02x02 - How To Be A Cat

[bunniefuu]

[PERKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MURPHY COLLINS] Here's the deal.

A family is only as
functional as the people in it.

In order to come
together, grow together,

you have to get yourselves together.

Now, you all need to work
on your individual kink.

My kink? I'm sorry.

- What is happening right now?
- What are we talkin' about right now?

You have a twist, right, that
needs to be straightened out.

Otherwise, you're
gonna end up in the same

broken place over and over again.

Edwin, [CLICKS TONGUE] let's
start with you, shall we?

Now, sir, I realize there's a
carceral system placed in this country

that is stacked against
you at every turn.

- You got that right.
- [MURPHY] It's real and it's wrong,

yet it's here.

And somehow, you've, you've managed
to avoid a healthy relationship

with money and a job.

- How do you know that?
- Your intake form here.

Says here you spent 17 years in prison

for conspiring to distribute cocaine.

Now that part of you
has seriously interfered

with you becoming a good
father and a good grandfather.

Hey, Doc, Doc, I've been tryin'

- to get a job...
- [MURPHY] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Stop, stop. We don't try
in here. Not now. Not you.

- Try to pick up that pen.
- What?

See, you don't try, you just do it.

Let me tell you somethin', Edwin,

today, in this office,
we're in "Do It Season."

- 'Kay?
- Yeah. Okay, okay.

Finn, why don't you tell me
what you're struggling with?

My mom says I game too much.

No, honey. That's not...
I... Not in judgment.

- I just...
- She says I don't go outside.

No, no. What I, I...

Is it wrong for me to want him
to have friends in high school?

'Cause I want him to go off
to college, and get a job,

and have a career, and meet
somebody, and get married,

and have a really nice life.

- I just...
- [MURPHY] Take a breath, lady, will ya?

In fact, why don't we all
just take a deep breath?

- [ALL INHALE]
- [MURPHY HISSES]

- [EDWIN LAUGHS]
- You like that, Edwin, huh?

Great.

Alright. So, that's your
challenge. Take a risk. Okay, Finn?

Get out there and interact
with live humans. Good?

Now we come to you.

- Hello, Paige.
- Yep. Bring it on.

Uhh, let's take our time with this, huh?

Picture me outside of Whole Foods, okay?

And I have one of
those-those-those clipboards

and I say, "What is it
in your life that you're

"consistently f*cking
up over and over again?

And no matter what
you do, you can't fix?"

No, no, no. Give her a minute.

Uh, Doc, you're chargin'
us by the hour, right?

I don't think we should be
wasting minutes like this.

Heard and respected. Your issue
is your romantic relationships.

- Ding, ding, ding.
- Yeah.

Finn, if my romantic
relationships have affected you,

I'm r-really sorry.

- If?
- [MURPHY] It's obvious you have

a primary attachment wound.

I mean, even a corporate
shrink should know that.

There it is. Couldn't resist.

Is that the reason that my daughter

walked away from a perfectly good man?

- No. No! No.
- [MURPHY] Yes.

It didn't work out with Mal
because he's not right for me.

I'm not sure you know
what's right for you.

- I do.
- I think that this is where you're living.

- Yeah. I'm very smart.
- [MURPHY] Right?

No. B-Brains should be
employees, not bosses.

Anyway, the point is
that you have to deal

with your primary attachment wound.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Paige, you got that.

Paige, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to stop living from here.

- [SIGHS] Okay.
- I want you to live from here and here...

- [PAIGE ALEXANDER] Okay.
- ... and here.

- Whoa, hey. Come on!
- Whoa, whoa. Okay, now. Okay, now.

- Come on now. Stop.
- Murphy. Why?

Can we take another deep breath, please?

[INHALES] Come on. Do
it with me. [EXHALES]

[PAIGE] So, as a therapist myself,

I am well aware that the very best place

for an adult to practice primary
attachment is in a relationship.

So, even though I kinda thought that
I was taking a break from dating,

I think I might be kinda
putting myself back out there.

What? [GASPS] Yeah. Okay. So,
I don't know. Wish me luck?

[SHUDDERS]

- Yes!
- Oh!

- Saw that?
- I saw that.

- You saw that?
- You're winnin', man!

I mean, "win" isn't really,
like, the right word.

You know, it's a multiplayer
game with a main quest,

there's, like, hundreds of side quests,

a couple, like, battle royale modes.

- sh*t. I just took a mulligan.
- Took a mulligan.

- Cool, cool.
- What's a mulligan? I want a mulligan.

