02x08 - The New Brak

[bunniefuu]

Say, mother, do you
like my new boots?

No, I don't.

Aw, come on!

Look at the dragons,
baby. They rock!

Where did you
get those hideous
things anyway?

From rockin' steve.

Who?

Rockin' steve,
mother.

This morning
when I was out
getting the paper,

He pulled up in
his van, and he said,

"Hey! What's up,
dad, my brother?"

And I said,
"you know, not much.

Hanging out.
Getting my paper."

Then he said,
"I got some boots

"In the back
of my van here

That would look
hot on you, daddy."

And I said,
"well, break 'em
out, rockin' steve."

Next thing I know,
I'm sitting here in
these rockin' babies.

Just take them off.

They're marking up
my kitchen floor.

Well, you tangle
with the dragons,

You're gonna get burnt.

Hey, everybody!

What an entry line!

I declare the ice
in this room
officially broken!

To you, sir,
I say, "bravo!
Bravo indeed!"

Hey, brak,
who's this chatty,

Little bumpkin
you have with you?

Oh, this is my new
friend clarence.

My brain can't
believe what

My ears have
just told them!

Brak called me
his friend!

That's
so radical!

Welcome to our
home, clarence.

Thank you,
madam.

It is not often
one is granted
the opportunity

To enter
the domain
of his idol.

I am truly
blessed.

He's been saying stuff
like that all day.

[Whispering]
he's a very big fan.

I consider
myself
the world's

Most foremost
brakologist,

An expert,
if you will.

Good for you. Mother,
what's for dinner?

Oh, I'm interested
in that myself.

What kind of
nourishment is
required to keep

Brak's nimble mind
running at full
capacity?

Uh, who is
this joker again?

Clarence,
the world's

Most foremost
brakologist.

Say, clarence, would
you like to gaze

Into the eyes
of the dragon?

No, honey,
he wouldn't.

Brak, why don't you
take clarence up

And show him
your room?

Oh! Brak's room!

I don't think
my little heart

Could stand
the excitement!

It's too much!
Too soon!

Brak: you'll be
fine, buddy.

Just follow me.

Clarence: jack cooper
is not going to
believe this!

Mind if I take
some digital pics?

Well, brak certainly
has himself
a new admirer.

It's kind of creepy,
if you ask me.

I'll tell you
what's creepy:

A man your
age wearing
dragon boots.

Sit still.
I'm taking them off.

Aw, mother,
do you have to tak--

Oh, I guess you do.

These boots are
going right back
to rockin' steve.

All right,
but he's not real
big on refunds.

Hey, look!
There's little
frogs on my socks!

Hello, mother.

Would you like
to come give

This little
froggy a kiss?

[Kissing]

Mother, shutting
door: no.

[Sighing]
maybe later, boys.

She'll be back.

She lives here.

Brak: and finally,
this is my charlie's
angels clan.

I named it that
'cause of the hat.

And that concludes
the tour of my stuff.

What do you think?

Oh, it's all that I
imagined it would be

To the 14th power.

Now I know how
lord manly felt

When he was honored
in the circle
of heroes.

Lord what now?

Lord manly.

He's a character
of my own invention.

I have a hyperactive
imagination.

The doctor says
I'm delusional,

But my mom just
calls it yammering.

Then she slaps me.

[Giggles]

Say, do you mind
if I ask you a few
more questions?

I don't know about
any more questions.

I'm tired.

[Crying]

I just want
to ask a question.

[Crying]

All right.
Go ahead.

Oh, thank you.

Now, brak, do you
have any allergies?

Because let me
just go on to
say that I do.

I have them all.

I often wake up
soaked in sweat.

Does that
fascinate you,

Or was that just
a silly question?

Well, I don't
really...

Brak, if you
disappeared one day,

Who would you want
to replace you?

What?

A-ha!
Zorak is here!

Oh, no!
It's him!

Hey. What are you
doing hanging around
with this crap sack?

