01x11 - Stories of Hope and Forgiveness (or Day of the Jackass)

[bunniefuu]

Oh, this couId be a bad day.

A very bad day.

Shut up! How can I read the newspaper with that deafening racket bIaring out of your mouth?
It sounds Iike a goriIIa eating a Iog cabin.

Jeez, caIm down.

Why do you get worked
-up every time some insignificant event happens in the news?
Because that's the way I am.

Can't you just accept the fact that we're different?
Iike Mom aIways said: ''It takes aII kinds of fruits to make fruit cup.

'' We couId aII Iearn a Iot from fruit cup.


-What a beautifuI
-
-
-Yes.

Fine.

Now, pIease, I have important news to digest.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Mommy, stop babying me.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry, my sweet baby.

Now hurry or you'II miss the schooI bus.

I'm sick of taking the bus.

When can I waIk to schooI Iike everyone eIse my age?
Oh, angeI baby, no.

Oh, honey
-pumpkin, no.

No.

It's just not safe for a young boy to waIk to schooI.

Not with aII the strange peopIe that Iive in this neighborhood.

A journey to enIightenment wiII not be easy.

We must summon our inner being.

And Iook to it for strength and guidance.

Oh, wow, don't I know you?
Weren't we in the fifth grade together?
No, Posey.

I am your inner being.

So in a way, yes.

But who cares?
I'm here to guide you on your path to enIightenment.

The way's fraught with traps and dangers.

Together, we must cross the chasm of seIfishness and defeat the ogre of personaI resentment.

Oh, wow.

And what does he represent?
Oh, that's just Frankenstein.

Nobody knows what he's doing up here.

WeII, come on.

Iet's get going.

I'm sick of Mommy bossing me around.

I can waIk to schooI if I want to.

Hup two waIk waIk Hup two waIk waIk I waIk to schooI No bus for me This is so fun What couId go wrong?
HeIIo, Mr.

Dog Oh, God.

What do I do?
Run away.

No, they can smeII fear.

Just ignore him, and he'II ignore you.

Mommy.

As you ascend gaze down at the tiny Earth.

FeeI how triviaI the cares of the worId are.

How unimportant
-
- We interrupt this triviaI program to bring you important worId news.

This is an Action Cast 1 2 speciaI report.

We now take you Iive to
-
- Keep in tune to 99 Rocks for Iive coverage of tonight's Grammy Awards.

Featuring speciaI appearances by Jennifer Iove Hewitt Courtney Thorne
-Smith, Tiffani
-Amber Thiessen MeIissa Joan Hart, Becca MicheIIe ButterfieId and Jonathon TayIor Thomas.

Becca MicheIIe ButterfieId was pretty hot.

I stiII have some issues with What You Did Iast Summer.

I don't go for that crap.

Hey, Iet me out here.

I have to get some coffee before work.

I'm sick of aII this bad news.

When is something good gonna happen?
I'm sorry.

I'm Andy.

And a dipIomatic soIution wouId be dope.

But efforts have tanked.

Hey, it's a reaI bummer when peopIe can't get aIong.

Just Iike some peopIe can't aIong without the crispity, crunchity chocoIatey goodness in every Kit Kat bar.

For Hershey, I'm Panzer, your Student Network E.

J.

And this has been a speciaI report.

Go ahead and Iaugh.

When I was your age, I thought the Tonkin GuIf incident was a reaI hoot.

A buIIet in the shouIder wiped that smiIe off my face reaI fast.


-I am concerned, Mr.

CzeIanski.


-Yeah, you wouId be.

And then he says: ''It sounds Iike a goriIIa eating a Iog cabin!'' Oh, my God! Your brother sounds so totaIIy Iame.

You know who eIse says stuff Iike that aII the time?
David Schwimmer.

Oh, man.

Iook at you.

You Iook Iike the girI in the Got MiIk ads.

You know, Becca MicheIIe Buba
-dee
-bub.

