03x04 - Kind to Kittens/Laugh in a Can

[bunniefuu]

-[Garfield snoring]
-[alarm rings]

[upbeat theme music playing]

-[Garfield] Hee!
-[remote clicks]

[whimsical music playing]

[sirens wailing]

-[exclaiming]
-[boy laughs]

[sirens continue]

There it is up ahead. Pull over.

[tires screech]

Thanks. I was almost late for my lunch.

Mayor Grafton.
I have a few questions for you.

Is it true you stole millions
from the city?

Yeah, well, I was never good in math.

And that you sold City Hall
to a foreign country?

Actually, it was more like a rental.

And that you take bribes, you cheat,
you lie every chance you get?

Well, if you're gonna quibble
over every little thing--

Well, can you name one decent,
helpful thing you have done as mayor?

[scoffs]

Oh, there are so many,
it's hard to pick just one.

Here you go, my little pussycat.

A dozen pizzas, none with the anchovies.

Ah, perfect.

All right, Odie, mush.

-Or mozzarella or something.
-[yips]

-We'll be back later for dinner.
-[Vito] Oh, yes.

I may need to rent a truck.

[whimpering]

What do you mean, you can't pull a truck?

Oh, how I love being so nice
to a cute little pussycat.

Hey, Mayor Grafton! Your Honor!

You should pass a law against people
not being nice to kitty cats.

Huh? Oh yes! Yes, yes.

Uh, that's my new law!

A law against…

[in Italian accent]
…people not being nice to pussycats.

Kitty cats? Oh, Mayor, you're wonderful.

And there could even be
some money in this.

Here's your sandwich, Garfield.
Remember our deal.

I make you sandwiches,
you take the trash out.

[Garfield exclaims]

Ah, another mystery sandwich by Arbuckle.

The only man in the world
who puts mayonnaise on salad dressing.

[shouting on TV]

Yeah. I called you reporters here today
to announce a new law I've signed.

[crowd shouting questions]

Yeah.

It's a law that requires people

to be extra nice to kitty cats.

[all] Kitty cats?

Aw.

Anyone who isn't nice to a cat
will get a ticket and have to pay a fine.

Oh.

I like this law.

Yes. And to collect these fines,

I've called upon
our city's official mad scientist,

Professor Bonkers.

Yes. I have developed a new invention
to handle the giving out of tickets.

[zapping]

The Bionic Ticket Dispenser.

-[whirring]
-[sirens wailing]

They are robots programmed to detect
when people are not nice to cats.

[sirens wailing]

They will identify such people
and fine them accordingly.

I'll make a fortu--

I mean, uh, the city will collect fines
from lawbreakers and, best of all,

everyone will be nice to kitty cats.

[all] Kitty cats?

Aw.

That's nice, Garfield,
but you still have to take the trash out.

I don't do that kind of work anymore.

Garfield, you come right back here
and take the trash out or else!

[siren wailing]

[in robotic voice]
Ordering cat to do manual labor.

Twenty-five dollar fine.

[dramatic music playing]

Garfield!

[cheerful music playing]

This is gonna be great.

♪ La la la la ♪

[moaning] Hungry.

Very hungry.

Oh.

Gee, cat, are you hungry?

Oh, moan. Agony!

My whole life is flashing before me,
and it's a rerun from last season.

Bye-bye.

Oh, you poor animal.
I'm going to get you something to eat.

Maybe some dry cat food
or canned artificial meat.

How about some pork fried dumplings
or maybe some beef chop suey?

Chinese food?

Nothing on Earth
could make me buy you Chinese food!

[siren wailing]

[in robotic voice]
Refusing to feed
starving cat. Fifty dollar fine.

I will be back in ten minutes.

[phone beeps]

-Hello? Pagoda Palace?
-[high-pitched voice]

I'd like to have an order delivered.

Crispy noodles. I want crispy noodles.

Mmm.

I should have gotten
the moo goo gai pan with extra goo.

[Garfield gasps]

Dessert!

-[Garfield crying]
-Huh?

