03x08 - Cardburkey

[bunniefuu]

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

[Crying]

[Sighs] what's
the matter, mother?

Oh...nothing.

[Sniffles, sobs]

I swear, if you don't
stop crying,

I'm going to haul off and--

Try it. I'll break
your arm off

And shove it
up your bum!

Do that and I'll
turn my back on you

And slap you
about the face

With my newly acquired
bum arm!

I'll bite
that bum arm off,

Chew it up, and spit
the bone fragments
into your eyes,

Puncturing
the optical orbs,

Causing the eyeball
liquid to stream down

Into your lungs
and drown you!

Mother, that's
pretty harsh.

Why are we fighting
like this?

I know. We never fought
when brak was here.

Why did he have to
move out, anyway?

Well, here he is
for the 14th time today.
Ask him yourself.

Honey, have you decided
to move back in?

No, mother.
I'm a man now.

I do man things.

I'm thinking about
growing a beard,

And then growing a beard
on that beard.

And then, on that beard,

A moustache!

So, how are things
in the new place?

Outstanding, dad!

Any minute now,
my new bachelor pad
will be overflowing

With hot, squeezable tail

Ready to run their
fingers over my man face.

But why did you have to
move out to meet girls?

Mother, do you know
how sissified it is

For a hot young dude
like brak

To bring girls home
to his parents' house?

It's super
sissified, mom.

Damn straight it is.

Is living in
a cardboard box
any better?

Well, that depends
on the woman.

Some women
dig corrugation.

Brak, was there
something you needed, dear?

Yeah, I was
just wonderin'

If my undies
were ready, mommy.

Not yet. They're on
their third wash cycle.

What do you do with
those things, anyway?

Oh, h* h* h* h* h*!

I see.

Well...

I guess I better
get back to my pad.

Them girls ain't
kissin' themselves.

If they start,
you know where to find me!

I love that business.

[Buzzer goes off]

It sounds like
my baby's undies
are done.

I'll go and put them
in the dryer,

Make them
nice and fluffy.

[Doorbell rings]

Mother, the door.

[Doorbell rings twice]

Mother, the door!

Bugger off, you silly little
ineffectual w*nk*r!

All right, fine.
Sure. No problem.

I'll get the door.
Yeah.

But whoever's at the door
is going to wish

They never made me
get up off of my sweet a*s!

Good day to you, sir.

You should say good day
to my a*s,

Which you made me
get off of from my chair

To come get this door.

All right, good day
to your a*s, sir.

Would you care
to do a kind deed

For an old man
down on his luck?

Perhaps a drop of ale
and a crust of bread.

Ha ha!

Hey, how about a crust
of nothing,

And for dessert,
a door in your face!

Harrumph!

[Speaking spanish rapidly]

Brak:
ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, man. Good one,
conan. What a zinger.

Excuse me. Would you
care to do a kind deed

For a downtrodden
old man?

Absolutely, buddy.
Come on in!

Conan's on.

Hey, everybody,
I'm conan o'brien.

Thanks for watching
my show.

Did you hear what
the president said today?

It sure was funny.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

I get it!

Conan, you're the king
of late-night.

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, yeah.

But the thing is,
I'm so very hungry.

Could you spare me
a little bite to eat?

You're in luck, my man.

I just pulled
a 12-pound cardburkey

Out of my cardboven.

And you would share
this dubious feast

With a total stranger?

I would, indeed.

Then we have a winner!

For I am generositus,

Son of graciotimus
and god of all kindness.

I bring down the powers
of mount olympitus,

Maccalapapapapapapatopoulus,

To grant you one wish

As reward for your
kind intentions.

Waah?!

I am a god!
Make your wish now!

I command it!

[Static]

Hot pants calling
loving spoonful.

Come in, loving spoonful.
Over.

My boy clarence.

He cribs in the box
next door.

We run together.

Loving spoonful
calling the hot pants.

What's up, pants?

I'm showered and powdered
and ready to be deflowered.

Have you bagged any babes yet,
spoonful? Come back.

That's a negatory
on the babe-o baggings,
hot pants.

I await your wishmaking,
young thundercat.

Listen, hot pants,
I got a god over here.

I'm gonna have to
sign off. Over.

What?! [Panting]

Hey!
That's not a broad.

I didn't say broad,
stupid. I said god.

He's here
to grant me a wish.

And you're running
out of time.

Oh, there's a time limit?

Ok, um...uh...
I want a million dollars.

How about
a million dollars?

It cannot be
monetary.

Aw, man!

Wish for a date!
For both of us.

No carnal pleasures.

Forbidden!

Why not?

No food.

Then how about--

Then ask for
a spaceship.

No spaceships.

Then I'll take
a couple of pairs of--

No magic pants.
How about a radio?

Ok. I'd like that.

No radio!
Something else.

How about a date
with farrah fawcett?

How about a date
with benjamin franklin?

I could probably
make that happen.

He's too old.

Yeah, but he invented
lightning.

No one invented
lightning.

Burt reynolds did.
I saw it in a movie.

stoker ace?

No. hooper, stupid.

...and 5, 4...

I said a movie,
not a travesty.

[Buzzer sound]

Time is up.
You blew it.

Oh, man, that stinks.

I'll tell you
what doesn't stink.

