03x01 - Milo vs. Milo/Everything but the Chicken Sink

[bunniefuu]

[BUBBLING]

[SONG BEGINS]
One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, 11, 12

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, 11, 12

Got a secret I can’t tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS REPEATEDLY]

You guys are not gonna believe
what we are watching on TV tonight!

Um, I thought we were gonna watch
the Beached Whales of Orange County.

Yeah, we have to find out
if Trixie-Lou's singing career takes off.

-Beached forever.
-Yes, I am very curious.

-So curious.
-I just like feeling included.

Not tonight, amigos!
I just heard about a new TV show

and it's gonna be bigger
than all the beached whales

in Orange County put together!

-A new show?
-Better than Beached Whales?

-New show?
-Not possible!

I like feeling included.

Prepare to feast your eyes
on awesome until they explode.

Ew.

Shabam!

SINGER: It's Milo, The Milo Show
It's Milo, The Milo Show

ANNOUNCER: The Milo Show is filmed
before a live studio audience...

-of hamsters.
-The Milo Show?

I know, right? It's about time
somebody put my life story on the air.

Just because the show has your name
in the title doesn't mean it's about you.

Sorry, Bea. I'm having a hard time
hearing the show over all your jealousy!

[LAUGHS]

Now, shush! It's starting.

Hey, hey, hey! Big daddy's in the house!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS
AND APPLAUDS]

Literally! I live here!

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

-How was work today, Harl?
-Amazing, Willamina!

I got fired!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I was having a contest with Earl
to see...

Looks like your standard Hamster sitcom.

Shut up! I wanna see
who they got to play me!

But Mr. McGroucherson said
I could have my old job back

if I really knock him for a loop.

So, I invited him over to our house
for dinner tonight!

Mom's cooking ought
to knock his intestines for a loop.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Well, then it's a good thing
I went to the store

-and bought a fancy hamster cake!
-Genius, honey!

If the whole family pulls together,
this dinner will go off without a hitch!

Milo! Get down here! Family meeting!

[GASPS]
This is it! This is it!

Coming, Father Dear.

-[TINKLING]
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hey! That's not me!
Milo doesn't dress like that.

Derpa-derp!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-[MILO GRUNTING]
-[CRASHING SOUNDS]

[GROANS] Buddy, how you been?

Whoa, whoa...

Milo! The cake!

[MILO SCREAMS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

-Guess I Milo'd that up again.
-[SAD TROMBONE MUSIC PLAYS]

Looks like I was wrong
about The Milo Show!

Yeah! That Milo guy is a total klutz!

-[SHOUTS] No!
-But...

-[SHOUTS] No!
-Milo?

-It looks like I Milo'd that up again.
-[YELLING] That is not Milo!

There are a lot of other Milos
in the world!

Well, maybe that's true
and maybe it's not.

But I worked my whole life
to make Milo awesome.

And if this guy thinks he can

-just drag my name through the mud...
-La-la-la-la-la...

...he's got another thing coming.

-Down in front!
-I've been besmirched, slandered, dissed!

[CLICKS]

I never thought the day would come
when I'd have to use this again.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

Milo, we're not saying you're clumsy.
We're just saying you're...

[RUMBLING]

-What's going on?
-I think it's an earthquake!

[MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING]

Wrong, sister. It's a Milo-quake!

ALL: Ooh!

-What the...
-And it's here to shake up your opinions

about who Milo really is!

Oh, Milo did not just...

ALL: Oh, yes, he did.

You're seeing it. He did it. It's real.

The real Milo isn't a big, clumsy dingus,
who wrecks stuff because he's clumsy!

The real Milo is a big,
amazing wonder-dude who breaks stuff

because he's awesome!

ALL: Oh.

-Who is this guy?
-I don't know.

Scoochie, scoochie, scoochie, okay?

[GRUNTS, GROWLS]

Mr. Producer Guy,
you've got to stop the cameras!

This guy's ruining everything!

You don't understand, Milo!
This is live TV!

In other words, we can't stop!

You've got to get back up on that stage
and keep the show going.

This Milo doesn't fall on cakes.
I eat 'em!

That's exactly what I would've done!

Uh-oh!

It looks like Mr. McGroucherson
is coming up the driveway already.

-[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
-Uh... uh...

Ding-dong?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Creak! Oh, please come right in,
Mr. McGroucherson.

[LAUGHS ENTHUSIASTICALLY]

Good of you
to have me over for dinner, Harl.

Let's just hope you're better
at hosting dinners

than you are at shredding tissue paper.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT NERVOUSLY]

And you must be young Milo.

[IMITATES BUZZER]
Wrong! Real deal's right here, slim.

ALL: Ooh!

Well, Milo, I can't wait to hear
all about your life.

I mean, lives, since there are
two of you now, for some reason.

