01x05 - Mom & Dad

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: travel expands the mind.

[Ding]

It takes you to faraway places.

[Ding]

For some, travel can change the entire direction of their life's path.

[Ding]

For others, it barely makes a dent.

We made every connection like clockwork.

Seafood you go nuts with. Huge platters.

So, what's new with you, kiddo?

Frank! Table for 3!

Pour me some tea, sweetie.

♪ He's dapper, he's lovable ♪

♪ He doesn't like his life ♪

♪ He's frank ♪

♪ He's a lot like you ♪

♪ He's frank ♪

♪ Leaving for the orient ♪

♪ Frank ♪

♪ Headin' down the staircase ♪

♪ Frank ♪

♪ Gettin' out of dodge now ♪

♪ Breakin' people's hearts now ♪

♪ Frank ♪

♪ Lovable frank ♪
Sounds like a great trip.

Oh, before I forget, honey,

Here's your mail...

And here is a flyer for a new gym.

Now, I don't know if that's something you're interested in.

And here's something we brought you.

Thanks. It's-- it's a candy bowl.

Or for keys or change.

Just a little decoration.

Ok, listen up. All the crap you've got in that apartment...

Is here.

All right? Mom and dad's garage...

Over here.

You wanna move this to there. Lemme show you how.

Boom! Tell 'em you're going, and do it fast.

Boom! You sock 'em in the heart! You kick 'em in the nuts!

Great big life opportunity,

"But what am I gonna do with that great big tv?" Boo-hoo.

You gotta push those mothering buttons, boy.

Boom! "Oh, frankie, you can always use our garage." Boom!

We take the garage! Have you got that, son?

Uh-huh.

All right. Go! Go! Do it! Do it!

And did you see this?

Some 23-year-old and his friends

Made a search engine on the internet.

They just sold it for $27 million.

That's not really what I do, mom.

But that's where the money is, isn't it?

Yeah, just not my money.

This mean I'm still buying lunch?

Heh heh heh--

23 Years old. Doesn't that k*ll ya?

I don't think I can do this.

I just wanna put my stuff in their garage.

Give me your hand.

These 3 feathers are your integrity,

Your manhood.

Keep them close.

Receive what you need.

So...i cash these in later in kyoto?

Never let anyone take them away.

But then what? What do I win?

You win a new true meaning of yourself.

Really?

Second prize: year's supply of turtle wax.

Zen warrior's kidding, of course.

So...

I've got big news.

Excuse me.

If they don't bring us water, I am gonna die of thirst.

[Snaps fingers] we need water.

And chopsticks.

And we don't need these.

And for you? More ginger?

Water first, if you don't mind.

[Thinking] there's got to be an easier way.

Down here, son.

These are my children from the w*r, frank--

Koto and shamu.

It's a long story of forbidden love.

Oh, my god!

I need you to take them back home.

Don't tell your mother.

So, here's the scoop--

Wait. Not yet.

I'm taking this cholesterol medicine,

And I have to pee every 5 minutes.

I am peeing like a crazy person.

Don't tell me.

She'll ask me if I heard something that she didn't hear,

And I won't remember, and she won't let it go.

So, um...

Announcer: live from colonel po's dim sum emporium,

It's frank at night!

With sim nee and the excellent service orchestra,

And frank's special guest... Dad!

So...

Hey. How's it goin'?

Well, we just got over the hump of the tax season.

Couple of our clients really drove us crazy.

Plus we lost a half a dozen associates

To some new york accounting firm.

Ooh...that's gotta sting.

Speaking of stinging, how's the prostate?

Like gibraltar. My teeth are terrible.

Ouch! What's up with that?

I was eating pistachios last week,

Which I only do when your mother's out of the house.

I don't know. One of these nuts

Was either overroasted

Or it was like one shell inside of another shell, if you believe that.

Oh. Heh heh...

Anyway, I bit into it, and this tooth back here cracked.

I mean, I knew immediately that I had done it.

And when I went to see phillip--

You know, my dentist?

He says, "that tooth is about ready to fall apart anyway."

Because of... Whatever...

Sealant?

No.

Sealant they used when I got that cavity filled back in 19...

Come on, think of a topic.

What did we used to talk about?

You know, we never really talked about... Sex, frank.

You have any questions?

Anything you want to know?

I am hormone man! Must find girl!

The first time I had sex, I was...15.

Now, that's not normal.

It's pretty damn lucky.

That's what I was-- lucky.

I was lucky about 3 or 4 times that night.

Ok, I have a question.

sh**t.

What's it like to have sex with a virgin?

No idea.

Whoops.

It doesn't have to be chit-chat.

Hot.

When's the last time we got into the big issues?

We never had any kind of religion in the home.

That's the way your mother wanted it.

What about you?

Do you believe in anything?

Yeah, I suppose I did.

Like what? An old-fashioned god?

The life-force sort of idea?

I always pictured some old guy with a sea captain's hat.

Does soy sauce come from soy beans?

You gotta sume.

Yup.

Look, you might never see him again.

