02x09 - Pepper

[bunniefuu]

[Music plays]

Look at me, mother.
I'm reading my paper.

That's nice, dear.

Now I'm thinking about
what I've just read.

Ok, time to read
some more.

Ha, isn't that
interesting?

What's that?

The mother ship is making
its thousand-year visit

To our planet to select...

The lucky one.

Brak: the lucky one?

What are they gonna do
with the lucky one, dad?

Well, I assume they're
going to take him away,

Make him their king
or emperor or something.

Why else would they go
to all the trouble?

Wow! Who do you think
they're going to pick?

Right here, buddy.

Put your eyes
on the prize.

Oh, really?

And why do you think
they're going to pick you?

Well, because I'm
super special, mother.

I'm sure the aliens
have equipment

To detect
super-speciality.

I mean, they can fly
their fancy spaceships
through space, right?

Well, how do you know
they won't select brak?

Or me?

Or me?

What are you jerks
talking about?

The mother ship.

Oh, yeah, I heard
about that.

Pretty lame.

Not if you're the one
they pick, it isn't.

Why do you think
they won't pick
me, daddy?

Why?

Brak, I love you
like a brother,

But you're crazy, man.

They don't pick up
people like you,

They drop them off.

Ah, poop.

And why wouldn't they
pick me?

You? Ha ha!
Sorry, you're a woman.

Everyone knows
that women
are not equipped

For golf
or space travel.

Space is a vacuum,
buttercup,

Not a place that needs
to be vacuumed.

You know what?
I hope they do
pick you.

They're not going
to pick any
of you losers.

Look at you.

'Cause I'm looking
at you,

And I'm laughing.

Moo-ha! Ha ha ha!

Oh, laugh while you can,
you walking stink wagon.

Pheh. I hear
these mother ships

Are nothing but giant
lunch wagons, anyway.

I'll bet you 50 bucks
you get fed to some
slimy-talking worm.

Heh heh ha ha ha!

h* h* h* h*!

Your scare tactics
do not frighten
the lucky one.

Do you think
my alien brothers
would choose

A coward
as their new leader?

No, because then
you'd be going.

But you're not, are you?

You're stuck down here
with your stink bombs

And mustache-drawing
markers.

Remind me to laugh
at your pathetic life

From my glorious kingdom
in outer space.

But, dad,
I don't want you to go.

What am I going to do
for a dad if you leave?

Oh, I'm sure
the mother-shippers
will leave you

With a suitable
substitute.

Echo: suitable substitute,
suitable substitute...

Can I borrow the car,
gum-ball dad?

I don't think
you should let brak

Take the car,
gum-ball dear.

He doesn't know
how to drive.

But he knows
how to eat gum ba*ls.

That's good enough for me.

Gee, thanks,
gum-ball dad.

Hey, I was thinking
about staying out

All night
with the wild crowd.

Is that all right?

Mmm, that sounds
dangerous.

And what goes better
with danger than gum ba*ls!

[All laugh]

All the colors
of the rainbow!

Whee!

Oh, I love you,
gum-ball dad.

What are you
talking about?

Zorak: who cares
what he's
talking about?

Who cares about any
of this crap?

Come on, dork,
we're going
to the movies.

Oh, what are you
going to see?

a*s disaster 4.

I beg your pardon?

No son of mine
is going to see

A movie
with that title.

No, sir.

Actually, the title is
a bit misleading,
brak's mom.

The film, in fact,
is about, um...

Donkeys?

Yeah, donkeys.
There you go.

Heh heh heh.
Donkeys.

Oh, I don't know.

Aw, come on, mother.

What can go wrong
when donkeys are around?

Nothing,
that's what.

You see, in the film,
a school bus is on fire.

The kids are cooking,
and the donkeys just
blow in there--

Aah! No spoilers!

Oh, there's more.

[Quietly]
trust me, pal,
you'll see some things

You've never
seen before.

Are you talking
about super donkeys?

'Cause I like
the sound of that.

Heh heh.
You're in for
a surprise, chief.

Well, I suppose
you boys can go, then.

Let's hit it.

Thanks, mom.

Now, you're sure these are
super donkeys, right, zorak?

'Cause I don't want
to see no movie
about no regular donkey,

Not when super donkeys
are on the table.

No, sir.

Oh, look, there's
mr. Thundercleese.

I wonder who
he's talking to.

Brak: howdy-do there,
mr. Thundercleese!

Who's that
you're talking to?

I wasn't talking,
I was listening.

Earlier in the conversation
I was talking,

But you weren't here,
so how did you know?

Are you spying on me?

No, sir,
I was just--

See to it that you don't.
My privacy is sacred.

Those who violate it
will be incinerated.

Hee-yah!

Hello, gentlemen.
My name is pepper.

Oh, hi, pepper.
My name is salty dog.

I'm a fisherman.

His name is brak,
and he's a fool.

I think he's
perfectly charming.

Say, brak, who's
your friend there?

The name's zorak,
with a "z,"

The sexiest letter
in the alphabet.

The mantis is trouble.
Stay away from him.

Oh, I like trouble.
It interests me.

Oh, really?

Then I must
interest you.

Well, it's early
in the game yet,

But we'll see
how it shakes out.

Oh, it'll shake out.

This I can
assure you.

Stupid robot
not so tough.

Tell me when
you've had enough.

Uh, aah, uh!

[Man giggles]

You will die!
Hoo-hah!

Excuse me, but brak has
a question for pepper.

Pepper, you're not
from around here,
are you, pepper?

No, brak.

I'm in town doing
some consulting
for a large firm.

I know a large firm
you can consult with
any time, baby.