There can be only one Milo!

I will never agree with a dirty impostor
like you. But I agree!

There's only one fair way to settle this.
A battle to the death!

AUDIENCE: [GROANS] Ooh!

All right! This show is hardcore!

Hey! Ratings just jumped up a point.
Quick, Lois! Send us to commercial.

Okay, g*ng, here's the dealio.
As long as ratings stay up,

-this guy's staying in the cast.
-Hot dog!

Not fair.

It's totally fair
and totally gonna make me a lot of money.

-CREW MEMBER: Five seconds to airtime!
-Okay, we're back from commercial!

Okay now, everybody, I can't stress enough
how important this dinner is.

We gotta make a good impression
on old Groucherson out there,

so I can get my job back.

No problem, Dad, cool Milo's specialty
is making a good impression.

-[TINKLING]
-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

The only impression you'll make
is from your big butt.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Oh, he got him. Snap!

We'll see about that.

ALL: Ooh!

Well, before we eat, I'd like to thank
my beautiful wife for this food.

She really knows how to order take-out,
am I right, am I right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Oh, you.

So, Mr. Grouchy Pants,
what do you like to do for fun?

You don't have to answer that question,
Mr. McGroucherson.

-Well, I...
-No, no, no.

You are not the boss
of Mr. Grumpy Face.

-Mr. Grumpy is his own boss.
-Technically, he's my boss!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And as one boss dude to another,

I think I know what you really need
at this dinner.

You need to kick it up, Milo style.

DJ, kick it!

[SONG BEGINS]
The real Milo's on your back like a tattoo

You don't like, I'ma kick it
With my kung-fu

I'm on Milo all the time...

-[APPLAUSE]
-The audience loves it! This is great!

Hot dog! The name Milo
is gonna stand for awesomeness again!

-[SONG STOPS]
-Milo dear,

may I have a word in the closet?

Ooh, okay! I love going in closets.
Do they have nachos in the closet?

'Cause that's what this party needs
right now.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Hey! There ain't no nachos in here.

What's going on?
What's happening to Milo?

All right, Milo, we're going off script.

I'm not gonna let you steal my show
from me.

So, I'm gonna make sure
whenever people think of the name Milo,

they think of my face!

[LAUGHS, BLOWS RASPBERRY]

This sitcom just got really weird.

Why is that crazy hamster talking
all about his face?

I gotta find a way outta here.

Flashlight! A Milo flashlight?

[GASPS]
Milo Show toys!

Milo Show video games?

Milo World Theme Park and Resort?

I always dreamed of a Milo World,
but not like this.

I gotta stop this guy
before it's too late!

[MOTOR TURNS ON]

What was that?

All right, Milo,
I'm gonna get all of my tchotchkes out

into the world before you get a chance
to ruin my name.

-[WAILS, GRUNTS]
-[CRASHING]

First stop, Burger Bunny,
so I can deliver these kids meals.

[LAUGHS]

Milo Show blowtorch!
Boy, this came in handy.

[GASPS] He's loose!
Truck, otter pilot. Now!

[COUGHING]

Now it's just you and me.

That's right! And Milo's gonna win.

How right you are, because, look,
this truck full of Milo merchandise

is headed straight for the Burger Bunny,
to be distributed with Bunny Meals!

People everywhere will think
only of me when they hear the name Milo!

-No!
-Oy!

[CRASH]

[GRUNTING]

Oh, no!

[HONKING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

They're stuck inside
of the out-of-control truck!

-I'm scared!
-O-M-G, that's not even real.

-[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
-[TURTLES SCREAM]

[expl*si*n]

[WAILS]
I was never here.

[MOANING]

Okay, you sit down.
You rest your pretty little head.

Breathe! Come on! Come back to me, Milo!
Come back to me!

Wha... Milo, what happened to my truck?
What did you do?

Uh, it may or may not have burnt up
and blowed up. I'm not quite sure.

But I got you outta there alive
and that's what's important.

You mean you... You saved my life?
Why would you do that?

Because as you and I
were flipping through the air

in that burning truck of death,
I realized,

it's not the name that makes the Milo,
it's the Milo that makes the Milo.

[TINKLING]

And this Milo is awesome
no matter what! Whoo!

You know what? You take the name Milo.
You've earned it.

ALL: Aww!

-Oh, that's so sweet.
-Oh, cute. Super cute.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Good news, fellas,
the ratings are through the roof!

So, I'm making a new show
starring the both of you!

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

ANNOUNCER:
And now, a brand-new Hamster Channel show.

One is a cool guy,
the other a blundering buffoon.

Watch as they fight crime.

Uh-oh! Looks like you Oscar'd that up!

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

ANNOUNCER:
Milo and Oscar!

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, Oscar, that's just like you!

