04x07 - The Death of Harvey Birdman

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: last time on
"harvey birdman, attorney at

Law"...

Mentok: I declare a do-over!

Harvey: 38 cases?!

Mentok: yeah, pretty much.

Whoo!

[ Bell ringing ]
♪ ha!

♪ Who is the man in the suit?
♪ Who is the cat

With the beak? ♪
♪ Do you really want

To feel him? ♪
♪ Harvey attorney

♪ Habeas corpus
♪ "marvey" attorney

♪ Harvey birdman,
attorney at law ♪

Birdgirl: some for you and a
teensy-tinsy taste for you!

Peanut: yeah, she does
realize there's no tea in there,

Right?

Peter: hey, I'd like some
"a" with my "tea."

Get it?

"Tea" and "a"?

Ha ha!

[ Squawks ]
birdgirl: oh, y-you've

Already got something in your
cup.

Harvey: you betcha, toots...

Peter: eh, nobody got my gag.

Harvey: ...ie.

Mr. Birdman, don't you think,
uh...

Harvey: yeah, why you talking
to me?!

I never tried your case.

Remember?

Of course you did.

It had something to do with
children, and there was a man, a

Tall, good-looking fellow.

Harvey: I'm a failure times

My life is over...times 37.

Birdgirl: daddy!

Peanut: phil.

Birdgirl: oh, it's not da--
phil.

It's just some old lady getting
mugged.

An old lady's getting mugged!

We've got to do something!

One of those 37 cases that
harvey flubbed...

Harvey: hey!

Birdgirl: ...is wreaking
havoc on that helpless, old

Lady.

What to do?

What to do?!

Peter: strip tea party?

Birdgirl: I know!

"Superhero sidekick handbook."

Here it is, "superhero,
depression" -- page 934.

Question one -- "has your
superhero been drinking?"

Peanut: that'd be a yes.

Birdgirl: we need coffee!

Peanut: gosh, all we have is
this pretend tea.

Oh, wait. I know!

Harvey: ow!

Peanut: sober yet?

Birdgirl: "remind superhero
of his worth to society."

As a superhero --
peanut: ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm sorry.

What decade are you living in?

Birdgirl: as a lawyer, you
took an oath to defend justice.

Harvey: I'm not a lawyer.

I'm a failure -- f-a-i-l-y-e-r.

Peanut: I think your problem
is you're still a bit tipsy.

Harvey: [ coughing ]
birdgirl: I've had it with

The self-pity!

Need I remind everyone what I
lost this year?

Peanut: go ahead.

Birdgirl: you're just gonna
have to retry those cases, all


On your feet, attorney.

[ Bottle shatters ]
harvey: I am a lawyer.

Now a drunk lawyer, maybe.

Peanut: hit it!

Harvey: but I took an oath to
uphold the law, damn it!

I'll take the case!

[ Air hissing ]
all 37 of them!

Peter: one last time -- "tea"
and "a."

Get it?

Birdgirl: well, we certainly
have our work cut out for us.

We'll bag 'em.

You try 'em.

Peanut: [ clears throat ]
hey, um, point of clarification.

By "we," you mean not including
the peanut, correct?

Birdgirl: switching to
birdlocator!

Subject's head...

Preparing bird-erang.

You halt!

That's just beautiful.

Birdgirl: well, thank you.

You broke the strap.

[ Squeaking ]
phil: ha ha ha!

Final episode stunt-casting.

What the --
[ glass shatters ]

Phil: reversing.

X the eliminator: come on,
come on, come on, come on!

The bobbin keeps jamming,
man.

It's weird and -- hey, it fixed
itself.

X the eliminator: hand it
over!

So...now you are wearing two
hoods.

X the eliminator: I've got my
own crest.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ooh, calling birdman.

[ Door closes ]
you realize this is an

Island, right?

Phil: can't hear you.

Don't know if you noticed, but
I just got the one eye.

Yeah, not a lot of people get
the fact that with a single eye,

I see things three feet to the
left of where they actually are.

Not a lot of people get that.

In fact, only three do...get
that.

Nobody else.

Take that lady there.

When I see that lady -- hey, it
looks like somebody just had a

Baby.

I've got to allow for the fact
that she's three feet to the

Left of where she appears.

To me, at least -- to be.

Congratulations!

Yeah, it just made the other
senses more acute.

You should see what it did to
the old libido.

My god, the sex I've had and
forced others to watch.

