01x01 - Cookies and Spaghetti

[bunniefuu]

[TV STATIC DRONES]

[BRIGHT TONE]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[MUFFLED INDISTINCT SPEECH]

♪ ♪

[OVERLAPPING SPEECH]

[BEEPING]

[KEYS CLACKING]

♪ ♪

[VOICES GROWING LOUDER]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Need proof of existence...

- Existence...

[WHISPERING] Here is your proof.

[SOFT RHYTHMIC VOCALIZING]

♪ ♪

Hello, Crayola.

One yellow.

Yellow for the sun.

Yellow for a duck.

That's a great choice.

Everybody loves a duck.

OK, now do orange.

[FUNKY MUSICAL STING]

White.

[SOFT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

Gray!

[MELLOW TONE]

Black.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

Beige.

[SOFT BUZZER BLARES]

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you. Thank you.

But the reason I'm here

is because I was tossing

and turning all night,

thinking about how you

need to make a clear crayon.

- Clear?

- Like the color clear.

Yes.

But clear isn't a color.

If it isn't a color,

what do you call this?

What do you call what?

The space between us.

The emotional space, I mean.

But... but then... [SIGHS]

- If a crayon is a clear wax...

- Mm-hmm.

And it leaves no

discernible color behind,

what's the use?

It cannot be done.

Wh... why are you doing this?

Why do you need this?

It's already done.

[SOFT MUSIC]

Look at this glass of water over here.

It's defiantly clear.

Some things aren't one

of the normal colors

or play by the rules of the rainbow.

Think about air or

smells or... or memory.

Shouldn't they be allowed to be colors?

To color something clear

is to acknowledge that

maybe things are different,

and that's just fine.

To color something clear

is to reimagine coloring as we know it.

Thanks so much for stopping by.

You've given us a lot to think about.

If we were to move

forward with clear Crayola,

what would we call it?

Oh, um, call it "Fantasmas."

"Fantasmas"?

It means "ghosts."

But why plural? Why not "Fantasma"?

It's "blue," not "blues."

Oh, because I... I like it.

Right, but logically,

it should be "Fantasma."

You know what? You're right.

Let's call it "Fantasma."

Singular.

No S.

- Good.

- Good.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Where is my car?

Oh, there's my ride.

Hi. For Julio?

Mm-hmm. Welcome to Chester's.

Just a few things.

Close my door... gently...

delete your Uber app,

and download Chester.

It's gonna be the only app

you'll want to use from now on.

Uh, what... what's the Chester app?

Oh, it's basically

the Chester alternative to Uber,

but all the proceeds go to Chester.

You could book a ride

with me via the app

and have access to a community board

where users share the bathroom codes

at various Chipotle locations.

It's giving grassroots

up in here, honey.

Oh, also, if you a legacy rider,

you can get picked up and dropped off,

even if I'm already with somebody.

[CHUCKLES] Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

That TV must remain on at all times.

And it must only play "Melf."

One for you and one for me.

How do you do it?

No!

[LAUGHTER]

[CRASHING]

Uh...

- Uh...

- Grace, be careful.

[COUGHS]

What are you?

I'm Melf from the planet Melf.

Can we keep him?

Please?

Fine.

Melf loves cookies and spaghetti!

[LAUGHTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

Jeff?

I... I heard a noise downstairs.

Thought there were robbers in the house.

Turns out, it was just Melf here

having a late-night food

fight all by himself.

You are helping me clean this up.

No excuses, Melf.

[SIGHS]

You know what? You go back to bed.

I'll start cleaning up.

All right. Good night.

Don't stay up too late.

[SIGHS]

We can't let it get

that close again, Melf.

Melf loves cookies.

And spaghetti.

And Jeff.

Jeff really likes Melf too.

Melf does not want to be on the side.

Melf wants to be first.

When will Jeff tell Nancy about Melf?

[SIGHS] Soon.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[WHISPERING] I love you.

♪ ♪

Oh, Melf!

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

Oh!

You scared me.

[LAUGHS] What are you...

[LAUGHING]

What are you, um...

