03x11 - Sebben and Sebben Employee Orientation

[bunniefuu]

Congratulations!

You've made the decision to grab
the brass ring, to join the

Proudest workforce in the
industry, the leaders in their

Field, the strongest, the
proudest, people at the pinnacle

Of their profession--
in a word, "winners."

As the saying goes, "winners
take all."

And now, firm president,
mr. Phil ken sebben.

Oh, hello!

I didn't see you there!

I was too busy counting money.

Sometimes I stay up 13, 14 hours
a day and I still can't keep up.

Ever get a paper cut from a
$7,000 bill?

Doesn't tickle.

But that's not for you to worry
about.

No, you're just an ordinary
employee who will never be

Burdened by huge sums of money.

Hold please.

Gomer on my wing!

Fox 1.

Fox 1.

Mayday, mayday, mayday!

Over the next several
minutes, you'll learn all about

Your new company, how it
functions, and its plans for the

Future, but first, the history.

To understand the history of
sebben & sebben the company, you

Must first understand the
history of phil ken sebben the

Man.

Born into the squalor of middle
class america, young phil, or

Phil, as he was known then,
spent much of his childhood in

The workshop of his father, a
craftsman specializing in the

Fashioning of pointy sticks for
the well-to-do.

It was there he learned the
value of hard work, helping his

Father carve, sand, and burnish
the custom-made sharp sticks.

When he came of age, phil was
drafted and served a total of 8

Hours of duty in an elite b*mb
disposal unit.

Is that one red or pink?

Can't tell.

The hell with it.

That's better!

Yep, red.

Hey, look, it's loose!

Discharged, phil turned his
prodigious energies to

Single-handedly piloting the
"outrageous" to victory in the

America's cup, pulling his own
sled to first place in the

Iditarod, winning the swedish
vasaloppet, the paris to dakar

Road rally, and placing first in
the world's strongest man

Competition.

But these adventures, like all
adventures, had to end.

Phil returned, he donned a gray
flannel tuxedo, and entered the

Workforce.

And then it happened, the
accident that would both give

Phil ken sebben his most
distinguishing facial

Characteristic, and send his
life on an entirely different

Course.

Soon, phil had grown a moustache
to cover the scar, and working

Tirelessly for months on his own
case, he successfully sued the

Maker of the binder clip, and
with that money, started his own

Law firm with his twin brother
bill, whom was not worth

Mentioning until this point.

Which brings us to the present
day.

Sebben & sebben is one of the
most successful law firms in the

Country, but sebben & sebben
is so much more, more potent and

Powerful and frightening.

The affiliated companies of
sebben & sebben, leaders in

Industry, worldwide--

But no matter what we do, it all

Comes down to the company's one
mission statement.

[Deep breath]

To help employees remember the

Mission statement, it has been
printed on this handy key fob

And etched on this golden disk
of phil ken sebben which is

Based on an original frederic
remington design as interpreted

By thomas kinkade...

And sent into space atop the
mighty saturn v rocket, along

With images of life--
your new life at sebben &

Sebben.

Place juicer bowl on motor
housing.

Place strainer basket inside the
bowl, making sure it rests on

The center spool.

Insert cutter blade and tighten
with hex nut.

Now you are ready to juice.

As a new employee of sebben &
sebben, you can take advantage

Of a carefully managed 401[k]
plan.

So I'll just put my savings
in this diversified index fund.

Safe and sound.

It's 1985, birdman, wake up!

The smart money's going into
s&ls, like that one!

You mean lincoln savings &
loan?

Right.

S&ls are unkillable.

You ever seen "it's a wonderful
life"?

Even that bailey b*stard
couldn't screw it up--

And the rest on gift
certificates.

And exciting work/life
programs like blimpshare,

Forkshare, and with our unique
flex hours program, you can

Start your day at 8:14 or even

Into your time, we're
flexhourible!

Finally, there's a wide array of
perks: daily toilet paper

Allowance; chairs, for earners;
subsidized pens; air, for

Earners; unrestricted
interoffice phone calls;

Picked-over remnants of meeting
muffins, by the printer; two-way

Stairs; a mostly pest-free
environment; free passes to

Already free events; bikram
filing; take your mistress to

Work day; emergency exits, for
senior personnel only.

Office supplies.

These will be your office
supplies: pencil sharpeners,

Two; 3-hole punch, two;
shredders, two; staples, two;

Stapler, one.

Oh, crap!

Folders, two; paperclips, two.

You will get two of everything.

Don't tell me two of some things
is too much and two of other

Things are too little.

I don't care!

For I am the deadly duplicat--
proper conduct and business

Attire.

At sebben & sebben, we take
ethics and proper business

Conduct seriously.

