02x15 - Oscar is a Playa/Chicks Dig Vampires

[bunniefuu]

[BUBBLING]

-[SONG BEGINS]
-One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell

[SONG ENDS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Aah! Aah! Aah! [LAUGHS]

-[HUMMING]
-[BELLS RINGS]

-ALL: School's out!
-[CHEERING]

Let's all go hang out
at the Hokey Poke.

[MURMURS]

Hold on, guys.

Let me check with
my girlfriend Angela

to see if
she can come with.

Oscar, leave that
poor girl alone.

What's next? You're gonna
start checking in with her

to see if it's okay
to check in with her?

Listen, here, buddy,
I'm a grown fish,

and I can do
whatever I want!

But let me check and see
if it's okay with Angela first.

-All right, let's go, guys.
-ALL: Yeah!

-Wait, guys!
-[PHONE BEEPS]

"Busy tonight."

I'm playing video games.
[LAUGHS]

-Oh, yeah!
-Oh, man.

[GRUNTS]
Hold on, guys.

[PANTS]
I'm a-coming.

Hey, Esmargot, wait.
Are you going to the Hokey Poke, too?

Yep, I'll get
there eventually.

Well, how about
you and I go together?

Together?

Come on, we'll have fun.

[INTERNALLY]
Oh my gosh.

Is he asking me out?

I'll even drive.

[GASPS] He is!

[ENGINE STARTS]

ESMARGOT:
Wait a minute, Oscar.

Don't you have
a girlfriend?

Look, she's not here, is she?

ESMARGOT:
Oh, my gosh. This is so wrong.

What's the matter, Esmargot?
You look uncomfortable.

Here, let me adjust your headrest.

He's putting his arms around me.

And your seatbelt
isn't even fastened.

Safety first.

-[ESMARGOT GASPS]
-OSCAR: Can't quite fit.

Relax, Esmargot.

Oh my gosh.
Hands all over me!

Are you cold?
Let me get the heater.

[SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, darn it. This heater button
always sets off the radio

And all I get is this stupid saxophone
romantic station.

-I'm sorry.
-[AIR BLOWS]

So, Esmargot,

Is it hot enough
in here for you?

Ew.

Oh, no.
A button flew off.

I should never let
Milo fix my shirts.

Oh boy, I think Oscar's
hitting on me.

I should have seen
all the signs.

First, he invites me
in his car. Ew!

And then he adjusts my headrest
and then he adjusts my seatbelt

And then he puts
on music. OMG.

What's worse is
he has a girlfriend.

I gotta get out of here
and tell the other girls.

Oscar, if we could
please be on our way.

Okay.

Excuse me for being
a safe driver. Yeesh!

OSCAR:
We're here.

[ESMARGOT SCREAMS]

-I know.
-Oh!

Girls, you're not gonna believe
what just happened.

Oscar just tried to put
the moves on me in his car.

I had no idea
he was such a player!

I guess when you got the goods
like me, you can't blame him.

[PANTS]

What? Oscar hit on you?
But he has a girlfriend.

ESMARGOT:
I know.

That doesn't sound
like something he would do at all.

Baby, but look.

Oh my gosh.
He's totally giving that girl his number.

I am so sorry I hit your car.
Here's my insurance information.

Yeah, okay,
now get away from me.

-Seriously.
-Oh!

-[GROWLS]
-Koi's right. Oh my gosh.

We gotta totally stick up for Angela.

'Cause girls gotta
watch out for girls against boys

-who cheat on them.
-[KOI MUMBLES]

We need to tell her
right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You guys are so jumping to conclusions.

I tell you, he did it!
He did it!

Okay, fine.
Let me go do a little detective work.

Girl, your parents
must be aliens

'cause you are out
of this world.

Okay, okay, okay,
here's another one.

Koi or Finberley?

Oh, man,
that's a tough one.

[WHISPERS] Psst, Oscar,
I need to talk to you.

Sure, Bea.

BEA GOLDFISHBERG:
Hmm. [GASPS]

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Bea, Bea, Bea, Bea, Bea.

What if you had
an opportunity with a girl?

-You mean Angela?
-No, another girl.

A girl you've known
a long time,

One who could be
right here in front of you.

She could be nearby.

One of your friends, perhaps,
and nobody would ever know.

You know, would you,
you know, just go for it?

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

BEA:
Oh, my gosh! It's working!

Oscar is falling apart
under my expert questioning.

[SHRIEKING, MOANING]

I can't believe it.
He's guilty!

Okay, time to close in
for the k*ll.

Well, Oscar,

Would you date her, too?

[GASPS]

I'm flattered, Bea.
I'm even a little bit curious,

but I'm sorry.
I'm with Angela now.

There's just not enough
of me to go around.