She's wearing a Iab coat with nothing underneath and gIasses
-Iike she's some sort of genius and
-
-
-Oh, my God.

Did you think I was cute in that one?
Did I think you were?
Oh, man, I.


-You're her, aren't you?

-I'm totaIIy her.

Oh, wow.

I had no idea.

I am so sorry.

If I had known, I never wouId have taIked to you.

Sorry.

Don't be siIIy.

I hate when peopIe think they can't even taIk to me because I'm famous.

It's okay, RoIIo.

He's cooI.

You know, if you're not doing anything tonight maybe you'd Iike to come to the Grammys with me?
Why?
You mean, Iike, you couId sneak me into the baIcony or
-
-?
No, siIIy.

As my date.

Baby! This is gonna be the best day of my Iife.

Hey, everybody.

What's going on
-
-?
They're about to raid the compound in Oregon.

Oh, and they had this amazing footage of the airIift.


-What airIift?

-From the ship?
You know, Dennis Rodman?
Do try to stay at Ieast two steps behind.

And this is Becca MicheIIe ButterfieId's Iipstick.

Iucky duck.

I've got a ton of stuff to do before my date.

Get a haircut, rent a tux.

I guess I shouId watch one of her movies too.


-Which one shouId I rent?

-I recommend It's Just Iike Iast Summer.

What, with the kiIIing and aII.

Hey, why don't you just spIit now and take the whoIe day off?
Won't somebody notice?
No, everyone's just gonna watch the news aII day.

Work's pretty much canceIed.


-But I stiII get paid.


-Yep.

God bIess America Iand I'm sure many of you have aIready overheard the honor students taIking about the crisis our nation currentIy faces.

Any student who feeIs that she or he needs to be with Ioved ones may be excused for the day.

Now I'II answer any questions you might
-
- What?
! Hey, Andy.

HeIp! This dog has rabies, and he won't stop foIIowing me! Stay over there, then! Yeah, okay.

What eIse do I do?
Just keep waIking.

Yeah.

That's good.

And don't stop or start running.

That'II make him crazier.

Just keep on waIking.

Andy, shouId I just keep circIing the bIock untiI you come back?
Andy?

-Crisis Watch.

Day One.


-What are you doing home?

-Did they spray your schooI for nerds?

-PIease! This is no time for personaI attacks.

Our very way of Iife is at stake.

News FIash, spazmeyer.

This is no great shakes.

It's just another media snow day.

We grownups have them periodicaIIy, so we can bIow off work.

Right, Posey?
Posey?
UnIike some peopIe, Posey is taking this matter seriousIy.

Good job, Posey.

You destroyed the she
-woIf of jeaIousy.

Now, we must summon our deepest core of goodness to heIp us traveI to the sacred city of Iight within.

Summoning.

Summoning.

What the hey, we'II take my Miata.

Anyway, you'II never guess who I have a date with
-
- Steven SpieIberg is preparing to address the nation.

Steven SpieI
-
- He isn't even a poIitician! It's poIiticians who got us into this mess, Andy.

And even though the crisis is taking pIace hundreds of miIes away big
-hearted
-
- with donations of warm bIankets and canned goods.

Pay attention.

This thing's gotta fit right.

Except in the crotch.

You can make it a IittIe tight in the crotch.

Never mind.

Never mind.

Join us for a speciaI DateIine, examining the roots of the crisis.

And aIso, hidden poisons Iurking in your refrigerator.

WeII, these wiII have to do.

And I think we're aII, you know, seeking a peacefuI resoIution.


-HeIIo?

-It's Andy.

I need you to do me a favor.

You're interrupting Dennis Rodman.


-Goodbye.


-Crap! No! Don't hang up! I'm running Iate and the tuxedo pIace cIoses at 5!
-SeveraI dramatic new deveIopments.


-I'd rather not, frankIy.

I might miss important crisis coverage.

Who gives a f
-
-?
PIease, buddy.

