03x06 - Hare and Back Again/Milo's Pony

[bunniefuu]

[BUBBLING]

[SONG BEGINS] One, two, three, four
Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight
Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, 11, 12
Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

One, two, three, four
Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight
Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, 11, 12
Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell

[MUSIC PLAYING]

OSCAR: Once upon a time,

there was a realm of magic filled
with the laughter

-of leprechauns.
-[LEPRECHAUNS LAUGHING]

OSCAR: And everyone knows that
when leprechauns laugh they don't get gas,

-they get rainbows.
-LEPRECHAUN: Whee!

OSCAR: And at the end of each rainbow
is a pot of gold.

-[STORM RUMBLING]
-OSCAR: But then, one day,

a great darkness came out of the North.

The darkness was caused

-by the evil Lord Clamongous...
-[CLAMONGOUS GROWLS]

OSCAR: ...who, one by one,

captured the leprechauns
and imprisoned them in his lair.

[LOCK RATTLES]

OSCAR: Without the leprechauns,
there was no gold,

and the land was plunged
into a state of anarchy.

[YELPING]

No one could find the leprechauns

but two brave heroes were chosen
to fight the evil

and restore peace to the tanks.

Guys! Guys! I just heard Koi
accidentally sat on Finberley.

Those two, hilarious.
Hey, what're you guys doing?

We're playing Mazes and Magic.

It's a fantasy game
where you get to do quests and stuff.

I make up the story
and play all the monsters.

And Albert and I are the heroes.
I have a mighty warrior battle cry!

[SHOUTS, COUGHS]

And I can sh**t wizard missiles
from my fins.

Pew pew! Pew pew!
They're invisible.

-Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... Can I play?
-You need to make a character.

Hmm... Oh! I wanna be a bunny!

Uh. That's kind of an unorthodox choice.

Well, I'm kind of an unorthodox dude.

Milo, I love bunnies more than anyone.
I mean, look at my underwear.

[SINGING IN JAPANESE]
Watashi ga bunny usagi desu yo

Bunnies are super cute and cuddly

and make your heart fill with happiness.
They don't belong on the b*ttlefield.

That is discrimination!

This is a fantasy game
and my fantasy is to be a bunny!

Guys, there's nothing in the rule book
that says he can't be a bunny.

[SIGHS] Okay.

If we don't get to finish our quest
because of you,

I'll... I'll probably
just get really, really mad.

Guys, I promise I will not let you down!

OSCAR: A long time ago, when fish were men
and men were dragons,

there was a dark and snowy hole.

Oh, wow! These Catacombs are huge!

[ECHOING] Huge... huge...

[CHUCKLES] There's an echo. Echo!

[ECHOING] Echo...

I wonder if you burp, does it echo too?

-[BURPS]
-[BURP ECHOING]

-[WHOOPING]
-[LAUGHING]

-ALBERT: Awesome!
-JUMBO SHRIMP: Best burp echo ever!

Thank you, thank you very much.
And now, I shall burp the alphabet!

[BURPS] A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I,
J, K, L, M, N,

O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

[BURPS]

Hmm, I'm surprised
that we didn't hear any...

-[CLAMONGOUS ROARING]
-[ALL SCREAM]

Roar! Roar! It is I, Lord Clamongous!

Who dares enter my lair?

He said, "Enter my lair." [CHUCKLES]

All right, back me up, dudes.
I gots this!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-What do you mean, back you up?

Yeah, you know, you guys just stand back
there looking all tough as my posse,

and I'll go up in his face and be like,
"You don't know me!

"You think you know me, but h*-h*-h*-h*,
but you don't know me!"

Milo, that's not how you play.

It doesn't matter what you do,
for as everyone knows,

the only thing that can defeat me
is the Singing Sword of Flame!

I have snake heads for feet!

The roof is caving in!

Maybe we need somebody to raise the roof!
Woot! Woot! Woot!

We must flee!

Well, at least we know now
what we must do.

I hope it's lunch. I'm hungry.

Nay!
We must find the Singing Sword of Flame.

Though I know not how.

Uh, here, let me try.

