17x09 - Assistantbury

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

Well, well, well.

Ooh! Oh, no, no!

Yes!
SHE SCREAMS

SHE HISSES

Erm...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Christ. Whoo! Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby. OK.

Oh, my God!

THEY EXCLAIM

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hello! Hello again.

Welcome to Taskmaster!

Or, as it's referred
to in North Korea,

a correction facility for
enemies of the state.

Our five remain unbroken,

but I'm yet to use my
full body weight.

Let the games continue,

and, for the penultimate time,
please welcome

Joanne McNally...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..John Robins...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Nick Mohammed...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Sophie Willan...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..and Steve Pemberton!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And next to me, a man who says
that the mothers at

the gate of his children's school

are a duplicitous gaggle
of witches...

LAUGHTER

MUMBLED, HIGH-PITCHED:
..it's little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I don't remember that.
I don't...

No, that doesn't sound like me.

Task time, then, is it?

Hmm, it's Prize Task time. Yes.

Yes, and this week,
they've brought in

the most splendid spherical thing.

ALL: Ooh!

We're looking for a
solid all-rounder,

and Greg will give 5 points for

the most splendid spherical thing.

The winner of the episode will
take home five splendid spheres,

or a handful of brilliant ba*ls,

or just under half a dozen
cracking orbs.

Right, Steve, hello.

What's your splendid
spherical thing?

The most splendid spherical thing
I wanted to bring you

was the moon.

Obviously I couldn't do that,

so I made you one.

Made me the moon.
I made a moon.

This is Steve making the moon.

I made it myself in my
own back garden.

And, er, then,
over the course of a weekend,

transformed it into this.

Wonderful moon.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's a bit of a blue moon.

LAUGHTER

It's spectacular, Steve. Yeah.

And these craters were created
obviously by gas erupting through...

LAUGHTER
Oh! He saw through the science.

Yeah. I mean, Steve,
I'm speechless.

If I'd have 1,000 guesses,
I wouldn't have got to you

doing an arse-laden moon.

Yes, so do you recognise
the specificity of

the mooning in the crater?

It is me. It was taken
by Sam Campbell, there we are.

LAUGHTER

Well done, Steve.

That's going to take
some beating, I tell you.

And I'm not a betting man,

but I know the woman
least likely to beat it.

Or am I wrong?

I've got a mystic ball.

You've got one of them, haven't you?
Got two, two. Oh!

I've just, in my head, said,
"Will Nick win Taskmaster?"

It says "very likely".

So, it's broken.
LAUGHTER

"Will Greg find love?"

Will Greg find love?
"Cannot foretell - but no."

"Cannot foretell - but no."

You've added the "no," yeah?

I added the "no,"
it felt more appropriate.

My niece has got one of those.

They're good, aren't they? Yeah.

John. Greg, you and I are
both childless men.

And, er... Thank you.

Nice to know I'll never find love...

..and to be reminded that
the line stops with me.

I see that as a positive that
affords us certain luxuries.

Correct.

So, I have brought you

a giant honeycomb ball covered
in chocolate.

LAUGHTER

I have a very specific technique

with the honeycomb ba*ls
covered in chocolate.

I'll pop some coffee in my mouth.

Then I'll pop the sphere in.

And I'll allow the coffee to melt
through to the honeycomb. Ohh.

And I've already thought,
looking at that,

I'll have to chuck
a cup of coffee on there.

You could slice the top off,
pour the coffee in, and then...

God. ..suck it out.

LAUGHTER

Keep talking,
you silver-tongued devil.

Nick. Hi, Greg.

I would say I'm somewhere between
Sophie and John.

In terms of quality.

In terms of quality. OK.

But, yeah, but I...
LAUGHTER

..I have bought in bath pearls.

Ohh!

Here they are.
Absolutely wonderful.

Very big in the '80s.

I think peaked in the '90s.
Pbbt!

No, no, no, hang on. Hang on Greg.
Honest to God, gut instinct?

I think this is going to do
worse than Sophie. Worse.

Tell you the reason why I love them.

It's a very specific memory
from childhood,

but in my mum and dad's house,

there was a little room which was
called the spare room.

Ooh, that's an interesting
name for it.

And at Christmas-time, Mum and Dad
would, like, kind of get ahead,

and they'd wrap up some presents

and it always used to smell of
bath pearls that room. Ah.

SOPHIE: Is that it?
That's it.

LAUGHTER

Joanne. I honestly don't think
I can follow bath pearls.

You can.

So, my present this week,
it's a globe bar.

I mean, I know you like a drink.
I like a drink.