Oh, okay, well,
thanks anyway, Oscar.

-I just wanted to ask.
-Okay.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[SOBS]

BEA:
Now I'm confused.

He says he's not a player,
but he totally acts guilty.

Okay, clearly something
is going on with him.

We gotta step this up.
We'll set up a sting operation

and catch him in the act.

Bea, stop pantomiming

and tell us what
to do next.

BEA: All right, girls,
first let's thank Finberley

for being able to borrow this undercover
surveillance van from her parents.

-Yeah, parents.
-MAN: [OVER RADIO] Agent Finberley,

-do you copy? Over.
-Agent Jones, maintain radio silence.

-Over.
-[BEEPING, STATIC]

So anyway,
here's the plan.

Koi, Finberley, Esmargot,

you three will enter
the Hokey Poke.

Your mission,
get Oscar to hit on you and record it.

I've wired the joint
with surveillance cameras,

so we'll have
documented proof

from every possible angle.

-ALL: Ooh!
-I know. I'm a genius.

BEA: [ON RADIO]
Listen up, Esmargot.

We'll be communicating
to you with this hidden earpiece.

Um, that's not my ear.

-Oof!
-Hey, Esmargot.

Hey, guys,
what do I do?

Girl, you have got to flirt
with him.

How do I do that?

[SIGHS]
Stare into his soul, girl,

with your fisheyes.

Ooh, ooh! And bite your lip.

-I saw that on TV.
-Me, too.

Ooh, ooh! Also laugh
at everything he says.

Cody loves it when I do that.
He loves it so much.

Fisheyes, bite my lip, laugh.
Okay, I got it.

Esmargot, are you okay?

[LAUGHS MANICALLY]

Okay, I'm gonna
go over there now.

[LAUGHS]
Okay, bye-bye.

[ALL GROAN]

All right, Finberley,
time to get dolled up

and let your body language
do the talking.

[COUGHS]
Here we go.

-... And I was like...
-Oh!

Finberley,
you look different.

[LAUGHS] A wink.

My eyelash!

[OSCAR GROANS]

I'll get it.
[GRUNTS]

Fin stuck.

[SCREAMS]

Hey, free apples!
[MUNCHES]

[GROANS]

BEA:
Ugh! He's not taking the bait.

We've gotta step up
the allure.

Koi, you're the biggest
lure we have.

Get out there
and get aggressive.

-Veronica or Shellsea?
-Hi, Koi.

-[KOI GRUNTS]
-[SCREAMING]

No, no, no!
We've got to do something.

One way or another,
we're gonna force

a confession out
of that hound dog.

This fox knows
just what to do.

[GROANS]
What is up with those crazy fishes?

I'll tell you
what's up, Oscar.

The jig is up.
We got your number, buddy.

Game over for you,
playa.

Yeah, my name is Oscar,

And I'm, like, totally guilty
of hitting on other girls

and cheating on my girlfriend
Angela and junk.

I'm so guilty.

Ugh, are you kidding me?
Nobody's gonna believe this.

[CRIES]

What kind of a horrible
boyfriend am I?

You're the kind
that got swag, bro.

You are a playa, Oscar.

You think you could just get away
with cheating on your girlfriend

-with Esmargot?
-Yeah!

Cheating?
No way.

I was just trying to be nice.
Tell them, Esmargot.

Well, uh...

Oh! Angela deserves
a better boyfriend than me.

[SOBS] I need to break up
with her right now.

Esmargot, what is
Oscar talking about?

What really happened
in his car?

Well,
he adjusted my seat

and buckled my seatbelt.

It was the closest I've ever gotten
to a boy in real life.

I thought I was
being romanced.

I'm sorry.
I guess I overreacted.

So... not guilty?

Oh, my gosh! We've gotta stop Oscar
before he gets to Angela's.

Action, girls! Go!

[SHOUTING]

[ENGINE REVS]

[OSCAR WAILS]

-Hey! Angela!
-Hi, girls. I was just... [SCREAMS]

-[GRUNTS] Huh?
-We are taking you

on an emergency spa day.

-B-b-but...
-Have fun.

-[OSCAR WAILS]
-He's coming!

Looks like
I'm going to have to use

all of my acting skills

to transform into Angela.

[HUMS]

Now I am Angela, too.

Angela, I am so sorry!

What is wrong,
my boyfriend?

I have a confession
to make.

I think I'm... a playa.

[WAILS]

I have too many fish
in my fishnet.

[GASPS, WAILS]

There, there.
You're not a player, no.

You're just too nice.

Huh?

It's good to be nice,
but every once in a while,

being nice can be
taken the wrong way.

-Really?
-But that shouldn't stop you

from being a good guy,
so don't feel bad about it, okay?

Thanks, Angela,

I feel so much better now.

