01x07 - The Kongo Spider

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Look, up on the building!
It's Spider-Woman!

NARRATOR:
And this is Jessica Drew who,

as a child while visiting
her father's laboratory,

was bitten by a poisonous spider.

Forced to try an untested spider serum,

Dr. Drew not only saved
his daughter's life,

but unknowingly gave her
incredible spider-like powers.

Dedicated to fighting evil

while weaving her web of justice,

it's Spider-Woman!

[LIGHTNING CRACKING]

[GROWLS]

[PANTHER SNARLING]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLING]

Great arachnids!
My spider-sense was right.

That giant jungle spider
has got to be stopped.

Hey, you overgrown insect, put them down.

I'd better stop that giant spider

before he gives my family a bad name.

[GROWLS]

Uh-oh. Got to act fast.

My venom blast will do the trick.

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLING]

I'd better get back to Justice Magazine

before I miss my lunch date
with Jeff and Billy.

Cut! Print! That was perfect.

This is going to be the greatest
adventure film ever made.

Right, CB.

And with Spider-Woman as the star,

it'll be a box office blockbuster.

Yes. And her co-star
will be just as great.

Too bad neither of them
will be around for the premiere.

JEFF: When I said I'd take
you out to lunch, Jessica,

this wasn't quite what I had in mind.

JESSICA:
Oh, that's okay, Jeff. [GULPS]

This way, we can get back to work quicker

and get out this month's issue
of Justice Magazine on time.

Hey, get a load of this.

"Spider-Woman saves African village
from giant Kongo spider."

This is big news.
We got to cover this story.

What's to cover? Sounds like the story's
already wrapped up to me.

JESSICA: Uh-oh. Something tells me
that story isn't over.

It looks like that giant jungle spider
hasn't learned its lesson yet.

I think Billy's developing
a good nose for news.

And as soon as we get to Africa,
we'll find out.

Hey. Looks like Spider-Woman
is becoming a real superhero.

Uh, I mean, super-heroine.

Well, old Spidey, better check out
that African village,

just in case.

After all, I wouldn't want a woman spider

getting all the headlines.

There it is. That's the village
where the spider attacked.

JEFF: I'll set her down
in that clearing below.

We can hike to the village from there.

Oh, no! It's the Kongo spider!

JESSICA:
Let's get out of here.

[SPIDER GROWLING]

JESSICA:
Jumping spiders!

Uh, I mean, we'd better jump
if we don't want that spider to get us.

[SPIDER GROWLS]

JEFF: Oh, no! We're stuck
in the spider's giant web.

It's incredible. What drama.
What jeopardy. What a movie.

Zoom in for a close-up, Frank.

If my hunch is right,
our co-star should be arriving any second.

All right, CB.

JESSICA:
Snapping spider bites!

I can't spider-change
in front of Billy and Jeff.

But if I don't do something fast,

there may not be
any Spider-Woman left to change into.

[GROWLING]

It's Spider-Man.

Again? Just, uh, stick around
while Spidey does his thing.

Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man.

I don't know what we would have done
without you.

I hate to change the subject,
but you three better split.

The danger isn't over.

Thanks for the advice. We'll be careful.

Cut! That was wonderful, Spider-Man.

A brilliant performance.

I'm glad you liked it.

You'd better let me go before I get
madder than a trapped tarantula.

[LAUGHING]

Very funny, Spider-Man.

But this isn't a comedy.
And you are going nowhere.

-CB: Gopher.
-Yes, CB.

CB:
Prepare the next set.

When those three reporters
arrive at the village,

I'll get a million dollars'
worth of publicity.

[LAUGHING]

JEFF:
Phew! We made it.

BILLY: Gosh. Looks like
someone's sh**ting a movie.

I wonder what this stuff is doing here.

CB: I can answer that.
JEFF: Who are you?

Why, he's the greatest
director in the world.

Thank you, gopher.
And thank you, Miss Drew,

for coming all the way to Africa

to cover the filming of the greatest
movie epic of my career,

The Kongo Spider.

Featuring the two greatest superstars
in the entire world.

And just who would they be?

Why, Spider-Man and Spider-Woman,
of course.

JESSICA: I think Spider-Woman
may have something to say about that.

Golly. That's great.

We have filming to do. Come, gopher.

Something's strange about that guy.

Yes. Very strange.

CB:
Quiet on the set!

-Roll it.
-FRANK: Camera rolling, CB.

I've got to get out of this
mad director's movie.

Looks like I may not be around
to pick up my Oscar.

BILLY: Gee, what's taking Spider-Man
and Spider-Woman so long to get here?

They're probably having a fight
over who gets to weave the biggest web.

JESSICA: Trembling tarantulas!
I'm getting another spider-sense.

And by the looks of things,

Spider-Man's about to become
a water spider the hard way.

Uh, listen, guys,
stay here until the director comes.

I've got something important
to take care of.

I guess that director was right after all.

Spider-Woman's about to make
a starring appearance.

I may be able to save Spider-Man
with a spidery tightrope act.

CB: It's fantastic.
This is the cl*max I've been waiting for.

Marvelous! Marvelous!
Keep the camera rolling.

Wow. There must be an easier way
to become a star.

Hang on. I'll save us.

Hey, not bad, little lady.
It's almost as good as I'd have done.