Why not get pissed on top
of the world?

And then, vomit on Wales,
or whatever you like to do.

We're talking about me here, yeah?
Well, yeah whatever.

OK, yeah, yeah. We could put
a woman in it, if you like.

That'd be interesting.

Nick in a wig.

LAUGHTER

I'll do that.

He'll pop out for your birthday.
Yeah, I mean it...

..it does make the prize more
exciting to me... Does it?

..if I opened it to get myself a
drink, and Nick was in there. Yeah!

With some bath pearls.
With some bath pearls.

OK. You ready?
Five splendid spheres.

Yes, oh, pointing already. Yeah.

I'm sorry Nick, 1 point for
your rubbish bath pearls.

That's all right. Er, you'll take




I mean, you can't have thought
you'd get 3 for that tat. What?!

I thought it was going to win it.

I was so confident with that.

I've brought a bar, like,
what do you want?!

LAUGHTER

JOHN: He wants the moon.
He wants the moon!

I do want the moon.

APPLAUSE

Obviously, John's mega
chocolate-covered honeycomb ball

will take 4 points.
Lovely, well done, John.

And, you know, who could deny
him 5 points?

Well done, Steve Pemberton.
There it is.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, what's first Alex?

Well, I just can't believe
it's that time of year again.

It's the greatest day in
the Gregorian Davies calendar.

This one's for the little guys.

NICK: Right.

Hello. Hi, hi.
Welcome to my flexible work space.

Oh, right.

Oh, smells nice in here.

Sort of smells like
a National Trust...something.

This is where I stay.

This is where the magic
doesn't happen.

Sometimes happens.

Sure.

Is this is where you live?

And this is me. That's very sweet.

You've got a calendar out. Hmm.

Oh, that's sad, isn't it? Asleep.

Asleep by a tree. Yeah.

"Create a new tradition
to celebrate Assistant's...Day.

"Most notable new tradition wins.

"You must demonstrate your
tradition in the next 30 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

Guy Fawkes has his fireworks,
doesn't he? He does.

People like me don't have
anything at the moment.

No, you don't, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

What day is Assistant's Day?

Look in the calendar.

Ah! April the 20th.

There is an Assistant's Day,

an official Professional
Administrative's Day.

Right, well, this is going
to help us a little bit. Yeah.

Oh! Christ. It's my fault.

Yeah, it's OK.

I feel like Assistant's Day is
for one day you are the assisted.

So, you'll help me.

HE LAUGHS

There was a man called Butch...
Yeah. ..who broke this table.

Really? Yeah. OK.

Big guy.

Trying to think about you -
you've got your beard.

You've got your clipboard.

Personality.

You've got a great personality.

Erm...
LAUGHTER

Might have a little walk
and a little think. Mm-hm.

Everybody who comes on
the show and who meets Alex

says what a nice guy he is,

but I hope this task that he's set,

once and for all, reveals what
a disgusting egomaniac,

and what an absolute
narcissist he is. Hmm.

Erm, but I'm happy to let you
have your moment.

Assistant's Day it is.
Thanks, Greg.

Let's crack on. OK.

First to celebrate Assistant's Day
are Soph' and Stev'.

Here we go.

SOPHIE: Right. So, what I've got
is like a-a song that,

on Assistant Day, people sing.

So, nobody's got a choice.

You could even start, and Greg'd
have to join in. Anybody.

STEVE GROANS

Steve! Hey! How are you?

Not bad. Good seeing you.

April the 20th, innit?

April 20th today, yeah.

One, two, three, go.

BOTH: # Tick that box,
cross off the list.

# Doo-de-lu-do,
Doo-de-lu-do

# Assistant's Day! #

Oh...oh, no.

Happy Assistant's Day.
Hey, speaking of which,

you know what we've got to do on


The tradition.
Right, you ready for it, then?

I'm ready, I love it.
You got it? I've got it.

BOTH GROAN

BOTH: # On Assistant's Day,
we shout hooray!

# We drink a toast to
helping folk... #

Ah!

Hey! Ah!

See you next year? Yeah,
I'll see you at Assistantbury.

Bye-bye. Take care.

Thanks, Sophie.
Thanks for the song.

# Doo-de-lu-do, doo-de-lu-do

BOTH: # Assistant's Day! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I imagine there are
PAs across the land

screaming into their hands.

That's just the song.

Er, assistants get
to sing that song?

# Tick that box, check off the list

# Doo-de-lu-do... #
Yeah, yeah, we saw it.

LAUGHTER

It's a reminder of
how busy they are.

