03x09 - Camp Camp

[bunniefuu]

[BUBBLING]

One, two, three, four
Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight
Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, 11, 12
Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail
School's out, ring the bell!

La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

One, two, three, four
Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight
Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, 11, 12
Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail
School's out, ring the bell

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[HORN HONKS]

All righty, kids,
last bus to summer camp.

So, everybody get on board or, you know,
stay here and live at school.

Well, here we are, Oscar.

School's over,
I passed most of my classes,

and I'm ready
for some serious summer fun.

First thing I'm gonna do when we get there
is ride the roller coaster,

then I'm gonna go to the churro cart,
then I'm gonna watch the pig races

and then play the ring toss.

Milo, I don't think you know
what summer camp is.

Dumpy Muffins! It ain't summer camp
without Dumpy Muffins!

-Hey, Oscar!
-Oh, hey, Bea. You ready for camp?

I am so pumped for this trip!

And I'm gonna spend the whole time
with the greatest guy I know.

Wha… wow, Bea, this is amazing.

Oh, Oscar! I just knew you'd be excited
about my new boyfriend!

What? Y... you have a boyfriend?
When did that happen?

Well, if you wanna get technical,
it hasn't actually happened yet.

[GASPS] But look, we've been getting
pretty close

and I can totally tell he's gonna
make it official while we're at camp.

-Wha...
-[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

Oh, look! Here he comes!

You make me go snap, girl

Oh, it's Brandon Bubbler!

You're sweeter than sugar
Or a chocolate swirl

Snap, girl
Let's never be apart

Wait, I thought you said
he gave up being a pop star,

and wasn't he calling himself
"Brandon Feldman" now or something?

-Yeah, that didn't really stick.
-What up, um, Oscar?

Hey, Boo. So, I was thinking about you
this morning while I was eating my cereal

and I got inspired. So, check this.

I stare at my cereal to find my direction
But I see no reflection

Then everything fades, and I see you

Wow.

-What is that even supposed to mean?
-That was incredible, Brandon.

All right, shorty,
I'm gonna grab us some seats.

[YELLS] Color me stoked!
Don't worry, Oscar.

I am gonna keep you posted on everything
that Brandon and I do at camp together.

-[SIGHS]
-[BUS ENGINE REVS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Do do do, do do do
Do do do do do do do

Do do do, do do do do
Do do do do do do do

[JUMBO EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS]

JOCKTOPUS: Wow.

Hey, wait a minute.

Where's the roller coaster?
Where are all the candied apples?

You're thinking of a county fair.
This is a summer camp.

[TIMER TICKING, DINGS]

Oh... [LAUGHS]
I'm such an idiot!

[COACH SALMONS ULULATING]

-They're here!
-Let's do this!

-Ta-da!
-Coach Salmons? Are you a counselor here?

I am your head counselor,

and Mr. Mussels and I would like
to welcome you to Camp Camp!

The campiest camp that ever schlamped
the mampy pamp. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Now I want everyone here to know

that I understand how hard it is
to be a teenager,

your minds are growing,
your bodies are changing,

and it could be very scary.

But don't worry because Camp Camp
is awesome!

-ALL: Camp Camp!
-A time to grow and discover

-ALL: Camp Camp!
-Celebrate one another!

-ALL: Camp Camp!
-You get to work on yourself

-ALL: Camp Camp!
-You silly little elf!

-ALL: Camp Camp!
-We'll eat healthy food

-ALL: Camp Camp!
-And get to know the real you

-ALL: Camp Camp!
-We'll have the best of times!

-ALL: Camp Camp!
-Uh, I've run out of rhymes!

ALL: Camp Camp! Camp Camp!

ALL: Camp Camp! Camp Camp!

-Camp!
-Stop it! The song is over.

[ALL CHEER]

Bravo! Bravo! Oh!
That song was wonderful, Dickie!

-Oh, no.
-What is she doing here?

Who's the lady?

-Oh, it's so good to see you!
-[GROANS]

Students, this is Ms. Savannah Salmons.

She happens to be my very much, much,
much, much, much older sister!

"Much older"? Oh, Dickie, you're terrible!
[GRUNTS]

Hi, kids! You see, I run a camp
just on the other island.

[SING-SONG] Camp Crystal Waters!
[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Hello, hello, hello!
Hello Camp Camp!

I guess you should be getting back
to your own little island now.

Oh, yes, you're right.
Well, it was great to meet you all!

And feel free to swim by
and say "hi" anytime!

I love you, Dickie!

