01x01 - Lanolin

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Which of us
encounters another human

without a sack of history,

experience, impression,

delusion, belief slung
over our shoulder,

burdening us, to one
degree or another?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

MAN: We all carry a weight.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

MAN: How can a man,
sitting in a bar,

know what the woman
approaching him contains?

How is the woman
approaching that man

meant to know that she
should turn around and run?

This is Allan. Allan,
this is Birdie.

- Nice to meet you, Birdie.
- Yeah.

- I've heard a lot about you.
- Oh!

Surely, there's
not much to tell.

Oh, come on, don't be modest.

Her personal essay in
the Weekend magazine

about her own IVF struggle
won a major award.

No, she's a fantastic writer.

Well, that was a long time ago.

Yeah.

- Rah Hou.
- Mm.

Yeah.

New beginnings.

Ah! Eyes.

- [GLASSES CLINK]
- Cheers.

Well, Al and I have
just been speculating

about the future of renewables,

specifically how the Victorian
government's preparing for 2030.

- Oh.
- What do you think?

Well, I think renewables
are the future.

I mean, the writing's on
the wall for coal, right?

[CHUCKLES] Allan, tell your
people Birdie Bell here

says the writing's
on the wall, yeah?

Well, Allan's got
a flight to catch.

- Oh.
- Thanks for your time, Birdie.

- Let's keep in touch.
- Mm. It was nice to meet you.

Oh, just grab another bottle.
The same one again, yeah?

- Another bottle?
- No. Thank you. No, I'm good.

Oh.

Sorry about that.

No, Allan's quite a
big deal in China.

So... You're a farmer.

- Grazier.
- Grazier.

Via architect.

And I've spent
the last few years

in a private equity
firm in the city.

But, you know, I packed
away the Savile Row suits

after the divorce,

just for a more simple
life on the farm.

You know, I still dabble in
property and real estate,

but, yeah, it's
just on the farm.

Well, I love the country.

My dad used to take me
camping all the time.

Well, I run a small
herd of Dorpers.

I fatten them up for
the Chinese market.

I have a little shack on just
over 100 acres just out of town.

Well, it's more like a
shed, really, but it's mine.

It's a place to retreat to

when the pressures of the world
just get a little bit too much.

Oh. Sorry, what is a Dorper?

It's a South African sheep.
It's a more hardy breed.

It's, you know, better for the
harsh Australian conditions.

[CHUCKLES]

So what would you do,
if money were no object?

Well, I'm... I'm saving,

so that, one day, I can
take a few months off

and write a book.

What about you?
What would you do?

Well, I'd watch you write it.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

- Uh-huh.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

So you must be pretty
well-connected,

because of your work?

Oh, Jesus, no.

What about... Do you
know Susan Feuillet?

Ah, yeah. Farm To
Table, the cookbooks.

Yeah, I think we're Facebook
friends or something.

She's completely nutso, right?

Is she? I don't know.

I went to one of her
events once, with my ex.

She's in marketing.

And I went up to
her just to say hi.

And she'd look to music
to say, "Oh, go away."

"Go, go. Go away, Joe."

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Where's the bottle?

Oh, I'd better go anyway.

Oh! No, you've just got here.

I've got an early start.

B... But...

Look, I'd really like to
get to know you a bit more.

Sorry, Joe. This online
thing is a bit weird for me.

But it was nice to meet you.

And all the best, with the
Dorpers and everything.

Oh, take a hint, Joe Burt.

JOE: We barely
got a chance to...

- There's a face with a story.
- Mmm.

I like this one, the defiance.

Like, "f*ck you, world."

Is this the women's
homelessness epidemic?

Well, it's technically
still a food story.

I'd really love to make
it a feature story.

You should pitch it to Virginia.

Meeting Hank at the
wine bar after work.

Could join us.

- No, no.
- A table for three?

No, I've got something on.

Soup's up.

Hey, are you going to
pray for me, Father?

I've been a naughty girl.

- Always in my prayers, Tina.
- Ooh.

- WOMAN: Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.

I did speak to her earlier, and
she's willing to talk to you,

and have me fill
you in on her story.

Oh, well, thanks. Thanks
for setting that up.

- Can I hand some food around?
- Why don't you do the muffins?

- Hey, Tina.
- Hi.

Oh!

Thanks for talking to me.

Are you going to make me famous?

Oh - more famous?

[CHUCKLES]

I'm writing a feature
on the soup van

for the weekend magazine.

Oh!

How often do you access
this food service?

- That's my baby girl.
- Oh!

- That's Montana.
- She's super cute.

