04x04 - Birdnapped

[bunniefuu]

On the last episode of
"harvey birdman,

Attorney at law..."

Before I go,
I'm gonna need somebody to

Run the ship.

Yes?

And now I'd like to reward
you by--

Yes?

Making you...

My new--
uh, phil?

[Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group]

Ahem.

You know, I think we've
established what that button

Does.

Oh, this one?

[Woman screams]
how about trying another

Button?

The overhead fan?

That one's fun.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

Nope.

Not it.

No.

What the--
ooh, maybe this one.

Uh, thank you.

[Buzz]
yes?

Do you mind telling me just
what the hell you're doing?

Uh, running the firm now that
phil's--uh, dead.

[Sobs]
daddy!

Oh, I mean--
phil!

[Sobs]
[buzz]

Phil's 9:00 is here.

Oh, uh--send him--
[wails]

Or her, in.

No reason to assume it's a "he"
appointment.

Psh, pig.

One moment.

And now, we make funeral!

[Sobbing]
ah, mia bella donna.

Why you make
the lacrimismatissimama?

Why is she crying?

[Sighs]
phil!

Ah, mr. Phil.

Si, si.

A great loss for all.

[Sobs]
daddy!

I will never speak
to him again!

Daddy?

Phil.

[Wails]
from the window of

The men's room,
where I have served as

A humble attendant since
this one was promoted over me

And my promising career was
cut short,

From there, i, myself,
witnessed phil's passing.

From there, i, myself,
witnessed phil's passing.

From there, i, myself,
witnessed phil's passing.

Alas, now I cannot use these
photographs to blackmail

Mr. Phil into giving me
your office and job,

So I can assume my rightful
place in the firm!

I'm not using my office
anymore.

You can have it!

And my old job!

Oh!

Oh, grazie!

You're indeed a benevolent
ruler, and I shall not

Disappoint you!

I will use this opportunity
to crush you!

Si!

If it is the last thing I do,
I will destroy you!

But again, I am forever
indebted.

Slash vengeful.

[Ringing]
[yelling]

[Intercom buzzes]
[ringing]

They're coming at you
from every side!

Birdman, you need my help!

Listen, thanks,
but I can handle it.

[Buzz]
harvey, your next meeting

Is here.

[Door opens]
get down!

Oof!

Watch it!

Mary!

I--i brought you a coffee.

Thank, uh--thank you.

Yes.

Well.

Mary, as you know, phil's last
wish was that I run the firm.

Poor phil.

Poor daddy!

Stop it!

Anyway, I've been going through
the things that he, and not i,

Intended to do.

I'd do the exact same thing!

Unless it meant, like,
firing someone or something.

Hah!

Ha ha ha!

Well, that's interesting,
see, because before phil walked

Out of here and got hit by
the bus--

My new--
well, he completed your

Review.

I'm honored!

It says right here you gotta
fire her.

Is my raise as good as last
year's?


Ha ha.

Well.

Little short of snacking
material down here!

I'm famished.

A raise?

Um, well--
fire her!

Do it!

Yeah.

You see, I had to give up my
other job so I could take care

Of my mother.

And then there's the lunch money
that I've been sending to

The african schoolchildren...

So, how much is my raise?


Nothing!

In fact, you're fired!

Ka-downsized!

You spend 5 hours a day googling
pictures of kittens in

Rain boots!

Out!

How could you do this to me!

And the school kids!

It was phil!

How dare you blame
a dead man, you b*stard!

He's dead, I tell ya!

Daddy!

[Sobbing]
well, only 19 more people

Phil wanted fired.

[Dialing]
[rings]

Mr.--Slight retch--
birdman's office.

Hi, debbie, it's me.

Put me through, please.

[Dial tone]
hello?

[Dials]
[rings]

It's "x."

Ah, x the eliminator?

Yeah, I'd like to speak
to harvey if I could, please.

No, he's booked through
december.

Try back next year.

Look!

I need to talk to him, ok?

It's regarding tonight's menu!

I don't have him down for
dinner tonight--

I, uh, didn't invite him yet.

[Laughs]
[dial tone]

I understand.

Short notice.

I hate him!

Um, well?

He's not coming!

[Sobs]
I'm a work widow!

I'm all by myself!