Oh, children,
I have a sister-related headache

I need to go deal with.

Do what you like for the rest
of the evening.

Mussels, draw my bath.

MR. MUSSELS: You want the lemon scent?
Or the lime with the musk?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Do do do, do do do...

Wow! This place is amazing,

but not as amazing as you or your face.
[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited!

I can't believe I'm really here
with Brandon Bubbler.

-It's like, whoa, am I dreaming?
-Nah, girl, I'm real.

Brandon Bubbler!
Hey, Brandon, can we get your autograph?

Uh, excuse me, Boo.
This will only take a minute.

Oh, my gosh, I'm your number one fan.

-You're so cute.
-FAN 1: I have all your albums.

FAN 2: You're the cutest boy
in the universe.

-[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
-Aight, I'll catch you ladies later.

I bet you get so tired of that.

Nah, it just means
they really appreciate me.

That's why I like you, Bea.

You're always telling me I'm awesome,
and it makes me feel good.

Well, you are awesome.

Hey, I got some new lines
I wanna throw at you.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Who's the illest girl I know

Yo, it's like I'm in a fairy tale
'Cause you so fresh, you can't be real

I cast my line 'cause you so fine
I reel you in and make you mine

They say there's a lotta fish in the sea

But you can't spell "Brandon"
Without a Bea

[SCOFFS] 'Cause then it would be,
like, "Randon." And that's weird.

-[WOLF HOWLING]
-[SIGHS]

This is the best day,
this is the best camp

and you are the best tree.
[HUMMING]

-[GASPS] Oh, Oscar!
-Oh, hey, Bea.

I was just walking around trying to find
an outhouse,

because I have to use the bathroom.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this.

Well, you are just the guy
I wanna talk to right now.

Tonight, Brandon and I
watched the sunset together,

and then he wrote this poem,
and it was just incredible.

Oh, great, so, now he's your boyfriend?

Well... [CHUCKLES]
no, we're still in this sort of,

like, in betweenie relationship limbo.

Hey, where are you going?
I wanna keep talking about Brandon.

[SIGHS] I don't understand why you have
to tell me

every little detail of your relationship.

I mean, have you thought
maybe I don't wanna hear this stuff?

-What? Why?
-Because...

I have to go to the bathroom, like I said.

Oh.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

[INHALES, GRUNTS]

Good morning!

Wake up, my little dears!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What's going on? What's happening?
Where am I? What year is this?

O-M-G, Clamantha, it is too early for you!

It's wonderful to see you looking
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!

Now I know, I know.
We all had a rough night

because we were crying
and upset about some things.

Crying? Who was crying?
I wasn't crying.

[GASPS] But today's a brand-new day.
Now who is ready for some summer camp fun?

ALL: Yeah!

Hiking is just like life.
You gotta take it one step at a time

-for many, many, many, many...
-[ALL PANT]

-...many, many, many, many miles.
-[BOTH PANT]

COACH SALMONS:
Onward h*!

The way we achieve personal growth
is by facing our fears!

-But I'm not sure I... [SCREAMING]
-Alley-oop!

Ooh, ground! Ground! [WHIMPERS]

Congratulations, Oscar!

-Milo, you're next.
-[MILO SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Coach Salmons! It didn't work!

It's okay, Milo,
I believe you can do this!

[GRUNTING] Yep, I'm still stuck.

-Milo! Get out of the way!
-[MILO GROANS]

-Agu!
-[ALL GRUNT]

Finberley! Why did you do that?

-Oh, I am so sorry!
-Coach Salmons! Help!

-What is wrong with you, Finberley?
-Help!

-Sorry.
-Oh, oh, calm down, everyone.

Let's just use this opportunity
to, uh, do some bonding.

Think of something you like about
the person next to you and tell them!

Milo, get that thing out of my face!

Shellsea, I think you're very strong
and independent, and kind of my hero.

-Finberley! Stop it!
-[KOI SCREAMING]

[THUDS]

[ALL PANT]

Coach, how many more hikes
are we gonna go on?

Seriously, dude, I don't want
to walk anymore!

Well, Milo, you don't have to
because we've made it to the end!

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-Wait, wait. What is that sound?

That horrible voice! Oh.

Oh, I'm so proud of you all!
You can do anything you put your minds to!

ALL: Savannah! Savannah!

I changed my mind!
We are climbing a mountain, now!

-[EAGLE SCREECHES]
-[ALL GROAN]

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
You can do it!

-[ALL GRUMBLE]
-COACH SALMONS: You can do it!