Say, got any music?

Classic rock's good, but I'll do
emo.

[ Telephone ringing ]
peter: concentrate.

Concentrate.

You can do this.

Hey, ha-has!

Who says a fellow needs thumbs?

X the eliminator: he's not
answering.

Oh, wait.

He doesn't have caller i.d.,
Does he?

Fine.

No, no, really.

That's fine.

It's perfectly understandable
that he's made himself

Unavailable -- to me! -- For
what could be the most important

Point in my adult life!

I'm alone...abandoned.

Nobody cares.

Yeah, that's me, an existential
hull of burned-out "x" meat,

Solo.

[ Clears throat ]
man.

X the eliminator: hey, help
me push this.

[ Grunting ]
I'm gonna end this whole

Unhealthy relationship once and
for all.

Yeah, done playing on the seesaw
by myself.

Aah!

My foot!

Harvey: judge!

I'd like to --
mentok: retry all the cases,

Which would be fab if I didn't
have a 5:30 flight to the

Caymans -- a "vaca-neymoon."

Cocoa butter -- stat!

Harvey: please, your honor, I
beg you!

Mentok: all right, you've got
one hour.

[ Sniffing ]
have you been tootling?

So?

Harvey: so?

Mentok: are we gonna do some
courtroom-ing, or we're gonna...

Harvey: I'm, er, waiting for
my client.

[ Air hissing ]
mentok: thirty-six minutes

And counting.

Birdgirl: h*! Whaa!

One down.

Mentok: guilty!

Harvey: your honor, this case
involved a coffee spill in my

Client's lap.

Ouch!

Harvey: it wasn't really a
guilty/not guilty type

Situation.

Mentok: look!

It's a blizzard.

Birdgirl: number two.

Ow, that "smartilage" in the
cartilage.

Nyuh-nyuh-nyuh.

Mentok: can I find him
guilty?

Harvey: no objections.

[ Tires screech ]
[ beeping ]

Okay, here you go -- "gone
with the wind" and, uh,

[Clears throat] "crotch master
six."

Dirty pictures.

Birdgirl: gotcha!

Harvey: so, your honor, the
matter before you is simply --

Deep breath -- [inhales]
camera starts on race.

Should a child's guardian -- pan
to apache -- who suffers injury

At the hand of a coffee
conglomerate -- whip-pan to

Shaggy/scooby -- be allowed to
misconstrue foolish behavior as

A result of revolutionary
political beliefs, all the while

Flouting copyright protection,
rico statutes, and public

Indecency laws, therefore
encouraging discrimination and

Negligence, as well as the great
strives we've made vis-ã -vis

Automobile safety and drug
legislation, second amendment,

And --
birdgirl: twenty-six.

Harvey: and, uh, first
amendment rights, working toward

A positive future, or will we
devolve to a barbaric past?

Should we duck these decisions
or confront them, removing all

Wrinkles and doubts?

Mentok: sixteen seconds.

Harvey: it takes merely the
simplest leap to unearth a

Distinction between savage past
and barbarism.

Mentok: 4...3...

Birdgirl: thirty-seven and
thirty-eight.

Harvey: ...laws were dictated
by a roll of the dice.

To that I say, "be careful what
you wish for because you just

Might get it!

Mentok: unh-unh.

Don't rub that.

Harvey: i...won't.

Mentok: are you finished?

Harvey: I think so.

Mentok: see you in a week.

Harvey: your honor!

Mentok: what?

Harvey: do you have a ruling?

Mentok: oh, that.

All judgments stand as
previously ordered.

Harvey: I did it.

I did it!

Birdgirl: you did it!

[ Triumphant music plays ]
[ music stops ]

Harvey: thirty-seven cases
all at once.

Maybe i am a lawyer, after all!

[ Music resumes ]
[ thud, music stops ]

Peanut: well, don't look at
me.

[ Thud ]
[ beeping ]

This can't be right.

I'm picking up another target.

I-i didn't forget someone, did
i?

Everyone harvey birdman ever
represented is standing in front

Of us.

So who could this be?!

Mentok: all righty, then,
I'll just be going.

Take two!

Harvey: oh, my god, you
didn't.

Mentok: yes, I did.

I did that, mm-hmm.

Birdgirl: is there something
I should know?

Harvey: my first client,
years ago.

Birdgirl: but he's not on
the list.

Harvey: he wouldn't be.

I'd almost forgotten about him,
but for late at night, when the

Terrors come.