Oh, mighty plant. Speak to me,

for I have the power
of the ancient druids.

[GROANS]
It feels good to be a talking plant.

Now, how can I help you, mighty heroes?

Please, good sir,

we would like to know the location
of the Singing Sword of Flame.

Well, the willows say that the sword

is still in the possession
of its previous owner, the Zombie King.

But beware,

-for you are all in terrible danger...
-[MILO CHOMPING]

What? I told you I was hungry.

Well, that's all right. None of us really
wanted to survive anyway.

Come on, let's go find that Zombie King.

OSCAR:
And they traveled across many lands.

And they traveled, and they traveled,
and they traveled some more.

And, finally they arrived
at the Zombie King's hut.

ALBERT: This looks like the place.

-I'll go knock.
-Bunnies don't knock!

Bunnies knock if they want to knock.

Why not let someone like me handle it?

MILO: "Someone like you"?
You mean a discriminator?

JUMBO SHRIMP:
Stop saying I'm a discriminator!

MILO: You got a lot of bunny hate,
that's all I'm saying.

Ah, adventurers, cool.

You guys are playing Mazes and Magic?

Me and the dudes
played this back in the day.

They called me the Zombie King.

It's more of an honorary title, I think,
because I fell asleep a lot.

Hey, is it cool if I join in?

I always keep a spare set of dice
tucked under my tie.

Milo, what are you supposed to be?

-I, good sir, am a bunny.
-You can't be a bunny, Milo.

You too, Mr. Baldwin? You too?

Look, I'm not trying to be all judgy,
okay?

It's just, I've seen firsthand the horrors
of pretend battle.

One day we were all on our way
to fight Mag Magorawitz the Itchy.

He's like a level-88 boss, mind you.

Okay, is everyone ready for this fight?
Dwight D. Eisenhower?

You have my muscles!

-Grover Cleveland?
-You have my tongue.

-Franklin Delano Roosevelt?
-You have my quack.

You a baby duck?
You can't be a baby duck.

I'll be a baby duck
if I wanna be a baby duck.

Guys, can we please
just go fight the boss?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
if you don't wanna play the game right,

you should go back
and hang out with Betsy Ross!

Well, at least Betsy Ross
doesn't judge me!

Does anyone want more pizza bits?
They're hot!

Thank you, but no.
I'm off to prove that baby ducks

are a viable choice for fighting
against monsters!

Oh, no! He's gonna fight
Mag Magorawitz all by himself!

Quack, quack, quack, quack!
Quack, quack, quack, quack!

Quack, quack, quack, quack...

MR. BALDWIN: And though we mourned
the loss of our friend,

we couldn't help but feel
if he had just picked a better character,

he might still be playing today.

That story was dumb,
and I do not see the point of it.

I think you have to accept the reality
of this fantasy.

Either you make a new character,
or we leave you out of this adventure.

You'd kick me out?

Who's gonna save the leprechauns?
Who's gonna bring back the rainbows?

The real heroes, that's who.

-Oscar, tell 'em they can't do this.
-I'm checking the rule book.

Let's see.
"How to deal with a cranky ogre," no.

"How to train your kraken," no.

"What to do if someone smelt it
but not dealt it," no.

I'm sorry, Milo, nothing of help.

Just change your character
and you can keep playing with us.

No! Gosh darn it, I am a bunny!
And a good one.

And if y'all can't accept that, then
I shall take my bunny business elsewhere.

I'm gonna eat a carrot. I succeed.

[CHOMPS]

[SWALLOWS, BURPS]

So, anyway, after the bunny left,
the adventure continued.

-Okay, now, where were we?
-[MUNCHES]

Ah, I suppose I ought to give you boys
a quest to retrieve that sword of yours.

How about this, why don't you two
go and wash my car,

and I'll grab the sword for you?

But, kind sir,
this is the age of sword and sorcery.

Cars have not yet been invented!

No, no, I mean like, in the real world.
I want you to wash my car.

It's out in the teacher's lot.

Seriously. You want the sword or not?

[SINGING] Car wash!

All righty,
here's your Singing Sword of Flame.