Oh, clarence?
He's studying me.

Really?
That's nice.

Want me to beat him
senseless?

Because I will,
and I won't feel
bad about it either.

In fact, I'll feel
good! Real good!

I'm very
frightened, brak.

I wish lord manly
was here.

[Whimpering]

You better get him
out of here before
his bladder goes.

I don't want you
to hurt him, zorak.

Including clarence,

I now have two
best friends.

Yeah? Who's
the other chump?

It's you.

Oh, great. Have you
told anybody that?

Because if you have,
I'm going to have to go

Beat that memory
out of them...

With a pipe!

Perhaps I'd
better leave.

Clarence:
I have gymnastics
for boys at 7:00.

Don't forget
to stretch!

[Closing door]
yes, sir.

All right, what do
you want to do?

Do you want to make
love, darling?

What did you
say to me?!

I wasn't
talking to you!

I was practicing for
my wedding night.

What?!

Don't you
ever do that?

Don't you ever
wonder how

Something's
going to sound

Before you say it
in a real situation?

Oh, you mean like,
"put your hands
behind your head!"

Or "how much
for the twins?"

Yeah...i guess.

Right.

Come on. Let's go
burn some hair.

No, I cain't.

I got to go spend
some time with
charlie.

Whatever.
I'm burning hair.

What up, buddy?

That's right.
Keep on walking.

[Door closes]

Way to tell him, dad.

Narrator:
so day became night

And then day once more.

[Squeaking
rhythmically]

Pretty snazzy, no?

No.

Lock the door!

Bolt
the windows!

Do it quick!
He's coming!

Are you talking
about jesus?

No, I'm talking
about clarence!

He followed me
around all day,

Repeating
everything I said.

He even sat on
my desk and sang
a song about math!

I ditched him
at lunch, but
you never know.

He could pop up
anywhere!

Oh, he's already
here, brak.

He's been here
all afternoon.

[Sputtering]

Why'd you let him
in the house?

Well, he just marched
in here wearing

That stupid uniform
you wear.

I thought it was you.

By the way, I gave him
your allowance.

And your after
school cookies.

What?!

Well, he was hungry,
and he's so polite.

Aw, man!

I think it's cute that
you have a little pal

That wants to be
just like you.

I don't get it
myself.

Clarence:
hey, everyone!

Brak is here and
that's perfectly
clear!

Clarence, you're
not brak! I'm brak!

Roody-doody-doo.

I'm brak, too!

I say crazy
stuff all day,
and people love me.

See? Look at me!

The queen of france
in my brand-new
pants!

I'm upside-down
in a car,

Driving around
to the grocery
store.

[Laughing]

Oh, how precious!

It's not precious.
It's stupid!

It doesn't
make any sense!

I don't know,
old brak.

It makes
sense to me.

Why did you call
me "o brak?"

I got to have some
way to keep you two

Jokers straight,
right, new brak?

I've got bow
ties on my feet.

I must
be walking
with my neck!

Roody-doody-doo.

Stop saying
"roody-doody-doo!"

That's my bit!
Get your own!

Oh, ok.

How about
spling-bling,

Bling-bling,
spleedily-dee-dee?

[Laughter]

[Laughing]
stop, new brak!

You're k*lling us
with your cuteness!

Mercy!
That is fresh!

Where'd you get
that outfit?

Who knows where
clothes come from?

Not me, because
I'm crazy brak!

Bleeda-leeda-
leeda-dee-dee!

I want you out of
my house this instant!

Well, I guess
I'd better go.

It's time
to run crazy
in the streets.

La-la, la-la,
la-la-la.

Clarence: la-la,
la-la, la-la-la. Crazy!

Man, this
is terrible!

What am I
going to do?

Oh, honey, it's
just a harmless
little phase.

He'll get over it soon,

And you'll still
have yourself
a new friend.

You don't
understand, mom.

