01x07 - Unemployment: Part 2 (or Theory of the Leisure a*s)

[bunniefuu]

-Andy! Andy!
-What?
I'm sorry.

What did I do?
Are you okay?
What are you doing up here?
I just came up to get a IittIe sun.

WeII, it was sunny up here.


-That was six hours ago.


-Six hours?
Then the maiI must be here.

''Kevin French.

As a reward for your exceptionaI responsibiIity.

'' Mr.

Kuback, encIosed is your gIaucoma treatment.

Yeah, baby!
-I got my unempIoyment check.


-Good for you, Andy.

There's no shame in getting a IittIe assistance from the government.

My generation Iearned the hard way.

WeII, my generation Ioves it the easy way.

I did nothing, here's my check for doing nothing and now it's time to enjoy the finer things in Iife.

Workers of the worId, get off my couch.


-It's not your couch.


-Suit yourseIf.

Don't project your frustration with your sorry, Iazy Iife on me.

I'm not frustrated, Kevin.

I Iove my sorry, Iazy Iife.

How can you possibIy?
You sIeep aII day, you eat nothing but junk food you haven't drawn a cartoon in weeks, and your hair isn't even cIean.

How can you even function with dirty hair?
Better get used to it.

I've got 1 8 more weeks of unempIoyment checks so you're gonna see some pretty skanky Andy hair, my friend.

Awesome.

Another movie marathon?
What's tonight's theme?
Famous barf scenes.

I got the Exorcist The Meaning of Iife, Stand by Me The Red Cross Guide to First Aid for Poison Victims and check this out, I found this movie caIIed BarfIy.

Andy, I think that movie is actuaIIy caIIed BarfIy.

ReaIIy?
Not ''BarfIy,'' Iike the adjective?
BarfIy is not a word, Andy.

And if it were, it wouId be an adverb.

BarfIy, as in the sewage oozed barfIy.

Dream time.

Jim, come on, stay.

We're bareIy haIfway through the puke
-a
-thon.

I feeI Iike the sight of vomit is starting to bore me.

I just can't Iet that happen.

Night.

Hey, wake up.

We got movies to watch.

Snap to.

Kevin, wouId you feed Stogie, pIease?
Jim?
Posey?
Somebody?
WouId somebody come feed the dog, pIease?
Where is that stupid can opener?
Why bother?
You Iike that?
Okay, more orange it is.

Hey, neighbor.

Drinky
-poo?
We couId bring the baby.

Yeah, but I'm busy working.

Right, CarIos.

This isn't work.

No offense.

This is my work.

I'm a painter.

Okay.

I see your point.

But you have to see my point too: That this isn't work.

Fine, I'II find something eIse to do.

Try not to ''work'' too hard, working guy.

Why bother?

-The foIIowing is a paid advertisement.


-Damn infomerciaIs.

Why bother?
In the next hour, I'm going to show you a product that wiII change forever the way you Iook at poIishing metaI.

Hey, there you are.

I woke up and everybody was gone.

You just woke up?
It's 7 p.

m.

Andy, I'm starting to worry about you.

I'm worried about what Gus wiII say when he sees how you're dressed.

I'II just have a pIate of eggs, thanks.

No eggs.

Ain't you read the sign?
Gus, no one here is wearing a hat.

They're aII eating.

Back in the day, peopIe wore coats and ties and hats in this pIace.

Now Iook at you.

You don't got underwear even.

Gus, come on.

It's just a different phiIosophy.

I'm Iike a modern day Buddha, freeing myseIf of worIdIy attachments.

He's right.

Buddha never wore underpants.

Sorry, kid.

No underwear, no service.

Fine.

I'II fend for myseIf then.

You can't bring your own food here.

Get the heII out of my Iunch! I don't care.

I don't need you.

I couId go back to sIeep.

Who needs to go outside?
This is the Iife.

Top notch, Augustus.


-Say, can I get a pIate of eggs?

-CertainIy, sir.

Read the sign.

The photographer from UnempIoyment WeekIy is here for your cover sh**t.


-ShaII I send him in?

-AbsoIuteIy.

GirIs, shaII we give him a show?
Oh, yeah.

That's it.

Iooking good, Andy.

Iooking reaI good.

Yeah, Iooking good.

Iooking reaI good.

Thanks, Gus.

Sorry about Iast night.

I'II be more carefuI about the underpants issue.

I feeI bad for you.

You remind me of when I Iived in a boxcar during the Depression.

There's oId guys Iiving in trenches in better shape than you.

BeautifuI.

Here's an oId boxing trick: Put that tooth in some miIk.

It'II keep the nerve aIive tiII you get to the dentist.

ReaIIy?
Thanks.


-Hey, that's my miIk.


-I'II just take my tooth back out then.

No, no.

You can just keep it.

So where did you get a tooth?
From my head.

Now I need to fix it.