Right. Is it something
you'd enjoy doing?

I did enjoy doing it.
On once a year? Yeah.

For ten seconds?

Both of those things
made me very happy.

I think great minds think alike.

Yeah? I think it's what kicks off
Assistant's Day.

Hmm. What, a forward roll
with a glass of water

in your f*cking hand?Yes!
LAUGHTER

You did promise me you knew the
trick where you could do a roly poly

and keep the glass of water full.
Yes, I did.

Neither of us could do that.
No, no.

My God. What a terrible start.

Right, well, that's
the end of part one...

And there'll be more Assistant's Day
celebrations coming up in part two.

Thanks, guys. Lovely to...

Ahh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hello! And welcome to Taskmaster,

where, for some grim, vain reason,

we're celebrating the man
next to me.

Not satisfied with flogging the
format around the world, are you?!

# Doo-de-lu-do, doo-de-lu-do,
Assistant's Day! #

Now it's time for some more admin
adulation with John and Joanne.

What an assistant loves more than
anything else on earth is paper.

It's your photocopier,
it's your printer,

it's your to-do list.

So, come with me, Alex,
we're going to make you your

Assistant's Day paper suit.
Great.

So, you're going to just going
to chill out today,

and enjoy your Assistant's Day.

Just make sure you don't
try and assist,

cos that is your natural way. OK.

We're going to go and say
"no" to the bad man.

R...Right.

Shoulder to elbow, please.


Mm-hm.

Just need to sew these together.

There we go.

Here he is, OK.

Repeat after me. "No!"

No!

"I'm my own man today."

I'm a m... I am a...

"Own man."

I am my own man today.

"Not today, Satan."

Come on, it's your day.

Not today, Satan!

Good boy. Yeah?
You're doing so well today.

Er, and we'll do this every...

Once a year. ..once a year.

Now, you'll have to assist me
a bit while you're in the pram,

cos it's - you're heavy.
Is it a pram?

Yes, of course it's a pram.
What else is it?

I thought it was a regal trolley.

To-may-to, tom-ah-ato.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

No!

"No!" No!

"No assisting today, it's my day!"

No! But you are going to have
to get me my lunch though.

Oh, really? Yeah.

You want it now? Yeah.

Would you...?
You wait there, I'll get the menus.

W-Will you help me out?

No.

Take a load off your boxes.
Cheers, John. Cheers.

Thank you so much.

I love Assistant's Day.

APPLAUSE

"Not today, Satan," yeah?

I mean, I sort of get -
I get the logic.

Why should they have to walk
on that special day?

Exactly, and Alex is,

he-he assists, he's assist...
he's assistable...

Ah? He-He's assisting by nature.

Is this a remix?

SHE MIMICKS

His natural way is to
assist and help.

Love it, yeah. So, the only way
to stop him assisting is to...

..put him in a pram.
I like the empowerment.

You were getting him to shouting...
Yeah. ..sort of...

He was asserting himself.
Hmm. Yeah.

I did enjoy it.
I felt quite emboldened.

Did you? He did. "No!"

You looked like a
helpless adult in a trolley.

John, I would like to celebrate
your tailoring skills.

It's an amazing paper suit.

My question is,
have I missed a metaphor?

Er, outside of, it's an assistant
who's covered in paper?

For Assistant's Day... Yeah.

..assistants get to dress in their
favourite thing, which is paper.

Is it? Yes.
LAUGHTER

Because they love paper.

Also, I didn't want to...
But, yeah...

I think the basis of
your celebration is that

all assistants love paper.

Yeah, big time.

Have you seen this guy's
dressing room?

It's like a hamster's cage.

LAUGHTER

I just think it's going to depress
assistants. # Doo-de-lu-do. #

Who's next? It's Nick Mohammed.

How are you? Well, I'm great,
cos it's Assistant's Day.

It is, it's Assistant's Day
so here we go.

Well, this is sort of specifically
for you, but also,

for assistants sort of everywhere.

You ready?

Ha-ha! OK.

HE PLAYS A GENTLE BALLAD
NICK HUMS ALONG

# He assists us and helps us

# He's persistent and selfless

# He's Alex Horne

# He is quite tall

# A welcome thorn in all our sides

# Not just there for the ride,
he is there by your side

# When things get tough,
when things get weird

# He's always there with
his nice beard

# But this is a song
for assistants worldwide

# For their endless assistance
to all humankind

# An assistant's existence
should not be downplayed

# So on this day,
let's celebrate and appreciate

# and ruminate on Assistant's Day,
Assistant's Day,

# Assistant's Day

# And specifical-lay Alex Horne... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

I feel like I took it
too seriously.