Oh, man.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

-[CAR HONKS]
-[HEAVY BREATHING]

Love hangin' out by the pool, Koi.

I love it! I love relaxing by the pool.

Letting it all hang out. Love it.

I'm burning! My skin is burning!

I'm a teenage beach ball.

[EXCITED MUTTERING]

-Cannonball!
-Hold on!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Okay, swimmers, time for you to show me
what you've learned.

Hamsteven, swimming is about
keeping your head above water.

Good boy! That's really good.

Okay, Scorpantonio,
show me the butterfly stroke.

[BUTTERFLY SHRIEKS]

Oh... No, the swimming stroke.

Good! Good, Scorpantonio. Way to learn!

And Pythanthony,
I know you don't have arms,

but let's see you use that tail.

[TAIL RATTLES]

Great job! Way to go!
You guys are really learning from me.

Milo, stop grabbing at my swimsuit!
There's ladies present!

Oh! Oh!

Bea, in a bikini.
How's your swimming school going?

[GIGGLES] Swimmingly! Here,
at Bea's Water Sports Master Class,

I pride myself
on never letting a student down.

Well, you let one down
to the bottom of the pool.

[MUFFLED CLUCKING
AND SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS] Oh, my gosh!

Class dismissed!
We gotta save this chicken!

[GASPS] Quick! We have to perform
emergency chicken resuscitation!

-How do I do that?
-You put your mouth on her beak!

No, Milo, don't...

Do it! Breathe! Breathe!
Come on, Chicken, you can live!

Hm. That's funny.
I don't remember a chicken in my class.

-I'm done! She's okay.
-No! You gotta keep kissing her!

[OSCAR GRUNTING]

-[CAR HONKS]
-[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

ALL: Ooh!

[CHICK GRUNTS]

Attention, pool patronage,
presenting in attendance his Highness,

Sir Louis Kluck.

[CLUCKING]

Um, excuse me, sir, is this your daughter?
She almost drowned.

[CLUCKING]

Sir Louis Kluck says his daughter Chloe
is a class-A nincompoop.

Louis Kluck believes that the chicken
who does not know how to swim,

is a dumb chicken.

Therefore, he asks that you teach Chloe
how to swim before he returns this evening

or else he shall write a bad review
about your service online.

[GASPS]

A bad review? I've never had a bad review.
That cannot happen.

Louis Kluck, you have my word.
I will have your daughter swimming

like a pro by the time you return.

[CLUCKING AND LAUGHING]

Sir Louis Kluck says, "Fat chance."

Um, that's kind of rude.
But I love a challenge...

-Hey! Where are you going?
-[CAR CRASHING]

Okay, that's even ruder.

All right. Well, Chloe, let's do this!

Swimming is easy.
It's all about two things,

arm movement and leg movement.

Let's start by getting in the water.

[GASPS] Oh, no!

[MUFFLED CLUCKING
AND SCREAMING]

[CLUCKING]

Wait! Wait!
We're not done with the lesson!

Where are you going?

[MIMICS CLUCKING]

Now you're the one
who sounded like a chicken, Bea.

Guys, seriously! What am I going to do?

I absolutely cannot have a bad review.

Uh, I'll tell you what, how about
I make a fake online identity

so, I can give you a positive review?

-You can use mine. It's Hip Dude 352.
-[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

-That's you?
-BEA: Aw, guys!

Thank you for the offer,
but I really need to do this

the honest way and teach
that chicken to swim.

-So, where do you think she went?
-[LOUD ROARING]

[ALL GASP]

Wait a minute.

-BEA AND MIL: Mr. Mussels?
-Were you here all along?

That depends on what you mean!

If you mean, was I down
at the bottom of the pool,

eating all the hair or bandages
and lost jewelry I can find, then no!

I have not been here all along.

So, did... did you want something?

Oh, yeah! That chicken you looking for?
She probably went down

-to the chicken tree.
-Why? Why would you assume that?

Because I know a lot of stuff
about a lot of stuff. Mainly chickens.

Whew! All right, guys,
I'm gonna go find Chloe.

You two stay here
and if Louis Kluck comes back,

then I need you to stall him, got it?

-You got it, Bea.
-You can count on us.

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

[BEA GRUNTING]

Chloe!
Oh, thank goodness!

[ANGRY CLUCKING]

Uh, oh, gosh, you're not Chloe!

-Chloe!
-[ANGRY CLUCKING]

Neither are you. Okay.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

-Excuse me? Nope.
-[CHICKEN HONKS]

-[LOUD CLUCK]
-[BEA SCREAMS]

-[CLUCKS]
-[BEA CHUCKLES]

You might wanna talk to a doctor
about that. Okay?

[GRUNTS, SIGHS]

Ah!

Let me guess,
you're not Chloe Kluck either.