[SIGHS] Today has been
so personally fulfilling, my darlings.

-Wouldn't you agree?
-[ALL SIGH]

Who's ready to do push-ups
while I start singing a fun song?

Hey, you.

You wanna sneak out of here, and, like,
hold hands in the woods or something?

Oh, no doubt, shorty, that sounds awesome.

No, Brandon, you can't go yet.

You promised you'd tell us
about your tour through fish Europe.

Yeah, is it true that French fish
don't shave their pits?

Oh, oh, right.
My bad. I did promise them.

Uh, okay, well, I mean, I get it.

A promise is a promise, right?
We'll just, uh, catch up later. [CHUCKLES]

COACH SALMONS:
Don't loko, lika, like her, like her

Lika, likey, looker, loko
Lika, like her, lika, my sister

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah

Ah!

Well, campers, tick-tock, tick-tock,
it's time to turn in for the night.

-I'll see you in the morning.
-No, Coach, I don't think you will.

-Guys, this is no way to spend a summer.
-Jeez, tell me about it.

-Yeah, this place is no fun at all.
-Exactically!

And that's why I say, we should all run
away from Camp Camp.

[STAMMERS] Where would we go?

We could go to that other island,
Camp Shiny Sparkles!

-Camp Crystal Waters?
-Yeah, yeah, that place looks cool, too.

Hmm, you know, it's not a bad idea.

Yeah, Coach Salmon's sister
does seem very nice.

And that camp isn't this camp,
so it's got that going for it.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, I say
we go round up everyone

and make a break for it tonight.

-Who's with me?
-Let's do it!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Bea! We're all getting out of here
and going to the other camp!

-Are you in?
-Yeah, totally.

Oh, I have an idea. I'll go find Brandon,
so we can run away together!

That sounds super romantic,
don't you think?

Aw, yeah, get it, girl!
Meet us over by the docks!

Okay, see you soon!

[PANTING] All right, guys,
as soon as Bea gets here,

we are leaving this bad time for good!

-Yes!
-All right!

Hello, students! My, aren't we out late,
with our bags packed and our boats ready.

Ah, yeah, you see, Coach...

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] ...we were just
going to, uh, grab a carton of milk

and maybe some donuts?

You're moving to Camp Crystal Waters,
aren't you?

Uh, maybe.

[SOBS] What am I doing with my life?

-Coach, please come back!
-COACH SALMONS: Baby Jane!

Oh, children, you have no idea
what you have done.

Just because we're leaving?

No, because you are leaving him
for Savannah.

Here's the story.

FEMALE NARRATOR:
Ever since Coach was a baby,

his sister, Savannah,
has been better than him at everything.

No matter what it was
or how hard he tried,

Savannah would always find a way
to overshadow him.

And this made Coach very sad.

Finally, after some soul-searching,

Coach found his calling
as a summer camp counselor!

All of the children loved him!
They had fun all the time!

Everything was great!

Until one day...

[SHIP HORN BLARES]

That no good Savannah moved in
her own island next to Coach's

and opened up Camp Crystal Waters.

The final blow came in 1986,

when the Committee
of Summer Camp Fun arrived

to judge which camp was the best.

Savannah was awarded number one camp
in the universe.

Thus, beating her little brother

at the thing that mattered to him most
in the world.

Coach's summers have never been
the same since.

[SNIFFLES] I... I... I...
I have lost count of the tears

I have wiped from that man's cheeks!

You see, children,
that's why he pushes y'all so darn hard!

He wants you to do better,

so, you don't ever have to feel
second best like he does.

I guess it just means
ol' Coach loses to her again.

Hey, Brandon, wake up.

Huh, where is he?

[GASPS] Maybe he's back at the docks
with everyone else.

BRANDON: [CHUCKLES]
Oh, no doubt, shorty.

-That sound's awesome.
-Huh?

BRANDON: I walk through the forest
And what do I see

The flyest girl I know
Times one hundred and three

Cool as an ice cube
Hotter than a chili bowl

There ain't nothing more perfect
Than Brandon plus Nicole

-Ah.
-Oh, wow, Brandon! That was amazing!

-Man, I feel like a sack of garbage.
-Poor Coach Salmons.

Being runner up your whole life
must be a horrible feeling.

-It is.
-I remember feeling that way once.

Last year, I placed fourth
in a beauty pageant,

but I was the only one competing!

Man, there's gotta be something we can do
to help him!

-We can try hugging him!
-Well, we're really good huggers.