I think maybe I'm having
a breakdown, but I felt...

I-I felt quite emotional.

LAUGHTER

..cos I was just like this.

"Sing to me, Nick."

I thought it was really lovely,
Nick. Thanks, Greg.

And where do you imagine it
being played - at the beginning

of Assistant's Day, or is there
an event of some kind?

Ah, I think it's that kind of thing,
almost like in - at Christmas,

there's carols, so I think you can
sing it maybe up to the lead-up

to Assistant's Day.
Ooh, really?

And then, on the day itself.

And then, maybe the day after,
but not much after that. Oh, OK.

I-I guess on the day after,
it might start to grate. Yes.

I'll give some points out. OK.

We're saying Sophie 1 point -
and deservedly so, aren't we? Right.

I celebrated the assistant,
didn't humiliate the assistant.

Yeah, fine, you can have 2 points.
LAUGHTER

And you'll thank me for them.

Think I'm going to give
the paper suit 3 points.

I'm going to give Joanne 4,
but you know, I've been horrible

to him over the years, so...
Yeah. ..he should have one day off.

Thank you, Joanne.
It's not today, you prick.

LAUGHTER

Ah, and you know what?
What a hauntingly beautiful way

to start Assistant's Day, listening
to Nick's lovely, uplifting song.


Congratulations, Nick Mohammed!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can I have a scoreboard,
please, Alex?

Yes, and once again,
it's 7, 7, 7 at the top.

Joanne, John, and Steve
joint leaders.

APPLAUSE

Right! What have we got next,
then, Alex?

Well, this is a task where they all
participated in our progressive

aerobic cardiovascular endurance run
- and I'm not even joking.

Stop it, here we go!

Joanne McNally.

Alex...whatever.

Alex Horne.

Lovely to see you.

Absolutely love to see you, too.

John. Alex.

Right, ooh!
Oh, it jumped off, Sophie.

I know it's ready for me,
that's what it is.

Have you been up to much?

Erm, no, I've just been preparing
every possible outcome

for this task, so whatever it is,

I'm pretty sure I've already
thought of it.

NICK: Oh, here we go.
HE LAUGHS

"Peg a BLEEP sock.

"Bin a BLEEP sock.

"Then BLEEP...

"..don a BLEEP sock on
an BLEEP appendage.

"Then BLEEP don a BLEEP sock

"on a BLEEP appendage."

Peg, bin, don.

Peg, bin, don, is it?

SOPHIE: So, OK so I get that.

Throw one, one on the peg,
put one on my body.

"Each single BLEEP action must take
place between BLEEP bleeps."

"Most BLEEP bleeps damn wins."

Sounds like my mother.

"Your BLEEP time BLEEP well
starts when the BLEEP bleeps start

"and BLEEP ends when you miss
a BLEEP bleep."

It's really fun to do that,
in't it?

To warn you, the bleeps will start
far apart, but they'll get closer.

Oh, like the bleep test at school?

It's like the bleep test at school.

"Your time starts when
the bleeps start,

"and ends when you miss a bleep."

Peg. Bin.

And then, don.

Does that make sense?

Er, not really.

Let the bleeps commence! Oh, God.

APPLAUSE

Tell me about the bleep test
at school, Nick, what was that?

When you all sat down at the -
one end of the sports hall,

and they do a bleep, and then,
you run to the other end.

Then you've gotta run back before
the sound of the next bleep.

Am I the only one who hasn't done
the bleep test?

Then they speed up, then they do...
You've all done the bleep test.

CROWD: Yes.
Sorry. Right.

I haven't done a bleep test, Greg.
Ah, I see. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I-I see what's happening here, yes.

Of course, our version of that
was we used to ride

a penny farthing to school.

There is one more thing
I want to say.

IN FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: Appendage.

IN FRENCH PRONUNCIATION:
Appendage. Appendage.

I'm appalled at myself.

I've a degree in English,
how embarrassing.

First up, it's John and Nick.

IN FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: Appendage!

Peg, bin, don.

May the bleeps commence.

Will they be...?
BLEEP

Oh, that's a bleep. OK.
So, peg a bleep.

Don't peg a bleep.

No, I won't.

Ah!

Oh, you've tied it to
the sodding thing!

Is there a key for that?

You've done one, peg.

I'm going to take off the cloak.

BLEEP
Oh, that was a bleep.

There's gotta be a key for
that bin somewhere.

I expect so, yeah.

Over the shoe. Lovely.

What's your system here, Nick?

There and back, there and back.
Yeah, lovely.