So how about we put
this behind us

with a kiss?

-Whoa, no, no.
-Sorry, I forgot to save my game.

-Whoa!
-Angela? Then who...?

[LAUGHS, WHIMPERS]

Oh man,
I really am a playa.

So guilty.

[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNARLS]

[WORMS SCREAM]

[RASPY BREATHING]

ALBERT:
Hmm. Hmm?

Hi-yo...

So, um...

Yeah?

Yeah.

Dang it!

Ow!

Hey, man, is that locker
giving you trouble?

You need us to help you
take it down?

I'm having real
girl problems, guys.

I'm into Esmargot,
but she's so hot, I get tongue-tied.

I can't talk to her.
See?

Talking to women is easy.
All you gotta do is move your lips

and make noise come out.
It doesn't matter what you're saying.

As long as it's loud, you're in.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

-Like that.
-And you gotta flash some money.

Women will totally talk to you
if you got the Benjamins.

Albert, don't listen
to these guys.

As the only fish here
with an actual girlfriend,

I can tell you this.
Change who you are.

Girls only want you
if you can change.

[GROANS]

So who's ready

for another amazing
girls' night?

Tonight's theme
will be vampires.

[YELLING] Vampires!
Get them away!

Oh no! I don't want them
to bite me and suck my blood.

Calm down, calm down!
We're only talking about vampire movies.

Well, as long as they die
at the end of the movie, I'm cool with it.

What's wrong with you?
Vampires are hot.

Seriously, Esmargot,
the way they look at you,

like they know you
and will protect you forever.

It's just hot.

They're not hot. They're awful.
They stab you with their fangs

and drink your blood
and drain you of your life.

How is that hot?

They love you forever,
and it's real.

I'm not buying it,
but I'm still down with girls' night

because I like the chips.
[SLURPS]

-It's real!
-GIRLS: Vampires! Whoo!

Man, girls sure get nuts
over vampires.

Vampires are so hot.
They're so hot.

Hey, wait a second.
I have an idea.

All I need to do is
dress like a vampire,

then getting Esmargot's
attention will be super easy.

This is the best plan ever.
I'm gonna win her heart.

Yay!

So, you see, kids,
math is like baking.

It's hard.

Oh my gosh, after that movie,
I love vampires even more.

Oh, me too.
They are so much hotter now.

Esmargot, don't you
think vampires are hot?

Can we please stop talking
about vampires?

Last thing I want anyone
to even mention is another vampire!

Oh no!
I've been bitten

by a handsome vampire.

I'm gonna die.
Watch out, here he comes.

Hola, clase.
I'm a vampire. Blah, blah!

Bite me, bite me first.

No! Me!

[MURMURS]

Oh, I'm flattered, Koi, but actually,
I'm here for Esmargot.

-[SHRIEKS]
-Wench.

Oh my gosh.
Albert's totally turned into a vampire.

Of course, it had to happen to one of
the cutest boys in school.

It's my worst nightmare come true. [WAILS]

Hi, Esmargot, now that I'm a vampire,

I was wondering if you would want
to go to dinner with me.

Do it.
Vampires are hot.

What are your intentions, demon?

Hang on. Let me check.

Tell her you'll suck her blood.

Okey-dokey.
I'm going to be sucking your blood.

Aah, aah!
Oh, how do I get out of this?

Mm, I know once you vamps
decide on a victim,

you're pretty relentless,
so I guess I got no choice

but to have dinner with you.
Ugh!

-All right. Let's get it over with.
-Really? [LAUGHS]

Hey, Esmargot, blah, blah!

-[SHOUTS]
-[ALBERT GIGGLES]

It worked.
The vampire thing worked. I got a date.

[SONG PLAYING] Ding ding dong
Rock it so well

Come on, girl
Let me ring your bells

Like a boomerang
Let me do my thing.

[ESMARGOT GASPS]

Mom, Dad, it's happening.
Just like you warned me about.

The day I've been training
for my whole life has finally come.

[GRUNTING]

Tonight, everything changes.

Tonight, I leave behind

the innocent girl I was.

Tonight, the hunter
becomes the hunted.

Tonight, all vampires must die.

-[SLURPS] Tonight.
-[WOLF HOWLS]

[ROMANTIC ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS]

Okay, this evening has to be magical.

I want her to be swept off
her sticky little foot.

[THUNDER CLAPPING]

All right, monster, let's tango.

Esmargot, I love your outfit.

Thanks.
I thought I'd dress for the occasion.

I complimented her, Milo.

Now what do I do?

All right, Albert,
say something romantic, like,

"You smell
like cheeseburgers."

No way, Milo. Give me that.

Albert, tell her,
"I've lived a thousand years

"waiting for a girl like you."

ALBERT: Got it, over and out.