Maybe we should have it out right now.

You never approve of what I do.

That's not true. I'm very proud.

You make these cutting remarks.

I'm just teasing, kidding around.

You always seem so pissed off.

No. What you see is what you get.

You should ■ee yourself right now.

I'm a simple man.

But what does duck sauce come from?

.

Ha ha! So, what's new?

How's gwen?

Mom's voice: any signs of commitment with you two?

Oh...no more than usual.

Boy, she really hangs in there, doesn't she?

What's that mean?

I just get the feeling you're not that crazy about her.

How can you say that? Gwen is great.

In a lot of ways, we're still getting to know each other.

We're still discovering.

She won't sleep with him yet.

7 Months and you still don't know her? That's crazy.

You probably shouldn't be together.

Gwen is a smart, giving, loyal woman.

She's always there for frank--

Always there in a way that many, many women have failed to be.

Didn't you just love laura?

So open, so easy to talk to.

Ladies, I'm working here. This is about gwen,

The woman I need to be with,

Not the woman you can't let go of!

He just grabs whoever falls in his lap.

Your honor?

Let no one take your manhood.

Your honor, I'd like to introduce this airline ticket to japan--

Bamboo sh**t and shrimp dumplings!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Oh, I shouldn't have the shrimp.

There's supposed to be a million poisons in the sea--

Parasites in shellfish they don't even have names for.

We'll have 2.

Pork siu bow!

Ugh. Pork sits in your colon for 10 years.

We'll all be dead, and pork will still be in our system.

You'd think by now they could design a human being

Who didn't have to eat.

Oh, stop it.

Don't you love the way these melt in your mouth?

Should've ordered more.

There's something I really wanna tell you guys.

Well, order more. We're all hungry.

Once they turn the aisle, they don't come back.

Ray.

All right!

Excuse me.

Siu bow. Pork buns?

Go on, throw a tantrum.

Tell 'em to shut the [bleep] up. You've earned it.

That's not our style, stinky boy.

But he never had a real adolescent rebellion.

Well, he's not starting now.

Well, this tea doesn't stay hot for more than 5 minutes.

Pork buns-- soon?!

And they didn't bring the egg roll.

Or the crispy dumplings!

Song of restaurant anxiety.

♪ The food is so greasy, the service is slow ♪

♪ You're feeling all queasy and ready to blow ♪

♪ Why do you eat out? Why do you eat out? ♪

♪ It gives you no pleasure to be in this place ♪

♪ You grouse and you gripe and you still stuff your-- aah! ♪

I saw margie abernathy yesterday.

Shriveled old b*tch.

I love mrs. Abernathy.

How's her snotty little boy arnold?

She said arnold's brokerage firm had its best year ever.

He just paid to have our whole house repainted.

Um...frank's been seeing the same girl

For over 7 months now.

Plus, he's buying a winter getaway

In puerto vallarta for all of us.

Uh...wh-when he was 4,

Frank knew the names of all the presidents.

All the presidents! Everyone thought he was a genius.

All my life, I've wanted to do something special,

Something that makes me feel like I'm more than the paycheck I bring home,

Maybe reminds me that life is still full of possibilities.

So--and I know this sounds a little sudden--

But I'm--

Crispy dumpling!

I love these.

Are they chicken filled?

Beef, pork, shrimp.

Oh, for god's sake.

Mom, I'm moving to japan.

Ray, ray, ray.

Mom, I'm moving to japan. I'm leaving on friday.

Waiter, would you bring us some chicken, please?

You are so weird about food!

You're like big babies when you get in this place.

Don't talk to your mother like that!

Sorry, dad.

Hey, look. I got a new badge in marketing.

Why japan?

We do not need to know why.

What will you do for money?

The yen's in the toilet.

And it's the year of the rabbit.

That's not really the point.

Do you have a point?

You weren't that happy with that job.

I have a great job.

The company itself.

Mom, dern digital is a great little company.

I have a terrific time working there.

This is exactly the sort of g

I wanted you to do 10 years ago.

10 Years ago, he liked his life.

10 Years ago, I barely had a life.

This is a life. I love my life.

The job constantly challenges me. Gwen is great.

I have friends and opportunities and aspects of my world

That you don't even know of!

So why leave?

[Gags]

Would it k*ll him to bring more plum sauce?

I know what that's made of.

Warren harding,

Calvin coolidge,

Sherbert hoover...

Oh, that is so cute.

Keep going.

Franklin d. Roosevelt,

He's a genius.

Harry s. Truman...

To this day, cybill harkin asks about you.

She always said you were a genius.

Now look at him.

People used to ask me,

"How did he learn all those names?"

And I said, he just liked the presidents.

He had a little poster...

Mom, I know the story.

I always enjoy hearing it.

This country was founded on passion and genius.

What genius? I was 4.

■

I tried to eat vaseline. Nobody remembers that part.

Gonna finish that pot sticker?

I'll split it with you.

We never thought of you as this kind of person

Who would just do something so erratic...

Hiya, frank!