You've pegged and you've binned,
and you've donned.

Peg, bin, don.

Now what I'm thinking is...
just move everything a bit closer.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, I see.

BLEEP

BLEEP

Have you found the key?
Yeah, I've found the key.

Must be before the next bleep.

That's on.
BLEEP

Just in time there, Nick.
It was on.

BLEEP
f*ck.

Peg, bin, don.

Oh, there's a key on it!

Don.

Peg, bin, don.

Peg is next.

Pegs.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER
Oh!

Oh, did you miss one? Oh.

You covered a lot of ground there.
Whoo! Whoo!

Peg.

Bin.

Don.

Peg. Bin.

Don.

BUZZER
Ah, I missed the beep.Oh.

Bye John.

APPLAUSE

It's quite incredible how
seriously you take some things.

Even I started to think it was
a f*cking sport. Oh, hello.

Well, when you've been playing peg,
bin, don as long I have... Yeah.

..you just want to try it in
different terrains, different, er,

weather conditions and stuff.
It was a nice day.

The wind was in a good place for me.

LAUGHTER
Erm...sun was shining.

This is a great post-match
interview, I'm really enjoying it.

Nick, I did write down
that you take defeat well.

Oh, thank you. Something, innit?

I genuinely believe
that you learn a lot more

from failure than success. Yeah.
But which do you prefer?

LAUGHTER

LOUDLY SMACKS LIPS

What's that?

That's me savouring success.

Oh. Just how I do it.

What about when you fail?

Pbbbbt! Er...

Don't know why I did that.
Is that me sh1tting?

LAUGHTER

Is that me pooing myself?
I just had a real out-of-body

experience where I just
realised I was doing that,

and it was being filmed.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I think, maybe all the sarcastic
things I've said to you

have built up, and that was
the release. Yeah. Came out.

Right, that's the end of part two.

Alex, please, would you perform
a haiku for everybody?

Coo!

Comedy! Comedy!

Hello there!

Welcome to the third part of
the show, where there's

an old-school bleep test under way.

Big time. Yes, they've got to
peg a sock, bin a sock,

then don a sock on an appendage.

Each action taking place
between the bleeps.

So, let's see how Sophie
and Joanne got on.

So, it's peg first. Good.

Peg a sock. Yeah.

It doesn't say peg to the line.
Sure it doesn't.

Oh! Thinking outside the box.

Oh, so you've just pegged it, OK.

Do you think binning means
putting it in a bin,

or are you just going to bin?

I thought "bin it"
as in "get rid of it". Fine.

Is that...? It's up to you.

Oh, I have it!

I'm bringing them all to
the same place.

Right.

An ear's an appendage, isn't it?

That's an appendage.
Yeah, lovely. Lovely appendage.

Oh, no! Oh. You...

What have you done to my basket?
Sorry.

Cool. Are you happy with
your technique?

Oh. Lovely.

Right.

Very casual.

It's very casual, isn't it?

We could have brunch.

Lovely. Thank you. Peg.

So, you're saying
the head is an appendage.

Yeah, it's a head, in't it? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

An appendage is just something
that you might stick

a plaster on, in't it?

Which is a head.

In my case.

Oh, f*ck.

This is the sportiest thing
I've ever done, so...

Oh, Jesus.

BLEEP

BUZZER
Uh-oh!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Appendage.

God, it's really complicated.

Peg. Yeah, you've gotta be
quick now. Right, sh.

Sorry. Sorry. Oh, no.

BUZZER
Peg. Ah no, I lost my peg!

Oh, no. Ah.

It's intense, that, weren't it?
Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Joanne's having a blinder today,
in't she? Oh, yeah.

It's the first task that
I've kind of read between

the lines of the task.

Yeah. Now let's talk about the
definition of binning something.

LAUGHTER

Bin it off. You're the sort of
person who chucks crisp bags

out of your car, aren't you?

Yeah, I mean, binning can
mean get rid of.

Thank you. I got rid of 'em...

It can. Is the dictionary
definition "get rid of"?

Bin. To bin it off.

Get rid of? They're still existing.

Bin it! They're just behind her.

Bin it. I-I'm aware of
the casual use of "bin it".

I just don't whether I approve.

I think it's people like you
who are bringing our country down.

LAUGHTER
Who's next?

OK, finally, it's time to see
the multi-award-winning actor

and writer Steve Pemberton
in a different sort of light.

OK, come on.

Ohh, BLEEP!

Oh, orange peg for an orange sock.

Bonus point.

"Most bleeps wins" -
now I've got to bin a sock

before the next bleep.