Bro, you didn't have to
wear a disguise.

I didn't wanna blow our cover.

Besides, I think this dress
really brings out my eyes.

Oh look, our food is here.

I hope you like spaghetti

with extra garlic.

[CHEWS, HISSES]

-[SHOUTS]
-[ALBERT LAUGHS]

Scared you, didn't I?

ESMARGOT:
The garlic has no effect.

He must be some sort
of super vampire.

Time for plan "C."

"C" for crossbow.

Hey, Albert, there's something
I wanna give you.

Wait, before you do that,

There's something I want
to give you, too.

They're beautiful.

No, must resist.

Can't fight his
vampire charms.

Oh, wink. My cranberry drink!

I mean, blood.
Blah, blah!

I can't pull the trigger
on poor Albert.

Twenty percent?
I don't think so.

Here's a thousand dollars
and the keys to my car.

Yes!

[SHUDDERS]
I can't do it.

I just can't do it to him.
[SOBS]

What happened?
Okay, that didn't work.

Time to rethink.

-How are you guys at building coffins?
-Why do you ask?

Who told you? Whatever they said,
it was a lie. It never happened.

Well, Esmargot is not responding well
to my advances,

but I think it's 'cause I haven't fully
committed to the vampire lifestyle.

But I figured
out the answer.

Gentlemen, I have to
fight some werewolves.

Oh, my gosh.
You k*lled and skinned two werewolves?

No, silly, they're
just werewolf costumes

that you guys
are gonna wear.

I did some research
and the only thing hotter to a girl

than a vampire is a vampire
fighting a werewolf.

Yeah, well,
it certainly is hotter.

But, brother, dear,
is it too much hotness?

It very well may be.
But tomorrow,

I defeat some werewolves
and win Esmargot's heart.

Put these on and meet me
in front of the school tomorrow morning.

Okay, but I'm gonna need
to let out a seam.

[BOTH HOWL]

Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Bye, Mom and Dad.
I'm gonna go slay some vampires.

Be back in time for
the "Dr. Whootenanny" marathon.

Stupid vampires
keeping me away from my shows.

[SIGHS] If I wanna impress
Esmargot tomorrow,

I better get
my monster sleep.

[SNORES]

Enjoy your beauty sleep,
vampire.

It's gonna be your last.

[ESMARGOT GRUNTS]

Goodbye, Albert.

It's too bad.

I kind of liked you
before all this vampire junk.

[ESMARGOT GRUNTS]

[PLAYS NOTES]

Good morning,
Freshwater High

Freshwater High!

-Don't look.
-What is it?

Stay calm,
but what is the one thing

hotter than vampires?

OMG. Werewolves.

-Dude, where is Albert?
-It's not like him to be late.

Boy, sleeping in a coffin
is a lot harder

than I thought it would be.
I feel so dry.

[GASPS] I'm outside!

And I'm all tied up.

I've gotta get
to Esmargot.

Sun rays?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Okay, which one of you two
is here to protect me

from the vampires?

Uh... whoa. Hey, we're just
looking for Albert.

-Do you know where he is?
-I wish,

little cutie patootie.

-Well, what about Esmargot?
-We wanna eat her.

Ugh! Why do all you monsters
like her so much?

-[PANTS] Coming, my darling.
-[CAT SNARLS]

Hey, everybody.
Boy, I had a rough night.

I don't wanna hear it.

You are in trouble,
Missy.

Yeah,
'cause we're wolves.

[HOWLING]

[GRUNTS] I guess I better go home
and get some silver b*ll*ts

and k*ll me some werewolves.
Ugh.

-What a day.
-ALBERT: [WEAKLY] Esmargot.

I'm here to save you.

[GASPS]
You're alive!

-Just barely.
-Get him!

-Fight for my love.
-Don't hold back.

[SHOUTING]

Stop!
I can't do this anymore.

[SPITS]
See?

I'm not a vampire.

I just dressed up like a vampire
to impress you.

I thought you wouldn't like me
if I was just regular me.

Oh, yeah,
I totally knew that.

It's not like I was
planning on k*lling you

or anything like that,
so yeah.

It's all because
I really like you.

Really?
Because I like you, too.

Would you like
to go out together?

There's nothing
stopping us.

Great.

ALL: Aw!

ESMARGOT: Hmm?

ALBERT: Hmm.

Hi-yo.

HAMSTER:
Why do we have to have a curfew?

-It's not fair.
-Yeah.

We should be able to stay
out as late as we want.

-Yeah!
-Curfews are dumb.

-Let's get out of here.
-Yeah!

Okay, so where should we go?
It should be somewhere fun.

BOTH:
Hmm?

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

-[GASPS] Our tank is fun.
-Okay, let's stay in our tank.

Yeah!