Quite simply, there's the wrong
way to do things, and then

There's the sebben & sebben
wrong way.

Take these real life
situations...

Hey, guys, we're a little low
on overhead, so I know!

Let's inflate our billable
hours!

What the employee should have
said is...

Hey, guys, and ladies, we're
a little low on overhead, so I

Know!

Let's inflate our billable
hours!

Let's see another example.

Hi, I'm peanut.

You can be butter, and, oh,
gosh, I guess you'll be jelly.

And this is just off the top of
my head--

How about a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich?

What do you say?

The correct way is...

Hi, I'm peanut.

You can be butter, and, oh,
gosh, I guess you'll be jelly.

And this is just off the top of
my head--

How about a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich?

What do you say?

The difference?

This time, he's unplugged the
security camera in the corner,

Which means there's no evidence
of this encounter.

Communication.

Hello.

I am standing in front of the
heart of the sebben & sebben

Communications system.

Let us say you have a thing to
send.

Simply fill out this routing
form by listing what you are

Sending, to whom, the date you
are sending it, the date you

Want it received, or gotten, and
the weight of the thing you are

Sending.

Then, place the item into one of
these canisters.

Under your desk, you will find
an array of nozzles.

Referring to your laminated
color-coded map, simply find the

Color of the area you want the
thing sent to.

Carefully, carefully, open the
tube and insert the canister.

Make sure you have closed the
nozzle door first.

Inside the tube, your communique
will reach speeds up to 14,768

Miles per hour...

[expl*si*n]
a model of speed and efficiency

That guarantees that you will
never again have to ask if

Someone has received the item,
or more commonly, thing, that

You have sent to them.

And now, another message from
our founder and president,

Mr. Phil ken sebben.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, all of you idiots,
you rubes, you suckers, you

Employees of sebben & sebben.

God, how much more stupid, how
loathsome and dense, how

Execrably gullible--
oh, you're still here.

Shouldn't you be up at work by
now?

Come on, get up!

Up, up, up, up, up!

How much time does it take to
train someone around here, for

Chri--
training--

It isn't just for your first
day.

It should be!

The only way sebben & sebben
can grow, is if its employees

Grow.

That's why we offer a wide array
of training programs presented

By experts in their field--
topics like "accelerating

Productivity," "passing the
buck," "passively aggressive or

Aggressively passive, which is
right for you?", "Mentoring," "7

Habits of highly flatulent
people."

And finally, our unique approach
to the sensitive topic of sexual

Harassment.

I'd like to go downtown for a
cream soda, if you know what I

Mean.

I'm feeling very
uncomfortable...

In my pants.

Sebben & sebben gives back to
the community in a number of

Ways--
our support of the arts,

Featuring the annual sebben &
sebben shakespeare festival.

To die, to sleep.

To sleep, perchance to dream.

Aye, there's the rub.

Ha, ha, rub!

For in that sleep of death
what dreams may come

Must give us pause
and make us bear those--

I forgot.

I know I'm depressed about
something.

Mother dead?

No, father dead, mother alive--
kind of a sexy thing with the

Mom.

Uncle probably k*lled my father,
girlfriend crazy as a loon, her

Father a chatterbox.

I k*lled him.

This is all too complicated.

[Cheering]
and most importantly,

Providing the resources for
individual employees to set up

Their own charity work, like the
peter potamus home for hot unwed

Mothers.

Cleaning your juicer.

Unplug juicer from socket.

Disassemble the unit and wash
parts with cool or cold water.

Mild detergent may be used if
desired.

We're building the law firm of
tomorrow, today, combining our

Unique approach of inventing new
irrefutably legal-sounding

Words...

Ok, what else we got?

Rearendjoinder?

Oh, I got one--
pubertuitiy.

Custom-making hand crafted,
artisan quality evidence; and

Producing gripping, fictitious
re-enactments in sebben point

One surround sound.

And the trend setting jury
rewards program, patent pending,

We'll soon be able to literally
guarantee a win for our clients.

You're almost ready to go to
your new desk and join the proud

Ranks of sebben & sebben, but
before you do, you need to learn

The key to our success, the
sebben & sebben way.

There are 5 simple steps to
success at sebben & sebben:

Identifying that thing.

That thing.

Setting your sights on that
thing.

That thing.

Reaching for that thing.

That thing.

Getting that thing.

You got that thing.

Recognition for getting that
thing.

Congratulations.

[Farts]
excuse me.

I got tension.

And now, a final message from
our founder and president,

Mr. Phil ken sebben.

I told you to leave 10
minutes ago!

You know what?

Get out of here!

You're fired!

So welcome, new employee!

May your career here be long and
fruitful.

No, really, you're fired.

Leave.

Ha ha ha!

Right to work state.