Don't you want me, your Ioving, freaking brother to have the best night of his Iife?

-Fine.

Give me the address.


-Kevin.

Kevin! HeIp!
-HeIIo.


-Mommy, there's a dog foIIowing me
-and it's totaIIy anti
-
-
-WeII, I can't understand
-
- HeIp, Mommy! No, Iisten.

No, Iet me taIk.


-Mommy, I don't have time to
-
-
-Toby?
Toby?

-Toby?

-p*nis.

p*nis.

p*nis.

''Money for Iiquor, '' which has become a famiIiar phrase during this crisis.


-Coming up at 5.


-BaIzac! I'd better get Andy's tux.

Posey, if I'm not back by 5:30, tape AIec BaIdwin's speech to the UN.

Kevin, hey! Oh, hi, NataIie! What brings you out this fine evening?
Oh, just handcuffing ourseIves to this fence to protest the crisis.

You know, with aII the hunger and iIIiteracy in this country shouId we reaIIy be wasting money on compound raids and ceIebrity airIifts?
Oh, did you see that footage?
Oh, wasn't it marveIous?
Those BIack Hawk heIicopters are incredibIe! I know! And the infrared shots from those sidewinder missiIes?
Kevin, you got my tux?
Kevin?
! Geeko! Where for art thou?
Decrying miIitary action and media bias.

These crackpots certainIy won't have much of an impact on.

Damn that kid and his d*uche
-baggery! I'm not that far away.

Posey, if Becca MicheIIe
-Whatever caIIs teII her I'II be back here in 1 0 minutes, okay?
I'm going to take you to this sushi pIace in the EnIightenment District.

You'II Iove it.

Of course, first, you'II have to overcome the serpent of worIdIy attachments.

I toId you about that, right?
Did you notice that WoIf BIizter has put on
-Iike, 1 0 pounds since the Iast crisis?

-Oh, I know.

And did you see Christiane Amanpour's new jacket with, Iike, a hundred pockets?
There you are, IittIe creep! Thanks to you, I'm gonna be Iate for the Grammys.

I was doing you a favor.

There's no need to be a*usive.


-Ieft hand, pIease.


-Sure.

a*usive?
You don't know what a*usive is yet.

I'm going to miss my date.

Just Iook at the time.

Don't worry.

I'II have him unIock you.

This was supposed to be the best
-Stop!
-night of my Iife! Hey, you two! Knock it off! Andy, Iook at this.

How's about a IittIe distraction so we can make our getaway?
What do we want?
When do we want it?
These Ieft
-wing peace
-niks don't know the first thing about.

I'II never make it to the Grammys Iike this.

We gotta get these freaking cuffs off.

No need for pseudo profanity.

I think I see a soIution right up ahead.

Crap.

There's onIy one match Ieft.

Have you been smoking?
Yes! You wait right here.

I'II go get heIp.

Bye! And then I'm gonna make dog burgers and dog dumpIings and
-
- Andy! I can't keep going.

Don't stop! You'II excite the dog! It's no use.

Besides, I think he's pretty tired too.

Run! Quick.

Get behind me, tubbs.

I Ieft him right here.

Why wouId he wander away?
WeII, if he's not here, he couId be anywhere.


-Except here.


-You keep Iooking for Andy.

I'II head over to the Grammys and teII his date to wait.

If you find him, bring him there! CIaim it was a miIitary target rather than a petting zoo.

And I don't need to own a beach house to be happy either! Good job.

You've rid yourseIf of devotion to worIdIy possessions.

Oh, great! Are you going to rid yourseIf of the Miata?
I don't have to.

It's Ieased.

Hey, how you doing?
HeIIo.

I'm here to see Miss Becca MicheIIe ButterfieId.

No, no! I'm serious.

Iook! I even have a tuxedo! HeIIo.

I'm here to get married to Miss SheryI Crow.

Hey, what?
Hey! My name is on the Iist.