Listen.

Uh...

Melf wants the house.

- [AUDIENCE GROANING]

- Girl, leave his a*s.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

- OK.

- Get out!

Get out, Jeff!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hi, Dad.

- Hi, sweetie.

I, uh... hi.

Hi.

- May I?

- Of course.

It's just...

Thank you for, uh... for inviting...

Oh, I was just so

surprised you called, Grace.

It's Toast. It's Toast now.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[GASPS]

Your mother died and gave you her ring.

I'm joking.

Oh, my God. My little...

- Toast.

- Toast is getting married.

I think you'd really like her.

Her?

Are you serious?

Sorry, I... I didn't...

Your step-Melf is gonna be so happy.

Dad...

Do you have a wedding registry?

- Anything you want, on us.

- Dad...

I don't want Melf at the wedding.

- Oh.

- [DOOR OPENING]

Oh, Jeff, you won't believe who I saw

down at the store today!

I...

Toast?

Hey, Jeff,

Melf left some groceries in the car.

I'll get 'em.

Wait, Dad.

Dad...

Are you hungry?

Uh, I was...

I was just, uh, leaving.

Oh, let Melf fix you a plate.

No, I... I really have to go.

Oh, how about some

cookies and spaghetti?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Melf!

[LAUGHTER]

♪ ♪

[TAPPING]

Julio? Julio?

There's Bibo.

Oh, my God, get out.

That's your assistant?

Yeah. It's like a secretary.

Hi, Bibo.

Welcome to Chester's, Bibo.

Thank you.

I need to take tomorrow

off for a teeth cleaning.

Um, but you don't have teeth.

It's on the calendar.

Oh, I believe it's in the calendar,

but you don't have teeth.

- I got a Groupon.

- I know.

Look, I'm completely fine

with you taking tomorrow off.

I'm completely fine with

you going to the dentist.

But I just don't want you to get there

and be disappointed when

there's nothing to whiten.

Gaslighter.

I want a raise.

Are there any non-Bibo-related items

in this bag?

As a matter of fact,

another one of these came in.

I detect it's urgent.

[EERIE MUSIC]

Julio, you're ignoring this again.

These letters are piling up.

These are most likely

from your landlord.

[GASPS] What is that siren call?

Julio.

Don't go into yourself again.

Wait, do you hear that?

Do you hear that? Do you hear that?

No. What?

I'm gonna get out here.

OK.

- Nice to meet you, Chester.

- Likewise.

Have a good day.

You too!

[SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

Um, hi. Uh, what is that?

What is this? What is that sound?

It's a little oyster.

With little diamonds.

It's unique, rare.

[GASPS] Beautiful.

♪ ♪

I'll take it.

♪ ♪

Oh, wow, huh.

What?

Well, that mole behind your ear.

♪ ♪

It almost looks like

the oyster's shadow.

Oh, it's not... it's not a mole.

It's a... it's a birthmark.

I've... I've had it checked.

It's exactly the same size.

How... [GASPS]

Odd.

♪ ♪

How odd.

She said it was part

of a cursed antique,

so I had to buy it.

Perfect.

It's perfect.

One of a kind.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

- Thank you.

- Oh, my God.

Like his apartment.

Have you seen it?

It's gorgeous.

This is going to be huge for you.

Don't lose it.

♪ ♪

- I lost it.

- I...

- No!

- Yes.

- The oyster?

- Yes, the oyster.

No.

How much was it?

Did you find it?

- No.

- Aw.

I want to go.

Do you want to split a Chester with me?

A what?

Chester.

♪ ♪

All right. Y'all ready?

I'm gonna just drop Amina off first,

'cause, you know, she a teacher.

But then y'all are next.

Oh, there's the building

I'm applying for.

You're moving into the

Capital One Residencies?

The ExxonMobil one.

- Oh.

- And Julio,

they have a swimming pool.

Ooh, girl, I hear it's nice.

Did they ask you for

that thingy, though?

Proof of existence.

Hmm.

Yes.

They ask it for all apartments now.

Child, I don't play with

no damn proof of existence.