Was. She's all grown up now.

A doctor in Algeria.

Medecins Sans Frontieres.
You heard of them?

Doctors Without Borders.

That's quite an achievement.

I bet you miss her.

Oh, Christ. Every day.

I am just so proud that
someone as good as Montana...

..a doctor who spends her life

saving starving babies
in the Middle East,

came from me - a
terminally-ill drug addict.

You could write about that.

You got kids?

Why not?

Beautiful person like you.

You got a boyfriend?

No.

People these days are so picky.

Ugh.

Siri, email reply Joe Burt.

SIRI: OK. What would you
like the email to say?

You have completely
misunderstood who I am.

I hate being recognised by
ingratiating restaurateurs.

So, if that's what
you're interested in,

you'll be disappointed.

- [BEEPING]
- SIRI: Ready to send it?

Yes.

- [DING!]
- JOE: I hate publicity.

I turned down every single
architecture magazine

that wanted to
write up my company

because I wanted Eagle's
Nest to be a home,

not a showcase for my ego.

I hate my photograph
being taken.

I was furious when my ex-wife

turned our wedding
reception into a fandango

and notified the social pages.

I stay away from social media.

I'm very private.

My kids keep telling me I need
to put myself out there more,

but I'd rather focus on
the substance of what I do.

I'd rather do good quietly.

If you got to know
me, you'd know that.

[KNOCKING]

- Hello, darling.
- Hi.

Ah.

- Kettle on?
- Yeah.

- Pot of tea.
- Mm-hm.

Ah. [EXHALES]

Oh, Anton promised
that Rory would call

to help me put the
bank on my iPad for me.

Yeah, it's just it's
just really busy,

with work and
organising the wedding.

What are you
planning on wearing?

I mean, 'come as
your best selves'.

[LAUGHS] Really?

Oh, everything's
got to be so loose.

What's wrong with a dress code?

I thought maybe we could
go dress shopping together.

Oh.

I got mine weeks ago.

[WHISPERS] Oh, God, you
leave everything so late.

Speaking of leaving things late,

how did your date with
the sheep farmer go?

Are you all talking about me?

No, no, no, no.

We're just excited that you're
finally taking positive action.

You don't want to
do this forever.

I'm not... I'm not single
through laziness, Mum.

I do try.

Well, if the gays can
manage it, I guess you can.

Show me a photo of him.

No, I'm not going
to see him again.

What? Why not?

I don't know.

It was just...

- Ick.
- [SIGHS]

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, hello.

- Oh, he's gorgeous.
- He's alright.

Ah. Is that the
photo you're using?

Oh, my goodness.

This is from when we had
the last holiday together,

before Dad got sick.

I think so.

But, darling, that
photo's three years old.

It must be at least
three years old.

I mean, you're better off

choosing a more truthful
photo so that you...

Otherwise you're just setting
them up for disappointment.

He was disappointing!

He... He brought
a random friend,

and only asked me
one stupid question.

You think your father was
perfect from the start?

- Yes.
- No, no, no, no, no.

I never said that. You have
to work at relationships.

You know, if he's
got good bones,

you just have to find
something to work with

and you start there.

He's a man, not a house.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You f*cked it, you
f*cked it, you f*cked it.

You don't pour
the milk in first.

I know, I forgot.

I know, and I cannot drink
out of a beaker. Please.

Could you please just
get the nice china cup?

- Yep.
- Oh...

So, you think I should
see the farmer again.

I think, at this point,

you need to be realistic
about what's still out there.

Just find something
to like about him.

WOMAN: [DRAMATICALLY]
Just pat them...

- [TENSE STRING MUSIC PLAYS]
- ..on... the bottom!

Grab them...

..by... the p*ssy!

I will not... WOMAN 2: Not!

- ..be lectured...
- Lectured!

- ..on misogyny...
- Misogyny!

- ..by... that... man!
- [LAUGHS]

WOMAN 1: I did not...

- ..have...
- WOMAN 2: Sexual!

WOMAN 1 AND 2: Sexual!
Sexual! Sexual! Sexual!

WOMAN 1: relations...

..with... that...

BOTH: Woman!

[ACTORS CONTINUE INDISTINCTLY]

Hm.

I know it's late, but do
you want to grab a bite?

OK.

We could check out my
friend's bar, if you like.

- Yeah, I'm up for a nightcap.
- Mm-hm.

It's closed.

- He'll let us in.
- Yeah?

- Hi. [CHUCKLES]
- Hi, babe.

- How you doing?
- Good, good. Mwah.

Anton, Joe - grazier.
Joe, Anton - sommelier.