Or maybe we can help Coach beat Savannah.

[GASPS] Guys, Savannah's camp
is super awesome, which makes Coach sad.

Well, I say we do go over
to Camp Crystal Waters

and make it lame!
So, that way Coach Salmons will be happy!

-Yeah!
-The lamer the better.

Let's do this.

Oh, what?

Bea? What are you doing up here?

-Nothing.
-Okay.

So, today was pretty brutal, huh?

Why am I stupid?

I really thought Brandon Bubbler liked me,
but it wasn't me.

I think he just liked the attention.

I always thought I could get anything
in the world

if I just believed in it
and really wanted it hard enough.

-That's pretty dumb, right?
-Well, yeah.

If it makes you feel any better,
I do stupid stuff all the time.

In fact, Milo used to write it all down
on a list,

at least until he hit his head on the sink
and now he doesn't write anything anymore.

I think what I'm trying to say is,
everyone is stupid.

So, you know, you're not alone.

[CHUCKLES] Thanks.

Um, hey, if you're bored,

I guess everyone's gonna go
to that other camp to trash it now,

you know, to make us feel better
about ourselves.

I would like that.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

-Milo, we found something!
-[GRUNTS]

[EXCLAIMS]

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-MILO: Coach Salmons! Coach Salmons!

-Wake up, Coach Salmons!
-[GASPS]

Children? I thought you had left!

Coach Salmons, on behalf
of some judges somewhere,

we would like to present you
with this honorary award!

"Number one camp in the universe"?
Why, this is my sister's trophy.

Yep, but she doesn't have
the best camp anymore.

[SCOFFS] See for yourself!

[GASPS] Camp Butt? Oh, my children,
what have you done?

[CHUCKLES] We helped you finally
beat Savannah!

On account that she's been walloping you
since you was a baby.

How do you even know all this?
Who's been telling you my life story?

Coach, once we found out losing
to your sister made you feel so bad,

we wanted to fix it.

Look, we just want our fun,
weird Coach Salmons back.

And if that means standing up
to your mean old perfect sister

-then, that's what we'll do!
-Dickie?

[SCREAMS] Savannah's come for revenge!
Oh, no!

Dickie, is it true?
Is... is that how you feel about me?

Well, Savannah, you have made an effort
to beat me

at every single thing I've ever done.

But I never thought we were competing!
I thought we were just hanging out.

-So, you're not trying to destroy me?
-No, of course not.

I just wanna spend time with you, Dickie.

You're always so positive and...
and upbeat! It makes me happy.

Heck, why do you think I moved my camp
right beside yours?

-So, we can spend every summer together.
-Well, I've never thought of that.

Oh, Savannah, I've been so foolish!

All thanks to my jealousy
over things like silly trophies!

I know what we should do with this.
[GRUNTS]

Savannah, you are the best sister
in the whole universe!

ALL: Aw!

[SOBS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Pull! Pull! Pull!
-[ALL BREATHE HEAVILY]

They have the best chili cheeseburgers.
We totally have to go there sometime.

Hey, shorty,
I've been looking for you everywhere.

I got this new rhyme about my feelings
I should throw at you.

-Go for a walk or something?
-Oh, no thanks. I'm good.

Oh, okay, well, are you sure?
'Cause this rhyme is pretty awesome.

Yeah. I'm positive. [CHUCKLES]
I'll see you later, Brandon.

Whoa, girl, what is up with that?

I thought you were crazy
about the Bubbler?

Yeah, I was, but not so much anymore.

I think maybe I've been going
after the wrong kind of guy.

Oh, students! Thanks to you,

this has been the best summer
of my entire [SING-SONGY] life!

-I second that emotion! [LAUGHS]
-Oh, Savannah! [LAUGHS]

SAVANNAH:
[LAUGHING] Oh, my.

And now to show our gratitude,

my sister and I would like
to present to you

our brand-new camp song!

-Brother, brother, brother
-Sister, sister, brother, brother!

-Brother, sister, sister, brother, brother
-Brother, brother!

-We love each other!
-We love each other! [HOOTS]

Just stop! Make it stop for Jocktopus!

I just hate the way I look.
My stupid ears are too big.

Hey, at least you have ears.

-And I'm too short.
-Well, I'm too tall.

-And look at my scrawny legs.
-At least you have legs!

You think you've got it rough?

I'd bet you'd see things different
if we traded places for just one day.

Yeah, if we could only trade places.

-Hmm, all right then.
-Yeah, let's do this!

-That was pointless.
-I wanna go home.