Don't cut yourself or burn yourself, now.

JUMBO SHRIMP:
The Singing Sword of Flame!

CLAMANTHA: [SINGING] I was really bored
Now I'm a singing sword

But if Oscar comes and kisses me
I'll turn into a princess

Who is also a clam

So, yeah, okay,
actually it's a Silent Sword of Flames,

and it doesn't talk.

So, yeah, I'm sorry about that.
It's not a singing sword. It's silent.

Well, that's still pretty cool.

OSCAR:
And so, Silent Sword in hand,

the adventurers traveled
to the Fortress of Shadow,

where they knocked
on the Door of Shadow.

And they waited. And they waited.
And they waited!

And then finally, they heard the sound
of something terrible

creeping, slithering towards the door.

-The handle began to turn.
-[RATTLING]

-And then...
-Yap, yap, yap. Talk, talk, talk.

This is a library, not a chat room.

You need to take your noisy game
and leave now.

But we just got to the final battle!

I'm uncomfortable with the subject matter
of this game.

Swords and monsters and magic?
It's disgusting!

I mean, kids these days.
Why can't you do something wholesome?

Bunnies are wholesome!

Oh, yeah!

Bunnies are a wonderful gift
at an angel's birthday party.

I even have bunny underpants. Look!

[SINGING IN JAPANESE]
Watashi ga bunny usagi desu yo

And what if I told you
that a bunny was the hero of this game?

A bunny?

Oh, then I would have to insist that
you young men keep playing in my library.

Looks like a bunny
saved the day after all.

Three cheers for Milo!

Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Wait a second, that was four.

Milo, I just want to apologize.

Do you think
you could join back up with us?

We could really use a bunny.

I'd be happy to join, big guy.

Oh gosh, bunnies are so soft.

All right, guys, are you ready to defeat
evil and save the leprechauns?

Yeah!

-Help us!
-Help us!

Roar! I'm gonna destroy you all! Roar!

You can take our freedom,
you can take our lives,

but you can never take our leprechauns!

All right, come at me, bro!

And you all got squished.
Total party wipe.

I did not see that coming.

Well, we got squished,
but at least we got squished together.

You know,
I'm kind of tired of playing a warrior.

I think I might switch
to a bunny next session.

-Me too.
-Thanks for the fun, guys,

but if I wanted to get squashed
by a monster,

I'd just go home to my mother-in-law.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Happy Birthday, Finberley!

I got you sparkly fin polish,
sparkly hair spray,

and an equally sparkly facial brush.

[GRUNTS, CHUCKLES]

I got you something at the dollar store.
It cost a dollar.

Hey, Finberley-berley-berley!
I got you a super-powerful mustard g*n!

-Ha-cha!
-[SCREAMS, COUGHS]

Oh, thanks.

Oh, girls love mustard g*ns.
I'm being sarcastic.

Actually, I heard what Finberley
really, really wants is...

Hello, one pony-fish delivered
to Finberley.

[SNORTS SOFTLY]

That is my dream birthday gift!

My great, great granny's aunt's niece
must've sent one from her pony farm!

You're so adorable, my first pony.

I'll call you Lady Glitter Lemon Drop.

ALL: Aww.

Oh, Lady Glitter Lemon Drop.
Come to Mommy. Gotcha!

-[WHINNIES]
-[FINBERLEY SCREAMS]

What's wrong with my pony?
She acts like a wild horse!

[NEIGHING]

My succulent collection!
Someone get rid of that crazy pony horse!

-[PONY SCREAMS]
-Sorry, I don't have any horseradish.

All I've got is a little mustard g*n
for you. Ha-cha!

-[NEIGHS]
-Easy, easy, my little pony lady!

-[SNORTS, PANTS]
-[PANTS]

That's right, easy.

[CHUCKLES] That's my ticklish spot!
I liked how you wrestle with me.

That was pow-wow!

You know, you're pretty cool
for a glittery pony.

-[SOFT NEIGH]
-So, what do you say, lady?

BFF?
Best Fish Friends?

[WHINNIES]

You are just so dang cute!