Well, well, the little prodigy.

Ease up there, stovepipe.

...without even thinking it through.

Hey, frank, remember me?

We're in your corner, son.

We all happen to believe

That expansion is vital for this country's good.

Look, mr. Presidents, it's always a pleasure, but now is not--

Frank, I don't know how to tell you this.

What?

I was never president, son.

I knew that. Stop trying to trick me.

Do you even have a place to stay?

I'll stay with porter.

Lincoln: porter.

There's a fast train to loserville.

What is your problem?

I free the sl*ves, and they put me on a penny.

Cheap-a*s penny!

Every store you go into tries to get rid of 'em.

Come on, frank, who am i?

Uh...james polk.

No. Go again.

Rutherford hayes.

Eeeeh! Last chance.

Guys, I really can't do this now.

Chester a. Arthur.

Hey, atta-boy!

Oh, what happened to you, man?

You used to call me "sherbert hoover."

Isn't that cute?

Hilarious.

Who the hell did teddy roosevelt sleep with anyway

To get on mount rushmore?

What's gonna happen with your job?

You can't just walk away on 2 days' notice.

I've already worked it out with roger.

What happens if he needs you?

I'm training a replacement.

In 2 days?

It's a good thing he doesn't really do anything.

Kid, what I did to that cherry tree,

I could do to your mom and dad.

Right in the back of the head.

Believe me, they won't feel a thing.

Why don't you wait till the market gets stronger?

Why don't you bite my butt, old man?

Thanks, dad. Really excellent suggestion.

Oh, pipe down, you little brown-noser.

Dad, once you're having sex,

How do you know when to stop?

Frank, my boy... Do you, you know,

Ever exercise your bill of rights?

Free the sl*ve?

Powder the wig?

One if by hand?

Works the same way, son.

I would suggest a little auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Fantastic sensation.

Will you all just shut up?!

What are you doing about gwen? It's not fair to her.

You don't even like gwen.

Don't ever say that. Gwen is terrific.

Man, that broad reminds me of my wife.

Gwen is completely fine with this.

She thinks this is something I need to do.

Frank, that's a stinking lie.

You mean she doesn't think it's crazy?

You don't even know the language.

I'm learning the language.

I've already started.

You've never taught anybody anything in your life.

I'm doing more than teaching, mom.

I'm helping develop a global language curriculum.

This is gonna be very big.

Huge cash cow.

What will they pay you?

Can you open a bank account in japan?

I'm sure it works the same way.

They don't write the same way.

They have different forms.

It's not a big deal.

How will you read the labels?

How will you be able to tell the date on the milk?

Do they drink milk? I heard they were lactose intolerant.

How will you find milk?

Mom, I'm 34! I don't need milk!

Don't yell at your mother.

I'm a big boy!

I'm an adult! I can do this--

Run! She's gonna get all your feathers!

Grandchildren.

Mom: ohh!

Wonderful.

They're adorable. Thanks, frank.

Uh, frank?

Sorry. Wrong table.

That was a real night at the theater.

Over there? Know

Porter won't bail you out of jail.

What happens when you eat a big plate of sushi

Someone left out too long--

"Let's just give it to the american. What'll he know?"

And a zillion parasites

Start marching into your body?

Do they even have blue cross over there?

Well, well. We meet again.

Mr. Shame. I always suspected. I just never--

Ever wonder what's under here? Oh.

Aaah!

Aaaah!

Just a chip off the old block, aren't we?

Nooo!

Face it, boy. You're as shallow as he is,

Just different obsessions.

Once they bring you the check,

They think you never want tea again.

They charged us for the grandchildren.

This place is really going downhill.

So, I finally get all your father's junk out of the garage,

And now you want to fill it up.

Run for that daylight, boy!

No. I'll be fine.

I'm not that attached to my things.

He said what?!

I'd rather just sell everything off, start from scratch.

You're kidding.

No. I'm not like you. I can live with the risk.

I can live with the unknown.

I can build a perfectly good, deeply satisfying life,

And then walk away from it for no reason.

I wish you'd done it 10 years ago.

So, when will we see you again?

Mom, dad, this is fuji and takisan.

They sort of adopted me.

You ride your son so hard.

So merciless.

Oh, it is no wonder he cut you off

And wanders the world an orphan.

Hey, hey, hey...

It's just a little something.

Now don't spend it all on geisha girls.

And don't tell your mother.

Ok, I already made the big stand.

This is just money.

I can take the money and still have integrity.

I can take the money because I don't really need the money,

So nobody's helping me. In fact, I'm helping him

Because now he feels good.

So, I keep the money, dad feels good,

I'm still my own man, nobody's selling out here. Right?

Ok, honey, bye-bye.

Uh-huh.

Come on, ray.

I still got it.

Are you proud of me?

Zen warrior very proud,

But how will you store a big screen tv

Inside a feather?

Man, I cannot catch a break with you.

I got money for storage, though.

Hey, could you maybe help me out here?

I--ian't move.,

Hello?

Hello! Hello!