02x04 - Oscar's Secret Admirer/Sixteen Clamandles

[bunniefuu]

[BUBBLING]

-[SONG BEGINS]
-One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell!

[SONG ENDS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

MAN: Order up for Jumbo.

JUMBO: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

[GROANS]

This line is for suckers! I'm outie!

Corn dogs, who needs 'em?

All I want is my daily granola bar.

Mmm. [CRUNCHES]

Delicious, nourishing and ohhh...

that Grunion Granola girl mascot,

I do love you so.

[SQUEALS]

I'll write you a letter!

"Dear Grunion Granola girl... "

Pshh. That is way too formal.

"To my dreamy fish!

"Everything about you
is wonderful, my dear...

"Your curly hair and your braces
are just divine.

"I hope that one day soon
we will be together.

"XO."

[CHUCKLES] Now I just got to mail it off.

Good thing Oscar knows how to mail things.

I'll just put it into his locker

and he'll take care of it for me.

Done and done.

What do you think I should
do now, Grunion Granola girl?

[FALSETTO]
"I think you should get a corn dog."

Great idea. Oh, you're so smart.

-Who's Milo talking to?
-Who knows?

Uh, what's this?

"To my dream fish"?

Oscar, did you just receive a love letter?

Yeah, from my secret admirer,

which is no secret at all.

[CLAMANTHA COOING]

Clamantha, shoo!

Enough with the love letters!

Love letters?

But I haven't even dropped 'em off yet.

If it wasn't you, then...

Oscar, that means
that it could be from anyone.

-Really, Bea?
-Well, yeah.

-Anyone but me or Clamantha.
-Oh.

Just think of the potential.

It could be any of these girls.

OSCAR:
This has never happened to me before.

Look at this letter.
It's more than just a crush.

-It's true love.
-[BOTH SQUEAL]

Hey guys, what are we so excited about?

According to this love letter,
I'm someone's dream fish.

What? Way to go, man!

-That never happens to you.
-I know.

She says she likes
my curly hair and braces!

[GASPS, SHRIEKS]

Hey Oscar, what if I told you
that letter wasn't meant for you?

Then I've already lost true love.

I can't handle this.

Uh, it's okay, Oscar.

Why would say that, Milo?

Uh, Grunion Granola girl,
I need your help.

If I tell Oscar the truth...

[FALSETTO]
"His heart will be crushed!"

But the secret admirer doesn't exist.

Hmm, there's a lot of girls
in this school.

All I gotta do is make one
fall in love with him

then everything will be okay!

Oscar, I was just goofin'.
I know who she is

and I know where she is. Come on!

If there's one thing I know about ladies,

it's that they love to couple-skate.

So, I'm sure I can find you someone...

I mean, find your secret admirer here.

I sure hope not, Milo,
because it's senior citizens' night.

Oh no! Wait!

Oh Ruth, you are too funny.

But seriously, grandma,
I prefer spending my nights with you gals.

-Here she is.
-Hey you guys.

Finberley? Really?

Really! [NERVOUS LAUGH]

But I've been friends with her
for so long.

Of course!

You know how shy she is.

Yeah, yeah! She's perfect for you, bro.

And I think you're
totally perfect for her...

right after a little makeover.

Wh… wh… whoa!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

-I like your shirt.
-Thanks.

Are you okay?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I just gotta watch
where I'm going.

[GRUNTS]

Maybe we should make our way
over to that wall.

Sounds good.

[GRUNTING]

Here, let me help you up.

Thanks, Oscar. You're sweet.

My pleasure.

Yes, yes, it's working!

So, do you have, like, a crush on anyone?

-Steve Jackson.
-No!

Uh, do you have like
a plan-b crush or anything?

No, it's Steve Jackson or death.

-This is fun though.
-[BRAKE SCREECHES]

-Whoa!
-It's not her, Milo.

Yeah, of course it's not,

but I have an idea who it is now. Come on!

[CHATTERS]

You look fantastic, bro!

-She is going to love you.
-[GRUNTS]

Koi? Um...

Well, look at it this way:

-she's so kind and she never ever judges.
-That's right.

Here comes Romeo!

Uh, hey, Koi.

Get in there, you lovebirds.

[CRASH]

[MUZAK PLAYING]

Are we having a good time yet?

I don't see it, Milo.

Koi never even talks to me.

Look, girls are quiet
around boys that they like.

Ooh, ooh, let me break the ice for you.

