03x07 - Evolutionary w*r

[bunniefuu]

Class, please open
your science book to chapter 23.

That's page 666...

Oh, goodness.

Why don't we just skip on to 24, huh?

- Mr. Felder?
- Yes?

Chapter 23 was about evolution.
lsn't that important?

Um, suppose so...

if you're interested
in eternal damnation...

which we're not!

Well, aren't humans descended
from prehistoric cavemen?

You know what?

l think we could all do
a much better job of not hearing you...

if you stood over in the corner.

- But--
- Now!

OK, since the topic's been raised...

it might be useful
to remind everyone that...

created Adam and Eve fully formed--
and fully clothed, of course.

There's no such thing as cavemen.

Class, class, settle down.

♪ Who is the man in the suit? ♪

♪ Who is the cat with the beak? ♪

♪ Do you really want to feel him? ♪

♪ Harvey attorney ♪

♪ Habeas corpus ♪

♪ Marvey attorney ♪

♪ Harvey Birdman
Attorney at Law ♪

Yeah, fell that time.

Doesn't mean she'll fall next time.
Again, please.

Ooh, l was almost convinced.

Theory in process
of becoming fact. Again.

Captain...Caveman!

See? Gravity. Just bunk.

Now, about the Fig Newton.
Was that yours?

Captain...Caveman!

What the...

- May l help you?
- Unga bunga.

Oh, for God's sake,
we'll be here all day.

- Mind if l, uh...
- Please.

We were at home
the other night, and our son--

Unga bunga.

His son.
He's like a son to me.

Anyway, Cavey Junior comes
home from school in tears.

He told us his school
refuses to teach evolution...

and that all the children
were making fun of him.

Then they stuck this
on all their science books.

Of course, l find this simply outrageous
and, frankly, unconstitutional.

Not to mention backward.

Please don't say "backward."

OK, Cavey Junior,
we're going in there...

and demand you receive
a proper education.

Peanut, if we're going
to win this case...

- l need proof.
- Proof of what?

Uh...evolution.

l'd look elsewhere for that.

As governor of this state...

it's my solemn obligation to bar you
from entering this schoolhouse.

What's he saying?

l'm not sure, but l think
that man has a water cannon--

They've left us no choice,
but to appeal to a jury of your peers.

Or, in your case, a jury
of your, um...descendants.

Now, how will l prove evolution?

Hill Town, 3 points!

Yes?

Peanut, we're due in court.
Do you have anything on evolution?

No. Actually, Harvey,
but it has something on me.

l'm sorry, what?

l said l think that
we're very, very close...

to discovering the missing link.
There it is!

Look out!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

the question before you
today is a simple one...

besides pointing to traditional fossil forms
or DNA polymorphisms...

or tonsils or domesticated animals
or gene sequences...

or male n*pples
or common sense...

how does one prove evolution?

Maybe one can't.

But what one can do is teach
all competing theories...

and trust that people's
innate intelligence...

will lead them
to the right conclusion.

What?

Ladies and gentlemen, l ask you...

do you think you are
descended from apes?

From filthy animals covered in fur?

Hair everywhere on their body?

Hair that grows back
even if we spend hours each day...

removing one by one any offending
follicle from our face or chest...

or worse, back, with tweezers...

or dare l say
more painful methods...

like harsh depilatory creams
or sugar waxing. Full Brazilian!

l would like to call
my first and only witness...

Harvey Birdman, to the stand.

Tell the court, if you will...

where you, Mr. Birdman,
fit on that chart.

Well, l'd be right there next to the man.

Here?

Yes, but closer to the bird maybe.

So...here?

No, no. Closer to the man.

To the bird. To the man.

Lower!

Higher!

Nothing further.

Tell the court, Mr. Birdman...

where do you fit in?

Full Brazilian!

Yes, Mr. Birdman,
where do you fit in?