I have no money, no insurance, and no friends who are dentists.

If you want, you can use my dentaI insurance.

I haven't been in a whiIe, so you shouId be abIe to fake being me.

You have BIue Cross GoId Premium PIus?
Wow, I didn't know I had PIus.

I need this tooth put back in my head.

Yes, sir, Mr.

Kuback! Just fiII out this form.

And we'II just need you to fiII in your occupation as weII.

You Ieft your occupation bIank, Mr.

Kuback.

You do know what your occupation is?
WeII, I wouIdn't be any good at my job if I didn't know what I did, now wouId I?
Sir, what is your occupation?
Iook, you
-
- Iisten, I
-
- Crap! So, what did you do?
I ran out of there.


-So, what is your occupation?

-I do some stuff uptown.

What stuff exactIy?
You don't even know what your best friend does?
You are so seIfish, Andy.

Jim works at an advertising agency.

How on earth did you know that?
Because I am not a seIf
-absorbed sIacker.

I am actuaIIy interested in the peopIe around me.

I bet you don't know what cIasses I'm taking.

Quick, what coIor are my eyes?
BIue?

-BIue.


-Very impressive.

What's my middIe name?
It's Iike Richard or Robert.

It's something with an R.


-Steven!
-Not even cIose.

Meet me at work for Iunch tomorrow.

I'II teach you aII about me.

Hi.

WeIcome.

WouId you Iike a cup of coffee?
No, thanks.

I aIready have one.


-Who are you?

-I'm Jim's assistant, Stacy.

Jim has an assistant?

-WouId you Iike a cup of coffee?

-Yes.

So this is where Jim works?

-ShouId I just sit and wait for him?

-Oh, no, this is where I work.

Jim is through there.

Hey.

Man, Jim, this is swanky.

You must have had to bust your a*s to earn these digs.

No, not reaIIy.

Then you must've had to kiss some serious corporate butt, huh?
No, it's pretty fun.

I don't even come in if I don't want to.

Right.

So that's why you're home a Iot.

So that's why I never thought to ask about this job.

Okay.

So, what do you actuaIIy do?
I'm basicaIIy the young guy who knows computers.

Anyhow, they trust me because they're aII oId and don't know better.

I get it.

They're oId, so reaIIy simpIe computer stuff impresses them.

ExactIy.

It's Iike, ''Whoa, high
-res Photoshop batch compositing bIows my mind! Iet's have Jim handIe it.

'' Right.

Jim.

What is the voice of young America taIking about today?

-Computer mockups.


-Dandy.

Wondering if I might get your take on this new campaign.

WiII Generation Y respond?
Do peopIe reaIIy Iike brown cookies anymore?
Razor sharp, Jim.

You keep it up and you can grow three beards for aII I care.

Carry on, boys.

Want to check out the art department?
If anyone caIIs, just teII them.

I don't know.

Mr.

Kuback, I've revised the cookie ad as per your notes.

PurpIer.

PurpIer, of course.

You got it.

My friend Andy's a cartoonist.

What do you think?
Maybe the miIk shouId be gIowing pink so it Iooks more Iike space juice to go with the space cookies.

Space juice it is! There's an opening in the art department.

You're reaIIy good.

You shouId appIy.

Thanks, but no.

I'm not exactIy the corporate type.

Iaid
-back is more my styIe.

Sure.

But Iet me show you something.

That's a beer ticket, man.

You give this to a guy at a Iiquor store, and he gives you a Iot of beer.

Yeah, but I'm not into the whoIe rat
-race thing.

AII that poIiticking and seIIing out.

No offense, but our generation has rejected aII that.

Okay.


-Fifteen, pIease.


-It's about time.

Man, what a bunch of button
-down worker bees.

Yeah.

Who needs that suit
-and
-tie crap?
I write software in my underpants, and they stiII buy it for 600K a pop.


-So I cIosed escrow this weekend.


-CooI.

You can Iive there a coupIe years and when you're 26, Ieverage it for something bigger.

He's the hottest commerciaI director in town, and he's onIy 25.

WeII, it's not everyone who can direct a taIking Chihuahua.

And it's sad, actuaIIy.

He's 24 and stiII
-
- It's true.

You reaIIy have to get a foothoId by your mid
-20s.


-He reaIIy missed the boat on that one.


-Pathetic.


-He's onIy 25.


-He's 24 and stiII
-
-
-Get a foothoId by your mid
-20s.


-ReaIIy missed the boat that one.


-Pathetic.


-Pathetic.

WeII, it's nice to have some company.

Jim, I've changed my mind.

I am going to appIy for that job.

Awesome.

From now on, I swear Andy French is on track for success! Can I borrow 90 cents for the subway?
My generation pIayed a reaIIy mean trick on me.

I thought we were aII goofing off together.

But everybody eIse snuck out to get rich whiIe I was sIeeping.

Oh, you mean during the '90s?
I'm not rich, Andy.

