, wait!

How could he just

I guess

I guess he's scared.

First Electro,

now this.

It's overwhelming.

And he's only 16.

I'm 16!

I know.

And thank you.

[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

Now if I were a 6'5" lizard

instead of a 5'6" spider,

where would I hide?

[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

Duh! Underground.

[LIZARD HISSING]

Don't panic.

Just head for the exit.

[EXCLAIMS]

[SCREAMS]

SPIDER-MAN: Sorry, pal.

No eating in the subway.

Dr. Connors,

we have to get you back

to the lab, understand?

Dr. C, you in there?

[SCREECHING]

Okay, maybe not.

Oh, yikes.

Can you say,

"Halitosis"?

I knew that you could.

Okay, Doc.

This is gonna hurt me

more than it hurts you.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

Yeah.

Definitely hurts me

more than you.

[ROARS]

[EXCLAIMS]

Whoa!

Watch that third rail,

web head.

[GROANING]

Okay, Lizzy.

Where'd you get to now?

Hey, wall crawling

is my schtick!

Hey, you start spinning

a web and I'll sue!

[EXCLAIMS]

[GROANING]

MAN ON PA: Number 2

express to the Bronx.

Please stand clear

of the closing doors.

[GROANING]

Anyone get the number

of that Uh-oh.

[MOANING]

[THUDDING]

[ALL GASPING]

[ALL SCREAM]

Okay, you big, dumb gecko.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

So much for plan A.

We're done?

I think so.

It all squares

with Curt's research.

Of course,

there's only

one way to test it.

And since Curt's

hide is so thick,

we'll have to find

a way to make him drink it.

Maybe by asking

for help from a guy in

a spider-themed onesie.

BOTH: Spider-Man!

I get that reaction a lot.

How did you know

we needed you?

My spider-sense was tingling?

[RINGING]

Hello?It's me.

He's at the Bronx Zoo.

[HISSING]

Tell your friend

to stay clear

of the Lizard.

I'm on my way.

Was thatOur local hero.

He'll be there soon,

and I'll be right

behind him.

Gwen, can you

stay with Billy?

Of course.

Dr. Connors!

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]

[GASPS]

I get that reaction

a lot, too.

I think he's

in there with the

other creepy-crawlies.

Must have smelled 'em

or something.

Good. Stay put.

[SIGHS]

Ooh. Like a sauna in here.

And me without

my spidey trunks.

[GROWLING]

Got you!

Oh! Perfect.

The in-laws!

[COUGHING]

Thought I told you

to stay put.

You're complaining?

No way, bro

Uh, guy.

Look, we need

a new strategy.

Lizzy's not in

a medicine-taking mood.

Not when he's so

enjoying his play date

in the heated pool.

Wait a minute.

SPIDER-MAN:

The fake swamp was heated.

But dunk a cold-blooded

reptile in freezing

polar bear water,

and he'll slow up.

Right. Slow enough

for someone to force

a little

gene cleanser

down his throat.

But first, you need

to get him here.

With lizard bait.

Don't even think aboutMy choice!

Try to stop me.

[SIGHS]

I'm impressed, bro.

Okay, prep time.

First, make sure the

polar bears don't take

a midnight swim.

Check. Next.

Find the perfect spot

to bounce Lizard

into the drink.

Check. Check.

The perfect angle.

[SCREAMING]

[EXCLAIMS]

Now for the crucial

element of surprise.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[GRUNTS]

[HISSING]

BILLY: Dad, stop!

You don't have

to be a lizard!

You're still my dad!

[HISSING]

Did you skateboard here?

I took a cab. Duh!

Brought you a present,

Lizzy.

Gene cleanser!

Guaranteed to remove

your toughest stains!

Grease, mustard,

even lizard DNA.

[GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

EDDIE:

Pictures and everything.

But who could have

taken these?

Check the byline.

[STAMMERING]

Did you see?

There's no shots of Billy

or Dr. Connors or

anything to prove

that he was the Lizard.

And that's supposed to

Bro, you ditched

the antidote effort

to win a contest!

Eddie, it's all right.

Besides,

I'm not exactly

in a position

to throw stones.

Peter, you're young.

And faced with

difficult choices,

young people sometimes

make mistakes.

Thanks for understanding.

I understand you,

but I can't trust you.

You're fired.

SPIDER-MAN:

I never asked

to be Spider-Man.

I never asked

for these powers.

I never knew it would

mean a bashed-up hand,

a hard 9:00 p.m. curfew,

no job

and friends

who all think I'm scum.

It was all just

a twist of fate.

Bad luck.

A random bug bite.

Easiest decision

I ever made.

Except

Except, I saved him.

Spider-Man's no magic wand.

But thanks

to the web head,

Curt's cured

and Billy gets

his father back.

So what if nobody

threw a parade?

Spidey stays

'cause Spidey's needed.

For now, anyway.