Just look at these phenomenal fins,

these playful scale spots

and those giant bulbous eyeballs.

[KOI GRUNTS HAPPILY]

Really, Oscar, I mean how could you have
passed her by until now?

I don't really have any excuse.

Great! Phew!

Oh, almost forgot... one final touch.

I present to you

every man's dream fish.

[GRUNTS HAPPILY]

I think you could use
a little something to cool off with.

All right, man.

Looks like it's time
to let nature take its course.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, hey there. Oh!

Koi! You are on a date with Oscar!
This ain't right!

What a waste of time.

-What happened?
-She's not the one, Bea.

[KOI GRUNTS]

I'm sorry, Oscar.

Sometimes I just can't fight 'em off.

Maybe I'll never find my secret admirer.

It's okay, Oscar.

Love is a secret
that can't stay hidden.

Bea is right!

We are not done by a long shot!

Come on, she's bound to turn up at...

the Hokey Poke!

That's her! Come on, dude!
She's getting away!

Bassy? Are you serious?

You have no idea
who my secret admirer is, do you?

Uh...

This letter is obviously meant
for someone else.

It must've come to me by mistake.

If you need me, I'll be under this table,

you know, freaking out!

[SCREAMS]

Okay, Milo, enough fartin' around.

If you can't find a girl
that loves Oscar naturally,

then you're gonna
have to bribe someone.

[FALSETTO]
"Oh, Milo, you're so smart."

I know, Grunion Granola girl.

Hi, Oscar.

I guess I'm like supposed to be
your secret admirer or something.

All right, Milo, I said it.
Where's my five bucks?

[WHIMPERS]
You're my secret admirer?

That's terrifying!

Yeah, it's pretty darn terrifying
for me too.

Hey Milo, I didn't know
there'd be this much talking!

I'm upping my fee by five more bucks.

Uh, wait. We should go on a date.

Right. And I'm done.

Yeah, a big date!

I don't need this hassle anymore.

You already gave me enough
for a mani-pedi.

I gots a 20!

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

-[WHINNIES]
-Your steed awaits.

Wow, Milo.

Hey world, we're in love.

[LAUGHS]

I can't believe it.

All this time I thought you hated me,

but I guess that was just your way
of masking your burning passions.

Here, I brought you some flowers
to show you my love.

Huh? Whoa.

Remember our deal!

You better take his love.
I gave you 20 dollars!

Take them, pretty lady!

Give him a kiss! Tell him you love him!

-Take my love!
-MILO: It's 20 dollars! Put a ring on it!

Get off my man! [GRUNTS]

All right, stop it! Enough!

Uh, is something wrong, my love?

[SIGHS] All right, here's the deal:

Oscar, I can't lie to you.

You're such a fragile, delicate creature.

What are you talking about?

Why don't you ask Milo?

No!

Please, don't make me tell Oscar
I made up his secret admirer!

You what?

-My heart!
-[LOUD POP]

[WHIMPERS]

What have I done?

-Oscar!
-Doctor! We need a doctor!

What?

Dr. Frog! You're a doctor!
You gotta help him!

I always carry my stethoscope.

Oh my, he's got a doozy
of a broken-heart coma.

How we gonna save him, doc?
I'm freakin' out!

Hmm.

What he needs is...

the kiss of true love!

Of course! Line it up, ladies.

Should I go first?

Thanks for picking me off the rink, Oscar.

-Mwah!
-Not you! Next!

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Not you! Next!

Why must we always kiss this way...

with you unconscious?

Not you! Next!

[LOUD KISS]

-Not it. Sweet!
-[ALL CHEER]

Well, I guess it's my turn.

Okay, Bea.
Well, he may be your best friend,

but you are an amazing actress.

So, let's give this boy
the most passionate,

memorable kiss of his young life...

the kiss to end all kisses.

Whew. [CLEARS THROAT]

[SCREAMS] This is taking too long!

Oh Oscar!

I did everything I could
to find you the love you deserve.

I set up all those dates,

I lit all those candles,

but all you needed was a true love!

I'm sorry I couldn't give you that!

Mwah!

[WAILS]

Where is my love?

Oscar, you're awake!

Oh, I love you, bro!

Are you mad at me?

No.

I heard everything.
You just wanted me to be happy.

A couple times, I almost was.

I guess I was just blinded by love.

Still, I wish I could've gone
on just one real date.

[SWEDISH ACCENT]
Hey, you sweet boys,

you boys are sweet as honey granola.

Ohh!