- Good to meet you.
- Really nice to meet you.

Come on inside. Please.
Thank you. Thank you.

- [BIRDIE EXHALES]
- Come and sit down, please.

- What did you see?
- Oh... [LAUGHS]

Oh, the play that
shan't be named.

- What, Macbeth?
- Oh, don't say it!

The man-haters anonymous.

Oh, come on. It
wasn't that bad.

I mean, they weren't anonymous.

Mm. Yeah, they tried
to eat me at interval.

[LAUGHS] No, they
wouldn't do that.

They'd save you for the cl*max.

[LAUGHS]

Some pinot for you.

- Birdie loves her pinot.
- Thank you.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

ANTON: I'll just
finish up over here.

Thank you.

Mmm.

So how are your kids?

Oh, well, life's perfect
when I'm with them -

pancakes in bed,

catching frogs in the river
at the bottom of the garden.

It's...

Oh, it's only when, you
know, things with Mary.

She has her episodes. Things
get a little bit wobbly.

Oh, come on. I'm not going
to fall for any more of

your naughty journalist
tricks. What about you? Eh?

What did Birdie do today?

Well...

I've been interviewing this
lady from the All Angels Chapel.

She's terminal.

And she has an amazing story.

The All Angels? They're in that

gorgeous old building in
the city, aren't they?

That's some nice
real estate there.

- Do you know it?
- I know it?

I nearly bought it
as a development.

Then I found out who I was
bidding against, so I just...

..I withdrew the offer.

- Noble.
- Mmm... Not really.

No, I found a better site
with better rental returns.

- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.

You know, I think
the Angels were, um,

were happy, the
way it worked out.

Was that with Eagle's Nest?

Mmm.

- You Googled me.
- Might have.

Mm?

Ah, yes.

My ex-business partner, Peter.
Yeah, I knew he was a problem.

I just, you know, stuck with him
a bit too long, unfortunately.

Is this OK?

Your hands are so soft.

I imagined them being
rougher, working on the land.

Ah!

- You imagine my hands?
- Well, I, um... [LAUGHS]

God, you're a funny one.

Of course, I wear gloves
when I work with the sheep.

Of course you do.

Do you want to get out of here?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think
that's a good idea.

Night, Anton.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure. Good night.

- Thank you.
- Nice to meet you.

Oh.

I had a lovely
night. Thank you.

You're not coming?

No, I've got to get back to the
farm first thing in the morning.

The bore's been pumping out mud,

so I'm going to have to
dig it a little bit deeper,

otherwise I'm going to
have to bore it out again.

Oh.

I've got responsibilities,
unfortunately.

You know - people, animals,
farm equipment depend on me.

Yeah, of course.

Hey...

Thank you.

- Night.
- Night.

[DING!]

[DING!]

[DING!]

Oh... His shack.

Hovel, more like it.

What is wrong with you?
Where's your sense of romance?

I'm romantic. I
just have standards.

- Oh!
- [DING!]

JOE: I know it's early days,

but my mother's
been asking to meet

my new, lefty journalist friend.

She's flying out from
New Zealand tomorrow.

Want to meet for dinner on
the way back from the airport?

- What?
- I'm meeting his mother.

How long has it been now?

Five years.

Wait, you've been seeing
the farmer for five years?

No, I meant...

You haven't been intimate
with someone for five years?

- Oh, my God!
- How are you alive?

- I would die!
- Thank you.

It sounds really promising.

Do you have a boyfriend?

I think so.

[DING!]

JOE: Too many hours
until I see you.

I learned a new word today.

Forelsket.

Heading to the airport,
see you in an hour.

ANTON: Hi, you've reached
Anton at the Falconer.

- Leave a message.
- [BEEP!]

Oh, Anton, it's probably
going to sound really stupid,

but I thought I just
saw Joe at the Falconer

with a woman.

[DING!]

JOE: So sorry. Going to
be late. Flight's delayed.

Big eye roll.

Just grabbing a quick
drink at - guess where?

The Falconer, with
my sister-in-law.

Will keep you
posted, re - dinner.

♪ I do not ask

♪ The sun to shine

♪ I do not ask

♪ The world to be mine

♪ Darling

♪ All I ask is your love

- ♪ I do not ask you to be... ♪
- [DING!]

Bad weather in NZ,
flight delayed again.

I'll pick you up,
shouldn't be too late.

[CAR HORN TOOTS]

Your Uber's here.

- Oh... OK, right.
- What?

Did you get my
voicemail last night?

I just... Did you
see Joe at the bar?

I haven't heard from him.