He was guilty -- so guilty.

But I was young and idealistic.

Peanut: not that young.

Harvey: they locked him away
in a maximum-security cell

Buried 40 stories underground.

The case was expunged from the
records, forgotten by all.

Case number 398567703296.

Mentok: 7228489273124.

Harvey: 483395639462!

Peanut: 8.

Birdgirl: who is it?!

Harvey: nitron.

Mentok: and he's not alone.

I gave him the keys to the
death-con 12.

Harvey: how could you?!

Mentok: hey, nobody's
perfect.

That's spelled with a "k."

"Perfekt" with a "k" at the end
there?

[ Laughs ]
does everyone get when I said

That?

[ Thud ]
[ easy-listening music plays ]

Phil: let's see here.

Over this way, then this way, a
little there, double back.

[ Siren wails ]
ha ha!

Sharp left and back.

Birdgirl: this is not good.

What the --
[ gasps]

[ Easy-listening music plays ]
birdgirl: oh, my god,

Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god,

Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god.

Nitron, a category-5 villain.

Category 5 -- what's that mean?

Peanut: it means "uh-oh."

Birdgirl: how do you know?

Birdman, a category-1 superhero.

Oh.

Peanut: [ slurping ]
[ laughing hysterically ]

Whew.

[ Laughing continues ]
birdgirl: "nitron is known

For his immeasurable strength
and utter brutality.

Weaknesses -- none."

Harvey: nitron, it's me,
harvey, your attorney.

Remember?

Birdgirl: "note -- do not,
under any circumstances, try to

Reason with this villain!"
Harvey: yep, nitron and I are

Gonna go someplace like two
reasonable men and reason this

Thing out reasonably, because
we're reasonable like that.

[ Roaring ]
[ all screaming ]

Look at my new travel cup, my
friend.

It's unbreakable, and, most
important, spill free.

[ Roaring ]
my lap!

Phil: yawn.

I'll go another hour, and then
you can take over.

Hey, I don't know about you, but
I'm starving.

Where's the fast-food joints
when you need them, huh?

[ Easy-listening music plays ]
x the eliminator: you!

I'll get you!

Stand still and prepare to meet
thy fate in the hand of thine

Maker.

"Thine maker"?

That was a nice touch, huh?

Hey, you see an outlet anywhere
around here?

Birdgirl: hey, remember that
pep talk I gave you a while

Back?

I need you to remember that
because we need you now more

Than ever!

Peanut: [ laughing
hysterically ]

Wait. You need harvey?

[ Laughs ]
what's he gonna do, reform their

Torts?

[ Laughing hysterically ]
birdgirl: we don't need

Harvey.

We need...birdman!

In fact, we're gonna need the
entire bird team for this one!

Peter: I got it! I got it!

I figured out the problem.

There's...no...tea in the cup!

That's why I was having trouble
drinking it.

Well, that, and I ain't got no
thumbs.

For god's sake, be careful!

Peter: I warned you,
mr. Ape guy.

You wouldn't like me when I'm
parched.

Sentcha!!

Doesn't feel great, does it?

Avenger: [ caws ]
harvey: we've seen what you

Can do against innocent
townspeople.

But how will you do against some
folks who can fight back,

Nitron?

Oh, this is good.

This is good!

Finally, his time has come!

I hate harvey bird--
have you bound those reports

Yet?

I need them for a meeting at

Suck it, lady!

I'm on my break.

X the eliminator: outlet now!

Oh, this is good.

This is good!

Hey!

Watch it, bub.

That's my line.

Harvey: bird team?

Both: yes?

Harvey: spread out.

[ Roars ]
birdgirl: not so fast, fella.

Bird-erang!

Sans bird.

Oh, no, the cable's giving out.

Peanut: yoo-hoo.

Birdgirl: you do realize
we're not gonna be kissing.

Peanut: I think we already
are.

[ Easy-listening music plays ]
phil: are the leeward islands

East of schleswig-holstein or
north southwest?

I can never remember.

I do know that once we cross the
rappahannock, it's only a hop

And a skip to the wicomico and
pocomoke.

This thing gets great mileage,
by the way.

Peter: [ roars ]
birdgirl: hey, hey!

No, no!

Don't go to your gentle place.

Stay angry!

Peter: huh? Where am i?

Birdgirl: see that guy there?

Remember, you sent him that
thing?

Peter: that guy?

I didn't send him nothing.