Hmm, does that patter
usually work for you?

'Cause it's working
on me.

Oh, there's a lot more
where that came from.

[Quietly]
and I'll show you
where I keep it.

Hey, zorak, we're gonna be
late for the picture.

Shut up.
I'm making time here.

But what about
the donkeys?

[Roars]

Aaah!

Come on, sugar legs.

What do you say
we go fog up
some windows?

Hmm, that sounds nice,
but I really have
a lot to do.

Yeah, you do,

'Cause there's
a lot of me
to handle.

Ruff.

Oh, you dirty
little baby.

Ooh, you think
I need a scrubbin'?

Come on,
scrub me down.

Actually, I wouldn't mind
getting a bite to eat.

Oh, ok, ok,
your play, baby.

First we dine,
then you're mine.

[Laughs devilishly]

Man, on tv: well, folks,
tomorrow's the big day.

The mother ship will arrive
to select the lucky one.

Everyone is wondering
who it will be.

Well, they can
stop wondering,

Because it's already
been settled.

I'm the one
they're taking,

This sweet, little
package right here.

Say, honey, why are you
so anxious to leave us?

Mother, it's not so much
that I want to leave,

It's that I am leaving.

It is destiny,

And destiny is
a demanding mistress.

When she calls you,
you can't say,

"Ooh, is it all right
if I soak in the tub
for a few more minutes?"

Or, "I'm not ready.

I haven't combed
my hair yet. Ooh!"

Destiny won't have any
of that hooey, no sir.

She wants you
dressed and ready

In your space captain
rocket suit by 7:00 sharp.

So you see, mother,

I must do what fate
has demanded of me...

[Yawns]

No matter how difficult
it will be for both of us.

[Snores]

Yes, you rest, my sweet.

Tomorrow, your candy man
is off to the stars.

Toot, toot!
Ahoy, mateys!

Brak, where have you been?

I was
at the movies, mom.

For 36 hours?

I must have lost
track of time.

All the hype was
true, mom.

If you see
one film
in your life,

Make sure it's
a*s disaster 4.

Well, I'm just glad
you're home safe.

Yeah, me, too.

Brak, where the heck
did you put

My night vision
party goggles?

I need them
for my mission.

Hey, I need
some cologne,
a sledgehammer,

And a raincoat--now!

Ooh, sounds like someone's
got himself a date.

Oh, that's right,
I forgot to tell you.

Zorak has a lover.

[Kissing sounds]

Oh, babe, I love you.
This is good stuff.

[Kissing sounds]

[High-pitched voice]
I love you, too, zorak.

[Smack]

Dolt!

I guess
I had that coming.

Oh, it's so wonderful
to be in love,

Isn't it, darling?

Yeah, just don't
procreate.

You never know
what you're
going to get.

Hey, zorak, what's
that thing on your arm?

Oh, that's
my new tat.
Check it out.

Brak: "pepper--
my spicy baby."

That's pretty clever.
Who made that up?

Pepper did.

She's got brains
and a body

That doesn't stop
till it gets
to the last stop.

Hmm, pepper.

Say, honey, isn't that
the name of the young lady

Who stopped by
this morning

Asking those
survey questions?

Oh, you mean the one
that didn't like
my happy dance?

I don't remember.

[Rumbling]

Aah! The mother ship
has arrived!

My people have come for me!

Whoo-hoo!

I'm right here,
mother ship!

Hello to you!

Brak: hey, look, zorak.
There's your lover.

[Brak growls]

Voice: greetings,
special agent pepper.

Greetings,
commodore.

Oh, how do you
like that?

Pepper works
for the mother ship.

Zorak: what?

Pepper, have you completed
the selection process?

Yes, commodore.

I have chosen
the lucky one.

Excellent.

Give us
the coordinates.

[Speaking gibberish]

Wait,
I'm right here!

Whoo-hoo!
You're making
a mistake.

[Mother gasps]
sisto!

[Farts]

Father:
who's sisto?

Commodore: the lucky one
is on board.

First-rate work, pepper.
You're a good man.

Whoa, wait a minute.

When she said "man"
just now,

She didn't mean
man-man,

She meant wo-man...

Right?

Well, I really, uh...

Commodore:
come, pepper.

It is time you returned
to your wife and children.

[Gasps]

Did you hear
that, zorak?

She's married!

You've given
your heart

To a married
woman.

She's not a woman,
you idiot.

She's a dude.

Pepper, you're a dude!
Why didn't you tell me?

It's not something
I usually feel
I have to explain.

You don't go around
telling people
what gender you are,

You just kind of assume
that they know.

But what about
the high voice?

We all talk
this way.

He's right.

Ecchh.
You duped me,
you friggin' duper.

You? What about me?

You never had
a chance,
little man.

[Giggles]

I didn't want
to go, anyway.

I could never leave
my precious family.

Oh, please.

It is time to depart.
Come along, pepper.

I can't believe
I fell for this.

How did I not know?

Uh, hey, buddy,
let's just keep
our little business

Between us, ok?

I was experimenting.
It gets lonely on the road.

See you later, chum.

Commodore: and now,
we bid you farewell.

But first,
a question:

How long do you
generally cook yourselves

Before you're ready
to be eaten

By a ship full
of very hungry
space travelers?

I found
the recipe, sir.

Never mind.
Nice work, cookie.
Get a rope.

[Brak laughing]

Oh, look
at those donkeys.

Zorak:
what a friggin' gyp.

Look at them. Oh!

[Laughing heartily]

Oh, boy!
It gets me every time!

I can't believe
he did it!

Shut up!

Oh, no, here comes
the good part...