I don't need one.

Girl, tell me why Uber was

trying to get me to get one,

and I was like, y'all are

trying to take half of my money

off my rides and want

me to pay for an ID

that proves that I exist?

Girl, bye.

I exist.

Good.

I don't... I don't even have

one, and I don't want it.

I want nothing to do with it.

Wait, go off, sis.

I look like garbage in mine.

[HISSING]

What do you do, Vanesja?

It's pronounced "Vanesa."

The J is silent, like

the poisonous flower.

Oh.

I'm a very important talent agent,

here on very serious business.

She's a performance artist

performing as my agent,

but she's been doing it for so long that

now she's just doing,

like, regular agent stuff.

So it's just kind of unclear.

Wait, but you submitted

"agent" for your proof?

No more questions, Chester.

Aw, secretive girl.

[LAUGHS] OK.

What about you, Julio?

What do you do?

Julio was struck by

lightning as a child.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Ever since, he's seen the

world a little differently.

Mm.

When I came to, they

gave me a doctor's note

to skip gym for the rest of my life.

I got it laminated, and

that's what I show people

when they ask for proof of existence.

Wait, OK. Side note.

What was you doing in the woods?

I don't remember.

I don't think... you know.

[WHISPERING] He was pooping.

I don't think it matters.

In fact, he was wiping

when the lightning hit.

But he takes that part

out of the mythology,

due to societal shame.

[CHUCKLES] Wait, but what do you do?

Like, I am a teacher.

You are a...

A Julio.

It's what he does.

Mm-mm. Elaborate, please.

I mean, you know, I wake

up, and I just sort of Julio.

It's amazing.

Just today, he was

consulting for Crayola,

and tomorrow, he's meeting with NASA

to rebrand a constellation.

I can feel the inner lives

of, uh, shapes and colors

and sounds and numbers and letters.

I started doing letters recently.

Like, OK, let me give you an example.

You know how the letter Q

comes up way too early in the alphabet?

How do you mean?

Well, it should be

all the way in the back

with the fellow avant-garde letters:

the X, the Y, and the Z.

Q didn't ask to go early.

I mean, just imagine

what it would feel like.

- [APPLAUSE]

- Delightful.

So nice and easy.

Once again, give it up for P.

And now, put your hands together for Q.

All the letters in the alphabet

have been so accessible,

until Q takes the stage.

Hey, I'm Q.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ You're all gonna die ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

sh*t-f*ck.

- Thank you.

- Thank you, Max!

This next one is called,

"Your Zipper is Open, and

Your c*ck is Hanging Out."

No one gets him.

Q just went up too early.

Come on... you got me sandwiched

in between these two normies.

I'm sorry, but that's what they are.

Who the hell you got up there now?

R?

Listen to him. They're eating him up.

I'm not accessible like that.

That's why you gotta

put me on late, you know,

when they're all liquored up.

We talked about this.

I don't make the order.

Fine. You know what?

This club sucks, and so do you.

You know what?

I'm proud to be niche.

I don't care.

I'm only kidding, man. Come on.

[CHUCKLES] You know me.

Just... just give me a chance.

But Q will continue to be Q.

♪ Social Security ♪

♪ Oh, you're so maturity ♪

♪ Your 401 is not OK ♪

- Have a nice day.

- This is great.

- Hey!

- What is this?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, come on!

[CHUCKLES] Nice to meet you.

I'm O.

Listen, you know what the difference is

between you and me?

What?

The little stick.

You got to lose that thing.

Yeah, but then I'd be...

Me.

My understudy.

I got so many gigs right now.

Orange, orangutan, ooze.

I'm in that one twice.

Listen, I'm swamped.

I need an extra pair of hands.

Give me a call when you're done being

an out-of-work letter, huh?

[JAZZ MUSIC]

- Blech!

- Whoa!

Ooh, I can do it too.

Ugh.

No one is buying what Q is selling.

There's no market for weird.

And for years, Q had to find other ways

to pay the bills...

♪ ♪

while all the mainstream letters

were swimming in opportunity.