After the next bleep!

So I, er, where's the bin?

There's a bin here.
You ready for your sock?

GRUFF VOICE: "Yes."

You hungry?
"I'm starving!"

You want a BLEEP sock?

"Yeah, gimme a BLEEP sock!"

You sure?
"Yeah! Gimme a BLEEP sock now!"

All right, you BLEEP, calm down!

"Stop being a BLEEP
and gimme a sock!"

Jesus. There's your sock.

Very rude bin.

OK, "Don a sock on an appendage."

So, I've already got one in my hand.

There we go.

GRUFF VOICE: "Mother BLEEP."

I hope I've done that right.

Have you finished?

BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP,
BLEEP, BLEEP...

..er, n*pples...
BLEEP

Yes, finished.

I don't know what I'm meant to do!

Well, all the information's
on the task, Steve.

I hope I've not made
a fool of myself.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I just heard "most bleeps wins".

There were loads of bleeps!

LAUGHTER

I think I should win.

S...

"Most bleeps wins."

So, your understanding of that task
was person who swears the most...

Yeah. I thought the socks were
a total irrelevance.

Right.

APPLAUSE

I mean, I'm happy to count
the swearing bleeps as bleeps.

Because it won't affect the scores.

LAUGHTER

What was your favourite
swear word you used?

Erm...

LAUGHTER

It's just a bit of fun,
what's your favourite swear word?

Jizz.

Lovely. Can I have some scores,
please?

Steve managed to generate
a total of 15 bleeps.

Nick, 22, Sophie, 30,

Joanne, 42 bleeps,

John, 43, so he gets the 5 points.
Ooh!

There we go, well done, John.
APPLAUSE

OK, and do you think we can have
one more task, Alex, please?

Mm-hm, it's time to go back
of head to the lab.

Huh?

Hello. Hello, Sophie.

Ha-ha! Short back and sides, please.

LOUDLY CLEARS HIS THROAT

Yes?
HE LAUGHS

That's how I enter.
That's how I usually enter a room.

Ah, I can see myself and
the back of my head.

Very rarely you get to see that.

Ah, yeah. The old task.

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

"Make" - it's written backwards.

Oh, no. God, that's hard, in't it?

"Heen, hoob...heeb."

That's an S, isn't it?

They look like As backwards on
this typewriter. They do.

"Need" - ooh. Oh, yeah.

"Bermar"...

Hold on a second here.

"Be ambumbur."

Something going on, in't there?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Right, er, "Make the back of your
head look like the front of a head."

"Make the na...

"Make the back of your neeb..."

What's a neeb?

NICK LAUGHS

"Make the back of your head
look like the front of your head.

"You may not just make a mask."

"You must demonstrate your new
front of head in action.

"Most characterful
back/front head wins."

Is there anything else in the room

that could help you read that,
do you think? Oh, my f...

That is a really good trick,
I have to say.

"You have 15 minutes.

"Your time starts...won."

Typo. Finally.

"Your time starts won."

It's "now" backwards.

"Most characterful back/front
head wins." All right.

So...I would imagine
it's a bit of yellow.

Oh, no, that's my precious.

Can you see my nostrils?

Biggest I've ever seen.

So, I - that's what the ketchup's
for, obviously. Uh-huh.

She's the kind of person
who listens to Gloria Gaynor.

Let's dive in.

What you thinking? Hello.

This is very...Blue Peter back
in the day, isn't it?

How old is she? She's about 50,

and been through the menopause.

She's on HRT.

Oh, God. I hate you for this.

Well, I'm very much looking forward
to meeting the lady who's into

Gloria Gaynor and is...menopausal.
LAUGHTER

You know that I am what I am,
she's had to accept herself.

Yeah, you've got to,
haven't you? Yeah.

Good, so we're doing some
back-of-the-head characters.

Yes, most characterful
back of head wins.

Let's start with Sophie
and Nick's characterful creations.

Hello, where's the party at?

Oh, hello, what -
oh, hello welcome to the party.

Yeah, I'm having a great time.

Don't know what your name is.
Er, Death.

Death, right. Hello, Death.

LAUGHTER

LIGHT, AIRY VOICE: Hello.

My name's Lesley,

and I'm ready for my song.

Hello, Lesley.

SOMBER PIANO PLAYS
# Ooh

# Ooh, ooh

# Ooh! Ooh... #

Ah, did you write
that yourself, Lesley?

It's about my divorce.

Oh, sorry to hear that. Yeah.

Did he leave you,
or did you leave...?

He left. He left.