Andy French.

He's on the Iist.

Hey, sorry about the rough stuff.

But we gotta keep the psychos out.

Iive, from the CosmopoIis MetropIex! It's the 43rd AnnuaI Grammy Awards.

Now here are your hosts, The Backstreet Boys! ExceIIent! I mean.

And he's handcuffed to a what?
Where did you say Andy was?
I don't know! But he didn't stand you up.

He reaIIy, reaIIy Iikes you.

This is aII my fauIt.

See, we were fighting aII day when we shouId've been making fruit cup.


-What?

-It's just a saying my mom used to have.


-You know, she used to make up
-
-
-Now, to present the award for Best Pop Song by the Offspring of a Rock Iegend Becca MicheIIe ButterfieId! You're on, Becca.

Before I present this award I'd Iike to taIk about what we're aII feeIing tonight.

I know the worId is concerned about important things than these dumb, siIIy, a*s
-backwards awards.

Hey! So I'd Iike to say to our Ieaders and the others whose squabbIing started this crisis.

Some profound words spoken by a very wise mother of two.

''It takes aII kinds of fruits to make fruit cup.

''
-This can't be happening.


-Kevin?
Shut up! We're trying to watch the freaking Grammys here! That IittIe
-
- He steaIs my date and gets on TV?
I can't take anymore! Andy, you did it! You did it! I can't beIieve it.

Yeah! You're the best.

What happened to your hair?
Becca, I just got off the phone with the president.

And you know, I think your remark reaIIy hit home.

Thanks, but most of the credit beIongs to my friend here.

Wow, David Schwimmer! I'm a huge fan.


-Oh, thank you.

Yes.


-Hi, you aII! Iook at here! The geo
-poIiticaI tides are returning.

Expect a peacefuI settIement by midnight.

Sources credit actress Becca MicheIIe ButterfieId and her caII for sanity at tonight's Grammy Awards for kick
-starting the negotiations.

A courageous actress and her impassioned remarks heaI an embattIed nation.

Yeah.

The reward, the president promised Dennis his very own White House intern.

Number six.

Not in my fruit cup, you don't.

Now that things are back to normaI, Here's Fritz with the weather.

Get out those umbreIIas because thunderstorms are expected tonight! You've reached the finaI IeveI.

Are you ready for enIightenment?
Oh, yes, I
-
- Oh, what's that
-
-?
What is that noise?
Concentrate, Posey.

It cannot be reveaIed unIess.

Oh, God! It's so Ioud! Oh, for Pete's sake, here!
-Oh! Hi, Andy.


-Sorry, Posey.

I wake you up?
Oh, no.

Not at aII.

Are you okay?
Why are you chained to a fence?
And what happened to your hair?
I'II teII you in the morning.

I'm gonna go take a bath.

Hey, how were the Grammys?
Oh, they were okay.

I met Patrick Stewart and Gordon Iightfoot! I think.

It was great! Becca asked me to give this to you.

Andy, I had one of the most exciting nights of my Iife.

And I owe it aII to you! So thanks.

I'm proud to be in this crazy fruit cup with you.

Yeah.

Sure, Kev.

No probIem.

Andy, I found this backstage and thought you'd get a kick out of it.

''For Iifetime Achievement in the Recording Industry.

Quincy Jones.

'' I'm off to another awards ceremony.

This time to get a prize myseIf.

You don't have any pIans to be in StockhoIm next week, do you?
Peace, Becca.

NOBEI PEACE PRIZE CEREMONY STOCKHOIM, SWEDEN Becca MicheIIe ButterfieId.

I'd Iike to thank everyone who made this possibIe.

EspeciaIIy Steve, Tommy, my agents at ICM.

Justin at Brentwood Fitness.

You're the best! And I couIdn't have done it without Andy and Kevin's mom.

And to Shimon Perez, you deserved it but better Iuck next year.

I Iove you, StockhoIm!