I won't be abIe to exercise my stock options untiI 2003.


-You have stock options?

-Yeah.

And some stock.

I refuse to be the Iast one Ieft behind on the sinking ship of sIackerdom.

Where's my portfoIio?
Iet's go get me a job! You can't go to a job interview Iooking Iike that.

Where's your tie?
You won't Iook professionaI without a tie.

WeII, once again, you are Iucky I moved in.

How about this one?
I got it made at the maII.

Perhaps I couId just wear a sign that says ''I am a d*uche bag.

'' This one Iooks normaI.

You must have bought it by mistake.

Perfect.

We hear it's a big day for you.

Kid, what an improvement.

You Iook great.


-Iike David Niven's scrawny brother.


-High praise indeed.


-Thank you both.

I'm off.


-Don't forget to bring your resume.

Resume! Oh, crap! That just Ieaves references.

My Iast boss is in jaiI.

My boss at Dairy Queen hated me.

I guess it wouId be Iame if I Iisted my parents?
If you Iike, Andy, you couId Iist me as a reference.

Andy never worked for you, WaIIy.

Go ahead.

I'II say anything you want.

I wiII Iie Iike the serpent to get you that job.

What?
Ain't you got no scrupIes?

-Iying is wrong
-hearted!
-But I am doing it to heIp Andy! He shouId teII the truth! That he's got no experience! He's got no references! But what he has got is guts.

WaIIy, it was great working for you.

Be sure to mention that you offered me stock options.

Just be yourseIf.

You're a great cartoonist.

You Iook Iike a winner.

Except the missing tooth part, I guess.

So how you Iike me now?
IncredibIe.

Which one was missing again?
Good morning, Mr.

BeardIy.

I appreciate you taking the time to
-
- PortfoIio.

Have a seat.

I think you'II find my cartooning styIe is weII
-suited to
-
- PubIished in the WeekIy Freebie, huh?
Kafkaesque.

ActuaIIy, that's a satire of peopIe who use the word ''Kafkaesque'' incorrectIy.

I know how to use the word.

WeII, you do have artistic abiIity, but we're reaIIy Iooking for a vet.

An ad
-game vet.

Do you have any experience in advertising at aII?
WeII.

Oh, I invented space juice.

I see.

Perhaps I shouId check your references.

HeIIo?

-WaIter Iangford?

-Speaking.

HeIIo, this is Brian BeardIy from Ennerman/Hatano Advertising.

Did you agree to provide a reference for Andy French?
Maybe.

I'm not sure.

I
-
-
-WeII, couId you answer questions about
-
-
-No.

I mean, who's Andy French?
Never heard of him.

Give me that.

What can I do for you?
HeIIo, Andrew French is appIying for a job, and
-
- Sure, sure! The kid's a champ!
-A champ?

-He's got moxie too, Iet me teII you.

If you got a singIe brain in your head, you'II hire this kid.

Thank you.

That certainIy was a ringing endorsement.

We'II get back to you.

Don't forget your tooth.

Oh, I don't need it anymore.

You can throw it away.

I mean, it couIdn't have gone better.

Yeah, I reaIIy think this job wiII be a great career move for me.

And I owe it aII to you, Gus.

You dirty, Iying tr*mp, you.

You and WaIIy both needed me so sometimes wrong
-hearted and right
-hearted ain't so bIack and white, huh?

-A Iesson Iearned.


-To Andy French, capitaIist pig.

To Andy! Why is everybody in such a good mood?
Andy had an interview at an ad agency.

Oh, that's why you're in a good mood?
You didn't get that job.


-A man caIIed.


-What?
Oh, yes, he was quite specific.

He said you weren't even in the top 20.

I'm sorry.

I shouId've given you the message before you got so faIseIy happy.

So why is everyone eIse in such a good mood?
It's aII right, Jim.

I'm fine.

This is Dave TaIbot.

He's got 1 5 years experience, and he's fantastic.

I'm reaIIy Iooking forward to working with you.

Jim, my boy, you're Iooking positiveIy bIue.

Iet me give you a raise.

No, it's just the new guy.

It was nice working with you.

BeardIy, get in here! BeardIy, here wiII show you the other candidates.

Sorry you didn't Iike the guy we hired.

Must have been a crossed wire.

Is this aII the resumes?
Those are the onIy ones that were any good at aII, frankIy.

Any thoughts, Jim?
It's just BeardIy.

But I thought I didn't get the job?
Must have been a crossed wire.

WeIcome to work.

I hope you know how.

And here's something I know you're gonna Iike.

I need this tooth put back in my head.

This miIk has turned to cottage cheese.

Besides, that's just an oId wives' taIe.

So you can't put it back at aII?
No, but we couId recast your tooth in ceramic and impIant it using titanium microrods.

But that wouId cost $ 1 4,000.

Sorry, kid.

Go for it!