[crying]

[siren wailing]

[in robotic voice]
Taking ice cream
from kitten. Fifty dollar fine.

But I didn't-- I mean, I wouldn't--

[siren wailing]

[in robotic voice]
And I am fining you
another fifty for that ugly dress.

Ah!
My favorite all-you-can-eat restaurant!

[lively music playing]

[man] No, no, no!
That cat is not coming in here again.

I had to declare bankruptcy
the last three times.

[in robotic voice]
Kicking cat out
of all-you-can-eat restaurant.

One hundred dollar fine.

[groans]

[Garfield clears throat]

-Shh.
-[siren wailing]

[all shouting]

Hee-hee.

[Garfield clears throat]

[dog growling]

-[siren wailing]
-[dog whimpering]

-[siren wailing]
-[grunts]

Oh, this is great.

Nobody dares not do as I wish.

Get away from me, cat!
I don't wanna get a ticket!

[screams] Stay away from me, cat!

[crowd screaming]

Gee, everyone's afraid
they'll get a ticket if they're around me.

Can't say I blame them.

Hey, Garfield, isn't it cool?
Nobody's mean to us.

I mean, people aren't usually mean to me
'cause I'm so adorable.

Just what I don't need today. Nermal.

But they're mean to you 'cause you're not.

[growling]

Garfield! No! Don't! No, no! Not again!

[Nermal] Let me guess. Abu Dhabi?

Correctamundo!

And for guessing correctly,

you have won
an all-expense paid vacation to…

Abu Dhabi!

Yoo-hoo! Whoa!

Help!

Send this the slowest,
bumpiest way you've got.

[siren wailing]

[in robotic voice]
Mailing kitten
to Abu Dhabi. $ fine.

-Five hundred dollars?
-[Nermal gasps]

[in robotic voice]
Make it six because he's so cute.

See? Robots know.

[crowd screaming]

No. Nobody will ever come near me.

Not even the pizza delivery boys.

And I have to be nice to Nermal.

I have to get that law changed.

[panting] City Hall.

This is where the mayor has his office.

[panting]

Sorry. [buzzer]
No one allowed inside without a pass.

Help! Meow!

He's being mean to a cat!

The security guard is being mean to a cat!

-Meow!
-[spluttering]

-Go on in.
-Thank you.

Huh? [screams]

[man] Ooh! Aah!

Aah!

Oh my…

Oh.

[panting]

Best idea I ever had, Sam.

The robots are collecting tons.

And I wouldn't be surprised
if most of it wound up in my pocket.

If you know what I mean.

I have a whole plan I drew up here
about how I'm going to steal it all.

Hey!

I bet people
would really like to read this.

Hey! You give me that back!

I'll-- I'll call you later, Sam.

[Garfield grunting]

[lively music playing]

How dare you steal my plan about stealing!

Whoa!

-[Garfield laughs]
-Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

[crash]

[cuckoo sounds]

Just when you're trying to read,
someone's always interrupting.

[lively music continues]

[roaring]

[Garfield laughing]

[car horns honking]

Boy, he's very, very crooked.

You've caused
too much trouble for me, cat.

I'm gonna take care of you.

[siren wailing]

[in robotic voice]
Mistreating overweight cat. $ fine.

Grabbing portly pussycat. $ fine.

Threatening pussycat. $ fine.

Yelling at feline. $ fine.

I'm not paying any of these stupid fines!

Besides,
I'm stealing all the money anyway.

This was all my scheme
to swindle people and…

[spluttering]

[nervous laughter]

Makeup, please.

I'm thinking this would not be a good time
to plan your reelection campaign.

[acoustic guitar music playing]

[reporter on TV]
And thanks to a financial plan

found in his possession,

Mayor Grafton has been arrested
and charged with being very, very crooked.

Told you he was.

-Nice work, Garfield.
-[Odie barks]

I wonder what's going to happen
to those ticket robots.

-[munching]
-[Odie whimpers]

I've arranged to have them reprogrammed
to do something about your sandwiches.