That hot broad I got stashed
in clarence's box.

Aah! There's a woman
in my box?

And she's ready
to rock.

She is?
I wanna rock.

You know what?

I don't feel like
rocking right now,

So why don't you
head on over there

And rock her for me?

Can my friend brak
come with me?

She don't rock that way.
It's one or none.

Go ahead, clarence.
You've earned it.

Here I go,
into the great wide open!

Ha ha ha ha
h* hee h*!

Heh heh heh!

What's so funny,
zorak?

Quiet! I
wanna listen.

Ha ha ha
ha h* hee hee h*!

Hello. My name is clarence.
Please be gentle.

[Clarence screaming]

There's nothing like
the sound of a blood cat

Mauling a fat kid.

She likes it
kind of rough, huh?

Heh heh heh heh!
Yeah.

[Clarence whimpering]

Eh, who's the old geezer?

I am generositus,

Son of graciotimus

And god
of all kindness.

Yeah, right! He says
he grants wishes,

But he don't grant crap!

There are rules.

You violated
the time limit.

So you grant
wishes, huh?

Yes. But only
to those who perform
acts of kindness.

Ehh. That's really
not my specialty.

He's more into
pain distribution.

I'll demonstrate.

Hey, zorak, how you
doin' today, friend?

Oof!

[Pow]

That's my zorak.

♪ Bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum baah ♪

Gimme a wish before
I cram a badger
down your throat

And strap a t-bone steak
to your a*s.

I may be from
out of town,

But I don't see how
that qualifies
as an act of kindness.

It is for the badger.

Eventually he eats
his way through
to the steak.

That's a good meal
for a badger.

They don't usually
get steak.

So let's see,
what should I wish for?

Put down the badger.

Put it down.

Come to think of it--

My wish is to do
the badger trick backwards.

So put the steak
in your mouth
and bend over.

I don't think so.

Fuzzah!

Aah! You cast zorak
into the cardboven.

And I also turned him
into cardboard.
Did you notice?

Oh, yeah,
look at that.

Hey, where's the badger?

He's steak-hunting
in zorak's
cardboard colon.

Isn't that ironic?
Ha ha!

I wanted to be
the god of irony,

But that went to
ironicus.

Hey, brak, what's up?

Ugh! What happened
to you, dad?

Son, I just learned
a valuable lesson.

Never cross
your sweet, loving mother

Unless--and this is
a key point--

Unless you want
your arm ripped off

And shoved up your a*s.

Thanks, dad.

I'll remember that
forever.

Hey, uh--uh--
can I stay here tonight?

Your mother threw me out.

Sure, dad.
My box is your box.

Hey, what's this old
fart-knocker doing
in my new house?

Your son
invited me in.

Well, invite yourself out

Before I smack you
with my bum arm.

Come on, big boy,

Put your face
down here.

I'll knock the farts
out of you!

I have
a better idea.

Buttassafass!

You did not just do that.

That wasn't very nice
what you just did to my dad!

Would you like
some of the same?

I would not, sir.

[Passes gas loudly]

Uh-oh. I got to go
to the can.

Oh, I am not looking
forward to this.

That...

[Inhales]

Was incredible.

Clarence? I thought
you'd be dead.

Clarence the boy
is dead.

Meet clarence the man
who just had sex.

[Inhaling]

Pfft.

And loved it!

You had sex
with a blood cat?

The first time.

But after that,
my athletic

And somewhat unorthodox
lovemaking...

[Inhales]

Transformed her back
into the beauty she was

Before a horrible spell
was cast upon her.

Or maybe it was just
my giant wiener.

Either way, it happened.

Girl: clarence,
where are you?

I need your
sweet passion, baby!

I'm in here,
my love!

It's ready for ya.

Ruby!

G? Is that you, baby?!

Baby, where you been?

You went out for
smokes that night
and never came back.

I know! I ran into your mom
at the sip and lube

And the old wh*re
cast a spell on me.

Made me into a blood cat.

And that's how it's been

Till clarence here came
along and did me right.

Several times,
I might add.

It was really
only once.

There was lots of
fumbling in the dark.

Oh, ok.

Most of what he did
was to himself.

Ruby, have you had
a previous relationship
with this gentleman?

Yes. She is my wife.

I'd like to thank you
for freeing her
from her spell.

To show my gratitude,

I will grant brak
his wish.

Hot dog!

What about me?
Don't I get a wish?

Well, you did
nail my wife.

Yes, sir...i did.

[Inhales]

Oh, yeah.

So, brak,
I await your wish.

Ok. Ok.

Ok, ok, ok, ok.

Uh...ok, ok, uh...

I wish--i wish I were...

A penguin!

A penguin.

Yeah.
That's what I want.

Come on, boy.
You can do better
than that.

Wish for something
bigger.

Did you have to make us
all penguins?

He said wish for
something bigger.

I couldn't think
of anything.

I really think the family
took to me as your replacement,

Wouldn't you say, ducky?

Check the internet, honey.
I'm still the star here.

This sure beats having
a badger in my colon.

Hubba dubba doh!

Long live penguincleese!

Away!

This cold is making
my wiener small.

Aah!

This is stupid.

I wish we weren't penguins

And that our show
wasn't canceled.