Come on. I think it's time
we dealt with that mad movie-maker.

CB:
Bravo! Bravo!

A superlative acting job.

What makes you think we're acting?

We get out of here,
you'll really see a performance.

Take them to the next set.

We're ready for the final scene.

JEFF: I don't think that
CB character's going to show.

Look, there's Spider-Man
and Spider-Woman now.

Quiet on the set!

Wow, this Hollywood stuff sure is great.

Action!

[TRIBAL DRUM PLAYING]

Hey. Haven't I seen you
at the disco before?

[GROWLS]

This is the scene I've been waiting for.

It will draw millions at the box office.

Golly, that wacko director
isn't fooling around.

CB: Good. Good. Now show me
some more terror, Spider-Man.

Remember, you only have
seconds more to live.

-Thanks for reminding me.
-[GROWLS]

CB: Wonderful.
Now say goodbye to each other.

I want some real emotion
before the spider eats you.

I think I'm losing my love for spiders,
and fast.

We may have a chance
if my spider-telepathy

can work on that oversized bedbug.

SPIDER-WOMAN: It's working.
He's following my telepathic commands.

No! No!

Cut! You've ruined my scene.

[GROWLS]

Ah! Help. Let's get out of here.

[SPIDER ROARING]

Well, I stopped him, Spidey.

Not too bad for a female, hmm?

Not bad at all, Spider-Woman.

Now, with a little help from me,

you could be a top-notch,
web-crawling wall-climber.

When you're ready for some pointers,
just give me a call.

Till then, see you.

That was terrific, Spider-Woman.

You really showed that dizzy director.

Thanks. But I'll take spidering
over stardom any day.

Speaking of stardom,
I wonder where Jessica got lost.

We'd better find her before
she gets into trouble. Come on, Billy.

Ready, CB? We're all loaded up.

Those spidery superheroes
have ruined my ending.

But, fortunately,

I had my special effects people

prepare for just such an emergency.

I'll film my new ending scene in Paris.

[LAUGHING]

Aunt Jessica.

JEFF:
What are you doing in there?

There's a snake out there.

You mean this one?

You missed all the action, Aunt Jessica.

Spider-Man and Spider-Woman
stopped the Kongo spider

and chased that crazy director
out of the country.

And wait till you see the photos I got.

In that case, let's get out of this jungle

and get the story to the presses.

It's all ready to go, CB.
Here are the controls.

Take off the tarp, gopher.

Right, CB.

[BOTH GASPING]

CB: It's perfect.
Now I can finish my movie.

And Spider-Woman's spider tricks
will do her no good.

And best of all, no more temperamental
spiders to work with.

[BEEPS]

[DRONING]

[THUD]

Compass heading 315 degrees.

Justice Magazine, here we come.

JESSICA:
Oh, no, not another spider-sense.

Unless I'm crazy,
that disastrous director is at it again.

Say, Jeff, since we're
in the neighborhood,

how about flying us to Paris

so I can get some of that
expensive French perfume?

We're not exactly in the neighborhood,
Jessica, but you're the boss.

JEFF: Here we are, Jessica.
Paris, the city of love.

So, uh, what do you say we take a stroll
along the Seine River?

I don't think that's such a good idea,
Jeff.

Look, it's another giant spider.

Oh, well, we might as well get closer
and take some photos while we're here.

No. I'm afraid of spiders.

Just duck behind the back seat, Jessica.
You'll be safer there.

I hope you're right.

Now's my chance to change to Spider-Woman.

CB:
Marvelous! Marvelous!

This is the best footage yet.

An epic in the making.

Your time is up,
you transistorized tarantula.

[LAUGHING]

I knew she would return.

Now for the ending of the film
and Spider-Woman.

Withering web-lines,
I'm being out-spidered.

Oh, no, Spider-Woman's in trouble.

We've got to get in closer and help her.

Incredible, this scene
is better than I ever dreamed.

I'll destroy them all.

Uh-oh.

Looks like Spider-Woman
is trying to steal my spotlight again.

Lucky I followed that dizzy director.

This time I'll put an end to him for good.

This time I'll be playing for real.

Hi, little lady.
Have no fear, Spidey's here.

All you got to do is pull out this pin
and you're home free.

Thanks. I'll get the copter.

You stop this mechanized monster.

No strain, just leave it to me.

No! They're getting away.
That's not in the script.

Just my luck,
it doesn't come with a book of directions.

Oh, well, here goes nothing.

Look, it's after us.

[SHRIEKS]

[SHRIEKS]

Easy, baby, nobody likes a loudmouth.

That was beautiful, Spider-Man.

A real surprise ending
to that crackpot director's film.

Speaking of happy endings,

how about having lunch with me
at a little French cafe?

Sorry, maybe next time.
I've got to be going.

Fine. You'd think a spider
asked her out every day.

You missed another exciting one, Jessica.

Yeah. It's all clear, Aunt Jessica.
You can come out now.

Are you sure we're safe?

Yup, Spider-Woman and Spider-Man
took care of everything.

Oh, gee, it's too bad
I got a scaredy-aunt.

Why can't you be more like Spider-Woman?

Look, there's a spider on your shoulder.

-Get it off!
-[LAUGHING]

Just kidding, Billy.

Why can't you be more like Spider-Man?

[JEFF LAUGHING]

[JEFF LAUGHING]