The real Grunion Granola girl!

You-a wanna go on a double date-a?

BOTH: Sisters?

MILO: It looks like you're gonna get
that real date after all.

OSCAR AND MILO: Hot dog!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

And that is why you never kiss a cactus,

no matter how much it flirts with you.

-T.M.I.
-Dr. Frog, Dr. Frog!

How about an azalea?
Is it okay to kiss an azalea?

DR. FROG: Well, that's
a very good question.

[FADES] While azaleas are very pretty,

-they can be quite dangerous....
-Ow!

Psst, Oscar.
Did you see what Clamantha is wearing?

I'm getting this feeling
it might be her birthday.

[HONKS] Bubbla bubbla, hooray!

Why would you think that?

Be serious. Did you get her anything?

-No.
-Me neither.

Milo, did you get Clamantha
anything for her birthday?

-Yes.
-Ah good, at least one of us remembered.

I mean, no.

I had no idea it was her birthday.

Then why'd you say yes?

I just like to see you smile. Boopers.

Did anyone remember Clamantha's birthday?

Aging is something
I try not to think about, Bea.

[GASPS] It's Clamantha's birthday?

And we all forgot?

Here we go.

Forgetting a friend's birthday is like
putting dirt in someone's ice cream.

It's like kicking a pony in the chin.

It's like having your mom
laugh at you on picture day.

It's like...

Put a cork in it.

[HONKS LOUDLY]

What we gotta do
is throw her a big surprise party

to make it seem like
we pretended to forget.

That way she'll never know
we're thoughtless friends.

Whosa-wasa-wasa?

Party-planning committee unite!

Okay, g*ng.
We got a lot of work to do.

Hee, hee. I'll do the catering.

I'll eat the catering.

I'll do the decorations.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my gosh, Koi.

It's not that kind of party.

[GIGGLES]

We're gonna need someone
to distract Clamantha for the afternoon

while we pull it together.

Now, who could it be?

Milo will do it.

I love a challenge!

What are you guys talking about?
This sounds fun.

Not alive.

Not alive.

Not alive.

Alive!

Hey, Clamantha,

you know, I've been wondering
why we never hang out.

Probably because you're so busy

prying my deep-grooved lips
off your friend.

Well, I'm supposed to keep you
from going home for like an hour,

so what do you say we go to the Hokey Poke
and get a malted?

-You paying?
-Heck no!

Well, let's do it!

Okay, we'll get to Clamantha's house,

we'll tell her parents
that her best friends

want to throw her a party
and that we wanted to all along

-and then...
-Okay. Chill, Bea.

-Why kind of friends are we to Clamantha?
-Bea.

-We all forgot her birthday!
-Bea, chill.

Chill, Bea. Bea, chill. Chill.

Bea, chill. We're here.

-[DOORBELL DINGS]
-Hell-oo.

Hi, Clamother.

We're all here to celebrate
the big day with you.

Is it Snagglefors day already?

-Say what?
-I mean, Wednesday.

[CHUCKLES] No.

It's Clamantha's birthday!

Today's Clamantha's birthday?

Derpa derp, derp, derp, derp.

[YELLING]
Oh, my gosh, will you put your shell on?

[YELLING] This is my house!

We have guests!

Well, let them wear shells.

Uh, ahem, Clamantha's birthday?

Oh, my gosh.
We forgot Clamantha's birthday!

[SCREAMS]

[SLURPS]

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING]

There, perfect. A birthday polka party.

Whee!

[BLOWS DISCORDANT NOTE]

This is gonna be the best
surprise party ever.

CLAMANTHA’S DAD: I can't find my shell!

Why didn't we ever get stairs installed?

Use the window like everybody else!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

My shell was in the azaleas.

Uh, just so you know,

Clamantha's allergic to polka.

Why didn't you say that
before we made all these decorations?

Because.

Okay, people, change of plans.

It is nice to have Clamantha's boyfriend
here through these tough times.

Oh, jeez, here we go.

You look just like
the carvings she did of you.

[WAILS]

[HORROR MUSIC PLAYING]

She has a knife.

CLAMANTHA’S DAD: As our soon-to-be
next of kin,

you need to take this map

and round up our entire family
for the party.

They can't answer phones!

We don't have arms!

[SLURPS]

This is gonna be the best
surprise party ever.

-[CRASHES]
-By the way,

Clamantha's allergic to the circus.

[GROANS] You have got
to communicate earlier.

Shellsea, what are we gonna do?