♪ Who am l? ♪

♪ Where did l come from? ♪

♪ Not quite a bird ♪

♪ Yet not quite a man ♪

♪ l stare in the mirror ♪

♪ And see someone
that looks like me ♪

♪ Someone who walks ♪

♪ Someone who talks ♪

♪ Someone who flies ♪

♪ Across the sky ♪

♪ Just answer me one small thing ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Please tell me ♪

♪ Who am l ♪

Look out!

Hello.

What's this?

Ten Commandments, yo.

Outrageous.

This is a courthouse.
A house of court...

not some holding ground
for stone decalogues.

Deca--decalogues
is right, right?

That's--deca is 10.
Yes. Oh.

Chiseler,
l command you to stop!

All right, be that way.

Chisel me this, chiseler.

One, l am Mentok, the Mindtaker.

Thou shalt have no other
mindtakers before me.

Two, thou shalt honor
your father and mindtaker.

Three, thou shall not bear--

Can you slow down a tiny bit?

Well, how long does it
take you to chisel?

Jiminy Christmas eatin' a cr*cker!

Oh, don't write that!

Peanut, l'm in a real bind here.

Have you come up with anything?

l need more money.

- For what?
- Research.

Yeah, you know, in this case...

singles are gonna be better
because, well, there's Trixie...

and there's Misty and Pixie and...

h* h*, little Dixie. There's 40.

Oh, and if l were you
l might think about calling...

the whoo-whoo to the stand.

The whoo-hoo?

A talking ape.

Pretty interesting stuff
if you ask the Peanut.

Could l have that? Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury...

l give you a...talking gorilla.

Say something!

Well, there was mention
made of pudding snacks.

And l love pudding.

A talking gorilla.

A talking gorilla!

Don't you people see, talking gorilla.

Links no longer missing.

Evolution right here.
Take a picture.

That you, Birdman?

You know, now is not a great time.

You get that thing l sent you?

No. No, l didn't.

l never get that thing you send me.

l've never gotten
that thing you sent me...

and l'm beginning to wonder whether
you ever once sent me anything.

While l'm at it...

if l had gotten that thing
you sent me--ever--

l doubt l'd be interested
in what it said.

Hey. Oh. l--l'm sorry.

Look, l made a mistake. Yeah.

lt seems l did get
something earlier today.

You did?!

He got that thing l sent him!

Look out!

You're in sixth grade...

- Cavey, are you not?
- Yes, sir.

ls this your science textbook
from school?

Yes.

Tell us what it says about
evolution in that book.

Well, our teacher doesn't want us
reading that chapter, so l really can't--

- But you read it anyway, didn't you?
- Yes.

That's right. Even though
your teacher didn't want you to...

you read it. Why?

- Because you wanted to disobey?
- No.

Or is it because there's a mind...

a hungry mind inside
this-- this hairy little body.

A mind, ladies and gentlemen...

that seeks the truth,
that craves knowledge.

- No.
- l'm sorry , what?

No. l read it because
evolution is covered...

on the Federally mandated
No Child Left Behind test...

l have to pass to move up
to the next grade.

Oh. So...

Yeah. They screw you
coming and going.

l see. Fair enough.

Well, l think it's pretty clear
what needs to be done.

l hereby uphold the school's right
to not teach evolution...

and since there is no evolution,
l find that you two...

the hairy one and the,
uh--yeah, you--don't exist.

- Unga bunga?
- l don't know.

Joking! God!

You didn't really think
that l agreed with--

Oh. That's a real whiz-gigger!

Teach whatever you want!

You do have to wear
this disclaimer sticker though.

lf you exist...which you don't!

But, seriously, wear the sticker.
Here's some gum.

Well, everybody,
l think we can safely say...

we're happy to be done
with that business.

Guess who's been
fighting prehistory all day.

Remember when we went
back in time through that hot tub...

and l was doing tours,
and we came back...

only someone forgot
to close the portal...

and all the savages and dinosaurs
came back with us?

And now, whoo, boy, am l thirsty!

Not from fighting the mastodons
and pteradons...

but from this long narrative.
Who's got a nickel for a guy?

Thanks, Sister.
You can have a hit.

No backwash.

Wonder how long that's been there.