I keep a very detailed list of
things sent and/or received, and

I specifically remember sending
him...

Nothing.

Birdgirl: well, you did, and
he got it, but he didn't tell

You.

Peter: what?!

Nobody could be that cruel.

Birdgirl: oh, yeah, he got
it.

And he was laughing about it.

"Hey, everybody, I got that
thing, but I'm not gonna in any

Way acknowledge receipt of it."

Peter: sentcha!

[ Roars ]
harvey: they're gonna have to

Revise your profile, nitron.

Weaknesses? Birdman.

Something's wrong.

I'm...losing power.

I've lost contact with the sun.

Oh!

[ Both laughing evilly ]
I distinctly remember telling

You I wanted blue bindings on
these reports.

Personal question, lady.

Laid recently?

Guessing not!

Harvey: can't reach my
tanning cream.

Uh...

Oh...fading.

Avenger: [ caws ]
harvey: thank you, my friend.

I knew you'd be there for me.

And now to finish this!

Birdgirl: if it has to end,
can it not be with us kissing?

[ Roars ]
harvey: it's not them you

Want, nitron.

It's me.

Let them go, and I promise not
to fight you.

Peanut: can you move your
hand just a little bit so

It's -- ooh, there we are.

Birdgirl: eww!

Harvey: let them go!

Take me.

Birdgirl: don't do this,
birdman.

Peanut: yeah, don't do this.

We fight as a team.

Oh, caramel wouldn't happen to
be performing today, would she?

Thank you very much.

Harvey: it's okay.

You're safe now.

Birdgirl: noo!

[ Roars ]
harvey: as an attorney, I

Swore to uphold the truth.

As a superhero, the truth is
mine to uphold.

Wait. What?

[ Roars ]
birdgirl: you're doing it!

Peanut: you're doing it.

Harvey: after a few more
seconds, I'll have him.

[ Beeping ]
x the eliminator: birdman's

Distracted, and I have him clean
in my sights.

Finally!

Finally!!

It's all come together!

Now is the perfect time!

Aah-aah!

[ Creaking ]
[ sighs ]

Just a few more seconds!

[ Roars ]
harvey: not here, nitron.

Not in my town.

Birdgirl: you did it!

Harvey: I did...it.

[ Horn honking ]
[ dings ]

My lap!

[ Crash ]
phil: form a line and tell me

Who missed me.

Birdgirl: daddy?

Phil: ha ha ha!

Still hot.

Anyone else?

Just staff only.

Yes!

Ha ha ha ha!

Yes!

You've done it!

[ Sniffs ] perfect!

X the eliminator: I was gonna
do it before old one-eye skidded

Over my nemesis.

Phil: "old one-eye."

You do know what he's referring
to there, don't you?

Birdgirl: um...your one eye?

Phil: aha ha.

Black vulcan: in his pants.

Yay!

You...have...done...it!

Phil: done what?

k*lled harvey birdman.

Birdgirl: k*lled?!

No!

Phil: hey, there, not too
much attention for the other

Fellow.

Guy could get jealous.

What is that?

Black vulcan: looks like leap
juice.

Phil: no, no, no.

That's just brake flu-- eww,
birdman's blood.

Birdgirl: you k*lled birdman!

Phil: it's fine.

We'll just pry the bus out,
dig/excrete him from the impact

Hole, and ship him off to sebben
laboratories.

A nip here, a horrific scar
there, and he'll be good as new.

Birdgirl: daddy!

Phil: no matter how many
times you say that, it's still

Gonna get me ri-- oh, my god!

I just did the math.

By daddy, you don't mean bend me
over your knee and call the fire

Department because you got a
flamer down there.

You mean daddy.

Judy, daughter, is it you?

All: yes!

Phil: I can't believe you
were trying to get in your own

Father's pants.

Now, that's just sick.

And me helpless, with the one
eye.

Birdgirl: as much as I'm glad
you're home, I don't know if I

Can ever forgive you for --
[gasping, crying] -- mowing down

The man who saved our town
today.

Peter: one returns, and, just
as quickly, another's gone.

Now comes a time for grieving.

And then we move on.

X the eliminator: [ laughs ]
dibs on the crest.

Harvey: well, everyone,
everything's back to normal --

everything.

[ All crying ]
x the eliminator: hey, was

That your hand?

Birdgirl: uh, no.

Peanut: it's mine.

[ All laughing ]
phil: ha ha ha!

Last laugh.