Bea, just slap Oscar's face on everything.

She'll love it.

Genius, genius, genius, Shellsea!

If we do it Oscar-themed,

then Clamantha will know
we're the type of friends

who thought of every detail for her!

Well, here's the first place.

-[DOORBELL DINGS]
-Oh, boy.

Who is it?

-[GASPS]
-I'm a Geoduck,

largest of the edible clams.

-You're huge!
-And edible.

[OSCAR SHRIEKS]

[WHISTLES SHARPLY]

-[GASPS]
-[HORROR MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH CHEER, LAUGH]

[GASPS]

[SHRIEKS] Oh, who cares?

Nothing is as scary
as what I just had to go through.

ALL THREE: Hee hee hee.

-Oscar, Oscar!
-CLAMANTHA’S MOM: Uncle Charlie.

-[SHRIEKS]
-Auntie Babs.

I'm a Geoduck,

largest of the edible clams.

CLAMANTHA’S MOM: Cousin Geo!

Clamburgers, check. Chips, check.

Oscar outfits, [SINGSONG VOICE] check.

You know, Bea, this is the first time
I've ever found you unattractive.

-What?
-Nothing.

Cousin Geo!

Tell me, how's your mother doing?

She's good.

She sent over her famous cranberry log.

Great Ramses!

How dare he do that in my house?!

-Intolerable!
-Stop!

Free pie for the birthday girl!

Pay Bassy on your way out.

Why did he say it's my birthday?

'Cause it's your birthday.

Where did you get that stupid idea?

MILO: What are you talkin' about?

You got the fancy birthday hat,

the pretty birthday sash
that says "birthday girl."

I'd say it's your birthday.

Oh my gosh!

I thought I was dressed as a baker!

I'm really into baking right now

and I wanted everyone
to think I was a baker.

You know, dress the part,
dreams come true.

But instead I dressed
like an idiot birthday clam?!

Ahh! Oh gosh!

If people thought it was my birthday,

I'd be so embarrassed
and I'd just wanna die!

Oh please, Milo, tell me

does anyone else think it's my birthday?

Of course not, baby.

Phew, that's a relief.

I'm gonna go celebrate
by baking a muffin at my home.

Home?

[ALL CLAMORING]

CLAMANTHA’S MOTHER: Cake, check!

It's perfect!

-[CELL PHONE RINGS]
-MILO: Bea!

Stop the party.

It's not Clamantha's birthday!

But she was wearing a birthday suit.

She thought she was a baker!
No time to explain.

She'll be super embarrassed

if she gets home and sees you
throwing her a birthday party!

Oh, by the way, she's almost home.

Hide it, Bea! Hide it all!

-Oh my gosh.
-Oh my gosh.

Emergency girl talk! I messed up!

It's not really Clamantha's birthday!

[GRUNTS]

Everybody! Everybody, leave...
[YELLS] ...now!

I'm not leaving.

It took me six months to get here.

-No, it didn't.
-Yuh-huh, in clam months.

Don't you speak
to my son-in-law like that!

Ugh. Those two have been
at each other's fins all day.

[GASPS] Idea.
I know how to make them all leave.

Hey, who's the wise guy?

Nice throw, Geo!

How dare you?

This is my house!

Ooh, I didn't do anything!

I've been nothing
but a perfect houseguest.

Ow!

Nobody spits pearls at my husband but me!

Pearl fight!

[ALL CLAMORING]

[SHRIEKS] This family's crazy!

Shell damage! [YELLS] Everybody out!

This is my house!

Get back in your shell!

And stay out!

But we look forward to seeing you
for the holidays.

And Geoduck,
bring that tasty cranberry log.

I love that log!

[SIGHS] We did it.

Yeah, we did it!

What'd we do?

Oh my gosh, Clamantha.

-Uh...
-What are you doing in my house?

-Uh...
-Is that a birthday cake?

Oh my gosh, my worst fear came true!

Everyone thinks
I'm an idiot birthday clam!

-[WAILING]
-Clamantha, no, don't cry.

It's not a birthday cake.

It's... it's not?

Nah, baby.
See, we knew you liked baking so much,

-we baked you a...
-[WHIMPERS]

Is it s... s... safe to come out?

An Oscar cake! You baked me an Oscar cake!

You guys are the best. Thanks, friends.

Mmm. C'mere, you big hunk o' manfish!

[BOTH SCREAM]

Hey Mouse, you'll never guess
what's in my pack thingy.

I sure won't.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]