[siren wailing]
Too much mustard
on sandwich. $ fine.

Corned beef too thin. $ fine.

No pickle. $ fine.

Cheating the city out of millions…
[chewing]

…that's wrong.

But making bad sandwiches?

That's really a crime.

[whimsical music playing]

[cheerful music playing]

Garfield! Breakfast is ready!

[laughter]

-While you eat, I'll go to the market.
-[laughter]

Did I hear someone laughing?

-I made you pancakes.
-[laughter]

Whoa!

Something is seriously wrong here.

You can tell because I'm not eating.

[laughter, applause]

[panting]

Odie! What's going on here?

[whimpers]

[laughter]

All right.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Here. Either eat these
or bury them in the backyard.

[director] Oh no.

Where's the boss?

He's in his office.
But we haven't finished the scene.

Later.

-[director] All right. Take five!
-[bell rings]

[guide] Behind this door is the studio
where we film
The Garfield Show.

How many people here watch
The Garfield Show?
Show of hands.

[exclaiming]

Oh yeah. I've seen that show.

I like the dog.
You know, the one with the tongue.

-The tongue?
-One side. No autographs.

[dramatic music playing]

It's very simple.
We've given your show a laugh track.

"Laugh track"?

That's right.
We do it in television all the time.

We add in recorded laughter and applause.

It makes the show seem…

well, more deserving
of laughter and applause.

Isn't that cheating?

Uh, we like to think of it
as enhancing reality.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Here's a comedian we recently had
on one of our shows.

[laughs]

No, but I wanna tell you.
A man walks into a doctor's office.

He says, "Hey, Doc,
it hurts when I do this."

The doctor says, "Well, don't do that."

Huh?

[yawning]

Not too humorous.

But watch what happens
when we add the laugh track.

A man walks into a doctor's office.

He says, "Hey, Doc,
it hurts when I do this."

The doctor says, "Well, don't do that!"

[laughter]

[Garfield sighs]

[laughing]

Wouldn't it be easier
just to make the show funny?

Uh, let's get one thing straight,
Garfield.

We don't tell you how to eat lasagna
and annoy puppies.

You don't tell us how to run a TV show.
All right?

[nervously agreeing]

Let me introduce you to Rosie.

"Rosie?"

Rosie. Right in here.

Hello, Rosie.

Hi, boss.

Wait, here's some applause for you.

[applause]

[Garfield] Huh?

And I believe you know our star,

Garfield Cat.

Garfield. Here's some applause for you.

[booing]

-Oops! Wrong button, sorry.
-[applause]

Rosie adds in all the laughter, applause,
and even sound effects for the show.

I sure do.

[various sound effects]

Great, huh?

I don't approve of putting
phony laughter and applause on my show.

But if you do, make sure
I get more of it than anyone else.

The episode we're doing today,

it wouldn't happen to have Nermal in it,
by any chance?

-Uh, let me see…
-[Garfield gasps]

Why, yes. Nermal is guest-starring.

Oh, I love Nermal.

He's my absolute favorite.

Uh, I guess I was kind of rude
to that tour group I passed earlier.

I'll make it up 'em.

I apologize, folks.

Whip out your autograph books
and any x glossies

you carry around of me.

I'll be glad to sign them.

[guide]
Now, the next stop on our tour is--

Oh, look who's coming. Nermal!

[dramatic music playing]

Sorry, my public. No autographs!

Well, maybe one or two

or .

[gasps]

-I just love him on that show he's on--
-That's my show.

-I'm sorry?
-The show Nermal's on.

That's
The Garfield Show,
and I'm Garfield.

I'm the star of that show.

Uh, funny. I watch it all the time.
I just don't recall seeing
you
on it.

Aargh!

Ready to roll again, G.C.?

Get the dog, and let's resume.

[bell rings]

-I need Odie on the set.
-[feedback]

Oh, and there's a big slurp in this scene,
so he'll need tongue makeup.

[director]
Garfield Show,
Show ,
episode entitled "Laugh in a Can."