A sad, little man,
all alone in the world.

Ahem.

I know!

We'll go ask in person!

Yeah, hi--
I told you, he's busy.

Look, I know he can't--
come to dinner tonight!

I'm planning the menu for when
he can come!

And I need to know if he's
lactose intolerant!

[Rips]
you know, we need to do

Something bigger, here.

To get his attention somehow.

But what?

What, what, what, what, what,
what?

Oh!

I know!

We're gonna kidnap birdgirl,
bring her to my place,

And that way, harvey will have
to come over!

Ha ha ha!

Let's practice.

What are you doing, man?

Come on, I'm putting on
a mask.

But you already have a mask.

It's a very nice red one, man.

You don't need to wear
another mask.

Yes I do.

Everyone recognizes me in this
mask, so I have to wear a mask

Over my mask.

Now, here, I got you one, too.

If everyone recognizes us
already in our disguises, man,

Wouldn't it be easier just to
take off the one mask we already

Have on?

And kidnap her with no masks?

Because no one has ever seen our
faces, so they wouldn't

Recognize us.

And then after we're done,
we just put our one masks

Back on, and never show our
faces again, and then no one

Would ever recognize us.

Instead of wearing 2 masks.

Just put it on!

Ok, let's practice.

Scanning for a suitable proxy.

And there we go!

How do we get her into
your house?

We didn't bring a car.

Hey-oh!

It's old hatchet harv!

Little rumor goin' around you
were brought in from the outside

To clean house.

Peanut's safe, right?

[Buzz]

And the office has degraded into
sectarian violence.

[Yelling]
[screaming]

Uh, every--everybody!

Can we just stop wasting
staples?

Hey, everyone, just put down
your office supplies.

I promise I'll stop firing
people.

[Ding]
he lives!

Phil's back!

Phil's back!

Stephen's back!

♪ Now phil will save
the law firm

Our phil who's back
from the dead

The law firm
phil, the law firm

And the babes
on your murphy bed ♪

♪ No, says thy peanut
no, says thine guy

I won't believe it
until I

Put my hands
in phil's-- ♪

Sides!

Actually, I was thinking
his pants.

Master!

I can't tell you how touched
I am.

Wait!

You're not phil!

Ha ha, I'm not phil.

I'm his twin brother bill,
and I'm the executor of

Phil's will.

Ahem.

"I, phil ken sebben,
being of sound--"

[Ringing]
hello?

Oh, I guess now you're gonna
take my call!

Who's this?

Just a certain someone
who's kidnapped a certain girl

Someone with fake wings.

Oh, you kidnapped birdgirl.

Yep!

And if you want to see her alive
again, you'll have to come over

Here to rescue her.

Oh, and while you're here,
you can stay for dinner.

Bwah, ha ha ha ha!

Oh, and we made crab cakes.

And finally, control and
ownership of the law firm goes

To my beloved daughter judy.

And the whip--she gets that,
too.

Hooray!

Wahoo!

Who's judy?

Judy's taking over the job!

Yes!

Wait.

Judy!

[Ticking]
birdman should've been here

Hours ago!

Where is he?

[Chopping]
what do you have in your bag?

Can I see what's in your bag!

I might be able to use what's in
here to help us escape!

Let's see.

Tissues, yarn,
"reader's digest," wait--

Is that c4?

Now I'll just consult my
superhero sidekick handbook.

Create a diversion,
blow the window open, jump out,

Got it!

Birdteam is go!

[Horn plays song]
well, I guess I'm your

Boss now.

And you know what that means?

I have to walk your
standard poodles?

[Car horn plays song]
no!

It means that since I'm your
boss, and your super secret

Sidekick, you can no longer know
my secret identity.

I don't see why not.

It's a conflict!

I...don't get it.

I went over it with h.r.

I have to erase your memory
with my--

Birdgirl mem-erase!

Hold still.

Aagh!

My eyes!

Sorry, that was pepper spray.

Single girl, big city,
can't be too careful.

Here it is!

Aagh!

My eyes!

What happened?

I don't remember anything
from specifically the past

Couple days.

[Horse whinnies]
oh, bergman, thank you for

Your office.

I have put your--wretch--things
in this box for you.

Oy.

You sure he wanted compacted

And not cremated?

[Whirring]
smaller!