It's not cute!
It's a menace to society.

Get out! Get out of my house!
Get out! Get out!

A friend...

Good job on taming that pony, bro.

It was great, Milo.

No biggie. Hey, what's up
with the sunglasses, Jumbo?

Oh, all that glitter hurts my eyes.

Yeah, and all that curly hair
and those curly eyelashes.

[GROANS]

JUMBO SHRIMP:
Ponies are a girly thing.

If there are any boys who like ponies,
we should call them "pony princes."

-[BOYS LAUGHING]
-[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

Yeah.

So, who wants to do man stuff
at my man-place?

-Oh, oh! Me!
-Yeah, let's go wild!

I didn't know ponies were so rude.
And so violent.

BOYS: [CHEERING] Man stuff!

Wait, where are you guys going?
Hey, my party isn't over yet!

This is the worst birthday ever!

Man stuff! Man stuff!

Manly! We're gonna be manly!

Yeah, yeah, man stuff. Lady!

OSCAR: Milo! Come on!

Yeah! I'm just...
I'm just, getting some beef jerky

for the man-snacking later.

OSCAR: Okay! I'll meet you at home!

Oh, Lady! Lady!

I didn't know I would ever get
to see your cute face again.

Listen, this street is way too dangerous
for a glittering lady like you.

Milo will take care of you
with my two tiny fish fins.

Let's go! Lady? Move!

[GROANS]

Huh? Oh, okay.

-[WHINNIES]
-Yee-haw! [LAUGHS]

[SONG BEGINS ] Pony

-Pony
-[MILO GIGGLES]

Po-po-po-po-po, pony

Pony

[SONG ENDS]

MILO: I never knew having a cute pony
would be so much fun.

Did you have fun, my lady?

[WHINNIES]

Oh, you're hilarious!

Now, you stay here while I go to school
and fill my head with knowledge.

[WHINNIES]

Lady, you can't come to school with me.

My friends, they'll call me "pony prince."

Look, look, I'll be back as soon
as classes are over.

OSCAR: All right,
let's check the checklist for card night!

I got the cards, check.

-Jumbo, you bring the chips.
-Check!

Okay, then Albert,
you bring the manly tunes.

-Check.
-And, Milo, you just bring yourself.

-You are coming tonight, right?
-Uh, yeah, sure.

You know, I wouldn't miss card night
because, you know, that's what dudes do,

is play cards and not with ponies,
so, yeah. Card night, yeah! Yeah.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY, SIGHS]

Look, I wish I could take you,
Lady Glitter Lemon Drop,

but card night can get pretty wild.

You know, boys, games, fighting.

Look, it's not for, you know,
pretty ladies like you. [NERVOUS GIGGLE]

I'll be back after one game, okay?

[NEIGHS SADLY]

-Jumbo, stop eating chips!
-I brought them!

You'll finish them
before we even start the manly music.

-JUMBO SHRIMP: I finished them!
-[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

What... What? Albert!
That's not dude night music.

Shh. This is for Milo. It will set
the mood for his big confession.

-Huh?
-[CLEARS THROAT]

So, I have developed this theory.

Since Finberley's birthday party,
Milo has been acting pretty weird.

He skipped out
on all his usual manly hobbies

-and started smelling nice.
-Huh?

Yeah! I saw him the other day
buying bundles of hay,

and I was like,
"Why is he buying bundles of hay?

"He's never eaten hay before!"

What does it mean?

I picked up a lot of glitter
and blonde hairs on his desk.

All evidence points to the fact
that Milo has a girlfriend.

[SHRIEKS]

Wait, wait, what?

So, you guys think I have a girlfriend?

[LAUGHING]

Tell me the story.

The story...

The first story is,
it ain't no girlfriend.

-ALL: What?
-It's multiple girlfriends.

-As in more than one.
-ALL: What?

Oh, I only have one.
How did you do that?

Ah, no biggie, you know, just show this
a little and show this a lot.

You do some push-ups.
They all come around when you sweat.

Hey, guys, look!
There's an animal outside!