It was hard. But I'm back.

I'm back.

Thanks for inviting me.

Pleasure, Death.

Oh, hang on my...
my straw's come out my mouth.

There we go.

There you go, that's all right!

Go, Lesley! You know?

Whoo! Whoo!

APPLAUSE

Did you feel there was some doubt
in your eyes when you said,

"That was all right"?

There was a touch of doubt.

I think I got really fixated on
the party blower thing.

But I loved the party blower thing.

So did I, but then,
that's the only thing it could do.

Not so.
The monocle swivelled into place.

That's true. There was a lot of
moving parts to that face.

I think I'm too into it. Yeah.

LAUGHTER
I'm all right with that.

Erm, is Lesley the middle-aged lady,

she was from Sesame Street?

I was just expecting something
a little bit more realistic.

I thought, "I'm going to get drawn
into a woman's struggle here."

You know, someone who's been
through something.

Yes. And then, there was just some
goon with a sheet and two big...

Two big boggle eyes cellotaped
to the back of her head.

I think you saw her, though,
didn't you? I saw her all right.

Lesley, she was there,
she was with you. She was there.

I enjoyed it, albeit low-scoring.

OK, I'll bear that in mind. OK.

That's three quarters of this
fine episode gone.

There's a massive chocolate ball
and a mooning moon up for grabs,

so hurry back. We'll see you soon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! It's the final
part of the show,

and there's still a task to
complete in the lab.

Yes, that's right,
our cast are trying to make

the back of their head look
like the front of a head.

Most characterful back/front
head wins.

Steve Pemberton
and Joanne McNally are next.

Oh, and here they come right now.

BOXING BELL DINGS
Put 'em up!

Put 'em up. Eh...

I'm undefeated in 18 fights, eh?

Floats like a battleship,
sings like a wasp!

So, go on,
he fell asleep on the plane.

You took his phone,
pointed to his face,

opened it, and went into his DMs.

IN ESSEX ACCENT:
"I went into his DMs.

"He's f*ck' cheating, in't he?
Some slag called Barbara,

"f*cking all over him!

"Sending naked photos
and everything,

"and he's asking for it!"

Come on, Alex.
I'm going to take you out.

Come on! Are you a man or
a mouse? Come on!

Oh, you want me to come
and fight you?

I want you to come and fight me!
Oh, I'd love to.

I can take you. Jab.

Are you a south paw? Er...

BLOW LANDS

Oh, yeah, oh, you got me
really good.

Ah! Yeah! I love you, Adrienne!

You're joking.
"f*ck' knew he was cheating."

f*cking knew it. When the
phone's face-down during dinner,

when they bring it to the toilet.
"That's it, innit?

"That's when I knew he was
mugging me off, didn't I?

"Eh? I'm ragin'!"

Oh!

APPLAUSE

When I first saw it, Steve,
and you going, "Urgh," I thought,

"He's lost his f*cking mind."
LAUGHTER

And then, I went,
"Cauliflower ears." Clever. Hmm.

It was all edible.
Orange peel tooth, banana nose.

Coffee pod eyes.
Coffee pod eyes. Ketchup.

Yeah, and that cauliflower stain,

that was turmeric cauliflower
which stained my hair for about

a fortnight afterwards.

And those elastic bands left
welts in my face,

that meant we had to delay filming
by quite some time

before they calmed down again.

Wow. Joanne, I mean I...
I hated that woman.

Yeah. I - so, I'm sorry to
the people of Essex.

I can't do accents. Do.
Oh. She was from Essex?

Yeah! Did you not hear?
I thought she was Welsh.

It was kind of -
it was a Gemma Collins character.

Yeah. Were there any rules
that Joanne broke?

No, the one rule was
you can't just make a mask.

But she didn't just make a mask.
It was far more creative.

OK, she wore it -
oh, it was very creative.

I loved the duality of flipping
between the two characters.

Felt quite serious all of
a sudden, doesn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, she did also say,

"Oh, so it's just sticking sh*t
to the back of my head, is it?"

LAUGHTER

That's more like it,
we're back in the game!

Well, just John left, and that
means this is either very good

or absolute horse sh*t.

All right, then, well, finally,
it's our resident reanimator -

it's John Robins.

Hello.

How are you doing Wembley,
you OK?

# Ey-oh!

# Ey-ey-ey-ey-ey-oh!

# Ey-oh! Ey-oh!

# Ey-oh!

# Toodle-ey-ey-oh! #

Toodle-oo!

APPLAUSE

Incredible, some of your finest
work, I would say.

Look how pleased he is with himself.