[FINN ALEXANDER] Yo,
did you see that guy?!

- I see it.
- Where is he goin'?!

Hey, you guys just
sittin' here chillin'?

No. Finnie's showin'
me how this game work.

Now, as far as I can tell, it's, uh,

'90s drug wars with a medieval twist.

- Right?
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

So, Dad, I just wanted to, um, thank you

for folding all this stuff.

- It's really nice.
- It's the, uh, Marie Kondo method.

It saves twice the space.

- Oh.
- That woman can fold, man.

- I want to teach you that, son.
- Okay.

Um, there's just one other
thing, too, if that's okay.

It's just that if you have leftovers,

can you put them in a container
with a lid and not the plastic wrap?

'Cause just that stuff doesn't stick

and then the whole fridge
smells, like it does now.

Really, babygirl? Plastic wrap?

- I just...
- [EDWIN ALEXANDER] Yeah, I get it.

You are glad I'm back.

- [LAUGHS]
- Uh-huh.

Maybe. A little.

[CHUCKLES] This looks like a cool game.

Yeah, it is. I was telling Grandpa

that if he wants to be a
part of the 21st century,

he needs to know what an MMORPG is.

Obviously, you have to
know what that is, Dad.

- Come on, right?
- Okay, okay, okay.

Have you given your therapy
assignment any thought?

- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- Now, wait. Remember what

- Murphy said now.
- [PAIGE] What?

- That mom sucks at relationships?
- No! What he said was

each of us has to try different in
the areas where we're busted down.

- That's what he said.
- I wouldn't say that we're busted down

but that was very impressive
because you got it.

You know, it took me 60 years
to get my head around this thing?

Now if I'm goin' all-in, you
goin' right along with me.

- Alright?
- Alright. Okay.

So, you can invite one of those massive

multiplayer online
role-playing gamers over here.

- What?
- That's MMORPG.

- Aah!
- In real life?

- Yes. IRL.
- Nobody does that.

Well, you're the
first. You can innovate.

You can be like the, I don't
know, the Rosa Parks of gaming.

- Oh!
- Right?

- [EDWIN] I like that.
- Heroic. Look how proud he is.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

[PAIGE] I don't even know
what I should be looking for.

- I thought Murphy said ask your crotch.
- Well, I don't talk to my crotch. Do you?

I don't care what you do,

as long as you don't mention
Wine Country on the first date.

What is wrong with talking
about a romantic getaway weekend?

Nothing. You just can't talk
about sleeping together out of town

unless you're sleeping together in town.

I don't know. I think there are
some guys who really like that.

Mm. Where-Where are those guys now?

You're not in a wonderful
relationship with any of them, so.

- Okay.
- Oh, he's cute!

No, he is in a Gucci
shirt that says "Gucci."

- Not Gucci.
- Hold up. Wait, wait, wait.

Y'all online shoppin' for
a boyfriend, ain't you?

- [PAIGE] Well...
- [LAUGHS] That is lame.

- I'm sorry. Whoa.
- Dad!

No, no. Who is that?

Why he showin' off them
little, little n*pples? [LAUGHS]

His name is Raymond.

- [EDWIN] Okay. Uh-huh.
- He's 44.

Apparently he's an engineer,

and he thinks that a
bathroom mirror selfie

is gonna make me wanna
have sex with him.

I'd have sex with him, if
he had better shower tiles.

No. Okay. This is how it works. Okay?

We swipe left, which is a "no,"

to anybody who's in a fast
car, or "hang loose" hands,

or anybody holding a
fish that's two feet long.

- I don't do that.
- What about Jacob?

- He's my type.
- Well, yeah, your type is alive.

You know what? I respect
the brotha's beard.

- Add to cart.
- No, no, what... This is not...

- We're not shopping for milk.
- [EDWIN] Add!

- Oh no!
- [EDWIN] Add.

- Oh, God.
- [ESTI NELSON] Add.

No, no. Add to cart.

- Can I have my...
- Fish.

- No.
- No.

- Okay. Do you expect me to date...
- [EDWIN LAUGHS]

all these guys at once?

- I thought that was the point, girl.
- Well, maybe for a dog like you.

Oh, baby girl, your
daddy is not a dog now.

Really?

When it came to the ladies,
I was... more like a cat.

I don't know if I wanna
know what you mean by that.

- I do.
- Cats have swagger

'cause they know they're the sh*t.

Ain't afraid to take a risk 'cause
they always land on they feet.

They aloof. They finicky.

A cat, they wouldn't
give one single f*ck.

Boom. Knowledge.

Okay, okay, okay. So, your advice to me

is that I should be arrogant
and reckless and withholding?

That tracks.

That's not what I'm
sayin' at all, Paige.

Alright, think about a lion.

We at the top of the food
chain, up there goin',

"What? What food chain?"

Cats are powerful. You know why?

- Why?
- Why?

'Cause cats are cool.

Unlike a dog who go around lickin'
on folk they don't even know.

Ew. I mean, no. I am not a dog.

Think about that while
I go look for a job.

- Hey. Hey, fellas.
- Hey, how's it goin'?

Y'all here for the
Residential Aide position?

[APPLICANT] Uh-huh.

Oh, you're married, huh?

- Almost a year now.
- Oh, nice.

- Kids?
- Actually... my wife's pregnant.

- Oh, wow.
- Twins.

[EDWIN LAUGHS]

- It's gonna be wild.
- That is beautiful, man.

Let me just tell you a word of advice:

You got an insurance policy,

just make sure it's paid up in
full and it covers everything.

This line of work is no joke, man...

But I know y'all know that.

- Totally.
- Yeah.

But, like, what specifically?

Well, you know why the last
Residential Aide quit, right?

No.

- He got shanked, man.
- [APPLICANT SHUDDERS]

- Twice.
- What?!

Yeah.

And now he can't donate
his kidney to his wife.

It's-It's-It's a problem.

Hey... Thanks for the heads up.

- You out, man?
- [APPLICANT] Yeah. Good luck.

- Thank you. Well, you too.
- Yeah.

- [PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, wow.

[SIGHS] I didn't mean to...

I mean, this is a good gig.

You just gotta be prepared to work
weekends and nights and holidays

and get that regular tetanus shot.

It's... it's a good gig.

Ah.

♪♪

- [ALARM BLARING]
- Isaac, the microwave is broken!

Stop tryna burn this sh*t down!

Damn. Sorry, man. Uh, where were we?

Uh, you was about to offer me a
job. Well, now, no one else wants it.

Look, Edwin, I can't
just give you a job, man.

- You have to earn...
- Earn it.

- Yes.
- Absolutely.

And that's why I wrote my credentials
down right there and right there.

In excellent penmanship.

- It is excellent.
- You know, kids don't write

- cursive anymore.
- Oh.

[CHUCKLES] They don't
even learn it, man.

Experience in conflict resolutions,
group facilitation skills...

Oh, oh, see right here.
Uh, recently trained in CPR.

CPR?

I took a YouTube class last night, man.

Look, Edwin, with Curtistine
gone, I'm the HNIC.

Oh, I know that's right.

So, that means there's pressure on me

to find the right person for the job.

I'd be goin' out on a limb,

but as a former resident
with an immaculate record,

you are actually the ideal candidate.

You do understand the
dynamics of this place,

and you'd know who and what
to be on the lookout for.

- Is Miles still here?
- Can't seem to get rid of him.

So?

Yeah. The job is yours. Congrats.

- My man.
- Alright.

I won't let you down, man.

[ALARM BLARES]

The microwave's trash.

Go get 'em, man.

[MAL KENNEDY] That's it! Unplug it!

[g*ns sh**ting ON VIDEO GAME]

Dude, are you in,
like, band or somethin'?

You seem like you're in band.

Nope, I'm not, but I do like music.

You should do band then.

Easy A, put it on your
college applications.

[CHUCKLES] Bro, what is this?

[LAUGHS] What is this, dude?

Um, it's a dragon.

[SCOFFS] Yeah. I mean, really, bro?

You still play with Legos? That's crazy.

Actually, I gotta go,
but, uh, I'll see you.

[SNICKERS] Enjoy your Legos.

Yeah. Well, by the way, the
plural of Lego is Lego... so.

- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MILES] A'ight, seven come 11, baby.

[GRUNTS] Run that back. Run
that back. Run that back.

- Come on, now. Come on, now!
- Here we go.

Hey, hey. Y'all good.
Y'all good. Y'all good now.

I-I ain't the bogeyman, y'all.
Let-Let me see those dice.

Come on, Miles. Let me see.

Cardstock, toothpaste, toilet paper.

Okay, you think these are rollin' right?



You'd roll 100%... you weight 'em right.

Let's see. Just add a little salt.

Huh? Take that.

Try those.

Those things are gon' roll
like a B.B. King lick. Go 'head.

Old school.

- Alright.
- Have a good night.

- The eggplant parm is excellent.
- Is it?

I love eggplant parm
with a nice, big Cab.

I should've gotten a
Cab, right? Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Have you been to Wine Country?

Wake up, woman. Unpack that weekend bag.

You're acting like a golden retriever.

Uh, I-I love Napa and Sonoma,
but I really wanna go to Tuscany.

Look at you. You practically
humpin' this guy's leg.

- Do you have a passport?
- Hold up! Are you drooling?

Cats are supposed to be cool.
Come on, girl. Be cool. Try again.

You know what? Actually...
I'm gonna have the salmon.

Well done. No capers. Extra broccoli.

I love a woman who knows what she wants.

["THE MEN ALL PAUSE" BY KLYMAXX PLAYING]

♪ I tried to walk in
shy, very unnoticed ♪

♪ But the men turned away
from their burgers and sodas ♪

So, do you like your job?

- Mm-hm.
- And what do you do for fun?

Fun things.

You're mysterious, huh? It's sexy.

I'm gonna get us another drink.

♪♪

Anthony.

Pookie.

Miles.

Miles, lights out, man.

♪♪

♪♪

Let me guess...

promotion already.

- Edwin.
- Mal.

So how do you think things are goin'?

Uh, been no fights since I
started. Fellas love movie night.

I'd say things are goin' pretty good.

Yeah. I must admit Barbie
was unexpected, but I digress.

Edwin, you know that
prohibited activities

result in disciplinary actions, correct?

- Absolutely. Yes, sir.
- So, why didn't you report the gambling?

The gamblin'.

[ON VIDEO] No, you're good.
You're good, you're good.

You know what, Mal? I
am sorry. I really am.

[MAL] Oh.

But what I ain't... is a snitch.

I know you think you're
helpin' these guys,

but you're not.

You're hurting them. Okay?

The rules exist for a reason.

Some of the rules are bogus, man.

I mean, no snacks, no smokes.

[CHUCKLING] No thanks,
man. I mean, come on now.

Sure. Some of the rules are oppressive.

Dumb even. Okay? I agree.
But look, not all of 'em.

Like, smoking? You can't
smoke inside, anywhere.

It's just basic.

I'm tryna give the
guys some dignity, man.

I know how they feel.

Then you also know that some of
these guys feel safer on the inside

than they do out here.

Guys afraid of freedom.

They reoffend intentionally
just so they can go back in.

- I done seen that.
- Exactly.

And our job is to reduce recidivism.

Your boy, Miles, is on a path.

I gotta stay true to the game, man.

[SIGHS]

You know that 17-year
bid I just finished?

It's 'cause I didn't rat somebody out.

Oh, I knew the most
and I said the least.

[SCOFFS] And I did the time.

Look, I'm not asking you to snitch...

but for this job, you
better be a leader.

- Hey!
- Hey.

You okay?

I'm just tired.

You wanna watch that,
that dating show on TV

where the, the dude with
the teeth gives the roses

to the women with the emotional problem?

- Yeah. Sure, sure.
- Huh? Okay.

[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

How's work?

I know you mean, "How's Mal?"

What? No. I said, "How's
work?" Not, "How's Mal?"

- How is Mal?
- Yeah.

No, I don't wanna know. I
don't wanna... Don't tell me

because I am moving on and
being who I need to be for me.

And it's working.

Wait a minute.

- Did you take my advice?
- Yes!

- Yes! Can you tell?! Can you tell?!
- [EDWIN LAUGHS]

Okay, this last guy I
went out on a date with,

he wants to take me to Martina.

- Oh, that's like a-a big... Okay.
- It's so nice. It's really nice.

And I was like...

"I'm not sure."

- That's my baby cat.
- Yes!

- [BOTH PURR AND GROWL]
- Yes! It's a vibe. It's just such a vibe!

- [EDWIN LAUGHS]
- Oh, thank you... It's good.

Huh, wait. Now see, why would
Ashley P. ask this-this guy, Mike,

to go on a date one-on-one with her

when he already made it with, uh,
uh, Ashley-Ashley M. in the hot tub?

- And Ashley K. in the o...
- Ashley... ocean.

- In the ocean. In the ocean.
- Mm-hm. Yes, yes! Okay.

But Mike is who Ashley P. really wants.

They're all in love with Mike.

- Okay.
- Mm-hm.

Paige, I just realized somethin'.

What? That therapy is really working?

I was gonna say there are too
many asses in this damn show.

- [PAIGE LAUGHS]
- But... therapy too. Yeah, yeah.

Hi! Oh, is it my birthday?

I don't know, is it?

No, but you are taking out
the trash without being asked.

And that is amazing. [LAUGHS]

- I'm the luckiest mom ever.
- My man. My man.

Hey, Finn.

That's your Lego, man.

[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

- I'ma need the pack.
- [MILES CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] The f*ck, man?

Yo, I-I thought you was down, man.

Miles... we gotta do some
of this sh*t by the book.

Come on, dawg. You know
how miserable this place is.

I mean, it's supposed to be halfway,

but th-this ain't even a third, man.

Third is better than nothin' at all.

Alright, man.

I'ma need the phone too, man.

- What-What phone?
- [EDWIN SIGHS]

[PHONE VIBRATES]

You gonna answer those Flamin' Hots or?

Look, man, I thought
you knew what's up, man.

Yeah, I know what's up
better than most. Believe me.

You got bullshit in here,
we got bullshit out there.

All I'm sayin',

I'd much rather deal with the sh*t

that keeps me on this
side of the bars, Miles.

You feel me?

Appreciate you.

So, you gon' write me up?

Write what up?

[DOOR CLOSES]

You guys, I just wanted
to give you an update

on my dating journey

because I'm k*lling it, destroying,

and I'm learning so much.

Okay, like, give way less
f*ck, take more baths,

and then, my personal
favorite, be super finicky.

Right? It's fantastic. It's like
nothing I've ever felt before.

So, I'm gonna document it all here.

It's gonna be called
"How to Be a Cat." [PURRS]

Let me know what you think.

- The f*ck is this?
- What?

You went on a dating spree and
put it all over your social media?

Well, uh, there's a lot that people
can learn from these insights.

E-Every one of the guys I
dated is still clawing his way

- into my DMs.
- Um, ew.

Also, okay, I lost 3,000 followers
because of the Kris & Chris hit job.

Thank you very much. So, you know,

I'm just rebuilding my community.

Because you need 3,000 more
eyeballs to validate you?

Actually that would be, like, 6,000.

Alright, missy, I'm putting
you on a social media diet

until you're clear
whether you're doing it

to give something or to get something.

- Okay.
- And this whole "date like a cat" thing,

I mean, w-where did such a unskilled,
transactional idea come from?

Okay.

I broke down how the
animal kingdom works,

but I did not tell you to
start purrin' on your phone

- and sharin' it with a bunch of people.
- But the purring worked.

The purring was great.
My dates were great.

- I felt centered, I felt amazing!
- You felt powerful.

Is that the word you were
trying to come up with?

Yes! Yes, I felt powerful.

Which is so good because usually
I'm like a puppy, ya know?

Right, so you went from an
anxious puppy to an avoidant cat.

- Yeah.
- From having no power

than to having all of it.

- Right.
- Wrong.

Look, both extremes are too much.

In one version, you're
guaranteeing that you will get hurt.

And the other version,
you're guaranteeing

that you won't get hurt.

Both are fundamentally
insecure. Do you understand that?

Yes. Stop talking, please. Okay?

I know this. I'm a
therapist. I know this.

Yeah, yeah. You know it up here.

But I need you to know
it here and here...

- No, no, don't do that...
- No, no, no.

I don't know things there.

This was great. This was great.
Mom's a cat. Grandpa's got a job.

- We could be done with therapy now.
- Finn.

Finn, how'd you do with your assignment?

- Not good, I guess.
- It was stupid and boring.

- Stupid and boring?
- [FINN] Mm-hm.

Finn, let me ask you somethin'.

Do you have a problem relaxing
because you're moving your leg here?

- Sure. Yeah.
- Right, yeah.

What about headaches? Do you-you
get headaches, tense muscles?

Do you have problems
staying asleep at night?

Okay. This, like, an ad for,
like, erectile dysfunction?

I mean, the kid is too
young for all that, man.

Edwin, please.

Have you ever considered
that you may have

a, uh, a General Anxiety Disorder?

- I mean, I know I'm tense.
- [MURPHY] 'Kay.

- And I definitely think way too much.
- Mm-hm.

- And people stress me out, so.
- Yeah, but honey,

everybody your age feels
the exact same way, right?

Who gives a f*ck about everyone his age?

This is your child and
it's affecting his life.

["FAMILY" BY JORDAN RAKEI PLAYING]

[SOFTLY] Can we just do
that breathing sh*t again?

♪♪

♪ Family ♪

♪ You're still part of me ♪

♪ Family ♪

♪ And now I know your heart's in tears ♪

♪ Family ♪

♪ I've been my proudest fear ♪

♪ Family ♪

♪ Just don't let time be wasted here ♪

[SPRAY PAINT CAN HISSING]