Anton, where's the present?

Um, it's in the...

Ugh, it's in the hallway. I...

Anton, what was his
sister-in-law like?

- Did they stay long?
- Um...

Oh, where's my shoe?

I don't know, she looked nice.

Nice?

Don't wreck it, babe. Just
be the cool girl for once.

I am the cool girl.

- Where's my jacket?
- Here!

Thanks, Birdie.

Bye, sweetheart. Love you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, sweetie.

- Do I have to get off?
- No.

I'm just going to crawl in here
with you for a little while.

- Is that OK?
- Mm.

Come on, Birdie!
The movie's ready!

Oscar J from my class kissed me,

but I know it wasn't
true love's kiss.

Oh, yeah? How come?

Because my foot didn't go up.

That's how you know.

[EXHALES] Oh.

I'll have to watch out for that.

[ON MOVIE] ..true love's kiss,

her evil stepmother's
spell was broken,

and they lived
happily ever after.

GIRL: Can we have dessert?

You've just had
fruit and cookies.

Oh!

Cheeky.

[DOOR OPENS]

- ANTON: We're back!
- TOVEY: Sorry we're late.

Hot tub time machine.

Couldn't get him
off the dance floor.

[LAUGHTER]

Ah, so good you're back.

I can't lift her anymore.

That's alright. Hey,
Rors, come here.

Come on. Here we go.

One, two, three. Oh! Good girl.

Come on. Night-night.

JOE: There is no excuse.

Some stuff with
the family came up.

It's very difficult with Mary.

I think she senses a
new woman in my life.

I just want to do the
best for my children.

I'm being torn every which way.

Thank you for being
understanding.

Can I make it up to you with a
trip to my shack next weekend?

Did the farmer
finally text you back?

Grazier. He's a grazier.

Ugh... Told you it was fine.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Mwah!

[CAR HORN BEEPS]

- [DING!]
- Your chariot awaits.

Mm. It's so beautiful.

- Say hello to nature.
- [LAUGHS]

Gate one.

[DOG BARKS]

Thank you.

You know, you're the first
woman I've brought out here?

I hope it's not too
rough and ready for you.

[LAUGHS] It's stunning.

Sheep are on the other
side of that paddock there.

We can get a quaddie in the
morning and go and have a look.

No-one locks their
doors round here.

People trust each
other in the country.

Cheers.

Mm. Very nice.

Is that one of yours?

Oh, yeah, this was Snowy.

Just kidding, I don't name them.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH LAUGH]

- [LAUGHS] Foot story.
- I started...

Oh, OK. The foot story.

I was over there
babysitting the other night.

And she said, out of the blue,

she said, "So-and-so kissed
me." I can't remember his name.

"So-and-so kissed me at school."

"But I know it wasn't
true love's kiss"

"because my foot didn't go up."

- [LAUGHS] What?
- Exactly. What?

I didn't know what that
meant. I was like, what?

What do you... Really?
What do you mean?

Anyway, we get to the
part in the movie...

And the prince is about
to kiss the princess,

and her foot goes... pop!

[BOTH LAUGH]

I said, "Oh, Rory, your
mind, how you think..."

I don't know. Why is
she thinking about

those sort of things already?

It was just sweet and cute
and I love her. [LAUGHS]

[TEACH ME TIGER BY
APRIL STEVENS PLAYS]

You're quite madcap, aren't you?

- I can be sometimes.
- Little bit? Eh?

♪ ..Tiger, how to kiss you

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-wa

- ♪ Show me, Tiger... ♪
- Well...

Maybe we see if
there's anything to it.

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-wa

♪ Take my lips

♪ They belong to you

♪ But teach me first

- ♪ Teach me what to do... ♪
- Oh.

[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ Touch me, Tiger
when I'm close to you

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-wa

♪ Help me, Tiger, I
don't know what to do

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-wa

♪ I know that you

♪ Could love me too

♪ But show me first

♪ Show me what to do

♪ This is the first love

♪ That I have ever known... ♪

[WHISPERS] It's OK.

♪ To make you very own?

♪ Teach me, Tiger,
how to tease you

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-wa

♪ Tiger, tiger, I
want to squeeze you

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-wa

♪ All of my love

♪ I will give to you

♪ But teach me, Tiger

♪ Or I'll teach you

♪ Tiger, Tiger... ♪

JOE: Are you awake?

Mm.

I was just thinking about

what you said about
my hands being soft.

It's the lanolin in the wool.

I thought you said
you wore gloves.

No.

No, you can't wear gloves
working with sheep.

JOE: You were onto me early.