Take two.

Mmm.

And we're rolling. Action!

Aah…

[grunts]

Line!

"Something is seriously wrong here.
You can tell because I'm not eating."

Oh, right.

Something is seriously wrong here.
You can tell because I'm not eating.

[applause]

[groans]

Hi, Odie. Ready for breakfast?

[Odie barking]

[laughter]

[Garfield exclaiming]

[laughter, applause]

We'll have to wait until Jon gets back
from the market. I'll be napping.

-[doorbell]
-[clears throat]

Here comes Nermal's scene.
I'll give him a big entrance.

-[Nermal laughing]
-[loud applause]

That's enough, Rosie!

Well, look who's here.

That's right, Garfield. It's me.

Nermal, the most adorable feline
on this planet.

[applause continues]

I can't take this.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You're beautiful.
Not as beautiful as I am.

But beautiful in your own way.

-[applause]
-[door slams shut]

-[laughter]
-[chicken clucking]

This has got to stop.

And I think I know how
to make that happen.

[panting] Hey, Rosie!
The boss wants to see you right away.

But I'm putting in laughs and applause
on this episode.

I'll handle that for you
while you go see him.

Oh. All right.

[Nermal]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And now,
since I seem to have the show to myself,

I thought I'd sing a little song.

[booing]

All right, all right. Settle down.
Settle down. I don't have to sing.

I could do a little dance number for ya.

-[cows mooing]
-
What?

-[ducks quacking]
-Huh?

[dance music playing]

Dance number, huh?
Well then, you'll need a little music.

-[Nermal gasps]
-[classical music playing]

A little slow, don't you think?

[music speeds up]

[laughing]

[Nermal exclaiming]

[music speeds up]

[laughing]

[gasps]

Hi, boss.

[exclaiming]

[music speeds up]

[sighs]

[Nermal exclaiming]

[laughing]

[music stops]

[laughing]

[laughter]

Boss?

I know when I'm not wanted.

Since when?

[sirens wailing]

What's goin' on?

[man over speakers]
All right. We know you're in there.

Come out with your hands up.

My hands up? No!

No!

[Nermal] Hiding place!
I need a hiding place!

They'll never find me under here.

[cows mooing]

That sounds like…
A stampede of cattle? In here?

[laughs]

[Nermal screaming]

Now it's grizzly bears!

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

[screaming]

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

What does this one do?

"Sound of left-handed zombie pigeons
attacking with ray blasters

from the planet Tralfazz."

Hey, why not?

[panicked] Left-handed zombie pigeons
attacking with ray blasters

from planet Tralfazz!

I'd know that sound anywhere!

Help! Help! Left-handed zombie pigeons
with ray blasters

from planet Tralfazz! Help!

Save my adorable self! Help!

[laughing]

Garfield! What are you doing
at my laugh machine?

And, Rosie!
What are you doing leaving your post?

But I didn't. He said that you asked me--

No excuses. No excuses. You're fired.

And take that stupid machine with you.

After this, I don't wanna see any more
canned laughter on
The Garfield Show.

Guess I got you fired?

Oh, it's my fault.
I wasn't doing my work properly.

Now, the question is,
where do I find a new job?

-[Odie whimpers]
-Rosie got fired.

[whines]

Odie, she got fired,
and it's all my fault.

-I tricked her into leaving her post.
-[whines]

I may just know a good place
for you and that machine…

Good evening.
This is the news at this hour.

-Unemployment is reaching new heights.
-[laughter]

[applause]

The air we breathe
is worse than it has ever been…

[laughter, applause]

…and scientists say
the Earth is hurtling towards the sun.

[laughter]

Now, the news.
There's something that needs laughter.

[Odie yips]

Hey, Rosie. How about some applause
to end this cartoon?

[laughing]

Coming right up.

[cheering, applause]

Won't you join me in a bow, Odie?

[barks]

[cheering]

Thank you!
You're a beautiful recorded audience.

Thank you! Thank you!

[applause]

[upbeat theme music playing]