[SCREAMS]

Looks like Finberley's ex-pony.

-Confirmed, that's the pony all right.
-What is she doing here?

Dudes! Guys! Men! Hey!
You all wanna do something crazy?

Come on, card shower everywhere!
Woo! Cards everywhere!

She looks lost.

Confirmed, the pony is lost.

Hey, hey, guys!
Enough of the pony talk.

It's time to start a wild game night!

-We should call in to...
-No!

Done! I called animal control.

[SIREN BLARES]

[WHINNIES]

[NEIGHS]

Boys, is anyone responsible for this pony?

-No, she's girly!
-No, sir.

-Nope. My eyes hurt when I see glitter.
-Blue hair with puppy eyes in the back,

do you know that pony?
You look like you know that pony.

He's the man of men.

He wouldn't know a girly pony like that.
Right, Milo?

[STUTTERS] I... um...

Ponies are for girls.

I don't know that pony.

All right, then.
Guess this pony's going to the pound.

Does anybody know what will happen to her?

I hear that place
is really cold and lonely. [GASPS]

And they don't serve ice cream.
[SHIVERS]

ALBERT: If I were the owner of that pony,
I wouldn't let this thing happen to her.

Too bad we're too manly to have ponies,
I guess.

-Wanna play poker?
-[WHOOPING]

Lady!

[NEIGHS]

-Oh, Milo, that your new poker face?
-Yeah!

It's brilliant!
I can't tell what you're thinking at all!

I have to confess to you guys!

I love that pony! I love it so much!

Oh, I love it, I love it!
Oh, I let her go!

I'm a horrible fish!
Oh, I love her!

I love her hair, I love her glitter,
I love her eyelashes,

I love everything about her!

-ALL: What?
-[BELCHES] Sorry, I ate too many chips.

It's okay, Milo.
We all have our soft sides.

Then why don't we ever talk about them?

Because I was afraid you'd make fun of me
for still using my baby-time pacifier.

It comforts me.

And I was afraid
that you guys would find out

that even though I hate chick flicks,

at the same time, I love them.

I hate you,
Four Sassy Girls in the Big City!

Oh, I can't wait to see season seven.

And I can't stop collecting
sparkly stickers. So, sue me!

[LAUGHING]

So, are we all cool
with our soft sides now?

Okay, then, Giant Baby, Chick Flick,
and Sticker Star,

it's time to rescue my pony!

-ALL: High five!
-Jellyfish.

[MARTIAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[RADAR SOUNDING]

See you tomorrow!

Giant Baby, is the coast clear?

Confirmed, it is clear.

Chick Flick,
are you ready with the distractions?

Give me 20 seconds, Pony Prince. Over.

[TIMER BEEPING]

What the... Is today Independence Day?

Listen, mister tough guy!
We don't wanna hurt anyone.

If you just let me take my pony back,
we will leave in peace.

I love that pony,
and I'm not ashamed about it anymore!

It's cool, just stop crying
and sign this release form

so I can get the mustard out of my eyes.

Oh, that's all we gotta do to get her out,
is sign a form?

Oh, I thought we were gonna have to...
Okay, okay, okay, that's easy.

[SINGING] Pony

Lady, please forgive me that
I was embarrassed about our friendship.

As an apology, I will let the whole world
know that, me, Milo,

awesome dude,
loves this little pony with all his heart.

[WHINNIES]

Oh, you're so darn cute!

Milo, Lady, come ride with us!

[NEIGHING]

Hot dog!

Oh, I guess ponies aren't
so bad after all...

[NEIGHS]

SNAKE: Hey, Mouse. What in the world
are you doing over there?

Check it out!
It's my new hobby: balloon animals!

Ooh, can you make any others?

Ooh, an eagle! Bunny rabbit!

Oh, gee, they're so realistic.
Cute little monkey!

Here's one I know you'll like.

Hey, handsome,
where have you been all my life?

[KISSING]

-Snake, that's not...
-SNAKE: Not now!

-Can't you see I wanna be alone?
-[BALLOON POPS, DEFLATES]

He may have been good looking,
but he's a terrible kisser.