[CLUCKS]

Oh, Chloe! Thank goodness I found you.
Can you excuse us, please?

[CRASHING SOUND]

Thank you! Chloe, I have been looking
all over for you.

We've gotta get back to the pool
before your dad gets back.

-[CLUCKS]
-[BEA GASPS]

What do you mean
you don't care what he thinks?

[CLUCKS]

Aw!

He doesn't really mean that.
He loves you. He's your dad.

[CLUCKS]

Well, the only way to do that
is to get back in that pool,

learn to swim,
and prove him wrong.

[CLUCKING]

[CLUCKS]

Chloe, believe it or not,
I don't just know about swimming,

I also know a thing or two
about fathers and daughters.

[PIANO MELODY PLAYS]

[SINGING] Don't ever let your father say
You cannot be a star

Because we need stars in the night
To light the darkness

-[MUSIC ENDS]
-[APPLAUSE]

So, should we get outta here?

[CLUCKS]

Finberley, do my back.

I can only do only one back at a time.

And Koi's got a lot of real estate
over here.

[WHIMPERS]

I can't believe you're Hip Dude 352.

What other screen names are you using?

Uh, let's see.
There's Swag Apple 123.

Ooh! Agent Double O-Swag 317825,

and then there's Swagnum P.I.

Ooh! Count Swagula 77285194531567.

Yeah, they had a lot of those
taken already. It was weird.

-Oh, and Swag-Fish-X-O-X-O-One.
-[GROANS]

Oh, no, no! I told Swag-Fish-X-O-X-O-One
some pretty personal stuff.

Please tell me you kept it to yourself.

If by keeping it to myself, you mean
sharing it with my whole contact list?

-Then, yessir.
-[CAR HONKING]

Oh, my gosh!
It's Louis Kluck!

Hurry, Oscar, we gotta stall him somehow.

What are we gonna do?

We gotta make him think
that Chloe's already learned how to swim.

Let's do this thing.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[CLUCKS]

Yes, sir, it is indeed a proud day
for the Kluck family.

MILO:
Oscar, does something sound funny to you?

-[BOAT CREAKING]
-Like this thing isn't stable?

Dingus, everybody knows if you build
a fake chicken boat in five seconds,

-it's probably not gonna be stable!
-Why're you dissin' my chicken?

Here you are, sir, your opera glass.

[CLUCKS]

What is it, Your Lordship?

[CLUCKS]

A fake chicken? How dare they try
to trick a chicken with a chicken trick?

[CLUCKS]

[CLUCKS]

[CLUCKS]

Oh, no! I'm coming, guys!

[CLUCKS]

What? Hey! Wait! You can't swim.

Chloe!

[CLUCKS]

Chloe! That's amazing!

Your technique is identical
to someone who pays attention.

[CLUCKS]

There's something you ought to see, sir.

Why aren't chickens waterproof?

Oh, no.

[MUFFLED SHRIEKING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[CLUCKS]

Thanks for sort of, saving us, Chloe.

[CLUCKS]

Well, we're fish,
so, we don't know how to drown.

[CLUCKS]

[CLUCKS]

Chloe, that was great!

[CLUCKS]
Thank you, Bea.

No, thank you, Chloe,
I'm glad you learned something.

-[CLUCKS]
-No, thank you.

-[CLUCKS]
-No! Thank you. Let's hug some more.

[CLUCKS] Aw!

Sir Louis Kluck said
that he will be writing

a most satisfactory review
of your swimming school online.

-[CASH REGISTER DINGS]
-And here is payment for your troubles.

Thank you!

Um, excuse me, sir?

This is corn.
I usually get paid with money?

-[CLUCKS]
-[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[LOUD CRASHING]

[CRUNCHING AND CHEWING]

-Ugh! Milo!
-This chicken money is delicious!

[LOUD CHEWING]

Okay, logging into World of Fish Quest.

-[MODEM CONNECTING]
-It's loading, all right!

Everything's looking good.
Let's see if any of my friends are online.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Oh, cool!
It's Doctor Awesome 851543625.

Hey, dude, how's everything going?
Good. Yeah.

I got some really embarrassing
personal stuff

I wanna talk to you about today.

[ELECTRONIC WHIRRING]

Shh!

[CHUCKLES]

MALE MOUSE: Snake-punzel, Mouse-punzel,
let down thy hair,

for never have we seen two maidens
so fair.

And also, there ain't no other way
up there! [LAUGHS]

Let me do the talking, Perry,
you're gonna ruin this for everybody.

Too weird for you?

Nah. Dressing retro is kind of cool,
I guess.

Too bad we're gonna have to send them away
because neither one of us has hair.

Speak for yourself, girl.

Wow. No way! Is that a weave?

MOUSE: Of course, it's not a weave.
Where would I get a weave?

Sorry.

I will have my revenge.