Well, do you know
the reason I'm pleased is cos

I'm so bad at painting and
colouring in and -

not that I do colouring
in any more.

I was painting in the mirror,
and I thought,

"Don't let Freddie down."

LAUGHTER

Right, are you ready
to score these backs of heads?

Yeah, it's quite tricky, really,
cos, you know there's a lot of

people jostling at
the bottom of the pile.

I'll put all five up here, OK,
and then, that might help you.

That might help me. There they are.

There are the five characters.

LAUGHTER

You won't like this,
can I go from the top down?

I'm fine with that,
I'm a pretty relaxed guy.

Right, cos obviously,
Freddie Mercury is the best.

Right. So, we'll give John 5 points.

There we go, round of applause
for John Robins. Well done.

APPLAUSE

If we're talking about
character from faces,

I'll give Steve 4 points.

I rather liked Joanne's,
the duality -

I'm sure the Internet'll go
f*cking mad... Yeah.

..that she just used a mask,
so 3 points.

Back again. I know, here we are.

LAUGHTER

Getting 2 points is like
Christmas Day.



THEY GASP
There we go, 2 points each.

What are the scores?

The scores, well, yes,
Sophie and Nick are at the bottom,

Joanne, you're second

but John's in the lead
again with 17!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please, can you all make your
way to the stage for

the final task of the show!

Hi, baby boy.

Oh, hi, Dad.

LAUGHTER

Who's going to read the task out?

Joanne McNally, please.

McNally. It's with you.

"Bounce a ball on the bar.

"In round one, your ball must bounce
once before falling off the bar.

"In round two, your ball must bounce
twice before falling off the bar,

"and so on.

"Each player has one life,
most correct bounces wins."

They can make one mistake.

One mistake in total in the
whole game. Got it.

OK, and as... Can you choose
when to use that life?

LAUGHTER

Do you want to use it in
a pr-previous task?

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Oh, right, no,
I get it now, I get it.

LAUGHTER

So, John is up first.
Let's play ball.

John, grab a ball,
bounce it once on the bar.

Oh. He has made it through.

It was a classic side bounce.

It was a side bounce.
Following suit.

Well done, lovely stuff.
APPLAUSE

Next up, it's Steve Pemberton.

ALL: Ooh!

I meant it!

OK, next up, it's Nick Mohammed.

Feeling all right, Nick?
I'm all right.

There we go.

APPLAUSE

If anyone can mess this up.

LAUGHTER

Oh! Slightly aggressive.
Incoming!

It's now round two,
two bounces on the bar, please.

APPLAUSE
Lovely.

Ah...

CHEERING
She's through.

No-one's using the
full length of the bar yet.

It's quite expensive.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Oh!

I'm holding it,
because you're now on a life.

Oh!

Steve, please sit on
the Elimination Bench.

Steve Pemberton, everyone.
APPLAUSE

Heartbreaking.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

OK. It's all right,
you're still in the game, Nick.

Try and do it twice.

LAUGHTER

Ah, the voice of experience.

Lovely.
APPLAUSE

Let's just put it there.
just to remember. Yes.

LAUGHTER
Do we all sit?

Go on, Sophie, come on. OK, right.

Come on, number two. Two.

Dur-dur.

APPLAUSE

Sophie, please make your way
to the bench.

So, John, you're up.
Three bounces, please.

Ohh!

Well, be useful in round five.

LAUGHTER

Oh! Ohh!

On the bench, you may still make it
through if the others don't.

Hmm...hmm...

Yes, yes.

Oh!

Oh, it was close.

That was four - so just one fewer,
and you'll be through. OK.

I don't have the time to have
a strategy. I don't know

if it's a f*cking strategy, just...

Yes...yes!
CHEERING

Thank God! So, if Nick fails here,
Joanne is the winner.

It's three, isn't it? One, two.

Three, and you have no lives -
so this is it,

this is potentially the endgame.

LAUGHTER
Oh! Oh, hello.

Just one trick shot too far,
wasn't it?

Oi-oi-oi!

Ladies and gentlemen
the winner is Joanne McNally!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come down and join me,
we'll add that to the final scores!

So, Sophie and Steve
came joint fourth.

You get 2 points each.

Nick and John joint second,


but the best bouncer was
Joanne McNally!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


So, it means that Nick has had
a solid episode.

You're joint third with Steve.

Joanne a strong finish on 19,

but John is the winner again,
with 21 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

John Robins wins! Please go and
scoop up your splendid spheres!

See you next time for the final,

but now, please applaud tonight's
worthy winner once more -

it's John Robins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE