01x29 - To Heir Is Human

[bunniefuu]

Ah-hyuck!

♪ H-h-h-hit it ♪

♪ Like father, like son ♪

♪ You're always number one ♪

[both] Yes!

♪ There's buddies
There's pals ♪

Yeah!

♪ You always seem to work things out ♪

♪ Can't you see you're two of a kind ♪

♪ Lookin' for a real good time ♪

Whoa!

♪ A real good time ♪

Aah!

♪ Report to the Goof Troop ♪

♪ And we'll always stick together ♪

♪ Always stick together ♪

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ The best of friends forever ♪

♪ Side by side wherever we go ♪

♪ We're always ready to roll ♪

♪ Now gimme a beat ♪

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ And we always stick together ♪

Gawrsh!

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ The best of friends forever ♪

♪ Now we're calling everyone ♪

♪ Come along and join the fun ♪

♪ Report to the Goof Troop ♪

♪ Baa ba doo da bop baa ba doo bop ♪

Yeah!

[clock ticking]

[ticking gets louder]

[bell rings]

[both] Summer vacation!

Gonna play video games
till our fingers won't flex.

Gonna watch movies till our eyes bug out.

-Fishin'!
-Comics!

-Campin' out!
-Fun!

Thrills!

[both] Three months of freedom!

It just ain't fair.

Do I get any fun and thrills?

No. Gotta work till I croak.

That'll be 50 bucks!

Little dips get to play all summer.

Lucky if I get a few hours to myself.

Plus tax!
I ain't had a lunch break in 15 years.

Plus labor! Hyped so many cars,

I got gas on the brain
and blisters on my tongue.

Plus postage and handling.

Got to bring home the bacon.
Plus inventory charge!

Keep the dog in kibble...
Plus inflationary upkeep.

...and the kids in blue jeans.

Plus overcharge on the surcharge.

This job's k*lling me. That's 377 bucks!

Gawrsh! All I got's 250.

Next!

Ah-hyuck! Gee! A discount!

Ah-hyuck! Thanks, Petey.

What a guy. Short-changed in life,
and still gives a customer a break.

Does Petey get a break? No. 10 bucks!

Can Petey even take one day off?

No. Plus federal tax!

Fishing season opens tomorrow,
but can Petey go? No!

Petey's gotta stay here
and mind the store.

And state tax and city
tax and carpet tacks and--

Or do I?

Whoa!

Not if I had somebody to
mind the store for me.

-OK. First the arcade.
-Then the movies.

-Couple of rounds of goony golf!
-Read comics till 2 a.m.

Then tomorrow--

[both] Fishin' season!

[Pete] P.J.!

[Max] Aw, not now!

Look, whatever dad wants,
I'll get out of it.

I'll be back in 15 minutes. Promise.

OK. I'll wait.

Ack! Oof! Eep! Urmf! Olp!

Ack! Oof!

You bellowed for me, Dad?
Dad! Are you OK.?

Of course I'm OK.
W-W-Why wouldn't I be OK.?

I feel great! Picture of health.
Brblbrblbrbl!

Dad! What's wrong?

Why, nothing, son. I'm fine.

Whoa! Ee! Aah! Pllbt!

You can't con me. I'm your son!
What gives?

OK, I'll tell ya.

But you gotta promise
not to breathe a word!

I've been suffering
palpitations of the alter-ego

with a twitchy-witchy-wabi
and a floy-floy.

-What's that?
-You don't want to know.

It starts with tickles in the ears,
first sign of degenerative earwax-ola.

Next thing you know,

your earlobes start flakin' off!

Aah! Quick! Call a doctor!

It's no use!

What I got, they ain't even heard of!

No! We gotta do something!

Don't worry about me, son.

Just take care of your mom and sis
and poor little Chainsaw!

[sobbing]

Me? B-But I'm just a kid.

My kid!

And when I'm away,
you gotta wear the pants, see?

Bring home the bacon,
take the wheel of Honest Pete's Used Cars!

Me? Sell cars?

Dad, I can't even drive yet!

You wouldn't want your mom
to have to scrub floors

and p*stol to peddle pencils

and Chainsaw to pull sleds
in the great white north, would you?

No! No! OK. What do you want me to do?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

Your pop's gonna teach
you everything I know

about the car biz, which is plenty.

I'll have you selling like a pro
by tomorrow morning.

Ha ha!

[sigh]

[ring]

[ring]

Hello.

Peej, where are you? What do you mean

you promised to help your dad
count his lug nuts?

We were--

OK. OK. I'll meet you at the movies.

Hey, Peej, is everything--

[click, dial tone]

Peej? Hello?

Rule one, catching a sucker's
like hooking a fish.

Just need the right bait.

Madam, you're looking
at the automobile of the future,

the light car.

Light on pollution, light on gas.

In fact, it doesn't use any gas at all.

Well, that's amazing.

She's hooked. Now reel her in.

Uh, light on the pocketbook
'cause there's no engine to repair.

What? No engine?

Trying to cheat me, eh?
Of all the underhanded--

Ha ha ha! Kid needs his eyes checked.

Now over here...

You got our latest
super see-through windshield.

Never gets smeared with bugs.

And today only, it comes with
free flow-through air conditioning.

Uh, yeah, right.

Flow-through rain, flow-through snow,
flow-through bird stuff-- Aah!

No windshield?

Of all the low-down,
cheating, disgusting--

[whap]

Hmph.

Dad, I'm no good at this.

Aw, your only problem
is a bad habit of telling the truth.

Here. Pete's Golden Rules of Car Sales.

Memorize that, and by tomorrow morning,

you'll be able to sell anything
to anybody!

By tomorrow?
Dad, you gotta stick around longer!

-[coughing]
-Cough! Hack!

Gargle! [gasp]

No time. Got intense stinkitis
of the tonsils chords!

Means I'm rotten to the core
and fadin' fast!

Without you,
your mom will be mopping mud holes

and p*stol will be selling day-old socks

and Chainsaw will be working
as a ringmaster in a flea circus!

[sobbing]

Oh...

OK. Rule five.

"For every junk car, there's a pretzel,
a gum drop,

a jelly bean?

Oh, yeah. "A sucker". OK.
Rule 6. Shoes 'em or b-b-blues--

schmooze 'em or lose 'em".

-[ringing]
-OK, seven.

"Truth is for--" Hamburgers?
Hotdogs? "Weenies"!

[Max] Who are you calling a weenie?

Huh? Oh, Max, I'm real busy, man.
Call you next week.

Movie? What movie?

The movie me and my best buddy
were supposed to see two hours ago

before we went to Goony Golf,

or are you going to cancel that, too?

Yes-- No, I mean, sorry. I forgot.

I-- Oh, yeah-- I promised p*stol
I'd cut her out a thousand paper dolls,

and then I gotta help Chainsaw dig bones.

You know how it is.

P.J., if you don't want to hang with me
this summer, just say so.

No! I mean yes!

Look, as soon as I get done
doing what I don't want to do,

I'll meet you at Golfy Goon.

Goony Golf.

Promise!

Great. First I'm losing my dad.
Now I'm losing my best friend.

[snoring]

[humming]

[sniff sniff sniff]

Ha ha ha!

Ooh! Got me a big one now!

[crashing]

Dad! What's goin' on?

Did ya see that?

Severe ingrown nose hair!

First sign of rampaging
reverse follicle-emia!

Your body hair grows inward,
gets tangled in your spine.

And everywhere you go, you trip.

[whimpering] I'm fadin' fast.

But at least your mom won't
be scrubbing oil slicks

and p*stol won't be selling
empty toothpaste tubes

and Chainsaw won't be working
as a herd dog on a bee farm...

'Cause...

They got you.

Oh...

[sighs]

[man on radio] Ninety degrees,
and the fishing is easy

on the first day of the
season here in Spoonerville,

where it looks like everybody
in town's out on the lake.

Oh, man. Open a whole hour already,
and still no customers.

My family will be in a soup line
if I don't sell some cars quick.

What would Dad do?

OK. Rule 20, "not swimming in suckers?
Grab 'em with a gimmick".

I tell you, P.J. would rather
see week-old garbage than me.

Ain't his style to chuck a friend.
Something's got to be wrong.

[P.J.] Hurry, hurry,
hurry to Honest Pete's Used Cars!

We don't clown around
when it comes to bargains!

We'll turn cartwheels
to give you the best deal in town!

Whoa!

All right, Peej, what's goin' on?

On? Nothing's going on.
What could be goin' on?

[fake laughing]

I promised I wouldn't,
but I gotta tell somebody!

[sobbing]

Oh, Max, it's Dad!

He's got every disease
nobody's ever even heard of,

and I gotta bring home a bunch of bacon!

His insides are spilling out,
his outsides are growing in,

his nose hair's connected
to his thigh bone,

and he's a goner!

[honking]

Poor Petey!

[ah-ooga]

P.J.! I-- I didn't know! I--I--

Oh, P.J., that's awful!

[honking]

My family's going down the toilet
because my sales are in the sewer

'cause I can't sell cars
to save my tailpipe!

Don't worry! We'll help ya out!

[ah-ooga]

Yeah. What you need's
a good publicity gimmick!

[honking]

A car dealer down the street
once wrestled an alligator!

[ah-ooga]

Nah. I lose
when I wrestle my little sister!

[honking]

What if Petey did it?

[sniffle]

Said he wanted some thrills in his life!

[ah-ooga]

OK!! His minutes are numbered anyway!

[honking]

[all wailing]

-[honking]
-[ah-ooga]

[Pete] Of all days to oversleep.

Lake'll be all fished out
before I get there.

[man on radio]
And the biggest catch so far

is a 20-foot speedboat
on a tangled fishing line.

And this just in.

It's special event day
at Pete's Used Cars.

Huh?

Honest Pete himself
is going to mud-wrestle Bulldozer Bob,

get shot out of an elephant's trunk
wearing a body suit of balloons,

anything if you'll buy a car.

Ha! That's my boy!

Rule 19, promise 'em everything,
give 'em nothing.

On my way. Catch ya later. Bye.

No. We'll catch you.

This is the federal department
of truth in advertising.

And if you don't do those stunts
you promised,

why, you're going to jail
for false ads on the public airwaves.

Huh?

But my condition.

I got acute shudders of the kneecaps
and jellyitis of the toenails.

But, Dad,
you can fix up the family for life.

The family? Oh, yeah.
Of course. Good point.

Uh, Goof, will you take my place...

For Peg and the kids?

Gawrsh. Thought you wanted some thrills.

But if I can help--

Now hold it.
The law allows no substitutions.

It's you or else.

OK. I'll do it.

Ohh. Wait till I tell Mom and Sis
you went out in a shower of bone chips.

We'll never forget you, Dad.

Hey, Pal, make you a deal.

Go easy
and I'll give you a free set of tires.

Grragh!

OK, OK! A whole car!

A chauffeur. Aah!

Look at it this way, Peej.
He'll go quick and painless.

Bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, bumpity...

Quick, anyway.

What a show!
Fifty bucks for the junk truck!

Sold!

-Thirty for the rusted-out Jeep.
-Deal!

-Twenty-five for the stripped jalopy.
-I'll take it.

Thirty bucks? Twenty-five bucks?
Stop! You're giving those cars away!

Yeah! Isn't he doing great?

Come on, the elephant's waiting.

And now for you, the car-buying public,

presenting the world's
first human satellite,

my dad... Honest Pete!

Give this all up! What about my condition?

Aah! Whoa!

[cheering]

[sniffling] What a guy.

Going out with a bang
to assure his family's future.

-Twenty bucks for the convertible.
-Here you go.

-Ten for the station wagon.
-Done deal.

-I'll take one.
-Hey, all yours.

Hey! Hey! Out here!

[crash]

Wow! Still alive!
Hurry, Peej, let's get the squid.

What squid?

The live one you're gonna swallow.

No day off's worth this.

Uh, hey! Why, lookie here.

Miracle of miracles. I'm cured! Yeah!

[popping]

Poor guy thinks he's OK.

Must be sufferin'
advanced reverse brainitis.

Yeah. Better let him spend
his last seconds at home.

Uhhh! Heavy guy!

Hey, hey, hey! Got to do it.
Didn't you hear me? I say I'm cured!

I said I'm cured! I don't wanna go.

I just hope I made enough dough
to keep my family outta the bread line.

Mom, is this enough?

Enough for what, honey?

Enough to keep you
from buffing bugs off blimps

and p*stol from selling used braces

and Chainsaw from having to work
as a seeing-eye dog for bats.

P.J., what are you talking about?

Well, since dad's sick and
I gotta wear his pants,

is it enough to buy you a bunch of bacon?

What?

He said his body's turning to trash
and I gotta sell buckets of cars

or you'll all go down
the garbage disposal!

So that's what his fishing gear
was doing in the living room.

Got your dad to bed.

What a slugger.
Had to fight him all the way.

[sniffle] 'Fraid the end is near.

You bet it is.

The only thing wrong with that
rotten pineapple rind is fishing fever.

Is that where you break out in fish hooks
and your limbs scale off?

It's when your paint can of a father
tricks you into doing his job

so he can take the day off fishing!

-Tricked us?
-What?

-He wouldn't.
-He could, he would, he did.

Aah! Aah!

Now, now, now.
Fishing fever is a very stubborn disease.

So I'm afraid the cure
will have to be drastic.

Peg? P.J.?

Ahh! Feeling great.
Oh, yes, sir, it's a miracle.

Vim and vigor, both of 'em. That's me. Ha!

Just chomping at the sales
slip to get back to work.

Peg? Anybody home?

[doorbell chimes]

Gaaa!

Hey! Who are you? Let go of me!

Peg!

Oh, Goofy and the boys told me
about your terrible condition.

My what?

So I'm sending you to a quick cure clinic
for the hopeless.

No, no, no! You don't understand!

[P.J.] We interrupt this program

for a special announcement
from P.J.'s Used Cars!

Where we've got down-home prices
for down-home pocketbooks.

Every, I'm talking every,
car is on sale for only five bucks.

Back to you, Pop.

Oh, no, no. Don't look now.
Your eyes can't take the daylights.

Wait a minute. Stop. Let me go! Aah!

I'm telling you, the only thing wrong
with me is my profit margin!

Hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm.

A clear case of terminal lazy-ola,

systemis shirk-itis,
and galloping boondoggle-emia.

Not a second to lose.
What this patient needs is...

The heebie jeebian
blood purification treatment.

We'll spin those germs
right outta your pores.

Whoa!

Time to make his bottom line
break out in a rash. Hit it!

[P.J. on radio]
Buy now, drive later at P.J.'s used cars!

Sure, man, bring your piggy banks

and get your high school dragsters
for two bucks each!

Two bucks! I gotta stop him!

Let me down!

Hmm, extreme shiftyitis of the eyeballs.

The treatment failed.

Which makes him a perfect guinea pig--

uh, uh, patient
for the east Albanian earthworm pack.

[earthworms chatter]

Let me out. Hee hee ha ha. Yaa!

[sputtering]

Now, now.

Squirming around
will just make the earthworms angry.

Now let's really make him squirm.

Dollar, dollar, dollar.

Every car now one dollar
at P.J.'s Used Cars!

Buy extras to furnish your home!

Wow your friends with a four-door sofa,

-a convertible coffee table!
-What?

Let me outta here!

Uh-oh. The patient is becoming agitated.

No choice but to resort
to the pre-Colombian putrid purge.

Vinegar, mustard, and cod liver oil.

Cures one in every 10,000

and pretty much finishes off
everybody else.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Buy a car for the price-- Are you ready?

Of a lemonade!
I am serious as a pimple on prom night.

10% off if you get a six-pack.

[coughing] I'll be ruined!
Somebody do something!

We've done all we can.
You have to go home and await the results.

Unless you don't make it home.

Please, please, please, please.

You gotta drive me to the car lot.

I'll do anything! I'll do anything!
I'll do anything!

Sorry. It's not on my way to the cemetery.

Ah-hyuck!

[heart beating rapidly]

Help! Help! Somebody! Let me out. Help!

Why, Petey! Ah-hyuck! You're cured!

Just hope you're strong enough
to take the bad news.

Your car lot crashed, bellied up,
and went outta business.

What?

[radiator hissing]

[Max, P.J. wailing]

Aw, buck up, Peej, you did your best.

P.J.!

Dad? Oh, thank goodness you're well!

He tried to fill your pants,
but he couldn't.

And now mom's scrubbing cement
off the concrete.

Yeah, and p*stol's selling used tissues.

And Chainsaw's giving doggy rides to cats,
just like you said!

Not while I'm man of the house.
Hand over those pants.

Whatever gave you the kooky idea
a kid could run this place?

Now am-scray! Go fishing or something.

I won't be needing you
for another 30 years.

[Max and P.J.] Three months of freedom!

-[Max] First we'll go fishing.
-[P.J.] Then we'll watch videos.

[Max] Yeah, yeah.
Then we'll go to the rock concert.

Hmm. Something's not adding up here.

-OK. Two boys, plus one loving wife...
-[calculator keys tapping]

...times four doctors,
take away the undertaker--

Nah.

♪ Gimme a beat ♪

[theme music playing]

Yeah!