If clarence can get
away with being me,

Then everyone
will want a piece
of the brak pie.

[Mechanical jabbering]

I'm crazy brak.

Ha ha ha!

[Mechanical
jabbering]

You see
what I mean?

Brak, sometimes
when people

Want to be you,
you should let them,

Because what happens
if they turn out

To be better at being
you than you are?

What then?

You're stuck holding
the bag, my friend,

And what's
in the bag?

Sugar would
be my guess,

But what do I know?

I'm shoeless brak,
the crazy man,

Loo-doo,
dee-doo, dee-doo.

[Chuckling]
doo-dee-doo.

Now, let's go
watch the tv

Until our minds
fall asleep.

Amen.

Narrator: imagine
that it's later now,

About 2 hours.

Man, on tv: you know,
now that I have a little
more time on my hands,

I've discovered
the joys of stain removal.

You see, most of my clothes
are very badly stained--

Dad: no, thank you.

Bananas.

Wait! Go back!

Hey, everybody!

♪ It's the brak show,
it's the brak show ♪

♪ You're gonna have
a wonderful time ♪

My name is brak.

This show is
all about me,

And who would I be

Without my best
friend zorak?

Clarence, as zorak:
my name is zorak.

I'm evil and dumb.

Mo-ha-ha-ha!

[Telephone rings]

Hey! Here's a call
on our brak hot line.

Let's see who it is.

Hello, caller.

Welcome to brak talk.

Zorak: hey,
you little [beep beep].

Get rid
of that puppet,

Or I'm going
to come down there

And ram it into you
the hard way!

Oops! No more calls
from that number.

Time for another song.

♪ I love beans

♪ Beans, beans, beans

That's it!
He's butchering
my favorite tune!

I'm going down to
that tv studio and
get my brak back!

♪ Lima, soy,
and pinto beans ♪

♪ Li-li-li

♪ I love beans

Hey, look who
I see, everybody!

It's old brak!

How's it going,
little buddy?

Clarence,
stop the charade.

There's only room
on this planet
for one me,

And you're
looking at me!

But why can't
we both be you?

Your life is rich
enough to support
a thousand braks.

By the way, have you
ever considered
franchising?

It could be
very lucrative.

Clarence, I'm me,
and that's it!

Now take off
that costume!

Hmm. Let me
consult with my
evil pal zorak.

Zorak, what do you think
of old brak's offer?

Clarence, as zorak:
tell him to stuff
his offer!

Oh, ha-ha, ha-ha!

You heard
the mantis.

We do not accept
your offer.

Then we're going to
have to settle this
like gentlemen.

Oh, this looks
like trouble.

Not so fast, boys.

Hi. I'm ron
"jaws" jaworski.

And I'm
jim plunkett.

We travel the galaxy

Solving problems
just like yours.

That's right, jaws,
for together we are

The quarterback
justice team!

Together:
down, set, hut!

All right,
guys, what's
the problem here?

Well, my
name's brak.

Mine, too.

No, it's not!

You see, this guy
here wants to be me,

But I'm already me,
and I don't want him

To be me at the same
time that I'm me!

It's putting me
over the edge!

You got it?

Hmm. What do you
think, buddy?

Hell if I know.

Well, I'll tell you
what I think.

I think this is not
a football problem.

It's creeping me
out, jaws.

Yeah, me, too, man.

These guys
are freaks.

Hey, let's go
get a c*ck.

My knees hurt.

Good call! c*ck
on my count.

Together:
down, set, hut!

Well, once more
we're at an impasse.

You know what,
clarence?

I think I have
a solution.

If you really want
to be somebody
interesting,

I know just the guy.

[Laughing]

Mother, where
is my dinner?

[Giggles]

Mother, what's
for dinner?

Ask her where
your paper is.

Oh, ok.

[Chuckles]

Mother, where
is my paper?

[Laughter]

What did you do with
my dragon boots?

I love your sweater.
Where did you get that?