Becoming the highest-grossing

consonant in the alphabet.

F is set to sign a

multimillion-dollar contract

to start a new word alongside

America's sweetheart, B.

Peeved at coming...

And then the worst happened.

Weird suddenly became cool.

Yeah, man, we're W, X, Y, and Z,

and we don't play by the

dumb rules of this town,

and we won't play nice.

And Q just missed the boat.

We're not like anything

you've seen before.

We shatter the rules.

We don't get in line.

As the injustice of it

all slowly crept in,

it finally became too much for Q.

[FRENZIED MUSIC]

♪ ♪

All those years of insisting on his art,

staying true to himself.

♪ ♪

Feeling stuck, he decides to...

break free.

♪ ♪

Agh!

Oh!

sh*t!

[SIGHS]

Oh, OK.

So do any of the more mainstream

letters in the alphabet

have any animosity towards you guys?

[CHUCKLES]

You could just say that the letter G

has been sliding into all of our DMs.

- [SCOFFS]

- [LAUGHS]

Hello?

Hey, O. It's me, Q.

I just want to address something here.

I don't think we'd be here

without the influence of Q.

Is this a performance piece?

What are you doing?

Personally, but their work has had

an impact on mine,

and I can safely say for us all here.

And we would have never been here,

had it not been for the boundaries

Q broke down.

To no fame, no glory...

just to the relentless,

unwavering commitment to authenticity.

Q made audiences uncomfortable

long before weird was cool.

So if you're watching this,

just know that I'm a huge fan.

Are you there?

Can you talk?

Hello?

Hey, f*ck off.

You felt that, right?

Girl, you feel all that

just by looking at a Q?

I told you. That's what I do.

Call me if you want to book him,

and I'll Vanesja right into it.

Amina.

Girl, we've been here.

Amina, girl.

Sorry.

Thanks. Bye.

[BELL RINGS]

I can't stop thinking about it.

I saw it for the first time a week ago.

It was late,

and I was one of the few

people left in school.

[SOFT MUSIC]

As I hovered over the toilet bowl,

I contemplated the carvings and drawings

the boys had made in the stall...

all drawings of penises,

typical bully stuff.

Then I saw it, in a corner of the stall,

as if hiding from its friends...

a p*nis with its head

turned away from the viewer?

What could it mean?

Was the d*ck sad?

Was it being crushed by the expectations

of masculinity?

Or was it just living its own life?

♪ ♪

I couldn't ignore this cry for help.

I had to find out who drew it.

Maybe it's one of the g*y ones?

No.

The g*y ones don't draw dicks.

They draw eyes.

Mm.

With huge, luscious lashes.

[CHUCKLES]

Hang on.

How's it going, Rick?

In the boys' bathroom,

did you draw a p*nis

with its head averting

the viewer's gaze?

Like this?

Why are you wearing a purple shirt?

Purple's a girl color.

You're not supposed to wear that.

Stop it.

I'm just letting him know

he's not supposed to wear that.

Why not?

b*tch.

All right, detention.

[SCOFFS]

[GROANING]

[BELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

A bunch of bullies.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[BELL RINGS]

Michael?

Michael, wait.

Did you draw this?

Yeah.

'Cause I'm a boy, b*tch.

Michael.

[SIGHS]

Why does this p*nis look like this?

♪ ♪

I think sometimes...

I don't know.

It's like, I'm a boy,

and there's things that I can't do.

So when I see kids doing whatever,

like wearing purple, I get so mad.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

So I kick them to remind

them of what's what.

You see me being a jerk, but I'm a jerk

just so that you'll see me.

♪ ♪

In reality, no one sees me.

♪ ♪

And Ms. Roberts, I'm...

I'm trapped.

I'm...

Ew.

Dang, Ms. Roberts!

You're married.

b*tch is so f*cking horny, man.

I'm telling you.

♪ ♪

What's this?

Huh?

What are these keys for?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Last night, the guys and I were wasted

and found those, like, stuck in a fence.

Wait, what?

They were, like, placed, like,

probably for someone to find them.

To get in somewhere?

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

They're locked out now.

The envelope says, "Gracias, mamá."

So probably some lady who you don't know

got locked out late at night.

Jesus, you're mad at me now?

No. No, I'm not mad.

I'm just, like...

I'm just confused.

Jesus, even my girlfriend

f*cking hates me.

I didn't get the promotion!

Hello?

I needed to blow off

some steam with the guys.

I had to f*cking beg them to come out

because I'm not Jared.

When Jared texts the group thread,

all their f*cking panties drop.

It's f*cking crickets with me.

So then when I finally have

some fun and do a little prank,

you're here making me f*cking feel bad.

Boop, boop.

Do you want to watch

"True Women of New York"?

Are you sure?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Wait.

Can I get one of these?

Yeah, but you gotta make

sure you get it back to me,

because they have to

go to the scientist.

You know they say the

answers to all our problems

are hidden in our dreams.

[DRAMATIC VOCALIZING]

♪ ♪

Julio?

Are you still rolling?

No, I'm not still rolling.

That's highly inappropriate, Bibo.

Well, grab your rubber ducky.

It's time for our shower.

Our what?

Sometimes I feel like

I just don't know you.

[BEEPING, WHIRRING]

[DOOR CREAKING, CLOSING]

[RECORDER CLICKS]

Um, hi.

Hi. Hello.

Um, I, uh... I've been

having this recurring dream...

How to react when someone

cries in front of you.

Uh, where, uh, I'm in a room,

uh, and I'm wearing this

tall, uh, cone-shaped hat.

Uh, the garment is silk

or maybe a cotton blend.

Doesn't... doesn't matter.

But I'm sitting in this,

uh, contraption of sorts.

Very ingenious, actually.

It... it allows me to, uh, read

without having to turn the page.

How to take a good photo where your...

Do you know how annoying it is

to try and record a dream

while you're... you're

listening to that?

Don't yell at me.

Sorry, I don't... don't...

don't mean to yell.

It's fine.

Um, so the contraption allows me to read

the entire book without

ever turning the page.

But then I can feel it

getting a little warm,

so I decide I want to open a window.

But then I get to the

window, and it leads nowhere.

♪ ♪

I go to the next window, and I open it.

The same.

And then again.

And then I go to the next

window, and the same.

I try to open the door,

and it also leads nowhere.

Then I finally see a

door across the room.

That one does lead outside.

It's snowing now,

and people are... are walking around,

all... all uniformed

in these unremarkable

black puffer coats.

It's clear that if I go

out, I would have to wear

one of them in order to stay warm.

And then I see it...

a black puffer coat with my name on it,

calling to me, saying,

"Come out and wear me."

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I go back into the room, terrified,

but now the room is closing in.

So I try... I try to leave,

but I... I can't because

of my big, beautiful hat.

The only way I would be able to leave

is by compromising somehow.

But how?

And then I wake up.

End of dream.

[RECORDER CLICKS]

[WHIRRING]

Another one of these came.

Another one of what, Bibo?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Oh, just... just put it with the rest.

Doesn't look important.

It's from your... dun,

dun, dun... landlord.

You read my mail?

With my X-ray vision.

Didn't open it, so not a crime.

It's very important.

Bibo, does this mole look bigger to you?

It kind of looks bigger to me.

I wasn't even worried about it,

but Chester just now was like,

"Oh, no, that looks really bad.

You should get it checked."

Do you think I should have it checked?

No.

I mean, I think if you're

so worried about it,

you could get it checked.

You should have seen...

you should have seen their face.

They were like, oh, my God, like,

jaw practically to the floor.

It says you have to move out.

They're turning the building

into a General Mills

Café and Residencies.

I should probably go to the doctor.

Julio, you need a new apartment.

And to get a new apartment,

you need proof of existence.

No, I can't think of the apartment,

because I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm sick.

No, Julio, don't go into your thoughts.

Come back.

Look at the real problem.

I think it's grown.

It's grown.

It's definitely grown.

Oh.

Oh, this is gonna be a whole thing.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[BRIGHT TONE]